04x01 - The V-Word

[bunniefuu]

I was just reading your naughty texts from this morning, and I believe this is the moment you referred to as "go time.

" And I bought us some fake candles so that we don't start another sex fire.

Ooh.

What is that, a blindfold?

Ooh, I like that you're adding some new plays to the game.

No, it's just a washcloth.

I have a headache.

I'm sorry, honey.

I just...

I've been getting a lot of them lately.

Oh.

Is there anything I can do?

Make you some coffee or...?

No, thanks.

I had two cups after dinner.

I-I'll call the doctor tomorrow.

That's smart.

Yeah, get it checked out.

This is nice.

We've never had a work meeting by candlelight before.

Well, I'm using everything I didn't get a chance to use last night.

So, if you want whipped cream in your coffee, let me know.

I like it.

I feel like I'm at a séance.

Grandpa, I'm sorry I took your cigarettes.

Well, look, I appreciate you guys working here today.

Since Andi's at the doctor, I wanted to be home when she gets back.

The doctor?

Is she okay?

Yeah, yeah.

She's just feeling a little tired and headachy.

Hmm.

Sounds like she got a case of the wifes.

Hi, guys.

Hey.

So, what did the doctor say?

It's nothing serious.

But the doctor did recommend one thing - that I'm thinking we should discuss in private.

- Oh.

- We should go.

- Good idea.

Come on, Lowell.

Come on, Grandpa.

So, uh, wh-what's going on?

Well, the doctor says that my problem is hormonal.

Oh, that's not so bad.

So, what do you do for that, a pill or something?

Kind of.

In-in the sense that I have to stop taking a pill.

The pill.

What?

I know.

But that's the best pill.

I would give up all the other pills for that pill.

Yeah.

I mean, that pill lets us have fun without consequences.

We can't afford to put another consequence through college.

It's like some mysterious force is trying to stop us from having sex.

I...

So, um, I've been off the pill for a few days, and I feel pretty good.

Good.

I said I feel good.

Take your pants off.

My favorite four words in the English language.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

We can't just do this.

There's no goalie in the net.

Okay, so go to the drugstore and buy a box of goalies.

I...

that'll take too long, you know?

My uniform's on.

They sang the national anthem.

It's-it's time to take the ice.

Well, what do we do?

There's got to be one of those things around here somewhere.

When was the last time I slept with someone I didn't completely trust?

Oh!

I got it.

I need my box of stuff from my single days.

All right, I'll be right back.

Don't move.

Ow!

Hey, there.

Mm.

That was fun.

Yeah.

It's always fun.

That's the thing about it.

It was different, though.

It's great to go for a spin, but it's hard to wear a helmet when I've already felt the wind in my face.

Well, if you don't like wearing one of those, there's other forms of birth control.

Look, the best birth control is if I grow a mustache again.

It smelled like pretzels.

Okay, well, let's narrow down our options, right?

We know it has to be hormone-free, so all that stuff is no good.

Yeah.

And it'd be great if using it didn't require a time-out just when things are getting hot and heavy.

Agreed.

That is a bad time for a commercial break.

Okay, but...

we can work around that if one of us is prepared in advance.

Yeah.

Yeah, but-but I don't want to schedule it.

Being able to do it whenever I want is the whole reason I got married.

Besides all the love.

But that got me in the door.

Okay, but, you know, u-until we figure it out, we need to keep our hands to ourselves.

Yeah, well, sure.

No big deal.

We've been married 20 years.

How hard can it be?

_ This has been the hardest week of my life.

You're over here pouring coffee like a minx.

Teasing me.

Just knowing we can't do it makes me want to do it even more.

If I had known our last time was gonna be our last time, I would've put on a better show.

Okay.

Let's figure out this budget.

Oh, numbers are boring.

That should help.

Yeah.

Okay.

We are way over budget on the new house we're flipping.

We need to bring down the cost of the fixtures.

Fixtures?

Well, that's, uh...

should be...

Do you have to hold your pencil like that, all sexy?

That's...

that's just the way I write.

- Mm.

- You know.

Fast, and then not so fast.

Can feel your eyes burning a hole through my shirt.

I like it.

Okay, that's it.

Go back to fooling around already.

