I'll come when you call When you give me the word With the speed of a bird I will fly [woman]
Sue!
Sue!
There's a pervert outside staring at the house.
Another one?
I am so sick and tired of these peeping Toms coming by to bend me over the davenport with their filthy eyes.
Boil some water, Gert.
I'm gonna burn the first two layers of skin off that creep's Oh, that's Frank!
[blows kiss]
Oh, isn't he handsome?
And he's so fun and charming.
He's gonna be a pilot, you know.
Oh, sounds like he's the one.
I don't know.
Could be.
I just have this feeling, like if I'm with him, we could have everything.
Looking good, my working man.
- Did you ever doubt me?
- Not for a second.
- Mm, your cologne smells sweet.
- It's vanilla extract.
Bob Pogo likes the smell of cake.
Mm, me too.
[dog whimpers]
Oh, sh*t.
Major.
It's okay.
He missed the rug.
Agh, that smell of dog puke and vanilla.
It's Oh, it's not doing it for me.
You go get your job back.
And we will pick this up tonight.
You're damn right.
You better start stretching!
You good-looking son of a bitch!
[TV announcer]
Tonight at nine, it's an all-new Colt Luger.
Well, Chavez, your trip to Cuba is gonna have a long layover in The San Cortez Regional Correctional Institute for Men!
[TV Announcer]
And then, it's the ABS Variety Hour!
Starring the ring-a-ding king of modern romance, Mr.
Tommy Tahoe!
Hey, pretty gal He's your man You're his lady He wants to be faithful to you But if you don't lose That weight from the baby He might just say toodle-oo Hey, little sis You've got one eye You're a monster Ow!
Quit it!
What was my record doing in your book bag?
You never listen to it.
And anyway, you stole it from the record store.
- Don't touch my sh*t!
- [grunting]
Mom!
Bill, get your head out of there.
You're melting the orange juice.
[grunts]
Maureen, honey, I have to do some Plast-A-Ware runs today, but I'll be back in time for our Honeybee Scouts meeting, so buzz right on home after school.
I don't want to be a Honeybee!
I want to do this!
Princess, you'll do lots of coloring in Honeybees.
That's all you'll do!
Why does the meeting have to be here?
If I'm the Queen Bee, we save the $5 for dues.
Five bucks?
Ah, that's chump change.
Sue, now that I'm getting my job back, our money worries are over.
- Hell, you could even quit Plast-A-Ware.
- I What?
Bill, what do you say we get you some hockey stuff for tryouts?
- Really?
Thanks, Dad!
- Dad, can you buy me a new guitar?
f*ck no.
[Redbone's "Come and Get Your Love" playing]
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now [grunts]
Ah!
Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now Come and get your love Come and get your love Come and get your love now So anyway, the airline called, they want me back.
Left a message on the answering machine.
Yeah, I got one of those.
I might even get a raise.
I'm so happy for you, Frank.
You're rolling in it!
You should get in touch with my boat broker.
You should get a tiger too.
I know a guy who gets the best tigers you've ever seen.
He'll even file the teeth down for you.
It's like getting bit by a 500-pound duck.
I packed you a lunch, working man.
Egg salad.
- It's Frank's lucky sandwich spread.
- A lady bringing her man his daily bread.
Now that's love, man.
- Don't forget your Colombian Mind Freak!
- My leftovers!
Aw, Cutie Pie, you always remember what I forget.
Today's our three-week anniversary, Frank.
We haven't spent a second apart since I met her down at the reindeer rental return desk.
That f*cking reindeer put a dent in my garage.
Goodbye, my love.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
I just made that up!
[music]
[snorting]
[Vic]
I can quit any time I want!
- Aw, he's so in love.
- He's gonna k*ll someone, Sue.
Wait, wait.
Were you serious about me quitting my Plast-A-Ware job?
Oh, now, don't get upset.
I know how much working means to you and I was wrong to fight you on it.
- But - No.
No, no.
- You really think I could quit it?
- Wait, you want to quit?
I know I wanted a job, but, Frank, it's horrible.
I don't feel valued or respected.
Vivian has me on-call around the clock, running me all over the county to get chewed out by awful people with hammertoes.
Then quit!
I'll be working full-time.
You can do whatever you want.
Oh, like take care of me and the kids again.
That'll be fun.
Be vice president of the house!
Maybe I could go back to college and finish my degree.
You could do whatever your heart desires, as long as you're home by three.
I'll see you tonight.
[laughs uncomfortably]
I'm gonna go back inside now.
Okay.
I'm locked out of the house.
He forgot to leave me the key again.
Hey, that back bedroom window is always open.
Just got to stand on a bucket to reach it.
[laughs nervously]
Sue, it's Vivian.
