06x04 - Maximizing Alphaness

[bunniefuu]

Well, Colin, he did take my money.

- Now he is leaving your network.

- To go where?

Oh, to the network run by my new friend, Laurie Bream.

(RETCHES)

- You guys, there's really no other option.

- Yes, there is.

If Hooli won't sell us Foxhole, we could just buy Hooli.

Big question.

How do we buy Hooli?

You want this deal to close, you bring us the forms, get everyone's hard signature and then bring them to me.

You're not gonna turn your back on 30 years of making money together, are you?

I don't want to be in business with any of you people.

MONICA HALL: Everybody's gathered out there, so you should probably say something.

Won't they be happy?

I freed them from Gavin.

Or your company just swallowed theirs and you fired their founder and CEO.

RICHARD: All we wanted was Foxhole, and instead we got all these Hooli people.

We really couldn't just fire them, sight unseen?

Uh-uh.

Tracy from HR has to do an assessment of each person first, then we should can them.

Oh, hey.

I think I know that guy.

Uh, yeah.

DINESH: What are you doing?

Did you just wave him in?

I-I don't know, a*t*matic social sh*t.

Hey, Ethan!

Uh (CHUCKLES)

- What are you doing here?

- You tell me, boss.

Uh, Ethan was my first manager when I was at Hooli.

I didn't know you still worked there.

Yeah, well, we can't all invent middle-out compression.

Uh, anyway, I-I hope I make the cut.

Yeah, well, we're having to be creative with the merger, so Yeah, totally.

That's why I figured I could maybe help.

You could use Hooli OS for your entire mobile suite.

Yeah, we're not gonna spend months porting Hooli software over to our protocol, so - But thanks.

- Yeah, it was a good thought.

Yeah, you wouldn't have to.

When we iterated Hooli OS 11, we reengineered the entire network layer to be compatible with other protocols and you own it.

How quickly, would you say, you could, um, make it work with PiperNet?

A few weeks with almost zero refactor.

How much money do you think that could save us?

So you guys are planning to build your own external antennas to deploy for the Hawaii test?

- Why?

- The zero-start problem.

Until we have a critical mass of users, iOS and Android devices don't have enough range.

Right, of course not, but push-to-talk HooliPhones do.

DINESH: HooliPhones?

You want us to roll out our network on push-to-talk, - janky-ass HooliPhones?

- (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Laugh it up, but, uh, the fact that they still have low power, omnidirectional antennas means they have a radius of four miles.

What is your antenna's range?

- One mile?

- GILFOYLE: Wrong.

One-point-one-five.

Okay.

Line of sight, though.

- Maybe.

- Richard, you guys just bought 250,000 HooliPhones.

Instead of spending more money on expensive and mediocre antennas, why not just give away HooliPhones for the test?

Delete.

RICHARD: You know, Ethan, could you walk us through the Hooli OS side of all this work?

Yeah, totally, but I think it'd go faster if I just took point and your guys backed me up.

I'm sorry, what do you mean, back you up?

Guys, we are in a huge hole here.

Whatever it takes to get us out of it, please.

Um, why don't you talk to Tracy in HR, and you can get your start-paperwork.

Cool!

Looks I already earned my keep, huh, Patches?

(LAUGHS)

Patches.

Yeah.

Oh, that's weird that you remember that.

Um, so, Patches.

I'll tell them.

Uh, first day at Hooli, I wore this sweater that had these, like, elbow pads on it.

- Anyway, uh - HooliPhones?

Are you f*cking serious?

You just laid down and let that guy roll all over us.

Look, I don't wanna use Hooli sh*t anymore than you guys, but this is for the greater good of the company.

This will get us to a working test.

This will get us to Hawaii.

Hey!

Holden.

I asked for a water.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

Silicon Valley 6x04 Maximizing Alphaness - Thank you.

- Mm-hmm.

Oh Laurie.

This will be sound.

Excuse me one minute.

- Laurie.

- Oh, Monica.

- Hello.

