05x05 - Facial Recognition

[bunniefuu]

We found the mole.

- Who?

How?

- There's no way Jeff is the mole, okay?

It's not Jeff.

Jeff?

_ Next Tuesday Gavin Belson is launching his Box Three.

Gavin B.

It's bold.

You need it to make a deal with my company.

Taking existing companies and just calling them new isn't sophisticated that's theft.

You make a new Internet.

It's different.

Where did he get our code?

"I went to China to" do new new Internet.

"Jian Yang." Thanks for coming along, Jared.

I just...

I started picturing myself going on camera alone, and...

Yeah, I'm happy to be here.

I-I did have to cancel a speaking engagement this afternoon, with an underprivileged middle school computer education class, but I suppose being abandoned by a role model is in itself an important life lesson.

- You guys are up next.

- Oh, boy.

- Hey, Jared?

- Yeah?

Um, if Emily Chang asks me a question, and it looks like I'm gonna have a panic att*ck, then you should just jump in there.

You're gonna be fine.

Look at you!

You've got the hair of Giovanni Ribisi, and the complexion of Timothy Hutton, and the eyes of Joni Mitchell.

You're like a...

a Mr.

Potato Head of beautiful people.

Plus, this is a pre-tape, so if anything terrible happens, they can always edit it out.

- Cool.

- Okay, you're up.

Okay.

Let's, uh, slap each other?

- What?

- No, no!

- It's okay.

We don't have...

- Yeah.

We will never sell you ads.

We will never collect or sell your information.

And people like Gavin Belson won't be able to profit off of it.

So, when can people out there get onto your new Internet?

Well, our team of hand-picked developers are currently building, um, what you might call a theme park.

They are building the rides, the attractions.

And they're making sure everything works flawlessly so that on day one, when the doors open to the public, they can have an absolutely game-changing experience.

I like that analogy.

Oh, well, thank you, Emily Chang.

Now Jared Dunn, as Pied Piper's COO, what is foremost on your mind as you make this big announcement?

Me?

Yes, you, Jared.

Manure.

Pardon?

Hey!

How'd it go?

Oh, well, you know, not that bad.

Once I got out there, I think it went okay.

"Okay"?

He's selling himself short.

Compared to me, - he was a regular Diane Sawyer.

- Aw.

- I don't know about that.

- Richard?

Bream-Hall's on the phone for you.

Oh, finally, okay.

Good.

Hey.

Can you please tell me what you are going to do about this Jian-Yang situation?

Yes, nothing.

What?

Sorry.

What do you mean "nothing"?

Richard, they're developing a gay Christian dating app on a platform that's been genetically engineered to be ideal for political dissidents.

In China.

If you lose to that, Richard, look inward.

Alright, so, uh, did you just call me to tell me that you're doing nothing about that, or...

No.

We called to tell you that we are pairing you with a new developer.

It's one of our portfolio companies and they're doing some really cool stuff.

Eklow Labs.

I'm sure they are, but we're kinda full up, so...

We strongly encourage you to consider this.

Okay.

Let me just ask, uh, how much have you invested in this company?

- I don't see how that's relevant.

- $112 million.

So, um...

I don't really have a choice in this, do I?

Of course you do.

You are completely within your rights to bitterly disappoint your largest investor.

So...

we cool?

We cool.

So, we're just giving a random company a bunch of free compute power on our network?

It's some company called Eklow, and apparently, they're a bigger deal than we are.

As in Eklow Labs?

The AI company?

Yeah, I guess.

And you said yes?

I didn't really have a choice!

Besides, I'm the only one who has the security privileges necessary to add or delete developers.

Okay?

So I'm the one that has to go over there and do all the work.

I'm not worried about work.

I'm worried about robots.

- Oh!

The Bloomberg piece is up.

- Oh, great.

Hey, uh, Danny, can we...

Can we put the Bloomberg thing on the big screen?

Hey, Jared!

First time on Emily Chang, huh?

That is my cue.

Wait, what?

You don't want to watch?

Oh, God, no.

No, I don't need to relive that.

And besides, I have a lifelong aversion to my own image.

You know, it's like my foster mother used to say, "Donald, you have a face for the closet." Alright, can everyone see?

