04x09 - Stuck in the Middle with You

[bunniefuu]

It says here there's a super volcano in Yellowstone that's gonna explode and - destroy the world.

- Yeah?

So, yes, I will have another beer.

Who's that?

We're everybody you know.

You know who's not gonna knock before they come into your house?

Super volcano.

Adam.

Alice.

Yeah.

Look, guys, it's my mother-in-law at my door with no warning.

I just wanted a nice visit with my family.

Ah.

Where's Andi?

Uh, she's out buying new towels.

Yeah, she asked if I wanted to go with her, and now I regret saying no.

Oh.

Oh, Adam, I love your little jokes.

I'm gonna go upstairs - and surprise the kids.

- Okay.

Hey, Don.

Hello, little man I don't know.

Where's your super volcano when I need it?

- The nuts are better.

- Oh, good, you found my brownies.

I was saving those.

- Where's Alice?

- Upstairs unpacking.

She's really making herself comfortable.

She already turned the thermostat up to 80.

Andi is not gonna like this surprise.

Well, what's the big deal?

Alice seems nice.

Uh, she is, but she makes Andi crazy.

And instead of telling her mom she makes her crazy, Andi puts me in the middle.

And I have to take it, because of one promise I made in a church 20 years ago.

Andi's home.

I better go warn her outside, away from anything breakable.

Hey, honey.

I got the towels.

Oh, and I picked up - Teddy's new baseball bat.

- Ooh.

Let me hold that for you.

And can I just say that you look beautiful and I will love you until the end of time.

What happened and how upset am I going to be?

Good, your mind is prepared for something horrible.

Your mom is here.

- What?

- Mm-hmm.

But we're not ready.

I mean, I-I haven't steamed or cleaned or washed or prepped.

It looks like our regular house in there.

Smart to get rid of the bat, huh?

A volcano's bad enough, but a super volcano will take your head right off.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, there she is.

Oh, Don was just telling me how we're all gonna die.

Ah.

Ah, this is such a surprise.

You're here.

Without calling or texting or any of the things people do.

Where's Dad?

Oh, he's having a staycation with George and Fred.

Those are our Yorkies.

We gave them human names so it wouldn't be weird when they sit and eat at the table.

Now, u-uh, Mom, b-before you say anything, o-our house is usually much neater.

Oh, it looks fine.

Yeah, sure.

Um...

let's go into the living room, huh?

Where the couch pillows better be fluffed.

They might be.

I never know what you mean when you say that.

He knows what a fluffy pillow is, Mom.

You can't listen to him.

He's on the beer.

Hey.

I'm "on the beer"?

I made $300 last year recycling your wine bottles.

I'm sorry.

I-I know you didn't do anything wrong.

It's just, you know, when my mom is here, I have to be perfect.

Hey, hey.

Remember when your mom wasn't here?

That was great, right?

I just don't want to disappoint her.

You know, it's like I'm ten years old.

Why can't you just tell your mom that you don't feel like you can be yourself around her?

I-I think she needs to hear that.

You're right.

She does need to hear that.

Finally.

But with one small adjustment.

You see, I think that she needs to hear it from you.

Wha...

No.

No.

You're always putting me in the middle.

Yeah, yeah.

You're my buffer.

My big, buff buffer.

Yeah, but I don't like it.

You know?

We're barely over last Thanksgiving, when you made me tell her that her cranberry salad looked like a raccoon that swallowed a firecracker.

Come on.

Once more for me?

One last job.

You know, in the movies, they always get k*lled on that one last job.

I-It...

It'll be great.

It'll be great.

After dinner, I'll go to bed and you can talk to her.

And then, when I wake up, all the bad stuff will be over.

Just like surgery.

Fine.

I'll talk to her.

But I'm gonna be on the beer when I do it.

Okay.

Hey.

Kids are all tucked in.

Where's Andi?

- Uh, already in bed.

- Yeah.

Somehow I got you all to myself.

