10x16 - Flat-Top O' the Morning to Ya

[bunniefuu]

♪ La, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Irish, Irish, nyah. ♪

Top o' the morning, my little shamrocks.

Happy St. Paddy's Day.

- (kisses)
- (kids groan)

(gasps) None of you are wearing green.

I pinch you, I pinch you, I pinch you, and you.

Ah, you pinched my boob.

Yeah, bring it down a notch, lady.

- When did you get up?
- : .

I wanted to make corned beef hash.

Hash? Isn't that illegal?

It was, then it wasn't. What a ride.

An Irish coffee for you, Bob.

W-Wait-wait, there's whiskey in this?

What? No.

Is that what an Irish coffee is? I was just calling it that

'cause I accidentally dropped some corned beef in it.

(gulps) Yeah, yeah.
You-you dropped a lot.

Thank you, though, for making all of this, but we're just gonna keep St. Patrick's Day up here, right?

No dyeing stuff green in the restaurant?

What? No. Just the beer.

- (groans)
- You'll love it.

Well, I'm glad you're excited about today because I'm really not looking forward to going to the depressing restaurant liquidation auction.

Why is it depressing?

'Cause you're going to a failed restaurant to pick over its remains for some cheap plates?

It's like taking the boots off a dead guy.

And then serving food in those boots.

I'd buy plates at a restaurant supply place, but I heard you can get 'em at an auction for, like, a third of the price.

All right, Dad, let me see your auction face.

My auction face? Um, okay, this?

- That's it, I'm coming.
- You want to come?

You need me to come. You can't go in there alone.

With that face, they'll eat you up.

- And that hair. Sorry.
- I want to go.

I want to hear the auctioneer talk really fast and say a bunch of numbers.

, . Do I hear ? ...

Sold, to the man with the hot son.

I could go for some auction action, watch Dad get his "aucsh" on.

Plus, a failed restaurant liquidation?

Huh, it'll be like time-traveling into our own future.

God, I hope it's not our future.

Don't worry, Dad.

Future Gene is gonna be a famous reggaeton star, and you can live in his guesthouse.

You'll have to earn hot tub access, though.

- Wink, wink.
- Mm-hmm.

(overlapping chatter)

I have the light, people.
It's my turn to go.

- I know you can hear me.
- Maybe they're just shy.

I bet they're going to the St. Patrick's Day street fair

- on Front Street.
- Or it's a really inelegant

- flash mob?
- (car horn honks)

Happy St. Paddy's.

- Erin go bragh.
- More like "Erin go butt."

- Yup.
- I think this is my new favorite holiday.

- (grunting)
- Beachum Barbecue.

Huh, this might've been a barbecue place?

You cracked it, Tina.

And we're here to pick the meat off their bones.

- It's so fitting.
- (groans)

Next item up for bid is lot three:

salt and pepper shakers, sets.

Do I hear five dollars?

Okay, here they are...
No cracks, no chips,

- but this definitely feels creepy.
- AUCTIONEER: Sold, for six dollars. What a steal.

I really thought they'd go for more. Wow.

Okay, I can live with creepy.

(gulps) Ah...

Nothing like green beer to get you in the spirit of ol' St. Pat, huh? You gonna join me, or, uh, am I celebrating alone like a sad person?

Sure, what the heck?
I'll have a green beer.

It's only work.

Gosh, it's a shame we only get to dye beer once a year, and that I'm not supposed to dye anything else in here green.

Huh, what else can you dye green?

Lots of things, like, maybe the mustard and the ketchup?

- That'd be cute.
- I'd eat green mustard.

Doctor's always telling me I got to get more greens in my diet.

But Bob doesn't want to dye anything else.

Damn Bob and his mysterious hatred of green.

I am so over that guy.

Maybe he wouldn't mind if we just did one bottle.

Mmm. Oh, I can really taste the food coloring.

Mmm, yeah, I had to use a lot. Ha,

- your mouth.
- (laughs) Your mouth.

- Oh, God, look at us.
- Ah...

We look so Irish.