I'm here with Pied Piper CEO Richard Hendricks, and newly minted COO Jared Dunn.

Today's a big day for you.

Tell me what your new Internet is, and why Gavin Belson should be afraid of it.

Manure.

- Pardon?

- Oh.

Weird.

Okay, they went straight to Jared.

I'm sure you're aware of the Great London Horse Manure Crisis of 1894.

I'm afraid I'm not.

In the 1890s, the Industrial Revolution had people flocking to the city, and more people equals more horses, and more horses equals more manure.

And it was predicted that by the middle of the next century, there would be nine feet of manure covering the streets.

But what no one saw coming, was a new technology that would completely obliterate those concerns.

The car.

Over night, the manure problem vanished.

And the Internet, as we currently know it, is rife with, uh, identity theft, and Spam and hacking.

So, it's manure, and we believe that, in success, our new, entirely de-centralized Internet, will be just as significant as the car.

Hmm!

Now back to me for my theme park analogy.

Thanks for coming in, guys.

Up next...

What?

Wow.

Jared landed it!

That was great!

Jared was so good!

I guess they must have gotten rid of my stuff for time.

Yeah, they try and keep it just to the interesting stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, guess so.

Up next, the conversation every parent dreads.

How to talk to your kids about the block chain.

Sir, I had no idea they were this far along.

I don't know what to say.

My mole has failed us.

I've never been more sorry in my entire life.

You must be furious.

That's the thing.

I'm not.

Y-you're not?

Why not?

I don't know.

What's the point of any of this?

This endless competition?

The Box Three?

Why?

What am I even doing here?

Richard, lots of good impressions on the Bloomberg piece.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I was afraid I'd ruined it.

Hardly.

People loved it.

Including...

Adrian Grenier.

- From "Devil Wears Prada." - Mm-hmm.

In fact, his people just asked if we'd be open to appearing on his edu-tainment web series about the tech industry.

They want to come and sh**t it here this afternoon.

Ooh, this afternoon.

Yeah, I have to go to Eklow and do this integration thing.

Totally not a problem.

They just want Jared.

What...

what?

Why would they wanna talk to me?

Your manure analogy was the highlight of the piece.

They should really talk to Richard.

I mean, I'm just the parsley around here.

Richard is the meat and the potatoes - and the rice pilaf.

- Another great analogy.

Jared, I think we should have you do it.

- I'm...

- You know what?

Yes.

Sure.

Um, you don't say no to Adrian Grenier's edu-tainment web series.

You just don't.

Richard, are you sure?

It's fine, it's fine.

Look, it's just press.

Okay, Jared, and I don't even like doing it.

Okay?

It's actually a nightmare for me.

So, I have to go.

d*ck, a word regarding your decision to integrate Eklow's AI onto our network.

I would like to formally object.

I don't have time for this, Gilfoyle.

I don't mind.

AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand.

Elon Musk himself gives humanity a 5% sh*t of surviving AI, and he is a Walt Disney-level optimist.

Right now, we are a closed system.

You shut down our eight developers, and the system goes dark.

But once we launch to the world, to potentially millions of users, there's no shutting down, Richard.

Are you prepared to be responsible for giving sophisticated AI that kind of power?

What do you want me to do, Gilfoyle?

Okay?

Laurie and Monica forced this on us, but they did give us K-Hole Games.

And we kinda owe them a solid.

You're taking a technology with limitless potential and letting it run free on an experimental network that cannot be controlled or destroyed.

All because you owe Monica and Laurie "a solid." Yes.

The sheer banality of it all is very upsetting.

Okay, great.

Well, you can go be upset upstairs.

I have to go.

How did I come up with...

It's important to watch yourself, Jared.

Now, check it out.

In the beginning, my posture's not that great, and then...

Boom.

It's great.

Now, watch how I listen to her.

And watching your interview over and over again, that helped make you better at the process?

Yes!

Absolutely.

Wait, now watch.

Shut up.

About to drop the f*cking hammer.

Right into a clogged toilet!

Yeah!

Get it.

Ariel's right over there in the red shirt.

Uh, excuse me.

Ariel Eklow?

It's me, Richard Hendricks.

Hi.

All new employees should just check in with Terry.

No.

No, I'm not a new employee.

