02x11 - What Cupid Problem?

[bunniefuu]

So the Miserium is just gone?!

It's pretty touching, though.

How they put aside their differences?

You got to be more positive!

There's got to be something else we can use at the school that has more power.

You hold that thought.

It appears we have a visitor.

Oh Yes!

Fly, fly.

Fly.

Try flapping your arms.

Superman doesn't flap his arms.

Well, Superman's an alien, you're a bird.

Yeah, well, you didn't know you were a fairy until yesterday.

Don't be smug.

Look, I know I'm just your stand-in friend until Rafael gets back.

What?

But why is this so important to you?

So what if you can't fly?

No one here flies.

Look, I I believed in you.

Can you be the one person here who believes in me?

All right.

Hey, do you know how to get a key to the roof of the school?

Well, I am the student security supervisor.

Of course you are.

Well can you get it?

I think I just need to start with more height.

You know?

Thanks, man.

You got to be kidding me.

Cancel your flight.

Please?

I can't run this place alone.

Caroline needs me with her whilst we figure out how to get Alaric and the girls back.

Caroline can call Bonnie.

I need you here more.

You and I together in the same place is not a good idea.

Strictly professional.

I need your brain.

Listen.

"The sins of the father will be visited upon the daughters here and not here.

" That's a piece of the Sphinx's prophecy.

He's talking about the prison world.

Maybe not.

Prophecies are like horoscopes purposely vague so you can apply them to almost anything.

"A new hero rises but can be felled by the golden arrow?" That isn't sounding that vague to me.

Then I suppose you'll just have to keep any new heroes from rising until I return.

See, the thing about foretelling the future is, it can wait.

I would feel so much better if you were here with me.

I'm sorry.

But I have to go.

Or maybe I can catch the next flight.

Enough with the illusion spells, Alyssa.

Tell me where the ascendant is.

Why isn't my truth spell working?

Hmm, I guess that anti-charm potion I took is working.

It is.

Too bad you could use a little charm.

Enough with the games, Alyssa.

Help me bring the Saltzmans back.

Why, so you can be the hero and save the day?

This isn't about you, Hope.

Though, if I knew how annoying you'd be, I would have sent you away, too.

How's this?

You tell me where the real ascendant is, and I won't pluck your eyelash extensions out one by one.

Sorry, but I don't negotiate with basic witches.

So, I'm never telling you where the ascendant is.

Namaste.

I really don't get why you run when we can vamp.

The fresh air helps me clear my head and be alone with my thoughts.

Or not.

I wanted to talk to you about Kym.

She's, uh uh, doing great as the library intern.

Everyone loves her.

- "Everyone"?

- Yeah.

And you already know how I feel about her, so I hope it won't come off as too much of a surprise if I tell you I want to ask her out.

No, I'm not surprised.

Disappointed but not surprised.

Come on, man, don't be like that.

I really like her.

And I'm serious about giving this a sh*t.

You know me.

I'll do right by her.

So I was hoping you could give me some advice on putting together the flyest first date ever with everything that she loves.

So what-what does she love?

You know what, MG?

Who am I to stand in your way?

Uh Kym loves pool parties, chocolate-covered strawberries, and, uh, frosé.

Thanks, man.

I owe you one.

Yeah, then let that favor be you running in the opposite direction.

Fitness time is me time.

Phoenix powers, activate!

Damn, kid, get off of me!

Not so fast!

Ow, my wing!

You idiot!

No, no, don't-don't sh**t!

Who the hell are you?

Really?

You monsters.

You have no idea how long it took me to grow those.

Well, next time it'll be something that won't grow back, unless you tell us why you're here.

Do you serve Malivore?

Or someone else?

I serve the highest power of all love.

Where were you trying to take my boyfriend?

That guy's your boyfriend?

Uh, I wasn't trying to take him anywhere.

He started it.

Hey no, he he was flying around, sh**ting people Yeah, with love arrows they're harmless!

Check the quiver every arrow in there only helps people express the love they already feel inside.

