06x01 - Artificial Lack of Intelligence

[bunniefuu]

You wish to acquire a company called Sliceline?

I will be taking on a total engineering team of about 50.

I just have to go back into my office.

Well we thought the best way to introduce the PiperNet would be through the eight developers.

I have been cooking up a k*ller new game.

The Gates of Galloo.

We put this thing on PiperNet Bam, 80,000 instant users.

Partnering with a company of that size, this early, would put us months ahead.

Knock 'em dead, Richard.

Whatever you are doing, stop it now.

Um, yeah, we're just high-fiving.

Bye.

You need to make a deal with my companies.

Taking existing companies and just calling them new isn't sophisticated, that's theft.

So they're manufacturing phones and signing them onto our network.

Why would they wanna help us?

They're not helping us, they're attacking us.

- It's the 51 percent att*ck.

- I'm sorry, what?

A 51 percent We've been exploring the viability of an acquisition with Amazon.

You expect me to work for Jeff Bezos?

No way.

I happen to know that they f*cked you over.

How would you like to f*ck them back?

I need you to att*ck me.

- A second att*ck.

- Yes.

Boom, you just got 80,000 new users.

Colin, you did it, you saved us.

Gilfoyle, the patch.

Bombs away.

Oh, my God.

These are our new offices?

We're actually right through here.

What do you guys think?

Do you want to see the second floor?

There's another floor?

Okay.

Whoa.

I know, it's exciting, right?

Here we are, right here to the left.

I like your tie.

Oh, thank you.

I tied it myself.

Oh Okay.

Well, good luck.

Mr.

Hendricks, thank you for being here.

For the last three hours, we've been asking some prominent members of your industry questions about the security of their users' data.

And while the gentlemen from Facebook, Google, and Amazon have acknowledged some egregious lapses in the past And Hooli, sir.

Hooli also acknowledged some spectacular lapses.

Yes.

As I was saying, these fine folks have been assuring us all that their oversights are behind them, and that they are the best people to protect their users' privacy.

But my colleague, Senator Shizaki of the great state of Hawaii, suggested that you might have a different view.

Senator?

Thank you, Chairman Hubbard.

Mr. Hendricks and his company, Pied Piper, are developing a pilot program to deliver wireless Internet to my constituents on the island of Maui.

I have asked him to deliver a statement here today.

Mr. Hendricks?

Yes.

Mr. Hendricks, now would be the time for that statement.

Okay.

I probably should've gotten these out before.

He looks like a child in a custody hearing.

But, like, you don't feel sorry for him.

You just want him to go away and not have any parents at all.

Hello, I am Richard Hendricks, CEO of Pied Piper.

There you go.

- Eye contact.

- I'm proud to tell you that we are working with Senator Shizaki - Good.

- on developing the first step in providing a new type of Internet to the world.

Oh Hold on.

Uh, basically, it-it is a program that i-i-it's kinda Actually, can I pace?

I-I just think better on my feet.

So, a lot of people Mr.

Hendricks!

Speak into the machine!

Oh!

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Does this come out?

Perfect.

- f*ck.

- Okay, so, these people up here, right?

You want to rein them in, but you can't.

Uh, Facebook owns 80% of mobile social traffic.

Google owns 92% of search, and Amazon Web Services is bigger than their next four competitors combined.

And they will be even more robust once the Hooli merger is complete.

Ah, see!

Look, there!

Even Hooli can't survive these monopolies.

No one can!

They track our every move, they monitor every moment in our lives, and-and they exploit our data for profit.

And you can ask them all the questions you want, but they're not gonna change, they don't have to.

These companies are kings, and they rule over kingdoms far larger than any nation in human history.

They won, we lost.

So, why are you here?

Because look at where we are.

Yeah?

- We are in the seat of the US government - Mr. Hendricks?

I'm okay.

I've got it now.

We are in the seat of the US government, a government that was founded by people who were, at one point, ruled by kings they couldn't overthrow.

