10x08 - Now We're Not Cooking with Gas

[bunniefuu]

LOUISE: Come on, Dad, speed it up.

We're barely outrunning that black cloud that follows you around.

Yeah.

Give my seat belt something to worry about.

- Oh, we're driving?

- They're right, Bob.

I don't think you've driven this carefully since you forgot to renew our insurance.

I-I'm not driving any faster with a Riverbrook Lake Farms - heritage turkey in the car, Lin.

- Ugh.

Y-You've got precious cargo in your lap.

And a butt that won't quit.

- Thank you, Gene.

- I've been on the waiting list for five years for this bird.

And, yes, as much as I love you all, I might actually love this turkey a little more right now.

At least he's calmed down since The Call.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Yes?

I Oh, my God.

Really?

Really?

I got one?!

Are you freaking kidding me?!

(cackles)

Yes!

You-You've made me the happiest man in the entire world!

Take this frozen hunk of junk.

I don't need it.

I-I mean, I'm-I'm sorry.

Y-Yours are fine.

I-I usually buy them here.

It's just, I-I got a Riverbrook Lake Farms turkey!

Yes!

(laughs, whoops)

-He's not well.

He'll tire himself out.

-Yes!

Yes!

Look, I know you guys don't get it, but these heritage turkeys are the best turkeys you can buy.

They're like the Ferraris of turkeys.

Oh, Ferr-are they?

Guy Fieri is the Ferrari of Fieris.

Oh, it even comes with a little card that tells you about your fancy bird.

"Our turkey's name is Popcorn, because her farmers sometimes gave her popcorn.

" - Oh.

- Can I change my name to Little Pieces of Cheese Any Time, Day Or Night?

There's a reason these turkeys cost five times more than a grocery store turkey, guys.

They're fresh-k*lled.

They've never been frozen.

And they're raised with the best care, in the best conditions.

So, we're gonna eat something that's had a better life than us.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Good night, Louise.

- Night, Dad.

- Good night, Gene.

- Good night, Papa.

- Night, Tina.

- Night, Dad.

Good night, Popcorn.

(high-pitched): Good night, Bob.

I can't believe you're really mine You're a true gift from heaven And I love you.

- Pretty song.

- Oh, thanks.

Do you want me to set up a little bed in here so you can sleep near your friend?

No, no, I'll-I'll set it up.

Oh, you're kidding.

(birds chirping)

(Bob humming a tune)

(quietly): Is Dad gonna leave Mom for Popcorn?

Let's be honest, he's never looked happier.

Ooh, Tina!

Wow!

Look at that!

What is that?

Wh-What is it?

It's a Gratitude Tree.

It's from the Thundergirls Handbook.

You write things you're grateful for on paper leaves and stick them to the tree.

I'm thinking around 4:00 - for the leaf ceremony?

- Leaf ceremony?

Yeah.

We read our leaves aloud and take turns taping them to the branches.

Huh.

So it's like a Christmas tree, then?

No, this is different.

It's a Gratitude Tree.

Looks like a Sad-itude Tree.

It just doesn't have any leaves on it yet.

But it will.

Everyone gets eight leaves.

Eight?

(chuckles)

Whoa-oh!

That's basically homework.

Do they have to be leaves?

What about pieces of salami?

They have to be paper.

And make sure you don't tell anyone about your leaves until the ceremony.

It's more special that way.

Can I write "I'm grateful for my shockingly deep belly button"?

You can put a whole hot dog in there.

Yep, whatever you want.

But save it for the tree.

- Can I write "When Tina wears deodorant"?

- Save it.

- Croutons?

- Throwing stars?

Save it for the tree!

Save it for the tree!

Lin, did you do something to the oven?

- No.

Why?

- Uh, it's cold.

That's how they start.

Then you turn the thingy, and it warms up.

No, no, no, I turned it on 20 minutes ago and it's not working.

Wh-Why hasn't it heated up?

I-Is it broken?

Did we pay the gas bill?

Yes, we paid the gas bill.

I remember 'cause the check number ended in 69 and we high-fived.

- Why?

- Never mind.

