Grumpy Old Men (1993)
Mr. Gustafson!
I have to talk to you!
Mr.
Gustafson, will you answer the door, please?!
I know you're in there!
It's no use pretending this isn't happening, Mr. Gustafson!
I can't keep coming...
..back here every couple of days!
You have to talk to me!
Mr. Gustafson, I'm just trying to help you!
Come on and open the door!
I'll just keep knocking!
I'll come back, so you might as well answer the door!
I know you're in there!
Think of the neighbors, Mr. Gustafson!
There's a letter for you, Mr. Gustafson!
I suggest you read it!
-Morning, dickhead.
-Hello, moron.
What are you...?
Never mind.
Just forget it.
Who's the guy yakking?
Mind your own business.
Mind your own business.
Tie your shoe.
You'll fall on your stupid head.
Shut up!
We're having a heat wave.
"We're having a heat wave A tropical heat wave" Somebody moving into the old Clickner place.
-You picked up on that, Sherlock.
-Excuse me!
I wonder if you could tell me...
...where I could find Mr. Gustafson?
Gustafson?
Sorry.
-Mr.
John Gustafson?
-That's right.
You mean the low-life, ass-wipe, egg-sucker John Gustafson?
Have you seen him?
That man's crazy.
Loco.
Always hanging around those kinky strip bars...
...where men take their clothes off.
If he's taken his medication.
Medication?
Without it, he could be anywhere.
Wandering around talking to trees.
Believe me, he's a menace.
Always drinking, fighting.
Am I right?
But have you seen him?
Sorry.
I think, perhaps....
If you see him...
...give him this and tell him to contact...
...Mr. Snyder immediately.
Schneider?
Snyder.
That's me.
It's important.
Important?
We'll tell him...
...when we see him.
Watch out for that ice.
Very slippery.
Right.
Holy moly!
Jesus!
A men's strip joint?
Idiot.
Thirty days.
This is great.
You should have seen Mrs.
Carlson's face when he said "It's a keeper." Oh, cold enough for you?
Shut up, fat-ass!
It's not yet Thanksgiving and we're enjoying our lovely fall weather.
Six inches of snow...
...with travelers' advisories in our area tonight.
You'd be advised to stay inside and have yourself a warm...
...home-cooked meal.
Here's what's coming up this week.
It's snow, snow, and more snow.
We've got snow coming into our area all week long.
Sunday afternoon, another cold front...
...will move into our area, and you know what that means.
What the hell?!
Holy...moly!
Oh, my God!
You're still using that b*at-up piece of firewood?
The Green Hornet's caught more fish than you've lied about, Gustafson.
You see her?
Drives pretty fast on that snowmobile.
Pretty damn fast.
Did you hear about Eddie Hicks?
Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not quick like a stroke.
A stroke is no good.
You could end up like a vegetable.
Give me a cardiac any day.
You know what Jacob said?
Jacob said that Billy Hinshel was k*lled in a car crash.
Head-on collision with a truck.
Cleared his car straight over the bridge into the Mississippi.
Lucky bastard.
You bet.
How is he anyway?
He's dead!
d*ed on impact!
Jacob...
...moron.
Jacob!
Oh, he's fine.
Doing real good.
Busy.
He promised to come for Thanksgiving.
Is he really running for mayor?
Make a damn fine mayor, too.
It's good he looks like his mother or he'd never get on the ballot.
Eat my shorts.
Hello, Mrs.
Truax.
Holy moly!
Jesus Quincy Adams.
I hit the cans again.
I heard.
How is the Grinch today?
Ain't got a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
Can I get you something?
A six-pack of Schmidt and some bait.
Shiners or wax worms?
I can't afford shiners, get me worms.
The worms are 75 cents.
Chuck, we're talking about worms not caviar.
You go through that every time.
Where are you going to get worms this time of year?
It's supply and demand.
You could retire from selling me worms.
Throw the beef jerky in too.
Five dollars for the beer and the worms.
Your old gut can't handle jerky.
g*dd*mn!
Is Pop out there at the shanty?
Always.
And the moron?
Lots of ice out there, Gustafson.
Should be room enough for both of you.
Lots of ice out there, Gustafson.
Hi, Dad!
Any luck today?
How the hell should I know?
I just got here.
Mel, she came by the other day and...
...said you'd been snapping.
Like a catfish.
I've had a lot on my mind lately.
I'll tell you what's on my mind.
It's butt-cold out here and I'm fresh out of beer.
Someone moved into the Clickner place.
A woman.
A woman?
Did you mount her?
Oh, Dad!
Does she have big thighs?
Then what's the problem?
If I was a young fellow like you, I'd be mounting...
