06x11 - The Bachelor Party/Escape Room

[bunniefuu]

(Giggles)

Okay, Stevie, I told you I didn't want a jokey bachelor party.

Also, my t-shirt is missing the "with".

Oh, no, I had yours custom-made.

- Okay.
- Now,

before I tell you what I have planned... for tonight's festivities,

I think we can all agree that putting me in charge of your joint bachelor party was a big mistake, right?

- I'm sure it's gonna be great.
- Absolutely.

And the fact that you guys wanted it to be the "bachelor party of your dreams" only added extra, totally unnecessary pressure

- to the whole thing.
- 'Kay, Stevie,

- we never said that.
- Oh no, you didn't.

David sent me a seven-page e-mail with the subject line,
We will be happy with whatever you've planned.

- Right, David?
- Yes.

Just depends on what she's planned.

- (Slurps)
- Oh.

(Intrigued) Oh...

David, you wanted something chic and elegant.

I have arranged for a night of customized appetizers and cocktails at the Wobbly Elm.

Wow, that's bleak. (Laughs)

But thank you... for planning that.

- (Whispers) There we go.
- Mm.

- Patrick...
- Yeah.

- You just wanted one thing.
- Mm-hmm.

So before we indulge in an elegant night of sh*ts, we will all experience the thrill of Elmdale's finest and only...

Escape Room.

- Yes!
- Okay,

isn't that a Jodie Foster movie?

No, David, that is Panic Room.

An escape room is like a, a fun group game where you're trapped in a room and you have to solve all these puzzles to get out.

(Laughs) You lost me at fun group game.

I'm sorry, my family agreed to this?

Your family hasn't responded to a single email, so they will be doing what we tell them to do.

Is there anything else on my list that we could do this evening?

If you could come up with the money for the Tahitian dolphin cruise, I'd happily change plans. No?

Don't say a word.

So I leaned in and I said, "Tippy, I'll take the job... for a hundred grand more than Clifton, and a diamond tennis bracelet."

What was the bracelet for?

Dramatic effect. Symbolism.

And you said Nicole Kidman is starring in it?

Oh, it doesn't matter who's starring!

I don't think the point is getting across.

No, no, I get it.

It's just that a lot of people would have a really hard time saying no to that kind of work,

especially when you spent the last three years talking about how badly you wanted to get outta this place.

Oh, we're still on course.

Oh, you know what they say, when one door closes, the floodgates open.

You got another job?

Say hello, ladies, to the new spokesperson of an international airline.

Oh my gosh, Mrs. Rose!

You're gonna be in a commercial for an airline?!

Radio, yes.

Voice-over work is every actor's dream.

- Well, I'm glad you're happy.
- Thank you!

I have to admit, Mrs. Rose, these past few weeks, I feel like I've been waiting on a famous person.

(Laughs) Twyla, you're not waiting on a famous person.

She's already arrived!

(Laughs)

(Blue Jay cries, dog barks)

(Door opens)

- 'Kay, what's going on?
- Hey, guys, come on in!

Close the door.

Johnny, this better be good.

I got a hot little BLT over at the café and I don't wanna keep her waitin'.

I got some big news.

I've been, uh, reaching out to some old business contacts about potentially investing in a motel franchise, and I got a very positive response today from Mike Morrison, my former assistant, who's now a big venture capitalist.

- Ooh, wow!
- Okay, so what does this mean?

More, more money?

Possibly.

I'm listening.

Well, I don't wanna put the cart before the horse here, but I have a feeling this is a prospect we can all get very excited about! (Laughs)

But what does this mean? Do they wanna invest?

Do they like the idea?

Well, they haven't heard the idea yet.

I gave him a teaser in my last e-mail.

And, uh, we'll have to take a meeting with him and, you know, do a formal pitch.

Sure. Well, when's the meeting?

We don't actually have a meeting yet, but he is calling today, so...

Johnny, I'm sorry, I was so busy being excited like you asked, that, um, I think I missed something here.

Do we have an investor or do we have a meeting?

We might.

And I want you to keep this information to yourself.

I don't want the family finding out and getting their hopes up.

I'm pretty sure I can keep this one to myself.

