10x01 - We Few, We Lucky Few, We Band of Gallaghers!

[bunniefuu]

No, no, fucker, no!

f*ck no!

I am not telling you what happened last season on "Shameless"!

Yeah!

Yeah No!

Not without me, Frank, you m*therf*cker!

[Frank]

Put me down.

Put me down.

No more!

Ah!

Ooh.

[Fiona]

How long did the doctor say you were gonna be like this?

[Frank]

Three to six months.

- I think I might be gay.

- Where is this coming from?

Is this because you're a welder now?

[Debbie]

No, I've just been feeling ways that I've never felt before.

Is Liam back from church yet?

- [Todd]

Yeah.

- [Debbie]

Where is he?

- [Todd]

In his room.

- [Debbie]

His room?

Yeah, I've noticed that you're black.

- Your point?

- That you have never made any attempt to surround me with my own cultural and racial heritage.

- [Debbie]

What's this?

- [Liam]

My list of demands.

Once agreed upon, I'll consider coming home.

[Carl]

I didn't make it past the first round of cuts for West Point.

[Debbie]

You're going back to school.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, Carl.

I'm a loser, Debbie.

So are you done being a p*ssy and ready to get back to being the man that I love?

[Tami]

Oh, sh*t.

You guys invited Jabby?

I was hoping you'd be here.

I've having a lot of really great sex recently.

Let's go bang one out, get my average back in the shitter where it belongs.

Yeah, you know, I could use some fresh puke on my shoes, so that'd be good.

- I'm pregnant.

- You sure it's mine?

Yeah, I'm sure it's yours.

[Lip]

If you decide to have this baby, I wanna make damn sure it has a father.

[Kev]

Anybody order a hot piece of ass?

[upbeat music playing]

Feast your eyes, boys.

You can look, but you can't touch.

Is that Jesus?

And I'm thinking maybe it's time for me to go.

- You should go.

- What?

You should get the f*ck out.

You deserve it.

You should go as far away as you can.

A check for $50,000.

"Love you.

" Yeah, she does.

[upbeat music]

[rock music]

Think of all the luck you got Know that it's not for naught You were beaming once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of?

What is this feeling You're so sure of?

Round up the friends you got Know that they're not for naught You were willing once before But it's not like that anymore What is this downside That you speak of?

What is this feeling You're so sure of?

[phone ringing]

[train clacking]

[phone ringing continues]

[upbeat rock music]

[Tami]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[grunts]

I'm so wet.

I'm so very, very wet.

Um - One sec.

One sec.

- What?

- Okay.

- [grunts]

Yeah.

- Yeah.

- [grunts]

It slipped out again.

I slipped.

- Okay, hang on.

Let me get on top.

- All right.

[grunts]

- Careful, careful.

- Yeah.

Whew, okay.

[groaning]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, whoa, whoa, I just felt the baby kick.

Oh, focus.

Baby likes it.

Yeah.

[moans]

Really?

[Tami moaning]

[Tami]

Yeah, yeah, oh!

Is it really that hard to put your clothes down the chute?

[Tami moaning]

Come on!

Baby wants you to smack that ass.

[moaning]

[Debbie]

No, Liam, I have to pee!

- [Tami]

Oh, yes, yes!

- Oh.

Sorry, Sister Debbie.

Five after seven is my bathroom time, per the deal with me for me to come live in this cr*cker barrel.

[door slams]

I'm not your maid, people!

[laundry chute rumbling]

[Debbie]

Ooh.

[groans]

Ugh.

[Debbie]

Get your head out of the sink, Frank.

Where's your pants?

[Frank belches]

[groans]

[groaning]

[door thumps]

[Tami]

Has anyone seen my gas mask?

[Lip]

And my work boots?

[Debbie]

Anything left in the upstairs hallway can now be found in the backyard!

[Lip]

What?

Why?

'Cause the hallway is a public space, and all public spaces need to be kept clear of clutter to allow for safe egress in the event of fire.

All right.

Can you get out of the kitchen, Frank?

Hey, shoo.

- No pants, Frank.

- Hey, good morning, Debbie.

- Mwah.

- Hi.

Who are you supposed to be today?

Frederick Douglass.

[Debbie]

Liam, sausage and eggs.

Grab a plate.

I don't eat the white man's swine.

- Huh?

- Pork.

I like swine.

- Hey!

- Ouch.

[Debbie]

Only kids under 12 eat for free.

- Everybody else pays.

- [door slams]

Farhad's letting me borrow his car on Saturday - to go visit Ian.

- [Lip]

Oh, yeah?

[Debbie]

Yeah, if any of you guys want to tag along, Franny and I are gonna leave at 8 a. m.

sharp.

