08x16 - Along Came a Spider

[bunniefuu]

Ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick, ick!

Okay, something tells me I don't want to know what's in there.

It's my class tarantula.

Oh, my God, I had this exact nightmare last week.

Y-You brought a tarantula into the house and then the spider turned into Donatella Versace, and she told me I was a fraud and then my teeth fell out.

Sorry, I had to bring her home because the school is getting fumigated.

My fear of spiders is outweighed by my love of extra credit.

Okay, well, does this disgusting thing have a name?

Tarantula Lansbury.

My teacher thought it was so clever, but he's an old guy.

I need to figure out what to feed it.

Do you think Vanessa would mind if I used her computer?

No.

Her password used to be "Hugh Grant", but that was, like, ten years ago, so I would hope by now - that she's moved on.

- I'm in.

Hey, girls.

- Hi, Dad.

- Hey.

Still can't figure out the washing machine at your apartment?

Whoa, whoa, who's this?

Uh, that is Tarantula Lansbury.

That's good.

Uh-oh.

I don't think I was supposed to see this.

That's probably 'cause you're using somebody's computer that's not yours.

No, Vanessa wrote a letter withdrawing from the State Assembly race.

What?

She's not a quitter.

I mean, she quit smoking, but nothing to get angry about.

Yeah, but I don't get it.

Mom is so passionate about education.

I mean, she gave up on me, but still.

Looks like just a draft, but I'm surprised she never told me anything about it.

When you do talk to her, don't tell her I was on her computer.

It's all right, we're on your computer all the time.

- Hey.

- I'm so mad.

The parking lot at the store was jammed and then this woman zipped into a parking spot that I was clearly waiting for.

Why do you let people do that to you, honey?

Oh, I got her back.

I gave her the "you know what you did" face.

Oh, stop, that sends chills up and down my spine, and I didn't even do anything wrong that you know of.

Okay, okay.

Since you dragged it out of me...

I-I saw what you were doing on your computer.

Oh, oh.

How embarrassing, you know what?

I just love videos of pandas sneezing.

Well, you'd be a psychopath if you didn't love that.

No, I'm talking about this.

You're thinking about dropping out of the race?

Mike, look.

It just crossed my mind, okay?

I mean, you got to admit, things aren't going that great.

So?

You're not a quitter, Vanessa.

You're the positive person.

You're the one even when the Broncos lose, say, "Look, at least they had a good time".

Well, look, I knew it was a long sh*t that I would win.

I really, I just wanted to get people talking about education.

But I can't get anyone to listen!

Well, you're not the most forceful person.

No, I tried.

At the candidates' forum, I-I couldn't get anyone to call on me, and I must have raised my hand at least a dozen times.

Nobody's gonna listen to what you have to say if you wait for them to call on you.

Vanessa?

Look, I get what you're saying, but all these other candidates are not afraid to be loud, obnoxious and pushy to get people's attention, and I-I'm not that person.

It's too bad you can't get advice from somebody who is loud, obnoxious and pushy.

If you were married to somebody like that...

Hmm.

How about you?

Oh...

perfect!

Hey, guys, we got a new ultrasound of the baby.

- You want to see?

- Ooh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh!

- She looks just like Kristin.

- Aw...

Yeah, like, if Kristin was tiny and trapped in some weird balloon and her arm was coming out of her stomach and there was all this goop...

We get it, thank you.

I-I got to get back to the Grill.

Yeah, our coupons expire tomorrow, so the place is crawling with old...

er, wiser people...

- who love soup.

- Mm-hmm.

I live for Wednesdays.

Cream of potato.

Uh, yeah, I got to get back, too, actually.

Marijuana does not sell itself.

Yeah, actually, it kind of does.

- Bye.

- All right, - see you guys.

- see you.

- Love you.

- Love you.

Hey, have, uh, you guys gotten them a baby gift yet?

Oh, I haven't, no.

Hey, hey, Ed?

Ed...

what about if the three of us go in together, get something special?

Well, that's a great idea.

I know exactly what to get.

It's very high tech, very millennial.

Great, uh, can we split it three ways?

Well, it's north of two grand.

Oh.

Uh, is it okay if we get them something south of...

40 bucks?

Yeah, what...

what is this thing?

Well, it's a Rock-a-Tot.

It's a Swedish-made, smart bassinet.