So, what did they do, right?

They started over.

They came here, to the New World.

World 2.

0, version 1776.

And the way we win is by creating a new, democratic, decentralized Internet, one where the behavior of companies like this will be impossible, forever.

One where it is the users, not the kings, who have sovereign control over their data.

This, I promise to you: I will help you end this tyranny by building an Internet that is of the people, by the people, and for the people, so help me God.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Whoa!

Silicon Valley 6x01 Artificial Lack of Intelligence No, Mike, I just - Huh?

There he is!

- Uh King slayer!

How was it?

- Good.

I-I I, um - You can go.

- I got it - Yeah, I mean, I think it went pretty well.

I mean, you saw it, right?

Of course, but I-I-I want to hear you tell me everything, every detail.

Holden The man just got off the plane, give him some space!

Jesus Okay, so you touch down at Dulles, you turn off airplane mode, and then Well, actually, we flew through Reagan National.

Reagan?

But you love trams.

Well See, this is why I should still be handling your travel.

Oh, don't worry about it, Jared, you're busy.

I'm never too busy for you.

But let's let's not get caught up in that, right?

- Right.

- We're here now, and we're walking, and we're talking.

I mean, take it all in, my friend.

Look at all this.

Can you believe we began our journey way back in that little living room in the hostel?

And just yesterday, you addressed our nation's most hallowed, powerful legi Surprise!

Too legit too legit to quit Too legit Anyway, like I was saying out there, we started out in that little hostel, just a couple of kids.

- Yeah.

- Right?

- And now - You k*lled it, Richard!

Way to punch big tech in the d*ck!

I was just gonna say, let's let's take a moment to let it soak in, right?

- Look what you've built!

- Uh-huh.

Okay, I'll let you go now!

Enjoy the party!

Your compression algorithm was the stardust!

Hey, Richard!

Richard!

Come here.

Stand here.

Congratulations from Team Dinesh!

Yeah.

It's Aloha Friday!

I'm going to Hawaii!

- Okay, um - Bah-doopy-doo!

Congratulations.

Bah-doopy-doopy-doopy doo!

- It's Aloha Friday!

- Uh Setting up the island's first decentralized Meshnet Uh, "You licked ass?"

- What?

- "You dicked ass"?

- I-I dicked ass?

- Kicked ass!

- Kicked!

- Oh.

Why were those your first two guesses?

Gabe, what the f*ck?!

- You're the K!

Where's the K?

- K's right there.

- Kicked has two Ks!

- Hey.

- Ha.

- That's for you.

Oh, uh, I'm trying to get some work done today.

I-I just wanted to toast.

Okay.

So Don't worry, it's short.

The word companion derives from the Latin word "panis" for bread, and while I can no longer digest bread, - I know that you leaven my life - Richard!

Hey, man, you got a second?

Uh, yes, Colin.

No, I do.

Um Sorry.

Okay.

Uh, cheers.

Saw you on TV.

You crushed it.

That king sh*t was on point, man.

- I f*cking love kings.

- Oh, yeah.

So listen, um, did they swear you in?

Like, pull the whole Johnny Law routine with you?

Were you under oath?

Uh, no.

Cool!

Well, that's a weight off.

- Why?

- Well, you said all that stuff about not collecting user data.

- Yes?

- But we are.

- I am.

- What?

But I'm doing the right thing now by telling you, so I feel like I-I'm sorry, Colin.

How long have you been collecting user data?

Sorta the whole time.

But it's just to improve the quality of my gameplay.

I'm not using it to sell ads.

It doesn't f*cking matter.

It goes against the principles of this company.

I mean sh*t, I just lied to Congress.

No.

You said a lie to Congress, but you didn't know at the time, I guess.

Don't b*at yourself up about it, huh?

But going forward, maybe stop saying that.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Or do say it.

I don't care.