Bob Where'd he go?

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please No!

Lin, it's not working downstairs either.

Okay, got it.

Thanks so much.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Whew.

All right, so our check didn't bounce.

Great.

So why isn't the gas working?

Something about the main line getting a leak so the gas has to be shut down for repairs on the whole block.

What?

For how long?

They said it'd be back up in, uh, - one or two days.

- One or two days?!

- What about the turkey?!

- I mean, can we freeze it?

What did you just say?

(mumbles): I just said maybe we could freeze it.

Lin, this is a Riverbrook Lake Farm heritage turkey.

You can't just stick it in the freezer.

It has to cook today.

I-I timed it out perfectly.

(groans loudly)

Would it help if I donated some of my gas?

Oh!

Oh, what about Gayle's?

She's in Florida with Mom and Dad.

We could cook there.

Doesn't Aunt Gayle keep her cats' litter box in her oven?

She also keeps her toilet paper in there and paper plates.

She's got it all figured out.

(groaning)

Okay, okay.

Hold on, hold on.

- Oh, what about Teddy?

- Yes!

Teddy!

T-Teddy has an oven!

-(beep)

-Hello?

- Teddy.

Bob, can you hear me okay?

I got a new earpiece.

I'm hands-free now, Bob.

I mean, I have hands, just not on my phone.

Oh.

That's great, Teddy.

I'm calling because our gas is out and we need to use your oven to cook our turkey.

It's a heritage turkey from Riverbrook Lake Farms.

- Oh.

Uh, s-sounds important.

- It's very, very important.

Right.

No.

Uh, well, my place is being fumigated, so my oven's out of commission.

- Mm.

- Geez.

Aw, man!

Why, of all the stupid times I picked to get termites.

God!

Oh, man.

I'm on my way to my mom's for dinner.

- Mm-hmm.

- Her and my sister have the flu, but I'm pretty sure they're not contagious anymore.

- Mm.

- Hey, you could come to that.

- You could bring the whole family, huh?

- Oh.

No.

-Thanksgiving's saved.

Thanks to me.

-Teddy.

- No, thank you.

We're good.

- Right?

No, no, no.

Don't rule it out.

I'm bringing hand sanitizer!

Enough for everybody!

No, no, no.

I mean, we're-we're-we're fine.

But thank you for the offer.

Okay, well, if you change your mind, you know, yeah, just write down her address Yep.

Okay.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hello?

(sighs)

What are you gonna do, Bob?

You've waited so long for this, and now you can't even cook your very own Riverbrook Lake Farms heritage turkey.

- Poor Popcorn.

- I know.

I'm so sorry.

Don't tell me.

Tell her.

I'm so sorry, Popcorn.

I won't let you go to waste.

I-I'll figure out how to cook you today.

I won't let you down.

- Either of you!

- Well, I'm thankful for this.

Tina, hand me a leaf.

Hmm.

Okay.

Interesting.

That could work.

Yes, yes.

(cackling)

Where's Dad?

I don't hear any of his dignified high-pitched moaning.

Uh, I heard him go outside.

I figure let him cool off.

Then maybe we can order takeout or something.

Or we get a time machine and order takeout an hour ago?

- (Bob grunting loudly)

- You guys hear that?

- What is that?

- Is it coming from the alley?

-(grunting)

-Dad's recycling the crap out of that box.

Bob, are you okay?

Lin!

Bring down a couple chairs from the kitchen!

Hurry!

(grunts, pants)

We can do it here, in the alley.

Do what, Bob?

What the hell are you talking about?

Cook the turkey, Lin!

I just watched a bunch of videos online.

There's these outdoor chefs.

They make cooking fires outside.

You want to cook the turkey here?

- Is that even legal?

- Does it matter?

I like Caveman Dad.

We can make a fire-pit.

The chairs can hold the spit.

It's actually kind of perfect, making a heritage turkey just like the pilgrims did.

In a stinky alley beside a dumpster?

And possibly human poop?

Just start looking for wood or anything else that can burn.

Wait, anything?

We can burn (stammers)

just any-anything?

Yes!

Wait, why are you so excited?

