03x08 - A Jewish Girl Walks Into the Apollo...

[bunniefuu]

- (BELL DINGS)

- Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom - Mr.

Sandman - You know, when we have kids, we're gonna have to go home at night.

What?

Who says?

The We Are Not Shitty Parents Handbook.

- That commie rag.

- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- Our kids are gonna be cool kids.

- Club kids.

- Daylight will hurt their eyes.

- Vampire kids.

They'll talk in slang and fall asleep to Charlie Parker.

- Rehab kids.

- Every kid will want to be our kid.

You know, I saw Taffy and Dell's baby the other day.

- Yeah?

How was it?

- Big, loud.

Needy.

Like Dell.

If his parenting skills are anything like his softball skills, that kid is going down.

- A lot.

- Their nursery was beautiful, though.

They painted Babar on the ceiling and Eloise on the walls.

- Ours will be better.

- Really?

I'm gonna get the real Babar and shove his ass in the closet.

That won't be too traumatizing for her.

Or him.

(MOUTHING)

- What?

- We have the apartment now.

Plenty of space, parents right upstairs, always around to babysit - Always around.

- You're doing great at work.

- Money's coming in.

- Dresses are coming in faster.

You think maybe it's time?

Hmm.

I don't know.

We're close.

It might be time to get serious about trying, though.

- Uh-huh.

- I mean really trying.

I could stay home from work all next week and try a lot.

Every ten to 15 minutes if you want.

Talk about chutzpah.

And we will try till we get it right.

And I am nothing if not a perfectionist.

Pay the check, please.

If we have to stay in that froufrou bedroom of ours for the next six months trying, we will.

No food, no water, just a whole lot of trying.

- Leave a good tip.

- I always do.

Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant.

Ooh, hey, a cab.

- I'll get it.

- Did you say you're pregnant?

Midge?

Are you serious?

Wait, am I the father?

RADIO HOST: It's now or never.

MIDGE: All the tour dates have changed, so I need to remake the kids' schedule.

I could have Mrs.

Moskowitz do it.

I can make the schedule for the kids, Joel.

Okay, fine.

Make the schedule.

Here's this month's money.

Now, what do we do about Collegiate?

It's an amazing school, and Ethan got in.

- We throw a party, right?

- Really?

- That's your answer?

- It's what we wanted.

It's what we wanted two years ago.

- Things are different now.

- Ethan at Collegiate.

Esther at Brearley.

That was the plan.

Look, it's great he got in, but let's face it.

Collegiate's not cheap.

And we're both working now, and we're both working nights.

Once this club opens, I'm f*cking Dracula.

You're on tour, and even when you get back What are you saying, Joel?

I think we should consider putting him in school in Queens.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't ready.

Let me get a sip of water so I can do a proper spit take.

- Midge - If anything calls for a spit take, it's the words "school in Queens".

Collegiate's on the Upper West Side.

No one in our family lives - on the Upper West Side.

- Have you heard of a car?

I am gonna be at the club every night once it opens.

Ethan starts school in fall.

Where are you in the fall?

Let me see.

My, we have discovered a flair for the dramatic, haven't we?

Dusseldorf, Frankfurt, Zurich, Stockholm.

Great.

So, I'll take him, you pick him up?

Joel, our children cannot go to school in Queens.

- Why?

- Because Queens.

- Need a little more.

- He has to go to the best school.

He has to be with the bright kids, or he won't live up to his potential.

They say he's advanced.

- Ethan?

- Yes.

Our Ethan?

- Yes.

- Who says that?

- They.

- Who's they?

- Them.

- Advanced.

Ethan?

They said he shows promise.

- "Promise" I can buy.

- But, Joel, "promise" can turn into potential at Collegiate.

If he goes to Queens U, "promise" turns into, "Move it, pal, forklift coming through".

First of all, if he gets into Queens U at five, he's definitely advanced.

And second, I'm not the bad guy here.

Think practically for a second.

I have to move out of the factory soon or it's just weird.

I should find an apartment close to the club, so we can put him in a school in Chinatown if we want him to be behind in two languages.

His grandparents live in Queens.

Both sets.

And somebody should be with the kids at night.

You had to pick now to open the club, right?

- Great timing.

- Hey.

Sorry about the timing, but if you remember, you were supposed to be in the homestretch of your tour by now.

No one told me to add two months so Shy could have a breakdown.

It wasn't a breakdown.

He was exhausted.

And if Ethan goes to school in Queens and later finds out he got into Collegiate, he will hold it against us.

- We won't tell him.

- Someday he will date a girl whose father is the head of Collegiate admissions, and he will mention that they were very disappointed that we didn't put him in when he got accepted, and then we won't be invited to the wedding.

How's he gonna meet this girl?

He'll be in Queens.

He'll go into the city.

- We won't let him.

- He'll find a way.

We won't tell him there's a city.

You don't think he's gonna know there's a city?

- Won't he read?

- He goes to school in Queens.

Odds are fifty-fifty.

Do you think this bit is helping things?

I don't want to fight.

I want him to go to Collegiate, too.

I want him to be with the advanced kids.

But I can't afford it, and we don't live there anymore.

We don't have to decide this now.

sh*t.

I have to So do I.

- Oh, listen, I need a favor.

- Hmm?

Talk to Imogene for Archie.

The guy's drowning, and she just won't melt.

- He's still at your place?

- Yes.

He's driving everybody crazy.

Plus, he's an insurance hazard.

There's not a pole in the place he hasn't slammed into.

What's she still so mad about?

Did he No, no.

He's done nothing, I swear.

He said to tell Imogene he misses her, and they can go to the Poconos every year for Christmas if she'll just let him come home.

Please?

Okay.

I'll talk to her.

But I'm gonna leave the Poconos out for now.

Archie has suffered enough.

RADIO HOST: It's 11:15 in the morning here in New York City.

1010 WINS.

And here are The Crew-Cuts with "Sh-Boom".

("SH-BOOM" BY THE CREW-CUTS PLAYING)

Oh, life could be a dream I didn't pay.

Sorry.

Here.

I'm gonna be a father!

(CHUCKLES)

I'm the only one that you love Life could be a dream, sweetheart.

"One rarely sees anything as mystifying as the production of Miss Julie that took place last night at the Barrymore Theatre.

The experience was almost as if McSorley's closed early and its inebriated patrons wandered over, found a copy of Strindberg's play, dropped their pants and defecated on it".

(LAUGHS)

"The performance was so debased that one could almost recommend it as an archeological exploration into the decay of modern society.

However, despite the braying jackasses delighting in Ms.

Lennon's bizarre improvisations, this production of Miss Julie will be closing tonight, one night after it opened".

- Jackie.

- What?

You think I don't already know this sh*t?

Shut the f*ck up.

They say there is no bad press.

That in your hand is some grade A bad press.

All right, f*ckers.

This is it.

Washington Square Park is to the left if you give a sh*t.

Hot water's out again.

I'm gonna go check the water heater.

Jesus, nobody wants to leave this apartment?

(PHONE RINGING)

(SUSIE SIGHS)

Hello.

Hey, Suz.

Listen, I have something I need to tell you.

A-Are you sitting down?

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Yeah.

Mom's dead.

Oh, Jesus.

You scared me for a minute, Tess.

Didn't need to be sitting for that.

What happened?

- Her liver strangle her in her sleep?

- No.

She tried to crawl out of the window of the nursing home to go find some booze, and she fell.

- sh*t.

- Three stories.

f*ck.

Bad way to go.

No.

No, she survived the fall, but then she rolled off the dock into the water.

- So she drowned?

- No.

She was dog-paddling back to the docks and got hit by a boat.

Holy Christ.

But she survived that.

They got her out, took her to a hospital, and she got an infection.

I'm sorry, is she dead yet?

Yep.

Choked on the meds.

Well, lady sure knew how to make an exit.

Now we got to figure out the house.

I don't really give a sh*t about that hellhole, - to be perfectly honest.

