02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

- You close with your family?

- We get on with it.

I have this amazing new partner out there.

He's really pushed the company forward.

She's commuting from Finland.

- Any friends?

- Sorry?

- Does your little cafe do canapes?

- Yeah, it totally could.

And I will hire you to do the canapes.

Just a girl with no friends and an empty heart?

- By your own description.

- I have friends.

Oh, have you got to go back to Finland again?

- No, Finland are coming here.

- Oh!

That's easier for you.

Sex didn't bring anything good.

And what have you found in your abstinence?

Oh, God, I fancy a priest.

Thank you so much for helping.

Father, we have a cupcake situation over here!

- Okay, Pam!

- Arm touch.

- I'm sorry for your loss.

- What?

Your baby.

Does Martin know?

You're not supposed to tell anyone for the first twelve You can tell the father.

- Yes, Father?

- Come on, have a read.

And if you ever want to talk about stuff, I'm here, you know.

You can come whenever you want.

I'd like you to come.

If it helps.

[HOLY MUSIC]

[SHE GASPS]

Just don't talk too much or try to pretend you know anything about the company.

- Okay.

- And don't be funny or clever or Just don't be the centre of attention.

These people are very important to me, so just don't - Okay.

- don't be yourself.

I won't.

- [FLEABAG BREAKS WIND]

- For f*ck's sake!

I know people in this building, anyone could come [LIFT PINGS]

- Hi, Claire.

- Hello, Leslie.

[LESLIE SNIFFS]

Oh, that's lovely.

What is that?

We have a load of vegetarians, so make sure it's clear which ones have meat in them.

Loves a crisis.

We have a couple of waitresses for the drinks, so if you could hand round the food Put her in a quiet room with a nice breeze, she'll have a panic att*ck.

- Where is everyone?

- She's so happy.

God, this is stressful.

Don't be weird about how big my office is.

What the f*ck?

- I know.

- Are you a?

It's over the top, I know.

Okay.

Put them on the table.

Not that table.

- Ooh.

You okay?

- Of course.

It's just that it's a big night and the Finnish partners are here, so it's all a bit - Oh, check the award.

- Why?

Just to make sure it's not pink or anything horrifically female.

She'll loathe that.

Be careful with it.

It's worth thousands.

- It's not pink.

- Good.

It's perfect.

It looks like a sperm.

- Your hair looks nice.

- Shut up.

Okay.

Don't sit on that!

Okay, put those on the posh plates.

Put the award behind the microphone.

Oh, and, um thank you.

You've really, uh Thank you.

Don't play with that.

Oh, that's heavy.

Argh!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck God [BELL TOLLS]

[SHE GASPS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Excuse me, excuse me [SHE SIGHS]

Where have you been?

Sorry, I had to get the vegetarian bites.

But it's all fine.

You're going to love them.

You're sweating so much.

- Sorry.

- It's attention grabbing.

It's only on one side.

Um, sorry, this is Sylvia.

She's going to be presenting the award, so when you hear me introduce her, get on the stage.

- Hi.

- Has this got shellfish in it?

- No.

- Fine.

Four CEOs have been fired.

Two are being taken to court.

I mean, it's just sad.

We felt like a family.

Yeah.

Especially sad when you have to tell your family not to touch each other up by the photocopier.

[THEY LAUGH]

- Stop making jokes.

- I'm sorry, I can't help it.

Well, you can.

Oh, Belinda's coming.

Don't speak to Belinda.

- Hello, Claire.

- Hello, Belinda.

- God, you're tasteful.

- Mmm.

Oh, are these meaty?

Say something.

No, I think they have courgette in them.

Oh, I love courgette.

You can treat them appallingly and they still grow.

- She seems lovely.

- Yeah, she's great.

- So, who are you so nervous about?

- I'm not nervous.

I'm being completely Claire!

Oh!

Hi!

Oh!

God, sorry.

I'm so glad you could come.

Of course.

It's my job.

This is my catering.

She's the sister.

Hi.

I ate a sausage over there thinking it was a prune.

15 years of vegetarianism, gone!

Like bang, bang!

[THEY LAUGH]

We do actually call them bangers.

Ah, that's funny!

Yes, it was.

So, how do you two know each other?

BOTH: We are partners - Business partners.

- Yes.

She's been working with me in Finland.

- Yes!

- And - We don't get to see each other that much.

- No, exactly.

- I'm a big fan.

- I'm a huge Thank you admirer.

I'm going to get a drink.

Do you want anything?

Oh, champagne, please.

Oh, off the wagon?

Just when I'm with you.

[THEY LAUGH]

Let's go f*cking crazy tonight, then.

Hmm?

- What did you say?

- No, no, I I was - No, what did you say?

- Oh, just I just said, "Let's go f*ck like crazy tonight.

" Oh, God.

Okay!

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

- Shut up.

- Oh, my God!

He is a very good businessman.

He's just socially sort of - What's?

- Shut up.

Claire!

