05x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

[Steves]

The day of the big harvest today.

I've been doing the old weed farm for, what?

Four years?

- So this is mad.

It's taken a while.

- [knocking at the door]

Who's that?

- Stevie!

What's happening, mate?

- Easy, brother.

You brought all your stuff round?

Remember at the house party you said I could stay here.

- What when we were f*cked?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you said I could stay here, rent free, as long as I want.

Appreciate it, man.

Nice one.

- I'm so excited.

Flatmates!

- I don't really remember Is it still cool to have this for my own room, basically, my bedroom?

- Oh, did I say that as well?

- Yeah.

You said that, you said, "Just have my dead nan's room.

" - OK?

- Cool.

What's he doing in there?

Chabsie?

- What you doing, brother?

- Yeah?

- What you doing?

- Nothing.

Huh?

Just chilling?

Sounded like you were doing loads of banging, sort of [Steves]

I suppose it is his room now.

[ripping]

- Miche!

- Yeah?

For f*ck's sake.

Miche!

Yeah?

- D'you know where my jacket is?

- Your what?

- I said, d'you know where my jacket is?

- It's probably in one of the boxes.

You just unpacking all the packing, then?

I don't think it's in that one.

No.

No, no, no, don't.

It's our last day.

Don't.

There is it.

Nice one.

- Alright, cheers.

- How you feeling?

- Huh?

Yeah, alright.

- Big day today, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Aw, Iove you.

- Aaaw!

- See ya.

- Love you.

- Yeah, see ya later.

- Oh, bless him.

Love you.

- Sweet.

So do I.

[entry phone ringing]

Colonel Beaty of the Second Battalion.

- [Miche]

Huh?

- Huh?

- You talking to me?

- No, I'm talking to Beats.

Alright.

Hello, you there or not?

- Yeah, I'm here.

- Not you!

- OK - Bye, bub, love you.

- Alright, see ya later.

- Bye, bubby!

Enjoy your last day!

- Sad times, innit?

- Yeah.

[Beats]

I've actually prepared a bucket list for Grindah, for our last day together.

It's basically just a list of all the important places for us to pay our respects to.

- Please, sir, after you.

- Nice one.

- Five-star treatment as always.

- Yep.

[producer]

Was it hard to narrow it down?

[Beats]

Very hard to narrow it down but some of them are repeats.

So, if you see there, number seven, same as number four, which is blaze a fat zoot.

I'm gonna miss doing this for you, man.

Yeah.

This might be a bit much but When you're gone do you mind if I sit up front or is that?

Yeah, you can but just don't put the sit back, cos that's very much my thing.

Yeah.

No.

- Don't think I could pull that off.

- Oh!

That's what she said.

That's the sort of sense of humour I'm gonna miss, man.

- [engine starts]

- So where we off to, anyway?

It's a secret, bruv.

But how am I supposed to know where we're driving?

Cos I sent you an itinerary.

- Is it?

To where?

- Yes.

[Beats]

For f*ck's sake, go left.

[Steves]

Still not that dry, really.

I might just fast track it a little bit.

Just to speed up the process a little bit.

[Chabuddy groaning]

What is he doing in there?

- Chabsie?

- No, mate, don't come in.

- Moved the furniture around a little bit.

- Yeah, just What have you done with my nan's bedding?

I threw that out, kinda getting in the way.

Is that a desk?

Yeah, mate, I've got loads of them.

I maxed out my on Wonga loan and now I'm completely investing in this.

I've got it all figured out.

Go hard or go home.

[Chabuddy]

You know they say third time lucky.

Well, this is actually, on record, my 17th business now.

On record, obviously, off record, around 28.

- I'm looking for very low-skilled workers.

- To come in here?

- To come in here and work in here.

- Just cos it's, you know, like - secret location and everything.

- Exactly.

So it's perfect.

This is gonna work, definitely.

It has to work cos I've, literally, sold everything.

Little bit, yeah.

Little bit desperate right now.

What's your phone manner like?

Your phone "equitect"?

- My?

- Phone "equitect".

- Phone "ectuck"?

- No, phone etiquette.

The way you sp I dunno what that is.