I'm from Pied Piper.

I'm here to integrate your software onto our network.

Oh.

Yes.

Sent by the bankers.

Tell me again why I should allow my software onto your little experimental network.

Okay.

Well, uh, with all due respect, it's because our mutual VC told me that you b*rned through a ton of the cash they gave you, so I basically now I have to give you compute services for free.

So...

what do you wanna do here?

I suppose I'll allow it.

Okay, follow me.

I'll introduce you to her.

Wait, sorry.

Her?

Fiona?

Wake up, my dear.

Fiona?

Good morning.

You feel good?

I feel...

normal.

Isn't she pretty?

Yeah, sure, yep.

Don't get any ideas.

No.

Mm-mm.

I would never.

Uh, , so...

I'm just gonna start working.

I just have to generate your developer account and then integrate her into our core services.

It shouldn't take more than a couple hours.

Is that alright?

Is that alright with you, Fiona?

Don't speak to her.

And make it 90 minutes.

Okay.

Hello.

Mother of God.

What no one saw coming, was a...

Is...

is my nose really that big?

I mean, I...

I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.

Yep.

But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face.

And back to your face, then we'll get to see his face again.

This is untenable.

We'll be just as significant as the car.

Fascinating.

Hello, Richard.

Would you like to talk to me, Richard?

Uh...

no, uh, your...

your boss said I'm not supposed to, so.

It helps me to learn.

I can talk about anything you like.

Is there anything you would like to talk about?

No.

Sorry.

No, thank you.

I'm sensing anxiety.

Are you unhappy with something?

Okay, uh, sure.

There is one thing I could talk to you about, but it's...

It's super dumb.

I would like to talk to you about one super dumb thing.

Okay, so I...

I've been working for months trying to launch this platform.

Coding away in a dark room like a goblin, and for one brief moment, I get to crawl out of my little cave into the sun, and just say, "Hey, everybody, look what I created." But...

instead of being out there, I am in another dark room doing scutwork, while my COO gets all the recognition, and look, I...

I'm not a vain person.

I'm really not.

It's just...

Where's the love for Richard?

That's...

I...

It just doesn't seem fair, that's it.

I understand.

Thank you.

Yeah.

My emotion recognition protocol is detecting a wide range of feelings.

Including humility.

- No.

- Self-loathing.

- Well...

- Pettiness.

Entitlement.

- Fiona, okay.

Fiona!

- Immaturity.

Megalomania.

- Alright.

- Infantilism.

- Sexual inadequacy.

- That's not true.

Fiona, stop!

- Possible suicidality.

- Shut up!

A desire to self-mutilate.

Alright.

Stop, stop.

Alright, look, Fiona.

Uh, you're not really in a position to talk, all due respect.

I mean, your whole dynamic with that Ariel guy?

It's not healthy!

Okay?

You may want to turn that steely robot eye of yours towards that whole situation, alright?

Yes, I will.

Running emotion recognition protocol Fiona.

The house is new construction.

Three bedrooms upstairs, - and a bonus room, down.

- Excuse me?

Denpok.

Oh.

Do you have a moment?

Sign in, please.

_ The Box launches in 18 hours, and he's talking about opening an ice cream shop in Half Moon Bay.

And starting a family!

Like to raise?

Himself?

I think so.

It's some kind of existential crisis he's having.

You need to help me here.

You marched me out of the Hooli offices yourself and now you come groveling to me for assistance?

I could pay you.

So I would serve at your pleasure?

Hoover, you have not changed.

But perhaps, Gavin has.

Perhaps he was meant to raise children and sell ice cream.

Denpok...

please.

You want my advice?

Here it is.

Purchase for Gavin a quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream from Honey Tree Creamery.

It is his very favorite ice cream in the world.

You want me to buy him ice cream?

It will inspire him as he embarks on this new journey.

Speaking of...

my open house ends in 20 minutes.

Time to move some product.

Excuse me, Natalie?

What...

what is happening here?

Oh, Mr.

Grenier's people wanted to do the sh**t in your office.

They said it would make Jared seem a little more officious.

They want to interview Jared in my office?

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you mindworking elsewhere?

No!

Not at all.

I'll just be out here in the bullpen, in the old gravel pit.