...every woman in Wabasha.
Keep the change.
Hi, Punky.
Hi, John!
The Green Hornet strikes again!
Caught my limit!
You only snagged one.
Two fish are on there, you bonehead.
I throw back what I'm not going to eat.
Yeah, like that 40-pound muskie you're always yakking about.
It's a shame nobody ever sees you with these monsters.
You'll love it, Goldman.
Go to work.
What is it?
Oh, my God, they've come for me.
Oh, my God!
I....
You see, I was....
Excuse me, but I saw your light on and I was wondering...
...if I might use your bathroom.
What?
Your toilet is broken?
No, thank goodness.
I don't know, the house seemed so empty tonight.
I do so love bathrooms.
You can tell a lot about a person from his bathroom.
I didn't know that.
There it is.
I can't wait to see what's in there.
-Wait a minute.
-Much better than palm-reading.
Give me 30 seconds in a person's bathroom...
...and I'll give you a complete and accurate profile.
There's a guest bathroom.
Only be a minute.
So?
Fascinating.
Shouldn't you introduce yourself?
John Gustafson, right?
I took some of your mail yesterday to find out who you were.
But you don't get much and...
...it doesn't paint a picture.
Taking mail is a federal offense.
I know.
Sometimes you must go a long distance out of the way in order to...
...return a short distance correctly.
Don't you find that?
I love that line.
It's not mine.
It's from "The Zoo Story" by Edward Albee.
I teach American literature at Winona State University.
I started yesterday.
Oh, I love the classics, don't you?
Well, I also read "Field and Stream." Indeed?
You have a whole library up there from what I saw.
There's something really rugged and virile about the outdoors.
My manners!
I'm sorry.
I'm Ariel Truax.
How do you do?
I'm John Gustafson.
Yes, I know.
When did you move into the Clickner's?
I'm sure you know that.
Since I got here you and Max Goldman...
...have been against the windows watching me like two Garfield cats.
Like people stick to their car windows.
The little suction cups they have....
Squirrels.
Been watching squirrels.
One's been making a nest under your eaves.
Sure, John.
Here's your mail.
There's nothing addressed to a Mrs.
Gustafson.
By the state of your bathroom I presume you're a bachelor.
Gay or straight?
Heterosexual or h*m*?
Jeez Louise....
It's a legitimate question.
Maybe in California but not here in Minnesota.
Have I upset you?
It's the middle of the night and I don't know what-- Do you want me to leave?
No...yes.
It was very nice meeting you, John Gustafson.
And now that we know each other, don't be a stranger.
Oh, and John...
...king's rook to queen's bishop three.
Don't ring that up yet.
I need something for my lumbago.
It's k*lling me.
It's k*lling you my ass.
He wouldn't know the meaning of the word "pain".
I got a pinched sciatica make your lumbago look like eyestrain.
Pain.
He wants to talk about pain.
I had a gallstone big as a baseball.
Gallstones are for pussies.
When I had shingles did you see me complain to Phil?
-Did you?
-Shingles schmingles.
When I had my ulcers....
...I was...
...farting razor blades.
Oh, you must be Max Goldman.
I'm your new neighbor.
Pleasure.
Isn't it a peach of a day?
Here's something for you.
It was left at my house by accident.
Some of your mail.
Sorry.
Have my herbal therapy oils arrived yet?
This morning.
Special delivery from...
...California.
Wonderful!
Ah, yes, there's nothing like the scent of...
...fresh tea tree...
...just soaking into your pores.
Don't you agree?
Uh, lovely.
It was a pleasure meeting you and I'm sure we'II...
...be seeing a lot of one another.
Good-bye, gentlemen.
Holy moly!
Now wait.
You got all four wheels on the track?
All right.
Careful, fellas.
Be careful.
That's over 100 years old.
Thing might collapse.
Hi, sweetheart.
How are you?
-Granddaddy's little girl.
-What's going on?
I'm getting rid of that.
It's just firewood.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't play it much.
It sits around collecting dust.
You love that piano.
Granddaddy's got a surprise for you in the house, pumpkin.
A little C-A-N-D-Y.
It won't k*ll her.
Which one?
Which hand?
This one?
That's the one.
There you are, sweetpea.
-How 'bout that?
Here.
-Dad.
Is something wrong?
No, no.
Nothing's wrong at all.
With me, uh....
How do I...?
-People are asking about you.
-I know.
Yeah, I keep telling them that you and Mike are...
...doing just fine.
It's just a lot of gum-flapping.
Mike and I aren't fine.
That's what I thought.
We're separating for a while.
Honey, marriage isn't easy.
You have to work at it.
It's hard to work at it when he's never there.
Sounds familiar.
