10x18 - Tappy Tappy Tappy Tap Tap Tap

[bunniefuu]

GENE: I don't want to toot my own horn but... (flatulence)

- Oh, Gene.
- Gene.

- GENE: Mm-hmm.
- (entry bells jingle)

Okay, I'm leaving for Josh's tap recital rehearsal.

The big tap dress rehearsal. Fun.

You're going from Gene Smelly to Gene Kelly.

Yeah, I guess.

You don't sound very excited, Tina.

I just can't figure out why Josh invited me.

Does he like me? Is he trying to tap his way back into my heart?

What the hell is going on?

What if he does like you?

Is that a bad thing?

Well, it's just that Jimmy Jr. and I are

- in a good place right now.
- Since when?

Since I saw him in the hallway and he said, "What's up?"

And I said, "My thumb," and I gave him a thumbs-up.

And he kind of laughed a little, and in that moment, our souls touched.

- Nasty.
- Anyway, if Josh is trying to tap me off my feet, it's not gonna happen, at least not now.

(sighs) I've got to figure out how to let him down easy on his big day.

You get to skip work to go to a dumb recital?

(gasps) I forgot. I have to go to Rudy's...

- ballet fight.
- No.

Okay, I better get going.

(groans)

Bye. (continues groaning)

- All right, bye.
- See ya. - Bye.

"Better Cauliflower Saul Burger."

Eh. B-minus, at best.

W-Wait, what's wrong with it?

I mean, cauliflower. Isn't it obvious?

Well, first of all, cauliflower is delicious.

Maybe a little under-appreciated in some less-sophisticated circles.

Watch it.

And secondly, shush. Go do work.

Too bad I'm not wearing the apron around here.

I wouldn't be demeaning perfectly good burgers with cauliflower.

You want to wear the apron?

You can wear the apron.

- Is it washed?
- You know it's not.

What would I do once I have the dirty apron on?

You could try to make a burger of the day.

I'm in. I mean, I'm not gonna wear the dirty apron,

- but let's do it.
- What?

Gene doesn't have to work?

He doesn't have to marry ketchups and wipe menus and whatever godforsaken crap you're gonna make us do out here?

Yeah, I guess not.

- We gotta pick up this straw wrapper.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, then, I would also like to take a swing

- at cooking, Father.
- You would?

Oh, yes. I'm very interested in making a delicious burger with my brother, Gene.

I love this family.

Go help Gene, and-and we'll see what you guys come up with.

- (Louise laughs)
- Oh, my God, Lin.

They're interested in cooking.

Eh, I'm pretty sure they're just trying to get out of work.

That may be what gets them back there, but once they try it, they're gonna be hooked.

♪ Burgers ♪

♪ Oh, the kids are cooking ♪

♪ Burgers ♪

♪ I can't believe that they're ♪

♪ Working together ♪

♪ This is everything ♪

♪ I've ever wanted. ♪

(belches) Sorry, what were you saying?

No-Nothing. I'm gonna go see how they're doing.

Hey, Tina, I'm glad you made it.

I'm tappy to see you.

Get it? 'Cause of, um, dance? Heh.

Oh, got it, got it, yeah. That's a good one.

Anyway, today's kind of a matinee/dress rehearsal for the big show tonight.

So I'm really excited to hear what you have to say about it.

I wanted you to be here more than anyone.

TINA: Yep, there it is.

Cool, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Sorry, that sounded intense. I-I just...

I want to know if I'm nailing my triple-time step.

And, you know, you always paid a lot of close attention to... my moves. Like, a lot.

TINA: Yeah, sure, that's the real reason

you want me here, you lovesick fool.

Okay. No problem.

You're taking, like, a long time to say things back to me.

TINA: Oh, crap, I got to stop doing this.

-Am I?
-I don't know. Maybe I'm nervous.

About performing and stuff. All right,

I better get going.
See you after the show.

Or, um, to say it in tap...

(vocalizing)

TINA: Oh, man, Josh totally wants to buy

a one-way ticket to Tina Town.