Okay. Yeah, I don't know about me.

I mean, if the local papers ask me about the rumor that you might be getting a phone call...

All right, all right, you know what, Roland?

You can go and finish your sandwich now.

Thank you. And by the way, Johnny, you should check to make sure this place isn't bugged.

We wouldn't want the big news to leak out!

- It is big news...
- (Door closes)

probably.

(Key rattles in door)

- (Door shuts)
- Hi.

What, uh, um... are those... sweatpants?

Yeah, I started getting dressed for work and I got distracted.

What could have possibly distracted you enough

- to do that to yourself?
- (Emotional) It d*ed, David.

Okay, if you're talking about your style, we can bring it back to life.

Ted gave this to me.

It's like the one thing left of our relationship

- and it's gone.
- 'Kay,

I would argue that you still have your memories.

This weird little desert daisy thing...

- It's a succulent.
- Literally not supposed to die, and yet it did.

Like what does that say about me?

I think that's a longer conversation.

But here's one thing that'll make you feel good... my bachelor party tonight.

I'm pretty sure I told Stevie that I couldn't come, or like I started sending her an email saying that.

I don't know, I just...

I can't seem to do anything right now.

Mm-hmm. I never thought I'd have to say this, but there is only space in this family for one unstable sibling, and I have held that title for a very long time, so you are going to have to get it together.

David, I don't have a boyfriend anymore.

I'm like trying get my business off the ground, but honestly, like how many people in this town need a publicist? Like, what am I doing?

Well, as of : tonight, you will be thoroughly enjoying yourself at my bachelor party.

So, why don't you take a couple of Mom's happy pills and we can just put this whole situation on ice

- until tomorrow?
- No, I can't.

I have to escort a client to a meeting.

- Moira: Alexis!
- Ugh!

Are you almost ready, dear?

The airline will not be impressed if we don't have an on-schedule arrival at the studio.

Oh, David, is it all right if I don't watch Panic Room with everyone tonight?

Jo Foster once screened it for me privately and I would like to keep that memory safe.

It's an escape room followed by a really sad reception, and everyone will be participating.

Thank you so much!

- Johnny: Stevie?
- Yeah?

I got this picture of David back from the printer.

- I hope it's big enough.
- Oh my God, this is perfect!

Are you sure we can't move the bachelor party to the motel here? We can bring out some games, and, you know, escape from... one room to the other.

This is just a bad time to be away from the business.

Ah... bachelor party, right?

Yeah, it's just for family.

Well, I think godfather is part of the family, is he not?

Roland, I need you manning the phones.

(Sighs) Take it easy, Johnny, okay?

Not that it's gonna happen, but I'll come running when Ike Morrison calls.

You mean Mike Morrison.

You're waiting on a call from him, too?

That's the only call I'm expecting.

No, you said you were waiting on a call from "Ike" Morrison.

I don't know an Ike Morrison.

Mike Morrison was my assistant for years,

I think I know what his name is.

Well, that's what I thought!

So I was confused when a Mike Morrison called

- after you said Ike Morrison...
- Mike Morrison called?!

- Yeah.
- Well, give me the number!

You know, maybe this is why

Roland shouldn't be in charge of phones.

Hey!

Hello? Oh, voicemail.

Uh, Mike, Mike. Hi, it's Johnny Rose calling.

Sorry I didn't get your message.

Uh, a few technical difficulties on our end, but, uh, it's Johnny Rose calling.

Uh, Johnny Rose calling you back.

Uh, bye.

(Phone beeps off)

Oh, I don't know. H-how did that sound?

Is there an option to redo it?

Uh... no.

- Yeah, it was fine.
- Okay.

I don't think you mentioned your name.

(Car whooshes, birds chirp)

Producer: The copy's on the stand.

We'd like for you to read it exactly as written.

Oh wow, a prolific amount of material.

And I am being paid for each spot, so hah!

Oh, uh, we agreed to a flat rate with your publicist.

Well, there'll be nothing flat about my performance.

(Chuckles) Okay. Whenever you're ready, Moira.

Just start at the top, and... high energy.

Con brio, Si!

(Clears throat)

"We really care... at Larry Air."

