06x19 - House of Tutor

[bunniefuu]

Ooh.

Somebody's working hard.

Or are you doing that sexy librarian thing I suggested?

Shh, you.

Come on.

Say it in French bibliothèque.

Look, I'm just I'm tutoring too many kids.

I started with 3, and I'm up to 14.

Yeah, we noticed at Outdoor Man the conference room's getting pretty crowded uncomfortably crowded.

Says Ed.

Well, tell Ed I'm sorry, but it is test season SATs, ACTs, APs.

And many more kids calling me every day.

What am I supposed to do?

Well stand back and let some of them flunk, and then we thin the herd.

Honey, they need my help Yeah.

and and not just the underprivileged ones I get it.

that I tutor for free.

Uh-huh.

The wealthy parents are offering me some pretty big money.

Well, then stand back and enjoy the view from Money Mountain.

Just what kind of do-re-mi are we talking?

They threw out some pretty big numbers per hour, so Well, you know what I always say, got to got to think of the children.

Ugh.

You know, I have been thinking about turning this into an actual business.

Yeah, is that is that crazy?

No, I think what's crazy is you've been doing this tutoring for nothing, and the fact that you thought "La La Land" was the best movie.

Yeah, but if I'm taking on that many more students, I probably can't keep using Outdoor Man, right?

Uh, doggone it.

Then those kids would have to go someplace else.

Yeah.

Damn it, right?

Well, it's okay.

It's okay.

I already have someplace else in mind.

Great.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's quiet.

Uh-huh.

There's a lot more space Perfect.

and I won't have to pay rent.

(Chuckles)

Oh.

Oh, God.

Talking about doing it here?

(Laughing)

Yeah.

Damn it, right?

Sign that, and we're all set.

Thank you, Mikey.

So, Vanessa's starting her own business, huh?

Mm-hmm.

Well, tell her to be very careful choosing a partner, right?

Very careful.

That train runs both ways, Ed.

You don't seem very happy about this.

Come on now.

The tomato's finally bringing in some lettuce.

Oh.

Oh, it's the 1940s again?

Me without a fedora and a Lucky Strike.

(Exhales sharply)

You're so right, Ed.

(Chuckles)

Yeah, I'm happy she started a business.

I just don't know that I want those kids running around my house.

Well, I'm gonna miss those little rascals running around the store.

What are you talking about?

You accuse them of shoplifting.

You yell at them all the time.

You threw that one kid into the trout pond.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Hey, look at you.

(Laughs)

I got the news, okay.

Mwah.

Thank you.

Have fun, Vanessa, with all those kids running around the house.

You may lose a few knickknacks, but it'll be worth it.

Uh, hey, so, uh so did you get a chance to look at my business plan?

Oh, yeah.

Took a gander at it, but it's been a busy day.

A kid fell into the trout pond.

Well, I mean, if if it's not worth your time, then just give it back to me.

No, no.

Of course it's worth my time.

Listen, I made some suggestions in the margin.

When I ran out of margin, I-I used the back.

Let me see.

Let me see.

I just want Before you look at it, I want you to make sure this all came out of love and respect, and you look terrific in that outfit, by the way.

Oh, my God.

Honey, your original idea was great.

I just fleshed it out a little bit.

Right?

Okay, maybe I should have used blue ink 'cause red ink looks so angry.

You paid attention to every single line I wrote.

Right.

You really do care.

Yes.

Well, if criticism means caring, I'm like the care bear.

Wow.

Wow.

You even gave me the names and contacts of Realtors.

Honey, you are so thoughtful.

I mean Oh, thank you.

Just thinking about you and I and the house we live in by ourselves.

(Gasps)

Hey, Eve.

Check out this new top I made.

See, I know it looks, like, really cute on me, but how do I know if a basic, plain girl could pull it off?

If only I knew (Chuckles)

of a of a simple, plain, like, pretty but average girl who could just try it on for me and let me know how it would look.

No!

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Mandy, that shirt is awesome.

Thanks.

Or maybe it's just 'cause you're so beautiful.

Aww!

Well, we'll never know 'cause, even though I asked nicely, Eve won't try it on.

What are you working on, Eve?

My website.