- You know, she left it to us.

What?

I-Impossible.

I'm going over her will.

It says, "The house goes to the girls, 'cause my piece of sh*t son looks and smells just like his father".

(CHUCKLES): Boy, she really hated Artie.

(CHUCKLES): Remember when she tried to convince him he wasn't really hers and he should go find his real family?

He was gone for a whole week.

Yeah.

That was fun.

All right, look, I got to go.

Uh, we'll figure something out.

- Drink something, and I'll call you later.

- Yeah.

Hey, we ever gonna tell Chester there's no hot water and no hot water heater?

f*ck, no.

(BOTH LAUGH)

At the Button Club, gentlemen, we will be known as the spot with the best drinks, the best bartenders, the best entertainment.

Anyone who waters down the goods, they hit the pavement.

Anyone skims from the till, they hit the pavement.

I ordered five minutes ago.

Why am I not drinking yet?

Last crate.

Uh-huh.

Hey, has Midge talked to Imogene yet?

I haven't heard anything, and I don't want to call her if she hasn't, because when I call she hangs up.

And it's a real hang-up, like a "bam", Midwestern dairy farmer type slam.

It's terrifying.

- Joel?

- What?

Midge?

Imogene?

Oh.

I don't know.

Hey, would you mind holding down the fort for a few minutes?

I just want to make sure the fuse box is secure so we don't have any surprise blackouts.

Sure.

Mm.

- Excuse me, could you - I'm married!

- I just had a question - I love my wife!

Mm-hmm.

I want to go home.

(LOUD CHATTER)

(CHATTER STOPS)

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted you all to know that my club will be opening a week from today, and you're all invited.

There's gonna be good drinks, ambiance, music, so come on down.

Or up, actually.

Oh, and, uh, I was hoping that maybe someone could get a message to Mei Lin?

I haven't seen her for a while.

We, um, had a fight.

You don't need to hear the details, but I was an idiot.

I tried to call her, but the number she gave me isn't hers anymore or was never hers.

I don't know her address.

I know she's in medical school, but I don't know which one.

Actually, I don't really know anything about her.

Except she's got these great eyes.

And she's smart and funny.

She's incredibly mysterious, which is frustrating and a little sexy.

I'm sure you're all thinking, "How could he know so little about the person he's dating?" It's strange.

Clearly, she doesn't want me to know a lot about her life, and, frankly, my life's been a mess this past year, so I wasn't too eager to share, either.

I was married, and I cheated on my wife, which is not something you want to tell your new girlfriend.

Not that she's my girlfriend.

I don't know what she is.

Anyhow, if you could let her know all this, I'd be grateful.

This opening is a pretty big deal for me, and it won't be the same if she's not there.

Oh, and really stress that eyes thing.

I think she'll like that.

Thanks.

(LOUD CHATTER RESUMES)

- Goulash.

- Thank you, Zelda.

- Sour cream.

- Thank you, Zelda.

Noodles.

Don't forget the noodles.

Thank you, Zelda.

Do you see a pattern here?

- What time is it?

- 7:36.

- Four minutes left on my break.

- MOISHE: Hmm.

What, Moishe?

MOISHE: Oh, nothing.

I know you said the written word can change the world.

Well, I just looked outside, and so far, it's exactly the same.

- Oh, boy.

- MOISHE: You know, Abe, when my father came over here from the old country, he wanted a little goat farm.

Who knows why.

The man was convinced goats were the future.

We lived in a tenement on Rivington 12 people, two rooms and yet this man wanted goats.

He pushed a cart.

He sold pickles.

But he wanted goats.

- You got to pass the noodles.

Quickly.

- MOISHE: In the end, the man dies out on a sidewalk, pickle in his hand, nothing in his pocket.

No goats.

Is there a point, Moishe?

Really?

He'd stopped.

It was over.

Sometimes what you want, what you get two very different things.

Don't worry, though.

I am on the lookout.

The minute I see that the world is changing, you'll be the first to know.

But for now, your goat is a pickle.

- WOMAN: Zelda?

- Oh, I have to go.

See you tomorrow.

- WOMAN: Zelda!

- He's right.

- He's never right.

- (DOOR OPENS)

I don't know what I thought was going to happen - with that article.

- It's only been a week.

You know what the op-ed in the Times is about today?

The expl*si*n of the deer population on Staten Island.

Oh, Abe.

Lubricious, fornicating deer.

What should be done?

You cannot let Moishe get in your head.

I absolutely forbid it.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Getting excited over an article, like I won an honorary fireman's badge in elementary school.

I've made a decision, Rose.

- Mm.

- I am going to tutor.

- Tutor what?

- Idiots.

The city's teeming with them.

Toss a rock, hit an idiot.

I'll tutor, I'll coach, I'll substitute teach.

Anything.

This stops now.

I am going to get serious, and I am going to get us out of this house.

MOISHE: It's 7:39 in the evening, and the world is still exactly the same.

(BAND PLAYING "I'M SHAKIN'")

When you touch my hand and talk sweet talk I got a knockin' in my knees and a wobble in my walk And I'm tremblin' And I'm shakin' Holy sh*t, it's a nightclub.

You did it, pal.

You think those ceiling tiles are gonna stay up?

I used every roll of Scotch tape I could steal from the office, so hope so?

Thanks, Archie.

Really.

I couldn't have done it without you.

No, you could've.

But you would've had to buy the tape.

How do I look?

Do I look like I'm in charge?

Mrs.

Moskowitz looks like she's in charge.

Yep.

I should've worn a brooch.

Attracting quite a crowd here tonight.

Comes over me Excuse me a minute.

And I'm sweatin' And I'm shakin' - I see you got my message.

- I did.

Apparently you said something weird about my eyes.

You look beautiful tonight.

- I brought you something.

- Oh, yeah?

Little opening night gift.

And I'm shakin' 'Cause you're gonna run out.

Feel like I've been run through the mill I can't move around, and I can't stand still - I missed you.

- Well, remember that next time you're an idiot.

Ah, so they told you I was an idiot.

I did not need to be told.

Samson was a mighty good man You will do anything for a roll of toilet paper.

Strongest in his day Then along came Delilah and clipped his wig And it looks like you took me the same old way So I'm nervous And I'm shakin' Mrs.

Maisel.

My goodness.

This is a surprise.

Hello, Mrs.

Moskowitz.

- Good turnout, huh?

- It is.

Mr.

Maisel worked very hard on the place.

- I'm so proud of him.

- (MEN LAUGHING)

Oh, it's a $1.

50 cover charge.

Eh, we'll catch you on the way out, Grandma.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid that's not going to work.

But luckily, my nephew plays Triple-A ball for the Yankees.

He's a wonderful coach.

- I'll be at the bar.

- MOSKOWITZ: Philly!

That one's on the house.

Shakin' Oh, no.

That's a nickel, dear.

Oh, sorry.

Shakin', shakin', shakin' Shakin', yeah.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Thanks, everyone.

We'll be back after a short break.

Come with me.

- What?

Where?

- (MUSIC PLAYS OVER JUKEBOX)

Midge, you're here.

Of course I'm here.

You think I'd miss this?

Thank you, really.

I'd like you to meet someone.

Mei, this is my ex-wife, Midge.

Midge, I'd like you to meet Mei.

- You were married?

- What?

You didn't tell her you were married?

No, I did.

Of course I did.

You knew that I was married.

- Nope.

- Yes.

Wow, Joel.

Wow.

Now, hold on just a second here.

- I absolute - (MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)

- (PATRONS GROANING)

- sh*t.

Just a momentary problem, folks.

Can you just give me one second?

MAN: Man, I just bought a drink.

JOEL: I'm fixing it.

Relax.

- Archie.

- ARCHIE: I love my wife!

Oh, coming.

I knew he was married.

- I figured you did.

- Good bluff.

Back at you.

So, you're the girlfriend.

And you're the wife.

I'm going to be a doctor.

I'm gonna play the Apollo.