Most people say thank you.

Why didn't you come get me?

Oh, I-I-I knew you were busy with Alyssa.

I was just trying to help.

A hero the likes of which I haven't seen since Hercules.

Would you just stay out of it, please?

Love to, thanks.

You're not going anywhere.

That's a barrier spell.

Think of it like a force field.

Your girlfriend's kind of impressive.

You're lucky that I found you when I did.

Wade said that you were outside, trying to fly?

Yeah.

It seemed more reasonable than it sounds coming out of your mouth.

Look, I know that you wanted to help.

But if you keep trying to be the hero, one day I'm gonna have to choose between saving you and stopping something terrible from happening.

And I don't want to think about what that day looks like.

What does this say?

Uh, "puppy love.

" Well, that's the modern translation.

In Greek it's more like Don't care.

What about this one?

"Self love.

" I call it the Narcissus.

- Still want to help?

- Absolutely.

Okay, think you can handle the Cupid problem?

- Hey, hey.

What Cupid problem?

- Exactly.

Just watch him till I get back, okay?

And if you want to prove that you mean us no harm what's the strongest one of those you've got, to melt the coldest, bitchiest heart?

Don't tell me you've had a change of heart.

No, but you're about to.

Hope, wait Can I tell you a secret?

I have a crush.

On who?

Hey, I'm sure you look great, no need to stress.

I have an amazing pool day planned for us.

I'm not stressing about my outfit.

I know I look good.

It's just that I have this thing with pools.

Kaleb pushed me in the deep end at the neighborhood pool when I was, like, ten.

The lifeguard saved me, but I've had a phobia ever since.

So I've been sitting in here, trying to gather my nerves.

How do you feel about chocolate-covered strawberries?

I'm allergic to both.

- Why?

- And frosé?

I guess there's a first time for everything.

Kym.

Hi.

Just the girl I was looking for.

I-I need your help with some research on a new monster Cupid?

Oh, my God.

Cupid?

Also known as Eros, depending on if you prefer the Roman or Greek mythology.

You know what?

I'll compile both.

Uh, rain check, MG?

Um O-Okay.

What the hell was that, Hope?

I had a whole date set up.

Date?

That-That's perfect.

Okay, I need your help.

With Cupid?

Worse.

Hi.

Looking for something to fix your relationship woes?

I don't have relationship woes.

You're talking to the god of love, bro.

Come on.

We're both stuck here; the least you could do is entertain me.

Okay.

You're a god.

Were you ever in love with a mortal?

Like-like someone way weaker than you?

Nah, I try not to mix business with pleasure.

Well, that's me and Hope.

She kind of wears the pants in our relationship.

Oh.

Have you tried both not wearing pants?

It's very freeing.

Okay, okay, all right, look.

I'm listening.

Scoot over.

I'll show you how to ride.

I-I'm so sorry, uh, but it's only safe for one person at a time, but you look thirsty, uh, for frosé, I mean.

I would love a glass, thank you.

Yeah, no, go help yourself.

Hope, Alyssa Chang is horny as hell, and I don't like it.

Stop messing with your ear, I'm getting feedback.

I can't help it.

This enchantment itches like crazy.

The faster that you can seduce Alyssa into telling you where the ascendant is, the faster that you can get out of there.

That's why I'm here to help.

Looks like she's really into French Bulldogs now talk about that.

How am I supposed to just bring that up, Hope?

These strawberries are to die for.

Delicious.

Almost as delicious as French Bulldogs.

Not like that.

Okay, you know what, maybe I'm good without the backup.

You're messing up my game.

No, as long as you don't mess up the game of saving the Saltzmans' lives.

Hello?

MG?

What'd you say?

Um, how about we play a game?

Like Marco Polo?

I was thinking something more like if I had a special object that I needed to hide somewhere, where should I put it?

Hmm that's lame.

But why don't I show you how long I can hold my breath for?

Well, that's weird.

I don't think we should Hold on.

Alyssa.