So, you operate it from your phone.

It rocks the baby to sleep, and even knows when it stirs.

Well, for 2,000 bucks, it better also wipe her butt.

Wait, does it?

If it did, I'd have one.

No, no, look, I don't expect you to split it equally with me, so why don't we each pay an amount based on our salaries?

All right, and of course, that means I'll pay the most, so...

All right, well, I guess that means I pay the second most.

Well, you don't know that.

Maybe, uh, I pay the second most.

I make a pretty penny.

I get paid in dollars.

- Okay, but...

- Okay, just stop, stop, stop...

Let's not get into who makes more money, gentlemen.

I'll calculate what you owe, and then you pay the rest, all right?

So, I'll-I'll tell you separately, right?

- How-how's that sound?

- Yeah, okay.

Yeah, sounds good to me.

I don't want my employees worried about who makes more money around here.

Life is too short, all right?

And you can't take it with you.

Yeah.

Although, I've got an Egyptian guy working on that.

This is so exciting.

What a great idea to have Vanessa livestream from the house.

Well, that's today's politics.

People want to think that they know who you are.

It's like inviting people into your own home.

So, let's get rid of everything in the background that looks like it's worth stealing.

Okay, I have done my part, and if elections were decided by who has the best fashion sense...

and I believe they should be...

- Mom would win by a landslide.

- Oh, honey.

If I were 18, I would vote for you...

and buy a cigar.

Honey, I think you look great, you do.

Oh, Dad, we should do your outfit now.

- I'm not on camera.

- Yeah, I know.

It's just been bugging me for a long time.

You know, honey, I have to admit, I was a little dubious when you first brought this up, - but I'm-I'm kind of excited.

- Uh-huh.

We're gonna show the Colorado voters - the real Vanessa Baxter.

- Okay.

And none of the expensive lamps!

Um...

And, you-you really don't think I should talk about the issues?

No, no, no.

Like Nixon did in 1960?

Lost to Kennedy, 'cause he was charming and handsome.

- Any more questions?

- Yeah, I have one.

Who is Nixon?

I find it hard to believe you're from here.

- Okay.

- Listen, grab the lavalier mic, - and put it on her.

- Yeah.

- I'll be right back.

- Good.

- Okay, now, Mom?

- Yeah.

Just remember not to do anything embarrassing.

You don't want to become a meme.

Oh, memes are so cute.

That housewife, she was so angry at that cat.

Yeah, memes are cute unless you're in them.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, I didn't think about that, but...

Like-like, that, um, that actress who yawned during an interview.

People made memes like she was screaming at babies.

You mean she wasn't?

I...

I hated that lady.

I know, right?

Everybody did!

Or that CEO who blinked.

And the meme made it look like he was sleeping.

Right!

They photoshopped him in pajamas in a sleeping cap.

His wife left him!

Okay.

Looks good, let's get this show on the road, people.

What?!

What?!

And-and be mocked by the entire world?!

No!

No, not a chance in hell!

No, no, not doing it!

Nope, no!

What was I gone...

30 seconds?

Come on, come on, you're gonna be fine.

Just breathe and relax.

The important thing is just, - just be yourself.

- No, I can't be comfortable.

Look, the girls are right, I just, I don't want to be a laughingstock.

No, Mom, look, don't worry.

- You're gonna be great.

- Yeah.

Just don't, you know, blink.

The woman has to blink!

Oh, no!

Vanessa, do not do that.

You're asking to get Home Alone-ed.

Home Alone-ed?

Don't listen to these foolish, foolish girls.

You're not gonna look stupid because you're not stupid.

- You're a champ, you are a champ.

- Okay, all right, yeah.

- Okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're right, okay.

I-I got this.

Whoa!

Definitely don't do that!

The thumbs-up is, like, a sex thing now.

What?!

Ew!

Get out, go.

Go, get out.

All right.

- Just put them out of your mind.

- Okay.

The girls were never here.

- Mm-hmm, okay.

- Good, good?

- Yeah, yeah.

- All right, I got to do a quick sound check here on your mic, so I want you to just go over that intro we came up with, all right?

Ready...

and go.

Hi.

I am Vanessa Baxter, and I am running for Colorado State Assembly.

Welcome to my home.

Okay.