- Like, "Hello, my name's Stevie.

" - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, I can do all that.

- Spot on.

- Got the job.

Welcome, OK.

- Sick.

Big day today, it's my last day in the salon.

Oh!

Oh, here she is, Miche.

Miche, this is Miles.

Miles, this is Miche.

He's gonna be taking over from you.

- Lovely to meet ya.

- Very continental.

Yeah, you wanna watch out for this one.

He's a real charmer.

I've already got Tanya telling me all her dirty secrets.

Oh, did you?

About Jeff cheating?

- Do you wanna?

- Get started?

Yeah, OK.

[Miche]

I think when I go, it's gonna leave a huge gaping hole in everyone's lives and that's really sad for them.

[producer]

Is it better to be the one leaving, then?

Yeah, it's definitely better to be the one leaving.

Especially cos all the attention's on you.

It's exciting, you're going and they don't know what's gonna happen next.

So, you can make out you're going somewhere really exciting, whereas, actually, we're going to Pitsea.

- Miles, your first gent is here.

- Oh, lovely.

Hello, hi.

- This is Gary.

- You're in very safe hands, come on.

I'm not sure Miles is ready to do his first client yet, is he?

- [laughing]

- He's only just got here.

Miles used to have his own salon.

Don't worry, don't worry, Gary.

Would you like a drink, my love?

- Oh, I'd love an Americano.

- Americano and a?

- Double G & T.

- [laughing]

Right.

Voila!

Check this out, check this out, check this out!

Of course, with me, Chabuddy G, it's all about branding.

And I put my face on everything, even the business cards.

Complete Tech Heads.

We're up and running, baby.

So, the name, Complete Tech Heads, came from I mean, a lot of people used to say it to me.

I'll be walking down the street and they'd be like, "Tech head!

" And I'd be like, "Why's everyone saying that?

" And then I thought, "Oh, they're saying tech head," that's like, because they know, they see me with my Bluetooth, they see me with my phone.

Anyone with a phone case like that, you can tell he's a complete tech head.

"Bringing your tech back to life.

" Run out of space a bit there.

But that's the slogan.

God, do you remember when this road didn't have speed bumps in it?

Yeah, they were the good days.

Decoy got it to 120 down here once.

- Do you remember that, Decoy?

- Yeah.

Was that in the Mark 1 or was it in this?

I can't remember.

Nah, back then it would have been the Mark 1, yeah.

Mark1, classic motor that, yeah.

- Oh, man.

- Memories.

Getting mad, like, ain't been here for years.

- Right there?

- Yeah.

Get out.

- What we doing here, then?

- You used to hate it here.

- f*cking school, like.

- They used to say I'd amount to nothing.

Now look at me?

f*cking pussyoles.

Certainly.

D'you remember you always said you wanted to graf it up?

- Yeah, should have done, mate.

- Well guess who's in luck?

Perfect opportunity, mate.

Got you this as a little present.

Aww, sick.

Listen, honestly, you give it a go, as a little present to me.

But I thought you'd want to do it as more of an act of revenge.

Yeah, nah, I was thinking that but As soon as I thought that I thought, you do it because it's still revenge if I tell you to do it, so - OK.

- Yeah, just Do it quickly over there.

Just write "f*ck the system" or something.

You sure you don't want me to put your old tag up?

No, don't put my f*cking old tag up!

[Grindah]

My name used to be all over these estates.

All city king, they used to call me.

f*ck's sake.

I did it all.

Straight-letter hand styles.

Chrome and black.

Outlines, fat caps.

- Skinny caps, 15ml, blammers.

- [producer]

What was your graf name?

Oh, God!

OK, then, I'll tell you my graf name and then get arrested for the millions pounds' worth of damage I've done all over London.

f*ck.

Beats, Beats!

Beats!

Yeah, I shouldn't have gone for this font, it's taking too long.

Just leave it at f*ck, come on.

- Is that cool, yeah?

- Yeah, let's go.

Decoy, start the whip, start the whip.

Start the whip!

Get a sh*t of that.

Still a powerful statement, though, innit?

One of the most powerful words known to man.

