04x17 - Chapter Seventy-Four: Wicked Little Town

[bunniefuu]

[JUGHEAD] It was over,

the evils of Stonewall Prep had been vanquished,

and life in Riverdale more or less picked up where it had left off.

But at its heart, Riverdale was and is, "A wicked little town".

So no one was surprised

when a third round of sinister video tapes

was delivered to our doorsteps.

♪ You know the sun is in your eyes ♪

♪ And hurricanes and rains ♪

♪ And black and cloudy skies ♪

♪ You're running up and down that hill ♪

♪ You turn it on and off at will ♪

♪ There's nothing here to thrill or bring you down ♪

♪ And if you've got no other choice ♪

♪ You know you can follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town ♪

♪ The fates are vicious and they're cruel ♪

♪ You learn too late you've used two wishes like a fool ♪

♪ The pious, hateful and devout ♪

♪ You're turning tricks 'til you're turned out ♪

♪ The wind so cold, it burns, you're burning out, blowing round ♪

♪ And then you're someone you are not ♪

♪ And Riverdale, it ain't the spot ♪

♪ Remember Mrs. Lot and when she turned around ♪

♪ And if you've got no other choice ♪

♪ You know you can follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town ♪

[JUGHEAD] No one slept much that night,

as they waited for a new day to dawn.

Daddy.

You've a doctor's appointment, don't you?

Which I'll go to, as soon as I finish my coffee.

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTS] Little help.

Little help.

- Holy crap, Mr. Lodge.
- Thanks, Archie.

- [HIRAM EXHALES DEEPLY]
- Maybe you should ease up.

You know, considering your condition.

The hell you talking about?

[SIGHS] Veronica told me, that you're... sick.

Well, clearly my daughter's confused 'cause I'm perfectly healthy.

But if she's concerned for some unfounded reason, then you'll agree that she doesn't need to know about this.

- Mr. Lodge, look if you need help...
- What I need is privacy.

This is not your business, nor hers, frankly.

Do we understand each other, Archie?

Yes, sir, we do.

Take the plate off.

So, I talked to all your teachers and we figured out a way

- for you to catch up on all of your classes.
- [THUDS]

Phew! That's not daunting at all.

- There's an index.
- Mmm-hmm, and it's color coded.

Red is for American history.

You missed the mid-term, so you can catch up by writing an essay on either the Trail of Tears or the Salem witch trials.

- Salem witch trails, definitely.
- Mmm-hmm.

Blue, English. You can choose amongst,

Steinbeck's The Pearl, Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea, and London's The Call of the Wild, for your book report.

- [SIGHS]
- What, you've already read all three of them.

No, I know, it's just, writing a book report, now I know, how Sisyphus must have felt.

Given how far behind I am on literally every topic, is it even worth trying to catch up at this point?

Look. I know this is a lot.

It's a lot of work, but it's only for a couple of months.

Just to make sure that you graduate. With me.

What is more important than that?

Jughead. What a surprise.
What do you need?

Something to stimulate my brain as I plow through this pile of work that Betty's lined up for me.

I was thinking in between writing these mind-numbing essays

I could help you review the latest round of videotapes from our mysterious voyeur.

Absolutely, I could use some help scrubbing through the footage.

The voyeur's stepping up his or her game.

Coming to more and more houses.

I don't ever want to see what would happen if he found his way inside a house.

Thank you. Oh. Uh...

One more thing, if you could keep my moon-lighting on the DL.

You mean from Betty?

How about this?
I won't bring it up to her, unless she asks me directly.

Thank you.

Here you go, Principal Honey, another list of sign-ups for the variety show.

Mmm. Well, I've reviewed the acts submitted so far.

They mostly seem fine.

With one exception. Yours.

I'm sorry, but you won't be allowed to do a number from Hedwig and the Angry Inch.
That show is...

It's not appropriate for students and families.

It was on Broadway.

- There's a movie version of it.
- An R-rated movie version.

Look, why don't you do a number from a classical musical like Oklahoma! or Carousel.

Instead of some niche-downtown cabaret show that would be more appropriate for pre-n*zi Berlin.

Hedwig is not a niche show.

It celebrates identities, genders, expressions of all kinds and it speaks to my entire generation.

We are relentlessly slammed with crisis after crisis.

And we take it, and we're numb. Yes.

But also screaming on the inside.

Please just... Just listen to us.

We're people, not numbers.

