05x05 - Artsy Fartsy

[bunniefuu]

This bookshop rules.

I get it - Paper, not screens.

- Yeah.

Oof, I can't stop thinking about this prix-fixe pasta tasting - at Dobby tonight.

- Wait a second.

You're going to Dobby tonight?

- Girl, yah.

- Dude, you didn't tell me that.

I saw that chef on "Chef's Table.

" She's incredible.

I love a restaurant run by women 'cause they don't r*pe or molest their employees, - and the food just tastes better.

- Yeah.

Also, I told them already that you don't eat beef.

Why?

So there's no beef on your plate?

Ilana, I'm not coming to your one-year anniversary dinner tonight.

Don't be a bitch.

Who's gonna mediate?

Right, it's the anniversary/renegotiation relationship-check-in.

Dude, this is big.

Do you have all your deal points prepared?

You Sade-Baderinwa believe I do!

[CHUCKLES]

Dope.

[GASPS]

There they are.

That's good placement.

Wow.

Gor-gous!

You took the lemons of being fired from Anthropologie and turned them into gorgeous, artistic, bad-bitch-gettin'-sh*t-done lemonade.

Yeah, I mean, thank God those cards are in here.

I'm exhausted from working on my art all day and catering every night.

I needed this.

Abbi Abrams.

Donna?

Oh, my God.

I haven't seen you since college, dude.

- Hi!

- Hi!

[SIGHS]

- Wait.

Is this - So good to see you!

- You, too.

- Smelly p*ssy Donna?

Ilana.

I am s I am so sorry.

I'm truly sorry.

That is so rude.

I am I am so sorry.

Clearly that got relayed from me.

This is my best friend, Ilana.

And she didn't mean to say that out loud.

It's okay.

I officially own that nickname, because I b*at my smelly p*ssy.

It only took probiotics and six years of therapy, but I'm officially free of malodorous pudenda.

- That's amazing.

- Smelly p*ssy.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, yeah.

I've actually used my horrible story to inspire other women.

I just gave a TAD Talk.

You gave a TED Talk about it?

No, uh, TADTalk.

Oh.

Cool.

What are you up to?

Are you still doing your art?

I really loved her art.

She was so talented.

Thanks so much.

I Yeah, I mean, I'm trying.

She's not trying.

She is succeeding.

She's selling her cards in the store right now!

Okay, these are literally so cute.

I just had the best idea.

I'm a coordinator at MoMA.

- [GASPS]

- Cool?

That's amazing.

And we're having an incredible party tonight.

Would you guys please come as my close personal guests?

[SIGHS]

I have this dinner I have to go to.

That sucks we can't go.

Ohh.

Well, I mean Icould still go, like, alone.

Whoa.

I guess you could.

Okay, so you're gonna go.

Great.

Yeah, I've put you on the list, and they are excited to meet you.

Oh, my gosh.

[BIKE BELL DINGS]

[SIGHS]

My Pediphile is here.

- Huh?

- What, now?

Oh.

Pediphile is an app for people who are obsessed with pedicabs.

I became obsessed with them in college when I needed to air out my vag*na, because the smelly p*ssy thing.

Also, it's so convenient to get around.

You guys should think about getting the app.

I am a co-founder.

Full-disclosure.

- All right, I'll see you tonight, Donna.

- Don't forget to dress sexy!

I got to see this bitch get into a pedicab.

- Wow.

- Wow.

See you tonight!

Smelly p*ssy Donna.

I wouldn't notair my p*ssy out in a pedicab.

Yeah.

Me, neither.

Four and three and two and one one Dude, tonight is so cool.

A party at MoMA?

Come on!

Yeah, I mean, I have to cancel my catering shift, but MoMA's, like, so worth it.

So worth it.

I'm a little nervous about going alone.

No, you'll have Smelly p*ssy Donna - Donna.

You'll have Donna.

- I mean, I could also ask, like, another one of my friends.

Yeah!

Like, um I could ask the No, I You know what?

It's cool to go alone.

It iscool, 'cause then I don't have to explain all the art-world ins and outs to someone.

Like, it's a lot.

You know what?

I'm gonna call Kevin.

Perfect.

I'm gonna pet this dog.

- Okay.

Great.

- Hi!

Hello!

Oh, hi!

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

Hey!

Kevin.

- Who is this?

- It's Abbi?

So, listen, this kind of, like, really-big-deal thing came up tonight, art-wise, and I was wondering if maybe someone could cover my shift?

f*ck!

Tonight is already gonna be really intense, and it's too late to find someone to cover you.

But I guess we'll just have to make do without you.

Yes!

Okay.

Thank you so much, Kevin.

- I owe you one.

- You go for it, girl.