(PATRONS MURMURING ANGRILY)

MAN: Music!

Natives are getting restless.

Excuse me.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

- Uh, I'm Midge Maisel.

- (MURMURING QUIETS)

- Mrs.

Maisel onstage.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Hey, thanks.

I haven't played my hometown for a while.

I've been touring with Shy Baldwin for a few months, so (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Nice to know that people haven't forgotten me.

- (LIGHT LAUGHTER)

- You haven't forgotten me.

My kids have completely forgotten me.

- (LAUGHTER)

- They've gotten very jaded having a mother in show business.

I-I showed up the other day.

My daughter pointed to her diaper and said, - "Sweetie, would you get this?" - (LAUGHTER)

Then she lit her cigarette, refilled her daiquiri bottle and fired her agent.

And now both her parents are in the biz.

Oh, yeah.

This is what happens when you leave.

Remember the first time?

(LAUGHTER)

In case you don't know, this club is owned by my again soon to be ex-husband, Joel Maisel.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

And I am here tonight to say - that half's mine.

- (LAUGHTER)

I'm kidding.

Always take the side with the bathroom.

(LAUGHTER)

- Joel is a great father.

- CROWD: Aw.

And I just wanted to get up here and tell him that, because we had a little tiff earlier this week about our son.

Our five-year-old just got into Collegiate, and it costs so much, we have to sell him for parts - to get the tuition.

- (LAUGHTER)

My daughter is watching this process very nervously.

It's so hard to raise kids when you're married.

It's really hard to raise kids when you're divorced.

But it's not that hard to raise them - when their dad's a great guy.

- CROWD: Aw.

But, Joel, there's no f*cking way our kids are going to school in Queens.

I'll burn this f*cking place to the ground.

- Have a great time, everybody.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And drink up.

All proceeds go to Collegiate.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

("'TAIN'T WHAT YOU DO" BY JIMMIE LUNCEFORD PLAYING)

'Tain't what you do It's the way that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the way that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the way that you do it That's what gets results Mama, mama 'Tain't what you do It's the time that you do it - (HORN HONKS)

- 'Tain't what you do It's the time that you do it - Sorry.

- 'Tain't what you do It's the time that you do it That's what gets results - Oh - You can try hard - Don't mean a thing - Don't mean a thing - Take it easy - Breezy Then your jive will swing Oh, it ain't what you do It's the place that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the place that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the place that you do it That's what gets results (SEWING MACHINES WHIRRING)

Hello, Bernice.

I've missed you.

Hi.

Hello, girls.

Hi.

Manny.

You on a break again?

How do you define "break"?

'Tain't what you do It's the way that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the way that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the way that you do it That's what gets results Mama, mama 'Tain't what you do It's the time that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the time that you do it 'Tain't what you do It's the time that you do it That's what gets results Paulette, hi.

- Have you seen Moishe?

- Over there.

He's over there.

Do you notice anything, anything at all?

Just throw it out there.

- They don't match.

- They do not match.

So, you see, you would need to find a very specific person to wear these sleeves, right?

A person whose - Arms don't match?

- Exactly.

Now, I am not saying that this person does not exist, but the market is probably small, so why don't we Make the sleeves match.

You should be running this place.

Hello, Moishe.

Well, well, well, Miriam.

This is a surprise.

I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd drop in.

- What did he do?

- Who?

- My son.

- Nothing.

I just came here to talk a little business.

- With me?

- Yes.

You need a dress?

Always, but that's not why I'm here.

I want to buy my apartment.

- I'm sorry?

- Do you still own it?

- Your apartment?

- Yes.

The apartment I bought for you and Joel that apartment?

- That's the one.

- I do.

How much?

- Explain.

- Well, as you know, my career's really taking off now.

- Your career as what?

- As a comedian.

But you can't tell a joke.

We tried that.

It didn't work.

Be that as it may, I have been working steadily for a year now.

I have a chunk of a down payment already saved.

I have not spent a dime of my earnings.

My manager has been holding onto all of my money, so I assure you, none of it is going to hats.

Are you and Joel getting back together?

No, we are not.

Then why do you want the apartment?

For me.

For my kids.

For my family.

Hold on.

By "family", you mean Mama and Papa will stay with me until they're settled.

You have officially piqued my interest.

What do you think?

Does Joel know about this?

Moishe, this is not about Joel.

This is about me.

I want to decide where my children grow up and where they go to school.

I love that apartment.

I want to own it.

I want to buy it with my money that I earned.

Do you have any collateral?

My contract with Shy Baldwin.

It lays out everything.

Six months in Europe, a variety special in spring, a Christmas special in December, both with guaranteed spots for me.

Christmas special, like with Bob Hope?

Yes, but without Bob Hope.

Bob Hope does great specials.

This will be a great special, just without Bob Hope.

If it's a Christmas special, it should really have Bob Hope.

What do you think, Moishe?

I want you to know that I never liked what my son did to you.

You were a good girl.

I will never understand what was going through his head.

I don't want any favors, Moishe.

I don't want pity.

I don't expect you to sell the apartment to me cheap - just because I'm family.

- But it would be nice.

Well, sure.

I mean, your son did dump me, and I am family.

Okay, that was a little funny.

So Moishe what do you say?

ANNOUNCER: 60 seconds to go in the fourth round.

The usual?

MAN: There's no way Patterson's gonna win.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Not too much, now.

I want it to look clean and cool, like Miles.

Your hair looks the same whether he makes it clean and cool or he closes his eyes and hacks away.

- Like Miles - (LAUGHTER)

HENRY: Shut up, Billy.

You're a jealous old man.

Yeah.

I'm the jealous old man who's paying for these haircuts.

Yeah, well Touché.

If I tell him to stop right now, you'll have half a head done.

Good.

That's good.

I look good.

Don't I look good?!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Hey, Susie, what's happening?

- Patterson's going down.

- That was not the question.

But it's gonna be the outcome.

Stop moving so the man can finish.

What kind of rush are you in?

There's nothing up there for him to cut.

There is grooming to be done.

I'm not an animal like you.

Susie!

Ingo's a Viking.

Vikings win.

That's why you see so many Vikings walking around nowadays.

I got five bucks says the Viking goes down.

- You're on.

- I got ten that says he doesn't.

Ingo will k*ll Patterson again.

Eat him and sh*t out his leg whole.

Wow.

You do talk pretty.

- I'll take that bet.

- You already bet me ten.

- I can bet more than one person.

- With whose paycheck?

Hey, ladies, can we get a little quiet in the beauty parlor?

There's a g*dd*mn fight on.

- Smoke this.

- Why?

Did we f*ck?

You know, you are a very tense person.

I just thought when you said we were gonna listen to the fight, that we were gonna, you know, listen to the fight.

And catch up before the tour.

So, Susie Myerson and Associates Is your client ready?

We're having a conversation now?

- Is she ready?

- Yeah.

She'll be shopping right up until curtain, but, yeah.

She's ready.

So, what happened with you and Sophie Lennon?

Nothing.

I made a bad call.

- It won't happen again.

- Sure, it will.

I've been there.

- Remember Nate Green?

- Who?

I thought he was gonna set the world on fire.

Instead, he set a liquor store on fire.

I still take him smokes in Attica once a month.

- sh*t.

- Yeah, you live, you learn.

But you and Midge, you're getting along?

Yeah.

Considering she's gonna make me rich, we're getting along fine.

She's gonna make you rich?

Have you read your new contract?

It's just the beginning, pal.

You'll see.

There is no one like her in the world.

She's like my dirty, sparkly, good f*cking fairy.

- Uh-oh.

- What?

You really believe in this girl.

Aren't I supposed to?

- Smells like trouble.

- Why?

Just means you can't be objective.

Oh, believe me, I can be objective.

- Mm.

- I know when she sucks.

I know when she's an assh*le, or dressed like a mental patient.

She's incredibly high maintenance.

I had to learn how to sew on sequins in the dark.

