10x10 - Have Yourself a Maily Linda Christmas

[bunniefuu]

LINDA: Goin' to my temp job on Christmas Eve Extra money's nice when you're a little bit poor Yeah Buh-pum.

I still can't believe the post office lets randos - like Mom come in and sort the mail.

- GENE: Why not?

Have you seen her sort underpants?

The woman's a prodigy.

It's the busiest time of the year for the post office.

They need so much help they almost don't care - where it comes from.

- LOUISE: Clearly.

What are you doing with that totally normal looking Santa doll?

I'm gonna hide him in the post office and whoever finds him wins a candy cane.

Right.

Um, why?

'Cause it's Christmas Eve, Bob.

Everyone wants a little Christmas cheer from Linda's big sack.

Maybe don't say big sack.

- GENE: Big sack!

- TINA: Big sack!

- (groans)

Mm.

Now that I have your attention.

Super friendly reminder that tonight is the first annual Kid-Only Belcher Kid Gift Exchange.

Aw, so generous.

Not really.

Price limit is one allowance.

That's low.

Your allowance is almost nothing.

Yup.

Yup.

Definitely a challenge.

Aw, I can't wait.

- Anyway.

Bye.

- Uh, Lin?

When will you be home?

Remember, your parents and sister are coming over later.

Yeah, all three of 'em.

Hey, they're like the three wise men.

- Right.

Except one brings hurtful comments.

- (chimes)

(shouting indistinctly)

- One brings lots of phlegm.

- (cough)

- And one is Gayle.

- Hi.

Y-You need to be here when they show up.

Please?

Don't worry, Bob.

I'm coming home right after work.

Eesh, you think I don't know what happens when my parents and Gayle get together and I'm not there to keep the peace?

It'll be the ottoman situation all over again.

- The ottoman situation?

- Don't mention it, Bob.

Just don't even bring it up.

And also, you'll be here, right?

- To not bring it up?

- TINA: We'll be here, Dad.

That's nice, but you guys just give them a hug and then you run away.

Uh-uh.

We sneak away.

To be fair, I'm a lot.

Less is more with me.

(jingle bells ringing)

Sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sort, sorted.

Sort, sort, sort, sort Scratch my butt, that feels good.

Ah!

So much mail.

If you ask me, though, this is the best place to be on Christmas Eve.

Except at home.

And if you accidentally got locked in the mall.

I bet that would be really fun.

- Shopping spree.

- Uh, huh - Yeah.

(chuckles)

- Just think.

There's little presents in every one of these boxes.

We get to play Santa.

We spread cheer.

All over the world, people are sending stuff, getting stuff Faces are lighting up.

Old ones.

Young ones.

Famous ones.

Andie MacDowell, probably.

And it's all because of us; well, me, temporarily.

You're lucky, you get to do it full-time.

Huh?

Uh, you say something?

Oh.

Oh.

Well, I'll just tell you again.

Just think.

There's little presents in every one of these boxes.

Ah!

My gah!

What is this hideous thing?

Donna!

Ha-hey.

You found Santa.

Now you get to keep the candy cane.

Everyone loves a candy cane, right?

But it's chocolate-flavored; it's kinda gross.

- I didn't read the box.

- Uh-huh.

Seasonal hires.

Lord help me.

Mike There he is.

Mike, you're the one who vouched for Linda during the hiring process, correct?

- Uh yeah.

- Aw, thanks, Mike.

What a nice guy, right?

Oh, he's backing away without saying anything.

Okay, bye, Mike.

LOUISE: Hey, T.

Whatcha up to?

Ah, Louise!

Did you, um, see inside the tote?

Uh, I totes did not.

Did you see what was inside the tote?

No.

Geez, Tina.

Easy, girl.

Sorry.

I It's just the first annual Kid-Only Belcher Kid Gift Exchange.

- We're all feeling the pressure.

- Right.

Ugh.

I saw the gift exchange gifts Tina got for us.

- That bad, huh?

- No.

Good.

Remember at the grocery store, there was a vending machine with Burobu figures, and I wanted the Slug-aconda but it was too far from the vending hole?

Not really.

But that's vending holes for you.

Tina remembered.

Ugh.

She must've been plugging quarters into that thing all afternoon.

- What did she get me?

- I'm not sure.

It was like a little tub of sprinkles?

Were they pink?

Actually, yeah.

She got me Pinkles?!

My favorite frozen yogurt topping, and only available wholesale.

Ugh, Tina.

- Gah This is bad.

This is very bad.

- Wait.

Why?

'Cause my gift for her isn't half as good as her gift for me.

What's Santa gonna think?

Oh, he's so judge-y.

