03x01 - Slowly Slowly Catchy Monkey

[bunniefuu]

HUGO: What's the deal with you and Villanelle?

I hate to be strict, but she really mustn't k*ll anyone.

VILLANELLE: Eve would never forgive me if I hurt you, Niko.

Kenny, I didn't know you'd be here!

This is a setup.

You're the person who made this whole operation possible.

VILLANELLE: You should let yourself go.

[SCREAMING]

That's what you leave behind.

It's finished.

I've got to go home.

I thought you were special.

Sorry to disappoint.

[g*nsh*t]

[DOOR OPENS]

[GRUNTS]

[COACH SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

[GROANS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GROANS]

[GIRL SPEAKING SPANISH]

... especially if that love, introduces themselves, by marching up to you in the middle of the airport, saying, "I'm going wherever you are going."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND CHEERS]

This day, this speech, and this toast... is for us.

[GUESTS APPLAUD AND CHEER]

GUEST: We love you!

If I'd have known getting married would be this much fun,

I'd have done it loads more by now.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

When I first met Maria...

I thought, "Great shoes."

But then I learned, there's so much more to her than that.

She also has a great house, and a pool and tailor.

Hairdresser.

It really is the all-around excellent package. [CHUCKLES]

[DOOR OPENS]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

When we met...

[SCOFFS] I'd just had a really bad breakup.

It was really bad.

But when I think about my ex today...

I realise...

I am so much happier now she's dead.

[LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY]

[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING]

[GUESTS APPLAUDING]

[SCREAMS]

[BOTH GROANING]

This is my special day.

[GASPS]

Sincere... congratulations!

MARIA: Stop it! Stop!

[GLASS SMASHING]

[SHOUTING IN SPANISH]

[MARIA CRYING]

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]

[MARIA WAILING]

[CANS CLANKING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Apparently, I've lost their trust.

Was that something you ever wanted to find?

Not quite. The problem being, they've brought someone in to oversee the desk.

Someone dreadful, I might add.

You're joking.

Diane doesn't joke.

She's too constricted.

And she specifically chose, a Whitehall Warrior in a rather successful attempt to irritate me.

So we're basically being overseen by a massive w*nk*r.

- Precisely.
- What would you like?

Orecchiette please, Sam.

I mean, Diane's been waiting for years to strike back at me, and now's her chance.

She is a prime example of upper level preventing the real work from being done.

Bureaucracy in all its glory.

Parmigiano?

Carolyn?

Here we go.

[CHUCKLES]

I hear you've been very naughty.

Have I? How thrilling.

This is Mo Jafari.

A very promising young agent, who I unearthed in Comms of all places.

Mo, Paul Bradwell.

Paul was once the rising star of MI until he defected to the other side.

I don't think the Foreign Office can be considered the other side, Carolyn.

Don't you?

I'm back now, with bells on.

So we can hear you coming?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, we're always like this, aren't we?

Yes. Yes, we are.

Now listen, I understand you're feeling a bit chippy, but I honestly had no idea they were going to ask me to run the desk.

Oversee, Paul, not "run".

Oversee.

Whatever you say.

You know, I very nearly called you over Christmas.

I was going through a terrible divorce and I thought, if anybody knows how to get through this, it's Carolyn.

She's done it enough times.

Divorces are easy.

It's marriages that are impossibly hard.

Are you joining us?

No, no, no. I have to dash.

Lunch with the chief.

We're going to make a fabulous team.

And, Carolyn,

I'm so sorry about the whole office debacle.

They told me I had to take yours as it was closer to the department.

Paul, I don't even know where my office is.

Good luck with Diane.

I hear she's in a feisty mood.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Three clean-up operations, unauthorised.

The employment of former MI agents, unauthorised.

Safe-housing an FSB agent...

Unauthorised.

Former agent, Hugo Turner, who is currently, suing MI for injuries incurred during your operation in Rome, also unauthorised.

£ . , unpaid lunches at the canteen.

And that's to say nothing of Polastri's fate.

Well, Carolyn, what on earth do you have to say for yourself?

[SIGHS]

[MACHINE BEEPING]

[WOMAN SPEAKING KOREAN]

[ITEMS CLATTER]

[CAR HORN HONKING]

Hey, watch it!

Screw you.

We have been watching you since Rome.

You know that, don't you?

You're not easy to replace.

You should see some of the cretins they send for me to train.

If you did ever want back in, I can get you more of everything.

Money, travel, apartment.

All better than you've ever had.

You're so talented.

You're the best I ever trained.

- You're destined for greatness.
- "Destined for greatness."

- It's true.
- [MOCKING]

You have brilliant career ahead of you, Oksana...

Do you think I'm stupid?

Do you think I'm stupid?

I'm still champion.

Best out of three.

[GRUNTS]

Kopveska?

- I get them imported to...
- Yeah!

Hey, that is cheating.

[CHUCKLING]

So...

If I do ever want to come back, and you give me all this amazing stuff...