(REGGIE CHUCKLES)

She's always late.

You got to feed her every two hours like a f*cking parking meter.

sh*t.

I can't get Shy to eat anything.

That boy exists on coffee, gin and compliments.

I don't know how he has the energy.

- (CHUCKLES)

- He's always been like that.

Flashy, jumpy.

But he can sing.

Like no one else in the world.

That's objectively speaking, right?

Yeah.

It's a strange job, managing another person's career.

You think you're so important, and then suddenly, you're running around Utah looking for the kind of toothpaste Shy likes.

Who the f*ck listens to Shy in Utah?

(LAUGHS)

Now, don't get me wrong.

I'm not complaining.

There's good times and bad times.

When Shy's first record went gold (GRUNTS)

that was a good time.

It's nice when they shine.

You get to share in that, shine a little yourself.

But then when they do bad things, and then you do bad things - What bad things?

- Things you don't want to do.

But you have to.

You hate it.

You do it.

And then you get paid.

(MEN CHEERING)

Oh, sh*t!

I do not believe this!

- What?

Don't believe what?

- HENRY: Patterson knocked out the Viking.

What?

He what?

BILLY: Fifth round.

Left hook.

- Boom!

- Sent him to Valhalla.

SLIM: The man still hasn't gotten up.

BILLY: Why are you so happy?

You just lost.

SLIM: You gotta admire a job well done.

Okay, Henry, now you won, and I owe you this debt, but I am still in charge of the rest of your life, so this next moment will officially define our relationship.

You don't have to pay me.

- It's fine.

- Excellent definition.

Nothing beats fear when it comes to gambling.

(LAUGHTER)

You okay?

You look like you're on a plane.

Yeah.

I'm just I mean, he had him in round two.

He had him.

Ah Susie lost some money!

(MEN EXCLAIMING)

(LAUGHTER)

How much you lose?

Come on, I lost, too.

I mean, I didn't have to pay, but I still lost.

How much did you lose?

Hey!

How much did Susie lose?

SLIM: Don't look at me.

Come on, who'd you bet with?

I'll take care of it.

Who'd you bet with?

It's not a big deal.

How much did you lose?

I'm good.

Susie, how much did you lose?

I'm fine.

I have a meeting.

I have to go.

MAN: Hey, we won big.

- Let me borrow some so I can pay him.

- (DOOR CLOSES)

Somebody used the fondue pot for something other than fondue.

Now, I'm not saying it was you, but it was f*cking you.

Hey, you okay?

(CRYING)

(SOBBING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Rose.

Oh, my God.

I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, I'm dying.

Dying.

- Do you need this?

- Why, no.

Good.

You'll never believe it.

I can't believe it.

No one around me can believe it.

Slow down, Corinne.

You'll bite your tongue.

- It worked.

- What worked?

- Shira, my daughter, is engaged.

- What?

To the veterinarian.

One date.

That's all it took.

When she told me, I was so stunned that I agreed to pay for a wedding in Hawaii.

Hawaii.

- Who the hell do we know in Hawaii?

- (GASPS)

No one.

Who cares?

She wants grass skirts and ukuleles and I'm not arguing.

She's getting married.

Wait.

Sit there.

For you.

A token of my gratitude.

Your Steuben glassware I noticed you always admired them when you came over.

- I can't.

- I insist.

They must be worth a fortune.

Do you know what I would've paid to see my daughter married off?

Anything.

Here, take my wedding ring.

No.

The glasses are plenty.

I have been crowing all over the neighborhood.

Bragging.

I told Judy Kramer that it was all your idea and she asked for your number.

- Why?

- Her daughter.

You know, the tall one with the face?

Oh, yes.

Poor thing.

To look like that and be tall enough for everyone to see.

Well, she was working in Toronto for a few months.

She just came back gorgeous.

- What?

- Stunning.

No idea.

Only now, she has an ugly girl's personality in a pretty girl's body, and everybody is confused.

- Well, that can be tricky.

- Like Hedy Lamarr, - but she falls a lot.

- Well, she's not used to heels.

Judy doesn't know what to do with her, and she thought, with your matchmaking skills, you could help.

I told her, of course you could help.

Word of Shira has swept the garden club like wildfire.

My goodness.

You are going to be a busy lady.

Okay.

I saw you.

You have the glasses.

I have to go.

- What's poi?

- I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

You're a genius.

Thank you for the glasses.

I may actually have a grandchild.

That's worth more than all the glasses in the world.

You sure you don't want the ring?

- I'm sure.

- Okay.

See you later, Rose.

See you later.

WOMAN (OVER P. A. ): Dr.

Thomas to Intensive Care.

Morning, Donna.

I know I'm behind, but there's a very good explana Oh, boy.

Rose.

Again.

What a nice surprise.

Again.

Benjamin, have I got a girl for you.

- A - Judy Kramer's daughter.

- Judy who?

- Judy Kramer.

- Your mother knows her.

Anyhow.

- Oh, good.

Her daughter very bright, like you; very tall, like you.

She used to look terrible, but now she's beautiful, though still very clumsy, which I think will work nicely because it's a little weird.

Get it?

Weird?

Rose, it is very sweet of you to think about this, - but really, I'm doing just - Miriam doesn't have to be the last girl for you.

I was right once.

- I can be right again.

- Rose, I promise you, I'm fine.

- You know, you won't be this handsome forever.

- Well, I have a painting in my attic that would prove otherwise.

See?

Clever.

Judy's daughter's clever, too.

I know I'm right about this.

Rose, I really have to get back to bleeding people.

Oh, okay.

We don't have to decide this right now, but Excuse me.

Here.

You'll know where to find me when you're ready.

Don't wait too long to be happy.

- - (HORN HONKS)

Taxi!

MAN: Hey, assh*le.

WOMAN: Oh Excuse me, sir.

Did you throw a tomato at me?

If you did, I assume it was an accident, and I'm willing to accept an apology.

MAN: I apologize.

- ABE: Rose.

- Oh, my!

Abe.

You scared the living daylights out of me.

What on earth?

What happened to you?

The most wonderful thing.

Wonderful?

Your nose is bleeding.

A man threw a tomato at me.

- He what?

- Three tomatoes, actually.

He threw three tomatoes at me point blank.

- Abe - I gave him a chance to apologize.

- He didn't take it, so I pushed him.

- You what?

I physically put my two hands on his chest and pushed him.

And then, he pushed me back, so I pushed him back.

And then he pushed me back, and before I knew it, we were fighting!

Well, sort of.

It was more of a freeform grapple than actual fisticuffs, but we scuffled like dandies, and fell in the street.

We almost got hit by a garbage truck, but it was going very slowly, so we managed to roll out of the way.

Abe, this is terrible.

You were assaulted by a stranger.

No, Rose, not a stranger.

David Merrick.

David Merrick?

Who is that, a gangster?

Kind of.

He's a Broadway producer.

And, Rose he read it.

David Merrick read my piece, and he despised it.

His assistants, too.

They pushed me around a little, as well.

They hate me.

They all absolutely hate me.

Well, terrific.

Don't you understand?

My piece it got to them.

My words incited theater people, people who make a living sitting down.

It incited them to get up and commit an act of physical v*olence!

Abe, I think this must have been a very underripe tomato, and it hit you in the head.

You are possibly concussed.

No.

Rose, it was a perfectly ripe, beautiful tomato.

It would have made a wonderful salad.

And instead, it was meant for me.

Can I please take you to the doctor?

Moishe was wrong.

His father should have opened that goat farm.

And the written word it's going to change the world.

Here we go, Rosie.

Moishe!

Buy a goat!

The world is changing!

MOISHE: Don't come in here!

- I'm not wearing pants.

- ABE: Pants be damned.

(LAUGHING)

Well, this is lovely, isn't it?

Perfect weather, like out of a movie.

And in this movie, what does the spunky brunette want to talk to the little blonde dish about?

What do you mean?

The brunette just wanted to spend time with the dish, and - Archie wants to come home.