Wow. Think about all the meals they cooked in here, all the hopes and dreams of whoever owned this place, poof, gone.

Actually, I don't want to think about it. Oh, God.

- Dad, do you need a hug?
- No. Maybe.

Come here, you son of a bitch. (grunting)

Why do you think it went out of business?

Do you think they just kept forgetting to switch the sign to "open"?

I don't know. Maybe people just stopped coming.

Maybe the chef lost his touch.

Maybe it was just a lot of little mistakes, but maybe they added up and one day it all just came crashing down. (laughs)

These slotted spoons are very slotted.

No slot shaming.

Um, did anyone else think that guy's mustache

- looked a little weird?
- Who, Dad? You get used to it.

No, that guy.

Look, color's odd, shape's odd.

- It's peeling off a tiny bit.
- Oh, yeah.

It's a lip wig. I like it.

- All right, let's go in.
- Wait, kids.

Uh, no, no, no, don't bother him.

Hey. So what's up?

Slotted spoons, that's your thing?

I love it. What else you gonna bid on?

Ah, you know, whatever I can get a good deal on.

(laughs) Yeah. Perhaps a good deal on a new fake mustache?

Uh, sorry about her.
Uh, y-your mustache

- doesn't look, um, that fake.
- Is it obvious?

Cutting off the price

- tag would have helped.
- Right, right.

So what's with the super convincing disguise?

This is... this is my restaurant.

Oh, no. Uh, this is your place?

It was. Now it's the bank's.

- So you're a Beachum?
- Yeah. I'm Jules Beachum.

I basically grew up in this place.

Oh, uh, I'm Bob. So what happened?

Wh-Why'd you close?
Sorry, is that rude?

I just, I really need to know because of, um, fear.

After my father retired, people thought it changed around here.

They started coming less and less, and I got behind on bills.

And one day, it was, it was just over.

Maybe we should start paying our bills, Dad.

This is so sad. I-I'm so sorry.

So what kind of restaurant you got?

I assume you have one, judging by your clogs and your fear.

Yup. Uh, it's a burger place.
So what are you doing here?

- I'm here to get one thing.
- It on?

No. My family's flattop grill.

Oh, yeah. Makes sense.

All the history, all the blood, sweat and pork butt my family poured out onto this grill.

- Anyone else getting hungry?
- The flavors that took years to develop.

Those flavors belong to my family.

Uh, yeah, if there was a fire in my place, the flattop would be the first thing I grab.

Oh, and also my kids. And-and my wife.

- Aw.
- And the leather jacket I made you?

Okay, so if you're here to bid on the flattop,

I'm still not getting the disguise.

I'm not gonna bid on the flattop.

- Okay...
- You promise you won't act weird?

Um, that's a weird thing to say.

- I'm gonna steal it.
- What?

- Nice.
- No, no, no, don't do that.

You promised you wouldn't act weird.

Um, no, I-I didn't.

I'm just waiting for them to put it on a dolly and wheel it into the dining room when it's up for bid.

A-And then what?

I run down the street with it to my car, if I haven't been towed.

- I had to park in a no-no spot.
- This is a terrible plan.

It's been a tough couple of weeks, man.

I just don't want to feel like I let my family's dream slip away, and I got nothing to show for it.

Look, I completely get that, but not the other stuff,

- the stealing stuff.
- Well, now you know my plan, so you're a part of it, like it or not.

No, I'm not... I'm-I'm definitely not a part of it.

Yes, we are!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Let's do this!

And then let's hit the museum and take a nudie painting!

Next item, lot . Bus tubs.

I-I'm not gonna commit grand theft flattop.

- I just came for plates.
- Face it, Dad, the restaurant gods didn't bring us here to get plates.

Yeah, we're supposed to help Jules steal back his family jewel.

Shouldn't sad restaurant people help each other out?

There are better options other than stealing it.

Y-You-you could talk to the bank?

Oh, yeah, sure, yeah, they're super nice about stuff, right?

That's their thing.

Or you could wait for someone to buy it and then ask if you can come visit it?