Letting him down easy is gonna be harder than I thought.

(sighs) This sucks.

Tell me about it. Tap? Yeesh.

Oh, hey, Douglas.

You're not in the show with Josh?

Obviously, because you're sitting out here.

So you're not a fan of tap, huh?

No. Tap dance sounds like someone throwing a bunch of pennies at a trash can.

I'm just here to support Josh.

Me, too. But it's pretty obvious that Josh wants me here as something more, like...
Oh, the show's starting.

Hello and welcome.

This semester we asked our students what type of dance they would like to focus on, and the answer was a resounding tap, tap, tap!

So without further ado, we present

Tappy Tappy Tappy Tap Tap Tap.

- ♪
♪
- (vocalizing)

Yikes.

(chopping)

- Listen to that.
- Listen to what... your bones creaking?

- Oh, you can hear that?
- Yeah.

God, I have to go to a doctor.
I-I was talking about the kids.

They're so focused on making burgers.

Did I die? Is this heaven?

Nah, 'cause I'm wearing a bra.

There's no way they make you wear a bra in heaven.

♪ Dicing olives, dicing olives ♪

♪ I like dicing olives. ♪

This is gonna be so good.

I bet dad will put it on the board.

It'll be the burger of the day. Maybe every day.

Yeah, right. That man and his precious chalkboard?

Good luck.

Dad, if this is really good, will you put it on the board?

Okay, yeah. If it's really good, sure.

- What?
- Thanks, bro.

And we can name it whatever we want?

BOB: Yeah, I mean, but nothing inappropriate.

Sure, sure, yeah, great. Bye.

- It's gonna be so inappropriate.
- Where was I? Oh, yeah.

- ♪ Dice, dice, dice, dice, dice, dice... ♪
- Wait, wait, wait.

If this is gonna have a sh*t of going on the board, we've got to lose the diced olives.

Sorry, but come on.

Wait, why? I like diced olives.

I like dice, I like olives. Together, mwah.

- Ugh, I'm making my own burger.
- What?

Hey, Dad, new plan.

We're gonna make two burgers.
You're gonna taste 'em.

Best one goes on the board, worst one gets stuffed in Mort's mail slot. Okay?

Say no, Bob. No competing.

We can't pit our kids against each other.

Oh, God, right.

Uh, can't you guys just work together in harmony?

Explore the joys of cooking as a team?

(laughing)

Good one. We're doing this.

- Oh, crap.
- Aw, nuts.

- ♪
♪
- (vocalizing)

TINA: Poor Josh and his big, beautiful, dumb smile.

He doesn't even know there's a truck about to hit him.

The Tina truck.

Ah...

(vocalizing)

TINA: Go up the damn stairs already.

- (grunts)
- (dancers gasp)

My knee!

- Oh, no!
- (gasps) That looked bad.

The fall, not the tap.
I mean, also the tap.

I hope he's okay.

Attention, everyone.

The show must not go on.

There's no way we can continue without Josh.

We have to tap out for now, and hopefully Josh will recover in time for tonight's show.

(sighs) Poor Josh.

How am I supposed to tell him the truth now?

First he hurts his knee, and now I have to hurt his heart?

How could that happen? Those stairs have a lock on them.

TINA: Maybe someone wanted it to happen.

Someone who's trying to sabotage Josh.

If someone did do this on purpose,

and I can figure out who it was,

Josh will be so grateful that he won't be crushed

when I tell him I only like him as a friend. Bam.

Come on, Douglas. Let's get on it.

- Wait. What?
- Oh, sorry.

We're gonna figure out who sabotaged Josh.

O... Kay.

TINA: Tina Belcher, you're a genius.

Find out who sabotaged Josh,

and letting him down easy will be... easy.

I don't know, guys. Sabotage?
To take my part tonight?

I think this was just a fluke.

No one would do this on purpose. Everyone loves me.

- Douglas said the stairs were locked in place.
- They were.

I set the lock myself.

So someone must have unlocked it.

- But who would do that?
- That's the question.

Who was it? Why did they do it?