- Oh, I knew it.

Imogene, he's dying.

Give him a break.

You know, when we first started dating, Archie would sit outside my house for hours.

The police never arrested him because, you know, he's Archie.

- He looks like a choirboy.

He was a choirboy.

- Oh.

He's got a lovely baritone, by the way.

But they would shoo him off.

And the next day, he'd be right back there, sitting in the tree next to my bedroom window.

Romantic.

With just a hint of creepy.

I thought he'd be in my tree forever.

He will be.

Imogene, really, do you honestly think that Archie would Stay out every night doing God knows what with God knows who?

He was painting walls and sanding floorboards with Joel.

Oh, is that what they're calling it these days?

- Imogene - Painting walls.

- Seriously - Sanding floorboards.

- Okay.

- He wasn't fixing up Joel's club.

He was imagining what it would be like to not have a family, to not have three children, to not be married to me.

That's what he was doing every night, with Joel.

Okay, maybe for a moment, but, Imogene, he is miserable.

He wants nothing more than to come home.

I would not be standing here saying this if I did not believe it with my whole heart.

- Really?

- Yes.

You, who had her husband walk out on her, who saw her whole life blow up in her face, you honestly believe that if I let him come back, all will be well, and nothing like what happened to you will ever happen to me?

Yes, Imogene, I absolutely do.

Okay.

("FEELING GOOD" BY NINA SIMONE PLAYING)

Fish in the sea You know how I feel River running free You know how I feel Blossom on the tree You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good My name is Imogene Cleary.

We're not open yet.

Hi.

Hello.

- Nice club.

- Thanks.

Doesn't smell like anyone's pissed in it yet.

- Oh, they have.

- Okay.

- Can I come in?

- Uh It's important.

Okay.

Sure, come on in.

(JOEL SNIFFLES)

You okay?

Your eyes are Oh, yeah.

I have, uh, bird allergies.

Could I maybe have a drink?

Okay.

You want a beer?

Beer.

Sure.

Actually, could I have something stronger?

Thanks.

Could I have another one?

You want to start a tab?

So, you got my attention.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, I know you are not a friend.

We barely know each other.

We've talked what, three times ever?

Once civil.

- Eh - Okay, never civil, but I need you to do something for me.

I need you to take care of Midge's money.

I need you to get the checks, put them in a bank.

- Whoa.

- Keep track of what's there, what she's owed, what she spends.

- What are you talking about?

- I can steer her career.

I've got that down, and I am gonna make her a very big star.

But the money I need you to protect it from now on.

- From what?

- From me.

- Susie - I will send the checks to you directly as soon as I get 'em.

- Susie - Maybe I should just have Shy's people get it to you directly.

Cut out the middleman me.

Cut out me.

Yeah, that's probably the best idea.

- Susie - I'll transfer all the money that she's made so far.

Every penny.

I just need a little time to get it all organized, but I will get it to you, and then, once a week, I will send you a check.

Or they will send you a check.

Once a week, - someone will send you a check.

- Hold on.

So thanks for the drinks.

Mm.

- We'll talk more later.

- Susie, stop.

You can't just come in here like that.

I mean, why?

Why me?

There's business managers and accountants and a lot of other people who are trained to do this.

I mean, hell, Shy must have a team of people - you could ask to - 'Cause you love her!

You'll always be in love with her.

You won't let anything bad happen to her, ever.

It has to be you.

Just let me tell her, okay?

What, that I'll love her forever?

No, about the money.

She knows the other sh*t.

Everybody does.

I'm only gonna say this once, so pay attention thank you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

The first moment I saw Midge Maisel, I thought, "That is one red-hot cocktail waitress".

French-restaurant-level cocktail waitress.

When I found out she was a comic, you could have knocked me over with a feather.

I would've preferred a mallet.

Yeah, and now she's scored a tour with Shy Baldwin.

Kn*fe in my heart right here.

While I still think she'd make a red-hot cocktail waitress I'd definitely exceed my two-drink minimum.

She has since proven a good sport, a tough competitor, the best-smelling person in a club.

- Not that that's hard.

- (LAUGHTER)

I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart, f*ck you, Mrs.

Maisel.

- Oh.

f*ck you - Oh.

ALL: f*ck you, Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you.

I'm trying not to cry.

Go out there and show 'em how it's done.

Because, if you fail, no one will ever let you forget.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, that wasn't a joke.

Well, it's gonna sound like a cliché, but what the hell.

- How dare you.

- Benjamin.

- Yes.

Good guess.

- Wha What are you doing here?

When you want to find a penguin, you head to the North Pole.

You want to do this sitting here surrounded by your flunkies like you're the poor man's Rat Pack, or ?

What?

I No.

No.

I You don't see I have to move?

- Oh, oh, uh - Are you gonna?

- Should I get up, or ?

- I'm not blocking her.

There she goes.

Okay.

Sorry.

Hi.

How are you?

- That's funny.

- No, I mean Don't worry about the small talk.

This won't take long.

- It wasn't small.

- I let you off easy, didn't I?

- I - You sent me a "Dear John" letter unproofed, by the way and I didn't chase you down, I didn't call you, I didn't show up at your door demanding an explanation, did I?

- No.

- That's right, no.

I let you slink off into the night, like a g*dd*mn Damon Runyon character.

I figure if that's the way you wanted it, I wasn't gonna beg you for an explanation, an explanation I was absolutely entitled to, by the way.

Yes.

You were.

I am so sorry.

BENJAMIN: I handled the whole thing with dignity, grace.

I handled it all very calmly.

I handle things very calmly.

I don't get mad.

I can't get mad.

When you're really tall, you can't get mad.

You can't pace around and wave your arms in the air and raise your voice, because people get scared.

See?

Look around.

See?

That's what people look like when you're really tall and really mad.

I look like an angry building!

So I stay calm all the g*dd*mn time.

But this time (LAUGHS): Oh.

This time, you have pushed me too far.

What did I do?

I mean, besides I work in a hospital, Miriam.

I perform surgery.

I hold really sharp tools that I cut people open with.

And if I cut them open incorrectly, they tend to die.

And that's where you chose to send your mother - to fix me up with another girl?!

- What?

- Are you insane?

- Benjamin, I swear, I had no idea she was gonna do that.

Bullshit, Miriam.

You feel guilty.

So, you decided to get me settled so you don't have to feel bad anymore.

Well, f*ck that.

You don't get a say in what happens to me.

You feel like a louse?

Too bad.

Live with it.

Benjamin, please, can we just sit and talk?

Please?

(BENJAMIN CLEARS THROAT)

(MIDGE CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you.

Oh, you're going to have to start.

Right.

Sorry.

Benjamin, I owe you the biggest apology in the world.

I am totally and completely ashamed of myself.

I never pegged you for a coward.

That letter that was a coward's move.

I know it was.

I don't understand.

What happened?

I explained it all in the letter.

I stopped reading the letter after the words "I can't marry you".

- Oh.

- That kind of gave the end away.

You know, it's funny, I can stand onstage and say all sorts of uncomfortable, embarrassing personal things.

But the thought of standing in front of you, telling you I just couldn't.

So I wrote a letter.

Like a coward.

But you have to understand, when I accepted your proposal, I was fed up with stand-up.

I was thinking of quitting.

I thought maybe comedy was just a phase, and I could get married and hop down to the Gaslight once or twice a week, do a set, like a bowling league with better shoes.

I thought maybe that could be enough.

And then Shy Baldwin called.

And a lightning bolt went through me.

I just knew.

This was it for the rest of my life.

No turning back.

- And I knew that would be a problem.

- How?

- How what?

- How did you know it was going to be a problem?

- Oh, Benjamin, come on.

- Come on, what?

I talk about my life onstage.

My whole life.

I talk about my parents and my children, and my relationships and my failures, and everyone else's failures, and my girdle and my sex life.

- I have seen you onstage.

- Twice.

You've seen me twice.

