11x09 - The Last Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Guys, I am nailing my seating chart.

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS]

Can you not put me near Luke?

I can't with the chewing.

You are a spoiled city kid.

I was 11 before I got to sit at the people table.

Cam.

Cam, I've asked you 10 times.

Why haven't you sent me our itinerary for your trip to your parents' house?

Been a little busy.

Okay, well, you spent three hours making a JibJab of you, me, and Lily dancing in Santa's Twerkshop.

[CHUCKLING]

Look at our butts.

- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

- HALEY: Merry Christmas!

- CLAIRE: Merry Christmas.

- Hello.

So, who's going to get me a drink?

Mama's done breast-feeding.

These babies are all mine again, and I'm ready to fill 'em up with wine.

Ooh.

Well, not how the human body works, but I'm very happy for you.

- Ah!

I've missed Old Haley!

- Ohh!

Me too.

Oh, hey, can you move Haley away from me and the twins?

My present to her is the night off from Mommy duties, so Okay, well, I would've appreciated a little heads-up, but it's a thoughtful gift, so It's also free, which is helpful because I forgot my ATM pin last summer.

Any chance I ever mentioned my four favorite numbers to you?

- No.

- Oh, no.

Please move me away from Gloria.

It'll be weird.

Gloria's been working for my dad.

He totally mentored her, and then the other day, I caught her interviewing with his competitors.

GLORIA: So, if I come on board, do I have to change my hairstyle?

[LAUGHTER]

- We'll talk about it.

- It's kind of our thing.

[SCOFFS]

- [GASPS]

- Word to the wise I'm like the last five Matthew McConaughey movies.

You never saw me.

[SQUEAKS]

Fine.

BOTH: Merry Christmas!

- CLAIRE: Hello.

- PHIL: Wow!

Now, this is what a Christmas table should look like.

- Huh.

- No offense, honey.

I also love your whole "who cares" approach.

Um Cam?

- I can't sit next to Dad.

- [DOOR CLOSES]

I think he's gonna ask me to work for his stupid dog bed company.

Ugh.

Claire!

What?!

I can't break his heart on Christmas.

You know how the holiday makes him so sweet and vulnerable.

JAY: I hate this damn scarf!

I look like Anjelica Huston!

Cam bought it!

You wear it!

Hey!

Love the scarf!

I feel like a movie star!

Cam, put me next to Claire, okay?

I want to talk to her about something.

PHIL: There she is!

I can't wait to give you your gift.

Should we open it now?

Let's open it now.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Huh?

You get it?

2020 vision.

It works two ways.

You are gonna be on so many bus benches.

And in a different way than when you had to go somewhere before you married Jay.

Wow.

Dad, that is a lovely gesture.

Thank you, Alex.

You always know what to say and what not to say.

- Phil, you're amazing.

- [PHIL CHUCKLES]

Which is ironic, I think, because your son might be a sociopath.

Wait.

W-What's all this, then?

Why don't you ask him?

Luke, what happened?

I will tell you what happened.

Instead of helping Manny get Sherry back, he stole her for himself!

It's true.

Sherry and I are a thing.

- What?!

- Oh, my God.

Wow.

- Seriously?

Cam, take Manny off.

He's not coming.

Okay, fine.

Everybody just sit wherever they want, like a bunch of hobos around a barrel fire.

Luke, how could you do this?

And to Manny, of all people?

I feel bad, but this thing with Sherry is special.

This isn't my usual hit it and quit it.

- That's rough on the ears.

- Charming.

Plus, Sherry doesn't want to be with Manny, and we really connect.

Well, I [SIGHS]

I guess if you really care about her that much I do.

She's smart and cool, and, man, does she make me laugh.

I get it.

Nothing sexier than a funny woman.

[CHUCKLES]

Or an organized one.

So, what's up with you and Cam?

I'm sensing tension.

I didn't sense any tension.

I was just looking for some drama and figured it was a safe bet.

- There is tension!

- Mm!

Okay, so, first of all, he's being extra crazy about this dinner.

- Uh-huh.

- But now get this Every Christmas, I complain about having to go home with him to to see his family, and this year, he said I don't have to go.

And he was totally cool about it.

Oh, no.

Super fishy.