[CLICK]

Okay.

Ooh, hot and heavy over here, huh?

Does Lincoln know?

Well, I did have a polyamory clause in my deal tonight, but now I have to add a bestiality clause.

[CHUCKLES]

- I thought it was funny.

- Thank you.

Happy anniversary/ renegotiation/check-in.

Yaas!

All right.

All right.

Look at that wrapping.

[LAUGHS]

That's for you.

That's part of it.

- What is this?

- It is your very own handmade Experience Coupon Book.

Okay.

- "Handjob.

" - Whoop!

"Dry"?

I prefer wet.

Picnic in the park.

Blowjob, wet.

Zoo day.

a**l!

This is awesome.

This is a quantified, organized list of the stuff we already do.

- I love it.

Thank you.

- Yay!

All right.

My turn.

Okay.

Okay.

[RETCHES, HYPERVENTILATES]

Mm [SIGHS]

Phew.

I mean phew.

I farted, and it went, like, up my dress and up my nose, and then it dissipated Okay.

"Jewess"?

Yes!

I saw them, and I thought of you.

Why?

Just kidding.

[GASPS]

Art.

[GASPS]

Asymmetrical hairstyles.

Unabashed confidence.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[GASPS]

Helicopter!

Abbi!

[GASPS]

Kevin!

Thank God you came after all.

I was actually going to fire you for bailing tonight, but here you are, in your bizarrely gorgeous catering ware.

[CHUCKLES]

Here I am!

We've got asparagus spears that still need to be trayed up, and then you can grab a tray of riblets and start passing them.

Did you bring your beret?

Oh, I-I forgot the beret.

It's okay.

Just meet me in the garden.

I brought an extra one!

This is our first pasta tasting, the bucatini tartufo.

Mushrooms were milled in Hudson, and they were foraged just this morning.

Oh.

Nice.

- Gorgeous.

- One down.

11 to go.

Let's enjoy this food before we get down to business.

I agree.

See, we are already wonderful at negotiating.

Yeah.

- Oh.

- Oh, my God.

- God damn.

- I'm, like, literally, like, getting, like, buttery wet like the - Yeah.

- Like the noodles.

I would raw-dog this pasta even if I knew it had a disease.

[AS CARDI B]

I'm a gassy bitch.

I eat shtinky food!

Whoo!

Garlic rosemary lamb riblets with a mint compote?

[ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY]

Ab!

- Abbi!

Hi!

- Dude, what's up?

I'm so sorry.

Hey!

Mwah!

Mwah!

Thanks so much for coming.

It means so much to me.

No, thank you for inviting me.

- Of course.

- This is awesome.

Ugh.

God.

What?

Jeffrey Sean Michael Thomas is here.

He has nudes of me.

Sick stuff.

Let's go play nice.

O-Okay.

Hello!

Ding dong!

Let me get in here.

- Let me get in.

- And so I said, "What is this, Sotheby's?" [LAUGHTER]

Oh, my God!

Can I borrow your phone?

- Excuse me.

- Oh!

Garlic rosemary lamb riblet with mint compote?

Jesus.

This is a spiritual experience.

All right, Lincoln.

Hmm?

Shall we?

All right.

As we look ahead at the upcoming year, I would like to discuss the deal points regarding sexual exploration, starting with the roller-coaster idea.

That's a no for me, dawg.

Roller coasters are already scary enough without me having my d*ck out.

Plus, there's pictures, and they project the pictures at the end.

Nobody should see that.

I just think it would be thrilling.

I can give you Ferris wheel.

Deal!

I like that better, actually.

Up-and-down-vibes.

I'd like to bring up the item of rom-coms.

Don't know where we're gonna get on this, Lincoln.

I want to watch four rom-coms a year.

I object because they are offensive to women.

That is subjective.

I gotta push back, and I'll give you two.

Three.

No laughing at them.

Only laughing withthem.

Give you two laughing at them, and one laughing with them.

- Deal.

- Whew!

Can I approach the bench?

Yes, you can.

Aah!

Hi-i-i-i!

- Hey.

- How are you?

- Good.

- You smell good.

Thank you.

Hopper went to MICA, as well!

Dope!

So, Hopper, what do you do now?

I work at a gallery uptown part-time, and I paint in my studio as much as I can.

I teach occasionally at Hunter undergrad as a sub.

I heard you had the best time at that residency program out West.

- How was it?

- Yeah, it was great.

It was a nice mix of studio time and teaching.

- It was really nice.

- Beautiful.

Wow.

That sounds better than anything I've done in the past eight years.

Oh, I'm sure that's not true.

No, it is.

You know what?

I'm gonna send you some links - to some programs, okay?