I like that, it's snappy.

- "We really care...
- Just roll right through.

Just go on to the next line, please.

"A deal so rare, it's Larry Air."

"Never flown Larry Air? Try Larry Air."

Oh, that's a touch uninspired. Alexis?

(Whispers) Alexis! I'd rather not use that one.

Okay, so I'm being told just to read through them all and then we'll figure it out after, okay?

And higher energy.

Higher... (Clears throat)

(Higher pitched) "Get your derriere on Larry Air... "

That's a bit chummy for an airline.

Couldn't we maybe take a moment to rework some of these?

The client's not here.

It's my job just to get you to say the words.

(Sighs)

(Deeper voice) "Larry Air.

We'll take you from there... to here... "

Now that should switched, shouldn't it? You should...

Alexis, I can't work like this!

No.

- (Frustrated sigh)
- Alexis!

I'm so sorry. This is like the first offer I could get after that whole "Sunrise Bay" thing went down, and I...

I thought it would get you back out there, but I did not know that it would be this.

Have I made a terrible mistake, Alexis?

Is this the lowest point of my life?

Okay, look who you're talking to.

I haven't showered in like two days.

Is this the lowest point of my life?

Thought you should know that we can hear

- your entire conversation.
- Ooh... okay.

You should not have to do this, so you start the car and I will cover for you.

Oh, Alexis, no.

No, dear, I could not let you do that for me.

(Protracted throat clear)

Just hit "record".

(Imitating Moira) "Try one of our in-flight meals, if you dare... at Larry Air."

I'm sorry, this is not... this is not good, so.

Hmm, hmm, hmm!

(Cars whoosh by)

Okay, well, um, I would just like to welcome everybody to our... bachelor party.

Is anyone else not getting a signal in here?

- I thought there were drinks.
- That's after.

Okay, how about half of us do the escape room, and then the other half of us get a table at the bar?

Okay, how 'bout you shh for a sec.

Now, this will all go a lot smoother if we just accept the fact

that this is something we have to do, and that Patrick, for some reason, thinks this is gonna be...

- (Door opens)
- ...fun!

- Fun!
- Here he is.

Hi, hi, hi. Sorry, it took me forever to find a spot.

- That's okay!
- Who's excited, huh?!

- Oh, hah-hah.
- Oh... huzzah.

So I guess you're all wondering uh...

- what're we doing here? (Laughs)
- All: (Mumbling) Hmm...

But, uh, the annual escape room challenge has been a Brewer family tradition for a long time, and I thought it could be fun to share it with my new family, since mine couldn't be here, so.

(Whispers) Have they passed?

Well, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say

I hope we escape... very quickly.

- (Snaps finger)
- That's the spirit, Mr. Rose.

- Yes.
- Game voice: Players, are you

ready to enter the laboratory?

(Whispers) Oh, I think so.

Game voice: Place all electronic devices

inside the scientist's lock-box

and enter at your own risk.

- Okay, here we go. (Laughs)
- (Faux excitement) Oh my God.

David: It's gonna be fun.

Game voice: Charles Darwin is being held c*ptive

by his arch-nemesis,

rival scientist, Dr. Alfred R. Wallace,

somewhere in the Galapagos Islands.

- What?!
- (Door bangs shut)

Game voice: You have one hour to escape. It's your job to...

This is a Galapagos-themed room!

I didn't plan this part.

It was just called "The Laboratory."

And I picked it 'cause it was the easiest.

Game voice: There are rumors that Wallace's assistant

sides with Darwin and may be willing to help

- if you get stuck.
- There's our lucky break.

Assistant, show us the exit.

Don't worry, I'm also in the Guild.

That's uh, that's not exactly how it works, Mrs. Rose.

We do actually have to try first.

Okay. So, the numbers for the combination on Darwin's journal are gonna be on finches with red beaks.

(Reads) "Traveling east to west, the numbers on the beaks will get you to the nest."

I have a compass on my phone.

Uh, when do we get our phones back?

Well, you don't actually need a compass, Mr. Rose.

It's, uh, more like a brain teaser.

So, uh, we'll cover more ground if we pair off into teams.