- What is your gift for Tina?

- What's yours?

Wait.

We'll say it as the same time.

One, two, three BOTH: Barrette.

- Seriously?

- Hoo boy.

Now a barrette looks like we didn't try at all.

I mean, I still had to go into her drawer and get one.

And this one's going to the plant.

And this one's going to the plant.

And this one's going to the plant.

Linda!

Do you have to say that for every package?

- Sorry, sorry, Donna.

- All right, people, as of this minute, the post office is closed.

The sooner we're gone, the sooner we're not here.

CUSTOMER: Uh, please?

- It's Christmas!

- Wha?

Sir, we're closed.

Yeah, but it's a present for my nephew.

- He's He's seven.

- Aw.

His little nephew.

This needs to get to him on Christmas Day.

Special delivery.

You you do that, right?

We do that if you get it in before five minutes ago.

Listen, maybe you have a nephew who you love very much?

- I have kids.

- Kids?

That's not the same thing.

But you get it, kinda.

This is important.

I'm late for a flight or I-I'd take it myself.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll take it, just hurry up.

Oh!

Thank you.

(gasps)

I just spied on a Christmas miracle.

Like one of those goats looking at little baby Jesus.

Aw, eating a tin can, looking at Jesus.

Truck's here.

Load 'em up!

Oh, right, right, right, right.

Ugh.

How many times do I have to say it, people?

Stack your empties.

Your mom doesn't work here.

Except for Ernie, because I'm his mom.

ERNIE: Gah!

Mom!

LINDA: Where'd I hide Santa?

Oh, gotcha, you rascal.

Who stacked these?

Geez.

(gasps)

The gift for the little nephew.

Come on, Linda.

I'm locking up.

Donna, look.

This never made it onto the truck.

(sighs)

Really?

Crap.

Well, whoever sent it can file a claim.

But there's a present in here for a little boy.

- How do you know that?

- The guy said.

He came in just as we were closing.

But people in that situation have been known to lie.

It could be anything in there; it could be human poop.

What?

People send poop in the mail?

- Oh, yeah.

- Why?

Ah, different reasons.

- Mostly bad.

- Oh.

Linda, if that package isn't at the plant by now, there's nothing we can do.

Put it aside, we'll get to it on the 26th.

Now let's go.

But nephew Christmas.

DONNA: Linda!

Come on!

I got to do something.

Oh, Santa's in there.

Keep your mouth shut, Santa.

I'm doing this for you.

I took a package, don't know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take it to the plant.

I don't have time to take it to the plant.

I got to get back to the house.

But how else is it gonna get to the nephew?

Ah, I need a candy cane.

Ugh, chocolate.

(spitting)

TINA: Grandma and Grandpa haven't been here in a while.

Big night, huh, Dad?

I'll bet they're gonna say I grew.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

Yep.

Oh, God, Linda, get home.

Uh, wh-where's your brother and sister?

Probably wrapping gifts for the gift exchange.

If I know them, everything has to be just so.

Ugh.

Not even Tina's journal can help us find a gift for Tina.

- (door closing)

- GENE: Mom's home.

Or that stray cat that knows how to open doors is back.

The relatives will be here soon, and then we're stuck.

I just know Santa's looking at us right now, going (grumbling)

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Tina, don't chop so fast.

We'll finish cooking too soon and I won't have an excuse to stay in the kitchen when your grandparents and Gayle are here.

Copy that.

- Chop - Slower.

Chop Oh, thank God.

You're home.

How long until they get here again?

Uh, like a half hour.

Why?

Hm.

Half hour.

I think I can make it.

- Go-ho-ho-ho for it.

- (jingle bells jingling)

I need to pop out.

Just for a second.

It's a work thing.

What?

Don't "I have to pop out" me, Linda.

You're the buffer between me and your parents.

And you help keep the peace between them and Gayle.

- Bob - And you know all the lies that Gayle tells them to make it sound like she's having a better life than she's having.

- I can't keep track.

- Remember when she told them she was doing some eyebrow modeling abroad?

Bob, calm down.

I'll be back before you know it.

Just drink.

(sighs)

Fine.

Hurry, please.

Gene and I are gonna go with Mom.

- What?

- We are?

Right, we are.

No, kids.

I got to be quick.

But we've already spent so much of Christmas Eve without our mommy.

We don't want to miss another solitary second.

Aw, she called me "mommy.

" Al right, fine.

We're going now, let's go.

(Bob whimpers)

I could go for some Christmas Eve mommy time.

- Hell, no, Tina, you stay here!

- Cool, cool, cool.

LOUISE: What's in that mama-jama?

It's a very special gift for someone's very special nephew.