- Hi.

I'm now using touch as a means to communicate friendship.

Uh-huh.

Hey, um, is that Kara Swisher?

What do guys do in there?

We are uplifting each other while we plan our annual Women in Tech Empowerment panel.

Kara's moderating.

Oh my God.

Is that Susan Susan Wojcicki from YouTube.

Don't point, it's unseemly.

(SIGHS)

Laurie, you do know that I am the CFO of a prominent tech company and just personally led - the acquisition of Hooli?

- Yes, I am aware.

My partner Maximo is, hmm unpleased.

I'm just saying, I-I would love to do the panel.

Why?

You don't mentor, you don't volunteer, you don't develop programs for women.

You've never shown the slightest interest in supporting women.

Of course I have!

Which is why I wanna do your panel with Susan Wojcicki from YouTube.

Well we do have a lot of funny people.

You could add balance.

Are you eating the entire leaf?

It's amazing how wasteful people in the West can be.

GAVIN: Hoover.

This book will send shockwaves throughout the Valley.

Cold Ice Cream and Hot Kisses.

This is about your experience at Hooli?

No, no.

It's a coming-of-age story about a lost, yet handsome teen growing up one fateful summer in Maine.

Now, get that to the publishers.

I want the hardback in my hand by tomorrow lunchtime.

Sir, it takes a bit longer than that.

We have to send it out to publishing houses and then find an editor.

Editors are for people who can't write correctly the first time.

We'll self-publish.

And this really isn't about tech?

No.

I've left tech for good.

Now, I have a chance to do something important.

Write a thinly veiled roman à clef set in a whale-themed B and B.

RICHARD: So look, Monica, um, I was looking over the org chart, and I think I'm gonna put you in charge of Foxhole.

- What?

- Yeah.

I mean, while I know that you and I were saying that maybe some people might find it a little misogynist or offensive.

I think that we if we had a woman at the helm, it might change the optics, and since you don't really care No, I-I-I do care.

I care deeply.

No, you don't.

I mean, you literally said, "If a bunch of dumb Marines wanna cheat on their dumb wives, what the f*ck do I care?" I don't think I used those exact words.

I'm pretty sure you did, actually.

- You texted it to me last night, see?

- No, but And then you also said, "We don't have to smell it.

We just have to sell it.

- As long as those fat fat fatties" - Okay.

I took an Ambien last night, and probably should've turned off my phone.

Can you delete those?

Okay.

Monica, just make it work.

Please?

For women.

Hi.

Bertram Gilfoyle?

No.

I'm John.

Okay.

I brought the HooliPhones.

Would you like to see them?

I was told to help you with integration.

You know what, John?

That would be grand.

Okay, here they are.

The push-to-talk HooliPhone 13-X.

Here's a HooliPhone right here.

And here's a HooliPhone right here.

- And here's a - Stop talking.

Sit in that chair.

Do not touch or say anything.

JOHN: Okay.

JARED: Oh my God.

Gwart, do you remember how I-I told you I found my birth father in that militia in the Ozarks, but then it turned out that guy was a fraud?

Well, um, I just went in for some genetic testing to-to confirm my diagnosis of Marfan syndrome, and it turns out that my real parents are alive.

And they live in Santa Cruz.

And they're still together.

What should I do?

Should I visit them?

Are you upset?

Should I have not allowed somebody to sit so close?

Because I-I asked you if it was okay.

If you had an issue, you could've No.

No.

(CHUCKLES)

It is my job to protect you.

That is my responsibility.

I shouldn't have put you in that position.

I apologize.

Do you forgive me?

(LAUGHING)

Yeah!

Yeah, you're right!

I'll be splitting you guys into teams of four, then giving you guys different test scenarios.

Hey, Patches!

Hey!

Uh, Holden said that we were having this thing upstairs.

Yeah, I moved it down here.

It's just a better space.

Go ahead, have a seat.

You're over there.

I said we should wait for you to start, but The clock is ticking, though, right?

We have stuff to do.