Yeah, nothing's really b*ating "steal it."

No, we can't steal the flattop. That's stealing.

Look, Jules, even if you did do your plan, you also have no plan.

The plan is that we work together to get the biggest thing out of here without getting noticed.

Too bad Jules doesn't want his family whisk

'cause that'd be just, like, plop, down the pants.

And if anyone asked, "Is that a whisk in your pants?" we'd say, "That's my wiener, sir," and we'd tip our cap and off we'd go.

Bob, just help me steal my flattop, and if this ever happens to you, I'll help you steal yours.

No. This isn't a su1c1de pact.

Is it even stealing if it's your family's flattop?

Well, technically, it's stealing from the bank, which makes this like bank robbing, which makes this great.

Oh, my God, it is just like bank robbing.

- Yeah.
- And anyone notice a missing whisk?

- Gene, put it back.
- Oh, boo.

Green fries? Are you kidding me? What a day to be alive.

All right, now that we're officially doing this...

Even though Bob didn't want us to...

Should we, you know... ?

- What?
- Dye the burgers.

(laughs) What color? Oh, right. Green.

Yeah, once the lunch rush hits, if Bob comes back and sees these people ordering green burgers left and right, he'll say we should dye the meat green every St. Paddy's Day, probably Christmas, too.

And Arbor Day, Labor Day, Green Day Day.

Ah, that ought to do it.

And mix, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix, mix.

Uh, too much green, got to add a little beef.

(grunts) Ah, too beefy, needs more green.

(grunts) Just a little more meat to balance it out.

Now it's fun. And now all our ground beef is green.

What was the old color? I don't remember.

Next item, lot , more bus tubs.

Do I hear ten dollars?

Pretty please? That's an auctioning term.

Okay, stealing the flattop...
Let's go over the pros and cons.

Con... You could get arrested.

So, con... you become a con.

- Mm-hmm. And pro... ?
- There is no pro.

Maybe we should help him, Dad. This could be you.

He even has a fake mustache like you.

My mustache is real, Tina.

You keep telling yourself that, pal.

You know what, Bob? You're right. It's a dumb plan.

I just thought I could save at least one little bit of my family's dream, but that's not gonna happen.

Let's take a little break, shall we?

Give you all a minute to find your money. (chuckles)

And give me a chance to call my mom.

She doesn't know I do this.

She thought I said "actuary," and I never corrected her.

- Oh, my God, now's my chance.
- No, no, wait, no.

- Bob, Bob, grab the other end.
- Oh, God.

I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.

Quick. (grunts) Let's get this onto the dolly.

I can't believe I'm doing this. (grunting)

I mean, you're barely doing it, no offense.

Okay, let's just roll it right out the back door.

(groans) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I'll navigate.
- This is great, Jules.

This is working. Oh, man, this feels good.

(laughs) Shut up, shut up.

What the heck is going on?

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, it's padlocked.
Wait. Jules Beachum?

Yes, it's me, Jules Beachum.

Yeah, no, I know. That's why I said your name.

Step away from lot .

This grill belongs to my family.

No, it belongs to the bank, and soon to one of these people.

Uh, hi. I-I know it looks like I'm helping Jules steal this.

I'm not. I-I was falling, and my hands landed on it.

Come on, Bob, front door, front door.

- Go, go, go!
- (grunts)

But he's in front of the door.

Remember when I said you had a bad plan?

This is what bad plans look like.

- Stop. Just stop right there.
- I'm so sorry.

Kitchen, kitchen. Back in the kitchen.

Retreat, retreat!

All right. That'll buy us a minute.

AUCTIONEER: Give up, Jules, you're trapped.

He's right. There's no other door.

Can we just not do this?

- Quick, in here.
- What the... ?

- (groans)
- TINA: Is it gonna fit?

- Just barely.
- Oh. Hang on.

(grunting)

- Why'd you open a window?
- 'Cause they'll think

- we escaped through there.
- Right, but the grill can't fit through that window.

You're overthinking this, Dad.