Mother wondered where I was for 20 years.
You really think I wanted two jobs?
I didn't do that for me.
I was...
...doing it for you, Brian and Mother.
Dad, this isn't about you.
It's about me and Mike.
I'm sorry.
I keep....
I'm sorry.
I love you so much.
Well, whatever you and Mike decide is....
I never liked him anyway.
Who is that?
I don't know.
She seems to know you.
Well....
Does she always do that?
I don't know.
This is great!
We hope you enjoyed our feature presentation.
Now stay tuned for tonight's $6.4 million...
...jackpot on Powerball.
Followed by local news.
Out of the way.
Come on, baby.
I've got to win a million bucks.
Jacob, you got my vote!
That's great.
Come on in.
Have a little TV dinner.
Lasagna's heating up now.
No time.
I had to give you this for the yard.
I have to deliver a lot.
Just have one drink.
I can't.
Sorry.
I'll call you.
No, close the door.
Come in.
Wait a minute.
Give me a minute.
$6.4 million is our estimated jackpot.
You could be a millionaire.
To win the jackpot, correctly match five white balls and the red powerball.
Our first number is a-- What's going on?
Number four.
Remember, to win the jackpot, match five white balls...
...and the red powerball.
Come on!
Schmuck doesn't know anything.
A...25....
There's just one more white ball and here it is....
Jesus Christ!
Goldman.
It's Goldman.
You're a child.
Don't tell me.
It isn't me.
Oh, it never is.
John started every fight since 1940.
'Thirty-Eight.
It's ridiculous.
Come here and apologize.
-Come here!
-I'm not apologizing to anybody!
You're letting the cold air in.
Take that, you criminal.
I don't believe it.
That old trick?
This is between me and your father.
There's no need for you to get involved.
I don't say anything on one condition.
Put one of these in your yard.
I'd be proud to.
Hey, not one word to your old man, remember?
Have fun, Johnny.
Hey, dickhead, you win the Lottery?
Enjoy your shower, smart ass?
Got to use hot water, you schmuck.
You'll never get me.
See you later.
Up yours, Gustafson!
What the hell is that smell?
Watch it, bonehead.
Mrs.
Cusack said she came in here yesterday to buy some...
...candles and incense.
She's probably a member of one of them religious cults.
You say she's all alone?
What I heard.
She's available...
...and hot to trot.
Moron.
Putz.
We were talking about your new neighbor.
What?
My new neighbor?
Oh, yes, new neighbor.
She came over to see me last night.
What?
About 1 :30 in the morning.
Why would a woman come over at 1 :30 to see you?
Why do you think?
I'll have a six-pack.
Women...
...and fish, you can't catch either one of them, Gustafson.
I've laid more pipe in this town than Wabasha Plumbing.
You're going to go after her?
Oh, jeez.
God no.
She's too... she's too disturbed for me.
-For you, maybe.
-I won't have anything to do with her.
Women fall too hard for me.
They get obsessed with me.
It's like one of them "Fatal Attraction" things...
...that they show on the Donahue Show, you know.
You guys are the biggest bullshitters in this...
...entire frozen nation!
You're just plain chicken.
Both of you.
A beautiful woman just sitting there...
...20 feet from your front yards, and you're trying...
...to tell me you'd rather park...
...your wrinkly butts...
...on a frozen piece of ice, kissing up to buckets of fish bait!
Ha!
Gee, listen to Casanova.
Yeah, he's a regular Don Juan.
No wonder women "don juan" anything to do with you.
-That's it.
-That did it.
'Bye.
I'm out.
I am out.
Hey, Max, say hello to Jake for me.
Why don't you come over and have some turkey with us?
There's always plenty of bird with just Jacob and me.
You can spend next week in bed with ptomaine.
Come over to my place, Melanie cooks up a feast.
Thanks.
But you know those old boys at the V.F.W.
expect me every Thanksgiving.
Forget it.
'Bye, Chuck.
Moron.
Putz.
Tell me something.
Do I stink?
Not you, smart ass.
Didn't ask you!
I could smell it in the car.
This stink!
Is it me?
Damn!
What the hell is that?
For Christ's sake.
Gustafson.
You schmuck!
Disgrace the way they coach that team.
Stay there.
Stay there, you bastard.
-How are you, Punky?
-Hey, buttercup.
Give me two packs of Camels and a cup of your special coffee, love-muffin.
You should smoke filter cigarettes.
Yeah, well, I'm 94 years old.
What the hell do I care?
Thank you, dear.
Max is here.
Come on, love-muffin.
Thanks.
You're always there to save me.
Yeah, right.
When Billy Gerber locked me in the tree house...
...you were my knight in shining armor.
