08x15 - Chili Chili Bang Bang

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Baxter.

Working hard or hardly working?

CHUCK: Go back to:

"Whazzup!"

MIKE: You know, I was going through the company manual looking for reasons why... why Joe would be up here.

Yep, nah, nothing there.

I'm sure there's prob... No, nothing there, either.

Should I go through all the...

Nothing in... Oh, wait a minute, there it is.

Oh. Yeah. Joe should never be up in the office.

It doesn't say that.

Oh, oh, oh, there she is!

Lay it on me.

What's the theme for the chili contest this year?

Why did I take the stairs? (CHUCKLES)

You know, when she's older, I'm gonna have her piggyback me for nine months... ha... see how she likes it.

All due respect, she's not due for another few weeks.

The chili contest is now.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You'll have to let it go. He's a novice.

He hasn't won it four times, you know?

When you win it that many times, you realize the contest actually... comes to you.

He may be a novice, but as I recall...

Chuck won the Golden Apron last year.

(GASPS) Wait a minute, Joe.

If I won last year, why-why, that would mean that Baxter lost.

Oh-ho-ho!

Which is something he's gonna have to live with for the rest of his life.

Yeah? Yeah?

Those judges all reeked of bourbon.

Everybody thought that your chili tasted like bad meat just drenched in ketchup.

(GAGS) Sorry.

KRISTIN: Okay. Okay.

Uh, the twist for this year is: all of the chili needs to be Asian-influenced.

Oh. I love these twists.

Ah. When I won my, uh, second... or was it third?... maybe the fourth time I won, we had to use pork shoulder.

So my kitchen just had that delicate aroma of boiled tomatoes and pulled pork shank.

(GAGS)

♪♪

Hey, Jen. What are you up to?

Uh, studying for my AP History exam.

Boy, that Genghis Khan, what a Grumpy Gus. (CHUCKLES): Yeah.

And a Pillaging Pete.

Well, I'm sure you'll do well.

You actually excel at anything you put your mind to.

What do you want?

Chili cook-off is coming up, and it's an Asian theme.

And I was thinking... remember the other night you gave us that Chinese dish with that unbelievably good smoked pork?

I wonder if you could just give me the recipe for that?

You mean my family's recipe that we've kept secret for 200 years?

Give it to me.

Interesting.

You need some information and I happen to have said information.

(EXHALES)

Maybe we could come up with a... mutually beneficial transaction?

A little, uh... quid pro ro, if you will.

Ro is Chinese for meat.

I wonder what Chinese is for "get your feet off the damn table".

Okay, the National Spelling Bee is on this whole week, and I need to record it on your DVR. Deal?

Quid pro no.

I just have the one DVR, and it's full.

Full of old stuff. Who the heck is Matlock, and why do you need 20 hours of him?

He's the best country lawyer ever, and he's dead, and they're not making any more like him.

Well... good luck in your...

Tournament of Meat, or whatever.

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

(SQUEALS) Goodbye, Matlock.

Nobody looked better in a seersucker powder blue suit than you.

_

I don't know what it is about tapas, but it is the only thing this baby doesn't toss back up.

Well, that is because it's delicious.

Or, as they would thay in Barthelona, delith-ioth.

Mom, that accent is so good I can feel it.

I'm sorry.

You know, I just... I just love our weekly get-togethers.

You know, what we need is more... thangria.

Mom's the best. She's the greatest.

We have to stop these weekly lunches.

I know. I mean, I love Mom's sangria dance as much as anyone else, but every week?

I'm swamped with work right now.

Me too. And I'm pregnant. I should be spending all of my free time in a bathtub.

So, wait, what are we gonna do?

KRISTIN: I have an idea.

Uh, just play along. No, no. But I don't know what you're doing... I'm not good at this.

Guys, guys, guys, uh, is it me, or does our waiter look just like Antonio Banderas?

It's the sangria goggles. Mm.

Uh, hey, Mom, Mandy and I were just talking about how much we love these weekly lunches. Oh...

She was talking. I was just playing along.

But, uh... (CHUCKLES)

... sadly, there are two people who feel left out.

Really? Who?

Ryan and Kyle.

Hmm. They really miss seeing you.

I-I bet they would love to have lunch with you, too.

Yes. That's it. I love this now.

Well, that is... That is really sweet, Kris.

Why don't you guys bring 'em along next time?

No. What she means is, uh, no... they should have you all to themselves.

That's what I mean 100%.

Oh, I see. Um, okay.

Well, you know, next time it'll just be me and the boys.