Open window equals "Maybe they went that way."

- (grunts) Where'd they go?
- Look.

They must have gone out that window.

The grill can't fit through that.

Maybe they folded it?

They folded a steel grill?

I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

Should we call the police?

Eh, that'll be a whole thing.

Let's go back to the auction and deal with this later.

My idea going once, going twice. Sold. Let's do my idea.

I can't believe you talked us into this, Dad.

It's very irresponsible of you.

Shame on you. Bad boy.

I don't like any of you. Except maybe Tina.

- Hey. - Ouch.
- Yes.

This is all great, day's going great. Just great.

What is this place, a spice dungeon?

It was my family's hiding spot for the ingredients that we use in our top secret barbecue sauce.

- Powdered orange drink mix?
- Well, don't shout it.

- (whispers): Sorry.
- Mm, mm.

Oh, yeah, this would go great on finger meat.

So you make your secret sauce from all this?

Yep. ingredients in very precise amounts that my dad wrote down in his very hard-to-read handwriting.

You read this. Does that say "teaspoons" or "teacups"?

I-I think it's "teaspoons."

Wait a minute. Maybe it does say "teacups."

So, you don't know the right amounts?

Well, honestly, I put this in, I don't put this in.

I can't taste the difference.

- Wait, really?
- Yeah, it's not my thing.

It was... I guess it was never my thing.

What? Wh-What do you mean?

This place was my parents' dream.

It wasn't, like, my dream.

Then why are we stealing your flattop?

I just thought I needed, uh... to keep some piece of this place.

Yeah, the heaviest piece.

So, what is your dream?

Yeah, it's-it's silly.

It's, uh, beekeeping.

- My dream is to keep bees.
- Keep bees?

Yeah. It's been a hobby. Fell into it.

It was a rocky start. I had two bees in a jar and they d*ed.

And you don't mash 'em up to make honey.

- Nobody tells you that.
- Nobody should have to.

But then I got a book and I got a hive and I got one of those cool suits, which I love.

I love wearing it, and I think I look good in it.

And, yeah, my dream is to go pro.

But it's just really, really hard to milk bees to get honey.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

- I don't do that anymore.
- AUCTIONEER: Lot , a set of plates in excellent condition.

- Huh?
- Do I hear $ ?

Oh, come on. $ ?

- I was willing to pay $ .
- No?

- Okay, well, how about $ ?
- (whimpers)

$ over here. $ going once, $ going twice.

Here.

Sold, for the surprisingly low price of $ . Wow.

(groans)

What do we even need plates for?

Yeah, laps are the plates of the body.

What secret ingredient is this?

Oh, those are my dad's ashes.

-Aah!
-I'm kidding. I think it's pepper.

My dad's dog Pepper.

LINDA: I don't get it.

How come these green burgers aren't selling?

Beats me. What's not fun about green meat?

- (entry bell jingles)
- Happy St. Paddy's Day.

Uh, happy St. Paddy's Day to you.

So, you're in luck. Our burgers today are green-colored in honor of the late St. Patrick.

He only ate green foods.
So what can I get you?

Oh, uh, no green burger for me.

- Regular burger would be great.
- Yeah, same for me.

Are you crazy? It's the one day a year you can eat a green burger and not get super sick.

That is true. A-And what if I told you that we don't have regular burgers, just green ones?

Uh, we would not eat here?

What if you closed your eyes and pretended it was a brown burger?

- We'll, um, come back tomorrow?
- Maybe?

-You need to try 'em. How you gonna know?
-I don't need to try it.

Are you gonna go through life never trying anything?

-You're pushing. It's, it's a pull.
-Don't go.

Don't leave. Don't go.

- I'm pulling.
- Have a beer.

What's going on with everyone today?

Where's the St. Paddy's Day spirit?

I'm gonna have to toss out pounds of green meat.

Too bad the St. Patrick's Day street fair isn't right here on Ocean Avenue.

I bet those people would gobble up green meat.

Huh. What if we go to them?

How would we... How we gonna do that?