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Out of my way, people, quick, before he changes his mind!

We're cooking that beautiful bird if it's the last thing this family ever does!

-(grunting)

-The last thing this family's doing is touring the bridges of Madison County!

(grunts)

Sorry, Billy Joel.

We did start the fire.

These pallets are a lot harder to break down than I thought.

I guess we should, uh, probably invest in an a*.

Or join one of those a*-of-the-month clubs.

MR.

HUGGINS: What are you guys up to?

Whatever it is, it's on fire.

- Careful!

- Hi, Mr. Huggins.

We're-we're actually building a cooking fire since the gas is out.

I've got a heritage turkey from Riverbrook Lake Farms, so Oh.

I don't know what that is, but looks fun.

Yeah, you got anything to burn?

Hmm, I'm not sure.

Um, does Italian dressing burn?

No, I don't think so.

Well-well, I got toothpicks, cinnamon and mint.

- Toss 'em down!

- Okay.

Catch.

Yes!

You're welcome to join us, Mr. Huggins.

Oh.

No, thanks.

I'm headed to my girlfriend's place.

She's a vegetarian, and that's fine.

- Vegetarians are nice.

I love it.

- Good luck!

And don't burn down the neighborhood!

Seriously.

Please don't.

(chuckling)

Look at that!

Okay, Linda, you turn the spit.

Tina, you spray the mop handle with this water so it doesn't catch on fire.

Gene, Louise, you two go up the alley and find more stuff to burn.

Oh, you don't have to ask me twice, bay-beh!

The most important thing is keeping this fire going.

We have to keep this bird hot for only four or five hours.

- What?

- What?

- Five hours?

We'll be fully grown women by then!

It'll be worth it, I promise.

- Just go.

- Oh, and feel free to think of gratitude leaves while you're out.

Oh, absolutely.

I'm thankful you reminded me.

You guys, too.

If you get any leaf ideas, you can write them down on your hand like I did.

See?

Damn it.

Smudged.

(sighs)

"Diaper-phones"?

That can't be right.

These?

Can-can we burn these?

- Yep.

Toss 'em in.

- Yes.

- Twine?

- Toss it.

Ha-ha!

- This?

What about this?

- Definitely.

Burn, baby, burn!

The fire's getting too low.

Lin, can you go inside and maybe find more stuff to burn?

- Tina, can you turn the spit?

- Okay.

What am I supposed to get from upstairs?

I don't know.

Anything.

I-I'm desperate.

All right.

"Thank you, Linda.

I love you, Linda.

" - Thank you!

- You guys are cute.

Dang it.

Doesn't seem to be anything else around here - to burn.

- I keep suggesting those boxes.

- Gene, they're soaked in pee.

- I'm sorry!

I had to go.

Oh, how 'bout this?

A tote bag that says what we're all thinking.

Better than pee boxes.

Let's do it!

I'm calling your mom.

She's been up there for too long.

- We-we need fuel here.

- (line rings)

- LINDA: Hello?

- Lin, wh-what are you doing?

Oh, I got looking for stuff to burn and found a box of old artwork by the kids.

Aw.

Remember that little squirrel Gene drew when he was three?

It says, "I'm nuts about you, Mommy and Daddy," except I wrote it 'cause he was too little.

Oh, and Louise's Popsicle picture frame from kindergarten!

We can't burn this, Bob.

We can't.

Lin, we don't have to burn anything you don't want to.

Just grab stuff like newspapers, junk mail, um, uh, blankets and, uh, pillows?

Oh, oh.

And our-our Valentine's Day cards from Teddy.

Oh, and here's that picture Tina drew of us!

Oof.

I look like a tweaked-out Muppet.

Please just come down.

The fire's getting low.

All right, all right!

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Aw, egg carton turtle!

- I love you.

(kissing)

- Lin!

I said I'm coming!

- Thank God you guys are back.

- You can burn this.

Unless you have some jazz you want to put in it?

Is that it?

There's more, right?

- Th-This can't be it.

- We picked these alleys clean.

Dad, it's Thanksgiving, not Put Out Your Combustible Trash Day.

