05x21 - California

[bunniefuu]

Hey. Just got an email from HR.

Carol's doing pretty well. She can say her consonants again.

Nice. Whole words should be any day now.

So you're up for a job at Zephra, huh?

What?

Close the door. Oh.

How did you hear?

I have my ways.

Specifically, corporate called and asked me for a reference.

I mean, I have my ways, but I didn't need to use them this time.

Okay. Well, what did you tell them?

The truth. You're smart, hardworking, and a lot of fun to be around in medium quantities.

Okay. Yeah.

That could've gone worse.

So what happens if you get it?

You and Pretty Boy gonna move out to Zephra HQ, abandon us for that California life?

Sucking down avocados, Jonah wearing T-shirts in pools.

Jonah doesn't even know about this yet.

It's just the regional round of interviews, and it's such a long sh*t that it's not worth getting into a whole conversation about our future.

So this'll just be our little secret then.

Like how Sayid has a huge wang.

That's not... wait, really?

Okay, look, I'm just gonna be gone for a couple hours, so I told Jonah I'm going to the eye doctor.

Will you please just...

Got it. You're putting your trust in me and I will do everything in my power to ensure that Jonah does not find out.

Your powers are not really needed here.

Just pretend like nothing is happening.

One performance of a lifetime coming right up.

There's no performance necessary.

Don't worry. I got this.

Just... less is more!

Nothing is best!

I can't believe that Brett gets to be the Easter Bunny.

I was begging to do it, but corporate said that anyone who asks more than three times can't

'cause of pedophile stuff.

Hate to agree with corporate, but that policy feels right.

It's Easter fever at our place right now.

Jerry's been practicing his finding skills for the egg hunt.

He's... he's getting there.

Being newlyweds sounds so fun.

You must be doing it all the time.

Uh-huh.

All that sex and no baby.

When's Jerry gonna put the bun in the uterus?

Fair question, but actually, when we're ready, we're gonna adopt.

There's so many kids out there who need homes.

Plus, we love our cat, and we adopted her.

Right, as opposed to birthing her yourself.

Oh, that is wonderful.

A family is the greatest gift that you can give a child and... and it makes sense, 'cause you know, it can be hard to get pregnant at our age.

Oh, I think I'm actually younger than you.

Oh. Okay.

Younger, taller, sure.

Whatever you need to tell yourself, Sandra.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ Aww. You don't have to...

♪ Don't interrupt me, dear Cheyenne ♪

♪ Happy birthday to ♪

♪ You ♪ Thanks, but my birthday isn't till Saturday.

Oh, I know. I just wanted to make sure that when you finally have your first legal drink, it's from me.

So are we gonna have a party? Nah.

We're broke as ass right now, so we'll probably just stay home and eat SpaghettiOs and listen to the neighbors fight.

No, you... you have to have a party.

Just ask your friends to chip in or, I don't know, charge them to come.

You think people wanna pay to watch me get drunk?

Cheyenne, you're young and hot.

People would pay to watch you k*ll a goat.

Thank you.

We are throwing you a party.

Yay!

Sorry.

I'm a little nervous.

Yeah, me too.

So are you coming from consulting or finance?

Um, retail.

Ah.

Oh, look at that.

All Latinas.

Oh.

That's funny.

More like Zephra looked in their crayon box and realized they're missing a brown one.

Oh, I don't think it's that.

She could be Greek.

Could you restock the Icelandic yogurt when you get a chance?

Apparently, every country in Europe gets a sh*t now.

Yeah, I will, although I'll have to check with Amy because I'm not sure the new shipment came in last night.

Well, Amy is at the eye doctor.

Yeah, I know. I mean when she gets back.

From the eye doctor.

Yep. 'Cause that's where she is.

Mm-hmm.

They're checking her out for a dead spot.

What? Yeah.

Right eye, 10 degrees off center, about the size of a baseball, she said.

Wow, that's a lot of detail.

It is, and I bet you're wondering why she hasn't mentioned it.

It's because she doesn't want you to worry.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

You know, because if the dead spot gets worse, and let's be honest, it will, you're gonna be the person taking care of her.

Feeding, bathing, describing the ocean.