Tanya, you up to much tonight?

Nothing, really, you?

Nah, me neither, Tanya, not a thing in the diary, yet.

Yeah, I mean, is there anything going on?

- No, I don't think there is.

- No Nothing at all.

It's not like it's a big special day or anything.

[producer]

Will you be giving Miche a good reference?

Oh, of course I will, yeah, yeah.

I mean London's loss is Essex's gain.

Ah!

That's a good reference.

- That is a reference.

- Let's get that on the CV.

I'll put more than that.

I'll do a whole letter.

- Best junior I've had, so - Best what?

Junior.

Yeah, you know.

[Chabuddy]

Here we go, it's Stevie's first day.

- So, Stevie, welcome.

- I'm nervous, actually.

Yeah, it's quite a cool thing.

So, what I've done is I've prepared a script for you.

Take the script.

Why don't we try one?

A little role play.

A little situ, OK?

- Hello, I'm Steven Green - No, no, no.

[posh accent]

Hello!

OK?

Let's try it again.

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

- Hello, I'm Steven Green - No, no, no.

Hello!

Hello!

I couldn't hear you smiling there.

Look, when I say it, you can hear me.

Hello!

Really joyous, just try it.

Hello, I'm Steven Green and I'm one of the Complete Tech Heads.

I was wondering if you have any faulty or broken electronic items that I might be able to help fix for you today?

[feeble accent]

Hello?

I'm really old, how did you get my [coughs] . . number?

I'm dying.

Erm Sorry.

Don't apologise, don't feel sorry for them.

- She's trying to manipulate you.

- I'm not sorry.

Get her credit card details.

Can you give me your credit card details now?

Oh, I don't know about that, love.

- Give me your credit card details.

- Perfect, Stevie.

Perfect.

What we need is cash injection.

We need the guacamole, the pesto, the moussaka, the maricon.

The mascarpone cheese, yeah?

Cash.

- Perfect, Stevie, well done.

- Sick.

Well done.

Your dead nan would be really proud of that.

[Beats]

Last ever drive-thru in Brentford.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Good nourishing meal, though, innit?

- Yeah, it's true.

- You know the order, right?

- Yeah.

I got this.

[intercom]

Hello, can I help?

Yeah, can I get a cheeseburger meal, - 20 nuggets - Yep. . . and a cheeseburger chaser.

Anything else?

- Yeah, everything.

- I need it no sauce.

No sauce, completely dry.

- No sauce, yeah?

- Yeah.

And can I get four cokes as well, please?

Four cokes.

Yeah, that's fine, anything else?

- No sauce.

- Completely dry, all of it.

- OK.

- Thank you.

- Is everything right on the screen?

- No sauce, yeah?

- On all the cheeseburgers?

- Yeah.

It stinks.

- Three with no sauce, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Next window, please.

- Thank you.

- OK, let's go.

- Since hanging around with Grindah, he's banned sauces, basically, so we just have everything completely dry.

I just order two drinks with every meal now.

- You get used to it, really.

- Help it slide down.

Even Decoy doesn't do sauce.

[woman]

That's £11.

62, please.

So my last day in Brentford.

MC Grindah.

Kurupt FM.

Even they don't care anymore.

It's pointless.

Oh, here we go.

[Beats]

Decoy just confirm that they're completely dry, please.

Hello, do you want any sauces with yours?

- No, no sauce.

- No, thanks.

- I don't want my last day to be ruined.

- Thanks.

- See ya later.

- Wait, wait!

We've got to check it first.

- Let's check it.

- Ahh, yes.

- Perfect burger.

- Completely bone dry.

Try that.

Mmm.

Oh, wow!

- Ah, so nice.

- Banging.

Oh, God.

Can I get one of them drinks?

It's really dry.

[chatting indistinctly]

Oh, God!

Ahh.

They haven't made much of a fuss, have they?

When Jackie left there was a home-made banner and everything.

Is there anything going on?

Did they say anything to you?

No.

You mean about you leaving?

Is there gonna be a big surprise later or?

If there was I wouldn't tell ya, would I?

But no.

I don't think there is.

Want me to ask Tanya?