I'm creating an account so people can buy my songs.

Yeah, 99 cents for a song.

Gee, if you sell a thousand of them, you'll almost be poor.

W-Why don't you just put them on one of the streaming services?

Those sites are like pimps they take a cut of something everyone was buying anyway.

So if I put it on my website, I eliminate the middleman and keep all the do-re-mi.

You know, Baxters are amazing.

Everyone in this family is a businessman or a lady who does it.

We set the bar pretty high.

Don't hurt your neck looking up at it.

You know what?

I want to start my own business.

What?

Where's this coming from?

Well, with your mom's new tutoring company, I'm the only one who doesn't have their own business.

I want to feel like I'm a Baxter.

Be able to talk about pimps and do-re-mi.

You couldn't pull that off, Bambi.

So, what kind of business were you thinking about?

Making and selling something.

Babe, that sounds exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah, j-just wait until I come up with the something.

I have lots of ideas.

Yeah?

I just forget them.

You'd be surprised how often I don't have a pen.

Hey, I mean, you never know where the next great idea's gonna come from.

I mean, someone had to have the idea for the the coffee maker.

Oh, that was obviously Mr.

Coffee.

(Laughs)

When you're born with that name, what else are you gonna do?

Yeah, well, you guys are looking at the next Mister Ah, it's okay.

I don't I don't have a pen anyways.

Okay, you know what?

I-I'll tell you what you think of something, I'll help you sell it, you know, for a taste.

Oh, really?

All right, uh, yeah.

Thanks, Eve.

(Laughs)

Go get 'em, Kyle!

(Sighs)

I own him now.

If any other investor tries to move in, I'll cut their ass.

What kind of a folk singer are you?

Mmm.

Hey.

Whoa.

Ribs?

What did you do wrong?

Or what did I do right?

Well, you took the time to look at my business plan, and I appreciate it.

You know, this just encourages me to criticize you.

Now I'm almost sorry I made you this pie.

Wow.

This is why nice guys finish last.

They're fat.

You know, I have some exciting news.

I hired my first tutor.

The rocket is ignited, and it's on its way to the moon.

I hired Ryan.

And it explodes on re-entry.

I know you two have your differences, but he's got teaching experience, a flexible schedule, and a history degree from the University of Manitoba.

(Canadian accent)

Yeah, home of the Fighting Syrups, eh?

Make fun all you want, but this is my area of expertise.

He's a good teacher.

It's gonna be great.

(Normal voice)

Ah, he might be a good teacher Yes but I'll tell you this, once those ribs are safely in my belly, I may just change my tune.

Okay, so, I'm Ryan, and I don't want you to think of me as your teacher.

I'm just a cool, young dude who happens to know a lot about history.

Oh, yeah, he's that guy.

What are you doing in here, Mike?

Just getting a cold beer.

Anybody else want one?

Let's see how cool your teacher is.

Uh, please don't undermine me in front of my students.

Oh, I don't want to get in the middle of that hip vibe you've got going on.

But remember seniors rule.

(Sighs)

Okay.

Just out of curiosity, what are you teaching?

Uh, America in the 1980s.

Oh!

Reagan era.

One of the best presidents the U. S.

has ever had.

Really?

What about his as*ault on the poor or his union busting or how he exploded the national debt?

Assaulting, busting, exploding sounds like a doer to me.

(Inhales deeply)

Well, by that theory, the best president would be the Tasmanian Devil.

Wouldn't be the first president born outside the U. S.

Yeah, very funny, Mike.

Look, I got a class to teach, so if you wouldn't mind Yeah, you won't even notice that I'm here.

Okay, wow me.

Okay.

Here we go.

Invention number one what's the worst part of archery?

Nothing explodes.

No, having to fetch your arrow when you miss the target.

Well, those days are over, my friend, thanks to "Boomerang Arrows"!

See, they do the fetching for you.

Huh.

So, instead of chasing after it, you just pull it out of your thigh and use it again.

All right, uh, I hadn't thought of that problem.

Luckily, I have two more ideas.

Okay, um, how many times have you gone to sit down, but all the chairs are taken?

Well, those days are over thanks to "Hang On To Your Seat. " As soon as you begin to sit, a chair automatically appears under you.

