04x09 - Childrick of Mort

[bunniefuu]

[SIGH] What kind of parents drag their kids away for the entire week of spring break?

I'm missing Mike Triscuit's drug party.

Look at this. He's already watching

"Euphoria" to pregame.

Pregame. Game. Video game.

Yes, yes, dr*gs and video games. Poor babies.

What you need is to level up with a bong rip of nature.

Trust me, this is good for you.

- Can someone just k*ll me?
- [VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

Grandpa Rick, you can k*ll anything.

No, he can't, Summer. We're roughing it.

And that means no sci-fi bull-[BLEEP].

- Isn't that right, Rick?
- Uh-huh.

[CELLPHONE BUZZES]

Rick, was that a sci-fi phone call?

Shut up, Jerry.

Damn it, I didn't think she had this number.

Why are you building a Faraday box to block out the signal?

Oh, my God, Grandpa's ghosting someone.

I'm not ghosting. Hey!
Give it back, Summer!

"Rick. Please answer me. I'm pregnant"?!

Oh, my God, Grandpa, you [BLEEP] boi.

I'm not a [BLEEP] boi [BURPS], Summer!

- There's no way those kids are mine.
- Wow.

At least we know why Rick actually came on the trip...

- to avoid his [BLEEP]-guy problems.
- Why would this person lie?

I don't know, honey. She's addicted to what the Rick did.

You know, it's... it's... it's a tale as old as my huge dynamite penis.

Can we turn the radio on?

I am not letting you abandon those kids

- like you abandoned me.
- Oh, my God!

We're going to see this baby mama right now!

What, like, literally now?

- Yes, now! That's an order.
- [GROANS]

Aah!

No!

This is exactly what I was talking about!

Rick, I hope you realize the tubing permit was non-refundable!

Relax, Jerry, we'll be in and out in a minute, and then you can get right back to your dumb vacation with a family that doesn't need you.

Kind of expected someone to defend me, but, sure, okay.

Hello, Gaia. Hold on.

Let me just adjust my Seismic-to-English translator.

GAIA: Rick. You came.

- MORTY: W-Where is she?
- RICK: You're looking at her.

I-I-I-I don't understand.

Isn't it obvious, Morty?

I [BLEEP] a planet.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

So, what, you just go around knocking up planets now?

I-I-Is that what you do when I'm at school?

I'm a scientist, Morty. I try things.

Sex with a living planet?
Big step for mankind.

Yeah, we finally broke the deadbeat dad barrier.

- Ah, where the magic happened.
- Gross.

RICK: Hey, uh, Gaia, baby, Big Daddy Rick is here.
What's the problem?

Children. Birth cycle. Now.

Okay, gettin' right into it.

- I am! I am!
- Jesus Christ!

- I am!
- I am!

I am!

Dad, do something! Make it stop!

You think I know how to stop this?

I thought she was gonna sh*t an egg.

Cool vacation, guys.

So happy I got to see the human geyser instead of micro-dosing with my friends.

More coming. Kids. Need father.

Yeah, um, Baby Quakes, how big is your orbit again?

I mean, not to say you get around, but, um...

Are you kidding me? Look at them!

They look just like you.

Yeah, and snakes look like dildos, Beth.

- What's your point?
- They do?

The fact is even if they were mine, which they're not, the best parent is evolution.

They'll probably develop harder skin or maybe even webbed arms.

Man, that'd be cool, huh?
Flying squirrel people?

Yeah, Dad, that approach worked out great for me.

Beth, I know it looks bad, but trust me.

This is life in the galaxy, okay?

It's totally normal.

Fine. You won't do something, I will.

Welp, there goes the surprise!

I was gonna have us jump on the trampoline

- after we caught our first fish.
- I am!

What? You're stupid.

- I am!
- I am! I am!

- Beth, that's not gonna help.
- Uh, I hate to agree with Rick, but shouldn't we just let this be?

We're supposed to be on vacation.

You're unemployed, Jerry!

Every day is a vacation for you.

- Okay, ouch.
- You guys do whatever you want.