KRISTIN: Cool.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, grathiath, Antonio.

(LAUGHS)

♪ Sangria! ♪

Get 'em while they're hot. And they are hot.

I like to call this Baxter's Chili Chili Bang Bang.

Hmm. All right.

Here we go. Thank you. Buh, buh, buh, buh!

Just one per customer, just enough to haunt you in your dreams, get you begging for more. Okay.

Just settle down, Mike.

This is chili, not Sophia Loren, all right?

For God's sake. Huh, what's the big deal?

It's just... just a...

Damn!

Oh-ho-hoo!

This is Sophia Loren and Gina Lollobrigida.

Yes, sir. Mmm.

All swirled together in one tiny cup.

Oh, boy, that's good. Boy, that's good.

But it's more...

Margaret Thatcher and Madame Curie.

I like 'em tough and brainy, you know?

What are you up to with these samples, Baxter?

Well, I made too much last night.

I wasn't gonna throw it out.

I mean, would Michelangelo toss it away if he sculpted too much David?

I've seen that statue, Mikey.

Believe me, he did not sculpt too much.

Give it a sh*t. Mm-hmm.

See what it tastes like when you don't get your recipe off the back of a ketchup bottle.

Hey, hey, don't knock ketchup.

In a pinch, it makes a great hair gel.

You know what I say about this, Baxter?

Here it comes.

It's fantastic! Yeah.

What? Don't mock me with your praise.

I will not be praise-mocked.

No, no... no, no, I'm serious. This time, you... you really brought your A game.

Yeah. The only thing that would make this more delicious is watching you go down in flames. Mm.

Unfortunately, that is not gonna happen.

Oh, yeah, I think it will. Because I'm dropping out.

Oh, yeah. What?

This chili made you drop out?

I should send this to Bernie Sanders.

What do you mean you're dropping out? You can't quit.

I'm not. I'm retiring as champion.

Wh-what? And to tell you the truth, I only stayed in this long to, you know, motivate you to raise your game.

You know what you remind me of is old canned chili.

Gassy and full of beans.

Hey, you got to admit, Baxter, it worked. What?

Last year's chili was... meh.

But this is meh-nificent.

The only reason you're dropping out is you don't think you can b*at me.

(SCOFFS) You know... you know, you're what I would never put in chili.

Hmm? Chicken. (CLUCKING)

Why are you so upset?

With me out, you're a slam dunk to win.

You kn-you know... you remember when Frazier quit?

Ali only had to fight Trevor Berbick.

Who cares if you b*at a dude named Trevor?

I don't care what you say, I'm done. No, you're not done.

No, no, no. And unlike the champ... No, no, no.

... I'm going out on top.

I don't buy it. You're not a quitter.

He's not a quitter. He doesn't quit.

Except golf. He should quit that.

Hey, I-I got a question.

If it's hot... why do they call it chili?

You're a deep thinker, Joe.

Probably why you're such good friends with Chuck.

Oh, yeah, we're really close.

In fact, he doesn't know it, but he's godfather to my cats.

That's why I'm gonna have you do something no one would suspect.

I'm gonna have you gather some intelligence.

Okay.

And while you're at it, gather some for yourself.

This place is great. Yeah.

And the gazpacho was, to quote my favorite mother-in-law, (SINGSONGY): "delith-ioth".

Well, I am glad you enjoyed it.

You know, what a great idea the girls had, huh?

Yeah. Turns out I love tapas. I'm so relieved.

I thought Mandy said, "Mom wants to take you and Ryan to a... topless bar".

And yet you showed up.

So, Ryan... talk.

Uh, well, it is really nice getting out of the house.

Kris has been a little... Oh, hey, dude, it's not polite to complain about your wife to her mother.

Have you even read Emily Post?

No, no, no, no, no. That's okay, Kyle.

Look, I raised Kristin, so I know exactly what Ryan's dealing with.

You-you dish, girlfriend. (RYAN EXHALES)

Okay, it's just... the mornings are particularly hard.

You know, Kris can be just...

A total monster? Yeah, yeah. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She needs an hour before she becomes a human being again.

Yes. I know.

I finally feel heard.

You know, Mike and I used to have a nickname for her when she was a girl.

We called her "Partly Cloudy".

(LAUGHTER)

Why?

Well, because it would take forever for the sun to come out.

KYLE (LAUGHING): Oh.

(LAUGHING): Yeah. Oh, Emily Post is wrong.

Gossiping is a hoot.