Busy, busy.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Elbow pads.

Weird.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, actually, the first day I was at Hooli Yeah, I told them.

I told them.

They all laughed.

- (GIGGLING)

- Oh.

Heh.

Come on, put it on, Patches.

- I don't wanna put it on.

- Do it!

Be fun!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Yeah, okay, sure.

I can be fun.

(CHUCKLES)

It's kinda funny, I guess.

Yes!

There he is!

- There's our Patches!

- (SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Hey, listen, Richard.

You know I'm just joking around with you, right?

We're all just having fun.

Thanks for being a good sport, okay?

Sure.

No problem.

Okay.

Back to it.

Right!

Okay, so as I was saying, with smaller groups, we'll be able to make faster decisions, right?

Light on our feet.

For example, do we think this photo of Richard is funny?

- (LAUGHING)

- We do, don't we?

God We do!

Okay.

Cool, uh, guilty as charged.

Big cake lover.

You got me.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I was your boss for a year, so you know I have some funny photos of you squirreled away, right?

Uh, I didn't know that was a thing bosses did, but, yeah, maybe.

Speaking of which, did you write that?

- MAN: Ooh!

- WOMAN (LAUGHING): Oh, my God.

GABE: And sorted list size is greater than - plus, plus index?

- (LAUGHING)

You ran a brute force search on a sorted list?

Look, guys, it was my first day, and - I was nervous, and I was hurrying, so - ETHAN: Really?

That's why you decided to write the slowest subroutine in history?

(LAUGHING)

Anyone could've made that mistake.

Yeah, it's true.

In fact, I could ask for a show of hands, but instead of doing that, uh, I'll just, uh - Could you have made that mistake?

- (LAUGHING)

Could you have made that mistake?

Could you have made that mistake?

- Okay.

- Could you have made that mistake?

The joke is that he's doing a brute force search of the room.

- Yeah, I know.

- Then, why did you do it?

- (LAUGHTER CONTINUING)

- ETHAN: Could you have made that mistake?

Richard, what the f*ck was that?

It was just Ethan being Ethan.

He was acting like your boss, and you were acting like his noob employee.

No.

Everyone knows I'm the boss.

I think people were just excited to, you know, razz the CEO.

- It's all in good fun.

- I did not have fun.

I watched you get kicked in the balls for 90 minutes.

My balls hurt sympathetically for your balls.

Take off that sweater!

It's fine.

I mean, yes, Ethan can be a little prickly, but he is gonna get us to where we need to be.

And I don't mind putting my ego aside for the good of the company.

That guy humiliating you was not good for the company.

He dominated you like a silverback gorilla.

Do you know why the gorillas respected Jane Goodall?

- Jane Goodall studied chimpanzees.

- Wrong!

It's because she could kick their ass, and they knew it.

You need to assert dominance like Jane Goodall.

I have something to show you.

You're gonna need this.

This is a video of maximizing alphaness.

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

What else happens?

DINESH: It's just this, then it repeats itself.

You just kind of breathe and subconsciously absorb it.

Dinesh, this is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

f*ck yeah.

(BEEPING)

Hey, John.

Yeah?

Could you grab my extra spudger?

I think it's on my desk, next to my chess board.

Okay.

Cthulu limited edition, huh?

- That's right.

- Huh.

Anything else?

Nope.

Okay.

I am so glad we could do this.

Yeah.

What are we doing, exactly?

Well, I have had my eye on you for a while now.

It's what I like to call, "mentoring from a distance".

We haven't spoken more than five words to each other since you joined the company.

That's the distance part!

Look, I-I came here to talk about advancing the careers of women, specifically yours.

- Do you know how we just acquired Foxhole?

- Of course.

Apparently, it's 90% men, and almost all the female users are prostitutes.

Which makes it a very challenging assignment.

It's also a big promotion and strategically important to the company.

And it's yours, if you want it.

But, I mean, if you don't think you can handle it, I can just check in with Becky, Nadia, - Dani - No!

- I can do it.

