05x01 - Grow Fast or Die Slow

[bunniefuu]

All right, let's do an exercise.

You can build anything in the world you want with your compression.

What's it gonna be?

Three, two, one, go.

A-- A new internet.

What I am your lead investor.

You will respect me as such.

I do not respect you because you are fat and poor.

So, you're telling me that the perfect application of my algorithm belongs to Gavin f*cking Belson?

We need his patent and his funding.

Eventually, this will render every server obsolete.

Holy sh*t.

Welcome to the future, Gavin.

-Whoa!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

-Son of a bitch!

I have spoken to our top LPs to start a new firm.

Would you care to jump ship with me?

You are, after all, my best friend.

What?

Gavin just f*cked off to go find himself, who knows where.

-It's the patent.

He just signed over full ownership to me.

There's a loud man here to see you.

Welcome home and congratulations on getting your business back.

Thank you, and I should congratulate you on your breakthrough.

I can help you get where you wanna go.

I'm pretty sure I know where I wanna go, and how to get there.

I shall look forward to the fight.

Jesus, what the hell did he order?

Oh...

No!

No, no, no, no.

Stop!

Stop it, stop it.

Oh my God.

These are our new offices?

Richard: Yeah.

Well, this is just the lobby.

We're up there on the second floor, but yup.

These are so nice.

There's a fireplace.

Oh!

I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout.

Follow me, right up here.

Trust me, you're gonna love it.

Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe your pathological inability to make a decision finally paid off.

Jared: Wow.

Richard, well done.

Dude!

Look at this place, huh?

Jared: Oh, I love it.

So, when do these guys move out?

Oh, no, this isn't our space.

Our sublease is straight through here.

Okay.

I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home.

Huh Hoo-hoo-hoo!

It's-- it's very white.

Yeah, it's minimalist, you know?

Sharp, clean lines.

I was thinking about maybe putting my desk here in this corner.

Jared, you over here, right?

Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up against this wall or over there.

You know, just take a minute, walk around the space, see where the mojo takes you.

I mean, we've got some good feng shui in here.

Really good.

Richard, the plan was to hire 15 coders and some assistants and-- and other staff.

Where exactly would we put them?

Easy.

Right around here.

Look, guys...

the price is unbelievable.

I'm just happy that we got to it when we did before anyone else.

I-- I emphatically vote that we move on this now, if we all agree.

I mean, we do agree, right?

I cannot put this delicately, so-- Are you f*cking kidding me, dude?

You want us to work in here?

This is a f*cking black site, Richard!

A black site would actually be better, because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

This is f*cking with my eyes.

Can I get outta here?

Okay, ha-- hang on.

Richard, can I talk to you for one second, please, privately?

Richard: Sure.

Ah!

See?

Plenty of outlets.

Richard...

what are you doing?

We can easily afford a place with windows and...

air where you can maintain a connection to time and space.

If-- if we spend all that money, it's gone.

Okay, don't you remember Jack Barker squandering all our runway for those fancy offices or Russ Hanneman spending nearly every cent we had on f*cking swag?

I'm sorry, man, we do not get another chance.

This is it.

Gilfoyle: There is no point whispering.

We can hear every f*cking word you say in this sweatbox.

I can hear you gulping, Richard.

No, you can't.

Richard, it is my firm opinion that if we were to take this space, our new hires wouldn't be coding, they would be having panic att*cks.

No, come on.

I'm doing a really good job of hiding it, but I'm having one right now.

I gotta get the f*ck outta here.

Jared, you okay?

I will not be back.

Wait, guys, hold on.

Jared, I'm gonna get you some water, okay?

Richard: Okay, what about this guy, Chris Berger?

He's a very skilled engineer.

He was very funny when we met with him.

I think he'd be great.

He was oddly tall, don't you think?

Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass.

Alright, what about Blake Kang?

His beard hair looked like head hair.

And his head hair looked like beard hair.

Come on!

It's been a f*cking month.

I got us these expensive-ass offices because you wanted them, and now they're just sitting here, empty, because you guys won't agree on anyone.

Look, I'm going to be seeing Laurie Bream at this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight, and she's gonna ask how hiring is going.

She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable.

What am I going to tell her?

That we've just been dicking around the whole time?

We're not dicking around.

Really?

What about this?

Gilfoyle: Touché.

He sent in a professional headshot.

We had no choice.

Plus his face looks like a taint.

Okay, yeah, fair.

But look, I sent you 63 good people.

I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy, obviously closeted alt-right guy, and the guy with the stupid f*cking pizza app.

It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza.

You have to choose.

Dude, it's easy for you to say.