Pick up, superstar.
Where the f*ck are you?
Hi, Vivian.
Oh, thank God.
I'm having a Code Red here.
Tracy's secretary quit, and I have to cover for her, so I'm stuck in the bullpen with the rest of the cattle.
Things are a little crazy here, too.
It looks like Frank got his This isn't about you!
So listen, your biggest customer, Julie, just called screaming about her latest order.
So drop everything, and get to Ryetown, PDQ.
Oh, and tie your hair back.
Chances are good you'll be eating sh*t.
I love the part in the Bong Water and Spliff record where they get arrested by Officer Doobie.
[laughing]
I think "doobie" means sex.
[laughing]
Step aside, little dicks!
Greetings, denizens of Rivendell.
- Hey, Murph.
- Man.
Oh, hey, Claire.
If your mom's still in jail, maybe we can go back to your house and I don't know, have a crotch fight or something.
I don't think you'd like it at my house.
There's water in the sink.
- You might drown in it.
- [laughing]
- Napalmed!
- Daddy wa-wa!
Daddy wa-wa!
Hey, I don't like water, so what?
Water's stupid.
You can't even breathe in it.
Smart one, Kevin.
Did you learn that in fuckhead class?
Oh, man!
Billy just torched you!
Your brother is funny!
[laughing]
Protect the vitals!
I'll teach you about fuckhead class!
[Billy groaning]
My stick!
Whoa!
Mellow out, Murph.
Yeah, man.
You need to toke a doobie.
- [chuckles]
"Doobie.
" - Blow my d*ck!
I'm out of here!
[crying]
He shouldn't have done that to you.
Are you okay?
Leave me alone!
[sobs]
God, is every Murphy boy a p*ssy?
- [Bolo]
Good one, Claire!
- [laughing]
[woman]
Aw, these butter tubs are all substandard!
This doesn't burp.
This is warped.
And I don't like the way this one's looking at me.
I'm terribly sorry, Julie.
I promise I will strive to do better in the future.
Well, that doesn't help me today.
Sue, we have standards here in Ryetown.
And a sh*t load of Arabs.
Julie, I certainly don't mean to rush you, but I have to get home to my daughter.
Oh, look who's not barren.
- Can we please pick this up tomorrow?
- That's a hell of a way to treat a charter member of the Platinum Lid Club!
I'm entitled to signature, white-glove service!
You, missy, have a lot to learn about customer satisfaction!
[voice fading]
You think you're so high and mighty, with your combed hair and your lined-up tits.
I have half a mind to complain to your superiors about your ungrateful, unprofessional, slipshod manners!
Oh, ridiculous!
[TV announcer]
It's Sue Murphy, starring in The Woman Who Gave Up Working and Went Back To Being Just a Mom and There's Nothing Wrong With That Show!
With Maureen, Kevin, and Bill!
And James Garner as "Frank.
" [smooching]
[Julie]
Wake up!
Did you have a couple gin and tonics for breakfast?
Sorry, I was just No.
You know what, Julie?
I already have three kids, I don't need a fourth.
And I certainly don't need to be talked to like this by someone like you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my daughter needs me.
You will never get another bowl from me!
[door opens]
- But what will I save my cat sh*t in?
- How about your fat ass?
Shoo!
Shoo!
Get out of here!
- I will have you fired!
- [Sue]
Please do!
[radio announcer]
And that neglected, sickly boy whose father told him the world would never know his name, Lee Harvey Oswald.
Ha!
My father was a fucker too.
And now you know there was more to the story than you thought you knew.
The sounds of swing continue on W-E-E-Z-E.
[music]
[horns honking]
- [man]
Come on!
- [woman]
Jesus Christ, I gotta get to work!
- [man]
Today, man!
- [man 2]
Hey, come on, assh*le!
[woman 2]
Oh, my God, you still got two inches in front of you!
Move up!
[woman 3]
I'm having a baby!
[humming]
- Heya, Rosie!
- Frank Murphy!
If you're here to sh**t up the place, let me go on break first.
[chuckles]
I'm not k*lling anybody today.
- Look out, old Frankie is back!
Pow!
- Ah!
f*cking Frank Murphy.
Hey, Bob!
[clock ticking]
I'll just sit right here.
Frank, have you ever been stuck in a freezing Cadillac for 17 hours?
Ever sh*t yourself on Christmas Day just to stay warm?
Ever had the fire department cut you out of a car that wasn't in an accident?
No, can't say I have.
It was humiliating, Frank.
When they found me, I was trying to lactate myself.
Emotions were running high that night.
But I want to thank you.
Being cooped up like veal made me realize I bore some responsibility for being 300 pounds above my fighting weight.