- [Lip]

Yeah, we're in.

- Me too.

[Debbie]

Cool.

Frank?

- What?

- [Debbie]

Down to visit Ian?

No one ran a load?

Okay, listen up, people.

For the last time, I'm not Fiona.

I've got my own kid to raise.

If you wanna do your laundry, do it yourself.

It's right there.

You don't want breakfast, Liam?

Fine.

- [Tami]

I gotta get to work.

- [Lip]

All right, you good?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Bye.

- [moans softly]

I love you so much.

- I miss you already.

- All right.

- I'll see you.

- Yeah.

Bye, family.

[Debbie]

Bye.

She have a serious head injury or something recently?

[Lip]

Ah, it's just the baby hormones making her nice.

- School?

- Yep.

[Lip]

All right, let's go.

[percussive rock music]

[Lip]

Bye, Debs.

See ya, Franny.

[Debbie]

Bye.

Hey!

Hey!

[motorcycle engine rumbling]

[officer]

Gallagher, get your ass up!

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na Na, na, na, na, na [Carl]

How long have I been in here?

[keys jingling]

Na, na, na, na, na, na - I'ma take ya - Na, na, na, na Clean yourself up.

You're graduating so we can kick you the hell out.

And when you're in my sights I'ma take ya Down like dynamite Turn it up Fahrenheit Time for you to say good-bye I'ma take you down like dynamite I'ma take you down like dynamite Dynamite [indistinct chatter]

- [militaristic drumming]

- [officer]

Attention!

Forward!

One, two!

Left, left, right, left.

Left, left, left, right, left.

[Veronica]

Your dashiki came!

Yeah, yesterday.

- Very handsome.

- Frederick Douglass breakfast?

sl*ve or freedom breakfast?

sl*ve breakfast from my new "sl*ve Quarters Cookbook," grits and okra.

Slaves ate okra?

That's what the book says: okra, weeds, roots, whatever we could grow or dig up behind sl*ve quarters.

Master only gave us a cup of cornmeal a day to live on.

Want some blackstrap molasses?

Sure.

What do you think of Chukwuemeka?

I wanna ditch my sl*ve name.

It means "God has done something great" in Igbo.

I like it.

God definitely did something great day you were born.

[Kev]

Mornin'.

[Veronica]

Mornin'.

Good morning, girls.

- [Amy]

Hi.

- [Jemma]

Hi, Daddy.

Don King, right?

- No, Frederick Douglass.

- Who?

[Veronica]

Author, orator, escaped sl*ve.

[Kev]

Oh, you two studying him in your "being black" class?

[Veronica]

Yep, we are up to the Civil w*r.

[Liam]

Reconstruction is next.

[Veronica]

Have to cover the Emancipation Proclamation and the defeat of the sl*ve-owning traitor Robert E.

Lee at the hands of black soldiers who fought and d*ed to save America for the white man.

[Kev]

I always thought Robert E.

Lee was some sort of great general.

r*cist shithead.

But don't he have statues?

[Veronica]

Statues all gotta come down.

- [Kev]

What the hell is that?

- [Veronica]

Chitlins.

- [Liam]

Chitlins?

- [Veronica]

Pig intestines.

Really?

[Veronica]

We gotta eat what our ancestors ate if we're gonna understand what they sacrificed for us.

All right, baby, I'm going to the park to sh**t some hoops.

I'll see you later at the Alibi.

Bye, girls.

See you later, Fred.

[funky upbeat music]

[door slams]

[Frank]

Why can't I get a couple of hundred bucks of my Fiona money now?

[Debbie]

Fiona didn't leave you any money, Frank.

She left money for the family, and she left it under my control because she knows I'm the only Gallagher that wouldn't waste it on frivolous, stupid things.

I've divided Fiona's $50,000 into three categories: 30,000 for essentials, 20,000 for savings.

Savings?

What the hell for?

We need a rainy day fund, Frank.

Anytime you're around, it's pouring.

After I take care of all of the essentials, whatever's left goes into the discretionary fund with money divided equally for each of us, you included, unfortunately.

- Doctors?

- Yep, and dentists.

What's wrong with the ER?

It's free.

The ER is not free, Frank.

You just don't pay your bills.

Garbage disposal, home repairs.

Taxes?

What's this 600 bucks you've already taken out of my nonexistent discretionary money?

600 bucks, new couch.

There's nothing wrong with our couch.

You spent the last six months dribbling your broken leg juices and piss all over it.

It's perfectly fine.

It's just The cushions need plumping, that's all.

Yeah, we're getting a new couch, and it's coming out of your share.

Oh, no, it is not.