And who the hell do they think they are?

I don't think we need to curse.

We need to find out who had access to those stairs during the show.

It's probably just the stagehands and the director.

Let's go. We're gonna find this son of a bitch.

- Ow.
- Sorry about the knee and sorry I cursed again.

BOB: Crap.

How are we gonna judge our kids?

We have two choices. We call it off...

Oh, Lin, I don't want to do that.

I love that they wanted to cook.

Or we say it's a tie. No matter what.

Like when Gayle wanted to know which was better, her boobs or her butt.

A tie, yes. That's definitely a good idea.

- Let's do that.
- Okay, that's what we'll do.

- (entry bells jingle)
- Oh, shh.

I guess you're right, Linda. Airplanes are neat.

Oh, hey, guys. Did you find all the ingredients you need upstairs?

I think so. I found a can of whoop-ass that I'm about to open on Gene.

They really make that?
Oh, you're trash talking.

Oh, please. I'm gonna wipe the floor with your buns.

One from your burger and one from your tushie.

(sighs) They're not gonna like tying.

Well, neither did Gayle, but she was damn confident in that mesh bikini.

- You're asking who had access to Fred?
- Who's Fred?

The stairs. Fred A. Stairs. We named the stairs.

That's fun. But, yeah, we're asking who had access to Fred.

Well, there's me and a couple of stagehands. Why?

Does Josh have a vice tapper? A tapper backup?

Do you mean understudy?

That doesn't sound right, but okay.

- All right.
- Could they have had access?

Uh, that would be Sawyer.

I-I'm not sure if he was back here.

- Hey, Sawyer?
- Yeah?

TINA: Suspect.

Gotcha. How could you do this to Josh,

- you cold-hearted bastard?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You couldn't get the part on your own, so you sabotage him?

That-that isn't...

The understudy gets called up to the big leagues. Is that it, Sawyer?

- My name's Roy.
- Yeah.

But you answered when I yelled Sawyer.

I thought you said "Roy Bird".

- Is your last name Bird?
- No.

So you just answer when people say "Roy Bird"?

This was the first time.
I won't do it again.

- Geez.
- That's Sawyer.

TINA: Suspect.

Admit it, Sawyer, you unlocked the stairs so Josh would get hurt and you'd have his part all to yourself.

Say it. Say it.

I'm not Josh's understudy.
That's Sawyer D.

- I-I'm Sawyer J.
- Well, then, I'm sorry.

And do you know where Sawyer D. is?

That's him over by the door.

TINA: Suspect.

Come on, Douglas. Let's go take the third degree up a notch... to, um, four degrees.

You know what? I think you got this.

I'm gonna go check on Josh.

Not that this isn't going really well.

You're right. You go check on our boy.

- I got this.
- Aah!

Son of a...

Oh, so that's how you're shaping your patty, all gross and dumb like that?

At least I'm not making a pity patty like you.

The trash talk's not letting up,

- so we're great parents.
- Yeah, yeah. Really great.

Okay. It's gonna be a tie, even though we both know

- the best burger's gonna be Louise's.
- Gene's

What? Louise?

- Yeah. You think Gene?
- Yeah.

- Side bet?
- Yeah.

Loser cleans the filter in the dishwasher?

We don't clean that, do we?

We should. It's been over years.

You should, 'cause you will, 'cause Louise is gonna lose.

- Gene is.
- Louise.

Still great parents.

(groaning)

The jig us up, Sawyer D.

- I know it was you.
- What was me?

You unlocked the stairs so Josh could get hurt and you'd get to perform.

- I didn't do that.
- Then why did you run from me?

Because I saw you yelling at the other stagehands, and you seem terrifying.

No, I'm not. I'm a gentle soul. Now, come here.

Even if I did do it, why would that mean that I would take Josh's role?

- Because you're the understudy.
- No, I'm not. That's Sawyer R.

I just pass out the top hats.

Damn it, how many friggin' Sawyers go to this school?

Six. Lost was really popular when we were born.

(sighs) Well, where is Sawyer R.?

