03x07 - Any Given Saturday Afternoon

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Documentary Now!". Aired: August 2015 to present.
"Documentary Now!" spoofs celebrated documentary films by parodying the style of each documentary with a similar, but fictitious, subject.
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03x07 - Any Given Saturday Afternoon

Post by bunniefuu »

Good evening.

I'm Helen Mirren, and you're watching "Documentary Now!" Season 52.

For most Americans, bowling is a pastime.

It's a low-stakes way to have fun with friends and family.

But for those in the Professional Bowling League, the stakes are high and on full display in the 2003 sports documentary classic, "Any Given Saturday Afternoon.

" Season 3, Episode 7 Reporter: Bowling is a healthful recreation that the whole family can take part in and enjoy together all year round.

Rob: You know, when people think about bowling, they tend to think about this amateur pastime from the '50s.

But you got to remember, in the '70s and '80s, professional bowling was bigger than football.

I mean, forget Walter Payton and Joe Montana.

I mean, bowlers were the rock stars of sports.

Announcer: Billy May Dempsey may just be the best bowler to ever grace the lane.

Doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, just bowls.

He may not be the flashiest player in the PBL, but the pins don't know the difference.

Announcer #2: That's right.

They call him "d*ad Eyes Dempsey" for a reason.

Larry Hawburger, folks.

One of the crowd favorites here on the tour.

Nobody loves the sport of bowling more than Larry.

[Crowd chanting "Larry"]

And the fans love him right back.

Rick Kenmore, one strike away from a 300.

He's done it again another perfect game for the bad boy of bowling, Rick Kenmore.

Who's the man?

Love or hate his flamboyant style, you can't deny his skills on the lane.

Rob: So bowling had a pretty good run.

But, you know, along came Michael Jordan and Mike Tyson, then Andre Agassi and, uh, Brett Favre, Bo Jackson, Wayne Gretzky, and, you know, Tiger Woods, Ken Griffey, Jr. , Charles Barkley.

And that '92 "Dream Team" Jesus!

It was awesome!

Announcer #3: Jordan with a behind-the-back save!

Here's Bird.


Anyway, the point is, bowling started looking like a pastime stuck in the past.

Oh, too bad!

Rob: You know, times change, and if you can't keep up with your audience, they're just going to change the channel.

Announcer #4: A gut-wrenching day for the PBL family.

Rick Kenmore will throw the final ball on the final telecast of the PBL.

Announcer #5: A fitting end, considering Rick's father, the great Stan Kenmore, won the first tournaments on the very first telecast back in 1962.

Announcer #6: He needs a strike.

Oh, and that heartbreaking final pin left standing means Billy May Dempsey defeats Rick Kenmore to become the 1992 PBL Champion.

Rob: The final match in '92, that was it.

That was the end of the PBL.

From all of us here at the PBL, goodbye forever.




Just waiting for the wind to die down.

- Whoa!

- Nice ball!

Billy: Nah, I like Florida.

I mean, some people would say I'm a little on the young side to like living in a retirement community, but I like that.

There are a lot of old people here, and I like their games.

Yeah, this is the house.

My wife designed it.

Here's her woman cave.

And, yeah, she likes Alf a little bit.

I don't care for him.

I think he's disrespectful.

I don't care for the way he talks to his host family, but she loves the bad boys.

Hey, honey.

Rick: It's never gonna change.

Stan Kenmore is always going to be more famous than Rick Kenmore because Stan Kenmore made bowling what it is today.

Hey, Jan!

Hey, old man, you're still alive, huh?

Didn't hear me.

Here you go, Dad, show them your trophies.

And this is what I grew up with.

These are mine, not his.

My dad was the best there ever was.

Reporter #2: Stan Kenmore They called him "The Stroker," "The Pilgrim," "The Meat from Missouri," an ace-in-the-hole on any bowling roster.

[Cheers and applause]

Rick: That's all I knew growing up.

So when I got old enough, I decided to rebel against everything my dad was.

I became the exact opposite of my dad in every way I could.

Man: But your dad's a bowler.

Yeah, and I'm a rebel bowler.

Right, but wouldn't the opposite of a bowler have been not a bowler?

No, it would be a rebel bowler.

Losing to Billy May in the '92 finals was one of the most devastating matches of my career.

I just wish I could have another chance to b*at him on TV to prove I'm as good as my dad.