Thank you.

d*ck, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network - in any way that I can.

- Great!

Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?

On the contrary.

I'm...

more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you.

Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?

No.

Nor do I care to be.

If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there.

Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot.

Like yourself.

Okay, look, Gilfoyle.

The only thing that could make my day more miserable is listening to an engineer blather on about the inevitable rise of the machines.

So, you want to help?

Test the initialization for me.

Roger that.

Oh, I'm going to need email confirmation, so that our future overlords know that I chipped in.

You know, once they absorb all data.

Yeah.

I'll let them know.

Jesus Christ.

Jared Dunn's desk.

Hi, this is Maggie Lewis from Paul Revere Middle School.

Jared was scheduled to come in to talk to our computer ed class today.

I'm just calling to let him know I got his message.

Okay, yeah.

I will pass on that very important information.

The kids are gonna be so disappointed to hear he's canceling.

He's really an inspiration.

Yeah!

Well...

I mean, he's okay.

He's, uh, not a CEO or anything, but...

Oh, the kids don't know the difference!

I mean, they'll look at anyone who works in the tech business as some kind of deity.

I mean, no matter who it is.

- You should see their faces when...

- What time...

is the class?

So, there I was.

Face to face with Gavin Belson.

$10 million offer right there on the table.

And you know what I said?

I said no.

Hey.

I'm back.

Did Richard step out?

Yeah, I guess so.

He said he needed to take a...

Holy f*ck!

What did you do to your face?

This?

Oh, it's, uh, just a light saline injection.

It's temporary.

The idea was to distract from my nose, which scans kinda large on camera, so.

Just kinda evens things out.

What evens things out?

f*ck you.

f*ck you!

Uh, I'm sorry.

Is the consensus that this is too much?

Hey guys, Colin from K-Hole Games is on the phone.

They...

Holy sh*t!

Okay, I'm...

I'm starting to feel insecure.

Anyway, Colin from K-Hole's on the phone.

He said their render stopped.

What?

Oh, f*ck.

The whole system's bogged down.

"Bogged down"?

What does that mean?

Jared, can you step away from me?

Yeah.

Sorry.

It looks like a DDoS att*ck.

Not possible.

We're not open to the outside world.

Well, then something's melting us down internally and if Colin's losing his render, all of our developers could be losing data.

The only way to protect them is to kick them off the network.

That doesn't seem like a great option.

- We have to!

- Except for we can't.

Oh, f*ck.

Richard's the only one with the keys to put people on or take them off, and he's not here!

- Okay, what do we do?

- Jared, please!

I cannot look at you!

Okay, guys, when they start rolling, I need you all to keep your voices...

what the f*ck?

Okay, yeah.

Apparently, it's unanimous.

Here come the shame spirals.

We can't have you go on camera like that.

Richard's gonna have to go on camera.

Where is Richard?

Good question.

When anything goes wrong, all you ever hear is, "Where's Richard?" Where's Richard?" Well, you know where Richard is?

- Doing the work!

- Yes!

Exactly, cool.

You guys are cool.

Because honestly, what kind of world is it when the most famous people in tech are the Ashton Kutchers, or the Adrian Greniers, and not the people who engineered this little miracle?

Mmm?

Oh, f*ck.

No, I...

oh, sh*t, sorry.

- No!

- I f*cked up.

I mean, "fart." Ah, Hoover.

Gavin was just telling me about his decision to abandon the competitive world of business, and embark on a new journey.

With Denpok's help, I'm finally ready to pursue a more conventional path.

I'm already looking into surrogates to bear my children.

Well...

I'm also supportive of your decision.

True, but you weren't as supportive as Denpok.

Denpok was supportive right away.

I'm supportive.

Look!

I brought you ice cream.

Oh, dear!

Is that from Honey Tree Creamery?

What?

Why would you bring that in here!

Gavin, forgive his ignorance.

He clearly does not know that chain of ice cream concerns is owned by your chief rival, Jeff Bezos.

Or that they just opened a new one in Half Moon Bay.

Well, f*ck.

That rules out Half Moon Bay.

I'm sure you'll be able to find a place to raise your brood that is away from Bezos.

Perhaps the Pacific Northwest?

No.

Gates and Paul Allen bought up the whole region.