Anyway, it's gonna be beautiful.

Like a Nicholas Sparks novel.

I'm excited about that for you.

Tony!

Thank you for coming.

Sandra, this is Tony, one of my original foster kids, but the family he's living with is moving to Canada, you know, and Jerusha and I have our hands so full with Rose.

Anyway, you were saying how you and Jerry wanted to adopt a child, so...

So she should adopt this gentleman?

Um...

Wow. Thank you, but... Okay, look, I know you weren't planning on adopting right away, but Tony is such an incredible kid.

He's a straight-A student, captain of the baseball team, and he makes an amazing grilled cheese sandwich.

I butter both sides of the bread.

Oh, so good.

Well, I just don't know if...

Okay, look, you don't have to decide right now, but tell you what, why don't we all have lunch and see if any sparks fly, huh?

Okay.

This is weird, right?

Well, this is what happens when a company realizes that Latinas spend money.

Yeah.

Hey, if it gets me a seat at the table, I'm not above rolling my Rs.

Yeah, sometimes you just gotta do the dance.

Right. Right.

But you don't mean, like, a literal dance, right?

'Cause I don't know any.

Amy Sosa?

That's me.

Um...

Amelia Sosa.

Or just... just Amy is fine.

All right, I texted Amy and she's not responding, but there is obviously no such thing as an eye dead spot.

Which I know because I looked it up.

All right, fine. I'll tell you the truth.

She's not at the eye doctor.

She's taking a saxophone lesson.

She wants to surprise you with a smooth jazz version of a contemporary hit.

Okay. Dina.

You have to tell me where Amy is.

Totally. I'd love to.

It's just that...

Brett is biting it so hard at being the Easter Bunny.

Look at him.

He's garbage.

I gotta go tag in. No, I...

I know you're lying!

Brett was born to wear that suit!

Oh, we could get, like, a Red Bull fountain.

Ooh, or we could have, like, a bunch of lizards there but, like, you could get 'em high and see what they do.

All I'm saying is that 21 is literally the last good age, so this party needs to be a little elevated.

Maybe a string quartet?

Ooh, butter in a sophisticated shape?

Oh. Okay, cool.

Yeah, so, like, one of those parties with, like, wine and coats.

Like, people are like, "Oh, where do I put my coat?" and someone says, "Oh, just put it in Donna's room."

It doesn't have to be stuffy. Just nice.

We could do specialty cocktails.

Or we could tape a fifth of Fireball to every guest's hand and then whoever finishes last has to roll all the joints or call the hospital.

Over the years, I've learned that our customers just want the best price, plain and simple.

So if we promote Zephra's online sales in store, that gets you a bunch of new traffic.

Uh-huh.

And what about customers of color?

Do you have any strategies for connecting with any particular demographic?

Um...

Yeah. Sure.

Of course.

As a Latina...

I know that... family is very important to our culture, so I'm thinking... shared family accounts with distinct user profiles.

See? Right there.

That's something we wouldn't have thought of.

Really fresh perspective. Yeah.

I mean, all I know is that my mom, she uses my Zephra account for everything, and I'm just like, "Mamá, ven acá."

"I have your achiote paste."

It's a Honduran staple.

Oh.

Did you grow up in Honduras?

Well, um... not physically, but if you think of it in a broader sense, like, in the cultura that was passed down to me, then...

Still no.

Um, look, it's pretty obvious that you invited me here to interview for your resident Latina or whatever...

No, that's not what we're... No, no.

It's more about fresh perspectives.

Right, right. I'm qualified for this job because I have 17 years of experience, and I know everything there is to know about our customers, but if all you're looking for is somebody with a spicy last name, then I suggest you keep looking.

That's my water.

I'm sorry.

So, Tony, Sandra is from Hawaii.

Cool. Do you surf?

No, I've never been to the beach.

But I've seen people surfing. Like, in pictures.

Oh! Radical.

Hey, sorry to interrupt your surprise adoption.

Oh, no, you missed it.

They were just getting along like gangbusters.

They have so much in common, like they're both pet lovers.

Yeah, Sandra has a cat and Tony has an aquarium.

Tell her how many sharks you have, Tony.

Three. Three.

Oh.