We got the sound check and...

next we're gonna go live, and you're gonna want to act like you actually are alive.

Hey, man, you want a cup of coffee?

Oh, yeah, thanks, Mr.

Larabee.

How do you take it?

Oh, three caramels, whipped cream, and a cinnamon stick.

Why don't I just let you get it?

Oh...

Gentlemen, a moment, please.

- I did a little figuring based on what you make...

- Mm-hmm?

... and here's what you each owe for the baby gift.

- Oh, okay.

- Great.

Thanks, Mr.

Alzate.

Yeah, this was really a good idea.

Now that I know what you both earn, you spend way too much time standing around doing nothing.

Did you just try and look at my piece of paper?

No, but you just tried to look at mine.

I don't care what's on your paper.

That is your business.

Hmm, unless my business is more than your business.

Which it probably isn't.

Okay.

We both want to know what each other has, so, count of three we show each other the paper, deal?

- Deal.

- Okay.

One.

Two.

Three.

I knew you weren't gonna do it.

You didn't, either.

Okay, go again.

Okay.

But for realsies.

Okay.

One.

Two.

Three.

Oh...

Seriously?

All right, never mind.

I'm out of here.

Yeah, go get your stupid coffee!

You know, actually, I think I'll buy one in the Grill.

- I can afford it.

- Hmm.

So can I.

I can afford two if I want!

So, I hope that answers your question, Linda from Capitol Hill.

We need to solve Colorado's problems from top...

Ooh!

From top to bottom.

If you want to hear more of her stands on the issues, you can visit her website, but today, we're gonna get a little more personal right now.

Why don't you tell us about the time you and your daughters ran out of gas up on I-70?

Oh, that is quite a story, Mike.

We ran out of gas...

...

and then we got more.

Looks like we just lost Linda from Capitol Hill.

What we're gonna do now is take a quick break, little five-minute break, give the voters of Colorado a chance to catch their breath.

See you in five.

Oh, we can do that?

Um, honey.

We're not on right now.

You can relax.

No, I don't, I don't want to relax.

I-I need to keep my energy up.

You know, an oil painting has more energy than you have right now.

I'm sorry, Michael.

Just blame Mandy.

Look, I-I don't want to be a joke.

I'm going to the bathroom.

I...

Great.

Oh, boy.

It's going great, Mr.

Baxter.

What part of this is going great to you?

The part where she actually moved her face?

On the bright side, I don't think anybody is going to remember this.

Hmm.

You know, I think I have a way for people to remember this.

Ooh, what's that?

It's just a little special effect for later.

- Special effect?

- Don't touch that!

You're back in five.

Okay.

Ready?

Four, three, two, one.

All right.

Our hour's almost up, so let's pick up the pace - a little bit.

- What does that mean?

Word association.

Family.

Uh, good.

Commitment.

Also good.

- All right, third word.

- All right, stop.

Stop.

What are you doing with this mug?

- Oh, spider!

- There.

Girls!

Get in here and get this thing!

Oh, make Jen do it.

You're wearing oven mitts.

Stop it.

Just relax.

Look, he's perfectly harmless.

I think he's peeing on me!

Why the hell would you do that?

What?

You're not afraid of spiders.

No.

No, you know, I'll tell you what I am scared of.

Them.

Them, the trolls who-who don't really care about what our kids are going through at school.

You know, all they care about are goofy pictures on the Internet.

So, you know what?

You go ahead.

You go ahead, and you make a meme of me holding a spider.

And while you're at it, uh, here's me blinking.

And-and here's me yawning.

And then there, whatever this means.

I'm Vanessa Baxter, and I'm wishing you a good night.

If you'd like to learn more about this candidate's positions, Baxters out.

Come in.

- Watch it, guys.

Come on.

Easy does it.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Whoa, what's this?

Uh, well, the three of us got you and Kristin a little something for the baby.

Guys, thank you so much.

That is totally unnecessary.

I mean, not that we don't...

O-Okay, okay, y-yeah, yeah.

Just, uh, tell me where to put it so I don't get a hernia.

All right, here we go.

- Easy there.

- Whoa.

- I got it.

- Uh, oh, let me go get Kris.

There you go.

Oh, I have a check for you, Mr.

Alzate.

- Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Me, too.

- Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

What?

Are you-you afraid I'm gonna look at your check?

Uh, yeah.