Alyssa, wait.

She's just so incredible, - and I'm so me.

- Yeah.

I get that.

And I know I may never be as-as powerful as she is, but I just, I just wish she wouldn't treat me like some fragile object, always on the verge of breaking.

I want her to look at me the same way I look at her.

Yeah, the red feathers.

That's the one you're looking for.

Hero worship.

No.

I want - what she feels for me to be real.

- Hey, hey, my-my arrows are the real deal, kid.

Okay, I just mean I want to earn it.

Uh, s-sorry, bud, I got to fly.

Does this force field have ceilings?

No?

Two can play at that game.

Damn it.

Thank you all for coming.

I hereby bring this meeting of the Super Squad to order.

Now, I know what you're thinking we're not heroes, and you're right, but I believe that we can join together and equal one relatively capable hero.

Is this supposed to be motivational or?

- Shh.

- It's time us to step up.

Show our non-believing peers and our mysteriously absent authority figures who we really are by charging headfirst into our destiny.

And today our destiny is getting Cupid back before Hope finds out that I lost him.

Yeah.

All that, but my destiny is somewhere else.

And I got to go find her.

Okay.

Uh, that's fine, but the rest of us are still in, right?

Wade?

Pedro?

Yeah, you believed in me, so I can believe in you.

As long as we're back before snack time.

Oh, obviously.

Um, and you?

Druscilla?

Right.

Can you do a locator spell with those wings?

Sure.

Can I keep them after?

Um All yours.

Now we just need to find Cupid wherever he's making bridesmaids wear 27 dresses or making jocks fall in love with nerdy girls.

Oh, my bad, I was, um, I was looking for the-the Super Squad meeting.

Then look no further.

That's us.

Oh.

Oh, damn.

Um, okay.

Uh, well, I got Kym's research right here, so y'all ready to roll?

Yeah.

I call shotgun!

No one's ever set up such an amazing first date for me before.

I can't imagine what you have planned for our second.

Is that your foot?

No.

Let me get you more frosé.

- Oh, my God!

- Oops.

My top came undone.

Alyssa, wait.

This is ridiculous.

- You're under the influence.

- Yeah, of you.

Listen, I think you got bangin' uh, uh, self-esteem, and you're super smart and, yeah, sometimes a little scary, but the real reason I did all this was to get you to tell me where the ascendant is.

You know, I've always admired your honesty, Milton.

So if that's what you want, I'll take you to the ascendant.

Are we sure Cupid's here?

Mystic Falls Lonely Hearts Club.

Starts in an hour.

Looks like we're right on time.

What are we waiting for?

- You.

- Yeah.

Okay, look, I'll respect it this one time, but you can't be calling - shotgun times infinity.

- Come on.

- That's too many times.

- Get over it.

Hey, baby wings.

Oh.

Oh, damn.

Want a bite?

Oh, c-come on, Wade.

Man Love isn't a fairy tale.

Love is a serious commitment, a powerful bond.

A declaration of souls uniting, and today it is - Emma Tig.

- And Dorian Williams.

whose souls are uniting in matrimony.

Should anyone present know of any reason why this couple should not be wedded, - Speak now - I object.

Jed.

No.

What are you doing here?

I love you, Ms. Tig.

No one's ever understood me like you do.

So don't marry Mr. Williams.

Marry me instead.

Make me the happiest wolf in the pack.

Oh, God.

Come on, Landon.

The book says we only have to sh**t him with one of his arrows to take him out.

I'm trying, okay?

Okay.

Come on, just one.

Blind love.

One of my best.

Makes lovers' hearts nice and plump for the picking.

Delicious.

- Guys.

- What, Wade?

I can't see.

Nice try.

Come on!

Do another.

Hope.

Uh-oh.

Fun's over.

Uh, we were I was just, um Just trying to help?

Look, Cupid's arrows are his weakness, - so we were just trying to - Exsurgo.

No fair.

Okay.

- Hope.

Hope, wait.