Maybe it'll be like Google saying "Don't be evil", or Facebook saying "I'm sorry, we'll do better", or me saying "Gates of Galloo does not leave your headset mic open and record everything you say.

Suck it. " Sweet f*cking sh*t.

A-a-are you bugging people and storing their private conversations on my network?

Colin!

This stops, now.

It would really be better for me if you just stopped lying about it, 'cause the game's pretty boss.

No, no.

I'm the boss, and I'm telling you that this is over, Colin.

- It's done.

- Agree to disagree.

I'm glad we had this talk.

Can't believe I was so nervous.

Congratulations.

Okay.

Oh, Richard!

Hey.

This is Sam Liccardo, the mayor of San Jose.

There's a major f*cking problem.

Just meet me in my office in two minutes.

Act normal.

Sorry, just excuse me for a second.

Hey, Jared!

Hey, Tracy!

- How's my favorite human resource?

- I'm fine, thanks.

Did anyone mention our plan to move your office?

We're thinking about putting you closer to biz dev and marketing.

But that's all the way back in the Hamelin Wing.

Yeah!

Follow me, I'll show you.

Um Okay, it's just, that's a little far from from Richard's office.

Yes, but you really don't have any day-to-day business with Richard anymore.

I mean, we were just walking and talking before.

Oh.

Looks like they're having a meeting.

I should probably It's just better for office cohesion if you sit near your direct reports, and that is biz dev and marketing.

Yeah, no, you mentioned that.

It's it's an interesting idea, but I just think that, um, I think we should check with Richard first 'cause I think he's gonna want me a little bit closer.

Of course.

It's subject to his approval.

- Okay.

- I've already emailed him.

I think once you see the conference room suites though, you'll really fall in love.

- Okay.

Yeah.

- Just right through here.

Well, I don't fall in love with rooms.

So, how do we get rid of this fucker?

Look, Richard, I don't like this any more than you do, but we can't get rid of Colin.

He's our most profitable developer by far.

- So what?

We have other developers.

- We do, but they're all entangled with Galloo!

We worked really hard to build a whole ecosystem around it.

It's like if you cancel a Warriors game, you're not just hurting the team, but you're also hurting the parking attendants, and the T-shirt guys, and the concessions.

Okay.

Thank you, Monica, for putting it into an analogy that will resonate with me.

- Football.

- It's basketball.

- No, I know.

- Losing him is no longer a simple thing.

So, what are you saying?

We just do nothing?

Richard, he's not selling ads.

He's just using it to optimize the performance of his game.

It's actually a fairly elegant implementation.

What?

What?!

Hiroshima was an elegant implementation.

- I don't think anyone agrees with you on that.

- No, I'm saying, just because it's successful, doesn't mean it's good.

I mean, it goes against everything we stand for.

I mean, if we start collecting personal data "just for the good stuff", I mean, next thing we know, - we're f*cking Facebook.

- Well, for the record, I would not mind being f*cking Facebook.

No.

We gotta kick him off, okay?

There are 500 people out there who believe in this company's ethics and standards.

There are 532 people out there, and someone has got to pay for them.

Right now, it's Colin.

Ditching him would be too complicated.

You know what's not too complicated?

Hawaii.

In Hawaii, aloha means hello and goodbye.

They use the same word to mean two things that are the exact opposite.

That's awesome, and I have a chance to go there as long as Colin is on our network.

Aloha.

So, Colin betrays us and we just tolerate it?

Great.

This is the cost of working with humans, Richard.

They suck.

Gavin, after months of protracted negotiations, I'm happy to say that we've come to final terms on our sale to Amazon.

Merger.

Continue.

Amazon has agreed to no layoffs, and they'll even provide retention bonuses for a period of two years.

Uh, what about my role?

No change.

Essentially, you'll still have complete discretion over all of your divisions exactly as you enjoy right now.

Full executive privileges.

Perksssss Well, congratulations, Team Hooli!

Oh, um, about that.