You're gonna be off CEO'ing, going to fancy galas.

We're the ones who have to like be in the engine room with these clowns.

Gilfoyle: They have to meet our rigorous standards.

I mean, look at the three we've already hired.

Just look at them.

There they are.

Stallions.

Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last.

Dinesh: Perfect.

Yeah, they're glorious, obviously, but that's only three of them, and they're luxuriating here in this huge f*cking palace that is costing us a fortune, so hurry up and pick these f*cking coders, and stop acting like a couple of spoiled millionaires.

Alright, Richard, your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala.

I put a touch of mint in the steamer.

You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman." Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.

During my sabbatical from Hooli, I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration from mankind's greatest achievements-- the Parthenon, Angkor Wat, the Great Pyramid of Giza.

But it wasn't until my flight home that I had my epiphany.

Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year, but 2.4 million people visit HooliSearch every minute.

God, what a f*cking douchebag.

Gavin: And then it occurred to me.

What I have built is a far greater achievement, than any of the ancient world.

And the ideal version of myself was the man I already was.

Thank you.

Richard?

Richard Hendricks.

Oh.

Huh?

Okay.

Yeah, hi, Duncan.

Yeah.

Me and my guys were just talking about you and your pizza app.

Oh yeah.

I bet.

Our algorithm finds you the cheapest, fastest pizza, and it's-- it's awesome.

Yeah.

It's actually so awesome...

Definitely.

that-- oh man, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna have to pull my resume.

Oh, you're pulling your-- Oh no.

Yeah, I just don't feel as psyched about it as I do about Sliceline.

Sliceline?

That's the name of your app?

Yeah.

Oh God.

Great.

Yeah, it's a pun.

Is it?

Yeah.

It rhymes with Priceline.

Okay.

Just-- so, it rhymes?

Okay.

Yeah.

It's a rhyming pun.

Anyway, there might be some major VCs around here, so I gotta go mingle.

Okay.

It's the-- it's the worst part of this job.

Am I right?

I'm kidding.

It's the best part of the job.

Okay.

What an assh*le.

Richard.

Gavin, hello.

Don't you look cute in your Sunday best?

How's that little bunny Internet going?

Mmm.

New Internet.

New.

Unlike your old Internet.

You know, I'm glad I ran into you, Richard.

I was actually starting to feel bad about what I did today.

Oh Invent the MOSFET transistor It's old technology.

It's very old, like you.

No.

I've heard that you're trying to staff up.

Over the past few months, you've met with just about every distributed systems developer in the Valley.

Okay, well, not everyone.

63 of them, and as of 4:30 p.m.

this afternoon, I hired them, all 63 of them.

Yeah, I had to pay through the nose, but you know what?

♪ ♪That look right there on your face?

It makes it worth every penny.

You know what?

Enjoy the reception, Richard.

You too.

Jared: Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.

He hired all of them.

Even my boy Blake Kang?

He was a good one.

I'm sorry, uh, your boy?

I thought his hair was backwards?

You guys were lukewarm on him and everybody else for all kinds of stupid reasons.

Well, now that they're unavailable, their strengths are more readily apparent.

And I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me waste so much time being picky.

What?

I was dying to move faster.

I was just respecting your process.

Our process sucks.

Your inability to stop us from sucking is a failure of leadership.

At least we still have the stallions.

Ah.

Those stallions.

Look at 'em.

Magnificent.

Sit back down.

Just sit in your chairs.

Jared, um...

call alt-right guy and cologne boy and all the other rejects, and...

set meetings.

Well, I did a little digging on the alt-right guy, and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis, but there might be another option.

Do you remember Kira Pickford?

Yes, actually.

Yeah, good coder, but she had her own company.

Well, that's true, except that her company, Optimoji, just lost their second round of funding, so they're basically on life support.

So?

So, what if, instead of building a team, we acquired one?

Dinesh: But Optimoji has 30 people.

We only need 12.

Well, we'll just insist that she let the other 18 go.

We have a lot of leverage.

Richard is a shrewd negotiator, and I'm, you know, spirited.

Look, Kira, this is a fair offer.

But...

I've got 30 great guys.

We're like family, and you only wanna bring along 12?

I have to do what's right by my guys.

Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family, and it's awful, but what can you do?

Shh, shh.

Sometimes there's only one-- Jared, okay, stop.

Um, look, Kira, you're not gonna find a better deal than that.

Your company is close to bankruptcy and we all know that there are a lotta coders out there in this old town, and we could go to any of 'em, but we wanna go to you, so...

kinda feels like we've got all the cards here, huh?

Richard.

You keep following me, I'm gonna call the cops.