- Awesome, yeah.

And also, you are going to mingle tonight, believe me.

- Okay, I will.

Yeah.

- Okay, you know who I'd like to mingle with, though?

Those canapés right behind you.

- Sir?

Excuse me.

The food?

- Oh, my God.

- Hi.

- I-I'm gonna tie my shoe!

- Describe!

- Okay.

Salmon and cucumber twist with a dollop of crème fraîche.

- Okay.

- And our salmon is cured with beetroot.

If I start choking, do not resuscitate.

- This is how I want to go.

- [LAUGHS]

Hysterical.

Okay.

Ohh.

My laces get tangled.

Food!

Oh, you know what?

I'm gonna go I'm gonna go find them.

'Cause that looks so good.

I'm gonna go get me some of that.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

sh*t.

Such a character.

Do you have any coke I've always known how to clear out a room.

Okay, moving on with the proceedings.

I would like to look at the next article, which is a suspension period in monogamy.

If we are gonna do this for another beautiful year, I would like to make out with five ty "fivety" people.

50 people.

Ilana.

Two.

And I have to know about them.

[SQUEALING]

Okay!

Dope!

I mean deal.

Communication is dope.

On the long-term front, I would like to bring up an issue with the state of Maryland.

- Mm-hmm.

- I think I'd like to move there.

You just want to up and move to middle-of-nowhere Maryland?

Well, I'm from there, so my whole family would be there.

My brother's a dentist, also, and we've always wanted to start our own practice, "The Tooth Factory.

" And there's lots of great schools there.

Schools?

So, w-w-what, like, cars drive around them slower, and it's safer to walk?

No.

Schools are for the children that I father to attend.

Are we Are we still discussing thisyear?

I don't really remember reviewing this for my notes.

Well, I guess while looking at this year's points, I looked ahead at next year and the year after that.

Is this about the rom-coms?

'Cause I'll watch one every weekend, you know?

And I'll just rip a bong and laugh really sincerely, and I'll learn to love them.

No, it's just that, I want to buy a house.

I've been looking on Zillow.

Houses aren't even that expensive in Maryland.

And I want to have kids, and I want to get married.

Lincoln, I'm only 27.

What am I, a child bride?

You know, I don't know that I never want it.

I just definitely don't want it right now.

I could commit to a kid when I'm like 43.

Lincoln, I just figured out that I want to go back to school and focus on my wizness.

I'm on a New York City timeline.

Do you ever think you'd change your mind?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, SILVERWARE CLINKING]

At this point, I can't move on this.

I have no counter.

I-I I have no counter.

Well, these points are non-negotiable for me.

Shawty says she hate my lifestyle She hate my friends, feel like my life wild She hate my lifestyle I wrote this sh*t up in the Chi All right!

All right!

That's where I get all my thoughts All right!

All right!

She don't like it, like it, though All right!

All right!

That's why you lookin' real soft All right!

All right!

Damn it, man, I feel like twice Riblets!

It feel like scheisse She stayin' at my house, it been a few Riblets.

Am I right?

[GROANING]

[COUGHS]

God.

Watch it!

S I am sorry.

[GLASS SHATTERS]

sh*t!

Ohh.

I'm so sorry!

- Abbi!

- Abbi?!

- Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Uh, we were short caterers, and Abbi's never really been talented with the tray, so Oh, I'm so sorry.

Actually, Abbi's an up-and-coming artist and my personal guest, not a caterer.

Um, yes, she is.

So, I-I'm I-I'm actually catering, but I am am also a-a guest.

Okay, Ab, We're gonna need you to start loading some dirties into a van, so Totally.

I will do that.

- Liars aren't cool.

- No, I-I kn I don't think they're cool, either.

You know what?

I have to go find some canapés, - clear my mind.

- Donna, I can get you canapés.

I can I can g I have access to all of them.

Don't worry about her.

She can get her own canapés.

It's not that bad!

I don't even like this dress.

It's too yellow.

I am so sorry.

This is not how this was supposed to go down.

I was so excited to be here tonight as a guest with all these cool art people.

I mean, I'm actually an artist, too.

I'm just not, like, a a real one.

Well, you might not want to say that.

But it's smart to have a flexible service job so that you can make art.

I waited tables for years.

And I spilled on lots of people.

In fact, half my pieces are inspired by people I've spilled on.

Well, what are your pieces like?

You might know my work.

I'm Toy Harris.

[SCOFFS, LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

You're T You're Toy Harris?

[LAUGHS]

Holy sh*t, dude.

- Oh, my God.

- You're Toy Harris?

- Yeah.

- You're the third floor.

It took us years of protesting, but we're here.

- I cannot bel - It's okay.

You You I c So, you want to just you know.