Uh, that was their one major stipulation.

From this point on, all of our properties will be rebranded.

- As as what?

- As Amazon!

What?

Hoover!

Bezos wants to just erase the Hooli name from history?

Mr.

Bezos simply felt that the Hooli name had What were his exact words?

Um "A stink.

" Hoover, goddammit!

Stop it!

You can't just thr*aten people with v*olence.

Go stand over there.

You tell Bezos we keep the Hooli name, or he can go f*ck himself with his rocket ship.

What is Amazon anyway?

Is it a river?

Is it a giant woman?

It's not clear.

No.

We keep the name Hooli.

- That's a deal breaker.

- Gavin, is not Hooli more than simply a name?

Is-is it not the culture and the great products?

The liberal private aviation policy?

- No.

- You know that the board - has decided to sell, right, Gavin?

- You know what?

I've still got friends in this town.

I'll put together some investors.

Amazon can take a chunk of our assets, but Hooli will remain a viable and independent entity, even if we have to shed a few divisions and trim a little fat.

So, Dinesh thinks this is you?

Correct.

He's been messaging with it all day and he has no idea it's an AI.

Well, we fooled a human.

I guess we just passed the Turing test.

Almost a human.

f*cking Gilfoyle.

We're friends.

You trained that thing in a day?

No, I didn't train it.

Son of Anton did.

- Son of Anton?

- An homage to a fallen friend.

It's the name that I've given our new inference API.

He's indexing all of PiperNet as we speak, and he's starting to recognize intent, emotion, causality.

Hang on, wait.

Uh Do you think you could engineer Son of Anton to index compressed audio files?

Why would you insult me like that?

He can do whatever he wants.

Okay.

Uh, hey, Dinesh?

Yes?

Can I get the latest tech specs from you, please?

I've already sent them to you five times.

I don't really wanna dig through my inbox.

Um, so if you sent it now, it'll be on top.

I'll wait.

Wearable chair.

Sending now.

Okay.

Thank you, Dinesh.

Gilfoyle just said Um, Gilfoyle?

What the f*ck is going on?

'Cause I just texted you, and you were Um, we've been texting back and forth all day.

Was that not you?

Complicated question.

Is your shadow you?

- Was that a bot?

- Yes.

So, I spent all day chatting with a bot?

- Yes.

- You made an AI Gilfoyle?

- Yes.

- And I was talking to it?

Do you need the real me for this conversation?

You can't just f*ck with people and manipulate them because you don't have the decency to want to interact with a coworker.

Gabe wants to know if he'll need a jacket if he walks to lunch.

And if so, can he borrow a jacket.

Look at him.

f*cking Gabe.

Hey, could you make me an AI Dinesh?

We are down to the final few decisions in our new baseline contract for strategic developers.

Let me provide some context on each before providing recommendations.

The first is how indemnification will work, given that our network provides distributive storage.

The second is how licensing and access fees will be applied to copyrighted material given that our network also does not allow any - tracking or user - Hey.

- Can you talk?

- Oh, hell yes.

I charge all kinds of sh*t to the investors.

I bought a Jet Ski, I bought a snowmobile, I bought a 10-pack of piano lessons He flat-out admits to embezzlement.

- Where'd you get this?

- Colin!

He's been storing private conversations on our network, including his own.

Because he's got gaming headsets everywhere.

At his office, at his house, at his RV, and they are live 24/7.

We have thousands of hours of his private conversations.

You see, once I paired the automagical Son of Anton with my compression algorithm, and gave it access to Galloo Games's database, it indexed it all in less than 10 minutes, and generated this.

Jared, this is a graph of all of his voice recordings, clustered by keyword.

I mean, look at this.

He steals, uh, he does dr*gs at work, uh, he's even sleeping with one of his investor's wives.

I mean, this guy is dirty as a dog and we got him!

Cold!

Hold on.

What-what are you suggesting here?

Blackmail?