And I got a black eye for my effort.
There you go.
I always knew, you know.
Knew what?
That you liked me since sixth grade.
You watched me with your dad's binoculars.
What?
You never wondered why my curtains were open just enough?
I thought I was lucky.
I just did it to t*rture you.
Well you succeeded wonderfully.
How come you never asked me out?
Hey, Mel!
Hi, Jakie!
Mel, is the turkey supposed to be smoking?
Oh, I better run.
Happy Thanksgiving!
How are you?
Good.
They're getting a divorce.
Mel and Mike are divorcing.
They call it a separation but it's a divorce.
I'm sorry to hear that.
So, are you seeing anyone special?
No, I guess not.
Nobody serious.
What do you know?
We got a new neighbor, you hear?
Everyone in town is talking about her.
She hasn't been out since 11 :20.
What, are you clocking her?
She keeps odd hours.
Very interesting woman.
Sounds like a wacko to me.
I haven't had sex for 15 years.
Could I have some?
That was plenty.
Give Jakie some leftovers to take home.
He'll have his own.
That pre-cooked stuff his old man gets?
That tastes like cardboard.
Why don't you go and talk to her?
Talk to who?
You spent half the meal staring out the window.
Squirrels.
The squirrels on her roof.
That's what I was staring at.
You're a handsome guy with a nice house, a good pension.
You got a lot to offer.
Well, I got something to offer her.
I got zip to offer her.
I can't tell if this is done!
Do you know how many minutes this needs to cook?
Getting hungry.
Sure be nice to have some turkey.
Remember the turkey your mother used to make?
Damn, she was a good cook.
You remember the stuffing?
The best.
How about those potato latkes?
You said Chuck was at the V.F.W.
He is.
I don't think so.
What are you talking about?
Looks like he's making a house call.
What?
What the-- Hell is he doing there?
He's going to do it.
So?
What?
What is he doing in that crazy....
-Son of a...
-Jealous?
He's in.
He's in.
He's in.
Looks like Chuck's taking old one-eye to the optometrist.
Oh, Jeez, Dad.
What?
Chuck, where are you?
Hello, fellas.
Some game last night!
Double overtime.
-Blackhawks were K*llers, weren't they?
-Did you catch the game?
Oh, sure.
You were with the guys at the V.F.W.
Yeah, how was the turkey at the V.F.W.
this year, Chuckie?
The turkey this year...
...was delicious.
Come on!
We saw you!
What'd you do?
-What's it like in there?
-What'd she say?
Fellas!
Some experiences in life are too rich...
...and too beautiful to put into words.
What does that mean exactly?
Could have been either of you if you just had the guts to ask.
-You and she?
-I'm not talking about sex, dummies.
Of course not.
Oh, I get it.
Your old pal failed you, Chuck?
Couldn't rise to the occasion?
Yes, the spirit was willing-- But the flesh was....
Weak.
If it wasn't sex, what was it?
It was an awakening.
Ariel reminded me that I was alive.
That I was a man full of energy, love and passion.
It was like being young again.
If only for a moment.
Couldn't get it up, huh?
Get out of here, both of you.
Yeah, I'll see you.
So long.
Hey, boys.
That's not just a woman living across your street.
She's an angel.
Angel, right.
Take it easy.
See you.
Holy moly!
Look at all the crap you....
Excuse me.
The stuff you got here.
Well, it's my inspiration.
You did?
You're an artist?
I try.
I used to teach courses in Expressionism at Berkeley.
But now I'm back to the classics of literature.
Berkeley, that explains it.
Oh, my God!
What?!
Your TV.
It's got no guts.
I took them out.
How could you do that to a '54 Super Zenith?
This TV is a classic.
I could fix it for you if you wanted me to.
That's what I used to do.
I was a TV repairman.
That's so sweet, Max, but...
...I think it works quite well...
...just the way it is.
How the hell does she see any shows?
Holy moly!
You met Ernest.
Who?
The model was my husband.
He sure wasn't pleased about modeling in the nude.
Took quite a bit of prompting.
I must say.
He's...?
Passed on.
Five years ago.
Would you like some coffee?
Cream and sugar?
You moved around a lot the last few years.
Yes, I think it's exciting to experience new things...
...new places, and meet new people.
Like you.
Do you paint?
Paint?
Me?
Sure do.
I paint the shed every spring.
-You get it?
-I get it.
I mean, you know...
...pictures, paintings.
What for?
Everyone needs some form of...
...release.
I fish.
Fish?
Fish?
Oh.
Yeah.
Fish.
I can see the beauty in that.
You can?
Miss Truax...
...would you honor me by accompanying me to my ice shanty tomorrow?