Please don't, please don't.

I can't cope.

- Okay?

- Okay.

What's his name?

What's his name?

Klare.

What?

His name is Klare.

Don't.

Oh, God, I have to announce.

Okay, mingle, but don't talk to anyone.

- Okay.

- I'm not in love with him.

Okay.

Hi, everyone.

I am very proud to announce the nominees for the Women in Business Awards, sponsored by us here at Hurbots.

Amongst our exceptional women, we have Georgina Franks.

[APPLAUSE]

Belinda Friers.

And another extraordinary woman Klare Korhonen.

Sorry, I think there's been a mistake, here.

Elizabeth Sawkin.

Congratulations to you all.

Have a wonderful evening.

We'll be presenting the award very soon.

I'm going to introduce Sylvia, who's going to introduce Belinda.

When you hear me introducing Sylvia, get her on stage.

- It has to go like cockwork.

- Like what?

Cockwork.

Claire, your brain is somewhere else right now.

Sylvia, go!

Sylvia!

[SHE VOMITS]

Crap.

A huge thanks to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John for coming up with this award.

And to LinkedIn for connecting us all this evening and beyond.

I am so excited to introduce Sylvia Hamburg, this year's winner of Women Who Work, who will announce this year's Best Woman in Business.

Sylvia.

What a legend!

I'll do it!

I can do it.

I'm sorry, it appears that Sylvia is busy, which shouldn't come as a surprise, really.

I-It's been a big year for business particularly women in business.

Men have been pretty hands-on the past few decades.

[LAUGHS]

I'd like to thank all the brilliant men and women for supporting each other here at Hurbots.

We're a family, really.

And if we've learned anything during the past 12 months, it's that family really shouldn't touch each other up next to the photocopier.

[LAUGHTER]

I am honoured to present this award to this year's Best Woman in Business Belinda Friers.

f*ck's sake!

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, thank you.

Well, um Well, I was going to say this is a bit on the nose, - but she doesn't seem to have one.

- [LAUGHTER]

- What were you thinking?

- It'll be fine.

It's not fine.

I awarded her with a pair of tits.

- Chase her down.

- Chase her down?

It's a stolen piece of art.

I will deal with the photographer.

Claire!

Oh, my God!

You were brilliant!

Thank you, Klare.

I love the joke.

Oh, well, I didn't think it was that funny.

- Can you go, my love?!

- I'm just going to - Take the stairs.

- Okay.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

I'm trained in martial arts.

It's just the basics, but it is enough.

- I work at Harbots.

- Hurbots.

Yes, I ate a courgette off your tray.

- Yeah, it was delicious.

- Thank you.

What do you want?

That.

I need to take your award back.

Why?

It's a stolen piece of art.

It's not really an award.

It's all my fault.

I can explain.

Is it a long story?

Sort of.

And she still doesn't know you have it?

That's glorious!

I think you did exactly the right thing.

I think you're the only person who thinks that.

God!

Women's awards.

Congratulations.

Oh!

It's infantilising bollocks.

What?

Don't you think it's good that?

No, no, it's ghettoising.

It's a subsection of success.

Ah, it's a f*cking children's table of awards.

Why did you go?

Because I'd be an arsehole not to.

Miss Friers.

Thank you, darling.

Gosh, she's hot.

Yeah.

Are you a lesbian?

Not strictly.

- You?

- Mm.

- Do you like old films?

- Some.

And what's your favourite period film?

Carrie.

[BOTH LAUGH]

God!

God, you are a tonic.

What do you do?

Are you a woman in business?

- I run a cafe.

- Oh!

Good for you.

Did you make the canapes?

No, actually.

I stole them.

- How old are you?

- 58.

- And you?

- 33.

Oh.

- Don't worry.

It does get better.

- Do you promise?

I promise.

Listen, I was in an aeroplane the other day and I realised Well, I I mean, I've been longing to say this out loud.

Women are born with pain built in.

It's our physical destiny.

Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know.

We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives.

Men don't.

They have to seek it out.

They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own.

And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars they can play rugby.

And we have it all going on in here, inside.

We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens?

The menopause comes.

The f*cking menopause comes and it is the most most wonderful f*cking thing in the world!

And, yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get f*cking hot and no-one cares, but then you're free.

No longer a sl*ve, no longer a machine, with parts.

You're just a person in business.

Oh.

I was told it was horrendous.

It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent.

Something to look forward to.

You better get back to that party.

- Your party.

- Mm.

It is not a party until someone flirts with you.

And that's the only really sh*t thing about getting older, is that people don't flirt with you anymore.

Not really.

Not with danger.

I miss walking into a room and not knowing, and there's a sort of energy, a dare.

Do not take that for granted.

There is nothing more exciting than a room full of people.

Yeah, except most people are What?

sh*t.

Look at me.

Listen.

People are all we've got.

People are all we've got.

So grab the night by its nipples and go and flirt with someone.

No, that's not what I meant!

Oh.