- (SIGHS)

Awesome!

For you!

Caspian's heart cracked open like one of his father's briny lobster traps.

"Hannah", he whispered.

- "I am not" - (COFFEE MACHINE RUMBLING)

(RUMBLING STOPS)

"Hannah", he whispered.

"I am not a member of the prestigious Prout's Neck Yacht Club.

- Truth be told, I am but a" - (CLATTERING LOUDLY)

(RATTLING)

"Truth be told, I am but a lowly man of the sea.

- She" - (STEAM HISSING)

"She was my mistress, but now, I pray that you might be as well?" Thank you.

- Name?

- Oh, I don't want to buy your book.

I'm Allie Abrams, arts editor at the Sacramento Bee.

Do you have a minute for a quick interview?

I'll make the time.

Is it on?

Running?

Firstly, I work in the parlor.

I use a 1968 IBM Selectric II.

In fact, the tapping of the keys inspired the idea for Lana's blindness.

The tapping of her cane, you see?

Oh.

I guess what I really want to know is, why isn't this book about tech?

I'm an author.

Would you ask John Grisham the same question, or Jackie Collins?

Well, no, but they weren't the head of a failed tech company.

You think I failed.

I didn't fail tech.

Tech failed me.

Tech failed all of us.

Look.

We should be in a Waldenbooks, but we're here, in this decrepit sh*thole, and why?

Because people buy books online, thanks to Hool Amazon.

So, don't point fingers at me.

I didn't write about tech because tech destroys worlds, and I, I wanted to create them.

(THUMPS)

May I have a token for the restroom, please?

Well, there's not a whole lot to the story.

Once you came along, Susan and I realized the timing was not right, and we needed to give you up.

I appreciate how difficult that must've been for you guys.

One of the hardest decisions we ever had to make.

Um, thank you.

And I just want you to know, that I understand and I don't hold it against you at all.

You guys had kids after me?

- Well, one was after.

- Pardon?

- Pete and Lisa were before you.

- Right.

I don't understand.

You I was your third child, and-and you you gave me up?

- Yeah.

It just got way too difficult for us.

- Mm.

Yeah.

STU: Couldn't go on as many flights.

Two parents, two kids that's a clear row across.

- Yeah.

- 1A, B, C, and D.

So, you gave me up to simplify your first-class air travel?

- Oh.

No, it's more complicated than that.

- Yeah.

STU: Yeah, we had car travel, - and taxis.

- Mm-hmm.

We never really did travel by train.

No, and I don't do boats, so Well, you did enjoy that trip down the Rhine.

I said I did.

- Oh, you!

- (LAUGHS)

Anyway, when we gave you up, we realized - we had a huge mistake.

- You did?

Yeah.

We realized we actually did want a third child.

- Yep.

- Started trying almost immediately, and we lucked out because Donald is the best of the bunch.

STU: Yeah.

- Donald?

- STU: Yeah, we love that name, - so we just wanted to use it again.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- Oh!

Speak of the angels, they're here.

- They're here.

Wait, you invited my birth siblings here?

- To meet me?

- (VOICES CHATTERING)

- Hi, Mama.

- Hey.

STU: This is Peter.

This is Lisa.

This is Donald.

And this is, uh, Ken.

He's here to tell us - about the solar situation for the house - Ken?

so, uh Yeah, we offer financing.

We just need one more minute, and then we can go.

- All right.

- Bye.

We never told them about you.

Didn't wanna make them sad.

- Yeah, I-I see.

- STU: Yeah.

Well!

This has been really great.

We have - We have a family dinner.

- We have a dinner.

Every Thursday, we have Italian food, so Although, tonight, we're switching it up.

We're gonna do Chinese.

It was one of the hardest decisions we ever had to make.

STU: Yeah.

Well, uh, Ken, we were underwhelmed by your presentation.

- Hey, John.

- Yeah?

Did you move the white pawn here?

Opening move?

No.

Okay.

I'm gonna go hit the head.