I'll make slider burgers and pass them out there.

- Right.
- Sure, we won't make money and that's bad and Bob won't like that, but it'll be great advertising.

Eh, you know what we do? We tell 'em it's ground-up leprechaun meat.

Exactly. And tomorrow we'll be packed.

Drunk people always remember things the next day.

They sure do.

(groans) Oh, what do we do?

Should we call Mom, tell her we live here now?

We could last for days in here.

Spices are food, right, Dad?

- (piano playing)
- Dad?

♪ In a way I have my own spice dungeon ♪

- You mean your and Mom's bedroom?
- Tina.

- Sorry.
- ♪ A super secret place down deep inside ♪

- In your butt?
- Gene, shush.

♪ But instead of cumin, cinnamon and cardamom ♪

- Those are spices.
- ♪ Fear and terror ♪

♪ Are the spices that I hide ♪

♪ One question keeps me up at night ♪

♪ Kids, I guess I ought to tell you ♪

♪ "Is our restaurant a recipe for failure?" ♪

♪ Are we a burger sinking ship? ♪

♪ Am I a burger-flipping sailor? ♪

Okay, you changed metaphors there.

♪ Is our restaurant a recipe for failure? ♪

Wait, Dad, um, seriously?

You think we don't know about all that stuff?

- Your failure fears?
- We know about the secret failure dungeon in your butt.

Wait, you do?

I mean, yeah, you drop the F-b*mb sometimes.

- A lot. All the time.
- Oh.

But it's a pretty cool message for, you know, young minds

- heading out into the world.
- Right, right.

Uh, forget I said anything. I mean...

♪ I think our restaurant is doing ♪

(high-pitched): ♪ Great! ♪

- Nice save.
- Okay, hear me out.

- Okay.
- We give up.

- Give up?
- And then we leave this room.

- Leave this room?
- Look, Jules, I-I don't know how we're gonna get this flattop to stay in your family.

At this point I think we're just trying to keep you from being arrested.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah, right, right, right, yeah.

But if we can talk the auctioneer out of calling the police,

I think we could find a good home for your grill.

Yeah, maybe it'll live on a farm somewhere.

Like our Sea-Monkeys.

No, I don't want it going to some reseller, ending up somewhere it's not gonna be loved.

I promise we'll try and get it in the hands of someone who's gonna use it, someone's whose dream

- is having a restaurant.
- Maybe you're right.

I guess I should let this thing live on someplace else.

Okay, I think I'm ready to let it go.

We're taking Pepper out of here, right?

Good point. Wait, is that Pepper?

Or is that Pepper? Which one's Pepper?

This one's either paprika or dog.

Well, well, well, look who's back.

TINA: We didn't actually fold the grill and climb out the window.

Oh. None of us thought you did.

Uh, hi, yeah. So, um...

We're really sorry about the whole flattop thing.

Hopefully you didn't call the police.

And please don't, since we're, um, a-apologizing.

(sighs) I won't call the police if you promise you're done with this little freak-out.

Yeah. We're done.

- So, can I sell it?
- Wait.

Can I just say something first?

- This flattop is special.
- Hey, I was gonna say that.

This flattop is special.

Let's start the bidding at a thousand.

Wait, wait, wait. I-I made a promise that I'd try to get this to someone who will appreciate it.

Not just a reseller.

- Hey.
- Sorry. You're great.

- At reselling, I think.
- Thank you.

(sighs) Look, this flattop is special.

I have one just like it, and we work hard to make good food on it.

So, if there's anyone here who would really love this flattop and, a-and-and scrape it a little more...

This one looks like someone fell behind on that...

Anyway, please bid on this.

- $ , .
- Gene.

Does anyone here own a restaurant or-or trying to start a restaurant?

That's not really how we do this.

You're kind of stepping on my thing.

Do I hear a thousand?

- I'll go a thousand.
- What are you doing, Jules?

You promised me, Bob. No resellers.

Whoa, whoa.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no.

Go, flattop, go! You're free now, boy.

Ow, my joints. Running downhill, I hate it so much.