We're Generation Z.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ All our feelings and thoughts ♪

♪ Expressed in ones and in oughts ♪

♪ In endless spiraling chains ♪

♪ You can't decode or explain ♪

♪ 'Cause you are so analog ♪

♪ God dog I eye I God dog ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number generated we are ♪

♪ Random numbers ♪

♪ In the regime of the solid state ♪

♪ Wheels spin as you iterate ♪

♪ K is X squared minus one ♪

♪ But . ♪

♪ When X is taken times two ♪

♪ That's when we're coming for you ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number generated we are ♪

♪ Hey here we are ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ We're the random number ♪

♪ Generation we are ♪

♪ Random number generated we are ♪

♪ Random number ♪

[BELL RINGING]

[PANTING]

You see the music of Hedwig

- is the perfect fit for...
- Mr. Keller, you can either pick a different song, or recuse yourself from the variety show and all your attendant duties.
Effective immediately.

[PLAYING ROCK TUNE]

[POWER SHUTS OFF]

Damn it.

Late breaking news, I am now singing

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning, from Oklahoma! for the variety show.

What happened to Hedwig?

Honey nixed it.

- Said it was too controversial.
- [SIGHS]

Kevin, if you wanna do Hedwig, you should do Hedwig.

He'd yank me off stage before the first note.

Hell, I don't even think you should wait for the variety show.

I think you should go rogue.

Go rogue, in what way?

Okay.

So, you know I support you.

And, I think you're an amazing writer, Jug, but this feels a little... phoned in. I mean there's typos and incomplete sentences and I'm not even sure what the thesis is.

[SIGHS]

Yeah. Okay.

Maybe, I'll go offline.

Hole myself up in the bunker after school and really focus on it.

Play Thomas Pynchon for a while.

[BELL RINGING]

[VERONICA] Oh, he comes bearing gifts.

And some news.

I know this seems a little last minute, but, uh...

I signed us up for the variety show.

- To perform as a band.
- Well, obviously, I'm completely in.

You know I support you kids in your rock-and-roll, but I really have to finish these essays, or else my girlfriend over there is gonna lock me in the stocks.

It's true, Jug has a lot of work to do.

But I think, you can take a little time out, for this.

I mean, look, it's senior year, we promised we were gonna start taking advantage of that.

Agreed.

- Does this band have a name?
- Mmm.

Uh, it's The Archies.

What, was the Me-Me-Me's taken?

- We can change the name.
- [VERONICA] No. The Archies.

- I like it.
- [KEVIN OVER SPEAKER] What's up, Riverdale?

Are you trying to tear me down?

That's, wait. That's not...

Well, sorry, I'm the new Berlin Wall, baby.

Now, get your asses to the music room.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ I was born on the other side ♪

♪ Of a town ripped in two ♪

♪ I made it over the great divide ♪

♪ Now I'm coming for you ♪

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪

♪ They try and tear me down ♪

♪ You want me baby I dare you ♪

♪ Try and tear me down ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

♪ There ain't much of a difference ♪

♪ Between a bridge and a wall ♪

♪ Without me right in the middle, babe ♪

♪ Whoa, you would be nothing at all ♪

♪ Enemies and adversaries ♪

♪ They try to tear me down ♪

♪ You want me, baby I dare you ♪

♪ Try and tear me down ♪

♪ From East Berlin to Junction City ♪

Hello, Mr. Honey. Hello, Riverdale.

You wanna try and tear me down?

You're done, Mr. Keller, you're off the variety show.

♪ Come on and tear ♪

♪ Come on and tear me ♪

♪ Down ♪

[ALL CHEERING]

I said, "you're done". You hear me?

You're done!

- [BETTY] Okay, I'm gonna try it.
- [VERONICA LAUGHING]

- [ALL] Whoa.
- Okay.

- Can we please order pizza from Little Cicero's?
- Ugh!

Guys, it is not a sleepover without greasy pizza, right, Kev?

Kev?

Sorry, it's just...

Working on the variety show made me feel like,

I was reconnecting with the old, pre-farm Kevin.

Mr. Honey didn't just take that away, he made me feel like I was nothing.

Like I didn't matter.

[SIGHS]

You know something that makes me feel better?

♪ On nights ♪

♪ Like this ♪

♪ When the world's a bit amiss ♪

♪ And the lights go down ♪

♪ Across the trailer park ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Turn on the tape deck ♪

♪ And put the wig back on my head ♪

Oh.

♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Midwest midnight checkout queen ♪

♪ Until I head home ♪

♪ And I put myself to bed ♪

I hear what you're saying, Betty, but I'm not sure even a makeover montage will help.

♪ I look back on where I'm from ♪

♪ Look at the woman I've become ♪

♪ And the strangest thing's ♪

♪ Suddenly routine ♪

♪ I look up from my Vermouth on the rocks ♪

♪ The gift wrapped wig still in the box ♪

♪ Of towering velveteen ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Some LaVern Baker ♪

♪ And pull the wig down from the shelf ♪

- [VOCALIZING]
- ♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Beehive ♪

♪ Until I wake up ♪

♪ And I turn back to myself ♪

♪ Some girls they have natural ease ♪

♪ They wear it any way they please ♪

♪ With their French flip curls and perfumed magazines ♪

♪ Wear it up, let it down ♪

♪ This is the best way that I've found ♪

♪ To be the best you've ever seen ♪

♪ I put on some make-up ♪

♪ Turn on the eight-track ♪

♪ I'm pulling the wig down from the shelf ♪

♪ Suddenly I'm Miss Farrah Fawcett from TV ♪

♪ Until I wake up ♪

♪ And I turn back to myself ♪

♪ Shag, bi-level Bob Dorothy Hamill do ♪

♪ Sausage curl, chicken wings it's all because of you ♪

♪ It's all because of you it's all because of you ♪

[ALL LAUGHING]

Oh, my...

- [SIGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

- Hey, Kev?
- Yeah.

What if for the variety show, we all performed songs from Hedwig.

Yeah. As a sign of solidarity.

And as President of the Student Body and Riverdale High's LGBTQIA Alliance,

I promise you, I will sit down with Principal Humbug and make this right.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

On behalf of Kevin Keller and the entire Student Body we urge you to hear our plea.

Hedwig is not some fringe, down-b*at musical.

It's fun. It's an old-fashioned, red-blooded,

American musical comedy with something for everyone.

Including those of us, who are more... straight-laced.

Allow us to demonstrate.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ I've got a sweet tooth ♪

♪ For licorice drops and jelly roll ♪

♪ Hey, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Cheryl needs some sugar in her bowl ♪

♪ I'll lay out fine china on the linen

♪ Polish up the chrome ♪

♪ If you've got some sugar for me ♪

♪ Sugar daddy bring it home ♪

♪ Black strap molasses ♪

♪ You're my cherry blossom honey bear ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, sugar daddy ♪

♪ Bring me Versace blue jeans ♪

♪ Black designer underwear ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, sugar daddy ♪

♪ We'll dress up like the disco-dancing jet set In Milan and Rome ♪

♪ If you got some sugar for me ♪

♪ Sugar daddy, bring it home ♪

That's enough, Ms. Blossom.

♪ Oh, the thrill of control ♪

♪ Like the Blitzkrieg on the roll ♪

♪ It's the sweetest taste I've known, oh yeah ♪

♪ So if you've got some sugar bring it home, oh yeah ♪

♪ Come on, sugar daddy bring it home ♪

What? No applause?

You just proved my point.

Did you listen to the lyrics you just sang?

Hedwig and The Angry Inch is highly sexualized.

[SCOFFS] How q*eer-phobic of you.

And if every student of Riverdale High changed their variety show act to a number from Hedwig, what would you do then?

Hmm. Well, Ms. Topaz,

I would make the following announcement, "Any student who performs a song from Hedwig will be barred from Senior Prom".

Now...

As you like to say, Ms. Blossom...

Toodles.

[PHONE BUZZING]

[PHONE CONTINUES BUZZING]

[ARCHIE] So what happened exactly?

Daddy is downplaying it.

He says he missed a step and stumbled.

But, it's still scary and confusing.

He's been going to the doctor, he just told us.

He was getting better.

Ronnie, I don't want you to worry.

[SIGHS] But your dad's been working out at the gym.

Okay.

He was bench pressing and the bar slipped.

Luckily, I was there to catch it, but...

I don't think, he's been going to the doctor as regularly as he says.

And, you haven't told me this before, why?

Well, he said it was nothing, and when Iron Lodge asks you to shut your mouth and mind your own business, you mind your own business.

No, no, you drag him to the car, and you drive him to the doctor yourself.

- That wasn't an option, Ronnie.
- So, you do nothing instead?

This is my life, Archie, my father's life.

How could you be so short-sighted?

[BETTY] Jughead!

I came to surprise you, with a study break.

Tell me, this is not what it looks like.