So, in a way, you saved my life that night.
The jury's still out on my fingers.
Based on the smell, I'm not hopeful, but with the help of my wife, I'm dieting, I'm exercising, and I am on my way to a healthier me.
Oh, this is terrible.
Anyway, I'm glad you came, Frank.
To tell you the truth, this place is a f*cking nightmare since you've been gone.
Dunbarton gave your job to his sh*t-for-brains nephew, Scoop.
Scoop Dunbarton?
I remember him.
Wasn't he in the minor leagues?
Yeah, and a major league prick.
Just a miserable human being.
He launched a one-man crusade to re-segregate baseball.
An injury ends his career, so Dunbarton sticks me with him.
God, this tastes like sh*t.
If I could pull a trigger, I'd k*ll myself.
Well, Bob, I know it wasn't easy for you to bring me back, but it would be my honor to help make Mohican great again.
Very good.
About that, here's the job I had in mind for you.
Three days.
- Excuse me?
- I'm stuck with Scoop, so I need you to come back for three days and train him.
Train him?
I thought you were giving me my old job back.
Oh, no!
Dunbarton wouldn't hire you back in 100 years.
You're toast around here.
God, I miss toast.
Are you out of your mind?
You called me here to train my replacement?
- Yes, but - How could you be so heartless?
It's not enough you screwed me over once?
Now you want to put my family through it again?
What about what you put my family through?!
My boys spent Christmas Day watching Daddy get cut out of a sh*t-crusted Cadillac!
I still have to drive with the windows down!
You got what you deserved!
I saved this airline!
- You owe me, you pig-faced f*ck!
- I know that!
And if you had helped me with this, I would've helped you land a job at another airline!
One of the big ones, like Missitucky Central!
Well, why wouldn't you tell me that when I first came in here?
It's called storytelling!
I was building to it!
But no!
You waltzed in here with your ego, expecting a red carpet from the man you left for dead!
You're done, Frank!
I'll make sure you never work in air travel again!
You won't be able to get a job as an engine de-gooser!
Now get the f*ck out of here!
Look at me, I'm standing!
I can't reach it!
Hey, Ben, try this here electric lasso.
- [Ben]
Oh, sh*t!
- I got it!
[grunts]
Here he comes.
[grunts, groans]
[wheezing]
If you die, can we eat you?
"Cut to a close-up of Professor Bonewell.
He says to the chick, 'Guess what?
Blowing all of us just now?
That was your final exam.
'" "You just graduated f*ck School.
" Fade out.
What do you think, Frank?
Would you whack-off to that?
Be honest.
Oh, don't bother Frank with your dumb-ass p*rn.
He's been f*cked enough for one day.
- Thanks.
- Frank, it sucks what they did to you, but you're lucky you're out of here.
This new boss Scoop is a walking clusterfuck!
Yeah, dude just ain't a half-brained assh*le, he's dangerous.
Guys, you don't have to badmouth the new boss just to make me feel better.
- I'm sure he's - Hey!
What are you f*ckers doing sitting around?
Get back to work!
Ah!
Oh, God!
[grunts]
One of you frog parties fix this!
Take some f*cking initiative!
That was Scoop?
He His dent.
One night in St.
Louis, he got drunk after throwing a no-hitter and got kicked in the head trying to carve his name into the back of a Clydesdale.
- You keep a clipping of it?
- [Rosie]
We don't.
Get your mitts off my me-paper!
Frog fucker!
[slams door]
[groans]
- Oh, for the love of Christ.
- I'm gonna go help Frank drown his sorrows.
- You cover for me.
- What do I do?
Just smile and act like Syracuse ain't a f*cking sh*thole.
And that, girls, is how a Honeybee fixes finger sandwiches for a Sweet 16 Party.
Who'd want a finger sandwich?
I've got one for you.
You're ugly and nobody likes you.
[gasps]
Now, girls, that's not the Honeybee way.
Let's move on.
Hi, Bill.
Don't mind us.
Impossible.
Okay, fun with plaster!
[announcer]
And now, the University of Miami [crowd cheers]
- of Ohio - [crowd]
Aww presents Bong Water & Spliff!
[Bong Water]
Hey, Spliff.
The more I smoke, the more you look like a hot dog.
[laughter]
[Spliff]
Well, that's a f*cked up thing for a hamburger to say.
[laughs]
Genius.
Ow!
- Mom!
- Stay away from my records!
- of Ohio, of Ohio, of Ohio - Kevin!
Leave your brother alone!
Mom, that doesn't do anything!
Ow!
Okay.
Sorry about that.
Let's mix it up.
Squirt your dye.
We'll make it a beautiful blue.
[phone rings]
- Mom, the phone.