And by the way, I shouldn't even know you haven't been fooling around, but the two of you won't shut up about it.

I'd file a complaint with HR, but that's me.

Look, we have a real problem here.

Andi had to go off the pill, and none of the other options are good.

Believe me, if there was a solution, we would have found it.

Well, I have a solution.

Great.

We're open to anything.

- Get a vasectomy.

- What?!

I never even thought of that.

Who would think of it?

Sounds awfully permanent, Lowell.

That's what's great about it.

One afternoon, and you never have to worry about it again.

What do you think?

Well, I, uh...

I think I need more information from the expert who brought it up in front of my wife.

Yeah.

Come on, Lowell.

Let's go talk about it in the driveway man-to-man.

Come on.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on.

What are you doing to me?

As soon as you called me a man, I knew I was in trouble.

You never say the v-word in another man's house.

I was just trying to help.

You know, millions of guys get vasec...

Stop saying it!

Let me tell you something, Lowell.

Surgery is knives and scalpels and needles, and none of those will ever come anywhere near my favorite friend.

- S-So, then, don't do it.

- Yeah.

But now she's heard the word.

It's out there.

You did a very bad thing, Lowell.

Very bad.

I'm not sorry.

You were both playing footsie with me under the table.

I had to make it stop.

Where do you think you're going?

My stuff's in there.

Well, you should've thought about that before you fired up your propaganda machine.

Hey.

Where's Lowell?

Oh, uh, he left.

Yeah.

He felt bad about getting involved - in our personal business.

- Mm.

You know, h-his idea would solve our problem once and for all.

I mean, maybe it's worth considering.

Uh-huh.

I'm gonna go call Janette.

I think her husband had one.

Very bad, Lowell!

Can I come sit with you guys yet?

No.

Thanks to you, Andi says it's something we should consider.

She's calling her friend Janette.

When Janette got wind chimes, we got wind chimes.

How could you say the v-word in front of his wife?

Why do you hate him?

I didn't know it was such a terrible idea.

Fine, you can come back over.

But you can never say that word again.

I won't, I swear.

That was a cold, lonely eight minutes.

The question is: What do I do now?

Obviously, I'm not gonna get a...

I can't even say it.

Let's just call it Lowell's terrible idea.

You could make Lowell's terrible idea go away if you give Andi a better solution.

Like what?

Well, there are other forms of birth control.

Your mother and I used the rhythm method.

It only failed twice...

One, two.

Or you could just do it with lady on top.

Let gravity do the work.

How do you not have 20 kids?

- Gravity.

- Mm.

She's not gonna go for any of those.

Yeah, don't listen to Don's terrible idea.

That's the new terrible idea.

Don't get cocky.

You started this.

Look, the minute Lowell mentioned it, you know what popped into my head?

- Our old dog Rex.

- Oh.

After we had him fixed, he was never the same.

That's true.

Poor guy stopped chasing the Frisbee.

Just didn't see the point anymore.

His one purpose in life was to make little Rexes, and the doctor just took it away.

And then, of course, there was the end.

Aw.

The end?

What happened to Rex?

Ran out in front of the bookmobile.

We'll never know if it was on purpose or not.

But if he had thumbs, I bet he would have written a note.

I just need a surefire way to make this whole thing disappear.

I mean, I guess I could just say "no." Okay.

Nice knowing you, Rex.

Yeah.

It won't work.

That "no" won't stick.

Why not?

Because if you hit her with a knee-jerk "no" without anything to back it up, she'll hit you with a "why." And then you're dead.

Right.

So whenever Marcy suggests some nutty thing, I go through the motions, I get informed, and then I say, "I thought about it, I did my homework, but it's a 'no.'" And that "no" sticks?

Oh, yeah, the wives love it when you do your homework.

- Yeah.

- Deep down, they're all teachers.

It's a thoughtful, open-minded "no." - Mm-hmm.

- Wives dig that hippie crap.

Okay.

How about this?

I'll go for a consultation with a doctor who specializes in Lowell's terrible idea.

I didn't invent it.

I just said it.

And I'll bring Andi with me.

Okay, she'll see me doing my homework by listening to the doctor, I take a day or two to consider it with an open mind, then I give Andi a "no" that sticks.

Then problem solved...

no vasectomy.