I wasn't born yesterday, Chuck.

That would make me a baby.

Are you two dummies still on this?

Give me those.

Are you still worried about who makes more money?

Maybe a little.

I'm not.

'Cause I probably make more.

Probably don't.

Okay, fine.

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

All right, here.

Here.

Chuck's check.

Here's Kyle's.

All right, go ahead.

Go ahead.

What are you waiting for?

Don't you want to know?

- I do.

- I do more.

Wait, they're the same amount.

What, what, so, we make the same money?

I don't know.

Do you really think I know how to look up how much you make on the company database?

I can't even close out a game of solitaire I started in 2008.

Wow.

Yeah, well, now I feel kind of stupid.

Well, you should.

You know, I'm a really wealthy man.

And there's two things I've learned in life.

One: if you can...

be very wealthy.

And two: never compare yourself to someone based on money.

The most important thing in life is a person's character.

And you both have equal amounts of that.

I'm sorry, Chuck.

Me, too, buddy.

For realsies.

- Hey, guys.

Wow, this is nice.

- Oh.

- What?

- Yeah, I thought we could both, um...

...

open it together?

- Uh, what?

A Rock-a-Tot?

- What?

You guys, this-this gift is amazing.

Well, it's for two people we love and one person we're going to love.

- Oh!

- Guys, th...

- I mean, this is really expensive.

- Yeah.

Money.

Who cares about money?

Besides, we-we split it.

Mm-hmm.

But not evenly, of course.

I make a lot more money than these chumps, so it's mostly from me.

- Uncle Ed.

Oh, we love you.

- That's all right.

Just open it slowly.

I don't want to open it, Jen.

You open it.

- You open it.

- You open it.

- You open it.

- I'm not gonna open it.

- You open...

- Is Vanessa back yet?

Not yet.

Boy, she seemed pretty mad.

All she said was, "I'm going for a walk".

That's what she does when she's upset.

The more upset she is, the further she walks.

One time, I had to go pick her up in Wyoming.

That was my fault.

I'm sorry the livestream was such a disaster.

I don't think it was a disaster, and not just 'cause it was my idea.

She wanted to get some attention, she got said attention.

Yeah, I don't think Mom's gonna see it that way.

Oh, hell yes!

Hey, honey.

Look, look, look.

Did you see my website?

Look at this.

Look at this.

It's blowing up.

Thousands of comments.

Donations are pouring in, and look at this.

Linda from Capitol Hill sent in a hundred bucks.

- Ah.

- Right?

I always liked that woman.

So, you're not worried about becoming a meme.

Oh, no, I-I already am.

No, look, look.

Here's a picture of me with the spider, and it says, "This is what badass looks like".

Right?

And then over here, look.

Here, this one says, uh, "What has ten legs and my vote?" Here's one that says, "She puts the 'rack' in arachnid".

Gross.

Hey, that's me!

Wait.

They made me into the Crazy Oven Mitt Lady?

You know, honey, you got to be careful with what you put on the Internet.

You just have to work with someone who knows what they're doing.

Thank you.

Aw, kiss of the Spider Woman.

I hope not.

You know, female spiders k*ll the male after mating.

Yeah, but, you know, that's-that's, like, afterwards.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man talking about arachnids.

Spiders.

I've traveled throughout the world and seen hundreds of the estimated 35,000 species.

They can be big, little, poisonous, jump high, but one thing all spiders are is authentic.

You push 'em, they push back.

If you push up against a Brazilian, uh, wandering spider?

You might want to wander into an emergency room.

Spiders have very poor eyesight, you know?

Unlike the Feds, who have a lot of eyes and can see your hard-earned money no matter where you put it.

You got to love the female spiders.

Yeah.

They often begin eating the male during sex.

You know, he knew what he was getting into, but he d*ed doing what he loved.

Look, big females eat their puny mates (simply because A) They're hungry.

Right?

(B) They can.

Love 'em or hate 'em, you never wonder if spiders are being straight with you.

Maybe our leaders should take a lesson from spiders instead of, I don't know, snakes?

Politicians like to come up with ways to convince us that they're being honest with us.

Here's an idea.

Why don't you tell the truth?

Maybe we should be like spiders and let the women run things, huh?

Yeah.

Just be sure to avoid 'em, you know, when they're hungry.

Baxter out.