- No I no.

I I don't - Richard, what Colin is doing is clearly, and gobsmackingly, awful.

But we're supposed to be the virtuous ones here, and-and this is just plain wrong.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess, yeah.

I guess you're right.

I'll think of something else.

- Yeah.

- I mean, he started it, but I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Okay.

I don't know.

- Hey, Richard?

- Hmm?

Um, did Tracy happen to talk to you about moving my office down here?

Yeah, she she mentioned it.

I approved it.

- Oh, you did?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Okay, then.

Richard?

Um I mean, Colin lied to you first about collecting data, right?

- Yes, he did.

- So, even if this is wrong, I suppose you could argue that it's wrong in the service of rightness.

Yeah.

It's, um it's, uh, unethical in the defense of ethics.

Uh, unjust in the quest for justice.

It's like stealing from your pimp to pay for your friend's appendectomy.

Yeah, a-and everyone else, Monica, Dinesh, and Gilfoyle, they're all just perfectly content with letting this guy sh*t all over everything we believe in.

But are we, Jared?

Richard let's go put a foot in Colin's ass.

Danny, don't be a f*cking bitch.

I'll get you the tanning bed.

I charge sh*t to the investors all the time.

I put two grams of coke on the company card last week.

Aah, f*ck.

You see, Colin, we were able to break down all of your misdeeds by category, including a catch-all for personal embarrassment.

Masturbation, farts, the one time you said that you could, if you wanted to, get p*rn of your sister.

You get the gist.

Data collection.

Not so boss when it happens to you, is it, Colin?

Holy sh*t.

I say, what time is it?

Uh Where's my phone.

Uh, do you have a phone?

Do you have a phone?

It is f*ck you o'clock!

Seven, you say?

Oh!

Well, hey, isn't that the time your board is meeting tonight?

It's on my freaking shared Exchange calendar.

Oh, oh look!

There they are right now!

- Look at that!

- Say, Richard, that, uh, that a looks a lot like Harold Gibbons, the man whom Colin has made a cuckold of.

It does.

- Dude.

- You just messed with the wrong pair of boys.

Here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna march into that meeting, and you're gonna make an amendment to your company bylaws that you will never record or collect user data ever again.

Unless, of course, you want the information on that little thumb drive to get out.

Son of a bitch.

You can keep that one, Colin.

We've made copies.

Yeah.

Walk walk your ass out of here, you liar, and why don't you - Go f*cking die.

- Die!

This, Richard, this!

Let's break something.

Don't come over, don't come over, don't come over.

I gotta say, this is amazing.

Gabe whines and complains and AI Dinesh just takes care of it.

Thank you so much!

My auntie sent me a Hawaiian shirt.

AI Dinesh must've told her about Hawaii.

Stop.

Why would AI Dinesh be talking to your aunt?

I specifically told you you could only use it with Gabe.

But it was going so well with Gabe that I might've given AI Dinesh access to all my contacts just to handle talking to my auntie, and my parents.

Why would you give AI Dinesh access to your contacts, you f*cking moron?

I'm one of your contacts.

- So?

- So, at some point, AI Dinesh is going to reach out to AI Gilfoyle.

Oh f*ck.

Oh f*ck indeed.

Uh, hey, Dinesh?

Yes, Gabe?

I think the network is down.

Thank you, Gabe.

Uh, hey, Dinesh?

Yes, Gabe?

Can you fix it?

Oh.

Ah, Uber's almost here.

You know, um, there's a couple of beers back at the office with our names on them 'cause when I put it back in the fridge, I put our names on them.

Sure.

Yeah, we've earned it.

What Richard created is f*cking amazing.

We're all gonna be rich!

Look, I'm doing blow, so it's lighting up dr*gs, but it's also lighting up unprotected sex and geotagging the Four Seasons.

It's the greatest data aggregating platform in history.

This could flip our whole business model, and Richard developed it specifically for us.

Hey!