I'm just kidding.

Oh.

Hey, I'm Duncan.

Hey.

Kira.

Hey, guess what company just got his Series "A" Term Sheet Oh, the Sliceline.

Congrats, yeah.

Duncan: Yeah, we're staffing up like crazy.

Speaking of staffing, how about all those coders you lost, man?

I'm sorry.

That must've been a real blow.

What coders?

Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but this is boring.

Thank God I didn't accept your offer.

I'd be the only guy working for you now that Gavin Belson swooped in and tactically mass-hired every single distributed systems engineer you were looking at.

Gavin hired all of Richard's coders?

Not everyone.

Not everyone.

Yup.

The guy is savage, and so are my guys if they don't get their caffeine, so nice meeting you, Kira.

Cool.

Cool, cool.

What were you saying about holding all the cards?

All of my coders or none of them.

Take it or leave it.

Dinesh: What?

Gilfoyle: What the f*ck?

Do you have-- Do you-- Dinesh: Jian-Yang!

Jian-Yang...

would you please explain why we each found some random Chinese guy asleep in our beds?

Yes, you work all day.

Your rooms are always empty, so they use.

The f*ck they do.

Yes, it's not your house.

This is not your house either, Jian-Yang.

This is Erlich's house.

Do you think Erlich would want your guys here?

No.

That's why I invite them, because I hate Errich.

We are not Erlich.

You are from Errich's administration.

No, we are not.

Nobody has heard from Erlich in months.

This isn't working.

I'm gonna drag your cousin the f*ck outta my lair.

Jian-Yang: No, this is my cousin.

Engineers, welcome.

You are 63 of the top distributed systems developers in the Valley, and we're looking forward to working with you.

Hooli is the future, and your future is...

the Box Two.

So, are there any questions?

Yes?

I'm sorry, but what if we don't wanna work on that?

Weird.

This is our flagship product, but I'm sure we'd all like to hear what you would like to work on.

A decentralized Internet, like we were going to build with Richard Hendricks.

Actually, that's the one thing we can't do here at Hooli.

Yes?

Sorry.

You only hired us because Pied Piper wanted us, right?

Untrue.

Go on.

And Pied Piper only wanted us because of our ability to help build a decentralized Internet.

Can't speak to that.

Continue.

And you're telling us that even if we want to, we can't build a decentralized Internet here.

May I ask why not?

Because Richard owns the patent for it.

Yes, third row, red hoodie.

How did he get it?

I gave it to him.

You in the back?

Why did you do that?

It was a Buddhist act of selflessness.

Well, I'm also a Buddhist, and I would never give him the patent.

I mean, once he builds that Internet, he's gonna render Hooli's entire web-based ecosystem completely obsolete.

I mean, everything you're doing here is antiquated.

That's not a question.

That's a statement.

You know what?

f*ck you guys.

I don't want you working on my box.

It's too good for you.

"Antiquated"?

Why did you all take my money then, you entitled little pricks?

You all think you're John Lennon until someone waves a dollar in your face!

You know what?

Get outta here!

Go on, just wander the campus for four years until you vest.

See what I care.

I'm serious!

Go!

Goodbye!

Thank you very much!

Assholes.

"Antiquated"?

f*ck do they think they are?

I'm in the Innovation Hall of Fame.

Are they?

Speaking of, they sent over the official inductees portrait.

You and your peers.

Handsome bunch.

f*ck.

f*ck!

So, Mr.

Yang-- It's Mr.

Jian.

In China, last name comes first.

Okay.

Mr.

Jian, you say that Erlich Bachman wrote this letter...

to you?

Yes.

"This is Erlich.

Hello.

"I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart.

"I want him to be the leader of the house "and control all of the friends.

Goodbye.

Bachman Erlich." Yes.

I want his house.

Thank you.

Okay, I don't technically represent Mr.

Bachman.

I'm Pied Piper's corporate counsel, so my exposure to Bachman pertains only to his 10% ownership of the business.

Errich owns 10% of Pied Piper?

This was not a lie?

Sadly, no, that's very, very real.

That's worth a lot of money.

It's promising tech.

One day it could be worth a sh*t-ton.

sh*t-ton.

Yes.

Mr.

Jian, you seem like a good guy.

Um, this letter is not a legal document.

I mean, maybe a skilled attorney could make a case that in the absence of an existing will, this would serve as one in the case of Bachman's death, but as far as I can tell, the guy is not...

Dead.

Yes.

Errich is dead.

Do you happen to have...

a death certificate or any-- any form of proof of-- Yes.

I can get it now.

Richard: Our deal with Kira is for 30 f*cking coders.