Whose?

Uncle Kracker's?

- Nephew Kracker?

- No.

Maybe.

We're dropping it off at the sorting plant.

This is a mission.

To spread Christmas cheer.

It's fun, right?

Christmas is fun.

Yeah!

Take that, Charlie Brown, you mope.

Question: on the way back, can we stop somewhere cheap?

Uh, and well stocked with, you know, just, like, Tina-friendly items?

Is this about your gift exchange?

You half-assed it, huh?

Ugh.

I thought we all had an agreement to half-ass it.

Well, everything's closed, but we'll see what we can do.

And we got to get back before Grandma says anything like the horrible things she normally says.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Maybe it's Mom and she's just being really formal?

So you guys are here early.

Yeah, we were gonna stop at my house first.

My big, rich person house.

- Your?

- House that I bought from being a world-famous Internet doctor?

Right.

Right.

But workmen were there.

I'm having some bathrooms removed.

Because you have so many bathrooms?

Don't worry, Bob, I'll keep the one you always stink up.

(Bob and Gayle laughing)

- Oh, God.

- (hacking)

You okay, Grandpa?

Need something to drink?

- (hacking cough)

- Wow.

It's cold in here.

Did they turn off your heat again?

No.

It's just winter.

Maybe you'd be more comfortable in the living room, by the tree?

- Where's Linda?

- She'll be here any minute now.

- I hope.

- GLORIA: Oh!

That's supposed to be the tree?

(Bob whining)

Hello!

Can somebody let us in?

I work for the Postal Service.

Temporarily.

Another Christmas Eve screaming through a fence.

- (phone buzzing)

- Oh, it's your father.

Hi, sweetie.

How are things?

Linda, where are you?

Your family's here.

- Already?

- Yeah.

I'm almost sorta done.

Uh, I'll be back soon.

How soon is soon, Linda?

Soon, Bob.

Where are they?

What are they doing?

Well, right now they're in the living room.

Tina's telling them the story of how she almost took piano lessons.

Ooh, that's a good story, but Bob, - you got to be in there, too.

- What?

They need supervision.

They need a buffer.

I can't buff.

I'm cooking.

Then bring 'em in there with you.

- (whimpering)

- I'm sorry.

- I love you very much.

- No, you don't!

I do and I'm gonna be home soon and it'll be - the best Christmas ever.

- (motor rumbling)

- I promise.

- Mom, look.

Oh!

Oh, uh, truck's coming.

- Bob, I got to go.

- Linda, wait.

Oh, and if they bring up the ottoman thing, change the subject.

What's the ottoman thing again?

- I got to go.

Bye.

- No!

(gasps)

It's like the North Pole.

I think I smell reindeer.

- No, that's Gene.

- Thank you.

So we just drop the package and go?

No.

We got to make sure it goes out tonight.

We got to talk to the person in charge.

You mean the plant manager?

We got to get this package on the truck, or it'll ruin some nephew's Christmas and he'll probably cry and none of the angels will get their wings.

- Come on, Mom, try to sell it.

- Uh, how do I put this nicely?

Who the hell are you?

Sorry.

Uh, Linda Belcher.

Postal clerk.

Just for the holidays.

My-my boss is Donna something.

Uh-huh.

And these are your kids?

Eh, technically, biologically.

Can you help us out?

The package, it's for Christmas delivery?

- Yeah.

- So it's Priority Express.

That truck left five minutes ago.

- That was the truck?

- Mm-hmm.

Also, you're a sorting clerk?

- Sorta.

- And you removed that package from your P. O. without authorization?

I could call your superior.

Oh, God, don't tell Donna!

It would ruin our great relationship.

But it's Christmas Eve.

Drop the package in the bin outside my office.

We'll forget this happened.

So it'll get there tomorrow?

God, no.

December 26, if you're lucky.

But that's when they celebrate Christmas somewhere, right?

Australia, Russia I don't know.

(sighs): All right.

Thanks.

Uh-huh.

Bin's outside my office.

Wasn't that the bin?

Or is my bin-dar way off?

This isn't that far away.

And on Christmas Eve, we'd get there in no time.

We'd even have time to stop at the store real quick?

- Yeah, sure, sure.

- What about Dad?

He seems what's a less sad way of saying "scared of Grandma"?

(chuckles): He'll be fine.

He makes a big deal out of seeing my parents, - but he loves them, deep down.

- Real deep.

- (chuckles): So far deep.

- Puts his butt to sleep.

Yeah.

Good.

So, it's a quick little long drive - to another town pop-out.

- Yes!

All right, we got to do this quick.

Not that they'll come looking for us.