So, you didn't find any clues when you went through his luggage?

I didn't go through his luggage.

It's like you want your marriage to fall apart.

Come on.

Ugh.

What are we gonna do about Luke and Manny?

Nothing.

The last thing I want is to get into a whole thing with Gloria.

Hey, hon, got a minute?

Ugh.

Second to last.

Sorry, Dad!

I gotta get into a whole thing with Gloria.

Or nobody gets into anything with anybody and we have a storybook Christmas.

- How about a mini cheeseball?

- Mnh-mnh.

Is Luke going to break up with Sherry?

Gloria, I am sorry that Manny is so upset, but Luke's feelings are sincere.

He's already b*ating himself up.

Please, don't be mad at him.

You're right.

I shouldn't be mad at Luke.

He didn't raise himself.

Uh one more time?

Based on the stories from your past, you've rarely denied yourself the pleasures of the flesh.

- Okay!

Time - Wow!

- Time out!

Time out!

- MITCHELL: Cam?

Cam!

Why do you have a first-class ticket to Missouri?

Okay, not now.

And why are you digging through my suitcase?

- Uh - CLAIRE: Hey, Dad?

Are you just gonna stand there while your wife calls me a tramp?

I feel this is a risky time to weigh in.

Agreed.

No more fighting.

Let's just all enjoy a cheeseball!

- Mnh.

- It's my grandma's 100-year-old recipe, except I use cayenne pepper instead of cocaine.

PHIL: I'm sorry, Gloria.

No one calls my wife loose.

In her day, did she enjoy the company of a few men?

Sure.

Is it hard to leave the house without running into one of her ex-lovers?

Depends on what city we're in.

Do you have an end to this?

Her body, her choices, all over this beautiful planet!

- Can we get back to the first-class ticket thing?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

What are we hiding?

Okay, I'm not sure what you have to do with this, but my parents bought me that ticket.

Your parents?

The people whose idea of fancy is dropping a Certs into a jar of schnapps?

I'll have you know that Grandma's Mint Rockets are the cocktail of choice at the governor's mansion.

You coddle Manny.

He should already be over Sherry.

But I guess that's what happens when you let a kid sleep in your bed till he's 15.

Why are we talking about Manny, anyway, when this is clearly Phil's fault?

- What?

- What?!

Well, I mean, you obviously didn't teach Luke about the gentlemen's code.

I did so!

Never leave a high-five hanging, no hug is too tight if you slap the guy's back It's never steal a broad from a friend, never let him grow a mustache unless they're a first responder.

Okay.

That is some high horse you're on there, Dad.

Accusing Phil of dropping the parenting ball?

Here we go.

Name two of my friends growing up.

The mean one and the heavy one.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

- Hey, just a heads-up Manny's here.

- GLORIA: What?

That shows how brave he is.

Eh, but let's talk about something else.

The last thing he wants is to make all this a big deal.

[DOOR OPENS]

Hello, all.

Forgive my somber drapings, but like Masha in Chekhov's "The Seagull," I am in mourning for my life.

And don't worry.

I don't want any trouble.

Today is not about me.

It's about family.

Our family.

And the deep, profound love we share.

Man, that's cheesy.

Maybe, but it's how I feel.

Thank you, Manny, for reminding us all what's important and how this should be the most memorable Christmas.

Manny, would you care for a champagne cocktail?

Please.

I do love champagne.

And maybe when I turn my back, Luke can put his tongue all over it.

[SOBBING]

Everything hurts!

[WHIMPERS]

Luke, I think you should go.

No.

He is not going anywhere.

Every family has a bad seed that needs to be cast out so that they can find their way back.

I thought that ours was going to be Haley, but an accidental pregnancy saved her from a life of degradation.

Aww!

[CHUCKLES]

- W - Nobody has to leave.

I can spend one evening with the people I love and a shifty lecher who sleeps in a shower cap filled with mayonnaise.

It gives me my sheen.

And I told you that in confidence, you hump!

Okay!

Knock it off!

It is time for some farm justice.

Back home, when we have two alpha bulls, we lock 'em in a pen and let them fight it out.

This is between Manny and Luke.

Come on!

Let's go.

Hyah!

Hyah!

Oh, and help yourself to a gingerbread person.

