31x21 - The Hateful Eight-Year-Olds

[bunniefuu]

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Uh, hey there, chief.

Uh, look, your mailbox hasn't been emptied in weeks.

Oh, no, not the mail.

What if I'm missing out on coupon packs, or perhaps a jury summons?

How will I live without my paper e-mails?

Eh, I get it.

But be a pal, pally. Empty it out.

Hmm, it has been baking in the sun for a while.

I think it's done.

(WHISTLING)

(CLANGING)

Mail loaf!

- (GRUNTS)
- (CLATTERS)

- (Kn*fe BUZZING)
- (HOMER HUMMING)

Carve that mail. Carve it good.

Who wants an end piece?

Hmm...

(GASPS)

I'm invited to a birthday party at Addy's.

Addy? Hmm, I don't know that friend.

What subject does she teach?

It's a kid! I know kids.

It's a sleepover at Addy's house.

- (MURMURING)
- Addy.

I met her at the library.

- Aha.
- Oh. - Library, Marge.

LISA: We were the only ones who loved this old series

of books, Gallop Girls.

(BOTH GASP)

(SNIFFING)

BOTH: Mmm, old book smell.

(SNIFFING)

Mmm, new friend smell.

(LISA HUMMING HAPPILY)

What is the deal with girls and horses?

Is it 'cause boys took all the good animals,

like dogs and ninjas?

Horses are nature's triumph.

They have the perfect combination of power, grace and braidable hair.

Dumb, dumb, stupid. Legs don't move.

Ew. Pink?!

Once cars were invented, why didn't they just k*ll all the horses... with the cars?

b*at it, Summer School.

Horse-a-copter att*ck.
Its plops are bombs.

(IMITATING HELICOPTER ROTORS)

(WHISTLES, MAKES FART SOUND)

Let her go. She's a rescue and uneasy around men.

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GASPS): My paddock!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Hey, hey, hey, hey. No horseplay.

(LAUGHS) Horseplay!

Marge, guess what I said. Fight on.

Why? Why do you always wreck the stuff I care about?

Big brothers are supposed to be helpful and a little nice.

I wish I could un-brother you.

Not if I un-sister you first.

Fine. By the power of safety scissors, I hereby sever the sibling bond.

- Snip.
- (GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(MAKING FART SOUNDS)

HOMER: Wow.

Look at that house.

I bet they use their garage for cars.

BOTH: Horsey birthday!

Your house is huge.

Yeah, it's kind of embarrassing.

My dad's the exclusive ketchup distributor for stadiums and megachurches.

She's obviously lying. Ketchup is free.

Play along.

Hi, I'm Marge.

Lisa's really been looking forward to your daughter's party.

Oh, no, I'm the party planner.

The mother's on a photoshopping retreat to get her son into USC.

Have fun. We'll see you tomorrow.

: a.m. pickup.
Goodbyes and gift bags.

They're so rich, they know the future.

Well, I just finished the Gallop Girls book where George Washington's horse exposed Benedict Arnold's horse as a traitor.

♪ ♪

I kind of wanted it to be a surprise.

We kind of own horses.

(DELIGHTED SQUEAL)

You know, Lisa has a sleepover, Grampa's with the other ones, and we are near the marina.

I'm not looking for your lost sunglasses.

It's been six years. They're gone.

You are always saying how I never make plans for us.

Well, how about a sunset cruise?

(GASPS): I only ever read about those in Sunset Cruise magazine.

There's even live music.

This is the band that was gonna play Lenny's wedding reception if he didn't get pepper-sprayed at the altar.

I forgot how handsome you are when you make the slightest effort.

(BOTH MOANING)

- Oh.
- (HOMER CHUCKLES)

Don't worry. If you get thrown, your vest will automatically inflate so it breaks your fall.

Now use the reins.

Sunflower wants you to lead her.

(NEIGHS)

What's the matter, Addison?
You didn't like my post.

Is your thumb broken?

(LAUGHS): Thumb broken?

Tessa Rose, you are brills.
Completely brills.

(SLURPING)

Literally, that was the funniest thing ever.

I can't stop laughing.

Uh, Addison, why is she staring at us?

Addison? (NERVOUS CHUCKLE)

Is-is that what you like to be called?

(WHINNIES)

This is my crew.

You probably know them all from social.

This is Bella-Ella.
She's from old money.

(CHUCKLES): Myspace.

Sloan. British.

And, of course, beauty icon Tessa Rose.

Don't you just hate her?

Aw...

Oh, right, uh, guys, this is Lisa.

She's... her.

Nice to meet you guys.

Um, you need to calm down.

I am calm.

Stop yelling.

(WHISPERING): I'm not yelling.

Look, matchy-matchy... (SCOFFS)

...I don't need drama from someone whose shirt is a spoiler for her pants.

You're hilarious.
I will never stop laughing.

(SLURPING)

Your friends seem, um, different than you.

That one keeps saying things are funny, but she's not laughing.