Well, I definitely didn't pee on anything usable, - that's for sure.

- Come on, come on.

Let's just see how it burns already!

(all coughing)

-Ugh, you disappoint me, Jazz Bag.

-(door opens)

Got some things, got some things Stuff to burn, but not this little guy He's a turtle, little turtle I can't tell which one of you made him But I love him, he's a cutie.

Didn't Aunt Gayle make that when we did homemade gifts - that one year?

- Oh, yeah.

No, I made it for Mom's birthday.

Oh, God!

Oh, God!

Get it out!

Get it out!

Oh, you're okay.

(blows)

I gotcha now.

Mommy's gotcha now.

All right, the alleys are dead to us.

Um, let me think.

Oh!

Uh, maybe you two would have more luck at a place where wood actually comes from.

Woodstock?

Nice try, hippie.

It's over.

No, Gene.

The woods in the park.

I'll go, too.

The faster we get this bird cooked, the faster we can get to the tree ceremony.

Apologies to everyone for the delay.

- We'll get there.

- Great.

The more hands the better.

And hurry, please.

I'll take over rotation duty.

- (laughs)

Doody.

- Louise.

- Doody.

- No.

- Doody.

- Stop.

Bring back good stuff to burn or don't come back at all!

- Just kidding.

Kinda.

- Bob, do they really have to go?

We've barely been together all day.

Lin, yes, they do.

Well, this isn't how I pictured our Thanksgiving.

Everyone split up and us sitting in a dirty alley, Mad Max style.

Look, I know it's not ideal, but the turkey looks amazing.

The gas being out is maybe the best thing - that's ever happened to us.

- (siren chirps)

- Oh, crap.

- Maybe they're just lost?

Interesting setup you have here.

Oh, thanks.

I mean, Th-this this is okay, right?

I think you already know the answer to that question.

Uh, Bob, right?

Bob's Burgers?

Usually your fires are on the inside.

Uh, yeah.

That was me.

Thanks again for putting those out.

This is totally under control.

I-I followed specific directions from professionals on the Internet, - so - So, Thanksgiving, huh?

Stuffing, am I right?

Wh-What is stuffing?

Just a bunch of stuff?

I mean, what is that crap?

This is just a rare, onetime thing.

The gas is out and we've got nowhere else to cook.

You see, that's a heritage turkey from Riverbrook Lake Farms.

Oh, wow!

A heritage turkey?

- Yeah.

- From Riverbrook Lake Farms?

- Yeah.

- Put this out.

Oh, um, but it actually needs a couple more hours at least This is me being nice, Bob.

If I have to come back, - there will be a lot of water.

- Mm-hmm.

- Your turkey won't like it.

- Mm-hmm.

And neither will you, - because you'll get fined.

- Mm.

- You don't want that.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, so get rid of this whole situation, or else (imitates hose spraying)

- You're doing a hose sound?

- Yep.

- Got it.

- Bye.

Sorry, hon.

Maybe we can hoist the turkey inside and stick a bunch of candles under it.

How long would that take?

Like, a week?

Bob?

- Bob, what are you doing?

- Lin, these embers are holding up.

I mean, once the kids come back with more wood, we can finish roasting this bird before the fire department comes back.

No!

No, no, no.

We can't afford getting any sort of write-ups or tickets.

Unless it's two parking tickets, 'cause I got two parking tickets, by the way.

Sorry.

Lin, I have to do this.

For years, I thought I'd always be just some schlub on a waiting list, and now look.

See how crispy that skin is getting?

See how the juices are starting to flow?

This is my Independence Day, Lin.

And I'm Will Smith, and I'm telling this turkey, "Welcome to Earth.

" And it's saying, "Oh, I like it here.

I'm gonna stay a while.

" And I'm like, "Oh, I'm also gonna cook you and eat you.

" And it's like, "Of course.

You're the boss!" Fine, Bob, calm down!

You're getting your giblets in a twist.

Let's cook this bird.

Yeehaw!

- Oh, my face!

- Oh, God.

Sorry.

(sighs)

This is ridiculous.

We've barely found any sticks.