I'm staying here and fixing this.

- I am!
- I am!

g*dd*mn it, Beth, if you're gonna do it, at least do it right.

Gaia, baby, gonna need a little raw iron and steam.

Whatever you need, baby.

[BEEP]

[WHIRRING]

- So much for camping.
- Nope.

We are going camping.

There's trees over there.

- We're on solid ground.
- SUMMER AND MORTY: Mom!

Summer, Morty, go camp with your father.

- Ohh, son of a bitch.
- Son of a bitch.

- I am!
- I am!

- I am!
- Welp, welcome to lack of abandonment.

Dad, can we please go back and hang out with Grandpa's clay people?

Why? Because they might have a Sega Dreamcast?

Why is it so hard for you two to let nature in?

Because this sucks ass.

Camping is just being homeless without the change.

Well, that attitude is exactly why we're out here.

You guys wouldn't last two seconds on your own.

You're only happy when you're penned in and drugged up like some kind of chicken or lemur. Hey!

I told you kids no phones!

There's not even any service.

Just... Just let us be happy for a minute.

You know, maybe if you two stopped whining and let your old man take the reins, you might actually learn something.

Here. Take a bite of this tasty treat.

Oh, you think this s'more makes you special?

What? Because someone said,

"good job," to you once when you were ?

That's actually really sad, Dad. Let's be real.

You've been high-roading us non-stop, forcing us to do nothing in the middle of [BLEEP] nowhere because it's the only way you're gonna level the playing field, isn't it?

Because if you move the bar so low, you might actually seem like you're worth a [BLEEP].

Huh. [SNIFFLES]

I'm gonna go take a walk.

Jesus Christ, you really need to stop hanging out with Rick.

♪ ♪

Okay, so, if we divert the Lawyer Pipeline here, they should avoid the Ethics Tube and come out spineless enough to do their job.

Right. Wait, why are the athletes going through the introvert sector?

Obviously so they can bully the mathematicians

- and give us astronomers.
- God, you are such a space nerd.

I'm not a nerd. We're raising a society here, Beth.

If we want them to be self-sufficient,

- they need to get out into space.
- [ALARMS BLARE]

Birth cycle. Coming.

We got you, Gai-Gai! sh**t 'em hard and up the middle!

♪ ♪

[BELLS DINGING]

We got an oversupply of teachers putting a strain on the literary drive.

- Activating playwright converter!
- [ALARMS BLARE]

Aah!

Nice work, honey. Okay, the therapists are getting bored.

We need to increase their supply of incest p*rn.

- % wasn't enough?
- [ALARMS BLARING]

What the hell is that?

The unproductives. g*dd*mn it!

- How are there so many of them?
- Unproductives?

Yeah, deejays, foodies, influencers.

I just re-circulate them through until...

[expl*si*n]

[BLEEP] they blew a hole in the human resources department!

- You're fired!
- Downsizing already?

I'm putting this in your file!

We gotta fix this, Dad.

We can't keep recycling them through.

I could add an online [BURPS] college workaround.

Or just push them out through a pipe in the back.

- Same thing.
- Same thing.

These kids may not be mine, but you definitely are.

Look at you. My little steampunk overlord.

Eeee!

I don't think he's coming back.

You know, you... you really messed him up, Summer.

Yeah, well, he called me a lemur.

Let's just go find Grandpa.

Maybe he can portal us home or something.

- Should we leave a note?
- Dad is fine.

He's probably sucking off a tree and having the time of his life right now.

Guess you don't want to learn how to skip rocks, either.

Aah!

Aaah!

Whoa! Whoa! Aah!

Aaaaaah!

Ohh!

Aaaaaah!

Gah!

Ohhhh! Aaah!

Aah!

Aah!

[WHIMPERING]

Aaah!

Ow! Hey!

Aah!

Aaaaah!

Aaaaaaaah!

Ohh!

[SCREAMING]

- _
- [GROANS]

Who are you guys?

We are... unproductives.

Ahh, I get it.

Bunch of bull-[BLEEP].

What is that?

This? This is camping.