Oh, he threw up earlier today, so he went home.

He drank aquarium water to impress a girl.

(laughs) He's the dumb Sawyer.

What? Then who else had a reason to hurt Josh?

I honestly wouldn't know.
Can we go back inside now?

(sighs) Yeah. Sorry.

I guess I better go find Douglas and tell him it wasn't you

- or any of the other Sawyers.
- Douglas?

You know, he auditioned for Josh's part.

He did? H-He said he hated tap.

Unless he's lying. Right, Sawyer D.?

I don't know. Please don't hurt me.

(grunting) It's locked.

(gasps) Douglas knew I was coming out here.

He knew I'd get locked out. It was Douglas.

- It was Douglas!
- (wails)

Shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

I'm so scared of you.

Of course it was Douglas.

He sabotaged Josh because he wanted that part.

It's revenge. And now he's in Josh's dressing room.

Probably trying to finish what he started. (grunting)

Sawy-dog, here's what's gonna happen: I'm gonna boost you up, you're gonna hop over the top of that fence, drop down like a cat and open the gate from the other side, like-like a person.

Wait, why am I the one doing that?

Damn it, Sawyer. You go to a performing arts school.

Pretend you're in a play called Sawyer Climbs a Fence.

I'm not ready for the spotlight.

- Do it!
- Okay!

(both grunting)

Okay, now just drop down and open the gate.

It's higher than it looks.
I think it's, like, feet.

Pretty sure it's not feet.
Just drop down, Soy-bean.

- I kind of like Sawy-Dog better.
- Earn it, then.

LINDA: Okay, so we'll tell them it's a tie, but then you and me will settle our thing.

- And I'm gonna win.
- I'm gonna win.

Oh, shh, shh. Here they come.

Okay, we will now be presenting the burgers,

- one great, one Louise's.
- Drum-roll, please.

Even though there is zero suspense.

(both babbling)

- I-I can't do a drum-roll.
- Dig in, take a bite, then switch.

- I love you both no matter what.
- My love is conditional.

Huh. Um... it's interesting.

LINDA: Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh. That is...

(grunts) Wow.

Okay, now switch.

- Hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Hmm.

That, um... That's, um...

That's also interesting.

And this is also... Wow.

Mm. Wow. Mm.

We will step away while you deliberate.

Dad, your hair looks very full today.

- Mother, yours, too.
- Mm. Thank you Gene. Mm.

Oops. I dropped a dollar.

That... Uh, that's a napkin with a "one" drawn on it.

But it could be for the two of you.

Oh, my God, these are awful.

I know... (retches)

Oh, I need water.

How can our kids mess up burgers this badly?

What's in this? Is that licorice or lipstick?

This one has gum, I think.
And it's my favorite part?

Should we put it in our will that no matter who gets the restaurant, Gene and Louise can never cook?

If we had a will, yes. But that would require a lawyer.

(sighs) Okay, let's just get this over with.

Kids?

This was the hardest thing that we've ever had to do.

(sighs) We tried to pick one, we did.

But both burgers were so good, we're calling it a tie.

- What?
- No way.

Mine was better. Did you get to the gum?

It's the surprise in the center.

Mm... Yeah. I'm still chewing it.

It's, like, a "lasting all day," uh, burger.

It was a really great idea.

So they both go on the board?
Is that what you're saying?

Well, technically, you tied, and the deal was the winner would go on the board, so...

(scoffs) This is bull-crap.

I know. Ugh, stupid rules.

Oh, my God, Sawyer D., you've been up there forever.

Just close your eyes and drop.

- That's your worst idea yet.
- Come on.

- We need to get back in there.
- Yeah, why is that?

Because if I solve the crime it'll take the sting out of me telling Josh that I only like him as a friend.

- What?
- Don't worry about it.

It's a good plan. Hey, uh...

Listen, those top hats need to be passed out tonight, and you're the only one who can do it.

Damn it, you're right. May God have mercy on my soul.

(screaming)

Oh. I'm alive.

- I'm alive!
- Great. Now open the gate.