Somebody must've Blair Witched them all.

Just when you get into sticks, everyone else is into sticks, too.

Lot of beer bottles.

Did the squirrels have a party?

Whoa, whoa.

Guys?

I think we just solved all our problems.

- Whoa.

- Whoa.

(chuckles): Oh, Mama!

Okay, we got to get this thing home.

Let's pick her up.

Tina, Gene?

Go ahead.

(Tina and Gene straining)

- It's too heavy.

- Ugh, fine.

Here, let me help.

One, two, three.

- Okay!

Forget it.

- (Tina and Gene grunt)

We're gonna have to roll this son of a bitch.

Or put a saddle on it and teach it to run.

Easy, girl.

Shh, shh.

(all panting)

(all screaming)

- (all grunt)

- Well, we gave it our best sh*t.

No!

Come on!

(all grunting)

Okay.

This is going pretty good.

(all grunting)

Aah!

Those were just practice rolls.

This is the real deal.

(all grunting)

-(Tina panting)

-I'm so hungry I can't see anymore.

- (grunts)

- We're too weak.

Well, look, we get back, and, Gene, you get your turkey, Tina, you get your tree ceremony, and me, I get my fire.

Everybody wins!

We're rolling this logging log-damned log home, log-damn it!

- Now push!

- (grunting)

- (panting)

- Okay, nice work, everyone.

(exhales)

Now let's take this baby back and be hero !

- It's headed right into traffic!

- (screams)

- No!

- TINA: Oh, my God!

Yeah.

So, like I was saying, let's get this log back and be, um, heroes.

- Cool.

- Great.

What are you doing?

- Putting my socks in the fire.

- Right.

It's starting to get dark out.

Should we go get the kids?

I'm getting worried.

-Yeah, I know.

We need that wood.

-What?

- And also I hope they're safe.

- A tree fell in the forest.

We didn't hear it, but we found it.

Oh, my babies are back.

Oh, wow, that's huge.

- Yeah.

Too huge, actually.

- Wait, what?

It's too big, Louise.

How would I burn that?

And I can't chop it up.

You guys were supposed to get sticks.

Where are the sticks?

This is a mega-stick.

What's happening?

Would you like a suggestion where to stick this log?

- Tina!

- You heard me.

We risked our lives for this thing.

And also possibly other people's lives, but we're not gonna talk about that right now.

Come on, let's light her up!

I need this!

Louise, no.

(sighs)

Oh, we were so close, and now there's only a few embers left.

We've got nothing else to burn.

- Did someone just spit in my eye?

- God?

Oh, crap!

Are you kidding me?!

Well, the day's not a total loss.

We can still go in and do the tree ceremony.

No!

We're not going in, okay?

We can make this work.

We just need to put a tarp over the turkey.

Quick, get a tarp.

Bob, stop it.

We don't have any tarp.

Hold on!

We can still save it!

Look, I-I can make a tent out of my clothes, all right?

I'll take my jacket off.

(grunting)

Aah!

Okay, here we go.

All right.

What else can we burn?

- Everyone, empty your pockets.

- No!

That's enough, Bob.

It's late, and it's raining, and we're all tired and hungry.

Now, I'm gonna go in and make some sandwiches and cold beans for the kids, and you're welcome to join us.

But we're not staying out here anymore, okay?

We're done.

Bye, fire.

You're the best friend I've ever had in my whole life.

Bob?

You coming in or what?

I can't, Linda.

Right.

Fine.

Enjoy your hoity-toity turkey.

- Come on, kids.

- Put a shirt on, Iggy Pop.

Your meaty breasts are reminding us what we're missing out on.

Here, my little chickadees.

Sorry this had to be our Thanksgiving dinner and your father lost his mind - over an expensive turkey.

- It's still Thanksgiving?

When will this nightmare end?!

Oh, it could be worse.

Probably not, though.

Oh, this doesn't feel right.

Us in here and your dad out there.

We should all be together.

(grunting)

- I'll be right back.

- Tina, where you going?

Oh, good.

We're going back outside into the rain again.

Okay, but I'm taking this to go.

