08x17 - Keep the Change

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing up here in Eve's room?

What?

I'm just taking some of this old stuff down.

What?

Not the Peyton Manning poster.

I come up here all the time and look at that.

It just reminds me of a time when the Broncos didn't suck.

Okay.

Look, Eve doesn't need this room anymore.

She qualified for the pilot training program.

It's a ten-year commitment.

And even Air Force pilots don't need stuffed bears anymore.

Well, we don't have to change everything.

Oh, honey, you have had a month to think about this.

That's enough time to grieve.

You know, a lot of people think you're the emotional one, but I think you're cold as ice.

We're not using this room for anything else.

True.

True, but, look, I need it to be different.

Uh, every time I walk by this room, I burst into tears.

It's-it's like my little tomboy is-is all grown up, and now she's a...

- k*lling machine.

- What?

A woman.

A woman.

Look, it...

It just reminds me that this phase in our lives is over.

Give me Mrs.

Huggy Pants.

Mm.

- Oh, hey.

Wow, look at that.

- Hi.

You guys are back early.

Well, having Jen help me write the vlogs - has been very helpful to me.

- Yeah.

- What's in the box?

- Huh?

What box?

It's pretty heavy, 'cause your eyes are twitching.

- Nope.

- So, it must be...

- Mike.

- You're still moving stuff out of Eve's room?

- Come on.

- Can you believe this, Jen?

That you're upset about something?

Yeah, I've seen it before.

Look, Eve is fine with it.

And maybe...

maybe we can use that as a guest room.

Hell no.

A guest room?

That means we have to have guests.

We're leaving the room the way it is.

You know, if you don't like what's in there, just shut the door, you won't have to see it.

No.

No.

Look, I-I just want to make it comfortable for Jen's dad for-for graduation week.

You don't need a guest room.

My dad's not coming to graduation.

He's not coming?

Since when?

He's so busy, I'd feel terrible asking him.

- Uh...

- You didn't even ask him?

No.

My dad would do anything for me, and I didn't want to pressure him.

Well, if I were your dad, I'd want to be here.

Yes.

I know that.

It's what makes you awesome.

You're the family who helped me through high school.

If you're there, that's all I really need.

We're all she really needs?

So, she's no longer the exchange student that lives with us.

Now she's a child that we've stolen.

Whoa, hey, hey, Kyle, Kyle.

Kyle, check out this cool thing my friend sent me.

Oh, uh, we're on the clock, buddy.

If, uh...

if it's not work-related, it's gonna have to wait.

Unless it's something really cool.

You know what?

I'll just come over.

It's this audio clip that's been on the Internet for the last couple of years.

It's this guy saying this one word over and over.

Some people think he's saying "Laurel", and other people think he's saying "Yanny".

- What?

- No, no, no, no.

I'll play it for you.

Here it is.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Okay.

Yeah, he's saying "Laurel".

Well, yeah.

No.

I hear "Yanny" clear as a bell.

Is this a prank?

Hey, hey, hey, guys.

Yeah, come-come-come over here.

Tell me what word you hear.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Ah, this thing?

It's "Laurel", end of story.

Thank you, Kristin.

What?

"Laurel"?

Are you nuts?

It's saying "Yanny".

Well, hey, let's see what Ed thinks.

- Ed, Ed, what do you hear?

- Yeah.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Oh.

I hear "Get back to work".

I love these Dirty Harry movies.

- Mm.

- "Go ahead.

Make my day".

Yeah, a lot of people think Eastwood came up with that.

Actually, it was me.

Really?

You coined the Dirty Harry catchphrase?

Not just that one.

A lot of times I leave work, and look at Ed, and I say, "I'll be back".

And my favorite one of all time is "More power".

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Uh, Mike, the, uh...

the eagle has landed.

That's another one, "The Eagle has landed".

One of mine.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

The, uh, the eagle has landed.

- Our eagle?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yes.

Can-can I tell her?

- Yeah.

- Tell me what?

Wait.

Eagle?

Jeep Eagle?

You guys got me a car - for graduation...

- No, no.

No, no.

- ...

and it's sitting in the driveway?!

- No.

No, no, no.

No, no.

No.

When have we ever done anything that makes you think we're that generous?