Oh, she can't.
Her mom got too much Botox when she was pregnant.

Ugh, so lucky.

I know they seem cliquey and stuck-up and...

- Awful?
- Yeah.

But once they accept you, you'll see that, deep down, they're... nice.

Oh, good, good. So they're not mean.

Oh, I almost judged them. (CHUCKLES)

That was close.

(GASPS)

These will totally hide my kombucha hangovers.

I got them in the city.

The city is New York. New York City?

I'll make a note, in a book. A notebook.

(GASPS): A phone case.

It's for the new MyPhone.

There's no buttons, and the camera only faces you.

It's literally unusable.

What about my gift?

Look, it's got a little straw hat that fits right over his ears.

(SLOAN LAUGHS)

She got her a toy.

Does it come with a nappy?

Oh, my God, I'm laughing so hard,

I can't even breathe.

Does it dispense bronzer?
Bronzer remover?

What does it dispense? How is it makeup?

But you like it, don't you, Addy?

Oh, it's... adorable.

(SIGHS)

For a "widdle" baby.

(LAUGHTER)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪

(PHONE RINGING)

You're breaking up, honey.

How's the party?

It's not fun. I don't want to stay.

I want to go home.

It's... (STATIC) fun.

I don't want to... (STATIC) go home.

Thanks for the uneventful update.

How's Lisa?

Having fun and not wanting to go home.

Sounds like fun.

- (GROANS, MUTTERS)
- _

(PHONE CHIMES)

HOMER: You're right.
Daddy understands completely.

That's what daddies do.

(GASPS)

I'm trapped. All night.

With them.

♪ ♪

(GROANS)

What do you mean the Taylor Swift lookalike canceled?

Now who are the girls gonna throw cupcakes at?

Finally. You're the only adult here.

I want to go home. Can you help me?

Oh, no, this sleepover has got to get % engagement.

I can't go back to working at Bubba Gump Shrimp.

It's not shrimp.

Hey, lady bosses, who wants to visit the perfume lab and start your own fempire?

(SNIFFS DEEPLY)

What are you wearing, Desperation by Thirsty Grandma?

(LAUGHTER)

I'm .

- (LISA GROANS)
- (PHONE CAMERA CLICKS)

(SIGHS)

Let's binge the new season of Thank God I'm Dead.

T.G. I'm D. is literally massive.

Leandra's funeral is so on my vision board.

(QUIETLY): I'm not allowed to watch that show 'cause it glamorizes inappropriateness.

It'll be okay. Just close your eyes.

♪ ♪

TESSA: We get it, warnings, this show is awesome.

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
- (WHIMPERS)

Now that she's gone, she's finally popular.

I'm gonna ask her ghost to the prom.

(GASPS)

(LAUGHTER)

Someone's about to go viral.

Baby videos are super popular.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(CRYING)

- ♪ I think I could stay here for the rest of my life ♪
- (PHONE RINGING)

- ♪ Please don't ever make me go home ♪
- Mmm?

(GIGGLES)

(GRUNTS)

- Oh... (GIGGLES)
- (GRUMBLING)

(STRAINING)

(PANTING)

What are you doing in here?
This is the caterers' bathroom.

This Japanese toilet is the first kind voice

I've heard all night.

Addy, why did you invite me to this party? Just to t*rture me?

(SIGHS) Okay.
Full disclosure, I invited you because those other girls are always so mean to me.

But then they were mean to you instead and let me join in.

Oh, thanks for making this the best birthday ever.

Aw.

Wait, no "aw." That's horrible.

No, don't you see?

Next time, you bring a Lisa.

Someone from band camp or science club or whatever, and then we'll all turn on her and you'll be part of the squad.

No, no. No, this can't be who you really are.

Let me whiten your teeth, Lisa.
I've got strips.

(SCREAMS)

Strips, Lisa! Lisa, come back!
I've got whitening strips!

(PANTS)

And it's the Old-Man-apolis , but he spun out into Dead Man's cr*ck.

(PHONE RINGS)

LISA (OVER PHONE): Grampa, it's Lisa.

- I need your help.
- What's the matter, loser?

Did a horse bite your head off, and now you're crying because you don't have a head?

- (CRYING)
- Ha! Called it.

The girls at this party are so mean, there's no one else to help me, and I just want to go home.

Oh, I would love to help, but you un-brothered me.

Now all I am is a stranger who magnetized your saxophone.

(CREAKING)

Please, somewhere inside you there is an ember of connection between us.

This is me asking you to fan that ember.

Call me back and say it in a normal way.

(PHONE RINGING)

Get me out of here!

Look, the rando's talking into a phone.

Phones are for looking at, rando.

LISA: Bart, they're taking my phone.

They're even meaner than you.

(CLICK)

♪ ♪

Are you Juan Starnotip?

Just drive.

So, Juan, going somewhere this evening?