But, um, it's good, because, uh, I need to talk to you about something, and it's a little delicate.

Okay.

Before we get to that, I have to tell you something, and it's-it's pretty personal.

That sounds like an anybody-but-me situation.

Oh, but you know that I love you like a son.

And you've been so wonderful to me from the first moment that we met.

Oh, I-I think you misunderstood.

I was just trying to sleep with your daughter.

Adam, you're so funny.

But the thing is, I've left Andi's father.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, no, it's okay, it's okay.

Oh, Frank and I have known this was coming for a long time.

But last Thursday Frank sneezed too loud and I just had it.

Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.

Oh, d...

no, don't be.

I am rediscovering who I am.

I mean, who knows, I might be a vegan.

I might be a Democrat or I might be a lesbian.

Wow.

Well, it's nice to have options.

Yeah.

I do have one favor to ask you, though.

- Yeah, sure, anything, anything.

- Well, uh, Andi's gonna need to hear the news.

- That'll be tough.

- Yeah.

Which is why I'd like her to hear it from you.

That puts me in the middle.

You're gonna do a super job.

And I'll take the kids to the zoo tomorrow.

And when I get back, all the messiness will be over.

It's just like surgery.

You scared me.

Oh, good, good.

Your mind is prepared for something horrible again.

Oh, did the talk with my mom not go well?

Well...

there were some complications during surgery.

She told me some tough news.

Oh, my God.

Did something happen to the Yorkies?

Kind of.

Their parents split up.

Listen, I am here for you.

Whatever you need, you just tell me.

'Cause you know I won't know on my own.

God, my poor dad.

Yeah, well, the good news is, I called to check on him.

He's doing great.

He's gonna open a topless car wash called Put 'Em on the Glass.

Yeah, he's been talking about that for years.

Oh.

Well, that makes sense.

Yeah, you don't come up with a clever name like that overnight.

I just...

I never saw this coming, but I...

although I don't know why I would.

She never tells me anything.

She didn't even tell me this.

She made you do it.

And I don't appreciate her making you tell me things.

You should go tell her that.

What?

That puts me in the middle again.

Adam, 20 years ago, you made a promise to me...

In a church.

I remember.

I should've read the fine print.

No You know what would solve everything?

Is if your mom wasn't here.

Oh, I can't kick her out now.

She'll think I'm upset with her.

You are upset with her.

That's why she can't know.

That's how we do it.

That's ridiculous.

But what I'm hearing is, if you two can talk things out, she can go?

Uh...

I like it.

I like it.

Now that there's a little cheese in the trap, I'm interested.

Ah.

Good morning.

Hi, Mom.

You told her already?

But I'm still here.

The damn zoo doesn't open till 10:00.

Oh...

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, no more of this.

I-I'm done being the middleman.

Okay?

You two need to talk to each other like grown women, not like a ten-year-old and her mother.

How are we supposed to magically be able to do that?

I don't know.

With alcohol.

Go...

go out, get drunk, say a bunch of things you can't take back.

Act like a family, for God's sakes.

So, Frank and Alice are calling it a day, huh?

Phew.

Talk about dropping out of the marathon at mile 25.

Well, it's sad they're breaking up, but Frank's got a winner with that car wash.

I mean, it's hard to compete with soapy hooters.

Well, now I'm stuck in a house with two women who can't communicate.

So I'm sending them to a bar to see if some cocktails will help them open up to each other.

I don't need drinks to tell the truth.

I'll be honest anywhere, anytime.

You look tired.

See?

If I'm honest, you could be a little less honest.

Without Frank around, I'll bet Alice is gonna try to take over as favorite grandma.

I got cocky because I was local, but now I got to step up my game.

I'm hungry.

I'm on it.

How about ice cream for dinner, hmm?

Grandma Alice makes you eat vegetables.

What a dud.

Hey, Alice.

Hey, what's happening up here?

Looks like you had some work done.

Oh, thanks, Don.