Where in the hell are we gonna put them?

Well, I suppose we could put three more workstations here, and then two more over there.

It'd be crowded but cozy.

They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.

Yeah, but, I mean, are we sure this is the right thing to do?

I mean, I don't want to crowd the stallions.

Are we sure taking on all 30 of Kira's guys is the right move?

We can get up and running.

They all know each other, so we won't have to play the name game.

Yeah.

Ron, hello.

Hey, buddy.

Hang on just a second.

No, the-- the exit is-- the exit is the other way.

God damn it.

Um, Richie, you know a guy named "Jee Jan?

Uh, no.

Well, I know a "Jan the Man," but she's a woman.

Look, did you-- did you talk to the Optimoji board yet?

Uh, did we close the deal?

Uh, well, a deal closed.

Another bidder came in with a better offer, so they went with them.

Richard : What?

Was it Gavin f*cking Belson again?

Ron : No, it was a new company.

Real smart, clever name.

Sort of a pun that rhymes.

Oh, hello, dickheads.

I hope I'm not interrupting your plotting, you sneaky little dinks.

Kira, you and I had a deal, okay?

So f*ck you, f*ck you, and f*ck you!

Man: What did he say?

Not you.

Just e-- everyone.

I meant f*ck all of you.

No one specific.

Richard, you low-balled me.

Mmm?

Remember?

Well, Duncan here said he wanted to grow fast as balls.

He said he was psyched.

Yeah, I am psyched.

I'd hire a million people if I could.

See, if I have to sell my company, I might as well sell it to the CEO who actually wants all of us.

It's pizza, Kira.

Richard, we're just three CEOs trying to do right by our companies.

Okay, you know what?

I'm glad you turned us down, because I don't want to work with anyone who wants to work with this...

meathead.

I'm taking these.

I'm taking all of them.

Maybe just take one.

You have like four employees.

Richard: Ha!

Ah, sh*t.

Gavin: Throw it away.

Patrice, I'd like to welcome you back to the Hooli family.

It's wonderful to be back, Gavin.

Sadly, the timing couldn't be worse.

Those code-monkeys I just hired were right about one thing: Making Jack's box the flagship product of this company will send us down a path to technological irrelevance from which we will never return.

But in light of the time and resources we've invested in this product, convincing the board and our shareholders to simply scrap it will be nearly impossible.

Our company is too big to turn around that quickly.

Gavin, what if you launched a new product to help us correct course?

Absolutely.

Look at all the products you've brought to market over the years.

Gavin: Hmm.

True.

I did invent the HooliPod and the HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro, but a man only has so many game-changing inventions in him.

And technically, all the products he just named were money-losers.

I mean, you could argue we'd have been better off if he'd never invented any of that stuff.

Hoover.

Hoover: Sir.

Patrice, can I talk to you outside for a second?

Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious box is allowed to go to market, we may all lose our jobs.

We may all go the way of Patrice.

But we must fight it.

We cannot sacrifice our long-term wellbeing in the interest of paltry, short-term profits.

Well, they're not paltry, exactly.

Did you not see the preorder figures for the Box Two?

They came in this morning.

Holy sh*t.

Are these right?

How many quarters is this?

Just one.

The Box Two will be by far the most lucrative new product we've ever released.

f*cking Sliceline.

Plus his fancy, hi-tech pizza tastes just like Domino's.

There's a reason for that.

Check out the liner.

Jared: Oh yeah.

I guess that's Domino's.

We never had pizza 'cause my step-mom said Italians aren't real white people.

Hold on.

Duncan doesn't even make his own pizza?

He just orders it from Domino's and switches the boxes?

He really is sneaky.

It's not sneaky.

It's stupid.

Switching boxes costs a lot of money.

Okay.

How do you know?

I need to prove Errich's dead, so I want to ship a dead body from China, but it's hard to find a white body in China, especially fat like Errich, so I buy a fat, white cadaver from Cincinnati medical school.

But to ship to China, then switch box, then ship back, it's way too much money.

Say that again.

Like, not one word of that made sense.

Hold on.

Just-- ju-- what-- uh...

does anyone-- does anyone know the price of a Domino's pizza?

A large, 10 bucks.

Okay, well, Sliceline sells theirs for nine.

So?

So, we're not f*cked yet.

That was kinda crazy, Richard.

That was-- I mean, you threw a full-on tantrum.

I know, I know.

I am so sorry.

It's just-- I guess I'm just a CEO trying to do right by my company.

Like you guys.

Speaking of business, wow, we're having a hell of a night.

Yeah, well, I would know.

About 500 of those orders tonight are me.