- (grunting)

- Dad?

You okay?

(panting): Yeah.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I-I'm just seeing if I can chip away at some of this wet bark and get to the dry wood underneath.

I-I got a few chips off already.

Kinda.

They're mushy.

- Dad.

- Yeah?

Maybe burning this will help.

You're you're-you're giving me your tree?

I know how special this turkey is to you, so here.

Tina, wow.

That's so nice of you.

I-I mean, it's gonna burn really quickly, but it's better than nothing.

Wait.

What the hell am I saying?

Oh, my God.

I've gone nuts, haven't I?

Just a little.

Or a lot.

- I'm not gonna burn your tree, Tina.

- Oh, thank God.

Guys, I-I'm so sorry for acting like a total idiot.

It's just turkey.

I mean, it's a glorious, heavenly, super-special Riverbrook Lake Farms heritage turkey that I'd give my whole life for, but still.

I'm sorry if I ruined Thanksgiving.

I'll-I'll go do Tina's Gratitude Tree.

Oh!

Would you look at that?

It's tree o'clock.

Aw, we love you, Bobby.

Okay, lets go back inside.

Go, go!

Go, go, go, go!

Yeah, okay.

I'll be right there.

- I'm just gonna clean up this - (siren wails)

Oh, crap, they're back.

You must be a big fan of hoses, huh?

- No.

No, no, I'm-I'm really not.

- All right.

Connect the hose, fellas.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no.

I-I was just abou Ow!

- (all gasp)

- (screams)

"I am grateful for the ocean.

" It's always out there, doing its thing.

- Thanks, ocean.

- Great leaf, Mom.

I-I mean, good.

Okay, time for the final leaf.

- Hell yeah!

- Dad?

Bob, stop staring at that thing.

You're torturing yourself.

We should just chuck it.

No, I-I'm not ready to yet.

(clears throat)

Maybe figure it out - after the final leaf, Dad.

- (sighs)

Okay.

My, uh, final leaf says, "I'm grateful the firefighter let us off with a stern warning and not a fine.

" I-I had to write it on both sides.

I think she let you off because your crying made her so uncomfortable.

Right.

Well, I actually have an extra leaf I saved till last because it's the most important one.

-Wha -Final leaf is kind of the final leaf, but I'll allow it.

Okay, so, my final final leaf is that I am grateful for all of you.

- My family.

- Aw.

Family.

- Huh.

- I mean, that one's kind of obvious.

Feels a little basic, to be honest.

Um, I thought we weren't allowed to comment on other people's leaves.

You guys didn't say anything when Gene put up the leaf about his imaginary friend Ken "surviving that fall.

" He's real, and so is his GoFundMe page, which you have donated to generously!

- Wait, what?

- Nothing.

(sighs)

Okay, I'm ready to throw it away.

(sighs)

Oh, Popcorn.

Look at you.

I'm so sorry I failed you.

Huh.

It's not pink.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

LINDA: Bob, what?

What are you saying?

- Mm-hmm.

Mm!

- You choking or happy?

- (laughing): Mm-hmm!

Mm-hmm!

- You choking or happy?

Mm!

Oh, my God.

It's delicious.

- Gimme, gimme!

Mm!

Mm!

- Let me try, let me try.

- Mm!

- Get these sandwiches out of my face!

- I need turkey!

- Oh, my God.

Oh, that's amazing.

You did it, you messy mass of a man!

Dibs on the charred drumstick!

(laughs)

This is the best thing I've ever made!

Including you guys!

Maybe.

- Oh, so hungry.

- Dad, stop crying all over the turkey!

It's gonna make it too salty!

I can't believe you're really mine You're a true gift from heaven And I love you Riverbrook Lake Farms heritage turkey You were fresh k*lled, never frozen Raised in the best conditions Cost five times more than a regular turkey, yeah - I can't believe you're really mine - It's really yours - You're a true gift from heaven - Gift from heaven - And I love you - It loves you, too - I can't believe you're really mine - You paid so much - You're a true gift from heaven - Hallelujah - CHORUS: And I love you.

- BOB: Good night, Popcorn.