Yeah, it is.

All right, I gotta go to work now, you know, that thing people do to make money to support their children.

You might want to wash those clothes.

You smell like a sushi restaurant dumpster on a hot day.

[spacey electronic music]

Turn the b*at up The homie hit me up To tear the b*at up Weak MCs, I see 'em like beef I'ma show my tail Then shred 'em on they own b*at [Kev]

Right here, here.

Here, here.

Like everybody owes me Doin' my dance Got all the girlies on me I'ma keep it solid while exposing all you phonies Bet you can't keep me down [all]

Oh!

Bet you don't believe me now Stand up, stand up, fight the fight Stand up, stand up, knock out lights Stand up, stand up [Lamar]

Don't give it to him.

[Kev]

I'm open.

Pass me the ball.

Here, here, here, here, here.

Stand up, stand up, fight the fight Stand up, stand up I got it.

I got it.

Stand up, stand up - [man]

Awesome, Pete.

- [Pete]

Thanks, man.

Stand up, stand up, and I don't back down Stand up, stand up, and you're goin' down Give me the ball, man.

Give me the ball.

Give me the ball!

Come on, man.

Get it how I live Take a sh*t of [] , get they dreams of getting rich Your boy come equipped with the genie, keep it lit Give me the damn ball, man.

Give me the rock.

I'm open.

Switch up the hits Got the haters bitter like unripe figs Never hold my tongue, I'ma tell you how it is Yo, yo, yo, yo, look up!

Look up!

Pass it!

Right here, here, here, here.

Like unripe figs Like unripe figs [all laughing]

[man]

Oh, man.

Morning, Gloria.

Anything governmental check-like in there?

Government hasn't figured out you're scamming our hard-earned taxpayer dollars yet, Frank?

I am a loyal citizen of this great republic, currently unemployed due to endemic ageism and disruptive technologies reordering everything in our new gig economy.

Fiona, Fiona.

Fiona, Fiona, Fiona.

Fiona.

You should thank me for continuing to pay your inflated civil service wages while the Silicon Valley eggheads program the drones that will make your antiquated job obsolete.

[upbeat funky music]

[keys jingling]

[sighs]

Here we go.

[inhales]

[sighs]

Don't look at me like that.

I've got a system.

It's all going back.

Nordstrom's is blue, Marshalls is pink, Bloomie's is purple, Chanel is orange, Gucci's black, and Prada is yellow.

I deserve to feel special.

What should I wear under my Carhartts today, La Perla or Victoria's Secret?

Victoria's Secret.

Victoria's Secret it is.

[upbeat percussive music]

Who you supposed to be today?

Frederick Douglass.

In a dashiki?

Douglass was from Senegambia.

Dude, it's not a real place.

You gotta chill out with that sh*t.

You look like "Coming to America.

" Most people aren't as ignorant as you.

They'll appreciate this.

We going or not?

Okay.

I'm not walking next to you dressed like that.

[Lip]

She wants to have sex all the time.

All right, three times last night and again this morning.

No hemorrhoids or problems with the mucus plug?

What's a mucus plug?

You'd know if you'd had a problem with it.

You know, I never thought I'd be complaining about having this much sex.

Enjoy it while you can.

Cami didn't want me to touch her for months after Miles was born.

Oh, that's the thing, she's so f*cking nice to me all the time.

You know, it's all honey, sweetie.

She called me boo this morning.

I mean, it's "alien abduction movie" creepy.

- I don't like it.

- It won't last.

Once the baby's born, with the sleep deprivation, the postpartum craziness, and Tami being kind of a bitch, it's gonna be a rough ride, my friend.

Is that valves?

Hmm, and rings.

Cami's making a list of stuff she thinks you still need to buy before your baby gets here.

Oh, come on, man.

Really?

Wha what about all the sh*t we got at the baby shower?

The expensive stuff nobody around here can afford to give at a shower.

It's a fancy breast pump, baby video monitor that connects to your phone, some Scandinavian car seat-stroller combo thing.

I grew up around a ton of kids.

I never had any of that sh*t.

You know, Frank wouldn't even buy us diapers half the time.

He'd tape garbage bags around us, hose us off in the backyard before bedtime.

Really?

No, but close.

[phone ringing]

[woman]

It's on a different floor.

One moment, please.

I'll transfer you.

[elevator dings]

[indistinct chatter]

[knock on door]

How you feeling, Frank?

Still in a lot of pain, Doc.

Really, after all this time?

I can barely sleep.

The pain is excruciating.

Oxycontin is the only thing making life bearable.

Hmm, well, let's take a look.

[screams]

Doc, please, careful.

I haven't touched you yet, Frank.