I'd be honored.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Be careful!
"We're having a heat wave A tropical heat wave" "We're having a heat wave" -I can't hold it!
-Reel him in!
-I can't hold him, Max.
-Work him!
-I am trying!
I can't hold it!
-Reel it in!
-I'm trying but I can't!
-Okay, give me the pole.
Hold on!
Not on your life!
Pull it!
You got to pull it!
No, don't pull too hard!
That's it.
Morning, John.
Morning, Punky.
I almost lost him.
Oh, Max, he's just magnificent.
He's a record breaker!
About three feet!
I can see the beauty in this now.
-Can you see it?
-Yes, the lure.
No, the fight.
Wait till I show the guys.
The catch!
And then the release.
What?
There's no release.
Ah, yes, it's beautiful.
No, what's beautiful is this monster on my wall stuffed!
There can be no stuffing.
This is a live creature.
Full of courage and life.
Nobody'll believe me.
I need a camera.
-I hear the water calling it back.
-Where is it?
-Here we go!
-Wait!
Calling!
Here!
Hold it!
Hey!
Just finishing breakfast.
So I see.
Colder than a witch's titty out there.
Where did you get this?
I snagged it about an hour ago.
The only damn thing I caught all day.
Chuck, guess what Pop found?!
Chuck, you forgot to unlock the back door, you dummy.
Isn't it wonderful to have a little adventure every day?
You're one hell of a fisherman, Ariel.
I learned from the best.
Hope you didn't mind putting them back.
That's okay.
Gustafson does the same thing.
He just keeps the ones he eats.
That's what he says.
I think he never catches them.
I think we're going to be great friends.
Oh, friends.
Friends is good.
That's good, isn't it?
How about some supper tonight?
After your class, I mean.
Oh, thank you so much, but I already have made plans.
I'm sorry.
I'll take a rain check.
That's a deal.
Until we meet again, my dear Ariel.
Good-bye.
Watch out!
Don't slip!
Well, Gustafson, looks like the best man won.
Yeah, you always were a lousy loser.
He's dead.
What?
Who?
Chuck!
Chuck?
How?
Last night in his sleep.
His sleep.
Lucky bastard.
You might have known if you hadn't been out with that minx.
Hey, it ain't my fault.
Chuck was my friend too!
You call yourself a friend, bastard!
Watch your mouth, you dumb Swede.
Don't tell me what to do!
Big man with the axe in your hand.
Axe?
You want to clock me?
You think you can take me?
Come on!
All right.
1937 at Todd Field...
...I kicked your ass after football practice when you stole my liniment.
-I kicked your ass and I'll do it again!
-Bullshit!
Give it your best sh*t, shrimp.
It's not worth it.
Get out of there!
Damn!
He has the intelligence quotient of a newt.
Shrimp thinks he can get funny with me.
Left hook...
...right cross...
...and dump him.
I'm going to k*ll him.
g*dd*mn you, Goldman, you-- I'm Elliot Snyder of the I.R.S.
I'm asking you to come to my office.
I was wondering where you were.
I was...I had a little business.
I hope it went all right.
What are you doing?!
Cooking.
Wait, I can't have anything spicy.
If it's too exciting, I'm up all night.
Good.
I'm making Szechuan.
From the moment I saw you, I could feel that we had the same kind of aura.
That we shared something special.
Teaching.
Thirty-nine years, I taught American History at Wabasha High.
History, it's so romantic.
Great dental plan.
The ideas you gave those young minds.
Kids think they know it all, right?
Once in a while you reach one.
You touch them somehow.
I did that once.
Really?
It was my New Deal lecture.
I touched a kid on his head while he was snoring.
You're so bad.
You know...
...Chuck, he....
I know.
We can be thankful that we had the privilege of knowing him...
...while he was here.
To Chuck.
Yes, to Chuck.
Thank you, John.
It was a wonderful evening.
Thank you, Ariel.
Pop?
-What?
-You think I should call her?
-What?
-The woman.
Well, let me tell you something, John.
The first 90 years, or so...
...go by pretty fast.
What?
The first 90 years go by fast.
How would you know?
You're just a damn kid.
I didn't say it, you did.
Well, they do.
They do go fast.
Then one day you wake up.
And you realize...
...that you're not 81 anymore.
You begin to count the minutes rather than the days...
...and you realize that pretty soon you'll be gone.
And that all you have, see, is the experiences.
That's all there is.
Everything!
The experiences!
You mount the woman, son.
Or else...
...send her out to me.
I happened to come by these two tickets for the Gopher game and....
Ever play much ice hockey?
We had an appointment!
There she is.
Wabasha.
It is just beautiful.
Yeah, from up here...