Larry: Yeah, I made a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of bad choices in my life.

If the doctor said, "Hey, buddy, you got a year to live," I'd be like, "Hey, Doc, make it 3 months.

I don't got enough money to make it out the year.

" I grew up in and out of foster homes, and it wasn't until I started bowling that I found my real family.

Here, that is a 4 1/2 for you.

Bowling means everything to me.

This is it.

Wall of Fame.

There's Dave Husted, legend.

Oh, man, Rick Kenmore.

I lost to this guy first round back in '90.

What a guy.

Billy May Dempsey, best in the world.

Man: - What's that one?

- Mhhh.

The last time I ever professionally bowled.

Charley Scragg had to back out last minute because his wife went into labor last second, but, man, what a night!

Ernie: If you're just tuning in here, you're watching Larry Hawburger, who is off to a bit of a rough start.

Announcer #7: Well, that's right, Ernie.

Larry has already won this match by default, but what should have been a victory lap is turning into a nightmare.

He just can't seem to pull it together here today.

Oh, and he leaves another open frame.

I don't know if it's nerves or what.

This is a fall from grace if I've ever seen it.

And another gutter ball.

We are witnessing a complete and utter meltdown.

I've never seen anything quite like this.

This is Larry's last chance to break 100.

He needs two pins to do it.


And Larry ends the day with a 98.

Which is gonna be the lowest winning score in PBL history.

Man #2: You suck, Hawburger!

How do you recover from something like this?

Larry: Well, it was kind of hard to show my face around the circuit after that.

I thought I'd be working that Pro Bowl forever, but now I'm just trying to find a safe place to park my car at night.

I know things will turn around for me.

I know it will.

Big news today from the world of professional bowling The PBL is returning to broadcast television.

Three former pets.

com executives have purchased the Professional Bowling League and hired a veteran ABC sports producer to bring bowling into the modern age.

My job is to give the audience what they want.

And I'll tell you what they don't want They don't want analysis.

They don't want statistics.

They don't want color commentary.

They want heroes and villains.

They want someone to cheer and someone to boo.

They want me to give them a story, okay?

And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

Here we go again, back to the circus.

Billy: Paula says if I win this year, I can paint the whole house brown.

White is just What am I, a punk rocker?

Well, the good news is that I don't have to pack the car.

Man #1: And do you feel ready to make your return to professional bowling?

Yeah, yeah, 100%.

Rob: Okay, okay.

Everybody, come on.

Let's go.

We've got a couple seats down here.

Let's go.

We are fighting a global fight for a share of people's TVs.

We need to make this sport more exciting.

You are not losers.

You are not dorks.

You don't suck.

What you do is not stupid and worthless, and I don't give a shit who tells you that.

I don't care if it's your kids, your wives, your parents.

You go up and you tell somebody you're an athlete, that assh*le shouldn't be laughing.

You're bowlers.

By the time we're done with this, you're gonna be proud to say it.

So, Rob, how the hell do we do this?

I'll tell you.

It's called storytelling, folks, and it ain't rocket science.

I mean, look, we already got our good guy, Billy May Dempsey.

Where is he, right there?

Billy May Dempsey.

And we got the guy that everybody loves to hate, our resident bad boy of bowling, Mr.

assh*le, Rick Kenmore.

There he is!

- Boo!

- Boo!

Where is Larry Hawburger?

There he is, Larry Hawburger.

We all know Larry Hawburger.

Can you give him a hand, huh?

We all know Larry, down and out the last few years.

We know how he squandered his last check that he ever won.

We know that he pays alimony to a woman he never met.

We know that, basically, he's pissed away every opportunity that's come his way.

That's Larry.

But if Larry Hawburger wins this, it's gonna be the greatest underdog story in the modern sports era.

Now, that is a hell of a story.

So, Larry, come on up here.

You are gonna be our "Comeback Kid.

" What do you think?

Try that on.

And for the rest of you assholes, I'll figure your story out later.

Pat: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

You are witnessing a truly historic event.

It is the return of professional bowling to national television.

This is the "Road to the Championship.

" And it won't be an easy road for these bowlers who have arrived from all over the country.

The field begins with 130 athletes, but only 64 will pass this qualification round and move on to compete in the tournament season.

Fail to make the top 64 and you're going home.

And who to begin but Larry Hawburger.

- Remember Larry Hawburger?

- Who could forget?