I think that kid surgeon, uh, musta severed some nerves or something.

How long's it been now, six months?

Five.

Five months of agony.

Well, congratulations.

You're healed.

You might experience some minor discomfort, but you can take care of that with some Advil.

Advil?

Yeah, or anything over the counter will do.

You're cutting me off?

Gotta err on the side of caution.

Oxycontin is highly addictive.

We wouldn't want you to become drug dependent.

Shouldn't you be titrating me down slowly like a half a dose for a year or two, - Maybe, um - Nope.

- Vicodin.

- No.

- Codeine.

- Not a chance.

So that's it.

You're just gonna let me suffer in silence.

Oh, I don't think you're gonna be silent, Frank.

You know, you may want to try to slip out the back on your way out.

The billing department put out a most-wanted deadbeats poster, and your picture is on it.

When the doctors in this dump start caring about their patients in pain, maybe some of us'll start paying our bills!

[upbeat dance music]

Well, sh*t.

[Jerome]

Hey, yo, African booty scratcher!

Yo, dashiki boy!

Yeah, you.

I'm talking to you, Mufasa.

- [all grunting]

- [boy]

Yo, kid!

[overlapping chatter]

I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.

You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit.

Maybe you just need to change up your game.

Has Brady slowed down?

No, he just won the Super Bowl last year.

Tiger Woods?

No.

He won the Masters.

Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.

Not to mention the performance-enhancing dr*gs.

[Tommy]

Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing dr*gs.

Uh-huh, sure he doesn't.

Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev.

Hell, I ran a 5.

2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.

Or touch your toes.

[chuckling]

Did you run a 5K?

Well, I didn't say I ran it.

There was some walking involved.

And an Uber.

[Tommy]

It's testosterone.

Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.

Really, one percent?

You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.

It's not me.

It's my shitty shoes.

[Tommy]

Your shoes?

Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons.

This is what I need right here.

[Tommy whistles]

$350?

[Kev]

Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.

That a shoe or a fat hooker?

[Veronica]

Absolutely not.

But, V, my old shoes are f*cking up my sh**ting rhythm.

It's not the shoes, honey.

You're just getting old.

You just said I wasn't getting old.

For $350, you old as sh*t, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.

Well, I'm still buying 'em.

- Not with our money, you're not.

- It's my money too.

We're on a budget, Kev.

What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?

All right, fine.

You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine.

Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.

[band playing militaristic music]

Stonewall Jackson Keogh.

[applause]

[band playing militaristic music]

George S.

Patton Lopez.

[applause]

[band playing militaristic music]

Carl Francis Hashish Gallagher.

- [smattering of applause]

- Yo, Gallagher!

You're a disgrace, Gallagher, a dark, putrid sh*t stain on the reputation of this institution.

I never, ever want to see your face again, not on my campus, not in my town, my state, and not ever in my army.

We clear, son?

Crystal, sir.

I've informed the Pentagon.

You're not going to be allowed the honor of dying for your country.

Thank you, sir.

[plodding rock music]

[claps]

Yeah, baby!

Yeah!

Don't leave us behind Don't lose your head This should really help with your arthritis pain, but beware of any dizziness.

It's a common side effect of Oxycontin.

Oh, I I didn't know that.

Well, uh, thank you so much, Bill.

Don't look to the right of me Me, me, me Me, me, me This is why I can't stop It won't stop, it won't stop Oh!

Goodness gracious, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, I'm sure it was my fault.

I am so clumsy these days.

No, no, it's this walker.

I just can't get used to using it.

I broke my hip.

- Your hip?

- Yeah.

Oh, that's what happened to my Danny.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Old age isn't for the faint of heart, is it?

When you're right, you're right.

- Yeah.

- You take care now.

Oh, you too.

Thanks.

Uh, sir?

Sir, uh, uh, you in the walker.

Sir?

I I I think you have my bag.

I can't stop Sir?

He's stealing my dr*gs!

Police!

Police!

Jesus.

- What the f*ck, assh*le?

- sh*t, what the f*ck?

Mikey?

Frank.

Jesus, Mikey, what [grunts]

What happened?

What happened to you?

Busted femur.

Bone poked out right through the skin.

Two ER nurses threw up when they saw it.

Oh, train.

I passed out on the Garfield L platform, then I fell onto the tracks, and then the train just came and took 'em clean off.

[Eleanor]

There he is.

That's him.

Uh, good seeing you, Mikey.

I gotta go.

- [guard]

All right.

- [Eleanor]

Go quick.

No, look, he's running away.

Go get him.

Go on, get him.

[siren wails]

[laughs]

Outstanding!

[upbeat rock music]

They're so f*cking disgusting.