I should be back in about two minutes.

Okay.

Where's the dunce cap?

(MUFFLED HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- (ETHAN SIGHS)

Hey, uh (CLEARS THROAT)

Uh, Ethan?

- Yeah, Patches?

- (CHUCKLES)

I-I was actually thinking that maybe we stop with the nickname.

We had our fun, but maybe stop all the jokes about my coding mistake from years ago, and also stop calling me Patches.

Yeah.

Okay.

Butt Stuff.

(LAUGHS)

You remember that?

When you walked around all day and your T-shirt was stuck all the way into your underwear, all day?

I mean, I remember it, but no to Butt Stuff.

- Um, just call me Richard.

- Here's the thing.

That name makes me happy, and if you had as much managerial experience as I do, you'd know that keeping your star coder happy is how you get the best work, and you guys need me to do really good work because I'm kind of the only person here that can do it, so I'm just gonna keep calling you Patches.

Is that okay with you?

Patches?

- Oh!

- RICHARD: Aw!

So, it's complicated.

You were the clear aggressor in this incident, but you're also the only one who got hurt.

You hit him in the forehead, which is the single hardest part of the human body.

I would never advocate v*olence, but when you make a fist, you wanna keep your thumb on the outside.

Yeah.

Uh, I know that now, but at the time, I couldn't remember.

RON: You did great, Champ, but here's the bottom line.

We gotta cool our sh*t down with this guy before he lawyers up and sues us a new hiney-hole.

You need to go talk to Ethan and give him a sincere - and honest apology.

- Without admitting any fault or describing what happened in any way.

JARED: I asked myself, why would they reject me and not their three other biological children?

- And that is when it hit me.

- (SIMON GAME BEEPING)

It's me.

I mean, even as a baby, I must have somehow rejected them, and every subsequent foster family I've ever had.

Oh.

Heavy.

I rejected Richard, and every person who has ever offered me safe harbor, and it has to stop.

I have to commit to Gwart.

No matter how difficult it gets, even if we're miserable together, I am going to support her work, and bring her food, and-and put her in her prescription sleeping bag when she starts to thrash.

It is the only path forward.

Hey, that's the best, man.

I feel like you made a lot of progress.

- Ha!

- (SIMON GAME BEEPING)

Gwart's doll gloves.

I'm gonna make her so happy.

My book is a f*cking disaster.

(SIGHS)

What have you got there?

Oh, um, MSNBC wanted to interview you about being an "anti-tech evangelist".

Their words.

I told them you only wanted to speak about two things: cold ice cream, and hot kisses.

Who-who was it?

Was it Hayes or O'Donnell?

Maddow, sir.

- Really?

- Yes.

I'm sure all the major outlets would love to have you if you discuss tech.

So (SIGHS)

Do I honor my truth as a starving author, or do I return to the world I've scorned?

What did Publisher's Weekly say about my book?

Publisher's Weekly is a terrible magazine, sir.

Call Maddow.

Yes, sir.

Bishop to E6.

- Checkmate.

- f*ck.

Okay, so that's 42 games for me, and zero for you.

You wanna play again?

I think I'll take a break.

Okay.

(BEEPING)

Okay.

- (APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- SWISHER: Well, thank you so much for the hilarious Susan Wojcicki, the CEO of YouTube.

It's gonna be a very hard act to follow, but here to try is Monica Hall, the CFO of Pied Piper.

Come on up, Monica.

(APPLAUDING)

- Thank you for coming, Monica.

- Thank you.

I was thrilled and surprised to be invited.

So, let's cut right to the chase.

You recently acquired Hooli, and one of its properties is Foxhole, which is apparently an app that m*llitary members use to source prostitutes.

Yes, and that's something I'm not involved with on any level.

It's being run now by a young woman I promoted, Priyanka Singh.

I talked to Priyanka before this panel.

Priyanka, are you in this audience?

- Yes, hi!

- Hey, Priyanka.

How you doing?