Do Mandy now.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

Ah, ooh. But first...

ALL: ♪ Sangria! ♪

Greetings, my good sir.

What's with the old-timey talk?

Oh, it's just something I'm experimenting with.

I always felt I was meant to live in a bygone era.

Probably, 'cause you sure weren't meant for this one.

Hey, be nice to me. I got your intel.

Or as the French call it, "information".

No, they don't.

So, what's going on? I-I suspect he's working on a secret recipe. Is that what it is?

No. No, he's definitely out of it. I've confirmed it.

Well, what's he doing?

Look, I don't want to betray Chuck's confidence, okay?

I mean, who's gonna take care of my cats when I'm gone?

Joe, they're cats.

They're all just counting the minutes until we die.

Spill it.

Okay, okay. A couple of months ago, Chuck had an angioplasty.

Really?

Well, why didn't he say that?

Oh, I don't know. Why do you think, Mr. "Bwok-bwok"?

Luckily, it was just a partial blockage, and he's just gonna change his diet.

So certainly no more of his great double-meat chili with all that bacon and nacho cheese in it, huh?

Apparently. I guess that's bad for you, huh?

Oh, it's bad for you.

You know how I know?

'Cause it's delicious.

You know, his dad d*ed of heart disease.

Yeah, I know. Yeah.

But, hey, Chuck's making some changes to his lifestyle.

He's gonna live a healthier life.

You look a little nauseous.

It's not nausea.

It's-it's... it's worse.

It's... empathy.

So Chuck didn't say anything to you about this heart problem?

Yeah, well, to be honest, I'm not quite sure.

You know, my hearing's not as good as it used to be.

I just hope if he did, I didn't say, "Great story!" Yeah.

Hey, we having a drink before we head home?

Yeah, we were just talking about it. Do you want, uh, some carrot juice or just the hot water with lemon in it?

Oh. Joe told you?

Yeah. Damn it, when were you gonna say something?

I was just waiting for a time when I was in the mood to be savagely mocked.

Really? You think I'd make fun of something this serious?

Right. Right.

This isn't like my golf game or my turtleneck sweaters or the hundred other things you ride me about.

This is about mortality, Mike. This is about me coming to grips with the idea that I could die.

Great story!

Ed, lean in a little closer.

So after the procedure, are you okay now?

Oh, yeah, and I plan on staying that way.

I'm eating better, getting exercise. I feel great.

Good for you.

Who cares if anyone mocks you?

Yeah, you know, three nights a week, Bonnie and I go vegan.

So three nights a week, you don't eat anything?

(LAUGHS) What about you, Baxter?

What are you doing to-to fend off the Grim Reaper?

I don't think of death as the Grim Reaper.

I think of death as a for-sure way of keeping me from dancing.

Come on, Mikey.

Chuck and I are opening up. Show us you're human.

Okay. Get this.

I've started meditating. ED: Oh.

(SINGSONGY): Mike Baxter meditates!

(LAUGHING)

(SINGSONGY): He also owns a g*n store.

Okay. (LAUGHS)

Why can't you still be in the contest and just not eat that stuff?

No way, man. When I started making my test batch, it hit me.

(LAUGHS) This does not fit into my new lifestyle.

I wish it could.

You know, there are plenty of vegan chili recipes. Yeah.

Yeah. Bonnie just made one the other night.

Our dog loved it.

You can't make a healthy chili that can compete with the kind that will k*ll you.

You can't.

What are you saying, Baxter?

I'm saying, the next best thing to whipping your butt in a competition is dragging you with me into the winner's circle.

Oh. Hey, it's my girls. (LAUGHS)

What a nice surprise.

Oh, this beautiful day just got better.

Really, Mom? Is it a beautiful day? (LAUGHS)

You sure it's not partly cloudy?

Yeah, with a chance of Princess Poopy Pants?

Sorry, but my nickname doesn't have a weather theme.

I see. You are upset because I shared some childhood nicknames with your husbands.

Yeah. Nicknames that probably should have stayed within the family, Mom.

So Kyle and Ryan aren't family?

No. They are just two guys with strong genes we dragged home to mate with. It's science.

Yeah, they're in-laws.

We're... laws.

All right, well, I'm sorry.

I will try to be less gabby with your husbands the next time you both want to ditch me.

What?

Mom, no. God, we would never ditch you.

Yeah, especially if we knew we were gonna get caught.

Look, Mom, I'm really sorry, but we're both really busy right now.

Well, that's fine.

You know what? You could have just told me.

We don't have to have lunch every week.