It would be different if we were married.

It would be constant.

You wouldn't be able to handle it.

- Oh, really?

- My stand-up was the reason that Joel and I - I am not Joel.

- I know.

I got two feet on the guy alone.

- You are both men.

- What the hell does that mean?

- Proud men.

Strong men.

- Did you ask?

Did you ever say, "Hey, Benjamin, if I constantly talk about you onstage, is that a problem?" - No, I didn't.

- That's right.

You didn't even give me a chance.

You left me out of the equation altogether.

I would have been on the road.

We would have been separated a lot.

And the coming back together would've been sensational.

(CHAIR SCRAPES)

Please don't go.

You broke my heart, Miriam.

Do not send your mother again.

You never even got to see the ring.

It was spectacular, by the way.

I have no doubt.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, yes, Anya.

And your youngest girl, Leslie, is she still single?

Oh, she is.

Good.

And is there any specific reason why?

Well, has she tried bangs?

Oh.

How unfortunate.

Well, there must be some wonderful man out there just waiting for someone like Leslie.

And she turns 30 when?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, no, there's plenty of time.

- Don't you worry.

- (DOOR OPENS)

Mama!

Where are you?

In the meantime, I will put my thinking cap on.

Hang up.

Anya, I have to go, but I will call you soon.

Being on the road has made you extremely rude.

I cannot believe you went to Benjamin.

- Miriam - To his work.

His work.

Well, I wasn't gonna accost him in the street.

And you went to his work to try and set him up with a girl.

Am I getting the story right?

Because I really want to get the story right before I tell you - how incredibly out of line it was.

- Keep your voice down.

Do you know how hard it must've been for him when I backed out of the wedding?

- I'm assuming it wasn't easy.

- And you had the gall, the hubris, the insensitivity to go down there and drag him back into that all over again?

This was none of your business.

This was between Benjamin and me.

No one asked you to get in the middle.

I know he didn't.

I'm not gonna be talked to like this by my own daughter.

You know what, I am sorry, Mama.

I'm sorry that you are so disappointed in how my life turned out.

I'm sorry that you can't understand the turn it's taken.

I have certainly tried to explain it to you, to include you in it, but you don't want to understand or be included.

You just want to be disappointed.

I'm sorry that I am a comedian and that you can't watch me onstage and that you still think I'm a prost*tute.

I'm sorry that Joel left me and blew up my life, but he did.

He left.

He blew up my life.

I did not want that to happen.

But it did happen, and I had to do something about it.

And one of these days, you are gonna have to acknowledge that this is the new reality.

That I am, for the first time in my life, taking charge of my own destiny, just like Joel is in charge of his life and so is Benjamin.

Maybe you need to get a life of your own and you can stop trying to manipulate the lives of those around you.

(INHALES, EXHALES)

You're right.

I don't understand what your life is or why you do what you do.

And, yes, I do feel that comedy and prostitution are one and the same.

And, no, I don't know how to explain it to my friends or my rabbi.

I don't know how to explain that my daughter leaves her children to travel around with a tiny part-time plumber in a hat.

I don't understand why it's funny to talk about your parents onstage, why it's fun to hear people laugh at their mistakes and misfortune.

But there is one area where you and I are in perfect agreement: how precarious a woman's life is when it's dependent on the whims of a man.

That is a lesson I have also learned the hard way.

Your father blew up my life, too.

He took everything away in the blink of an eye, and now it's up to me to get it back.

And that is exactly what I intend to do.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Bernice, Rose Weissman here.

Left field question, is your son still clinically blind?

Wonderful.

("FEELING GOOD" BY NINA SIMONE PLAYING)

(CLACKING)

INSTRUCTOR: 30 seconds, ladies.

And I'm feeling good Feeling good Am I late?

I thought I was on time.

There was a last-minute shoe issue.

The color was different in different light, so I had to make sure I was prepared.

Brought an extra pair, but they hurt my feet and I walk a little funny, which might be fun since I'm a comic, right?

Worked for Chaplin.

But I didn't think it added that much time to Yep, I'm late.

Well, la-di-da.

- It's fine.

- I'm excited.

The Apollo, right?

Hey, you read the sign.

Look, I, uh, have a thing I need to take care of tonight.

- What's wrong?

- Nothing's wrong.

It's a bullshit family thing, but I want it taken care of before we go, so I may have to miss your set.

It's 'cause I wore the wrong shoes, right?

Yes.

So if I don't talk to you before, I will meet you at the airport tomorrow night.

Okay.

You're gonna be great.

There is no other option.

You bet your ass.

Tits up?

Tits up.

Don't be late for the f*cking plane.

I'm never late.

Ooh.

(BAND PLAYING)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

MAN: All right, young man.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ah.

Good.

Eat this.

- What is it?

- Oatmeal cookie.

Why do you have the world's entire supply?

People make this stuff for Shy because he goes around saying these are his favorite foods.

They are not his favorite foods.

In fact, he never even touches the damn stuff, and then I have to Thelma!

(CHUCKLES): Darling, you look wonderful!

You give these date bars to Shy, now.

I will.

I will.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Eat these.

- Just throw them out.

You do that, someone sees and Harlem burns.

Marla Mae!

This is my sister's girl, Lorna.

You make sure she meets Shy.

You know I will.

- Just wait over there, sweetheart.

- Okay.

- Appetizers?

- REGGIE: The ladies in the neighborhood also want to marry Shy off.

I'm sorry, am I in temple?

I'm gonna say hi to Shy.

Do not bother him too long.

He has vocalizing to do.

He cannot be rusty tonight.

Hometown crowds they love you the most, but they also give you the most sh*t when you aren't on your best game.

Oh, I know.

If I step up to my butcher counter and I haven't decided four or six lamb chops, I get eviscerated.

I wind up getting cube steak out of pure intimidation.

Yeah, it's nothing like that, but thanks for sharing.

Hey, have another cookie.

- Sorry, pal.

- sh*t.

Ella!

Are those your meatloaf sandwiches I see there?

- Yes.

(GIGGLES)

- Mmm!

(KNOCKING)

Oh, so that's where you've been for the last two months.

Get in here, Little Miss Mouthy!

Mr.

Baldwin, you look like a million bucks.

Oh, no, my price has gone way up.

- (LAUGHS)

- (CHUCKLES): Oh.

Back up, now.

Let me see that dress.

I thought I'd go understated today, try to blend in.

In that?

Nice try.

It's so good to see you.

You, too.

Get yourself some champagne.

You want some?

Not before the show.

You know, I tried to call you a few times, but you got that housekeeper, General Patton.

Yes.

You'd think after helping save the world from h*tler, he could get a better gig.

Bet you can bounce a quarter off your bed when he makes it though.

So, tell me what you've been up to.

Well, I've been living in Queens.

Doing some radio work.

Got paid in feminine products and pancake syrup.

My nephew had his bris.

He had his what?

It's where they cut off your penis and then we all eat deli.

It's time for both of us to get back on the road.

- (CHEERING IN DISTANCE)

- Wow.

Someone's k*lling.

Must be Moms.

Moms Mabley?

Are you serious?

Where you going?

Moms Mabley's onstage.

Shy Baldwin's right here.

What happened to our reunion?

Well, you look good, you feel good, you liked my dress.

You need some tea?

- I got some tea.

- See ya.

You are a fickle girl.

I've been called so much worse.

(LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE)

They even said I was prejudiced.

I'm not prejudiced.

I'm not.

But I don't like no old man.

I don't give a damn what color he is.

- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- Yeah.

Moms likes 'em young, baby.

- (LAUGHTER)

- What about it?

Can't no old man do nothing for me but bring me a message from a young man.

(LAUGHTER)

- That's all he can do.

- (APPLAUSE)

I don't want nothing old but some old money.

I married an old man when I was nothing but a child.

Nothing but a child.

15 years old.

- WOMAN: That ain't right.

- That was the curse back in my day.

You had to marry who your parents picked out for you.