Why don't you get up and tell us about it?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, when I first took over the app, I was pretty lost, but, luckily, I was able to call on my network of strong, female coders.

(CHEERING)

And almost immediately, we came up with a plan to rebuild Foxhole from the bottom up.

Our first step will be to unionize the sex workers on the app.

We believe that friends with benefits deserve benefits because sex work is work.

(APPLAUDING)

And!

And!

Why is it only for men?

Don't our female soldiers, who put their bodies in harm's way, deserve to put their bodies in pleasure's way?

(CHEERING)

I think it might be a good idea to bring Priyanka up here.

- Priyanka, why don't you come up?

- Uh, okay.

(APPLAUDING)

SWISHER: So, Priyanka, the business of sex positive feminism Monica, move.

Like we say at Foxhole, if you can scale Tinder, you can scale sex positive feminism.

- (APPLAUSE)

- There's a seat in back.

You.

- Who are you?

- (SQUELCHES)

Ethan.

Hey, um I owe you an apology.

It's bad enough that I used brute force to search a sorted list, but No, Richard.

I'm the one that needs to apologize to you.

You're my boss, and the way that I talked to you was completely outta line.

I'm just feeling insecure about working for a guy that used to work for me.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I'm so happy to be here, and I'd love to stick around if you'll have me.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

Great, man.

Thank you so much.

Sorry again.

Thank you, this is great.

Dinesh, I'm really looking forward to finishing up this project with you and your team.

- Oh, it's whatever, dawg.

- Cool.

What did you do to that guy?

- I watched that video.

- See?

I told you!

We're alphas!

- f*ck yeah!

- f*ck yeah.

Hey, uh, don't show that video to Gilfoyle.

Got it.

f*ck yeah.

- HOLDEN: I see it's been handled.

- Yes.

Good.

So, I trust there's no more need for any No.

That won't be necessary.

Let's hope not.

Can I go now, please?

Very well.

Good job on the plate.

Holden, did you thr*aten Ethan in some way?

He was causing problems - for Richard.

- Oh.

Well, it's it's good to know that he's in good hands.

Don't you have somewhere to be?

- (PHONE CHIMES)

- Uh sorry.

Um It's from Gwart.

"I'm dissolving my company and taking a job elsewhere.

Your employment is terminated.

P. S.

Those aren't my doll's gloves".

Oh.

So, then I I'm free to return to work with Richard.

Your position's been filled.

("FIRST LIGHT OF THE DAY" BY GETO BOYS PLAYING)

Oh, um No, it hasn't.

Step out on my corner with my box of rocks Drama covers my hood from blocks and blocks See my homie that I hang with Hit him up with the deuce thumb thang sh*t Back then it came with the love And n*gg*s wasn't tripping over scratch 'Cause we took turns and we both stacked stacks And if you had a customer you had him for life 'Cause Brad the true hustler granted you right 'Cause if we gonna stack leaves, then we gotta get along And he who disagrees then gotta get him gone 'Cause if you start to get paid then n*gg*s wanna flex And ain't no squabble these days So n*gg*s brought the tech, and when they find you They sending you to immortal ground And ain't no coming back from that sh*t you going down My pockets ain't hurting, that's for certain You see a broke m*therf*cker, it's a burden I'm the first m*therf*cker on the block for the cheese And I'm the last m*therf*cker to leave My pockets ain't hurting that's for certain You see a broke m*therf*cker, it's a burden (MUSIC PLAYS)

I'm sorry, what is this?

RUSS HANNEMAN: Russfest.

Three days of partying on a plot of land so far out even Nevada barely wants it.

REPORTER: What's the newest k*ller app coming out of Silicon Valley?

Are you Tethical?

RICHARD HENDRICKS: No one in town is ever gonna sign this hypocrite's hypocritical garbage.

Hey, Richard, are you signing Gavin's pledge?

Aw what?

TRACY: I'd like to talk to you about your Piper Pulse.

Your coworkers find you unapproachable, with an unsettling stare.

Okay.

(MUSIC CONCLUDES)