- The entered address.
- (CHUCKLES)

I like you, Juan. You're clearly comfortable in your own skin.

Can I interest you in a room-temperature sparkling water?

I requested no conversation.

Hey! (GRUNTS)

Give it back!

Ew, this phone is made by Subway.

My dad had to eat a thousand footlongs for that!

- (PHONE RINGING) - (LAUGHTER)
- Hey. (GRUNTS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Quit hitting on my wife, you crooning sex pirate.

Whoa, that chick behind that blue-haired lady's your wife?

Way to go, man.

Oh, right, uh,

I'll just get out of your way.

♪ ♪

(MARGE GROANS SADLY)

(SHUDDERS)

This is for not hitting on my wife.

(GRUNTS)

(GASPING)

The set list!

Our banter was on there.

What songs do we know?

(WHIMPERING)

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

(GRUNTS)

Oh.

(GASPING)

Without the booze, it's just a cruise!

Dude, you k*lled the music.

And the vibe.

Time of death, : p.m.

(LAUGHS)

Hmm.

- (LAUGHTER)
- (LISA GROANING)

- (GASPS)
- (GRUNTING)

(LAUGHS)

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Now let's get out of here before they realize I'm gone.

This sleepover isn't over.

No, yes, it is.
When we leave, it's over.

Look, I didn't come here to rescue you.

If you run now, you'll never stop running.

What do you mean?

There's one present you still have to give those rich girls.

- Revenge.
- Revenge?

Revenge.

Okay, right. Revenge.
Right. I can do that.

- What do I do?
- I can't tell you.

True revenge can only come from the hate in your own heart.

Hate.

If you do it tight enough, it's just like a face-lift.

Oh, my God. I could pass for six.

(SLURPS)

I know just what to do.

♪ ♪

(SLURPING)

(PHONE BUZZES)

(WHISPERS): Hi, Mom.

I saw you called a bunch of times.
Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything is great.
I love you, good night.

At least she's having fun.

Your Mos Eisley fracas has utterly harshed my Arrakeen spice buzz.

That's right, a two-reference complaint!

My wife and I have been looking forward to this for months, and you ruined our plans.

(AGREEING CHATTER)

Plans? Yeah, we all love to make plans, don't we?

Dinner and a movie, couples' karaoke, game night where the hosts are really just trying to sell Amway.

(MURMURS)

We're all so eager to get out of the house.

But why?

To stand in line to have your picture taken holding a mustache on a stick?

And all these magical plans are supposed to lead up to romance.

But when you get home, you feel tired and gross and a thousand years old.

So you make plans for another night and another, and the cycle continues until the only time you touch your wife is when you don't notice she's on the toilet at : a.m. and you sit on her.

Mm-hmm.

I didn't ruin this cruise.

I saved your life.

Now return to your homes and never make plans again.

(CHEERING)

(MARGE MOANS)

(CAMERA CLICKS)

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- (GASPS)

Aah!

That egghead rando messed with our hair.

(SCREAMING)

We look like her!

(LAUGHS)

Aah!

Don't worry. I have a car waiting.

An airport pickup during surge pricing?

So long, dot matrix printer, hello, bubble jet.

This way.

(NEIGHS)

(MURMURS SHAKILY)

You go ahead.

(GASPS) You don't hate horses.

You're afraid of them.

No, I'm not. I-I just hate any animal that works with cops.

(WHIMPERS) No creature should be that jacked.

You didn't let me quit when I was scared, so I'm gonna help you see that this majestic creature has a gentle soul.

Not behind her!
She'll kick your face off!

(GRUNTING)

- (HORSE NEIGHS)
- (BART EXCLAIMS)

♪ ♪

(NEIGHS)

(BART WHIMPERING)

We're gonna destroy you on Insta, TikTok and Postmates.

You'll be a total outcast and you'll have to pick up your own sushi.

Ugh, no Wi-Fi?

Does your horse even have a mobile hot spot, Addison?

Addison, can I talk to Addy, my book buddy?

Hmm, I have to be Addison.

Addy's just a little girl.

Don't you remember when we were reading this?

We were just kids, sharing something we loved.

Addison, she's trying to influence you, and she's not even monetizing it.

I'm so going to swat her house on Christmas morning.

Don't let that rando upset you.

Have a Klonopin gummy.

Be the girl I know you are.

(GRUNTS)

(SNIFFS)

(EXHALES): Old book smell.

Stop holding a book, Addison.
You're acting like a rando.

My name is Addy.

(NEIGHS)

Oh, my...

(GASPING)

Go!

Come with us.
There's nothing left for you here.

It's my house. All my stuff is in it.

Oh, right, right. Well, all right.

Maybe I'll see you at the library.
(CHUCKLES)

Lisa?

You were my best gift.

(WHINNIES)

Addison, are you out of your mind?

Netflix should make a series about your social life, because it just committed su1c1de.

(GASPS) She is so mean.

I want to be her friend.

Literally.

♪ ♪

Shh!