Ahh, your pretending.

Love it.

That's good.

No Genuinely, no one's said anything.

Double bluff.

Brilliant.

Makes it even better surprise when you don't know it's happening.

You worked it out yet?

Not really.

Famous bench.

Oh, yeah, our special bench.

- Aww, the bench.

- The bench.

- I've slept there before.

- Steves has slept there.

Decoy sucked Sharnice from Epsom's tits on there for two hours straight.

- Blaze there.

- But most importantly this bench is part of musical history.

It's where Grindah wrote the lyrics to the infamous - "Monday Is The Day That We Roll".

- It just came to me.

Do you mind if we sit here?

- No problem.

- Oh, good, thanks.

Yeah, we'd kinda like some alone time, please, if that's Oh.

- Quick as you can as well.

- Yeah.

- Please.

- Excuse me.

Nice one.

See ya in a bit.

- [Beats]

It's amazing how your mind works.

- [Grindah]

Yeah, yeah.

Also a little thing people don't notice, I never mention Sunday on it.

I didn't even clock that.

And that's because, of course, Sunday is the day of rest.

So, lyrical metaphor.

Wow, that's just [lighter clicks]

What d'you reckon?

Is that a?

Sort of looks like a four?

"Beats 4 Grindah.

" Yeah, I can't really do the "&" symbol.

It's quite - Will you do something for me?

- What?

Will you do the lyric one final time?

I dunno, man.

Monday is the day that we roll.

Tuesday, we take total control.

Wednesday, take back the track.

Thursday, sit back, relax.

Friday, put down the M-I-C and go to Essex to live with Angel and me.

Saturday, we recommend.

This is the end of Kurupt FM.

f*ck, man.

There you have it.

The last lyric I'll ever spit.

[Beats sighs]

Was that a freestyle?

Yep.

Sort of, I wrote it last night, but Perfect time to release it, innit?

Yeah, it was.

It really was.

Decoy, what'd you think?

Decoy!

Why you standing so far away?

You didn't say anything?

What'd you think?

About what?

About the lyric I just dropped.

It's my last lyric I'll ever do.

Sick, yeah, sick.

Memories.

Where it all began.

Here she is!

Oh, my God!

You shouldn't have made such a big effort!

[Miche]

A good leaving do the main thing is a surprise, cos you want someone to be surprised and excited about it all.

Got to have a banner, to remember why they're there.

Cos it's their leaving do and you're saying goodbye.

No banner this time, then?

No, we didn't go for the banner this time.

Yeah, I can see that.

No, it's fine.

Just open your present.

Gotta have champagne, cake, nibbles and a big night out.

[Miles]

Aww.

- Always handy.

- Thank you pen?

- Don't even have a drink to drink.

- Flowers here, mate.

[Steves]

How dare you.

Sorry, bruvva, there you go.

Hello!

Charlie calling from the Complete Tech Heads and I was wondering if you had any broken, faulty or damaged goods Hello?

When you do it really fast, it's good, cos they don't know what you're talking about.

Hello, I'm Steven Green.

I'm one of the Complete Tech Heads.

I was wondering No, Complete Tech Heads.

Tech.

Hello?

[Chabuddy talks fast]

Hello.

I'm Charlie, calling from the Complete Tech Heads.

I was wondering if you had any broken or damaged goods Hello?

- Who's he on the phone to?

- Who you talking to, Abdi?

- Is that a personal call?

- I'm fixing something.

Got to watch out for that one, man.

- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

- We can go for a drink or - Abdi!

Listen, is that a personal call?

Let me talk to her then.

Don't bullshit a bullshitter, Abdi!

No personal calls at work, I told you!

No personal calls.

Steve is paying for this call.

- Steve is paying for your personal calls.

- Am I paying for this?

Well, yeah, it's your landline, isn't it?

Steve is paying for the phone line at the moment and I'll reimburse him.

- [producer]

Oh, you'll pay him back?

- Yeah, I'll reimburse him, eventually.

With business, very complicated.

There's overflow, charts, profit, loss, net, net come, net, net profit income.

So, after all that, we see at the end of the production line then I can settle the reimbursement then.