His last television appearance is bowling infamy.

Well, I know the fans are just as anxious as we are to find out if this one-time champ can make it back on the tour roster and prove that he has what it takes to be the "Comeback Kid.

" We're rooting for you, Larry.

[Ball thuds]

- Oh!

- Aw!

And welcome back Rick Kenmore from Dellwood, Missouri, still trying to fill the enormous shoes of his father, the great Stan Kenmore.

He opens with a strike.

Great lane, we'll have a look at it.

Hustles right into the pocket.

Five-step delivery, high backswing.

Wow, look at the loft there!

Working on a four-bagger.

And he punches out in the 10th to finish with a 256, earning him a place in the top 64.

The bad boy of bowling is officially back.

There he is, folks, Billy May Dempsey from Inverness, Florida, one of the greatest to ever play the game.

31 titles.

Back on the lane and looking better than ever.

Right pocket hit carries a shake.

Ooh, man, and that's 10 in the 5th for a hedgehog in the 6th.

Coming into his final roll and, boom, he goes off the sheet with a 10-bag.

The Bahama Llama, as folks in Ohio would call it.

That's gonna be hard to b*at.

So there you have it, folks, the top 64 players who are moving on to the tour, and, no surprise, it's "d*ad Eyes Dempsey" once again at the top of the leader board.

Woo, woo, woo, woo!

Man #3: This is Sports Radio 660 KAFM, Phoenix.

We're back and, Amy, I'm wondering, did you see the bowling match this weekend?

Amy: Wait, hold on!

Hey, Grandpa, wake up.

Mike wants to talk about bowling on the show.

I'm serious, Amy, bowling is back.

This is crazy!

You've got to check out this guy, Billy May Dempsey.

This guy is incredible.

But there's no talking Billy May Dempsey without talking Rick Kenmore.

Let's go to the phone.

Caller, you're on.

Man #4: Yeah, people want to talk about Billy May Dempsey or Dave Kress or whatever, but I'm all about Rick Kenmore.

That dude is the sickest bowler.

I could not agree with you more.

Thank you, caller.

We're talking bowling.

It is sweeping the nation.

We're taking your calls right now.

Rob: Honestly, it's going better than I could have hoped for.

Our ratings are climbing.

Our sponsors are coming back.

I mean, it's almost perfect.

Man #1: What do you mean "almost"?

Well, I mean, you know, could Billy May be a little bit more camera-friendly?

Uh, yeah!

Pat: You know, Chad, sometimes I wonder what's going on behind those d*ad eyes of his.

Chad: The world may never know.

Is it helpful that his biggest fans are the 65-and-over demo?

Not really.

And a shout-out to Billy May from his friends at the Twilight Bowlers Retirement League here in Orlando.

But on the other hand, thank God for Rick Kenmore.

Rick Kenmore strutting his stuff.

I mean, that son of a bitch, he's got everything.

He's got the looks.

He's got the attitude.

He's got those daddy issues.

Come on!

Every stop on the tour, there's a line down the street of people looking for his autograph.

That's Rick Kenmore.

You know, he's a g*dd*mn star.

Who's the man of the day?

I am!

You guessed it!

Why not?

Who knows?

I do.

Never, never talk to me about before.

This guy is me.

That's how I know you know.

Suck my sack!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

Rob: That suck my sack, that changed everything.

Suck my sack!

[Crowd chanting "Suck my sack"]

Billy: You know, when I'm on TV, I just try to project a positive image.

I certainly don't say "S" my "S. " Honey, it's ready.

Rick: It honestly doesn't mean anything sexual.

It's just, like, a fun thing to yell when you're proud of yourself.

I can see how someone would think it was sexual and get offended by it.

Like if they thought sack meant ball sack, they might think that.


Pat: Well, here we are at the last round before the championship.

It looks like Billy May Dempsey is gonna slide easily into next week's final.

Chad: And with that, Billy May Dempsey is heading to the championships in the first-seed position.

Well, if you were looking for drama, folks, you've found it right here, as Rick Kenmore is facing down a 2-10 split looking to turn it into a turkey sandwich.

That's right, Pat, not an easy sh*t, but a bird-dog here and he heads to the finals as the number-two seed.


Rick Kenmore has done it!

He is going to the championship.

Suck my sack, Billy May.

I'm gonna b*at you on TV for the whole kielbasa!