Camping? Ooh!

Camping!

[ALL CHANTING]
Camping! Camping! Camping!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Good work there, TickTock.

Keep whittling. Incredible.

You've almost got smoke over there, Florflock.

There you go, guys!

Pump those cheeks.

That's the camping spirit.

What the... Squeeb!

This is not a tent.

It is a new kind of tent, with special gutters to funnel the rain, and a door.

It's a house!

No houses! No doors!

Once you have doors, you have indoors.

Once you have indoors, you won't want to camp anymore.

Then why do they not camp?

Because they're bad.

Bad. Bad. Bad.

[ALL CHANTING] Bad. Bad. Bad.

Oh, my God. Maybe Dad was right.

Maybe we have no life skills.

I've definitely drank more pee than I care to remember.

I'm just gonna sit down.

If I die, don't eat my ass.
That'd be weird.

Uh, Summer?

Damn, you think they got infected by a mind slug or something?

Probably drove through a nebula that made them see their own fears.

Whoa!

These controls.

It's just like my video game controllers.

I just wish I could read these symbols.

This looks just like Tricia's bong.

Morty, I think these tubes might contain all of their collective knowledge.

[INHALING]

- Mm!
- Well?

[STRAINED] I think we got this, bro.

[APPLAUSE]

Beth, you wanna do the honors?

What? Really? Wow. Okay.

- _
- Here we go.

If you told me six days ago I'd be christening a generation ship for my half-rock children, I would've called you crazy.

But I guess that's the lesson... crazy things happen when you put in the work. Salud!

[BLEEP] Doopnar! Sing something!

[SINGING ANGELICALLY]

- Great toast, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetie.

Damn, listen to those pipes.

You sure these kids are yours?

What, you've never heard me sing karaoke?

I'm... I'm pretty good when someone's in my register, like the guy that sings "Circle of Life."

Can't remember his name.
Dresses up weird.

[LAUGHS] Look at this. Everyone's happy.

They're about to go into space.

I know things haven't always been great with us, but we do make a pretty good team.

Uh, Rick? Can we talk?

Kinda in the middle of a breakthrough with my daughter.

Go ahead, Dad. Gaia deserves some time, too.

- They're your kids.
- Yes, about that.

Pam! It's good to see you, baby!

Um, Gaia? You know this guy?

Ha! You call her Gaia? So lame.

Is that... God?

Rick. The kids. I messed up.

- You're not their father.
- Little ones!

Daddy's here!

I'm sending some fog down.

- Feel my presence through the fog!
- Ooh!

Beth! What the [BLEEP]. Don't touch it!

You gotta be kidding me.
God is the father?

No hard feelings, okay?

We thought they were yours, you know, because they're so small.

Oh, wow. No hard feelings.
Y-You hear that, Beth?

Guy swoops in after we raised his whole civilization and tells us he forgives us.
What a [BLEEP] mooch!

Don't push me, assh*le!

Rick, I think you should go.

Seriously? You really want this pile of dry ice to raise your kids?

Stop acting like you did a good job.

You made my kids soft and empty inside.

This city is a monument to nothing!

Where is their faith?

Reggie is right.

The children are not ready to leave.

He can give them more.

I mean, maybe we should just bail, Dad.

At least this guy is immortal and can stick around.

Bull-[BLEEP]. They're my kids! We're staying!

[ALL CHANTING] Bad! Bad!

See? Now, this is the kind of sh*t I'm talking about.

- [CHANTING CONTINUES] Bad! Bad!
- BETH: Jerry! Oh, my God! Is that you?

- What the hell are you doing?
- Camping.

Oh, look, Jerry finally found his people.

All it took was a deep enough drip pan.

You labeled these creatures "unproductive," but I have given them more purpose than ever.

Oh, yeah? They filing your unemployment forms?

His tongue is sharp, but it cannot whittle.

The Great Roughing of It is at hand.

You will now join the One Family on its Eternal Getaway.

Or join the embers over which we hold marshmallows at just the right distance.

Six inches! Until it gets golden brown!

Don't let it start on fire!

