05x19 - Carol's Back

[bunniefuu]

So, uh, welcome back, Carol.

We are all so thrilled to see how well you're doing.

Thanks. I am so ready for a fresh start.

Me too. Me too.

But just asking, corporate knows what she did at my wedding?

Yep, they offered her a store transfer, but lucky for us, she declined.

Like I'm gonna leave this store.

You guys are like family to me.

Yeah, so... sweet.

Um, Carol, before we can get you out on the floor again, I've just been asked to get a quick apology.

Okay, great.

Oh, you think I should apologize?

Well, I mean, you almost made me k*ll your cat.

I did that?

You stole Jerry from me.

You rubbed your wedding in my face for months.

And then you asked me to be your Maid of Honor.

I mean, that was just cruel.

You told me I had to.

I don't know, Amy.

It seems like she's not ready to take responsibility.

You know, Carol, some people might think, actually, that, um you are the one who should apologize.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Um, the thing is, when I spoke with C.J. DiBono at H.R., he said that my manager should be impartial.

And C.J. DiBono would know. I mean, he's... he's C.J. DiBono.

He said I should call if there were any hiccups or...

Yeah. No, no, I don't...

I don't think we need to call C.J. DiBono.

We can handle this internally.

I just need a... a quick apology.

Sorry. I heard an apology.

Great. Let's get back to work.

[upbeat music]

Sandra apologized to Carol?

I know. It's crazy.

She has some sort of, like, dark power.

I almost apologized to her.

Anyway, how's it going? Have you raised the wage yet?

Well, I just got here, but it seems like a pretty good turnout.

I can still go to other Gateway Subs, right?

Just not that one?

Amy, they exploit their workers.

But they cure their own salami.

Amy, what the hell?

Carol's back? I gotta go.

Dina's reacting. Yes.

I sent around a memo saying that she'd be back to work today.

I thought that was a joke. How is that a joke?

I don't know. You're not great at jokes.

It's hard to tell sometimes.

Yeah, you've dropped some real stinkers lately.

Remember you said that joke about how Bill Cosby was framed?

Uh, no, that definitely wasn't me.

Oh. And this isn't a joke.

She finished her therapy, and she got cleared to come back to work.

So after everything she's done, she can just waltz back in here and wear the blue vest?

The only vest she should be wearing is one with black and white stripes.

Like a referee?

No, like a jail vest, like a... vest you wear in jail.

Look, it doesn't really matter.

My hands are tied.

This is what corporate wants, and we're not gonna make waves right now.

Carol already threatened to call C.J. DiBono on us.

Oh, C.J. DiBono. Oh, you don't want that.

No thank you. Mm-mm.

So you guys know who that is?

No. But sounds important... scary. No.

Yeah. Yeah.

All right, all right, we're doing it, everybody, getting it done.

Ha-ha, let's do it.

Whoo.

Cheyenne?

What... what are you doing here?

You sent out that email trying to get everyone to come.

Plus, it would be cool to make some more money.

Bo's still out of work, and Harmonica keeps needing new clothes.

Ugh, I just wish she'd stop growing already.

Yeah, well, she's four, but, um, great.

You're going to love it here.

These people are so cool.

They're... they're passionate. they're progressive.

I've learned about four new bookstores just from the tote bags alone.

Guys, come on. You can't be here.

I don't want to call the cops.

Hey, we've got our permits, and we're not blocking traffic.

So go ahead, call the cops.

[together] Yeah. Yeah, call the cops.

Yeah, that's right.

You tell 'em. You tell 'em, Tommy.

That's Tommy.

He's lead organizer, total badass.

Got, like, a fight the power, Malcolm X kind of vibe.

Not... not because he's... you know, just the... vibe-wise.

All right, my man, good work.

All right.

Oh, man, this is gonna take all day.

It's funny how the cleaning robot is causing the most mess.

It always goes after the Bluetooth speakers.