My daddy picked out this old man, old man.

My daddy liked him.

My daddy should've married him.

(LAUGHTER)

They say you shouldn't say nothing about the dead unless it's good.

He's dead.

That's good.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

One weekend, I say to him, I say, "Why don't we go out to the country?

You know anything about the country?" He says (DEEP VOICE): "Sure, I-I know about the country.

When-when I was a young boy, I used to live in the country".

I said, "When you was a young boy, everybody lived in the country".

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

Geez.

That's not intimidating at all.

And she's as sweet as pie, to boot.

And thank you, Lord!

I'm talking to people who know what I'm talking 'bout.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

EMCEE: The great Moms Mabley, ladies and gentlemen.

That's the way it's done.

I wish you'd told me that before Dayton.

Could've saved a whole bunch of time.

- Excuse me.

- And now please welcome - the Silver Belles.

- Excuse me.

Go see if there's any of that Shy food left over.

I'm starving.

Excuse me.

Moms?

I mean, Mrs.

-Mrs. Moms.

Miss Moms.

Moms Mabley.

Ma'am.

I don't know what to call you, but I am a really big fan.

Well, a really big fan might know what to call me.

I actually saw you in Chicago.

We only played one night there, and, technically, I was supposed to be at the theater in case Shy called me back up for a bit, which he does sometimes but not a lot Uh-huh.

Get me a chair, honey.

- I think this is gonna take a while.

- (CHUCKLES)

But I snuck out, because you were playing Mister Kelly's, and I'd also never seen Mister Kelly's.

So, anyhow, I went.

You were great then, too.

What is your name, sweetheart?

Midge Maisel.

Mrs.

Maisel, actually.

- Tha-That's my stage name.

- Wait a minute, you're Mrs.

Maisel?

- Yes.

- Are you kidding me?

This is the girl opening for Shy tonight.

She's the one that got your spot.

- I did?

- Yes, you did.

- Marcus.

- She's Moms Mabley.

You really think she should be opening for you?

She's not opening for me.

I'm opening for Shy.

You got the prime spot, Shirley Temple.

You can't read a program?

I didn't know there was a program.

I'm gonna talk to Shy.

I'm gonna really talk to Shy.

- Oh, Marcus, hush now.

- It's not right.

Who the hell is this little white girl anyhow?

Oh, Marcus, you back off now.

That audience out there is gonna give her a tough enough time without you in her face.

It was nice meeting you, Mrs.

Maisel.

Welcome to the Apollo.

Oh.

Good.

Eat this.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Do you have a program?

- A what?

- Why am I opening for Shy, Reggie?

'Cause Shy ain't gonna open for you.

Do you think this is the right crowd for me?

Well, it's the crowd you got, so let's hope so.

I don't know.

I don't know.

- Midge.

- They loved Moms.

I shouldn't be on after Moms Mabley.

They're gonna hate me for that.

Oh.

You been talking to Marcus?

He called me a white girl.

- Wow.

Low blow.

- He's right.

There's royalty on this stage tonight.

I'm-I'm not ready for this.

I haven't earned it.

It doesn't matter if you earned it.

It's here.

You got to do it.

I'm nervous.

I'm never nervous, but, right now, I am really, really nervous.

Where the hell is Susie?

She had a family thing to do.

Tonight?

I shouldn't go out there.

This is a very important show for Shy.

It's a comeback show.

If I fail, it could look really bad for him.

Then don't fail.

I am gonna fail.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Now look at me.

Yes, that's gonna be a tough crowd.

They will love you or they will hate you, and they will let you know their verdict immediately.

And maybe you should cut back on the Jewish brisket talk a little.

You know Shy.

They know Shy.

Get out there and talk about Shy.

I'm not following.

You're great at riffing.

I've seen you do it.

Shy is like family to these people.

They want to hear stories about him.

Stories about the road, late-night craziness, gossip, tantrums they love that sort of sh*t.

You want me to talk about Shy on the road?

- Yep.

- Shy.

Yes.

It's not something you should do anywhere else, but here, in Harlem, his hometown, they'll eat it up.

You calm now?

- No.

- Good.

- You're gonna be fine.

- Thank you, Reggie.

You really want to thank me?

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, her first time at the Apollo, Mrs.

Maisel.

(INHALES)

Tits up.

MAN: Oh, no.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

(QUIET CHATTER)

(CHATTER GROWS LOUDER)

(CHATTER QUIETS)

Whoa.

You all look like you've just seen a ghost.

(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)

Yes.

Yes, I know.

After this, I'm heading to LaGuardia to help land some planes.

(LAUGHTER)

Now, before we get any further, - who made this?

- WOMAN 1: I made that!

WOMAN 2: Me.

It looks like mine.

Mmm.

Unbelievable.

- Fried in oil?

Ah.

- WOMAN 1: Lard!

You ever use schmaltz?

Same heart att*ck, different afterlife.

(LAUGHTER)

Mmm.

So (INHALES DEEPLY)

Shy Baldwin.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh!

You've heard of him.

He's pretty great, huh?

You know where we met?

In the ladies' room.

No, seriously, we did.

At a charity event.

I mean, picture it.

This pretty, dainty, elegant thing, primping in the mirror, and there I was, right next to him.

- (LAUGHTER)

- MAN: Ooh!

How do you compete with those cheekbones?

Those Ava Gardner cheekbones.

The man is so gorgeous that Arthur Miller's sniffing around him.

He's the only person I know gorgeous enough to play Romeo and Juliet.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

So I've been hanging out with Shy on tour, and I discovered that all he has to do is sing.

He has a guy for everything else.

Well - just about everything else.

- (LAUGHTER)

No, he pretty much has a guy for everything else.

- (LAUGHTER)

- You see 'em on the road, his guys, falling over themselves outside his door.

"Whatever you need, Shy".

"Let me tuck you in, Shy".

"Let me get that makeup off your collar, Shy".

Don't be scandalized, it's his.

(LAUGHTER)

We were on the road a while, and coming back to New York, I was a half a day on a plane, a train, a bus, a cab, a rickshaw.

Shy comes home, he doesn't need a plane.

He doesn't need a train.

He just puts on his Judy Garland shoes, clicks his heels together three times and says, "There's no place like Harlem.

There's no place like Harlem".

And his closet?

It's enormous.

- It has a doorbell.

- (LAUGHTER)

I went in there once, at a party.

Amazing.

With the silks and the satins, the chiffons, the chenilles these aren't girl groups, these are his clothes.

Hey.

(MOUTH FULL): Who made this?

Mm, yeah.

I-I'm not actually a comedian, I just came here to eat.

Mm-hmm.

Shy takes Cleopatra milk baths!

(LAUGHING): Actually, I have no idea if that's true, - but it feels true, right?

- (LAUGHTER)

TESSIE: Boy, it went up a lot faster than I thought it would.

SUSIE: 60 years of Southern Comfort in that floor - probably sped up the process.

- (CHUCKLES)

It's almost beautiful like this, isn't it?

- No.

- Yeah.

So this gonna get you out of your hole?

(SIGHS): Well the insurance will cover Midge's portion of the money I lost.

- That's what's important.

- What about you?

I don't need much.

Hey, Tess thanks for committing a felony with me.

Thanks for making sure I never have to sleep in that house again.

Though I still wish you would have waited till Skint was in there to light it up.

It was tempting, I got to admit.

You know, you can just leave him.

Setting him on fire would have been easier.

You got to do something, Tess.

You shouldn't be miserable forever.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Well bye, Mom.

Hope it's better where you are.

(SIRENS APPROACHING)

SUSIE: Hey, where is she, by the way?

Mortuary, or ?

TESSIE: sh*t.

I forgot to ask.

- (SIRENS WAILING)

- I'll call tomorrow.

I think that's how she would have wanted it.

She's gone, and we have no idea where.

Hmm.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Hold on, my mouth is full.

- (CHEERING)

- Oh, now you're just adding your own punch lines.