They never do their own dishes.

They leave soaking wet towels on the floor after they shower.

There's dirty underwear everywhere.

You'd think it would k*ll them to clean their pubes out of the tub or or use the toilet brush after they take a sh*t.

And then they get mad at me if I don't buy the groceries or make dinner or do their laundry.

[sniffs]

Mmm, you smell nice.

You wearing that Lancôme again?

Chanel.

I got two spritzes left before I have to return it.

Nice.

Yeah, I like it, hints of jasmine and elderberry.

They're like blind baby boy pigs.

And why is it my job to take care of them?

I mean, just because they're boys and I'm girl.

You know, the Amazon women had the right idea: raise men in cages for reproduction, then sacrifice them to Aphrodite on a big vulva-shaped altar.

It is long past time women take over the world.

Men have been screwing everything up since Adam forced Eve to eat that damn apple.

Uh, I think the serpent made Eve eat the apple.

Yeah, well, what do you want to bet the serpent had a d*ck?

[scoffs]

[indistinct chatter]

[Kelly]

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks.

Oh, you made it.

I didn't see your family.

Are they here somewhere?

I didn't tell them I was graduating.

Why not?

I wasn't sure I was going to.

[Charlie]

Carl, Carl!

Um, Mom, Dad, this is Corporal Carl Gallagher, the only man who had the courage to stand up for me when I was assaulted.

Oh!

Mwah.

Bless you, Corporal.

Our Charlie couldn't have made it without you.

Corporal Gallagher stood up to eight cadets when they jumped me in the showers, waded in to help me with only a bar of soap, a bottle of conditioner, and and a flip-flop.

I would never have been able to come out as trans and begin hormone reassignment therapy if he hadn't been willing to put his body on the line so that I may live my gender truth.

[tearfully]

I will never forget you.

[whispers]

Thank you.

Did he just say he wants to be a girl?

I I I thought trans meant he was transferring in from another school.

Did I just spend six f*cking weeks in the brig because some dude wants to be a chick?

[pole squeaking]

[Andrew]

So you used to work here.

[Kev]

Yeah, a couple years ago.

Customers loved it when I danced to "I Want Your Sex.

" - George Michael.

- Yeah, and I do this fantastic little freeze thing with "Vogue," pop up here, Madonna.

How old are you?

30 [Andrew]

Come back at 6 and we'll see how it goes.

I'm short a dancer tonight because Donny's shingles flared up.

Thank you so much, man.

You will not be disappointed, I promise.

[pole squeaking]

Margi, hey.

What are we doing today?

You wanna do, uh, more pink highlights, or are we taking you back to your natural brunette?

Nordic white with honey streaks.

I'll give it a sh*t.

[sighs]

You know that mask's kind of freaky, right?

Yeah, well, it's better than Junior being born with flippers and a tail.

[sighs]

[Marji]

Jeff is definitely cheating on me.

But I'm not gonna confront him.

Think I'll just start sleeping around until I pick up a nasty STD, then give it to him so he can give it to her.

Serve the skank right.

You okay?

[Dakota]

Tami?

[Marji]

Should we call your doctor?

Ah, ah!

[groans]

- [Dakota]

Just breathe.

- [groans]

Ah!

- [Lip]

sh*t.

- [cell phone quacking]

Hey, can you get that for me?

[groans]

Lip's phone.

It's Tami.

Yeah, tell her I'll call her right back.

Can he call you back?

Uh, you're gonna wanna take this.

Why?

Why?

Hey.

[Mikey]

Yeah, so I've been doing a little bit of this and that.

I ran a pigeon drop scheme for a while.

[Frank]

Ah, people still falling for that old chestnut?

Yeah, a sucker born every minute.

What about you?

What you been up to?

I've been stuck on the couch recovering for months, both physically, my femur, and from a broken heart.

Unlucky in love?

- Kids.

- Oh.

My firstborn ran off.

And now my youngest daughter, the slutty one that had the baby in middle school, thinks she's in charge.

She's got her grubby, slutty hands all over the family purse strings, won't even cough up a few bucks for her old man to have a cold one after a long day of work.

You know, we sacrifice so much for our kids, and first chance they get, wham, bam, not even "thank you, Dad," you know?

I I nah.

Oh, oh, oh.

What you doing?

[light instrumental music playing]

[phone rings]

I thought we were going to your place.

What are we doing here?

Shopping for a little home furnishings.

Do me a favor.

Go hit that fire alarm down there, will ya?

What's in it for me?

What's in it for you?

How about [pills rattle]

a little Purdue party?

- Where's that alarm?

- By the elevator.

[whispers]

Yeah.