- We will talk about this later.

Wade, you still can't see anything?

- Yeah, it's-it's that arrow.

- I thought the research said that that the magic would wear off after we k*lled him.

Uh, about that.

Looks like Cupid flew the coop.

Phesmatos oculacs.

Thanks, Alyssa.

You're amazing.

- It's Lizzie Saltzman, isn't it?

- Hmm?

The other woman that's in the way of you and me.

Uh, no, I'm over Lizzie.

But you chased after her for years, even when I was here all along.

Weren't you just with Jed?

He's a booty howl.

But you you're the kind of guy a girl could settle down with forever.

Uh, th-that's just my natural vampire smolder.

- I'll tone that down.

- Or don't.

Uh Uh, I'm into somebody new.

Well, that's convenient.

Who?

Some slutty werewolf in Canada?

I don't like being lied to.

No, it's Kym.

The intern?

And she has nothing to do with the ascendant.

So, it was never gonna be me?

I'm sorry, Alyssa.

But can we still be friends?

No, thanks.

I don't have friends.

Are you sure the research said that Cupid's weakness was his arrows?

Look, Kym said it was basically the one constant across every version of the Cupid mythos.

Well, it wouldn't be the first time the legends got something wrong, though.

What if we got the monster wrong?

Didn't Cupid have siblings?

The Erotes.

Each representing a different type of love and attraction.

Each one with a different weakness.

Oh, God.

Gods.

Plural.

Seven of them.

Okay.

Okay, I guess we got to Come on.

What happened?

I-I-I tried to stick to the plan, but once you were gone This is why I do everything myself.

Except it wasn't you making out with her.

And it wasn't you manipulating her.

But it doesn't matter.

Alyssa she-she went insane.

She's not just in love with me, it's like she was obsessed.

That's the arrow that Cupid gave me to use on her.

Obsession.

Like boiling-bunnies, burn-your-house-down obsession?

That's not romance, Hope.

That's a whole different movie genre.

I just I grabbed the strongest one I could find.

Then I guess we both messed up.

I told Alyssa that I'm into Kym.

Go.

I'll take care of this.

Hey.

I'll never get used to that.

Hey!

Pack it up!

- What's wrong?

- Clear out!

Let's go!

Let's get out of here.

- What's wrong?

- Your boy Cupid wasn't so angelic after all.

Dude's got a bloodlust that even I can't compete with.

Okay?

We got to get out of here.

Kym.

Sweet, you're okay.

I'll explain later, but I got to get you out of here.

Oh, she's not going anywhere with you.

I saw you on that date.

- The date that you ruined?

- Ruined?

It didn't look so ruined with you vamping your tongue down Alyssa Chang's throat.

What?

That is not how it happened.

That was a part of an incredibly poorly-thought-out but well-intentioned plan.

Yeah, you see this?

This is exactly why I didn't want you two dating.

We can talk about this later, but right now - we got to jet, man.

- Come on.

Morabor.

Sorry.

This is between us girls.

I thought I k*lled you.

No, you thought you k*lled Cupid.

But I am his taller, hotter, cooler, older brother Pothos.

Can't imagine that Burning Love arrow feels too good, does it?

It burns you from the inside out until your whole body is reduced to ash.

Save for your juicy, delicious heart.

Hey!

Eat me instead.

A weak loser heart or badass witch heart tenderized by one of my arrows?

I'm good, thanks.

How about now?

Can we talk about this like the mature women we are?

Okay, let's talk.

Do you know how long I've waited for MG to pay attention to me?

And then you show up and sweep him off his feet?

A human?

Like, have standards, MG.

sh**t your sh*t, then.

MG's apparently open for business.

We've never even been on a date.

Our date was amazing.

Until he said that he doesn't want me.

He wants you.

So, if I can't have him, no one can.

It was fun while it lasted.

Kaleb.

Kym, you all right?

Okay, it's okay.

You got her.

You got her.

Epic love arrow.

- You brought out the big g*ns.

- That's right.