(LAUGHTER)

Well, this has been the biggest honor of my life.

To stand here at the Apollo and eat on the same stage that Moms Mabley k*lled on just moments ago.

(CHEERING)

Thank you, Shy Baldwin.

And speaking of Shy Baldwin (CHEERING)

He clearly doesn't need an introduction, but here it is anyhow.

Ladies and gentlemen, the one, the only, the fabulous Shy Baldwin!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

(BAND PLAYING BLUESY INTRO)

(CHEERING)

- (CHEERING)

- I want somebody To hold my hand Somebody to love me And understand I want a woman I want a lover I want a friend - (CHEERING)

- I I want somebody To share my love 'Cause loving is something - Come on and hold me tight - I got plenty of Bring me your love tonight I want a woman I want a lover He wants a lover I want a friend Ooh I don't want a fancy gal With powder and paint I don't want a woman Who thinks she's a saint - (CHEERING)

- I'm looking for someone Who's not make-believe And doesn't mind giving That she may receive (FADING): There must be somebody Somewhere around ANTONIO: I have to tell you, Mrs.

Maisel, the staff is really excited about your moving back in.

- We've missed you.

- I've missed you, too, Antonio.

Now, technically, I'm not supposed to let you in until the first of the month, but it's you, so It's our secret.

I promise.

Okay.

Well, I'll leave you to it.

Uh, take your time.

I'll come back and lock up when you're done.

Bye, Antonio.

It's very clear Our love is here to stay Not for a year But ever and a day The radio And the telephone And the movies That we know May just be passing fancies And in time may go Welcome home.

But oh, my dear - Love is here to stay - (TAKES DEEP BREATH)

Together we're (PLAYING "LOVE IS HERE TO STAY")

Take the big trunks first!

Those go on the bottom!

MIDGE (CALLS): Is my hatbox down there?

- Which hatbox?

- The hatbox with the yellow hat.

- Which yellow hat?

- MOISHE: Off the lawn!

Do not walk on the lawn!

That's new lawn!

Miriam!

You have two meters running.

Two meters!

Do not walk on the plants!

Do not under any circumstances touch that tree.

I've been putting boxes in the car for an hour, and it's not getting any smaller.

It's nice to have a soundtrack.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- I can't find the yellow hat!

Abe, answer the phone.

ABE: Why am I always answering the phone in this house?

- It's not my house.

- MIDGE: I found the yellow hat, - but I need another hatbox.

- Take these.

I can say with certain authority - you do not need another hatbox.

- (RINGING CONTINUES)

- Take my hatbox!

- Mama, can I take your hatbox?

- Am I still answering the phone?

- Yes.

- Yes!

- Two cabs, - two meters.

- Hello?

- Two horns honking.

- You're from where?

The Village what?

- MOISHE: I'll take care of the honking.

- I can't hear you.

I live in a lunatic asylum.

I'll take this in the kitchen.

- I'll take it in the kitchen!

- MIDGE: Okay, I'm ready.

- She's coming!

- I want to say goodbye to the kids.

You already said goodbye to the kids.

That was just the first goodbye.

Ethan went to play with the little boy across the street.

Why'd you let him do that?

I wanted to say goodbye.

- You already said goodbye.

- Mama.

We put all the trunks in the car except one.

How important is the one labeled "bows"?

Back to square one, Charlie!

Where the hell are you?!

- They're gonna turn the meters back on.

- No, they're not.

I want to say goodbye to the kids.

Ethan, Mommy's leaving!

Well, you'll never get him that way.

Ethan!

Get your butt back here now!

- Mommy's leaving.

- MOISHE: Shut up!

I miss all the new words.

Say a new word for Mommy.

Say "kitty".

- She can't say kitty.

- Say "doggy".

- She can't say doggy.

- Say something, kid.

- You'll give her a complex.

- Me?

You're the one who has her doing leg lifts.

- That was someone from The Village Voice.

- What?

- It's a newspaper.

- We don't need a subscription.

- They were not selling subscriptions.

- Come on, Esther, one new word.

- One new word for Mommy.

- He wants me to be their theater critic.

- You can't demand a word.

It doesn't work like that.

- "Ball".

- Wh-What did you say?

- "Door".

- They want me to be their theater critic.

- "Hat".

- I have to go talk to them right now.

- "Bell".

SHIRLEY: I found Ethan!

"Martini, extra dry".

Get out here, say goodbye, and get in the cab.

I give up.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

ABE: I'll call you when I get there.

- I'll call when I get there.

- They want you to do what?

Miriam!

Call when you get there.

Abe, did you say theater critic?

(AIRPLANE PASSING)

You're kidding.

Two cabs?

Seems like more than it is.

How?

Is the third cab invisible?

I'm so excited.

Why does your hat smell like a barbecue?

Is this all your luggage?

Yeah.

We may need a second plane.

- Hold on a second.

- Hey, Reggie.

- So the second cab's a joke.

- It's not a joke.

It's a hilarious f*ckin' joke.

There's been a change of plans.

You two are not getting on the plane.

Seriously, she can leave half the sh*t here.

I cannot leave it here.

It has nothing to do with the luggage.

You're not going on tour.

What?

Why not?

- Shy changed his mind.

- MIDGE: What do you mean?

He doesn't want you to open for him anymore.

But I-I don't understand.

- We just got a new contract.

- Contract is void.

- What does that mean?

- You didn't sign it.

It's void.

Shy dropped me because I didn't sign the contract?

- I was gonna sign the contract.

- It has nothing to do with the contract.

Then why?

Your act last night.

My act last night went great.

It's what you said in your act.

What did you say in your act?

I talked about Shy.

You said a lot about Shy.

- You told me to do that.

- Personal sh*t.

What kind of personal sh*t?

Reggie, you said go out there and talk about Shy.

- I know.

- You said he was their family, - that they knew all about him.

- I know.

But I didn't know that you knew all about him.

Knew what about him?

Why's everyone talking in code?

I made some jokes.

Some jokes that hit too close to home.

But I-I didn't hit home.

I was at least two houses down.

Shy knew what you were saying.

That's all that mattered.

- What did you say about Shy?

- Reggie, I thought I was doing what you told me to do.

- Please, just let me talk to Shy.

- No.

I have to tell him this was a big misunderstanding.

- He doesn't want to talk to you.

- Then you tell him.

Tell him you told me to go out there and do that.

I am not gonna do that.

- Why not?

- Midge, Shy is my boy.

I'm supposed to protect him.

I'm not gonna tell him I sent some girl up there to tell the world that he's what he is.

- What is he?!

- Please, they were jokes.

"Judy Garland shoes"?

Oh.

Oh sh*t!

Reggie, this can't happen.

I mean, me and Shy, we're friends.

You are not friends.

You were on tour together, and now you're not.

- Susie.

- Hey, Reggie, please.

This was obviously a big-ass breach here, but there's gotta be something we can do.

Anything.

I don't care what it is.

I mean, we'll cut our rate.

We'll do the Christmas show for nothing.

I will iron your f*ckin' jockey shorts.

- Just please, please don't do this.

- I'm sorry.

f*ck sorry.

Come on!

Susie, you're gonna be right where I am someday.

You'll see.

(AIRPLANE ENGINES STARTING)

Susie?

(CRYING)

SUSIE: It's okay.

We're gonna be okay.

(MIDGE SOBBING)

As I walk through This wicked world Searchin' for light In the darkness of insanity I ask myself Is all hope lost?

Is there only pain and hatred And misery?

And each time I feel like this inside There's one thing I wanna know What's so funny 'bout peace, love And understanding?

Oh-oh What's so funny 'bout peace, love And understanding?

And as I walked on Through troubled times My spirit gets so downhearted Sometimes So where are the strong?

And who are the trusted?

And where is the harmony?

Sweet harmony 'Cause each time I feel it slippin' away Just makes me wanna cry What's so funny 'bout peace, love And understanding?

Oh-oh What's so funny 'bout peace, love And understanding?