I used to camp up here when I was a kid.
What are you thinking?
Oh, I'm sorry.
The snow...
...reminds me of the last Christmas with my husband.
Are you all right?
Yes, an angel.
What?
I'm making a snow angel.
I remember.
Do you believe in angels?
They're all around us.
You've got to look hard, but...
...they're there...
...whenever anything good happens to us.
I think I see one.
I'll have you mated in three moves.
Shouldn't we get to know each other a little better first?
You have a wonderful smile.
You should wear it more often.
I bring it out on special occasions.
Tell me who's this?
-What?
-Over here.
That's my dad.
That's Pop.
This handsome guy, you know him, right?
My daughter Melanie and her mother, and Melanie and her husband, Mike.
She's beautiful.
Who are these people here?
Ah, that little girl is Alexandra, my granddaughter.
And my son, Brian.
He's so handsome.
Lost him in Vietnam.
-I'm so sorry.
-It's all right.
It's okay.
These little guys.
That's me and the moron.
Of course it's Max.
He's ugly isn't he?
You mean you were friends?
I was 10, and didn't know any better.
What makes two men spend most of their lives fighting?
Guess.
A woman.
How romantic.
No, it wasn't romantic at all.
Well....
What did I know?
I was just a kid.
Which I am not anymore.
I think it's kind of late.
It's time for bed.
God, you are dumb, dumb, dumb.
Ariel, I'm sorry that-- I thought you said-- I said it's time for bed.
Well, wait, what about....
-What?
-Well, you've been seeing....
Max?
He's just my friend.
The last man I slept with was my husband.
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
I'm not prepared.
These days they say you have to do safe sex.
When was the last time you made love?
October...fourth....
...1978.
Oh, I think we're safe.
Good morning.
Are those for me?
Oh, they're just beautiful.
Thank you.
They're for you.
I got them for you.
Thank you.
How sweet!
That's....
Got them for you.
Snake in the grass!
Burn, baby, burn.
Holy sh*t!
Max!
Stop the car, you idiot!
Look out!
Look out!
Max, you've really lost it!
Dirty little bastard!
He belongs in a rubber room.
I fixed your fishing pole!
Who cares about a damn fishing pole?
You can shove that pole!
You think a lousy old pole is going to replace her?
Are you crazy?
Don't egg him on!
Leave him alone.
We'll settle this thing.
Cut it out!
Shrimp, you're not going anywhere!
Come on!
You broke my nose, schmuck.
I did not.
Look at that!
What the hell has gotten into you?
You stole her!
What?
She's mine.
-Says who?
-Says me.
She came to me!
You're stealing her away, just like May.
Could I remind you, Einstein, May was no prize.
She was to me.
I was married to the woman 20 years.
She was no prize!
She was to me!
Moron!
If you'd ended up with May, you wouldn't have had Amy, who was a good woman.
-She was the best.
-And more loyal than May ever was!
So!
So what?
Well, did you?
You know!
That's a private matter.
Private, my foot.
Did you?
-I can't say.
-Tell me.
Okay, we did the horizontal mambo!
We danced it.
It was the greatest sex I ever had in my life.
Are you happy?
I'll k*ll you!
Dirty rat!
Drop that fish!
Don't make me have to separate you two again!
Now go to your shanties, all of you!
You're scaring the fish away!
Damn kids!
Kids!
You can't live with them, can't sh**t them.
Now go on!
How you going to take care of her, Gustafson?
How are you going to support her...
...when the I.R.S. takes your house?
I can't wait around for another Amy.
I ain't got time.
This time you win.
If you won't keep our date, I'll bring the date to you.
You promised to come over and give me the New Deal lecture....
-So like a good student-- -What's that?
A gift.
You inspired it.
I can't accept it.
Why not?
It might be a good idea if we didn't see each other.
For a while.
And, well, give each of us a chance to be alone and....
But I thought....
g*dd*mn it.
In the first place, I'm too old for you.
Okay?
I don't like...
...you coming over here.
I don't like you hanging around here all day long!
I'm not afraid to be alone like you.
I am not afraid to be alone!
I just prefer...
...to experience things...
...and not watch them on television or out the windows like you do.
Don't you understand?
I like being alone!
I understand.
I understand completely.
You know nothing about me.
I do too!
I know the only things in life that you regret are the risks you don't take.
But you wouldn't understand that.
Because you're too pig-headed.
Merry Christmas.
Congratulations on the election.
That's old news.
Where've you been?
I had all this stuff that I had to get taken care of.
Melanie said she's going to come by tonight.
For Christmas Eve.
Around 9:00.
Why don't you drop over?
I'll do that.
This neighborhood will be a lot safer without that snowmobile around.