Grab it. Jules, get in front.

Grab the sides.

Oh, thank God, nobody got hurt.

Aw, man, it hit my car.

That's your car? It's really small, Jules.

- This was never gonna fit in there.
- But on the plus side, you'll always have that dent to remember it by.

And you didn't get a ticket.

- Oh, yeah, you did.
- You got two.

LINDA: Bob's Burgers. Free samples.

They're tiny, they're green.

You're drunk. I'm tipsy.

Free green meat.

BOTH: Free green meat.

- Let's go.
- Free green meat.

- You know you're hungry.
- Free green meat.

You're gonna throw up.

- Free green meat.
- She's throwing up.

She's puking all over.
That is disgusting.

Look at that damage. I won't be able to move this.

- I'm out.
- Okay, let's try this again.

Do I hear, uh, $ ?

- I'll bid $ .
- Do I hear $ ?

No? Why would I?

Sold, $ .

Please, tell me you have a restaurant?

I'm opening one up. A cheesesteak place.

That's great. See, Jules, your grill's gonna make cheesesteaks.

Yeah, I'm calling it Yummy Yummy Cheesy Beefs.

- Okay.
- And my hook is gonna be, instead of serving 'em on hoagie buns, I'm gonna use waffle cones.

Uh, maybe don't tell us any more of your fun ideas, but, uh, good luck with that.

Point is, it's-it's living on.

So, how are you feeling?

- Okay, I think.
- You know, Jules, your parents would want you to follow your dream.

I want that for my kids.

You have kids? I thought those were just your friends.

- Uh, they're not my friends.
- (laughs): Yeah, no.

- I mean, we're work friends.
- GENE AND LOUISE: Eh...

So, if your heart's telling you to be a beekeeper...

- I just wish I wasn't allergic.
- (sighs): Oh, my God.

But that makes it exciting.

Mm, call us when you get that honey, honey.

I guess we'll just tell your mom the plates were cursed.

There's no way of explaining how many bad decisions we made back there.

You might not have gotten a deal on plates, but you did help a guy follow his bee dream.

And also helped another stranger with his dream...

Yummy Yummy Cheesy Beefs.

And we're going there when it opens

'cause that place sounds perfect.

Dad, you're so good at touching strangers.

I feel alive or something.

I stared our restaurant's death in the face and I'm stronger for it.

Maybe I'll try not to constantly think we're gonna fail.

Or if I do, I won't say it out loud.

Save it for my wedding speech.

Why is the restaurant closed?

Where's your mother?

And why does it look like a Shrek exploded in here?

Oh, my God. Your mother went rogue.

No, she went brogue.

Irish? Brogue?

- Get it?
- Nice one, T.

- (groans)
- LINDA: Come inside, everyone!

I'll fire up the grill. Who wants a St. Paddy's Day melt?

- Lin?
- Hi, Bobby!

We got some customers. Look.

- I see that.
- They're drunk and hungry.

- And not too rowdy.
- Great.

But we don't have to make green burgers, do we?

- Green burgers for everyone!
- Yep. Yep.

TEDDY: Hey, we're starting a conga line!

Ah. That's so St. Paddy's Day.

TEDDY (chanting): Irish, Irish, Irish.

CROWD: Irish, Irish, Irish. Irish, Irish, Irish.

TEDDY: ♪ There was a lass named Linda ♪

♪ She loved the Irish scene ♪

♪ And then one fateful Paddy's Day ♪

♪ She dyed the burgers green ♪

♪ They said that she was crazy, a nutty lunatic ♪

♪ 'Cause the thought of eating burgers green ♪

♪ Made everybody sick ♪

♪ Nobody had the courage to make food look so gross ♪

♪ Her thought process was something of a mystery ♪

♪ But she went ahead and did it against all common sense ♪

♪ And now she will go down in green food history ♪

♪ Irish, Irish, Irish ♪

♪ Linda Burger Celtic Queen ♪

- ♪ Oh! Oh! Oh! ♪
- MAN: More like "Erin go butt."