I think they're in a feud.

Might the start of the robot wars.

Oh, I so do not have time for this.

I need to be on my phone, Celine Dion tickets go on sale today.

Well, why don't you just hire somebody on BusyBee?

It's a pretty cool app.

I got a guy to wait in line to get my Air Jordan 3 Unites, which you haven't said anything about, no big deal.

Or I could wait for the tickets and hire somebody do the actual, you know, work part.

Your job?

Hire somebody to do our jobs?

Yeah.

That's a great idea. I'm in.

I'll split it with you.

♪ Leave them hangin' on the line ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh calling Gloria ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ Gloria ♪ So why do you need everyone's number?

Oh, I'm, uh, getting a group text going.

Got this sweet "Norma Rae" GIF that I've been wanting to use.

I don't watch "Real Housewives."

Wait, where's Tommy's number?

Oh, he didn't want to put it on there.

He thinks that you're a spy from Gateway Subs, like you're a narc or something.

Me? Why?

Yeah, he's just starting to wonder, 'cause sometimes companies send people in to spy on groups like this, and you showed up right when they were starting to organizing this protest.

Plus, you've got that corporate haircut.

Honestly, your whole look and vibe is very classic narc.

Okay, did you tell him that you know me?

No, I don't want him to think I'm friends with a narc.

Look, if it were up to me, she wouldn't be working here at all.

Most of you wouldn't be.

What's going on? Is everything okay?

Sayid doesn't want to work in Housewares.

Carol's there.

I just don't feel comfortable working near a crazy person.

Okay, you know what?

Let's not use the word "crazy."

It's... it's demeaning. Mm.

And it's debilitating and some other word that corporate used that I can't remember, but fine, I'll move her into Seasonals with Justine.

Uh, no thank you.

I don't need the drama.

I'm a no-drama mama.

I even have a T-shirt that says that.

Okay, um, oh, yeah, Nicki.

How's your first day going, girl? It's fine.

I've got a really fun assignment for you.

I know all about Carol. No, thank you.

How do you already know about her?

From, like, six people. Sounds like a real maniac.

Also not a word we should be using.

Amy, I think everyone's just trying to be safe.

People who hurt animals eventually start hurting people.

It's true.

My uncle accidentally ran over a mongoose, and then he punched out a guy at Foodland.

Okay, can we just stop talking about this?

The fact is, Carol has to work somewhere in the store, so she's gonna be in somebody's department.

Well, it's obviously not gonna be Sandra.

I heard Carol freaked her out so much she crapped her wedding dress.

Oh. Oh, um, that didn't happen.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

It's totally natural.

It happens to lots of brides at their wedding.

That's childbirth.

I didn't crap myself.

Amy, tell him.

Sandra, she said she didn't want to talk about what happened that night; the rumor stands.

Oh, man.

Glenn, you're all about second chances.

How about Carol works with you?

Mm-hmm, mm, but as a floor supervisor, I'm also sort of a lone wolf, so... you know.

All right, well, since you're all a bunch of babies, I'll just have Carol work with me for today.

See, Amy and I are the only two people willing to give Carol a second chance.

See, look at my dress. It's spotless.

Sure, from the front.

Where's the back?

We need to see the back.

I mean, I don't have too many wedding photos of my back.

That's convenient.

Okay, uh, let's see.

Here, what's that right there?

It's nothing.

Oh, my God. Is that [bleep] on your screen?

No, it's just the...

Oh, my God. Don't touch it.

Sandra, don't touch it.

Oh, my God.

So, girl, how is your day going?

So good. It's like coming home.

The therapy really helped.

The old me would have been taping a picture of Sandra to, like, a sausage and hammering it over and over and over.

[laughs]

Heh-heh-heh-heh.

Wow, then I guess that's progress.

Mm-hmm. Anyway, um, I just needed some help with, uh, paperwork, you know, collating, uncollating.

You can, um, start by, uh, highlighting these.