The guy at the plant had enough going on.

He won't notice one little bitty missing package, right?

(sighs): Oh.

Seriously?

- (line rings)

- Hello?

Donna, it's Fred over at the distro center.

I think one of your seasonal hires went loco and made off with a Priority Express parcel.

Oh.

Let me guess.

Linda Belcher?

I'll take care of it.

Hello?

It's Donna.

Hey, Donna.

What's up?

Linda Belcher went rogue.

She took a Priority Express package and is delivering it herself.

- Dear Lord.

Not Priority Express.

- Uh-huh.

You vouched for her.

- I need you to handle it.

- With care.

Did that sound cool?

Uh, sure.

(groans)

Christmas is the worst.

Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah Hallelujah.

GLORIA: Bob?

I think I threw away my medication.

- Will you root through the garbage for me?

- Uh, yeah.

You know, I don't have to get my own Christmas tree.

(breathily): My lover gets it for me.

Dirk.

Dirk Moneyrich.

Right, Bob?

You met him.

Uh, ri oh, right.

Remember, you guys arm-wrestled?

He said you flirted with him.

- Mm-hmm, yep, yep.

- Everyone good for drinks?

Uh, Grandpa, more milk?

(clearing phlegm): Yes, please.

Oh, my God.

Aw, this is fun, Bob.

Especially compared to last year and all that business with (sighs heavily): the ottoman.

Uh, wait, what?

Uh, hey, uh, maybe we should Ugh!

Again with the ottoman?

- Oh, no.

Okay, uh - (gasps)

Ottoman?

Um, uh Deck the halls with balls of holly - Take it, Tina!

- Uh, La-la-la-la-la Da-da-deck the halls.

(phone rings)

Uh-oh.

Hello?

Linda, it's Mike.

Oh, h-hi, Mike.

Uh, how's your chestnuts?

They roasting?

(nervous chuckle)

Do you still have that Priority Express package?

I, uh Hey, look, it's okay.

We have mail carrier-mail sorter confidentiality.

Okay.

I've got it.

I'm-I'm dropping it off for a little boy in Bog Harbor on Murray Hill Drive.

Linda, there's no such thing as mail carrier-mail sorter confidentiality.

- Damn it!

- Reroute and bring the package to me.

And then you'll deliver it?

No.

I'll bring it to the plant.

That's the law.

I-I can't do that, Mike.

Look, I was like you once.

I loved being a mailman on Christmas.

I felt like a large elf.

Or a small Santa.

I took the mail personally.

But now I just take the mail.

Aw, Mike, why?

You got to follow protocol.

No matter what the package is or who it's for or what they tell you is inside.

- You talking about poop?

- I'm talking about poop.

The guy who dropped this off wasn't like that.

He was nice.

Well-well, kind of weird, a little sweaty, but nice.

Nice, sweaty and weird: if my penis could talk.

Listen, Mike, I-I'm sorry, but I got to pretend my cell phone's not working now.

- (imitates static)

- L-Linda, don't do it.

- I'm losing you, Mike.

- Do not do this, Linda.

Sorry, honey.

Even on Christmas Eve, I can't fail the mail.

Did that sound badass, or?

Uh, kinda.

And a partridge in a pantry.

Yay!

Tina, that was great singing.

- What else can we sing?

- No more singing!

I want to talk about the ottoman incident.

- Uh-oh.

- Crap.

Ottoman, ottoman, ottoman!

Let it go already!

Or, uh, let it snow.

Uh, o-one more time, people.

- Uh - Bob, you be the judge.

Listen to my side of the story, then my parents' side, and then tell me I'm right.

Ha!

We're right!

Me?

Judge?

Uh, I just realized I have to go to the bathroom so much for so long.

Bye-bye.

Uh anyone think I've grown at all?

- No.

- Good eye, good eye.

I can't believe even the big chain stores were closed for the holidays.

Since when did they have a soul?

Oh, it's hopeless.

Mom, just give me the package.

Whatever's in it, I'll give it to Tina.

No.

Louise, no.

Oh, we're here, we're here!

Okay, here goes Christmas.

- MIKE: Linda Belcher.

- Aah!

- Mike!

- Yeah.

You're here?

How'd you make it so fast?

Don't mess with a mail carrier.

We know all the surface streets.

Hand over the package, Linda.

Uh but, uh Quick, put a stamp on me and tell him I'm the package.

I want to do this for you.

- Linda, give the package to me.

- Just let me deliver it!

Let me spread this Christmas cheer, damn it!

You're not a mail carrier.

But we try to love her anyway.

That package is going back to the plant.

It's the law.

- Sounded cool when you said that.

- Finally.