-Hi, Jacob.
-Hello, putz.
Merry Christmas, John.
Your cat crapped on my steps again.
Who says you can't train a cat?
It's a warning.
If it happens again I'll punch you in the nose.
He started it.
Where's Santa's favorite little girl?
Merry Christmas, Dad.
What, no twinkle lights?
I forgot about them this year.
Be polite.
Merry Christmas.
Can I put Allie in your bed?
Sure.
Come on, bedtime.
Say good night to grandpa.
How've you been?
Lousy.
Thought you two were getting a divorce.
Actually, it's only a separation.
I had to work some things out for myself before we could work on us.
Did you get it worked out?
As far as I can tell.
That's great, Mike.
Maybe the rest of us should put our lives on hold for the next...
...two weeks while you fill up with enough booze to make up your mind.
You know...
...I need a beer.
Grab a beer.
It's in the fridge.
-What's wrong?
-I don't know.
Grab me one too!
Dad, try and understand...
...he says he's all straightened out.
What do I know?
I'm 68 years old!
I got no house, no wife, no pension!
What are you saying?
I don't know one damn thing, but I know this: The only thing in this life that you regret are the risks you didn't take.
If you see a chance to be happy...
...grab it with both hands and to hell with the consequences.
I can't find a bottle opener.
Sweetheart, I'm going to walk down to Slippery's.
What?
Hey, Jakey.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Is this a bad time?
I'm sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with him.
He just exploded.
You want me to go after him?
He'll cool off down at Slippery's.
Come on in.
What's that?
This is broccoli.
Pop didn't have mistletoe.
Hey, Mike.
You're next big guy.
Hi, stinky.
I just came by to wish you all a Merry Christmas.
That was sweet, Jacob.
Wasn't that sweet, Mike?
Sweet...and short.
Good to see you, Mike!
Could I ask you a favor?
Sure.
Could you have a word with your dad?
See if they can't make up for Christmas.
Sure.
Absolutely.
That would be great.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Over to Gustafson's?
Melanie there?
She look good?
Very.
She also looks to still be married.
What?
Mike's back?!
Looks that way.
Melanie said that John...
...just exploded and walked out.
So?
So what's going on?
Nothing that shouldn't have happened years ago.
He tried to steal her away from me, but I won.
Could you at least talk to him?
My door is open.
He knows where to find me.
He started it.
I don't care who started it, you're going to end it.
I don't like him!
I never liked him!
It's Christmas, Pop.
You could go down to Slippery's and make peace with the man.
I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.
This 1500-pound moose is the real thing, folks.
Reared by local volunteer firefighter, Peter Carlson, of Wabasha.
He found it injured while hunting, brought it home...
...and raised it in his home.
Merry Christmas.
Moron.
Putz.
Jacob says Mike and Melanie are getting back together.
He doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground.
They're divorcing.
I got some things I wanted to tell you.
The reason I came down here tonight is-- I wanted to tell-- Hurry!
I haven't got all night.
-Don't shout!
-I'm not.
Bust my tuchus to come here and thank you and all you do is shout at me.
To thank me?
All right, I take it back.
I don't thank you.
Jesus, it's impossible!
Look, Goldman....
I want to ask you something.
Well, what?
I ain't got all night either.
I'm just as busy as you are.
Do you love her?
Do I love her?
What does that have to do with anything?
It would make the whole thing worthwhile.
You know something, I think you've lost whatever marbles you ever had.
Do you think you walked on coals for me?
Gave me back my fishing pole and I said, "Thank you".
Fishing pole?
Pisses me off you broke it but, schmuck that you are...
...I got to be realistic.
-What's so funny?
-You think this is about that pole?
-What's it about?
-Forget it.
What do you mean forget it?
I want to know.
You really want to know?
What about her?
You made me feel sorry for you.
She chose me!
She did!
And if anyone says otherwise they're a damn liar!
What's the difference?
You got her anyway.
What are you looking at?
Stupid moron!
Stupid idiot!
It makes a difference, damn it!
Dirty rat.
Little turd.
Oh, my God!
Are you dead?
Not yet.
But I don't want to die looking at your ugly face.
Stay there!
Stay there!
Wait a minute.
I'll be right back!
Help!
We need a-- It's an emergency!
Emergency!
We need an ambulance!
Somebody dial "911".
Could you tell me-- Oh, nurse...nurse.
Nurse, could you tell me where Mr.
John Gustafson is?
Are you friend or family?
What?
Are you friend or family, sir?
Friend.
Merry Christmas, John.
You putz.
Well, you'd better have a good reason for standing me up this morning.
What's wrong?
Can I come in?
Sure.