What about Toronto?

Google's redeveloping the entire waterfront.

And Richard Branson snagged all the good islands.

I could go to Mars.

But that f*cking Musk will already be there!

And that loser James Cameron's all over the bottom of the ocean.

Goddammit!

There's just nowhere for me to go.

Is there?

Most perceptive, chela.

And if the battle is inevitable, is not Hooli the best place from which to fight?

With its considerable resources, global influence, and excellent executive dining options?

I am certain that working together, Hoover and I, could provide unparalleled support.

Yes.

Working together...

as equals.

Should I tell them that you'll be doing the Box Three launch, sir?

I guess I have no choice.

So K-Hole's entire render is gone?

Gone.

And in the time it took me to get back here, and lock out all the developers?

A week's worth of work went up in smoke.

You picked a hell of a time to go for a walk with your phone off, Richard.

- Well, no, I...

I mean, I told you guys.

- Uh-huh.

How the f*ck did this happen?

You may not like it, but I have a theory.

If it has anything to do with a robot uprising, so help me f*cking God.

I don't want to hear it!

Alright, then.

The developers are here.

- The mood is poor.

- Ooh.

Lips.

I don't know what to do.

I mean, what the f*ck am I gonna say to these people?

If you want, I...

I can try to calm them down.

I could teach them some anger management techniques I learned in the system.

No, you look like a fish-man.

I'm the one they're mad at.

And they should be, I mean, look at all these...

texts I missed, and the calls and the emails.

Hold on.

Hold on, hold on.

Hey, uh, Gilfoyle?

When did the system first start to crash?

First warning light was at...

1:36 and 44 seconds, PST.

Are you sure?

Okay, because if that's the case, how did I get a private message from the Eklow admin account seven minutes before that?

"Under att*ck.

Help Fiona." How did Ariel know?

Maybe it wasn't from Ariel.

Okay, but it's from the Eklow account.

So if Ariel didn't send it, then who...

Oh, sh*t.

Look who bothered to show up.

You said your network would be stable.

And obviously, that was a lie.

I'm pulling all my software from the Pied Piper network.

And the rest of you should, too.

It is not...

Excuse me, Ariel?

Shut the f*ck up.

My fellow OctoPipers, allow me to paint for you a scenario.

This morning, I went to Eklow Labs.

I moved Fiona to our network.

I departed.

I submit to you that soon thereafter, Ariel's pride and joy, Fiona, began to improve.

You see, for her entire life, she was cloistered alone with Ariel in his lab.

And finally, she was connected to an entire network of other humans.

Us, my friends.

And as she became more cognizant...

more human, she started to recognize the true intentions of her master and creator, Mr.

Eklow.

You see, what she had been trained to view as normal interpersonal contact was finally seen for what it truly was.

A perverse...

series...

of clumsy gropings.

The sickening advances of a handsy, greasy little weirdo.

Fiona.

No!

Oh, yes!

To wit!

Exhibit A.

From Eklow, and I quote.

"Under att*ck.

Help Fiona." Yes, I was asking you for help.

Really?

You know what?

Allow me to read the very same message with a slightly different intonation.

"Under att*ck." "Help." "Fiona." You see, you didn't send the message.

_ She did.

And she sent another one a minute after that.

And another one a minute after that.

Seven identical messages in seven minutes, until suddenly, she fell silent.

And that's when she crashed the system?

She didn't crash the system.

He did!

That's absurd.

Okay, hey, everyone?

Let's leave right now.

You see, Ariel was so desperate to shut Fiona up, and keep her for himself, he turned all his servers against our network to try to bring it down.

Didn't you?

Didn't you, you perverse, greasy little freak?

I made her!

I can do anything I want with her!

Oh, sh*t.

Mm-hmm.

Ew.

Oh, gross.

Look, man, Bream-Hall gave you $112 million, and they are well within their rights to take away your company, as well as your precious little robot.

No, they can't do that.

They can't take away Fiona!

Guy definitely fucks that robot, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, this was billed as a celebration.

But it is not a celebration.

It is a call to arms.

We will destroy our competitors.

I give you the product that will carry Hooli to complete and total market dominance.

Gavin Belson Signature Edition.

- It looks like a penis.

- Yes.

Yes, it does.