But he has to wait, basically.

And if he hasn't got a receipt for it, then, unfortunately, I can't do much about it.

Lovely to meet you, babe.

Good luck.

Good luck to you.

You're gonna need it with this lot, aren't you?

Oh, careful, Miche.

Your flowers.

They're just flowers.

- Come on, then.

- What?

What?

Don't leave like this, Miche.

Come on, you'll regret it.

- Aww!

- [Miles]

Nice cuddle, innit?

[Tanya]

Yeah.

Aww!

- Definitely going to miss her.

- Yeah?

There'll be a distinct lack of wet-look French crops in the area after she goes.

You can save your crocodile tears, Susan.

- I'm not crying.

- Says a lot about you, doesn't it?

[Tanya]

You'll have to teach Sadie those.

I'd love to but it's a Lady Miche trademark technique.

- So I can't give away my secrets.

- [laughs]

Silly.

Come on, Miche.

Miche.

Bye.

Ahh, f*cking hell, love this place.

- It's lovely, innit?

- Iconic blocks.

It is.

- Funny to think this all use to be mine.

- Yeah, man.

Madness.

You lot getting this?

- [producer]

Yeah.

- Yeah.

You getting us from behind, yeah?

So you can see the view and that?

Good.

- Don't cut till Grindah says cut, yeah?

- Yeah.

Kurupt FM, innit, and the rest are irrelevant.

That they are, Beats, mate.

That they are.

OK, cut.

- Cut there.

- Yeah, cut.

Cut there, man.

Decoy, come on.

[sniffling]

Decoy, Decoy!

- Come on.

- Come on, man.

Let's get out of here, man.

[Beats and Grindah sniffling]

- Alright, boys.

- Sad times.

Final curtain and all that.

Has everyone said goodbye to their bedrooms?

Sad day today.

Last day in the house, innit, Angel?

- Bye, door.

- That's it.

[Miche]

It will be difficult once we're gone, cos who will become the next power couple?

I guess it'll Dean Gaffney and his wife, cos they're just down the road in Isleworth, so Yeah, not quite as young and fresh and current as us, but it's still good to have someone there to idolise, I suppose.

Let's go.

Right, Steves, straight to the van.

- You alright with that, yeah?

- Yeah.

- [girl]

Daddy!

- [Roche]

Oh, you [Carol]

I meant to message you, actually.

You might want to get yourself down to the clinic, get a check-up.

What?

What do you mean?

Well, there was a little bit of a crossover from the guys I was seeing.

Best have, yeah?

- No worries.

- Be lucky.

[Grindah]

Cool, good to go.

Where's Beats?

I'm gonna call him.

Hello, Beats, if you get this, I'm leaving, literally, now.

It's your last chance to say bye to me.

Roche, I've got you a tiny present so you don't forget me.

Aww.

Wow.

Michey Moo's Mems box.

Oh, thanks, Miche.

That's great.

I'm not gonna miss the intensity.

And I'm not gonna miss the neediness.

And I'm not gonna miss how much she thinks I'm her friend.

But I will miss her, she's sweet.

Got this little thing for you.

Ahh, my brudda.

- It's from the weed farm.

- Aww, skunk.

- We named the strain after you as well.

- Is it?

- What's it called?

- Grindah.

Fits perfectly.

Thanks, mate.

[producer]

Do you have a lot of hopes for the future, then?

I don't have hopes for the future, really.

The best we can hope for, as humans, is that we keep the robots at bay and we enjoy what little time we have left on this earth, cos it's gonna be short.

Mum, you're crying.

- I've never seen you cry.

- Leave it out, will you?

Miche.

Come on, man.

Hurry up.

- OK.

- Take care, darlin'.

Bye.

Make sure you look after your mum for me, yeah?

[producer]

Are you gonna go see Grindah, Miche and Angel a lot then?

Yeah, if I can.

He's nuts.

He said he's up for seeing me three times a week.

That's quite good.

Roche, you not waiting for Kevin?

He's not answering his phone.

Leave it, it's probably too emotional for him, little pussyole.

[Beats]

Saying goodbye to your best mate is something that you just think would never happen, like.