I can't believe I spill I spilled on Toy Harris.

I spilled on Toy Harris!

- Okay.

- I am getting dizzy!

- This is insane!

- All right, then.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Ooh!

This is not her night.

Bah!

- Ohh.

- Bee!

Hee-hee-hoo!

What do they do?

Hoo-hoo-hee!

Put your head out of the window now for fresh air!

Ohh!

- Ay!

Zy-yo-wah!

- [FARTING]

Please keep your head out of the window, okay?

You keep your head out of the window t [FARTING]

You keep your head out, too.

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- [BOTH COUGHING]

Your blood pressure's low.

You probably fainted from low blood sugar and dehydration.

Your girlfriend said you narrowly missed fainting into something dangerous a sculpture, I think?

Oh, wait, is Ilana here?

No, she's not my girlfriend.

People do talk, though.

No, uh, Donna?

The woman who brought you in.

Yeah, yeah, Smelly p*ssy Do Donna.

No, Donna's just my friend.

No, I-I don't have a, um, boyfriend or ora-a girlfriend.

That's surprising.

You just seem like you would.

Oh.

Thanks.

No, you, too.

You see I mean, obviously, you have one You do.

You're a doctor, - so of cour - I don't.

Cool.

[FART]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Ohh.

Fart away, man.

[BOTH GROAN]

God, I'm full.

You know, while I was, um, breaking your toilet, I had a lot of time to think, and I'm meant to be a polyamorous queen.

I understand.

You got too much love for just one person.

You are so special.

Such a heart on you.

You're gonna be an amazing dad and husband.

And you should have those things if you want them.

I just don't know that I do right now.

You'll figure it out when it's right.

Do you think I'll figure it out like you, by the time I'm 40?

I'm 32.

You know, that coupon book never expires.

- Yeah?

- [LAUGHS]

So say you have kids, and you have a wife, and you guys are, like, doin' the suburban grind, I will fly in.

I'll hold on to it.

[SIGHS]

- What?

- Is it insane that I'm still hungry?

Nope, not at all.

And that's why I brought the cake in here.

That is a good friend.

Wow.

Yep.

Mm.

Okay.

So, this is for glucose tablets.

- Okay.

- Not a bad idea to carry them with you just in case.

And if you're still feeling weak tomorrow, I'd make an appointment with your regular doctor, but you look great to me.

Okay.

So, uh, is that That's it?

Um, unless there's something else I can do for you.

N I-I don't think so.

Okay.

Well it was nice to meet you, Abbi.

Yeah, it was nice to meet you, too, Dr.

Marnel.

You know, since we're done, why don't you call me Leslie?

Okay.

Leslie.

- Hey, Leslie.

- Yes?

Um, I was just thinking, would it be illegal or whatever if I if I got your phone number?

It would not be illegal.

So, even though it was a conscious uncoupling, and we will stay friends, it was, um, devastating and tragically bittersweet and fully broke my heart.

[CHUCKLES]

Obviously, you had a shitty night, too.

I mean, look at you.

You know, let's never be apart again.

And I'm just praying that your nose returns to its beautiful goyish shape.

Okay, so, my night was, like, kind of nuts.

- Mm.

- It started off pretty bad, you know typical failure after failure.

But then I realized, like, I need to put myself out there alone, to meet all these, like, rad art contacts.

- Right?

- Dude, I met Toy Harris.

Whoa!

Who is that, though?

Yeah.

She's, like, this incredible artist.

And Smelly p*ssy Donna was dope.

She, like, introduced me to all these people who told me about all these artist residencies.

She's kind of like my friend.

Totally!

Right?

Yeah.

And then, at the E. R. , you know, after I smashed my face, - there was this hot doctor.

- Okay!

And we, like, really hit it off.

And then I realized the only reason I wasn't automatically asking them out was because she was a woman.

You don't say.

- Yeah.

So then I just did it.

- Mm!

We're gonna go out on Friday night.

Yes!

It was really a transformative night, dude.

So cool.

Yes!

Yes!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

Cool!

C-C-Cool!

Cool.

That is so cool.

We just both had these sort of life-altering nights out there on our own.

Yes!

- [CHUCKLING]

- Yeah.

So, let's watch this thing, huh?

Yeah.

Found it.

[APPLAUSE, MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello.

My name is Donna Donatachi.

Back in college, they used to call me Smelly p*ssy Donna.

Well, not anymore!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Read my lips Yo-gurt!

My nipples are hard.

Um, yeah, my balls tinglin' from this.

- Wow.

Mmm.

- Yeah.

- Mmm.

- As a man, we're usually not capable of multiple orgasms, but Mm.

Mm-hmm.

this makes that false.