What are their names?

They don't have names. They're sharks.

Yeah.

Obviously, we're gonna have a red carpet area, although lately, purple's sort of having a day.

Uh-huh. Oh, hey, Bo!

What's up, Chey?

I just stopped in to use the employee bathroom.

Man, that flushes like an airplane!

'Sup, Mateo?

We're actually planning Cheyenne's 21st.

Oh, yeah, she texted me.

Said your ideas were, like, hella lame.

Oh, not lame.

Just... Yeah, man.

She said you're, like, all up in here trying to serve people fish and strawberries, making it all, like, Mozart and Amadeus and whatnot.

Yo, we're just trying to get turnt.

Well, I didn't realize we were trying to get turnt.

I can do turnt.

What if we serve White Claws?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

I got an idea that doesn't suck.

How about everybody's got roller skates and when you fall down, you gotta take a sip.

Oh, yeah.

That'd be awesome. Yeah.

Right, right.

Oh, and we could also hand out colored wigs.

Oh, yeah. Smart.

Yo, don't write that down.

That's, like, a bad idea... oh, you're just pretending.

Yeah, it's all good.

Dina, come on. Just tell me where Amy is.

The Easter Bunny doesn't talk.

No, I know, and that's very convenient for her.

You're in the sh*t.

Okay, Janet, relax. You're not Anne Geddes.

All right, fine. Then we will do it this way.

Thank you so much. Happy Easter.

Look away, kids.

Oh.

Hi, Brett.

What...

Amy?

Oh, what, you actually thought I'd get in that suit?

I've been hiding in my truck.

That thing's soaked in urine.

Every millennium has one party that craps bombs on every other party that millennium.

This time, that party is Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheyfest.

Musical acts, fire eaters, cryotherapy, a hawk, fog and foam, surprises, expected things, diversity, and all your favorite celebrities...

Cheyfest 2020.

Get destroyed!

Isn't it great?

Yeah, no, I...

I love that it's just a mishmash of random stuff.

You know, just weird chaos. No theme at all.

Oh, I thought the theme was "crap bombs on other parties."

Yeah, it is. I said it in the video. Yeah.

Need some glasses for your ears now too, old man?

Okay, I love all these ideas, but how are you guys gonna get all this stuff?

Bo can borrow his grandma's car.

No, I mean logistically.

It's just... all this stuff you're promising sounds...

Sounds super litty.

Cool. Yeah.

And if you want, we can also do the fish and strawberries.

I never said fish and strawberries.

I just think it's a little weird that you felt you had to hide the interview from me.

I just didn't wanna get into some big discussion about how we do it or what it meant.

I mean, I figure I'm not gonna get the job anyway, and I was right.

I mean, I don't think they liked it when I basically accused them of being r*cist.

Yeah, well, you're better off.

Yeah, and who wants to go to California anyway?

It's just, like, pretentious Florida.

Ugh, totally. And the way they manage their water resources?

Get out of here, California.

And their nice weather?

Just... it makes you soft.

Pass. Hello.

Yeah, this is Amy.

You got the job?

I got the job.

Look, Sandra, I gotta say something here.

You know you don't have to adopt that child... man, really, he's a full-grown man... just because Glenn wants you to.

I just feel bad because he seems like a good kid and he doesn't have parents, you know?

Yeah, but he could have kids.

So what have I gotta do to put that boy into your home today, huh?

You know, Glenn, I really, really wanna be a mom and I'm definitely planning to adopt, but I wasn't planning to do it today.

Oh, no. Of course not, no.

Adoption isn't that simple. It can be a long process.

But as a first step, I was able to work my connections with the foster agency, and they can arrange for Tony to sleep at your house starting tonight.

Oh.

It's good to have connections.

You know, Glenn, you can't expect her to take this kid into her home without talking to Jerry first, right, Sandra?

Yeah, I should really discuss this with him.

Oh. Yeah, absolutely.

Why don't you call him now?

Oh, now?

Um, okay.

Hi. It's me.

Glenn wants us to adopt a 17-year-old and his sharks.

Uh-huh. Three of them.

Yep, you're right.

I'll tell him.

Thanks.

He's okay with it.

Are you sure?