The carbon is bad for you!

What's happening?

GOD: My children, I give you my power.

Use it to take what is yours.

Oh, this mother-[BLEEP].
Raise the walls!

[WHIRRING]

Walls can't stop us, Rick.
We are chosen.

Sha-boom-boom!

Sorry! Sorry!

Just trying to get the hang of this thing.

Nice choice of chosen people, G-diddles.

I guess you'll be playing the "mysterious ways" card

- on that one.
- You wanna go, bro?

I'll kick your ass myself.

Oh, dude, don't tempt me.

When I'm done with you, you'll need a staff to un-part your [BLEEP] face.

Guys. Please. Not in front of the kids.

Did you for real just try to smite me?

Siri, triangulate source of power.

Got you now, you son of a bitch.

Sweetie, you handle the hippies.

I'll handle the off-brand Yahweh.

- Kick his ass, Dad!
- Bear witness.

♪ ♪

Now you see my true form.

The clouds were simply a shape more appealing to Gaia's mind.

No sh*t. Any form is more appealing than this.

You look like Kid Rock [BLEEP] Zeus.

Oh, seriously, you expect me to fight you like this?

You're the size of four Empire State Buildings.

All right, mother-[BLEEP]. Let's go.

[YELLS]

[BLOWS LANDING]

[BOTH GRUNTING AND GROANING]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLES]

Aaah! Aah!

Ha-ha! You like that?

- Ohh!
- Here comes some pain!

Ohh!

[BLOWS LANDING, BOTH GRUNTING]

Ow!

Ow!

And... that last one should be... the start button.

Perfect. I guess we're ready.

Let's show Mom and Dad what video games and partying are all about.

[WHIRRING]

Jesus Christ, was that the wings?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

This is not like a video game!

- It's not like a video game at all!
- Oh, my God, make it stop! Make it stop!

- How do I make it stop?!
- I don't know. I'm [BLEEP] high!

Aah!

[COUGHS]

Oh, God, now I'm high, too!

[BOTH SCREAM]

- Jerry, that's enough.
- Oh, hey, babe.

You like these plagues I'm unleashing on your asses?

No, they're lame. It's not a great sign that your army's on the same side as disease.

Sorry we aren't modern enough to sort people by value and sh*t the losers through a mean butt tube!

Just admit this is about you wanting to feel needed!

Says the woman who sold out her family for an ounce of approval from her drunk father!

Well, maybe he drinks because it isn't easy to be more powerful than God.

Well, if it's god power that gets you going, light some candles and put on the Billy Ocean because Moses is home and he's ready to burn some bush!

Sha-boom-boom!

[GRUNTING]

Ohh! [BLEEP]

Ow! All right, all right, stop.

- Come on, bitch!
- Look, you win, okay?

Ju... I don't care about the kids.

Smite them, raise them to [BLEEP] sheep.

Just keep the city, okay?

My daughter and I built that thing.

- It's important to her.
- No, bro. I'm a Zeus.

I can literally do anything.

Think I'm gonna hang around and raise kids?

The only lesson they need is right here... fear.

And it looks like school's out, bitch.

I-I think you mean school's in.

What are... What are you talking about?

I-If you're teaching fear, then choking me... school would be in.

Fine. School's in, bitch.

Oh. [COUGHS]

What the [BLEEP].

Ohh! Are we dead? D-Did we die?

I don't ever want to be high again.

I-I got scared straight.

Oh, my God, I got scared straight.

[BLEEP] Dad was right.

We... We think we know everything, but maybe we're the ones who suck.

You kids are my [BLEEP] heroes!

You saved Grandpa's life!
I [BLEEP] love you so much!

- Papa!
- Papa!

We played video games and got high! We did wrong!

- We did wrong!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, little boopas.

Come on, now. You kids, you did real good here.

You did good.

Getting high and playing video games is the best,

I swear to [BLEEP] God.

But Mom and Dad are gonna be mad.

No, hey, hey, look, no.

[BLEEP] your mom and dad.
Your parents are a bag of dicks.