This surprise is better.

It turns out your father isn't too busy, so we invited him to the graduation, and now...

He's here!

What?

Well, not "here" here.

He's-he's at the airport, probably near one of those soft pretzel stands.

- Oh, yeah.

- I should call him, and have him bring some for everybody.

You knew we were awesome, but did you know we were this awesome?

This is not awesome.

Hey, what's-what's going on?

Is everything okay with your dad?

Oh, yeah.

I love my dad.

I want to see him.

Well, good, 'cause he flew here from Hong Kong.

I don't want to see his girlfriend.

You don't know that he brought his girlfriend.

- He did, Mike.

- Okay.

Great.

Now you guys get to meet the woman who wants to replace my mom.

Well...

Well, it's not gonna be easy, but we're gonna have to get her a Jeep Eagle.

Hey, Jen.

Tell us about this girlfriend that you don't like.

I don't want to talk about it.

I hope you can respect that.

Yeah, of course we can.

Yeah, you-you come and tell us whenever you want.

Like when the big hand is on now.

Honey, we just want to know what we're dealing with.

You-you never mentioned that your dad had a girlfriend.

Well, he does.

Fiona.

All right, well, Fiona.

Come on, it's a lovely name.

Not the way she says it.

For years, she and my dad were "friends", but when I was home last summer, my dad told me their relationship had "progressed".

- Okay...

- I often tell people that, uh, progress isn't always the best thing, but people don't listen, because they're usually on their phones.

They do everything together now.

They got matching pajamas this Christmas.

Ugh!

Kind of sorry I saw that.

I have to look that guy in the eye in two hours, it's...

I don't know what he sees in her.

She's nothing like my mother.

My mom was sweet and kind and thoughtful.

We know, Jen.

But, look, it's-it's just for a couple days.

I'm sure you can handle that.

- I mean, look, she can't be any worse than Mike.

- Ha.

It's not a contest, honey, but it's good to know I'm the bar.

Hey, babe.

Here is your left shoe.

Oh, thank you.

This morning, I put on a brown one and a black one.

I...

I can't see my feet.

So, I heard about this whole Laurel and Yanny thing.

You know, the reason why you hear two different things is because they're recorded in two different frequencies.

So...

which one did you hear?

Kyle?

We agreed not to talk about it.

You're right.

All right.

Sorry.

Yeah, but maybe he could break the tie.

Yeah.

Go ahead, honey.

What do you hear?

Yanny.

- You fool!

- Whoo!

Chuck, we finally win!

Isn't this a pretty picture.

My wife and my best friend both hearing "Yanny".

Come on, Kyle.

Let's get away from these Yannies.

That is so childish.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Laurels rule and Yannies drool!

Yeah, actually, I heard Laurel; I just wanted to mess with my wife.

Oh, this thing with Jen just breaks my heart.

You know, I know I didn't like the idea of my mom in a new relationship, either.

Is this about Ed?

He's a good stepfather.

Remember the time he held your hand - and took you to the park?

- No, stop.

Stop.

No.

No.

Look, after my dad d*ed, there was a new guy buzzing around my mom...

mowing the lawn, raking the leaves.

He's called a gardener.

You know, look.

Look, i-if you ever wonder why I sometimes don't share things with you, remember this moment.

I got a welcome gift for Fiona, but only because you made me.

- Ooh, rose quartz.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- Wow, it's beautiful.

- Good idea.

I think it'll be good to have in the room.

It's said to calm feelings of anger or resentment.

Kind of like beer.

The first two, not the last six.

That's, that's just a black eye and a police report.

Oh, all right.

- Okay.

- Okay.

All right, good.

- Pa!

- Ah-mui!

Ah.

- Hey, Henry.

Welcome.

- Ah.

Hi, Henry.

- Oh, thanks for having us.

- Yes.

I wouldn't miss Jen's graduation for the world.

Uh...

oh, you must be Fiona.

Yes, we-we are so glad you could come.

- Oh, nice to meet you all.

- Yeah, Mike Baxter.

Welcome.

Told you you were overdressed.

Everywhere we go, you're like Elton John.

Yeah, look at me.

"Rocket Man".

At least it's not matching pajamas.