Well, you've never eaten a heart as full of love as mine is for her.

Is that why you were unloading all your relationship problems on me?

That stuff I said doesn't matter.

The love that Hope and I have for each other is more than I ever dreamed of finding in my lifetime.

More than I even thought was possible.

The only problem with our relationship is that I have no idea why she picked a guy like me in the first place.

That's just my arrow talking.

Is it?

I don't really feel the difference.

I already love Hope Mikaelson with all my heart.

I don't want to live without her.

So if you're going to k*ll her, you need to k*ll me, too.

If you insist.

Landon, no!

Don't worry.

You're next.

Your boyfriend's smarter than he looks.

Hey.

- Hey.

- Hope.

- Hi.

- You're okay.

It worked.

Yeah, your plan to get your heart eaten in front of me?

Yeah, it worked.

What did you do?

After you left the bar, we figured out that wasn't actually Cupid.

It was one of the other gods of love.

Yeah, you know, I learned that the hard way when Pothos introduced himself to me.

Oh.

You were one step ahead of us, then.

We just knew that they each had a different weakness, so I ate sheep's brain, um, hemlock, molten silver, yew bark, red wine and devil's ivy, a toxic plant otherwise known as pothos.

Guess that was the one.

You did all that to save me?

I'd do it again and again and again Okay, show-off.

You, uh, should clean up.

Not so fast.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Oh, I was looking for you earlier.

Um, I wanted to say I'm really sorry about Alyssa.

It's not your fault.

You were just trying to save your friends.

But I almost got sliced in half by a witch today.

And Cupid turned out to be some heart-eating asshat.

Welcome to the Salvatore School.

About that.

This school is amazing.

And I'm so glad that you and my brother get to have a place like this.

But today scared me.

You're leaving, aren't you?

Mm-hmm.

I hate it when my brother's right.

Me, too.

Whenever I'm in Atlanta, could I could I call you?

I'll be waiting by the magic mirror.

Ham?

I hate ham.

You are not helping yourself here.

But you could if you had a way to bring the Saltzmans back.

Honestly I don't know how.

Oh.

Okay.

Um then I guess I'd get comfy here.

At least for the time being.

Oh.

One last thing.

Uh MG is not into you.

And you trying to get with him almost got my sister k*lled today.

So find yourself a new crush.

I'll get right on that.

Yeah.

Hey.

I should probably schedule a session with Jed about this.

So are we married or not?

You know, I always thought Ric would be my best man.

We're going to get him back.

Yeah.

The Cupid thing just - got us all a little - Distracted.

- Exactly.

- You know, was that the outcome, or was that his intention?

- Thank Queen Mab, you're here.

- What's wrong?

Well, with you and Mr.

Williams off campus, and as student security supervisor, I was notified of a breach in the protection spell surrounding the school Someone broke into the weapons armory.

What did they take?

Junk.

Junk!

Junk!

Why'd we waste our time stealing all this junk again, Chad?

Chad?

What took you so long?

I had to wait until they buried him.

- Then I had to dig him up.

- Excuses.

Always excuses!

Just put him with the Sphinx.

Hey.

Isn't that that thing Pothos said he wanted in exchange for distracting the Salvatore kids?

The Golden Arrow.

Good job, Chad.

Yeah.

Don't touch it.

Hey.

Hey.

Am I interrupting something?

Just me, um, trying and failing to find a way to bring the Saltzmans back.

Look, I know I've been reluctant to let you step up.

But obviously you can handle yourself.

Besides, I don't have all the answers either.

Hey.

Don't worry.

We won't give up until we find a way to get 'em back.

Did you mean what you said about not knowing why I picked you?

Oh, uh I-I mean Maybe.

Sometimes.

What is this?

Oh, just read it.

I wrote it when I got back.

"He's so patient and trusting and kind, and a thousand other things I never was.

" "So, if all I ever have is the memory of the way he loved me, then I will survive this.

" Landon.

Holy smokes!

Don't let me go.

Never.