Getting high and playing video games is the best, and I will never sell you out, ever.

Now, we got to get out of here before this guy falls out of the sky.

He's generating an ionic cloud from his own belief system.

Holy [BLEEP]. Summer, were you smoking this?

You were basically inhaling brake fluid. Jesus!

Mm, yeah.

[WHIRRING]

It's over, Beth. Tell your people to lower the gates and pack their moisture-wicking shirts.

Incoming!

♪ ♪

- [COUGHS]
- BETH: Jerry!

Beth! Just hold on!

I'm losing my grip!

- Jerry.
- Squeeb?

Use the s'more, Jerry.

- Ow! You stabbed my hand!
- Sorry! Sorry!

[GROANS]

Should... Should we make love?

Jerry, I love you, but I can literally smell your balls from here.

Oh, wow.

Ask God for a flood next time.
It'll come with a shower.

Noted.

Aw, geez, that... that poor guy.

Can you maybe not tell Mom and Dad?

Relax, it's just a Zeus.
If this was the real God, it... it'd be a completely different story.

GAIA: Rick! What did you do?!

I mean, gravity did most of it.

- So, you, technically.
- I told you to leave!

Yeah, well, you also asked me to raise your kids.

Uh, not sure if you heard the phrase, "pick a lane," but...

You k*lled their father!

Father or not, he was a lying piece of [BLEEP].

I don't care who else stuffed your crust, but I'm the guy that showed up.

But I mean, if you want,

I can still power-wash his guts off the tower and maybe...

Get oooout!

Okay, yeah, she's pissed.

I mean, you k*lled her slam piece, Grandpa.

I don't blame her.

♪ ♪

See? You put the fire stick to the wood, and, voilà!

Campfire.

You have known about this the whole time?

I'm not gonna waste my time building you an ark, but if your mom gets clingy, you can use this to get some space.

Is that all you want to say to your children before you leave?

Oh, yeah, uh, don't ask me for money.

I mean, Gaia's not gonna raise those guys to hunt us down, right?

Oh, most definitely.
I put a tracker on their ship.

I'll blow it up if they come anywhere near me.

Well, kids, never thought I'd say this,

- but, Summer, you were right.
- Wait, what?

I thought I wanted to teach you guys about tents, but really, I just wanted to feel important.

I guess sometimes teenagers do know what they're talking about, even if it's mean.

Right, but didn't you, like, go into god-mode and fight Mom?

Love is the only power that matters, Morty.

No, you had actual power, and you did jack sh*t.

That was a divine staff.

You could've cured cancer or raised the dead.

- Instead you made bugs.
- Well, I was impressed, Dad.

He saved my life, no thanks to you.

Your kids got high on alien mist and drove the ship into that Zeus guy's head.

- Basically m*rder*d him.
- Grandpa!

- What the hell?!
- Come on!

What? You did. I mean, not to cast the first stone, but, Beth and Jerry, pretty terrible parenting on your part.

Did you know Summer huffed a K-Zax Array?

She basically smoked "The Ring."

Most pilots die after three days.

And Morty, the [BLEEP] moron, he thought the ship worked like a game controller.

What in the Disney
Channel [BLEEP] is that?

Maybe help him with homework next time.

He's clearly crying for help.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Planets Only. Planets Only. Planets Only.

Entire systems of steamy, lush globes and barely habitable celestial objects are drifting through the void just for you.

- Planets Only.
- Let's terraform.

- Or colonize me as I am.
- Planets Only.

Oops, there's a hole in my ozone.

I didn't put it there. Did you?

I can't fill it by myself.

I'm not smart enough.

Young, dumb, and orbiting the sun.

The greenhouse is in full effect at Planets Only.

Oh, I want you to split my Pangea into distinct continents.

I don't have hydrostatic equilibrium yet.

Is that something you can learn?

ANNOUNCER: You get the idea.

Phew!

I was watching over your shoulder for a full minute.

So? I was watching because it's funny.

It's... It's... They...
They... They're planets, but they're sexy. It's a comedic premise.

- Yeah.
- Planets Only.

Planets Only.