No, since, since I'm back in the dating game, I watched a video about how to do a smoky eye.

Been there.

Hey, Alice, you, uh, you ready for tonight?

Just have a real conversation with Andi.

Talk about what you're going through.

Well, it's been emotional...

Not to me, to Andi.

You did it again, there.

Oh, Joe's here.

Let's see if your mother-in-law can still make the dogs bark.

She's a grandmother.

Why can't she just bake some cookies?

God, Joe, look at you.

The older you get, the more distinguished you look.

Oh, that's what they tell me.

Well, I'm glad I found you, 'cause I need a little help.

- Hmm?

- Mmm.

Ugh.

- Zip me up, would you?

- Oh.

What the hell am I looking at?

What the hell am I looking at?

I'm zipping it up, not down, Bev.

You haven't zipped me up since the '60s.

You tell me to hook it with a back scratcher.

We're leaving, Joe.

We'll talk about this when we get home.

I can't help it, it's these khakis.

Tight in all the right places.

Okay.

I'm ready.

There's my girl.

Okay, you got this, babe, all right?

You get a little tipsy, talk things out, and then it’s adios, Alice.

Huh?

It's gonna be great.

Especially that last part.

Okay, come on, Alice.

Put your game face on.

We are walking.

Hustle.

Hustle, hustle, hustle.

Okay.

Hustle, hustle.

Okay.

All right.

Hey, hey.

Just have a real conversation with her.

Okay, well, don't get your hopes up.

- We don't have those.

- That's the spirit.

Off you go.

Dad?

We heard about Nana and Pop-Pop.

Is everything okay?

Oh.

Uh, listen, I don't want you guys to worry because your grandparents split up, all right?

Yeah, your dad's right.

There's a super volcano under Yellowstone that's gonna make this the least of your problems.

- There they are.

- Hi.

How'd it go?

Oh.

It was so beautiful.

Oh, I thought this might work.

Therapy's great, but liquor's quicker.

I mean, for the first time, we could just be ourselves.

It's the most open we've ever been.

Yeah.

I think I was so closed off before because I had to be perfect to convince myself - that I was happy.

- Oh, yeah, I don't need the details.

I was just looking for thumbs up, thumbs down.

Ooh.

And guess what.

Our Uber driver asked my mom for her number.

Ah.

Yeah, but he seemed like a gentleman, right?

- He always used his turn signal.

- Yeah.

Well, good for you.

Ah...

and now that things are resolved between you two, you can go start your new life.

And where better to do that than not here?

She's not going anywhere.

Like, we've just started to bond.

As-as far as I'm concerned, she could stay here forever.

Oh...

Forever?

What...?

How can she stay forever if she's leaving?

That doesn't make sense.

I'm just happy that my daughter wants me around forever.

Aw...

Thanks for making us talk, Adam.

You know, you did this.

Aw, you don't have to rub it in.

Listen, we need to talk about how long your mom's gonna be staying with us, because the answer to that can't be "forever." Sure, baby.

Why don't you come chat about it under the covers?

No, no, no-no-no-no, this is serious.

- Your mom is...

- Blah, blah, blah, take your shirt off.

What?

No, wait.

Honey, honey.

We have important things to discuss.

But I'm feeling so good.

I am not a machine.

Okay, you can't just turn me on.

- Okay, we'll talk tomorrow.

- Ooh!

Forever.

That was the exact word she used.

So, just get Andi to ask Alice to leave.

I tried that.

But she bewitched me with sex.

Wives will do that.

That's why I don't have a snowmobile.

Or a say in anything.

I don't know what to do.

My wife is happy, but I'm living with my mother-in-law.

It's crazy.

I got lonely Uber drivers circling my house like it's the airport.

So, the question is, whose happiness is more important, yours or Andi's?

Why did you ask it like that?

Are you wearing a wire?

I got the solution to this.

Does it involve a super volcano?

No.

But now I need a minute.

You know, Mom, this week has been so fun.