- And then we can go our separate ways?
- Sure.

- I'll never forget you, Sawyer R.
- D.

Yep. D.

Josh!

(panting)

- Caught you knee-handed. (grunts)
- (screams)

- What the hell are you doing?
- What the hell are you doing?

Tina, Douglas was just keeping my leg elevated and icing my knee.

- He was?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I know. What-what did I say?

(weak chuckle)

What's with all the ruckus?

So you're not in here to finish the job on Josh's knee?

No. Why would you think that?

Well, for starters, you knew I was chasing the wrong Sawyer, and-and you knew I would get locked out and have to stop looking for who hurt Josh.

I didn't know any of that.

- You have a lot of energy right now.
- Yeah.

- You do.
- So why didn't you come with me?

I told you, I came back to check on Josh.

And just in time. My first ice pack was getting all melty.

Okay, but what about this?

Why did you tell me you hated tap dance when you tried out for Josh's role?

(gasps) Oh! You said you hated tap?

You tried out for my role?

I only tried out because my dad made me.

He's crazy about tap.

He took all of the rugs out of our house.

He once put taps on my ballet shoes.

(groans) I hate tap. I hate it.

I mean, it looks great when you do it.

Aw, thanks, pal.

Wait a minute, if it was anyone, it was probably Ms. Morris.

- (gasps)
- TINA: Suspect.

Me? Why?

Maybe you wanted to fill in for Josh.

Have one more moment in the sun.

If that was my plan, wouldn't I have done that?

I called off the show.

Right. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

But I could've.

(vocalizing)

- Okay. The search continues.
- I'm telling you, Tina,

I think it was just a freak accident.

I unlocked the stairs, I moved them six inches over to the right, to make it easier for me to look back and sh**t a finger g*n at the audience...

(imitates g*nshots)...
And then I locked them.

I heard the lock click when I stepped down on it.

And that was right before the show.

So there was, like, maybe a -second window for someone to sneak over and unlock the stairs, which I just don't think is possible.

Oh. Oh, wow. I think I know who did it.

Everyone, follow me.

(whispers): Who is she?

There's no shame in tying, you know.

You two are cowards.
You have to pick a winner and the winner has to go on the board.

- Would it help if you took another bite?
- No! Uh, no.

No, no. Uh,
I-I don't think that would help.

- I'm so full. So full.
- Yeah. Same here.

Teddy. Thank God you're here.

You don't know how long I've been waiting

- to hear someone say that.
- Step right up to the counter.

We have two burgers for you to taste.

One made by me, one by Louise.

You'll be deciding which one becomes the burger of the day.

- Eh, I like the sound of that.
- Okay, Teddy, but uh,

- I-I'm sure you will agree it's a tie.
- This is exciting.

- Uh, yeah, but...
- Oh, God. - Start with the winner.

Oh, my God. This is terrible.
What did you do to this?

- Um, uh, uh...
- Ha!

- (moaning)
- Teddy, dial it back.

Your palate is a sick joke.

Give me the other one, quick. (groans)

I got to get this taste out of my mouth.

(shouts) Oh.

It's as bad as the first one.

Ha to you, Gene.

Give me back my son. My burger son.

Ugh, it's like poison. Both of them.

How-how could you kids do this to your father's delicious meat?

Ha, ha, ha. Good jokes, Teddy.

Of course you're joking, because they're both so delicious.

- Right?
- What? No. They're gross.

Yeah, Teddy. And-And wouldn't you say that both of our children's burgers are equally good and it's impossible to say who won?

- So it's a tie?
- What? No. Uh...

- Oh. Right.
- Right.

Uh, April Fools'. Uh, for next year. Got you.

Oh. Ha. You did get me.

- Good one.
- I almost believed you.

Yep. You should've seen your faces.

Well, eat up. It's all yours.

- Oh, great.
- Oh, Teddy, you poor thing.

You can finish mine, too. Enjoy.

Oh. Mmm.

(gags) They're both very good.

Mmm. Way better than anything Bob ever made.

Teddy, uh... You don't have to eat more, if you don't...