Stand, and the chair disappears.

Yeah, plus, you'll never lose a game of Musical Chairs again.

Is it easy to put on?

No, from what I can tell, it's a three-man job.

Two too many.

Next.

Okay, well, this next one I don't have a drawing for because I thought for sure you were gonna go for the "Boomerang Arrows.

" Well, we might circle back to that.

All right, um, are you tired of waking up an hour early to put on your makeup?

Well, those days are over thanks to "Wake Up to Makeup.

" Well, this could be something.

It is.

One of our friendly makeup artists comes to your house and puts on your makeup for you while you sleep.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, great, right?

I mean, you get an extra hour of shut-eye, and you wake up ready to go.

(Chuckles)

What girl wouldn't love waking up to a total stranger touching her face?

Yeah, uh, so you like this one?

No.

This is horrifying.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Okay, all right, w-w-w I-I have others.

Um, "Sants," socks built right into your pants.

No, no.

Uh, how about a rug that flies?

Okay, we're done here.

All right, just give me more time.

I'll come up with something.

Kyle, Kyle, sweet Kyle, don't hurt yourself, okay?

Not everyone is cut out to be like a Baxter.

You married into it.

Be okay with that.

That's how Reagan ended the Cold w*r.

I'm sorry your side lost.

I'm not a Communist.

I'm progressive.

(Sighs)

You say potato, I say Spud-nik.

Yes, Reagan was partially responsible Right, right, right.

for ending the Cold w*r.

He was also responsible for putting millions of people out on the street.

What are you talking about?

It was the most prosperous time in American history.

Everybody I know owned a boat.

Yeah, it was good if you ran a big corporation 'cause Reagan slashed their taxes.

Slashed taxes so you could hire more workers.

More workers, more jobs.

Oh, except they didn't.

They just kept it for themselves and bought more boats.

Oh.

Boats?!

But they were American-made boats, probably.

Yeah, and then thanks to Reagan's deregulations, they all sank.

Okay, you got to stop teaching this lefty stuff.

You know why?

They're gonna They're gonna fail these tests because my side's still writing the textbooks.

Vanessa: Mike, Mike, Mike.

What What are you doing in here?

This is a classroom.

It's not a Kitchen?

I was trying to teach.

No, you weren't.

He was trying to throw his his lefty-sidedness.

I was just tr All right, you know Hey, guys, you know what?

If you want to leave a little bit early, it's okay.

Great work today, guys.

Look, I hired Ryan, not you.

You can't just walk in here and interfere.

Well, you loved me when I was shredding your business plan.

Well No.

He was shredding your business plan?

Listen, all the students are gone why is the tutor still here?

I'm going.

Don't worry.

You are a saint.

Oh, stop.

Mike, look, I appreciate your help with the business plan, but I can handle it from here.

Really?

He was trying to give those kids beer.

You know, while I would normally love to get in the middle of an argument between you two, I just I don't have the time for it right now.

Exactly.

You don't have the time.

I can be a big help to you.

No, no, look, I want to do it.

I'm already working on getting a business license and a permanent space and hiring three tutors.

Better hire four, because Deng Xiaoping here ain't working out.

I don't need to deal with you chasing off one of my employees.

Ple Look, please stay out of my business.

Oh.

You know, the librarian was cool, but this angry businesswoman character's not my thing.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man with a few words about business.

Now, the worst thing that can happen to business is failure.

Running a close second success.

Failure punches you right in the face, but success the demons come from all sides.

You just succeed, and a little flea bites "Wait, what, what am I Why do I owe you something?

Forget it.

Stop it.

" John D.

Rockefeller said it's wrong to assume that men of immense wealth are always happy.

Or as Biggie put it better, "Mo' money, mo' problems.

" Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank is a very rich and successful dude, but when his team just needed a field goal to clinch the Super Bowl and started going backwards, well, I think we all saw the most miserable successful man in America.

Run the damn ball!

I digress.

The Buddha said, "Success is not the key to happiness, happiness is the key to success.

" Ding!

The Buddha also said, "Run the damn ball!" Literally everyone knew that was the only move.