What's in it for you?

Hmm?

Knowing my most talented student is doing work of her destiny.

Uh-uh.

I repeat...

What is in it for you?

If I get you back and working well... they will send me home, to Russia.

Whatever you want, I will do it.

I will get you anything.

Just tell me.

Trust me.

Power is there for the taking, Oksana.

You just have to be smart about how.

Slowly, slowly, catch a monkey.

A Keeper.

I want to be a Keeper.

A Keeper is big.

Higher than Konstantin, it's higher than me.

You said what I wanted, that's what I want.

Ah-ha. Okay, okay.

- [CHUCKLES]
- We... We can work with this.

- Right?
- Yeah, we can work with this.

[MOCKINGLY] She wants to be Keeper.

"Oksana, the Keeper."

Oksana wants to be Keeper.

- Oksana, the Keeper.
- [VILLANELLE CHUCKLES]

I will go to them tomorrow and I will say she wants...

"Villanelle."

You call me Villanelle.

Okay. Okay. Villanelle.

[BOTH WHEEZE AND LAUGH]

[WHISTLING]

- Are you all right?
- Ow!

No, I'm not.

Some bastard's been stealing my Tangfastics again.

Better call in the troops.

Well, you joke, but theft is theft, my friend.

Tangfastics today, data tomorrow.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Pop quiz tonight?

Erm, I can't this evening.

But we need you for all the football questions.

I'm meeting someone.

A friend.

And I'm not the only one who knows about football.

You have friends?

Ha.

You realise to fit in here, you have to be socially inept like the rest of us.

Oh, I'm that too. Don't worry.

So, who's the friend?

It's erm... It's nothing, really.

BEAR: You know, a normal person would flake on their friend when something better turns up.

Well, remind me not to rely on you for anything.

I liked your piece on evasive jellyfish migration, by the way.

Thanks. I liked yours.

Oh, wait, you haven't written anything, have you?

I'm working on it.

JAMIE: [SHOUTING] I don't care!

No, you promised us...

You said he doesn't push it if it's not ready, right?

I said that about me.

Look, I could help you, if you tell me what it's about.

I don't really know yet.

Okay, then.

Unbelievable!

I will find you.

[TYPING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SPEAKING KOREAN]

[SPEAKING KOREAN]

[SPEAKING KOREAN]

I like the kitchen.

I like the kitchen.

Okay.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

[METAL SQUEAKING]

[MOBILE RINGING]

[SECOND MOBILE RINGING]

[THIRD MOBILE RINGING]

[MOBILE BEEPING]

I'll take this.

[SECOND MOBILE RINGING]

This is sweet.

- Are you visiting?
- Yes.

No. This is for my daughter.

She likes London, does she?

She hates everything about it.

That's why I'm sending it. [LAUGHS]

One and two, and stretch your legs!

And finish!

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[GRUNTS]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Are you crying? Don't be a wimp.

[WHISPERING] When you really, really want to piss her off, you say, "Russia is a corrupt state, clinging to the shadows of its Soviet glory."

You see this woman? She was useless just like you, but I showed her how to be strong.

- And fight dirty.
- Yes.

Fight dirty, but listen to Dasha.

Now piss off.

And tomorrow, I want you on fire.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

I scared the sh*t out of them.

Really?

They're open to it.

That doesn't sound like a yes.

They'll promote you with full benefits, but first you have to show them you're up to the job.

No. That's not what I asked for.

DASHA: It's a process.

Nothing good comes fast. You know that.

- Slowly, slowly...
- Enough with the monkey!

A good solid job, nice, political agitator... and local, too.

Plus, big, fat, welcome-home bonus.

Have fun with it.

Your work was always so inventive and fresh.

Almost as good as mine.

Better than yours.

- Hmm?
- Hmm.

You know they still study my kills, for their brilliance?

My work remains totally untouchable...

Because it's out of date.

Do you want this job or not?

[SPEAKING KOREAN]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [SIRENS WAILING]
- [TV PLAYING]

- [GLASS CLANKS]
- EVE: sh*t.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

[CHUCKLES]

[MESSAGE BEEPS]

[LAUGHS]

VOICEMAIL: First message.

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

VOICEMAIL: Second message.

IRINA: Dad, you need to come home now.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Mum's driving me crazy

and her sack of sh*t boyfriend is...

Delivery?

... a total d*ck.

And I need you to come back and get me.

Why are you still in that damp dump of a country anyway?

You said you'd be back in a few weeks, but it's been...

[BOTH SCREAM]

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. You texted me.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

It didn't make a lot of sense.

Something about "loo paper, beer"?

Oh. Oh, God.

I was a bit worried if I'm honest, so I tracked your phone.

You know, you really shouldn't leave your front door open, considering the amount of people that have tried to k*ll you.

[GROANS]

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

I'm really, really sorry

- about what went down.
- No, no, no.

- Let me say it.
- It's really best if you didn't.

- I prefer things...
- Buried.