You're not gonna hurt my feelings.

We're all adults here.

Even you, Princess Poopy Pants.

Okay, well, in that case, I-I can't do lunch next week, and the week after is iffy.

Yeah, same. I'm just... I'm really swamped.

Okay. Okay. Well, you know what?

Thanks for telling me. See?

(LAUGHS) It didn't k*ll me.

But... but I am wounded.

Because, you know, I'm only the woman who... gave you both life.

There she goes.

BOTH: Melodramatic Martha.

Hey. Uh.

Sorry I'm late. I was watching TV.

You were right. Matlock is great!

(IMITATING MATLOCK): "I'd sooner eat a live chicken than be your lawyer!"

"The Debt", season seven.

(LAUGHS) Is the contest over?

Who won? I don't know.

Oh, uh, Kristin's, uh, tallying up the votes right now, but to tell you the truth, I think Baxter and I have a pretty good chance of winning this thing.

You're working together? Yeah.

What the ding-dang-dog is going on here?

You've had enough Matlock. Yeah, it-it was actually Baxter's idea for us to work together. Yeah.

We came up with one amazing batch, which we call

"Chili Chili Bwok Bwok". That's right.

Okay, everyone. All right.

The results for the chili contest are in, and the winner is...

Oh, God, so much pork in the air.

Uh...

Joe Leonard and his Seven-Meat Chili.

JOE: Hey. What?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you. Mm-hmm.

Well, put my leg in a tea kettle.

Justice has not been served.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

If I won, that means you two lost, which is... something you'll have to live with for the rest of your lives.

How the hell did you win this?

Yeah, the only thing you know how to make is cat food.

And tell me that's not the seventh meat. No, no.

I just wrote down all the foods people shouldn't eat, and I put it in the pot.

What about the Asian theme? Yeah.

I threw in some of my old soy sauce packets.

Uh, some of them from the '90s.

The name "Chun King" ring a bell? (LAUGHS)

Hold on, everyone.

Uh, since I currently find pork disgusting, I am offering a spot on the menu for a healthier option.

Congratulations, Mike Baxter and Chuck Larabee.

Hey. Yes! (APPLAUSE)

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go outside and vomit into a bush.

Looks like we're both winners.

Yeah, man.

I know I say "not cool" a lot, but cool. (LAUGHS)

Thanks for doing this with me, Baxter. Yeah.

I mean... you got a good heart.

Nah. I got to be honest with you.

I actually physically do not have a heart.

That's why I can eat whatever I want to eat.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man, where we don't just sell gear.

We sell a way of life.

And you know the one thing you need more than anything to enjoy our outdoor way of life?

Life.

Yep, if you're dead, you just won't appreciate all the cool stuff we have to offer.

Or the amazing discounts.

The only good thing about death... you don't got to pay taxes. (LAUGHS)

Well, I guess you actually do.

There's the death tax, isn't there?

Damn it. Some of the things that make life worth living can actually make our lives a little or a lot shorter.

For each of these things, you got to decide, is it worth it?

Now, sure, riding a motorcycle without a helmet is a lot more fun than squeezing your nugget into a carbon fiber bucket.

Full helmet like the Wild Hogs, or wind blowing through your hair, going full Captain America in Easy Rider.

Ooh. Good choice, but I like 'em both.

But then, you split lanes, and the old lady in the Oldsmobile Delta 88 decides to change lanes, too.

You go over the handlebars. You're thinking, "You know what would be fun right now is that helmet!"

You get older, you're forced to give up more and more.

Your doctor. Remember those doctors you'd... actually smoke with you? "You know, Bob..." (COUGHS)

"... you should give up these lung darts. Wow".

You roll out of bed one morning.

Your knees tell you to retire from the annual 5K race.

And finally, finally, they come for a man's grub.

When did kale get a publicist?

They come for our belly-busted food, comfort food.

The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Time is a flat circle".

He believed time was an endless loop like this, a repetition. (LAUGHS)

Freddy, as I like to call him, d*ed at 55.

So it didn't repeat very long, did it, Friedrich, huh?

Probably wished that circle was a little wider, included one last bratwurst and sausage, right?

All the stuff we give up as we get older, there's one thing we're never quite ready to part with is our friends.

Studies show the more time you spend with them being active in the outdoors, the longer they'll live.

And if you have a friend who rides a motorcycle, buy him a helmet.

We'd hate for you to lose a friend, or for me to lose a customer.

Take care of yourselves. Baxter out.

(CHICKEN CLUCKS)