- I can't get it right now, honey.
That's what the machine's for.
[robotic voice]
Leave a message at the tone.
[beeps]
[Frank]
Hi, Sue, it's me.
I'm at this bar with Rosie because - Oh, sh*t, I got bad news.
- Oh, no.
He sounds sleepy.
Things kind of went south at the airport, and - I kind of sh*t my mouth off.
- [woman]
Get off the phone, white boy!
[Billy]
Cut it out, you d*ck!
- [Kevin]
You're dead!
- [Frank]
Pogo got mad.
He had to take a survival sh*t.
A guy got kicked by a horse.
- f*ck School.
Christ, I don't know!
- Stop touching my stuff!
- Stop touching yourself!
- Ow!
What the hell is wrong with you animals?!
I've got a house full of little girls out there and your yelling is upsetting them!
- He started it.
- He touched my records.
I don't care!
I am done with you two!
You're gonna keep your mouths shut and stay in your beds until I say so!
Do you understand?
- Nice job.
- Eat me.
Shut the f*ck up!
[sighs]
Okay, that's enough for today.
We all had fun, right?
[sobbing]
I blew it, Rosie.
I should've sat there and kept my f*cking mouth shut, I'd have a new job all lined up.
But no.
Not Frank Murphy.
Had to call the old pig fucker a pig fucker.
Because that's what I do.
I can't face Sue.
This is gonna k*ll her.
I bet she's worried about you.
Go on home.
You go home to your wife!
Don't have to.
She's right over there.
Hey, Chauncey, baby.
Your real name is Chauncey?
You tell anybody that, I'll cut you deep.
- Frank, you got to get past this.
- How?
How am I supposed to get past this?
What am I gonna do?
I'm broke!
No savings, no credit.
My family's got nothing now.
Why did Sue buy that f*cking TV?
God will provide.
No, I'm supposed to provide.
I'm a man.
The only thing God's ever given me is a foot up my ass.
I'm trying to sympathize, Frank, but you're in a black man's bar.
Your bottom is six floors above our ceiling.
- Right on.
- Yeah, you tell him.
Right on.
These people really like to participate.
Look, if you're hurting that bad, call my man Smokey.
- He can always use some help.
- Rosie, I'm not selling dr*gs.
Man, what kind of drug dealer has a business card?
We don't all sell dope!
Ah, you're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
Drinks for everybody!
This peckerwood's buying!
- Just f*cking with you.
- [laughs]
I know!
I'm poor!
sh*t I'm poor.
If your husband strays Suck it up and quit complaining He makes more money than you [laughter]
- [sighs]
I'm starving.
- Me too.
I'm not getting up, though.
Hell no.
She's scary tonight.
I think Dad didn't get his job back.
Yeah, no sh*t.
This is bad.
I saw a thing in the paper where they need delivery boys.
I'm gonna call and get a route.
Maybe that could help.
Get real, man.
Everyone knows it, but nobody wants to say it.
The only hope this family has is for me to fulfill my destiny as a rock star.
If he's out late Sit and wait Be a doormat There's nothing else you can do The hell there isn't.
Vivian?
It's Sue.
I want to sincerely apologize for my unprofessional behavior in Ryetown today.
I'm fully committed to Plast-A-Ware and its family of fine products, and I'll never do anything to embarrass you or the company ever again.
Since Tracy's secretary quit, does that mean there's an opening at corporate?
If so, I wonder if you could talk to Tracy and ask her to consider me for that job.
For any job.
I'm highly qualified.
I'm two semesters shy of a college degree.
Some people might call that a year.
And I need a full-time position.
I have to provide for my family.
Oh, no.
Lick that pickle, baby Pull it from a jar [chuckles]
Hey.
Well, lookee here.
Always a party with Frank.
[window creaking]
How much sh*t am I in?
Frank, I'm too tired to talk.
I have to go.
Someone needs to take care of this family and right now, that's me.
If you're hungry, there's leftover egg salad in the fridge.
[groans]
If you don't keep it down, I'm never staying in this here hotel again!
Huh!
[Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman" playing]
I am woman Hear me roar In numbers too big to ignore And I know too much To go back and pretend Sue, I'd like you to meet our Vice President of Marketing, - Tracy McGrath.
- It's so nice to meet you, ma'am Heya, Sue, how fast can you type?
I don't care, I can stare at that rack all day.
You're hired!
[laughs]
So, ready to join the team?
Can't wait.
If I have to I can do anything
- # I am strong #
- # Strong #
- # I am invincible #
- # Invincible # I am woman You can bend But never break me 'Cause it only serves to make me More determined To achieve my final goal And I come back even stronger Not a novice any longer 'Cause you deepened The conviction in my soul