Both are better than our dad's?

Oh, yeah. (gags)

By a mile.

Okay, the verdict's in. Teddy's smart, Mom and Dad are dumb.

We're opening a restaurant with Teddy.

And also, diced olives and licorice pair really well.

Okay, you guys probably have some cleanup to do.

Oh, yeah. We destroyed the place.

You want us to go pretend to clean?

- Yes, please.
- On it.

Oh, Teddy, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

- Are your hands shaking?
- Uh, a little bit.

- That was traumatic.
- You did good.

- No, that was nice.
- Yeah?

But listen, if you had to pick one, which one was better?

Yeah, yeah. We ha-we have a side bet going.

You want me to pick between you guys now?

Oh, God, this is like Gayle with her boobs and her butt.

- You have to do it, Teddy.
- Teddy, do it.

- Teddy, do it.
- Uh... I-It's a tie.

- BOTH: No ties.
- Aah!

Okay, Josh, show us exactly how you locked the wheels on Fred A. Stairs.

(chuckles) O-Okay, Tina.

- I locked the stairs like this.
- (clicks)

- Is that the click you heard?
- Mm-hmm.

What the... ? I heard a click.

Didn't you all just hear a click?

Of course we heard a click, Josh. You're wearing tap shoes.

There's a stunned silence. She did it.

She figured it out.

- I don't get it.
- The shoes?

They make a clicking sound?

Like, how they're supposed to?

You thought it was the lock?

Oh!

I got it. Tap.

Well, I'm glad no one's trying to sabotage you, Josh.

I'm gonna go do my job instead of this.

And now that my good name has been cleared, Tina...

- Sorry.
- I'm gonna get going, too.

- Break a leg tonight, Josh.
- Wait, is that a thr*at?

No, no, it's what you say in theater. Sorry, sorry.

(sighs)

Josh, you're probably feeling pretty good right now, since no one was sabotaging you, so if you heard some bad news, it wouldn't be a big deal?

Huh? What?

There-there's something I have to tell you.

I have to tell you something, too.

BOTH: I only like you as a friend.

What? We keep saying the same thing at the same time.

- Koala bear. North Carolina.
- How much longer is this...

- Roller skates.
- Oh, okay. We're done.

(sighs) What a relief. I thought you invited me here because you liked me as more than a friend.

And then you said I was the one you wanted to be here the most.

Yeah, I told you, I wanted you to be here more than anyone because you always pay extra attention when I dance.

You don't blink, you breathe kind of loud.

That's true. That's very true.

Yeah. And I thought you liked me more than a friend because of all this "who sabotaged Josh" stuff you were doing.

Seemed a little like you wanted a one-way ticket to Joshington, D.C.

I guess I was so worried about hurting your feelings that I made up the whole sabotage thing as a way of saving you so I'd feel less bad about hurting you.

I should have just told you the truth instead of inventing an imaginary crime and yelling at a lot of people and maybe putting one person in a choke hold for, like, five seconds.

Yeah, truth is always the best.

Speaking of, what did you think of the show?

I mean, you know, before I fell.
Give me your honest feedback.

- Tell me everything.
- Uh...

I mean, you love the finger waggle, right?

What's not to love about this?

- Uh-uh-uh...
- TINA: Damn it, Josh.

I will rip that thing off. I can't say that.

I better say something fast, though. Um...

You're taking a long time to answer.

(vocalizing)

♪ My feet are little instruments ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Now I'm jumping on the counter ♪

(vocalizing, laughs)

♪ And now I'm jumping... ♪ (vocalizing)

♪ Where's he going? Oh, he's coming back ♪

♪ I'm over here, I hurt my knee a little bit ♪

♪ But now... ♪ (vocalizing)

♪ A tap, and now I... ♪ (vocalizing)

♪ And tap right back to me, why isn't anybody joining me? ♪

♪ Okay, I'll take a solo, okay, now... ♪

(vocalizing)

♪ Can he do it? Can he have a big finish? Here he goes... ♪

(vocalizing) ♪ He's done. ♪