[upbeat rock music]

[alarm whoops]

[woman]

Please exit the building calmly, everyone.

No need for concern.

Right this way, just out the front doors, please.

[alarm whooping continues]

[man]

Probably just a false alarm.

Right out that door, sir.

[hard rock playing on radio]

They can't stop you from enlisting if you want to.

f*ck the m*llitary.

The army would be lucky to have you.

The army can kiss my ass.

Then join the navy with me.

Sail the seven seas.

See the world.

Wait, there's seven seas?

You would look so good in white bell-bottoms, little sailor hat.

Nobody looks good in bell-bottoms.

[rap music playing over radio]

I, uh, have some bad news.

Herpes?

The day after tomorrow, I have to report back to Annapolis for Plebe Summer.

Hell's that for?

Freshman officer training.

For how long?

Six weeks.

So we don't have a lot of time to fit it all in.

Fit what all in?

A summer's worth of sex.

48 condoms?

In 32 hours.

You up for the challenge, Gallagher?

Uh, yeah.

Then prove it, p*ssy.

[engine roars]

Yo, V, do we have any turmeric?

No.

What about spirulina?

What the hell's spirulina?

I have no idea, but it's supposed to boost my testosterone.

How much of that are you supposed to use?

[Kev]

One scoop, but I'm a pretty big guy.

[Tommy]

Jesus, Kev.

[laughs]

Holy sh*t.

[blender whirring]

Liam, your lip.

What the hell happened?

A lack of appreciation of our shared heritage from some of our less woke black brothers.

What's he drinking?

[Tommy]

Testosterone smoothie.

It's supposed to help him get his manly mojo back.

Can I have some?

- [Veronica]

No.

- Just a little bit?

[screams]

[grunting]

[head thumping]

You sure I can't get just a little bit of that?

Think it's real this time?

I'm not sure.

Did your water break?

No, but [groans]

Those are getting pretty close together.

Just shut the f*ck up and find a g*dd*mn parking spot!

She's back.

All right.

[gasps]

[sighs]

Oh.

Hey, all right.

Can you walk?

Can you walk?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Jesus, of course I can walk.

- [groans]

- Can you?

- Yea ah!

- Honey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Should you be squatting?

Yeah, did you call my sister?

No, Cami, no.

No, no, no.

Excuse me!

I told you, I don't want you in there staring down my cooch with a baby head popping out while I sh*t in a hospital bed.

All right, I'm gonna find you a wheelchair so you don't have the baby in the parking lot, all right?

[groaning]

[straining]

Ah, oh!

- [Kelly moaning]

- [door banging]

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Let's go.

Oh!

Whoo!

Whew.

[laughs]

[gasping]

[sighs]

Oh, yeah, let me tell ya [upbeat hip-hop music]

I've been livin' good I'm not gonna hold it back I'm gonna show ya - Who you texting?

- [text tone sounds]

Debbie, let her know we'll be home in a couple of hours.

How many condoms we have left?

- [phone swoops]

- Hmm.

Livin' real, real good We're only averaging one an hour?

I think we're gonna have to cut back on your recovery time.

I think we may need to stop for a case of Red Bulls and some Tiger Balm.

Mm, I have faith in you, Gallagher.

Ooh Mm.

[laughs]

[grinder whirring]

Real, real good Ooh - Battery.

- [cell phone chimes]

Let me show ya Ooh - [Farhad]

Who's that?

- [Debbie]

Kelly.

Her and Carl are almost home.

I thought your brother was in the army or something.

m*llitary school.

You excited to see him?

[flatly]

Yeah.

Weird, I I guess I kinda miss the little dickhead.

Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Real, real good Yeah, excuse me, um, uh, I don't really know all the answers to these questions.

Don't you have it on file somewhere?

Are you with Miss Tamietti?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Get your ass in here.

Whoa, whoa, um What, uh Wha what's going on?

Hey, is there something wrong or, um Put those on.

[indistinct chatter]

Sign this.

Wait, what is What is this?

Surgical consent.

Fetal distress.

We're performing an emergency C-section.

[man]

We have to get this baby out now.

[Tami]

No, no, no, no.

I'm not having a Cesarean.

I'm having my baby naturally.

[Fowler]

That's not going to happen, Tami.

- Sign it.

- I I I'm not really her Are you the father?

- Yeah, yes.

- Then sign it.

- [monitor beeps]

- Asphyxia.

- Uh - [Benyon]

Hold her hand.

[monitor beeping]

It's coming now.

It's all right.

- [monitor beeping quickly]

- [exhales]

[bass-heavy dance music playing]

[Clint]

Hey, you the guy taking Donny's place?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well, that's Donny's spot right there.