Oh, uh, what do you want me to highlight?

Whatever seems important, you know.

The verbs.

Uh, gotta know where the action is right?

Sure, it'll be fun working with you.

So tell me how you've been.

Are you still in that cute little place where you had your Golden Globes party?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Were you at that party?

No, I wasn't invited.

I was actually pretty upset about it.

I stewed outside for hours.

I could have wrung your neck.

Heh-heh-heh. [laughs]

Well, I'm glad you didn't.

Um, you know, this is actually a lot more work than I, uh, anticipated.

Yeah. So I think we're gonna need an extra pair of hands.

Wow, look at me back of house.

Yean, um, you know, some of these files are... are classified, so they just require a higher level of security.

For sure.

Uh, is this where you guys keep the cups?

I'm always seeing people walking around with cups.

Um, sorry, I'm a little confused.

Do I work for Cloud 9?

Oh, no, no, no, you don't work for Cloud 9, unless someone asks, then you do work for Cloud 9, but you've never heard of us.

Yeah. Right, so I don't, but I do. Well, I don't...

Oh, my God. Do you want the job or not?

I want it. I need it.

I need it.

I haven't worked in three months.

My alimony is late.

My ex-wife's lawyers are getting very threatening.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

You say you want the job, but, you know, I'm seeing this huge mess.

It still needs to be dealt with.

You're right. There's a lot work to be done.

I'll get right on it. Sorry, boss.

Boss? [chuckles]

There's something about that that I like.

Probably the power. Yeah, I think it's the power.

Mm-hmm. Well, boss, I'm gonna go get some Takis.

Sounds good, boss.

I'm gonna get on queue and start Googling seat views.

With Celine you don't want to be too far away... or too close.

Oh, yeah, Dina, what... Shh.

Carol left her purse on the table.

Wait, no, no, no, you cannot go through people's...

I'm just giving it a quick once over to make sure there's nothing with sharp edges or too pointy.

Oh, come on, you really think Carol would bring a w*apon into the store?

I mean, she's been to therapy.

She's not dangerous anymore.

She's back to being boring.

Oh, yeah? Then how do you explain this?

What are those?

Well, they're... they're headphones.

But she could easily use these to strangle somebody.

You think?

Yeah, I do think.

Aha, how about these?

Bobby pins, dozens of them.

You can hide one in your mouth, then when you're Frenching someone, just slip it in, and boom, oh, the old poke-and-choke.

Oh, no.

Is this a picture of Janet's son?

Oh, my God, Sandra's cat was just the beginning.

This is sick.

Oh, my God.

Kirkwood Youth Soccer League schedule?

She's stalking Janet's kid.

She even had a Janet driver's license made.

What is her endgame here?

What the hell are you doing in my purse?

Oh. Oh, it's... it's her purse.

Yeah, makes sense. Yeah.

This is... this is all her stuff. Yes.

J-just... just so you know, I'm... I'm not an... a corporate spy.

Oh, you heard.

Yeah, I didn't really think you were.

Oh, good, cool, good, good, same page, cool.

Yeah, it's... it's just that... that's kind of what you would say if you did think that I was.

And "I'm not a spy" is what you'd say if you were a spy.

Right, yeah, right, but in this... in this instance, I'm saying I'm...

I'm not a spy, because I'm... I'm really not spy.

Hey, Tommy, some guy with no pants just joined the protest.

Should I give him a sign or...

Oh, no, no, I'll handle it.

Nice talking to you. Yeah.

All right, I'll see you back out there.

Yeah, I just made up the no pants guy, 'cause you were biffing it so hard.

I know. I figured. Thank you.

Really cutting up a storm there, huh, Ken?

Did I... did I ask you to do that?

Nope, saw the paper, saw the scissors.

Don't have to draw me a map.

Hey, Amy, uh, Janet is gonna say that we invaded her privacy.

But in my defense, I had no idea what Carol's purse looks like.