Yeah.

I think you look nice, Dad.

Uh, so, well, - let's not stand by the door all night.

- Yeah.

- Come on into the living room.

- Come on.

Come on in, sit down.

Sit.

- Okay.

- Oh.

What a beautiful home.

- Oh, thank you.

- Thank you.

This one's sense of decor is mid-century bowling alley.

I like our apartment.

So does she.

Not as much as she likes bad jokes.

Oh, it's not a joke.

When you visit, he rents you shoes.

That's funny.

That is...

Uh, you know who else is funny?

Say something.

Say something.

Okay, okay, all right.

One of my favorite jokes.

- The potato joke.

- No.

Um, so, uh, w-we're so glad you could be here.

- Uh, h-how was your flight?

- Yeah.

Well, I got a lot of exercise.

- Yeah.

- Up, down, up, down.

I mean, if you're gonna go to the bathroom every hour, sit on the aisle.

That's funny.

You stick him in the middle seat, then complain because you have to get up.

You could've just switched seats.

Ha, ha, ha.

See?

I'm being funny, too.

Uh...

Jen, uh, dear, why don't you come in the kitchen with me, help me fix some drinks?

I think it's a good time for the potato joke.

- Two guys are...

- No.

No, hey!

No, no.

Come, come with us.

I'll stay here and make sure Henry doesn't steal anything.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, the quartz thing didn't work.

Looks like rocks aren't magic.

I told you.

- She's the worst person in the world.

- All right, look, I-I don't know if she's that bad.

- All she does is put my father down.

- Hey.

That's what couples do.

I make fun of Vanessa all the time.

Yeah, and look, it doesn't bother me.

And you know how you can tell?

I make him dinner, and yet he's still with us.

I can't believe you both like her.

Look, no, I just met the woman.

Do I want to take a six-hour car ride with her?

No.

Unless it's in a hearse.

You're not helping.

- I didn't say she was in the back.

- Oh, my God.

Sunday is my graduation, and I don't want her here.

Okay, look, Jen, Jen.

You don't want the memory of your graduation to be all about the blowup you had with your father's girlfriend.

- Okay.

- Good.

Then can I get drunk?

No.

Right?

Okay, hold on, but give me a minute.

Um, then there's Zion, uh, National Park, which is gorgeous, beautiful, certainly worth seeing.

And there you have all the national parks in alphabetical order.

Uh, uh, well, you know, I-I love cities.

- Yes.

Right.

- So, uh, I like to start with Akron, Ohio.

I-I'd love to hear about it, but, uh, Fiona and I are a little jet-lagged.

- Oh, of course.

- Oh.

Okay, all right.

Uh, ah-mui, we'll talk tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

We didn't even talk to her tonight.

She's so quiet, this one.

Oh, I can talk.

I have a lot to say.

All right, yeah, but they already said their goodbyes, so we're just, we're gonna let them go.

And maybe there's a better time for us to have this conversation, Jen.

It won't take long.

All I have to say is: why?

I-I'll be right back.

Yeah, u-uh...

Uh, did... ?

Uh, Mike, just...

They're not swearing, so I don't really understand what they're saying.

I know what they're saying.

Honey, go.

- Tell her the potato joke.

- No, just...

Excuse me, excuse me.

I-I'll first say that it's-it's a lovely language when you're arguing like that.

It's...

- We weren't arguing.

- Yes, we were.

Well, now you are.

Uh, J-Jen, would you give us a minute, please?

I want to talk to your dad for a moment.

Please?

Fine.

I'm going for a walk.

Don't go far.

- Listen, I...

- Sorry.

She's complaining about Fiona.

She doesn't understand what I like about her.

Well, I got to be honest, I kind of wondered the same thing myself.

I just...

Yes, I know, Fiona has a big personality.

It's just what I needed.

Just, I-I've never really needed to get my balls busted.

But I-I got to be honest, I-I don't think this is just about Fiona.

Eh, I don't, either.

Jen wants things to stay the way they used to be.

- But they don't.

- No, no.

It's okay for her to go forward with her life, but she doesn't want me to move on.

Y-You understand.

You have daughters.

Yeah, I've got, uh, two married daughters and, uh...

and my, uh, y-youngest is, um, Eve.