It's like losing an arm.

Losing my son and my best mate.

It's a double hit for me.

- It's like losing both arms.

- [Steves]

I'll show you back, innit?

I'm going forward.

I'm going forward though?

Keep going.

Chabsie, come back.

- You've got loads of space.

- Stevie, I'm going forward!

Nanny loves you, darlin'.

[Carol]

Love you too, baby.

Bye, Angel!

Bye!

Grindah!

Grindah!

[Steves]

Beats, you just missed him, bruv.

- They gone?

- Literally, just, like We got to get in the car.

Come and get in the car.

[Beats]

Take the shortcut here, Decoy.

Viva la Kurupt, like!

Obviously, b*at's didn't care that much then.

- Don't be sad, bubby.

- I'm not sad.

[car horn beeping]

- My God!

Is that?

- I think it's Decoy.

- [Miche]

Oh, my God, pull over!

- [Chabs]

Beats is in the car with him.

- So romantic, pull over.

Pull over.

- It's Beats.

Get out the way.

Beats!

Beats!

Bruv?

- I was worried sick about you.

- Sorry, man.

I was getting a tattoo.

- What?

- Yeah.

What?

Is that me?

- [Miche]

Oh, my God!

- [Grindah]

That is beautiful.

I love it.

Yeah, yeah.

I got Craig on this leg, it's why it took so long.

Glad you could make it, man.

Glad you're here, mate.

One more thing as well before you go.

It's on the list.

Final set.

I dunno, man.

I already said that I spat my last bar to them.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, hun.

That doesn't matter, does it?

Exactly.

Still have your old set up, Steves?

Good to go, boss.

This is sounding a little bit legendary to me, mate.

You should do it, hun.

You gotta do it.

We should all do it, all of us.

- I'm gonna go to Kurupt?

- Yeah, let's do it.

Let's all go back to Kurupt.

- The rest are irrelevant.

- Exactly.

Free wine!

- No, stop ruining it, Chabsie.

Come on.

- Sorry.

- [Beats]

Here you go, mate.

- Oh, my God!

And all of Kurupt FM's here as well.

[Miche]

This is a proper leaving do.

And you got a banner!

Got you sausage rolls as well for the rider.

- You shouldn't of have.

- Good quality ones as well.

Erm I've known you lot for such a long time.

You mean so much to me, some more than others, obviously.

But, yeah, I dunno what to say.

I just You know, you've never seen me live.

- Selecta, run de riddim.

- We can't wait.

Hold tight, all the zoot blazers inside.

You're in tune to the last ever Kurupt FM set, yeah?

Going live to West London.

[Beats]

I'd say to people just starting out, if you're getting into it because everyone else is doing it, don't.

If you're getting into it because you feel like you've got a calling from, like, the God of music, do it.

[Grindah and Beats MC-ing]

[Grindah]

What's the worst could happen?

Look at us now.

- You could end up like us.

- Exactly.

If you work in, like, Matalan or Carphone Warehouse or whatever, you're not gonna meet brahs like Steves.

You're not gonna meet brahs like completely silent but quite deadly like Decoy.

You're not gonna meet tiny little fantasies.

You're not gonna meet f*cking ugly, crazy, freaks like Chabuddy.

[Grindah]

Every one of these people - makes us who we are today.

- Exactly.

- Everybody ring me.

- Brrrr-brrr!

- When I come down as - Brrrr-brrr!

- Kurupt FM.

- Brrrr-brrr!

- Call my number.

- Brrr-brrr-brrr!

[Chabuddy]

Kurupt FM will live on.

It's like a myth.

Did it even Did Kurupt FM even exist?

It's become like folklore.

People whisper, "Oh, Kurupt FM, what happened to those geezers?" [Grindah and Beats MC-ing]

[Grindah]

Yeah, I'm pleased with what we accomplished.

We've done everything we wanted to do.

We've been doing this sh*t for 15 years, yeah?

Day in, day out, we're the same people, same tunes.

Same lyrics.

I think it's safe to say that Kurupt FM has reached [together]

Legendary status.

Yeah?

And if you don't like that then you can f*ck off.