They're both gluten and gender free.

Ohh!

- Oh.

- Isn't they a cutie?

Do not come out of this room until this is settled.

I will tell you what I tell the bulls, gentlemen I love you both, but don't make me regret letting you keep your testicles.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Punch me.

I know it sounds crazy, but I think [GRUNTS]

- [GROANS]

- Whoa!

Amazing!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

I can't believe you did that!

Me neither.

And it didn't make me feel better, by the way.

Maybe kick him or jab him in the eye.

Manny, I'm sorry.

I wish it were someone else, but I really do care about Sherry.

I go to sleep thinking about her.

I wake up thinking about her.

When I see her, it's like my heart is smiling.

Wow.

I didn't think this house could get any gayer.

Well, I care about her, too, and I want her to be happy.

So make sure she knows how you feel.

She's the kind of girl who needs to hear that.

I don't know.

I'm not good at that stuff.

I'm better off just playing it cool.

[SIGHS]

Can't believe I'm saying this but I can help.

I'll talk, you type.

[SCOFFS]

Are you being nice to make me feel worser?

Okay, I'll talk and type.

Honey, there you are!

I've been wanting to talk to you about something About the greatest golf sh*t you ever made?

- What was that?

- Oh, man.

- 10th hole at Riviera.

- Mm-hmm?

- I had a decision to make.

- Yeah?

I could go left and stay out of trouble or Can't do it.

Is Phil calling me?

Listen, before you run, I have a professional opportunity - I'd like you to think - I-I'd love to hear it.

J I'm just a little stuffy.

Let me get some air.

- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Are you aware that there are 15 times more dogs in the world than Italians?

Feels offensive.

Not sure why.

- Should we be mingling?

- Listen.

- I'm not gonna do a big spiel.

- Mm-hmm.

Suffice to say that science has shown us that having a well-rested dog improves our earning potential more than attending college.

Dad?

Can we play with my trucks now?

Give me a couple of minutes, buddy, okay?

'Cause I'm talking to the new VP of Dog Beds by Stella.

Claire?

Claire?

Do you really think that Cam's parents bought him a first-class ticket?

Aren't they poor?

Don't they, like, eat plants and animals they find in their yard?

They're farmers, yes.

We gotta dig deeper.

Get Cam's phone.

Check his texts.

That's an invasion of his privacy.

Plus, I don't even know his passcode.

Well, I just need his face.

I break into Dylan's phone all the time while he's sleeping.

Not that I need to.

All he does is Google water parks.

Ooh!

Uncle Cam!

I forgot my phone in my car, and I want to take a Boomerang of me and my favorite uncle - at his gorgeous Christmas dinner.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Can I use yours?

- Well, that's very flattering, - but I'm a little busy with - A-5, 6, 7, 8.

- Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

- [IMITATING TECHNO MUSIC]

Aha!

It's gonna be huge.

I'm gonna text it to myself.

Okay, well, thank you.

We're in.

Bring the wine.

Ooh, do Lily next.

I'm worried she's vaping.

Dad?

What are you doing over here by yourself?

Are you okay?

Oh, I'm I'm worried this Luke and Manny thing will affect me and Gloria at work.

We've been having such a great time.

I call us "Chica and the Man.

" Dad, I have to tell you something.

- Tell him what?

- How?!

Hey, everybody, look who's friends again.

That's right.

Luke's gonna date Sherry, Manny's okay.

Problem solved, farm-style!

Moooo Sorry about that.

Back home, when someone would yell "farm-style," we'd all moo together.

It's a sign of good breeding.

Anyway, come.

Sit, sit.

Let's go.

Sit down.

How do you call yourself Colombian after letting that skunk off the hook so easily?

Tell me, at least, that you have one of his toes in your pocket.

Come on, now, Gloria.

This is good news.

Disloyalty being rewarded?

Disloyalty?

Really?

Dad, I caught Gloria interviewing for a job with another Realtor.

What?!

- Chica!

How could you?

- JAY: There she is.

The woman that threw herself out the window to avoid me.

No, Dad.

Don't be silly.

I-I fell.

No, no, no, honey.

I get it.

You don't want to come and work for me, and I think I know why.

Dad, I'm sorry.