Hey, uh, do me a favor, would ya?

Rip my ass wax.

I can't reach back there with my arthritis.

You guys are dancers?

[chuckling]

Well, yeah.

I've been dancing on Daddy Night for ten years.

Great tips.

[Sam]

Hey.

You can borrow my Tom Selleck, if you want.

Millennials love it.

Okay, go ahead, yank it.

Don't be shy.

Oh!

[breathing heavily]

Oh, thanks.

[inhales]

Ah.

[upbeat hip-hop music playing on radio]

[springs squeaking]

[Kelly]

Oh, Carl!

[laughs]

[gasping]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

I I think the condom broke.

[gasps]

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, hold on.

I'm I I'll check.

No, no, I'll do it.

Drive, get out.

I'm ovulating.

Get out!

Drive!

Drive!

[gasping]

Okay, okay, okay.

- Aren't you gonna sit?

- Hell no.

Gotta keep your nasty little swimmers downstream.

- Go!

- Where?

Find a drugstore, and fast.

[engine turns over]

Nuh sh*t nuh haffi fiyah Every posse get flat Nuh sh*t nuh haffi fiyah Hey, get up on it, get, get [Frank]

27 for me.

[pills rattle]

One for you.

[whispers]

Hey.

And two for us to snort now.

You're a true friend, Frankie.

Don't I know it, Mikey.

[Kn*fe tapping]

All hail mighty Oxy, the Dom Pérignon of opiates.

Thank you, Mr.

Sackler.

You know, he'll never get the Nobel Prize But he should.

Yeah, Sackler should have his face carved on the Mount Rushmore of dr*gs.

[laughs]

Who else should be on that mountain?

Um Bob Marley.

Absolutely.

- Willie Nelson.

- Gotta have Willie.

- Willie.

- Keith Richards.

Keith, yes, Keith.

Of course.

Jimi.

OD'd, maybe not the best example.

- [sniffs]

- Nirvana.

Well, I loved their first album.

No, man, I'm talking about this moment: peace, heaven, enlightenment.

sh*t, you really are high.

- Hmm.

- [laughs]

[chuckles]

The four noble truths.

You lost me there, little little friend.

Yeah, dukkha, truth of suffering.

Not big on suffering.

Yeah, life is suffering.

We're born just to die.

[whispers]

Buddha.

You're kinda bumming me out.

Life's finite, Frank.

No one lives forever.

We're just dust waiting to return to our mother [whispers]

The Earth.

Oh, nice cushions, by the way.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

We did all right.

Yeah, we did.

We did good.

[murmuring]

- [woman]

Transfers.

- I want sushi.

Yeah?

Disneyland.

Anywhere.

[baby crying]

[woman]

It's a boy.

Did you know?

No no, no.

[baby crying]

[woman]

Check Apgar.

[indistinct chatter]

[baby squealing]

Apgar is seven.

Seven, that's good, right?

- [woman]

That's good.

- That's good.

Hey, hey, it's a boy.

It's a boy.

Yeah?

Yeah, Tami, Tami, you won't believe it.

He's so beautiful.

[baby crying]

What are you doing?

My friend Janis said this is what you do when a condom breaks.

Plan B, aisle two.

Monistat, aisle three.

Will there be anything else?

Nope, just the sperm k*ller and the pineapple Fanta, thanks.

Unless you have any samples of Viagra.

[woman]

Five-minute Apgar is nine.

- Good work, Dad.

- [Lip]

Thanks.

[Tami]

Lip?

Hey, hey.

He's doing great.

Lip?

Tami?

Everything okay?

[woman]

Weight 3.

3 kilos.

[alarm blaring]

What what's happening to her?

What's going on?

[Lewis]

Her BP is dropping.

- [Fowler]

She's hemorrhaging.

- Tami.

[Fowler]

Call surgery, tell them we're coming up.

- Tami?

- Tami!

[woman]

Sir, please step back.

[woman]

I'll go directly to the lab to drop off the sample.

[woman]

Let's go.

[man]

Make sure surgery has O-neg on hand.

[man]

I'll let them know.

Hey, do I go with her or No, no, you should stay here with your son.

[hard rock music]

Well, we got no choice [men whooping and cheering]

All the girls and boys Makin' all that noise [man]

Whoo-hoo!!

'Cause they found new toys Well, we can't salute ya Hey, Daddy.

Uh, do you wanna spank me?

I've been a really bad boy.

[man over PA]

Okay, thank you, sexy Uncle Sam.

Our next is new.

He's hot.

He's ripped.

He's the daddy you wish you had growing up.

Get your milk ready because here comes Captain Crunch!