I know you wanted to get rid of me, but isn't this a little drastic?
My husband passed away at Easter.
If you leave me at Christmas, I won't have any holidays to look forward to.
Except maybe...
...Thanksgiving, and...
...I really...
...I'm not crazy about turkey.
So, what do you say?
Let's go.
All right.
Okay, I can wait.
He could be dead tomorrow!
I'm sorry your friend is sick...
...but the court order is in and my hands are tied.
Check the bedroom.
File the paperwork.
He's straight as a grizzly's d*ck!
He'd never cheat on his taxes!
It's not a matter of cheating!
It's a matter of miscalculation.
He got health benefits for 20 years while claiming as a married man.
However, he omitted to inform us that...
...his ex-wife had a part-time job for 1 1 of those 20 years.
Had he done so, we'd have informed him...
...that, because of her income...
...a larger portion of those benefits were subject to federal taxes.
About $13,000.
He can raise that.
However....
...that amount when combined with...
...1 1 years worth of interest, late charges, and penalties...
...comes out at about $57,000.
Ballpark.
He'd never find that.
He will when we sell his house.
The furniture goes to the auction house.
Any paperwork, put in the back of my car, okay?
Beautiful day.
Do the world a favor and pull your lip over your head and swallow.
assh*le!
Bloodsuckers!
Max what's going on?
Anyone looking?
No, why?
We got a problem.
-What is it?
-Somebody's barricaded the doors.
Wait a minute.
What?
Break in the door!
Watch this.
We'll see about this.
This isn't going to stop me, Mr.
Goldman.
I got him right where I want him.
Got it, just like you said.
You don't understand.
I can handle it.
I'm Jacob Goldman, mayor of Wabasha.
I have a 30-day cease-and-desist order.
You can't touch this house.
Very well.
You look great.
Thanks, so do you.
I mean it.
People always try to be nice by saying you look great but...
...you really do look great.
I feel good.
How are you?
I'm good, Jacob.
Listen, I'm sorry about the....
Divorce.
Thanks.
I'm just glad it's over and done with.
You must be.
Ready for this?
No, not really.
Listen, if you need someone to talk to tonight...
...I'm staying at Pop's.
Thanks, Jacob.
I'd like that.
Hey, you two!
Get your asses in here!
I guess it's time.
Where have you been?
Relax.
You nervous?
The groom is nervous.
-I'm not nervous, schmuck.
-Don't call me schmuck, putz.
You're in a church!
Wait!
Ain't you forgetting something?!
That'll do it.
That'll do it, Dad!
I think that'll do it!
Okay, here we go!
You're the greatest.
-I love you.
-Good-bye, pumpkin.
Here's the house.
Jacob paid the penalties and interest.
I paid the 13 grand.
Wipe the smile off your face, it's just a loan.
I'll lay eight-to-five you can't get it up the entire honeymoon.
You're on.
A sure winner.
You smell something?
What is that?
That dirty son of a-- What a putz!
What do you feel like tonight, Leno or Letterman?
Tell me about it in the morning.
Where are you going?
The Daughters of the American Revolution are having a dance at the V.F.W.
Maybe I'll get lucky.
Don't wait up for me.
What have you got there?
Broccoli.
Holy moly!
He's in.
He's in!
Looks like he's going to enter the holy of holies.
Coitus uninterruptus.
I throw back what I'm not going to eat.
Like that 40-pound muskie you're always yakking about?
It's a shame that...
...that your uncle has a fish market on 23rd Street and 14th Avenue.
Twenty-sixth.
Twenty-sixth Street, you dummy!
You schmuck!
Yeah.
It looks like Chuck's slipping her the old salami.
Oh, Jesus, Dad!
I'm Ronald Reagan.
I used to be President of the United States.
-I live across the street.
-Yes, come in.
I was also in the movies.
I was a lousy actor.
Looks like Chuck's going to put the hot dog in the bun.
Oh, jeez, Dad!
That's why I came down.
-Spit it out!
-Don't shout at me!
I'm not!
Bust my tuchus to get here on New Year's Eve...
...or on Christmas, or whatever the-- Looks like Chuck's...
...a tomcat on the prowl.
My pinched sciatica would make your lumbago look like eyestrain.
Is it?
Does he?
Would he?
Is he-- Yes, he is.
Looks like Chuck is taking the old log to the beaver.
Looks like Chuck's going to bury his boner.
That's right, you're a moron!
If you hadn't had Amy-- It looks like Chuck is taking the skin boat to tuna town.
Looks like Chuck is taking the ride on the wild baloney pony.
Who left?
If I knew there was a nude scene, I'd have asked for another million.
Grumpy Old Men (1993)
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