Uh, I I got to do this.

Even if there is no little boy in there.

- Uh, Mom?

- And even if there's nothing in this package but a whole bunch of human poop.

Mom, look.

LINDA (gasps): There is a little boy.

- He's real.

- And he's spectacular.

What is this?

Are you guys carolers or something?

We're not.

We're kids.

Much like you, m'boy.

Uh, we're-we're from the post office.

Really?

Is that package for me?

I'm not a mail carrier, but you are.

Come on, Mike, deliver the package.

- I don't know.

- Take it.

Mike, no.

- Damn.

- Cold-hearted.

Aw.

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Signature required.

Aw, Mike, you're doing it.

Like Santa.

What's happening?

Special delivery.

I need someone to sign.

Are you undercover mail people?

We sure are, ma'am.

- Have a candy cane.

- Oh.

A brown one?

Chocolate.

It's chocolate.

- Oh.

- It's not great.

Okay.

Um, thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, hey, what's, uh, what's the gift sitch in there?

Got any extras?

- Any extra presents?

- Extra gifts.

You know, you got so many, you're like, "Ugh, - I got doubles of this" - I mean, I I don't have doubles.

No, I Kids, come on, let's go.

- You know?

- We open them tomorrow, - so I don't really know.

- Oh, yeah?

You want to just give me one?

If it's great, I'll send it back.

If not, maybe I did you a favor.

Louise, now!

TINA: Dad?

- Hmm?

- Are you doing that thing where you say you have to go to the bathroom but really you're just sort of avoiding things?

No.

I'm, uh, really going.

I would know if you were.

We all would know.

- Well - They need you in there, Dad.

Mom helps them to not talk about things.

Maybe you could go the other way?

You mean help them work it out?

Oof.

Sounds hard.

But yeah.

(sighs)

All right, if I come out, you're not just gonna run in here and lock the door, are you?

- No.

- Promise?

Yes.

- (grunts)

- You promised!

Sorry, sorry.

Got to stay strong.

Okay, tell me about the ottoman.

Finally!

It was last Christmas.

I was in Florida, visiting them in their condo.

Dirk Moneyrich was at our other house in Tuscany.

They were so happy to see me because I'm their favorite.

And I had a really fun idea for that night, when our cousin Donnie was coming over.

I was gonna hide in the flip-up ottoman Dad uses to store his slippers, and when Donnie came over, I was gonna jump out (chuckles): and surprise him.

So I got in.

But I dozed off in there.

New meds.

When I tried to jump out, I was trapped under Donnie's stupid heavy gifts that weren't even for me.

Then they left to go to a movie without me!

I was in that ottoman for hours, trapped, with those smelly slippers.

It was hell!

We didn't know where you went.

We didn't think you were serious about the ottoman.

Of course I was serious!

It was an incredible idea!

Also, I was yelling for you to let me out!

- We're hard of hearing.

- Huh?

Al, we're talking about the ottoman!

- I keep my slippers in there.

- GAYLE: I know!

Their scent will haunt me!

I still wake up screaming, "Slippers!" Okay, okay, everyone calm down.

I-I I think we can settle this.

(laughter)

It's unbelievable.

They're all laughing.

- What did you do?

- I-I just told them that it's more important to be together on Christmas than it is to win some dumb argument.

- And that worked?

- Kinda.

Not really.

But then I went into the bedroom and called Gayle pretending to be from the bank.

I told her to put it on speakerphone.

I said she had too much money and it was overflowing and was a fire hazard.

And your parents seemed to believe it.

That put everyone in a good mood.

- Aw, good for Gayle.

- Yep.

- Wow, it's a - Origami swan.

Made from a Priority Express packing slip.

- Yeah.

We learned origami.

- And don't even ask Mike the Mailman if he's really good at it, 'cause what does that have to do with anything?

But that's not all Gene and I got you something else.

- You ready?

- Yep.

Here it is.

(all sigh)

Sorry, T, we wanted to get you something better.

Oh, guys, this is the best gift you could give me.

Unless you're setting me up for my real gift?

- We're not.

- Uh-huh.

M'kay.

Tina, you're patting me down?

- Seriously, there's no other gift.

- Shh.

I know.

GENE: Now her hand's in my pocket.

TINA: Oh, there's a barrette in here.

Aw.

Bah, humbug, now, that's too strong 'Cause it's my favorite holiday But all this Year blur-blurred Duh-da-da-da-da energy To add already rushed Just 'cause it is the, 'tis the season The perfect gift for me would be Christmas by myself ALL: Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas Couldn't miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas Couldn't miss this one this year Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas Couldn't miss this one this year Merry Christmas.