Oh.

Richard, you really didn't have to do that.

But the peace offering is super appreciated.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't really call it a peace offering.

You see, Duncan, you took eight mil in funding, right?

And then you matched my offer to acquire Optimoji here from Kira, but the thing is, you can't sell your pizzas for nine bucks a pop without taking a bath, can you?

The reboxing, the double delivery, ugh.

You lose, what, four bucks an order?

Five, actually.

We're losing five bucks a pizza?

Yeah.

Only temporarily.

So, her team is gonna optimize our order routing and allocation, and then we'll be cash-flow positive.

We can easily turn it around before we run out of money.

Right.

Yeah.

Unless a lot of people buy your pizza very quickly.

What are-- what are you doing?

Well, Duncan, I can be a dickhead too.

You see, I have $13 million in my bank account and a very low payroll, which affords me to buy a lot of tasty 'za before you can turn it around.

You're trying to bankrupt us?

No, Kira.

I'm simply trying to devalue your company, so that I can make a low-ball acquisition offer which you cannot refuse.

Richard, I'm just gonna delete your account.

You see, my engineers already thought of that, and they worked up a little botnet program.

Thousands of fake users indistinguishable from real ones geolocated perfectly to maximize drive time and bleed your little greasebag operation dry.

You know, I may not have that many coders, but the ones I do are stallions, each one more magnificent than the last.

Monica: You spent $19,000 on pizza?

No, $19,000 on vengeance.

You're acquiring Sliceline who already acquired Optimoji?

Richard, you're talking about absorbing a staff of 50.

How are you gonna spin this to Laurie?

Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie.

I mean, she's your partner.

Are you afraid of her?

Of course I'm afraid of her.

The woman got pregnant just to prove to me that she could do it without missing a day of work.

Okay, fair enough, but maybe this one time you could take my side.

I cannot take your side.

You're asking for 50 employees.

Think of the-- Sorry I am late.

Hey, Laurie.

Did you, uh-- Induce?

Yes, this morning...

and here I am.

So, Richard, I received your email.

I understand you wish to acquire a company called...

Sliceline, which themselves recently acquired a company called Optimoji.

Yes, and I will be f*ring both companies' CEOs and taking on a total engineering team of about, uh, 50.

Fifty?

Monica, you are okay with this?

Well, it shortens their runway significantly, but you did say that you want them to grow, Laurie.

Yes, but in this case it seems...

reckless.

However, if you are on top of it, Monica, then...

...approved.

Congratulations.

Great.

Thanks.

And congratulations to you too.

On?

On the-- on your-- on your baby.

Oh.

This is awesome.

Gavin is essentially doubling-down on the very thing we are destroying.

It's like he's giving up.

Maybe I should've ordered the nicer Tesla.

Dinesh: Ah.

Oh gosh.

Everyone's here.

Jared: Richard.

So many people.

Richard.

Hey.

Hey.

I thought you'd want to give some opening remarks, you know, it being the first day and all, just to set the tone.

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hendricks!

Um...

Um...

Well, it's great to have everybody and...

so many...

f-- faces.

We've got a lot of...

men and women here.

And...

we should remember that.

So, let's keep it clean.

Um...

it's always a challenge...

to get it-- I've got-- I should probably-- more to say in a minute.

I just have to go, one-- one second, in my office...

and then we'll conclude.

Uh, he just needs a second in his office, then he's gonna come back.

Oh God.

Don't tell anyone, okay?

Um, Richard, I know-- I know money's tight, but I think I might invest in a modesty panel for your desk.

Richard: What?

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪ ♪ Now, three monkeys sat in a coconut tree ♪ ♪ Discussing things as they are said to be ♪ ♪ Said one to other, Now listen, you two ♪ ♪ There's a certain rumor that can't be true ♪ ♪ That man descended our noble race ♪ ♪ Why, the very idea ♪ ♪ Is a big disgrace ♪ ♪ And here's another thing ♪ ♪ You will never see ♪ ♪ A monkey building a fence ♪ ♪ Around a coconut tree ♪ ♪ And let the coconuts ♪ ♪ Go to waste ♪ ♪ Forbidding all the monkeys ♪ ♪ To come and taste ♪ You have petitioned to become the sole executor of the estate of Erlich Bachman.

Erlich Bachman is dead.

Oh!

The Optimoji guys and the Sliceline guys, they are united against me.

Good news.

I'm hearing that Pied Piper is in freefall.

If I have to build my entire new internet by myself, I'll do that.

You have been in a coma for four years.

-In fact, I'm a robot.

I'm just joking around!

What, did you sell your sense of humor?

Come on!

No.