So Stevie and Mr. Rose, uh, Alexis and, and David, and, uh, Mrs. Rose, why don't you help me out?

Oh, I'd love nothing more, Patrick.

Mrs. Rose, I'm sensing you that you might be a little bit distracted, but unfortunately, there is a time limit

- on us getting out of here.
- (Chuckles)

Oh, I used to share your philosophic optimism, dear, but know the reality is, we're never getting out of here.

I wouldn't be so sure.

Just found a finch.

The first number is six, people!

Okay. Okay, see this is why I don't like mind games.

It puts you in a situation where you're made to feel dumb, even though you're not.

Like, some people's minds just don't work like this.

Maybe I made a mistake?

I did tell you to wear sensible heels today, and I'm not sure this outfit is entirely appropriate.

No, I mean about not going to the Galapagos.

Like I'm having a hard time not taking this as a sign.

Okay, we're in a strip mall on the side of the highway.

I really wouldn't read into this.

Also, as stupid as this is, I'm now invested.

You know, there was a time, before we got here, that I would've like gone anywhere and done anything, no questions asked.

Like, what if I'm just losing my edge?

All right, if this'll help me escape this conversation: yes, it would have been a mistake to go.

- Okay, go on.
- Well, what were you gonna do?

Follow another guy around the world?

Yeah, but what am I doing here?

Setting Mom up with second-rate radio gigs for regional airlines?

'Kay, well, I don't know, where do you wanna be then?

- There.
- (Confused) Where?

No, the finch. Second row, in the middle.

Trust me, Stavros and I used to make out in his parents' aviary.

Okay, we have the second number!

The second number is eight!

'Kay, I'm gonna start looking from the top here.

Excuse me, Assistant?

Uh, any chance of getting our phones back?

I know, I'm aware of the no-phones situation, but I need mine for a business...

See, I don't know what this means.

I heard a rumor you're on our side, and I'm, I'm waiting on an important call.

Patrick: I found it!

I found it! I found the third finch.

- Okay. Okay!
- It's four, David. Four.

- - - .
- Okay!

Six...

eight...

four...

(Overly excited) Ah-hah-hah!

Ahh! Ahhh!

- Woo!
- Yes!

'Kay. It says "natural selection."

- (Drawer slides)
- Ahh! - Oh my God!

Well, good work, team! Now who's driving me to drinks?

Outta my way! Outta my way!

(Searching frantically)

Okay, there's no key in here. There is no key in here.

That's just the first puzzle, David.

- It's a series of puzzles.
- (Distant ringing)

- What?!
- Wait, wait, everyone!

I hear my phone ringing.

That's the phone I was talking about.

So if I could just leave the lab for one minute...

Game voice: You have
minutes to escape.

minutes!

Hey, David, everyone heard the time, all right?

(Shouting) , people!
Let's go! Come on!

(Crickets chirping)

Blow on them, David! You have to blow on the circles, David!

You have to blow on the circles until they're blue.

- I'm blowing!
- Blow harder, David!

- Oh my God, you blow on them!
You blow on the circles then!

- Use this! Use this thing!
- (Catching his breath)

- 'Kay, this is a good idea.
- 'Kay. Oh!

- Oh my God!
- (Clapping) Yes!

- Oh my God!
- Alexis: Yes! Ahhh! Yes!

- One more! One more!
- (Grunting hard)

- All: (Cheering)
- Yay!

- It didn't do anything.
- (Drawer slides)

Oh! Oh! It's uh...

- What is that?
- It's a flashlight?

Oh yeah! Oh my God, this game is actually fun.

See? I told you!

You're only saying that because you got one right!

Oh, your time will come, David.

- Please just give us the key.
- The key, or our phones!

- Either way!
- No, the key!

John, what is this new-found obsession with your device?

Dad, what's the big deal with the phone?

Just tell them, Mr. Rose.

Okay. Well, I didn't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm waiting on a call from my old assistant.

And we may have a meeting to get an investor for the Rosebud Motel Group.

Well, John, what, what does this mean?

Well, potentially, there could be a big influx of money to turn Rosebud Motels into a...

- into a full franchise.
- Oh!