Exactly.

Well, that's very... British.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

I went to see you, after they transported you

- from the hospital in Rome.
- Really?

But they weren't allowing visitors and I felt a bit, erm...

Lucky those tourists found you when they did.

You missing MI ?

Absolutely not.

- How is it?
- I have no idea. I quit.

I've started working at Bitter Pill.

You're a journalist?

"Open-source investigator" is the official title.

- No way.
- [CHUCKLES]

It's been decent, to be fair.

The site's good and they let me investigate what I want.

The guy who runs it is pretty cool.

Working for someone with integrity, it's...

Better than working for your mom.

Let's just say, different.

- You still in touch with...
- Oh, God. No.

I'm totally done with her.
Done with that.

End of story.

I was gonna say Niko.

Oh. Right.

Of course, I...

Yeah, we see each other every few days. He's...

- You know.
- Yeah, I heard.

And what about you?

Do you ever worry about The Twelve?

There are plenty of other people worrying about them.

But there's not.

MI shut everything down months ago.

Yeah, well, it's not my problem anymore.

- Yeah. Yeah, not our problem.
- Kenny, it's not.

- So I've been looking into them loads.
- No sh*t.

And I was looking at the financial trial again.

And the thing is, after Fat Panda

- and Frank, there were...
- Kenny...

I've seen some activity in their accounts that show...

Kenny, I'm serious. I am not going down that road again.

It almost k*lled me.

KENNY: You should come to the office after work for beers.

I'm there most evenings and weekends.

I think you could do with people, or something.

- You don't seem very, er...
- No, Kenny, I'm fine.

I know.

You just don't seem very happy. That's all.

Who says I want to be happy?

[CHUCKLES]

- Bye.
- Bye.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

[PAPER-CUTTER RATTLING]

[LADDER CREAKING]

[SCREAMS]

Ahhh! [GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[WOMAN GROANING]

Untouchable.

[RAIN PATTERING]

CAROLYN: [SINGING]
♪ ... one another... ♪

♪ And between us ♪

♪ We have one... ♪

Kenny!

I thought you said you were going to sort all this before we packed.

I did.

Memories.

You see this, and you're transported

- to a time of happiness?
- Yes.

I'll sort it when I'm back.

Now, you are the one who persuaded me to make this move, so you can just pitch in.

The thing is, I've got some work stuff to do.

That website has you working at the weekend?

You had me working at the weekend.

That's because people get m*rder*d at the weekend.

- I'll see you when I'm back.
- As you wish.

It is as I wish, actually.

- CAROLYN: Right.
- That's why I'm not staying.

- I think I got that.
- All right, then.

Because I'm not gonna be told what to do any more.

Clearly.

Are you ever going to apologise?

I think I'm at a loss here.

You really don't think you did anything wrong at all, do you?

Your father chose our last house and to be honest, I never liked it.

But I lived there for years without complaint because I knew it made him happy.

Life is just a series of trade-offs, Kenny.

For all of us.

And my job is no different.

Now, you might disagree with my decisions, but I will never be able to apologise for them.

And I'd have thought that if anyone could understand that, it's you.

Now, do you want fish and chips for when you come back?

[MUMBLES] Okay.

- Battered sausage?
- Yes, please.

Right.

And it's not a website.
It's an online publication.

Oh, very good!

NURSE: How are you feeling today?

- He's in the garden.
- Thank you.

I brought you these.

I ate the green ones for you.

Thanks.

They exchanged on the house.

I've got some stuff for you to sign.

- Just here.
- I know. Eve...

I'm not an idiot.

We are going to get through this.

You have to know that.

It's one day at a time, and you are getting better with every day...

This isn't something you can fix, Eve.

Her parents think she k*lled herself, you know that?

Also, MI bloody six can wash their hands...

It's better if her family don't know.

Better for who?

Our entire relationship has had you...

- at the centre of it.
- Well, I never wanted that...

Well, you didn't do much to change it, did you?

And if we're being honest, we'd both admit that I deserve more... a bit more than that.

And more than you.

[NIKO SIGHS]

[ROCK SONG PLAYING IN HEADPHONES]

[MAN SPEAKING KOREAN]

She's lying. Okay?

She was lying when she had work the next day.

She was lying when saw her mom.

She was lying when she had the flu.

He knows it.

I know it.

You know it.

You're not even crying because of her.

You're crying because... because you feel stupid.

Because you were stupid.

Hey.

Hey, these drinks don't involve games, or organised fun, do they?

Erm, it's pretty chill.

[SIGHS] Chilled works.

KENNY: Okay, I'll get the...

[ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS]

Hello?

[THUDDING]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hello?

Kenny?

Hello?

[MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES]

KENNY ON VOICEMAIL: Hi.
This is Kenny. Leave a message.

EVE: Hey. Erm, I'm here.

Oh, I think I have your phone.

Where are you?

[THUDS]

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

[GASPS]

[ALARMS BLARING]

[EVE PANTING]