You know, we're so comfortable around each other now, we can shop for bras.

I mean, before this, I don't even think I could say "bra" to you.

Hey, do you like this one?

Uh...

that's too complicated to unhook.

I'm gonna be dating men in the early stages of arthritis, I want to make it easy on them.

Oh.

Wow, uh, maybe you should pick your own bra.

This is what friends do.

Oh, and I have to tell you, I am loving this sexual freedom.

See, now, your dad, he wanted his wife to be this bra.

But I wanted to be this bra.

I mean, you know, come on, let's try some stuff, Frank.

Pull my hair once in a while.

Okay.

So, for my wife's happiness, I am just going to accept the fact that my mother-in-law lives with us.

I'm gonna be a better person.

I'm gonna be that guy.

That guy sleeps in the garage.

Eventually with the car running.

Don does paint a bleak picture.

But...

But nothing, I just thought he did a nice job describing it.

My mom's got to go.

Oh, thank God.

I was trying to be a better person, but it just doesn't feel like me.

What changed your mind?

Well, like, I'm glad that my mom and I are more open.

But now it’s too open.

I-I-If she leaves, maybe we can just slow this whole thing down.

"If she leaves." I like where you're going with this.

What do you need from me?

Help me get rid of her.

But without making her feel like we're getting rid of her.

Okay.

All right.

Using underhanded means to get what I want.

Now this feels like me.

Okay, Mom.

Per your request, I made you a flirtini.

So, here's to your sexual awakening, I guess.

Thanks, honey.

That's very woke of you.

I've been on the Internet.

Hey.

Thanks for coming.

You ready to do this?

It'll be easy.

I'll let the khakis do the talking.

Oh.

Hi, Joe.

Ah, there she is.

The soft spring night can only be enhanced by a beautiful woman.

Alice, let's dance.

Since that night I zipped you, I've been dying to dip you.

But, Joe, you're married to Bev.

And you used to be married to Frank.

We're halfway there.

I knew when I saw your Old Spice on the counter, you were up to no good.

And you...

you get your hands off my man.

It's not what it looks like.

It is if it looks like love.

Joe, come on, stop it.

No, Bev, Bev, I didn't mean for any of this to happen.

I-I think it's my new bra.

It unleashed something.

Touch my husband again and I'll unleash something.

- Ma, easy, Ma, easy.

- Get off me.

Easy.

Mom, may-maybe you should head upstairs.

I don't know how long he can hold her.

Honey, I don't know if upstairs is far enough.

Where else could she go?

I don't know.

No one in this family's safe with her kind of raw sexuality around.

A cougar needs to hunt.

You know, maybe it is time for me to leave and start my new life.

W...

O-Only if it's right for you.

Yeah, well, maybe I could take a trip to Italy.

The land of olive oil and hairy men.

Tell your story walking.

And if I see you around here again, I'll give you a smoky eye without the makeup.

Mom.

You were terrifying.

Great performance.

What are you talking about?

What?

Wh-Why don't you know what I'm talking about?

Bev, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

I didn't get to tell her about the plan.

- Ugh, no...

- What plan?

Dad was just faking it to get Alice to leave.

Ah?

Oh!

I'm sorry, Joe.

I wish I'd known.

I wouldn't have held back.

That was holding back?

Yeah.

My mom can b*at up your mom.

- Bye, Mom.

- Bye, Alice.

Close the door.

Have fun in Italy.

Close the door!

Honey.

Do you understand what just happened?

Yeah.

You closed the door so your mom can't get back in.

No.

No.

Our whole relationship has changed.

I can finally be myself around her.

Of course, I'll have to get used to her being herself around me, but it’s a big step forward.

And it's all thanks to you.

Aw, well, I'm happy for you.

Hmm.

Hey.

You know how we should celebrate?

Do, do, do that thing where you unbutton my buttons.

Hmm.

Honey...

it's been a crazy week.

Let's just watch TV.

I miss your mom.