Well, why didn't you say this before? Get the phone!

Oh, I don't know. we're almost finished the game, so.

- You can use my phone, John!
- You still have your phone?!

We all have our phones!

Well, his number's in my phone and my phone I can't get unless I get outta this damn room!

Alexis: Okay, I've used the clues to turn the dials on the flashlight, and it spells out England.

So, thank you, my weekend with Tom Hardy...

England is here.

It says something.

"I'm tall when I'm young and short when I'm old."

Candle.

How are you doing this?

(Gasps) What?

- Laser. Laser's pointing at...
- Okay, I got this, Patrick.

Okay, this is an ancient Egyptian symbol for stability.

My friend Prairie got one tattooed on her lower-back

- in seventh grade.
- Okay, what does that mean?!

It means that we need to find something from Egypt.

So like mummies, Rami Malek, a... a pyramid.

- All: (Gasp)
- David: What?!

- And there it is.
- (Gasps) Try it in the door!

(Key rattles, door clicks open)

Game voice: Congratulations!

You have outwitted Darwin's nemesis...

Ah! Mummy and Alexis solved the puzzle!

Johnny: (Relieved sigh)

- How did she do that?
- I dunno.

I don't know how you did that.

That was actually pretty impressive, Alexis.

Thanks! I just like wanted to get to the drinks.

- Uh-huh. -
Congratulations!

Professor Darwin would be very proud.

Can I just have my phone, please?

- (Box clunks)
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Four voicemails!

- Yes?
- Put it on speaker!

Okay, is that the button with the arrow?

That's the button that says "speaker"!

- Speaker button!
- Ooh!

Moira: "John, call me when you can.

We need an excuse to get out of the escape room thing."

- Okay, skip that. Skip it.
- Moira: I have something...

David: "Hi, just reminding you that you can't bail

on the escape room thing, even though all of us want... "

Yeah, I don't think we need to keep...

I actually wanna hear that one.

- I don't think so.
- Mike: "Johnny,

it's Mike Morrison, returning your call."

- This is it!
- "Just read your proposal

and I think it's a solid idea, my friend.

Would absolutely love to take a meeting.

Let's say pm Tuesday at the New York office?"

- Oh my God!
- All: (Excited shouts)

- Did I just hear that?
- Oh, John!

Did I just... is that what he just said?!

- David: Oh my God!
- (Excited shrieks and laughter)

- Oh! (Laughing)
- (Laughing excitedly)

We got a meeting!

- Oh-ho-ho!
- Yeah! (Clapping)

- Why am I still holding this?
- Okay, okay.

- Thank you!
- We got a meeting!

All: (Excited shrieks and laughter)

(Cycle rumbles)

So, for someone who is all about signs, what do you think it meant that you were the one that got us out of the Galapagos?

(Laughs) Honestly? Like... being in a high-pressure situation, with time running out and a lot of people yelling at me, it just like... made me feel like myself again.

Well, mission accomplished.

And you're out of your sweatpants,

- so things are looking up.
- (Mock giggle)

I think it might be time to let go of that succulent.

Okay, I've been thinking about that.

Do you think that maybe it d*ed because it outgrew its little pot?

No, I watched you slowly k*ll it.

Like maybe it realized that it... missed the bigger pots that it used to grow in... and maybe it can't live up to its full potential in such a small space?

David, I'm starting to feel that I'm a lot like the plant.

I was tracking the metaphor, but um... what're you saying?

I don't know. Like maybe it's time

I think about being somewhere else, finding a bigger pot to grow in.

- (Shocked) Oh...
- (Glasses clinking nearby)

(Music plays, patrons chatter)

Moira: Before we find ourselves ebrious with hooch and happiness, may I say how very proud all of us are on this day of days.

Well, we did say no speeches, so...

- Your father...
- Guess they listened.

With his pecuniary savvy and intrepidation has turned what began as a katzenjammer of a day into one filled with faith, hope and love.

Johnny: Well, thank you, Sweetheart.

Well, I think we have forgotten why we're here.

(Laughs) It is our bachelor party.

Also, whoever chose those photos,

- they were not approved.
- Johnny: (Chuckling)