No, you don't want to let me down again, like with that whole Ezravision fiasco.

- What?

- [LAUGHS]

Oh, insensitive old white men.

What would Christmas be without one?

We seem to have insensitive people of all ethnicities!

Was that a sh*t at me?

I've been good.

You can't believe the stuff I haven't said today.

Cam, what's up with your trip home?

Your parents aren't even there.

"Merry Christmas.

Not Happy Holidays.

- From Galveston.

" - Okay, how are you snooping through my phone?!

[GASPS]

You!

That was a false Boomerang?

Well You know what?

Forget it.

Forgiven.

I just want today to be a special Christmas.

Now, please, everyone sit down.

We'll grab hands, say grace, have a lovely meal.

Okay.

Grab the person to your left and right.

Dear Lord I knew you were still pissed about that Ezravision thing.

- Claire, we are praying.

- Mm-hmm.

Thank you for this food You signed off on that whole deal, buddy!

And I am not afraid of disappointing you.

and for our family as we rise above petty grievances It's because novelty dog beds are stupid.

Dogs don't care if they're sleeping in a pineapple!

The Piña Colassie got four woofs on Whelp!

That just makes you sound like some Please, Lord, help us not use terms like "imbecile" or "senile old man.

" This is the thanks I get for getting you back into the workplace?

Nice line, Jay.

I could say the same thing to your wife.

I can't believe that you ratted me out.

I'm not afraid of you!

With everyone else around.

Okay.

That's enough.

I can't believe you all couldn't hold it together for one meal and not argue!

Cam, this is what we always do on the holidays.

What's the big deal?

The big deal is that this could be our last Christmas together.

- What?

- Last Christmas?

- Stop being so dramatic.

- What do you mean?

Oh, my God.

You're dying?

[VOICE BREAKING]

No, I'm not dying.

It's something else.

[BABY COOS]

Is he pausing to be dramatic?

What do you think?

[BABY BABBLES]

- Will you j - It all started last fall.

A scout came to one of my games and liked what he saw, and now I'm one of two finalists for the head coaching position at the University of North Central Missouri.

- What?

- What do you mean?

Hey, that's a big deal.

Yeah, they're flying me out to, uh, meet the athletic director, and if all goes well I could start this spring.

W-Why didn't you just tell me?

'Cause I-I didn't want to stress you out until it was it was real.

PHIL: So wait.

W-Would you guys really move?

Mitchell's not moving to Missouri.

What would he do for work?

Prosecute Otis, the town drunk?

Excuse me.

It's not Mayberry.

And I'll have you know, our town ne'er-do-well is a female who's addicted to prescription nasal spray, so Okay, and and and just for the record, I I would go.

I mean, it's only fair.

Cam's been here forever.

- I don't like this.

- [EXHALES SHARPLY]

I know, you guys.

But this is an incredible opportunity for him.

How could I say no?

[VOICE BREAKING]

You guys can't go!

I don't want my babies growing up without you.

They're never gonna believe my stories!

See, this is why I kept it a secret.

Here I was, worried about you all ruining Christmas, and now I've done it.

I'm sorry, everyone.

You have no reason to be sorry.

Yes, I do.

I break up families.

I'm Liz Taylor.

Why is it never a man?

For what it's worth, Uncle Cam, my company has an office in New York, and I said I'd be open to transferring, so I could easily break up the family.

You You never mentioned this to us.

Yeah, and I told NERP that I would be open to working at the Paris office.

I mean, Dylan and I have always wanted to live there.

- [SIGHS]

- PHIL: Wait.

Y-You'd take the babies to France?

We We We've talked about it.

Sorry.

I get nervous when you're all looking at me.

A-And I applied to the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts in London.

I could end up there.

Yeah, that's a real possibility.

Listen, if everyone's taking off, maybe we buy that house in Palm Springs, spend a little more time there.

And that means next Christmas would be me and Phil and some sad little ham?

Oh, wouldn't Joe go with Grandpa and Gloria?

[CHUCKLES]

Sorry, sweetie.

I'm just drunk and upset.

This got sad.

- Right.

Well, no no one's leaving now.

- Yeah.

You know, so let's just enjoy each other while we still can.

- Right?

- Yes.