- Mm.

- She's in, uh, Air Force Academy.

Well, while Eve is away, I'm sure she doesn't want things here at home to change, either.

Yes.

There has been some resistance around here about that.

So you understand.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I-I understand.

Really?

You're not even gonna say good morning?

Why should I?

I don't know what you people hear.

Just drop it, Kyle.

No, it's no big deal.

All I'm saying is I don't know you!

- Hey, Kristin.

- Hey, Kyle.

Oh, I see you two are on a first-name basis.

Oh, so you can you hear that, but you don't hear Laurel?

- No, I hear Yanny.

- Laurel.

- Yanny.

Yanny.

- Laurel.

Laurel.

Laurel.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I want to say something here.

Yanny, Yanny, Yanny, Yanny, Yanny!

Time-out, time-out.

I got a recording of my own I want you all to listen to.

Just let me know what you hear.

Tell me.

I can't really make anything out.

It sounds like a bunch of people at a party.

Yeah, w-what is this thing, Ed?

It's you knuckleheads hanging out last week.

- Sounds like we were having a really good time.

- You were.

And then we let all this Laurel-Yanny stuff split us up.

You did.

See, "out there" everybody's always fighting.

They're, I mean, they're looking for things to fight about.

I don't want that in here, folks.

I-I don't, either.

From now on, let's not talk about things that separate us.

Agreed.

Let's just stick to politics and religion.

Did you finally cave and agree to let Vanessa change Eve's room?

No, actually, we've invited Fiona to move in.

Ha, ha.

I miss Eve.

But I don't think she's moving back.

I just have to accept the fact that things change.

Wow.

The way you were acting, I didn't think you would ever accept that.

Well...

I'm having a little difficulty moving on.

Uh, it's probably my age.

More likely, 'cause I loved the way things used to be.

I've got to learn to make the best of it, you know?

It's not like I have a choice.

I get it.

You're talking about me, too.

But maybe I don't want to move on.

I'm not talking about you.

I was talking about your dad.

You know, he wants to move on.

He's having a hard time, and I understand that.

And do you want to make it harder for him?

You want some help?

Sure, that'd be great.

Um, just pack her sweaters up.

There's two boxes over there.

Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man talking about change.

Now, nature is full of change.

Sometimes that change is good.

A caterpillar goes into a slimy cocoon and emerges a gorgeous butterfly.

On the other hand, some change is, well, hard.

When a bear cub says goodbye to the cave, he leaves behind two very sad bear parents who feel like they have nothing left in life, except selling toilet paper...

and mauling campers.

But there's two ways of looking at change.

You can either focus on what you're losing, or celebrate what you're gaining.

To quote the novelist Hermann Hesse, "Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go".

Great advice for life, bad advice if you're rock climbing.

My advice for dealing with change?

Take baby steps.

Like, maybe you used to go camping with your family in a 200-square-foot tent.

Then the kids moved out, and now when you go camping, you and your old lady feel like the last two people at a circus.

That's why this month at Outdoor Man, we're inviting you empty nesters to trade in your old family tent for a discount on our new, cozy, two-person tent.

Insulated, easy setup, water-resistant.

Now, the only thing it can't do is protect you from those bears.

But don't worry, they probably just want to show you photos of their cubs and grand-cubs.

And then they're gonna maul you.

Baxter out.

Okay, these two guys are at the beach, right?

Santa Monica Pier, they're sitting there, and one guy tells the other guy, "You know, women never pay attention to me.

You always get attention from women.

Is there any trick I can do?" The guy says, "It's a trick I don't usually tell many people.

Here's what I want you to do.

Get a potato, put it in your bathing suit".

The guy says, "What?" "Don't ask questions, just do as I say".

And then the guy, you know, he finds a potato, puts it in his bathing suit, goes out on the beach.

He comes back probably 15 minutes later.

And he's-he's livid.

He goes, "You told me to put a potato in my bathing suit and the lifeguard kicked me out.

Women were screaming, children were running from me".

And the guy that told him that says, "You put the potato in the front".

So what should have made the man appear well-endowed, in fact made it look like he soiled himself.

- Uh, yeah, that's-that's the joke.

- Yeah.