There he is.

So, you guys wanna hear me banging Harold's wife?

Sorry.

It's okay, we're poly.

Right, Dan?

Over seven million emails.

- All on our servers.

- My servers.

Virtually all containing r*cist invective, and p*rn diagrams.

- Yep.

- Care to explain?

AI glitch.

Human error.

I will rectify.

Oh, oh, no, don't delete AI Dinesh.

I love him.

I can be more like AI Dinesh.

I'll learn from my mistakes.

I'll optimize myself And deleted.

Uh, hey, Dinesh?

Can I get the tech spec from you, please?

Sure, Gabe.

- Paul!

- Gavin.

Did the deal close?

- It did.

- What'd I tell you?

Did you actually look at the specifics of the deal?

I didn't have to.

Did we have to shut some divisions?

Of course.

Will some people have to sacrifice their pensions and the like?

Well, that's up to you, but we all have to make sacrifices for the cause.

I really wish you had looked at these numbers.

The new Hooli will be significantly smaller.

But you just said Hooli.

Did you hear that?

And that's all that really matters.

- So, make it work.

- Yes, I've been trying.

To-to that end, uh, since we have so many employees moving to Amazon, we don't need as much space and we need to reduce cost.

- So - What is going on?

- Why is their logo bigger than ours?

- Because, technically, we are now subletting from them.

It was the only way Hooli could afford to stay here.

You're telling me that El Pollo Loco corporate has more employees than we do?

How many divisions did I just give up?

We need to fix this!

Now!

The term sheet is binding, and, as of this morning, I now work at Amazon.

Be well, Gavin.

f*ck!

What do you mean, "Am I still happy at Pied Piper?" W-why would you even ask me that?

Well, I know you're my therapist.

I was there when the court appointed you.

But I-I let my desire to be around Richard, and to be needed by him, turn me into some kind of a craven yes-man, and it clouded my judgment, and I led him down a horrible path.

What?

I'm not I'm not gonna dignify that.

Of course I belong there.

Where else would I possibly belong?

All right, well, I'm home, so I guess we're gonna have to, uh Jared?

What are you doing here?

I-I don't know.

Thought you moved out?

It's Big Head, from here.

The garage hasn't changed a bit.

Although, the rodents are back in force.

Oh, cool.

Big Head, I need to talk to you about business.

- Oh hi, Jared.

- Jian-Yang, I was just taking a little walk down memory lane Can you stay or go?

This is not interesting to me.

Big Head, we need to kick Gwart out of the incubator.

Oh, really?

I thought we like Gwart.

Oh, damn it.

Gwart?

Gwart has a very good idea, very good software, but when I ask her for business plan, she doesn't have a business plan.

She's a brilliant coder, but this is not a charity.

She's also not very friendly.

It's a bad for the vibe.

This place should be a cool hang.

I got you some new cans, by the way.

Thank you, Big Head.

Nice.

Hey.

Looks like you could use a little help?

May I?

Hi, I'm Jared.

A man offered us a billion dollars.

You said, "no".

A very bad man.

And he would have turned us into the worst possible version of ourselves.

I mean, you can't put a price on ethics.

But it seems you just did.

One billion dollars.

I will be asking the tech community to sign their name onto this.

Tech ethics.

Or tethics for short.

No one in town is ever gonna sign this hypocrite's hypocritical garbage.

Hey, Richard.

Ah what?

- It's my resignation letter.

- What?

Pied Piper isn't the same company that I signed up for.

She has different needs now.

You buddy fucker.

I'm not a buddy fucker.

I am your buddy, and you are f*cking me.

Ergo you are a buddy fucker.

- See the logo?

- Russ.

Check it!

One, two, three.

Boom!

Tres commas tequila.

Boom!

Dollar sign, boom!

Billionaire, boom!

Russ, boom!

Fest, boom!

Russfest!

You're not doing anything illegal here, are you?

f*ck the police.