Help me with the salads, Mitch.

- Yes.

Okay.

- Yes.

We'll be right back.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hey.

Phil I took that interview because I love you, and I don't want to screw up our relationship.

[WHISPERING]

I don't want to end up like Claire and Jay.

Please.

You and I have been doing great.

Because I hold back.

I have strong opinions that I don't tell you because I want to get along.

Like what?

You can tell me anything.

Like that bus bench sign.

I think it's goofy.

If we have 20/20 vision, why are we wearing glasses?

I get it.

I just wanted to bring a little joy to our country in this tumultuous time, but you're not from here, so maybe it doesn't matter as much to you.

You see?

Yes.

Yes.

I'm sensitive.

But I-I need this.

New ideas, someone someone to push up against me.

And honestly, I can't think of anyone I'd rather have pushing up against me than you.

Ay, Phil, it's been years.

I can't pretend I don't hear those anymore.

Hear what?

[SIGHING]

Yeah.

You're right.

I did sign off on that whole Ezravision thing.

- Mm-hmm.

- It's not your fault.

[SIGHS]

Well, I, uh I might be a little defensive because I feel responsible.

And dog beds aren't they're not stupid.

People are happy when their dogs are happy, right?

Well, I'm definitely saving lives, but, I mean, they're not exactly flying off the shelf.

You were trying to bring me aboard a sinking ship?

Well, I was bringing you aboard to to save it, or even if you couldn't, I-I I just miss working together.

I feel it gave me a second chance with you.

It did.

It did, Dad.

And we're good now.

So, it's time for me to go and prove myself on my own.

[JOE GIGGLES]

Look at this.

10 seconds ago, that was you.

[CHUCKLES]

I gotta make sure he and I don't need a second chance.

Yeah.

Well, watch out.

Pretty soon, he's gonna be working for you.

You know, I don't know if he has the head for it.

He pitched a dog bed the other day in the shape of a cat.

I mean, who wants to sleep in your enemy?

It would be like me napping in Jon Voight.

[SCOFFS]

- I told you that story - Yeah.

Yeah.

Look at that.

You got what you wanted for Christmas.

Yes, and can I just say, everyone is exactly where I put them in the first place?

[CHUCKLES]

CAMERON: What is it about the holidays that makes us so emotional?

[CHEERING]

Is it watching our kids grow up?

Who's gonna get it?

[CHEERING]

Is it how we put our disagreements aside?

What if instead, I am Cher, you are Sonny, and it says "We've got you, babe"?

Gloria, I-I don't know how to say this, but that is the freshest damn idea I have ever heard!

I love it!

Is it just being with people you can't imagine life without?

Oh, look, sweetie.

It says that this Missouri town has a lively art scene.

It says "ark scene.

" They're preparing for the Lord's next flood?

Oh.

Fun.

Or is it Enough!

Can we just take this picture already?

- [INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

- Excuse me for wanting to cherish you all as long as I can.

You don't even have the job yet.

Alright, the timer's set, everyone.

We have 15 seconds!

Let's go, everybody.

Hurry up.

LUKE: Oh, my God.

Sherry broke up with me.

- [GASPS]

- PHIL: Oh.

After I texted her all those nice things you told me to say to her.

Oh, yeah, that's right!

She hates it when guys move too fast.

Oh, well.

Better to have loved and lost.

There's my Colombian boy!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Hey!

I'm back!

MITCHELL: Hi!

So, have you heard anything about the job yet?

No.

No, not yet.

And I may not for a couple months, but it's out of my control, and I'm just I'm letting go.

- - This is k*lling me!

Our whole future hangs in the balance, and, these people they don't care.

They don't care!

- - I'm better now.

Whatever happens, happens.

- - G-Give me my damn phone.

I'm gonna call the sadists, and I'm gonna ask them why they hate me!

- - You know what?

Screw them.

I love what we have.

Mwah!

Mwah!

[SIGHS]

I'm so blessed.

- - [VOICE BREAKING]

It's like, no matter what I do, I'm always gonna have a B-plus life.

Never an A.

- And happy New Year to you, too.

- [PEOPLE CHEERING ON TV]

- [HORN BLOWS, NOISEMAKER RATTLES]

- [SOBBING]