I wish you were my type.

Take this tart back to my party and go and find someone to actually do that with.

- I want to do it with you.

- No.

- Why not?

- Honestly?

Yeah.

I can't be arsed, darling.

I'm going to go back to my room and have one more martini, and if you need anything, call me.

Anything.

You can have whoever you want at your age.

Except the Best Woman in Business.

Well, that's just because she's exhausted.

33 isn't exactly And what had Jesus done by 33?

- d*ed?

- Exactly!

So get out there and flirt.

- Here you are!

- Oh, hi!

Thought you might be snogging Finland.

Ha-ha!

No, just sorting a few things!

I got her!

Oh!

And Belinda gave me her card.

Oh, that's great!

- What?

- Nothing.

She's furious.

Really?

Yes!

It was a great night.

Everything went smoothly in the end, and everyone loved the canapes.

Really?

I'm a dead woman.

- Really?

- Yes!

Really?

Yes!

It was a great night.

She's going to blow.

I just have a feeling I would've come up with my own joke if you hadn't put that one in my head.

I have my own jokes.

I am funny, I am interesting.

I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.

- What do you mean, interesting?

- You just think you can do whatever you like, say whatever you like, steal whatever you like, - kiss whoever you like.

- He kissed me!

Oh, I know.

You know?!

Then why have we been spending - the entire?

- Because you're fine!

You'll always be fine.

You'll always be interesting, with your quirky cafe and your dead best friend.

You just make me feel like I've failed.

Claire If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.

[SHE WHISPERS] : It's huge.

I just thought we were hanging out.

Just as friends.

We're not friends.

We are sisters.

Get your own friends.

[HOLY MUSIC]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh.

Hi.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't have your number and you just said come round any time with G&Ts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

I just This is a bit embarrassing, but recently I've been really enjoying going to bed at 9:30.

- Oh, sh*t.

- No, no, it's fine.

I can see G&Ts!

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, I just Just fancied a drink and a priest and a chat, maybe.

Oh, that's my whole job.

We'll have to be quiet, though, because Pam's a bit of a sound tyrant in the evenings.

- Pam lives here?

- Yeah, Pam lives here.

- So I read your book.

- Okay.

Great.

Well, it's got some great twists.

- True.

- But I just - I couldn't help but notice - Come on, just spit it out!

- just one or two little inconsistences.

- Okay, sure.

So, the world was made in seven days.

And on the first day, light came and then a few days later the sun came?

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

But you believe that?

It's not a fact, it's poetry.

It's moral code.

It's for interpretation to help us work out God's plan for us.

What's God's plan for you?

I believe God meant for me to love people in a different way.

I believe I'm supposed to love people as a father.

We can arrange that.

A father of many.

I'll go up to three.

- It's not going to happen.

- Two, then.

Okay, two.

- [LOUD THUMP]

- Oh, sh*t.

Pam.

She's not happy.

[HE WHISPERS] : We should go outside.

Do you think I should become a Catholic?

No, don't do that.

I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.

And you're good for me.

You make me question my faith.

- And?

- I've never felt closer to God.

[LAUGHING]

f*ck you!

- [RUSTLING]

- What was that?

It wasn't a fox, was it?

- I don't know.

- Is it a fox?

Shine something.

Boo!

Baa!

- Oh, God.

I bet it's a fox.

- Oh, God!

No, I'm not being funny, foxes have been after me for years.

It's like they have a pact or something.

I'm not kidding.

I was on a toilet, a toilet of a train, and when the train stopped, a f*cking fox tried to get through the window of a train!

Its face was in the window!

And once, when I was at a monastery, I woke up just feeling a bit weird, like there might be a fox about, and a fox was sitting underneath my window looking up like this, pointing at me like, "You, we're watching you.

We're having you.

" Lucky God got there first.

- Well, yeah.

- You could be a fox boy by now.

And we all know what happened to them!

- You okay?

- I'm okay.

Do you think I'm mad?

Because of the fox thing or because of the God thing?

You're obsessed.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you ever have doubts?

Yes, of course, every day.

It's part of the deal.

I just don't think I could do it.

Especially the What?

- celibacy and - Oh, it's a f*cking fox!

- [RUSTLING]

- Chill out about the fox!

Ooh!

Sorry.

I just don't know what they want from me!

Sorry.

Celibacy.

Go.

I just I couldn't give up sex forever.

It's just too It's too Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships.

What if you meet someone you like?

I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles, and hope they eventually leave me alone.

What if you meet someone you love?

We're not going to have sex.

I know that's what you think you want from me, but it's not.

It won't bring any good.

- Well, it might - It won't.

I've been there many times.

Before I found this.

Many, many times.

How many times?

Many.

I'd really like to be your friend, though.

I'd like to be your friend, too.

We'll last a week.

What was that?

What?

Where did?

Where did you just go?

What?

You just went somewhere.

There.

There.

Where did you just go?

Nowhere.

Okay.

[THEY SCREAM]