- Lowell!

- I heard it.

I'll go back over there.

You know, I am so impressed that you would even consider this.

Well, a consultation seemed like a good idea.

I like to do my homework before I make a decision.

You can never go wrong with homework.

You look hot.

I do?

I don't know.

It's been too long.

You could grow that stupid mustache again.

I'd be all over you.

Mr. and Mrs. Burns, the doctor's ready for you.

You okay?

- You nervous?

- No.

It's a consultation.

A consultation is just a consultation.

Everybody feels uneasy, but once they talk to the doctor, they relax.

Some guys even do the procedure during the consultation.

Yeah.

That's what Janette's husband did.

He did, huh?

Old wind chime Bob?

Adam?

There you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

How did you get in the house?

I had the keys.

Oh, I used my Swiss Army Kn*fe.

I hid it under my dress.

Doctor has a Kn*fe, I have a Kn*fe.

Fair is fair.

Care to tell me what happened back there?

I can't do it.

I can't do it so much, I can't even pretend to think about doing it.

You were pretending?

Yes.

I wanted you to think I was open-minded about that procedure, but I am not.

Do you know what they do in that room?

It is barbaric!

It was your idea.

No, it was Lowell's idea.

I would never suggest that.

It would be taking away my whole purpose on this planet.

What about the little Adams?

- What, you mean, like, babies?

- Yes.

That's what I'm here for.

To pass on all this good stuff.

But we already had babies.

And we don't need any more.

Look, I...

I know we did, but I'm just saying.

What if?

You mean what if I get struck by lightning and you want to have kids with some new woman?

That "what if"?

No.

It's bigger and less selfish than that.

What if I want to have kids with lots of women?

Excuse me?

I mean, if there's a natural disaster.

You know, the big one.

Meteor or alien invasion.

Everybody gets wiped out except me and five young women.

Oh, they're young now.

I see.

There's lots of 'em, and they're young.

Well, yeah, they have to be young.

Those are the only people that survive the big one.

Uh-huh.

Then how did you survive?

I can survive anything.

I got my Swiss Army Kn*fe.

My-my point is, I may have to populate the human race.

It's happened before.

My name is Adam.

Okay, so your big worry is a doomsday orgy fantasy?

Yes!

And you don't want to change that story?

No!

Why?

Why?

Yeah.

Why?

I was warned about this.

All right, fine.

If I had that operation, uh...

I would feel like less of a man.

Why didn't you just say that?

Because no man wants to say that.

We don't even want to admit the possibility that we could be less of a man.

You don't think I'm curious about the mango margarita?

Huh?

It looks delicious, but I will never order one.

Wow.

That is some deep, ancient boy stuff.

We think things.

We don't tell you all the things, but we think 'em.

Hey, first of all, I would never want you to do something that you didn't want to do.

And second of all, you could never be less of a man to me.

Really?

Really.

You know, uh...

it's windy today.

And when I was running home, trying to keep my dress down...

it occurred to me that I may have overreacted a little bit.

- A lot.

- A lot.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But we still can't have sex.

I know.

But what's our second-favorite thing to do in the bedroom?

We can watch House Hunters.

Okay.

Hey, but you can't hug me when they find wood floors under the carpet, or we might have a fourth kid.

But it turns me on so much!

You don't look so good.

I had another nookie-free night.

I'm going crazy.

I'm like a racehorse stuck in a barn.

I know what you mean.

It's like the Olympics.

If I don't get it every two years, I feel like I missed something.

Adam?

Adam, I just got off the phone with my doctor...

Oh.

Lowell, you have to go.

Now!

Now?

Why?

Because all your stuff's out there.

Come on!

Come on.

Come on, come on.

This keeps happening to me.

What?

What?

What is it?

The doctor got my test results back, and my headaches aren't from the pill.

It's from too much coffee!

Yeah.

Turns out I have a horrible caffeine addiction!

How awesome is that?!

So awesome!

- Let's celebrate.

Where's your pills?

- I already took two.

The kids are at school.

I'll race you upstairs.

Okay.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- Wait,, wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What?

What is that for?

You know, just for fun.

You be the sexy nurse, and I'll be the guy who just woke up from a coma and forgot how to have sex.

Oh, let's go.

Oh!