So, whether you preside over an oil company, football team, or a chain of outdoor stores, a whole lot can go wrong.

But it's worth it because if you thread that needle and pull it off, there's no more satisfying feeling than turning a profit and sending all those profits to Washington.

Seriously, why do we do this?

Kyle, what you doing out here?

Nothing.

Can't a guy sit in his parked van at night without it being weird?

Kyle, you really spruced this place up.

Thanks.

I wanted somewhere to go, you know, when our marriage breaks up and you kick me out.

Why would I kick you out?

Oh, my God.

You're not going bald, are you?

No.

But Eve's right I'm not a Baxter.

You know, you're all high-powered entrepreneurs, and I'm just glad when I can say it right.

There's so many R's.

We're not all that high-powered.

I mean, my dad and I are, but Eve just plays guitar for bums and my mom's like a babysitter or something.

Your mom just started her own business, and I'm the only one who doesn't have one, and someday you're gonna realize I don't fit in, and then it'll be over.

Kyle, I'm always going to be here for you.

I heard that from my foster family, and then I accidentally set their porch on fire and I'm out on the street.

I know you've grown up only having to rely on yourself, but those days are over.

I can't even count on me now?

You can count on us.

I'm never gonna let you go.

And if someone tries to kick you out, they kick me out with you.

So, you'll live in the van with me?

No, we're never living in anything with wheels.

It doesn't bother you that I'm not like the rest of your family?

I didn't want to marry a Baxter.

Also, I think there are laws against that.

Hey.

(Door closes)

Have you been working this whole time?

Yeah, well, they call it Quicken, but it takes forever.

Ha.

You missed a great episode of "Deadliest Catch. " One of the fishermen lost the back of his head finished his shift.

Oh, I had fun.

I was linking my new business account with my payroll software so I could calculate my tax liability for this fiscal quarter.

He put a wool cap on and just pulled his nets in.

Don't take my complaining wrong.

Business is doing really, really well.

Your business, honey, is none of my business.

Look, I, uh I know I said that, but, um, it wa it was a little bit extreme.

I mean, we can talk about this a little, okay?

There's nothing to talk about, honey.

You got this.

What if I don't want it?

I mean, I want it, but I kind of hate it.

You just realized that other people's kids are awful?

(Sighs)

No, no, no.

I mean, that that's what I miss, Mike.

I mean, I-I'm running this tutoring business, and I don't get to do any actual tutoring.

Well, I have a lot of opinions, but I was asked to stay out of it, so good night.

Come on.

I'm too tired to beg.

Just Just start talking, please.

Listen, when I first started Outdoor Man, I was working so hard that I never really went outdoors, right?

Hmm.

It was a year before I was able to sh**t something smaller than me.

I remember.

That's when we got used to eating store-bought meat.

So, uh so what did you do?

Well, what I figured out early is you don't hire people to do the stuff you like to do, you hire people to do the stuff you don't like to do.

Well, I would love that.

That would be great, but it's my company, it's my responsibility, and I feel like I'm the one who should be doing all that stuff.

Right, well, I think you have that half right.

It is your responsibility to get stuff done, but, honey, if you're not happy, your business is not going to be a success.

You're right.

You're right.

You know what?

Screw you, Quicken.

(Chuckles)

You ha Hire an administrator to do the paperwork, then you go out and sh**t stuff smaller than you.

You deserve it.

(Chuckles)

All right, thanks.

Thanks, sweetie.

You bet.

Oh, hey, you know who would be a great administrator?

Ryan.

A lefty in a bloated bureaucracy.

Perfect.

Hey, Eve!

Hey.

Thanks.

We'd love to join.

Kyle, come get a seat.

Oh, I don't need to.

I'm already wearing one.

Well, this could be promising.

You bet your sweet Sants it is.

Uh, ta-freaking-da.

Yay!

Baby, QVC, here we come!

We're gonna be chair rich.

So, Eve, what do you think?

Are you, uh, wowed?

Yeah.

Well, I got to hand it to you, it does look pretty uncomfortable, but it appears to work.

Well, no, it's actually super comfortable.

Yeah.

'Cause the belt is so tight that you're completely numb from the waist down.

It's invented by the guy completely numb from the neck up.