Yeah... oh, hey, Carol.

Why were you looking for my purse?

I don't know. Just because everyone's terrified since you're crazy.

Dina, we talked about that word.

Fine.

Carol, I wanted to go through your purse, because you're so silly, I'm worried you're gonna s*ab somebody.

Oh, come on, all because of Sandra's cat?

Wait, she's the cat k*ller?

You made me work next to the cat k*ller.

Ken, just calm down, okay?

So that's why you had Ken come in here, because you're scared of me.

[scoffs] I can't believe this.

I should call C.J. DiBono.

[together] No, no, no, no.

You don't need to do that.

You know what? Why don't you take your lunch break on me?

Fine. It's the least you can do.

And... and don't worry. When you get back, everything is gonna feel much better.

And, you know, get what you want.

Go crazy.

I mean, have fun.

You're buying Carol lunch?

So she gets rewarded for traumatizing Sandra?

So that's how it works?

Hey, Sandra, I'm gonna slice you open while you sleep.

I'll take a smoothie, please.

Guys, I sent Carol to lunch so that we could talk about how we're gonna work with her moving forward.

I've got an idea. Fire her ass.

I can't.

You can't fire someone for mental health issues.

Well, good, because I have a lot of issues.

For one, I'm addicted to sex.

You wish. Yeah, I do.

People call anything "mental illness" these days.

Like, sometimes I'll lie in bed all weekend, because I no longer take pleasure in things I used to enjoy.

Does that make me "depressed"?

[together] Yes. It does. Yeah.

What? It seems like it.

Yeah. Ahh.

Wait, these are different from the last one?

Yeah, those are fuego.

The other ones were nitro.

They're night and day.

Oh, wait, shh.

This is the best part.

Ooh, she can get up there, huh? Right?

I can't believe you've never heard Celine before.

Hey, you guys mind if I take a quick ten to get some body wipes?

I'm starting to reek.

I mean, it's only been, like, a couple hours.

Well, it's a lot of work.

The job post said "move some boxes."

Yeah, no, I mean, it's cool.

If it's not the kind of work you want to do, we'll just find somebody else on BusyBee.

Yeah, I mean, I've got Ashleigh C, Taylor M...

Boom. Jurgen I.

Ooh, he looks cute.

No, no, Jurgen steals all my jobs, and he just takes good pictures.

Look, I can handle it.

I'll make sure to get the rest of those boxes.

Ahh, I'm so glad we finally got some downtime.

Just really gives us a chance to reset.

Yeah.

Ooh, okay, white Whitney.

Look, we don't need an H.R. rep hanging around here auditing us, writing everyone up for all the little things I let slide, like visible tattoos and the pictures you put in your lockers, and unbuttoning your pants at lunch.

To let air in so the mold doesn't come back.

It's called hygiene. Ohh.

Okay, I can't deal with that right now.

The point is that all of that ends the second Carol calls C.J. DiBono.

Is... is that, like, a restaurant?

No, it's... like, it's... it's the H.R. person.

And it doesn't matter what his name is.

We just don't want him around.

Yeah, we do not want C.J. DiBono here.

Oh, God no. Mm-mm.

Okay, so then when Carol comes back from lunch, we're all gonna be very friendly, and we're gonna treat her like she's a valued and trusted coworker, yes?

[together] Yeah. Yes. Yep.

Hey, Carol. Welcome back. Oh.

Hey, Carol. I just wanted to apologize for earlier.

We were all really out of line.

Yeah, what was everybody afraid of, that you would k*ll everybody?

You wouldn't do that.

And even if you did, I'm sure you'd have a good reason.

Hey, I know I punched you in the gut at Sandra's wedding, so I wanted to offer you a sh*t to make us even.

No, Dina, we're a work.

Oh! Oh, wow.

That does feel better.

[coughs] Nice form.

Good hip rotation.

Glad we did that.