- It's not.
- Oh, so you're not lying to me, about doing your homework.

While you try to cr*ck some new unsolvable mystery.

- I'm doing both.
- I went to the mat for you.

With Mr. Honey and with all of your teachers.

I didn't ask you to do that.

I'm trying to make sure that you graduate, Jug.

I'm trying to make sure that we stay together, that we have a future.

[SCOFFS] I'm sorry, in what future are we not together?

I'm going to New Haven in a few months, Jug, that is happening.

- Where are you going to be?
- I thought I'd be your dorm husband, just eating pizza while you studied Criminal Psych.

Yeah, well, I would rather that than this dead-end Jughead.

Oh, the Jughead that was brained with a rock?

I'm sorry I'm different now,

I guess death just changes a person.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Inside I'm hollowed out ♪

♪ Outside's a paper shroud and all the rest's illusion ♪

♪ That there's a will and soul ♪

♪ That we can wrest control from chaos and confusion ♪

♪ A collage I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage I'm all sewn up ♪

How do you think I feel?

♪ A random pattern with a needle and thread ♪

♪ The overlapping way diseases are spread ♪

♪ To a tornado body with a hand grenade head ♪

♪ And the legs are two lovers entwined ♪

- I was trying to do the right thing.
- You weren't thinking, Archie.

Give me a break, Veronica.
It's been a crappy year.

♪ Oh, God, I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A hardened razor-cut scar-map across my body ♪

♪ And you can trace the lines ♪

♪ Through misery's design that map across my body ♪

♪ A collage I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ The automatist's undoin' ♪

♪ The whole world starts unscrewin' ♪

♪ As time collapses and space warps, oh ♪

♪ You see decay and ruin ♪

♪ I tell you, no, no, no, no ♪

♪ You make such an exquisite corpse ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ A collage I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ A montage I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ I'm all sewn up ♪

♪ I'm all sewn up ♪

[DOOR SLAMS]

Principal Honey, I need to alert you to a situation that's taking place in the hallway.

And the games begin.

Consider this a peaceful protest, Mr. Honey.

Though I will weaponize these babies if I have to.

Clearly, you are all... very passionate about what you're feeling.

But hotheads lead to unpredictability and anger.

v*olence.

So, I'm afraid... the most prudent action to take at this moment is to... cancel the variety show.

[ALL GASPING]

Hi, sorry, I'm late.

Betty, I forgot to text you guys that rehearsal's cancelled.

Oh...

I kinda screwed up with Veronica.

Well, Jughead and I just got in a fight, too, actually. so...

Damn it, I'm sorry.

This is not what I wanted this week to be.

I wanted us to have fun.

When was the last time that happened?

That time we ordered sea monkeys, from the back of the coven book was fun.

- Yeah, we peaked in the first grade.
- Yeah.

When I saw that sign-up sheet,

I flashback to sophomore year.

I was on the stage, freezing up from stage fright,

until I saw my dad.

And suddenly, I could just... play.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] He gave me the biggest hug afterwards.

He was so proud of you.

He was always so happy whenever you played.

Look, just because Veronica and Jughead aren't here, doesn't mean we can't rehearse.

[ARCHIE] All right.

[GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ When the Earth was still flat ♪

♪ And clouds made of fire ♪

♪ And mountains stretched up to the sky ♪

♪ Sometimes higher ♪

♪ Folks roamed the Earth like big rolling kegs ♪

♪ They had two sets of arms they had two sets of legs ♪

♪ They had two faces peering out of one giant head ♪

♪ So they could watch all around them ♪

♪ As they talked while they read ♪

♪ And they never knew nothing of love ♪

♪ It was before ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ Last time I saw you ♪

♪ We just split in two ♪

♪ You were looking at me I was looking at you ♪

♪ You had a way so familiar ♪

♪ I could not recognize 'cause you had blood on your face ♪

♪ And I had blood in my eyes ♪

♪ And the children of the moon look like a fork stuck on a spoon ♪

♪ They were part sun part earth, part daughter part son ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ The origin of love ♪

♪ Now the Gods grew quite scared ♪

♪ Of our strength and defiance ♪

♪ And Thor said I'm gonna k*ll them all with my hammer ♪

♪ Like I k*lled the giants ♪

♪ And then he grabbed up some bolts ♪

♪ He let out a laugh said I'll split them right down the middle ♪

♪ Gonna cut them right up in half ♪

♪ And the storm clouds gathered above ♪

♪ Into great balls of fire ♪

♪ And then fire sh*t down from the sky in bolts ♪

♪ Like shining blades of a Kn*fe ♪

♪ And it ripped right through the flesh ♪

♪ Of the children of the Sun and the Moon and the Earth ♪

♪ And Osiris and the gods of the Nile ♪

♪ Gathered up a big storm ♪

♪ To blow a hurricane ♪

♪ To scatter us away ♪

♪ In a flood of wind and rain ♪

♪ A sea of tidal waves ♪

♪ To wash us all away ♪

♪ And if we don't behave ♪

♪ They'll cut us down again ♪

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Hi.