'Cause he could have said anything, and we wouldn't know.

Yeah.

They loved my passion and my story.

Apparently, I have a story.

And they're... they're gonna make me an offer.

That's great.

So what are you gonna tell 'em?

I mean, a high-paying corporate job where I'll never have to say the words "raccoon carcass" again?

I think I...

I think I might take it.

Oh.

What? No, it's just I...

A second ago, you seemed so annoyed by being treated like the token Latina.

Yeah, no, I mean... but at least they're thinking about diversity.

That's a good thing, right?

Do you even want to work there?

Yeah.

They liked my ideas, and I think I could...

I could make a difference.

For a billion-dollar corporation?

And for the people here.

Look, I know that that's what you want to do, I get that, but... I mean, come on.

How often does that really happen?

So what am I supposed to do, Jonah?

Just stay the manager here forever?

I've been here for 17 years.

I don't have a degree.

Or, like, family connections or, like, any other options.

This is my chance.

Honestly, I don't care why they're giving me the job.

It's a good job, and...

I'm gonna take it.

Well, then...

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Oh. Hey, Mateo, can I ask you something and promise not to freak out?

No. Uh-huh.

Okay, so if 500 people bought tickets to my party, how many do you think will actually show up?

Probably, like, 30, right?

You sold 500 tickets?

My friend Chloe reposted it, so it really took off in the foot fetish community.

Chey, this is really bad. Well, it's all your fault!

You're supposed to be the responsible adult who talks me out of doing dumb stuff.

You said my ideas were lame!

They were, but mine were, like, too good.

Maybe it'll be okay though.

Wait, is there a thing where if you promise something to someone and they pay for it, you have to give them the thing that you said?

Yes.

But, like, legally? Yes.

Oh, dang. I was hoping no.

Hey.

Did you hear Amy got that job?

She's gonna be making so much more money than you.

Yeah, well, she already does.

Yeah, but now she's really running up the score.

Anyway, she's gonna k*ll it out in California.

I mean professionally.

She's gonna take a major hit in the hotness rankings.

So you're okay with Amy leaving?

Me? Oh, no, I hate it.

I'm gonna go home and stress eat an entire jar of olives.

But this is pretty huge for her.

Yeah. Yeah. It is, yeah.

It's good that you're being so supportive.

I went a different direction with it.

Really? Come on.

You're a light-boned weakling who brings in no money.

I mean, if you're not emotional support for Amy, then what's the point of you?

I mean, I've seen you drive. That's a mess.

You can't grow facial hair. Okay, I get it.

I think about you holding a hammer and try not to laugh.

I'm picturing it now.

I wish you could see this. You're really struggling.

So I talked to Jerry, and he said we could probably fit your shark t*nk in the kitchen if we take out the oven.

Cool.

Who's Jerry?

He's your new dad.

Oh.

Can we stop at Panda Express?

Sure.

Mom, stop.

Hey.

What's going on here?

Some kid bit the butt off every single one of these chocolate bunnies.

Some future m*rder*r I assume.

Oh, 100%.

So I found a really great place for you.

It's, like, 10 minutes away from Zephra, and it's right by a park so Parker could play and you could teach Emma to play chess.

Once I teach you.

Also, I found a couple options in Menlo Park.

Jonah.

Apparently, the public transportation is really easy.

Jonah, what is this?

What are you doing?

I'm... I'm getting on board.

You've got a great opportunity here and I'm excited for you.

So you don't think I'm selling out.

I think you're right.

You gotta do this.

Well, I appreciate that.

Because there's so much to think about.

I mean, there's the kids and...

What am I gonna do about Emma's school?

And then there's this guy that I'm seeing in St. Louis.

Well, maybe... that guy you're seeing should just... go with you.

Oh.

Wow.

You mean, like... like, he would just move to California?

For me?

Yeah, I mean, well... you know, why should you be the only one who gets a taste of that sweet public transpo?

Yeah, but their water resource management is...

I can overlook it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Let's... let's move to California together.

Let's do it.

And just to be clear, when you say "this guy you're dating in St. Louis," that's me, right, because if you're seeing somebody else, I'd prefer he not come with us.

Okay. I was just... just checking.