[Cheers and applause]

Rob: Wow!

Billy May and Rick in the finals, I mean, that's everything you could have hoped for, everything!

Billy May Dempsey is probably the best bowler, but Rick Kenmore, he's what bowling needs.

Pat: The PBL Championship has reached its final destination.

Today, live from the Baltimore Convention Center in the heart of beautiful downtown Baltimore, Maryland - Go ahead.

- our two contestants are vying for $185,000 in prize money.

It's the 2003 PBL Championship.

Chad: Rick was the first to arrive today, so he gets to decide if he wants to bowl first or second.

- Whoo!

- He's going second.


Pat: Big crowd here as Billy May Dempsey makes his first approach, and we are under way.

And he starts things off with a Jersey squash.

Rick Kenmore steps to the line.

Let's see if he can answer.


And stay down, mama!


P. U !

Smells like somebody beefed over here!

I don't stink.


Billy May throws a Brooklyn on that one but great pin action and the head pin sweeps the king.

Chad: Man, this is shaping up to be a classic cranker versus stroker showdown.

Rick is right in the pocket.

Takes care of all 10.

He is getting fired up here tonight.

Oh, the 10 stick is left standing.

It's getting interesting, getting interesting.

He rides the lightning to close the frame.


Hip pocket hit with a paralyzed 8 pin left standing.

Rick has got to be careful.

Billy May could pull ahead here.

He crushes the wall sh*t to pick up the spare.

Kenmore is coming into this frame with a double.

Another strike and Rick makes it a turkey!

Suck my sack!

He's letting Billy May know he's here to win.

Make it a hambone for Billy May.

Kenmore throws a boomer.

- Yeah!

- Dempsey's last roll.

Great pin action and Billy May strikes out in the 10th and will end with a 19-pin lead.

Rick Kenmore will need a perfect finish to b*at him.

Pat: Well, it all comes down to this.

Billy May finishes with a 266, and now Rick Kenmore must answer the call with three strikes to win.

Chad: That's right, Pat, it's do or die for Rick.

Come on, Rick, don't (bleep) this up!

It's a high-pocket splasher and that's 10 in the pit for Kenmore.

I'm gonna b*at you on TV, Billy May.

No, you're not, I hope.

Pat: He needs another strike to stay in the game.

Quick look back to his dad.

Rick really wants to show his papa that he can win that whole kielbasa.

He must strike here.

Deep breath, there's the set-up, five-step delivery, good wrist action.

Can he keep it going?

Oh, he leaves the 10 pin standing!

(Bleep) And that means Billy May Dempsey from Inverness, Florida, has won the whole kielbasa and is your 2003 PBL World Champion.

Rob: Well, congratulations, Billy May Dempsey, on your 2003 PBL Championship!

Billy May, how did you get to be such a darn good bowler?

Well, it's all just mathematics, really.

A man of few words, as always.

And since I was a kid, my father would go off on these benders for weeks at a time.

And he'd keep my sister and me locked in the basement so no one would know he'd left us there and try to come take us away.

And I'd pick up these little pebbles and try to throw them through the window and hit a street sign across the alley, try and get somebody's attention, anyone's.

Bring us food.

Bring us to a government building.

But no one lived around there, so no one heard.

So, yeah, I guess to the kids out there, just practice.


Okay, here's the trophy.

There it is!

[Cheers and applause]

- Frigging 10 pin.

- Frigging 10 pin.

Wouldn't go down.

What are you gonna do?

Me and my dad have actually been spending a little more time together working on our relationship.

I mean, my dad is the king.

That's just how it's always gonna be.

And if he's the king, I guess that makes me a prince, a rebel prince.

Billy: Yup, after the championship, Paula thought I might have some emotional issues I hadn't dealt with, so I started seeing a therapist, and it helped for a while.

But I realized that working out my problems was hurting my bowling and my pétanque, so I stopped going.

I can't have that.

Larry: I guess, I was just hoping it would be different this time around, you know, that I would actually get to be the comeback kid.

Then I realized, you know, maybe not everyone is cut out for professional sports.

I just kind of like regular bowling.

It's a fun game you can play with your friends, and everybody can have a good time.

Anybody can win, even me.

All right!

All right!

All right!

All right!

Aw, we're having a good time!



Not so bad.

All right!

You're doing all right!

Come here, man.


Season 3, Episode 7 Who's the man?
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