One fully researched, thoroughly proofed, MLA formatted essay on the Salem witch trials.

I don't know what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

I do.

I'm sorry.

Jug.

It's okay.

No, it's not.

I shouldn't have been as ticked off as I was that you had faith in me.

- You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

Okay.

I really need to finish that essay on Call of the Wild.

But you can distract me any time you want.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Penny for your thoughts, handsome.

Hi.

I wanted to give you this, Archie.

It was too short-notice to get cupcakes from Magnolia, so these are from Pop's, but you deserve an official "Veronica Lodge I'm Sorry".

- You're sorry.
- I am.

I was... scared.

And lashing out, but at the wrong person.

The truth is, you didn't need to come clean to me but you did.

And thanks to that I got a doctor who said it was lucky he saw Daddy when he did.

Because it could have been much worse than a fall.

[SIGHS] So, thank you.

- Archiekins.
- Veronica, I...

So, more good news, though Honey cancelled the variety show at school,

Kevin called me with an amazing idea.

To host it at La Bonne Nuit.

So, me, you, Betty and Jughead we'll all get to perform together after all.

- Isn't that amazing?
- That's awesome.

"The show must go on", as they say.

Even in our wicked, little town.

[SIGHS]

♪ Forgive me for I did not know ♪

♪ 'Cause I was just a boy ♪

♪ And you were so much more ♪

♪ And when everything starts breaking down ♪

♪ You take the pieces off the ground ♪

♪ And show this wicked town ♪

♪ Something beautiful and new ♪

♪ And there's no mystical design ♪

♪ No cosmic lover preassigned ♪

♪ There's nothing you can find ♪

♪ That cannot be found ♪

♪ 'Cause, with all the changes we've been through ♪

♪ It seems the stranger's always you ♪

♪ Alone again in some new wicked little town ♪

♪ When you've got no other choice ♪

♪ You know you can follow my voice ♪

♪ Through the dark turns and noise ♪

♪ Of this wicked little town ♪

♪ Oh, it's a wicked ♪

♪ Little town ♪

♪ Goodbye wicked ♪

♪ Little town ♪

- [CROWD APPLAUDING]

Ladies and gentlemen, for our final performance of the evening.

I am beyond honored to introduce, for the first time ever, The Archies.

[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

♪ Rain falls hard ♪

♪ Burns dry ♪

♪ A dream or a song ♪

♪ That hits you so hard ♪

♪ It's filling you up ♪

♪ And suddenly you're gone ♪

♪ Breathe, feel, love ♪

♪ Give free ♪

♪ Know in your soul ♪

♪ Like your blood knows the way ♪

♪ From your heart to your brain ♪

♪ Know that you're whole ♪

♪ And you're shining ♪

♪ Like the brightest star ♪

♪ A transmission ♪

♪ On the midnight radio ♪

♪ Here's to Ronnie ♪

♪ And Archie ♪

♪ And Betty ♪

♪ And Jughead ♪

♪ And Choni ♪

♪ And Reggie ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ And all the strange rock and rollers ♪

♪ You know you're doing all right ♪

♪ So hold on to each other ♪

♪ You gotta hold on tonight ♪

♪ And you're shining like the brightest star ♪

♪ A transmission on the midnight radio ♪

♪ And you're spinning your new s ♪

♪ With all the misfits and the losers ♪

♪ Well, you know you're rock and rollers ♪

♪ Spinning to ♪

♪ Your rock and roll ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands... ♪

[JUGHEAD] There's a problem that comes

once you get caught up on your homework.

Your mind wanders, and evil creeps back in.

Was the voyeur somewhere amongst us in the crowd,

playing his long game?

Turning the temperature up?

Ever so slowly?

So, that by the time we frogs realized

we were being boiled alive, it was too late.

[PANTING]

[WHACKING CONTINUES]

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

♪ Lift up your hands ♪

[CROWD APPLAUDING]