Hey, Carol, I got you these muffins as a welcome back gift.

Oh, thanks, Sandra, but I'm stuffed from lunch.

So where should I work?

I am putting you with the cleaning robot.

Oh. Yeah.

The robot's been acting up and needs a hard reset.

Kind of like you, so you get it, girl.

Oh, uh, you want me to fix the robot?

I don't know much about technology.

Come on. You'll figure it out.

It's idiot-proof.

Not that you're an idiot. You're the opposite of that.

Well, I do have an Android.

We know. You make the group text green.

Which I love, favorite color.

One, two, three, four.

No one should be working poor.

One, two, three, four.

I... I don't know how to convince him to trust me.

Maybe you need to show him.

Like, what if you went and blocked the door or something?

Well, we can't, because the permit says you can't cross the street.

See, like that. Only a narc would care about a permit?

[horn honking]

You're right.

You're right. I'm gonna...

I'm gonna show him.

Oh, wait. Actually, Jonah, can you get me a salami sandwich?

Oh. What's he doing over there?

We're not supposed to cross the street.

Right?

Yeah, he has, like, no respect for the permit.

Hi. Hi. Did you know that the average Gateway Subs employee lives right at the poverty line while last year the CEO made $47 million?

Wow, good for him.

No, no, no, no, it's just... uh, um...

Look, uh, if you eat your lunch somewhere else, I will give you $10.

Okay.

All right.

Talked him out of it.

Narc wouldn't do that.

Non-narc in the house.

"Reset button."

Oh.

What the?

The Wi-Fi is out.

The Wi-Fi is out. I... I can't refresh.

Oh, come back.

Celine!

[quirky music]

Carol, honey, I found a clump of your hair.

I'm gonna put it in your pocket.

And again, Carol, I am so sorry, but you are gonna be fine.

People get electrocuted all the time.

It's, like, good for you.

It's a cleanse. You're gonna feel great.

What happened?

Amy electrocuted her.

Not on purpose, and she's gonna be fine.

Oh, no.

What if she's not, though?

Look, I only have a 20 left, but if you have Venmo, I can...

Hey, I can see what you're doing. You can't do that.

And you can't underpay your workers.

You need to get off of this property.

Hey, man, you can't talk to one of my people like that.

Ooh, one of his people.

I know. I'm trying not to focus on that right now.

This guy's driving away all my business, and you know how?

He's paying people... Ahh!

Fair pay now!

[car alarm blaring] What the hell?

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. That's my car.

We raised the wage!

[car alarm blaring]

I can't believe I lost my place.

Now I'm 613th in line.

I'm gonna be stuck in the upper balcony with all the heteros.

No offense. Oh, no, none taken.

That sounds horrible. Ohh!

What now?

I think I tweaked my back.

Do you guys have one of those back support belts?

Oh, of course.

One will be here any minute, sir, along with your palm fronds and your bowl of grapes.

So entitled.

Why don't we just do our job for you?

We should have gone with Jurgen.

Mm-hmm.

You know what?

You guys are a little bit being like dicks right now.

You're taking advantage of me, because you know I need the money.

And yeah, I'm scrounging around for odd jobs, and I'm staying on my kid's flute teacher's couch, but I'm still a human being.

I mean, we'll leave him a big tip.

Oh, yeah, huge, assuming the app lets you tip.

Right, right.

We're fine. Mm-hmm.

[groans] Shh.

Oh, no.

Carol, don't go for the screwdriver.

And... bzz.

[laughs]

Night-night.

It was great, and next Monday Raise the Wage is doing another protest, and Tommy said he wants me there.

Oh, wow, so soon? Already?

Yeah, he said, "I need the trashman."

[laughs]

That's me. I'm the trashman.

It's a compliment.

Yeah, you know, it sounds like a compliment.

Yeah. Whoo.

Today was a doozie.

Tonight was definately a sweat box.

Okay. See ya.

Who the [bleep] was that?