[upbeat funk music playing]

[cheers and applause]

All my friends know the lowrider [all cheering]

The lowrider is a little higher [man wolf whistles]

[man]

Love it!

[all cheering]

[all]

Oh!

Lowrider drives a little slower The hell, Frank?

I already got a new couch.

It's getting delivered next week.

You cannot leave your drug paraphernalia laying around for Franny to find.

Is that my apron?

[Frank]

Mikey doesn't like to get kitchen smells on his clothes.

What are you doing on the floor?

Legs don't seem to wanna work.

[door thumps]

[Veronica]

Whoa, there's something you don't see every day.

Hey, how you doin'?

[Debbie]

Who is this, Frank?

[Frank]

Mikey O'Shea, follower of Buddha, seeker of the five truths.

Four.

[Frank]

Lover of dukkha and my best friend.

Am I still taking Franny tonight?

[Debbie]

Please.

I've got a deep-sea welding class.

That's a thing?

[Debbie]

Yeah, shipyards and oil platforms pay big dough for underwater welders.

Come on, beautiful girl.

Let's get you and the twins some dinner.

[Debbie]

Love you too, pumpkin.

[Veronica]

Joining us for dinner tonight, Kwame?

Chitlins involved?

Cheese pizza okay?

Harriet Tubman liked pizza?

That's the rumor.

Nice dashiki.

Where did you come from?

It's not fair [sultry music]

Trying, tryna keep my cool Trying not to act a fool Oh, oh, oh I got my eyes on you Go ahead and make your move My eyes on you My eyes on you [Lip]

Hey, everybody, it's a boy.

[Cami gasps]

Oh my!

And Tami?

Um, yeah, she, uh she needed an emergency C-section.

Um, there were some complications, bleeding.

She's she's still in the OR.

sh*t.

But she's gonna be okay, right?

I don't I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean, they wouldn't tell me anything else.

Well, go find the f*ck out.

[Bob]

Okay, okay, she's in surgery, Cami.

They'll let us know how she is as soon as they have something to tell us.

Mr.

Tamietti?

[Bob]

Yes.

Oh, sorry, you know, I think, uh, she actually means me.

Uh, I'll come back as soon as I know anything, all right?

[exhales]

[laughs]

You up for going one more time before we head in?

I could really use a bed.

I kind of threw my back out.

That, and I need to ice my balls.

Maybe we could do it in the shower and then - [cell phone plays "Reveille"]

- maybe up on the roof.

Debbie?

[Carl]

No, Lip.

Tami had the baby.

That's great.

Yeah, but she's in trouble.

What?

Something went wrong.

[faint cheering]

Yeah, baby.

[Sam]

Hey, looks like the boys love the new daddy, huh?

[laughs]

Did somebody punch your tit?

No, hickeys.

One of the software engineers from Google likes to pretend he's nursing.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.

I had a guy who wanted me to change his diaper.

- Oh.

- [cell phone chimes]

[love song playing indistinctly]

[indistinct chatter]

[Debbie]

Good evening, Mauve.

Oh, welcome back.

Your usual?

Please.

[sighs]

You look fantastic.

Thank you.

I love your dress.

Herve Leger.

Wonderful.

- Thank you.

- [cell phone chimes]

[Lewis]

Fold the bottom of the blanket over baby's feet.

Then just tuck the point into the top, okay?

[tender music]

Yeah, yeah.

Sit.

[baby cries]

[Lip]

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Set him like this.

You've been running Hey.

Through my mind Hey.

And you're taking Shh.

Your sweet time 'Cause you don't know what you're looking for Shh, shh, shh.

[Veronica whispers]

Oh, my gosh.

[Lip]

Shh, shh, shh.

So you just stop on by from time to time [Debbie whispers]

Boy or girl?

[Lip whispers]

Boy.

I don't know why Are you sure it's yours?

[Debbie]

Tami?

[Lip]

I don't know.

Still in surgery.

From time to time Honey, I I ain't complaining It'll be okay.

'Cause sometimes I enjoy your game [baby grunts]

[cell phone rings]

[Lip whispers]

That's your uncle.

So won't you stop on by from time to time?

[Debbie]

It's a boy.

No, Ian doesn't know yet.

You said come by I don't know why But I'll be all right [energetic rock music]

[indistinct chatter]

- [man]

Oh!

- [man]

Buddy!

[overlapping chatter]

Hey, guys, I'm open.

I'm open.

Hey, the ball, ball, ball, ball, ball!

- Come on, man!

- [man]

No, no, no, no!

[overlapping chatter]

[man]

Oh!

[laughs]

[overlapping chatter]

[man]

Back to the retirement home!