05x06 - Artificial Emotional Intelligence

[bunniefuu]

I give you the product that will carry Hooli to complete market dominance.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

-MAN: (WHISPERS)

It looks like a penis.

-Yes...

Yes, it does.

So, we're giving a random company a bunch of free compute power in our network?

BERTRAM GILFOYLE: The AI company?

I made her!

I can do anything I want with her!

Ugh.

Gross.

Can you please tell me what you are going to do about this Jian Yang situation?

Yes.

Nothing.

"I went to China to do new new internet.

Jian Yang." Richard: This went up yesterday.

A fake Pied Piper.

This is Jian-Yang, not us.

Richard, he has a website.

Okay?

He doesn't have a product.

Just post a cease and desist on your own website and move on.

We need action.

I wanna move up our launch so we can b*at this assh*le to market.

We need money.

So, how quickly can we get a series B together?

Richard, a series B is not a done deal.

And Laurie's not gonna be able to weigh in on this until she's done sorting things out over at Eklow.

Why is she still over there?

We put 112 million of our dollars into a company whose creepy CEO just fled with its most valuable asset.

Ariel and that robot could be anywhere.

Ariel f*cked us too, remember?

I just had my whole company on a three-day code sprint to repair all the holes and un-f*ck all the damage he did.

Besides, Laurie doesn't work at Eklow.

She works here, with you and me.

True, but also not true.

Look, Laurie has installed herself as Eklow's interim CEO.

What?

Laurie, Ariel encrypted all of his files.

We can't open any of them.

Ah, understood.

Keep trying, please.

I spoke with the bank.

We're not gonna make payroll.

Noted.

Thank you for your diligence.

People are pretty upset.

Somebody shattered the toilet.

Ah, yes, well, we'll certainly have to get that repaired, won't we?

Good work, you two.

Hang in there.

♪ ♪ Hey, Laurie.

I know you're "busy" being a "CEO," but we have to have a serious conversation about...

(Laurie retching)

Laurie: Richard?

Yes?

I have vomited into my shirt.

(theme music playing)

Puking.

That's my move.

Thank you for...

finding me a...

a change of clothing.

Well, fortunately, you're the same size as the robot.

Richard, the position of CEO is...

taxing.

It isn't easy, is it?

I think perhaps I may have treated you unfairly in the past.

Oh..

(scoffs)

Well...

I mean, a couple-- a couple-- yeah.

Sure.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying that, yeah.

Yes.

Well, I have work to do, as do you, so.

(scoffs)

♪ ♪ (indistinct chattering)

You know, Laurie, I actually may have a way to help you here.

Yao: Things are changing in China now, Gavin.

There are many reforms.

As you see, we provide a series of Tai Chi and movement classes, free for all employees, as well as free medical benefits.

Ah, our nutrition center.

In addition to all the good food we serve in our main cafeteria.

Also free of charge.

This concludes our tour.

Any questions?

Just one.

What the f*ck?

Sorry?

If I wanted to see nap pods and climbing walls, I would've stayed home, or gone to f*cking Denmark.

All I wanna see is people working as hard as they possibly can.

That's why we come to China.

This is the new China.

We found that the more humane work environment we have, the more sustainable over time.

Over time?

No, no.

The Box Three has a very limited window of profitability.

I need you focused on making as many of them as possible, as fast as possible.

Gavin.

You know our shameful history of worker suicides.

Since the renovation, not a single one.

Gavin: Not even one?

Okay.

But there's gotta be like a middle ground here.

(woman speaks Chinese)

Ah, a happy surprise.

The children from our daycare center have prepared a traditional song just for you.

(singing in Chinese)

That's wonderful.

Yao, I need you to give me 30% more output.

I don't care how you do it.

Just a thought, those kids don't look that busy.

(singing continues)

(typing)

Are you done with...

your chunk yet?

Almost done.

Because everyone else is done.

Literally everyone.

(snoring)

47 engineers finished.

One not.

You.

Almost there.

I'm sure it'll be worth the wait.

(slurps)

Mmm, no, that's way too strong for him.

Hey, guys.

How's the code sprint going?

T-minus Dinesh.

Jared: Richard, I am pleased to say that your new assistant is a quick study.

And per your text, he posted a well-crafted cease and desist directed at Jian-Yang on the Pied Piper website.

I made some judicious edits to capture your voice, but the thrust of the piece was his.

I have a law degree, so.

Well done, Holden.

Is that tea for me?

It is, indeed.

Okay.

Great.

No, no, no, no, don't.

It's too strong.

Okay.

Water it down.

So, did you speak to Laurie about our series B?

Sort of.

Uh, Gilfoyle, is there a secure way of giving someone access to our servers while still limiting and controlling how much compute they could use?

I could create a credit system.

Wait, I'm sorry, Richard.

Who would these credits be for?

Laurie Bream.

She made herself CEO of Eklow.

I'm just trying to help her out.

Pardon?

Do you think you could set those up by today?

More work.

Fantastic.

Richard, I don't quite understand...

Dinesh: Done!

Done!

I am done!

(Dinesh laughing)

Look at this!

Whoo!

Code sprint over.

(gong rings)

(applause)

(gong quiets)

Uh, congratulations, everybody.

Really, good-- good job.

Um, the only thing left to do now is...

get back to work and review all the code for errors.

Okay, so...

(groaning)

Okay.

That was an out-of-body experience.

It was like God was coding through me.

Time stood still.

Not for the rest of us it didn't.

Laugh it up, Gilf.

I hear you making your little jokes at my expense, turning all the engineers against me.

But the second these results go up, they're all going to see the only thing that matters-- Who made less errors.

You mean who made "fewer" errors?

Oh, you think you're so clever.

You know who else thought it was clever?

The hare.

Right before it was defeated by the tortoise.

I'm the f*cking tortoise, Gilfoyle.

I'm the f*cking tortoise!

Keep saying that.

I can't wait for these results to go up.

Guys?

No, no, no.

We talked about this.

Remember?

You're both senior management now.

Okay?

Your code will be subject to private review.

No.

No, no, no, not private.

Everyone has to know that I'm better than Gilfoyle.

I'm sorry.

When it was just us, a little cocksmanship was a fun diversion.

But the entire engineering team's morale depends on seeing you both as equally competent leaders.

Danny over there is going to be reviewing your code, and keeping the results completely confidential.

Jared...

I believe we all know who's the better coder anyway.

Um, Richard?

I'm sorry, I'm still having a little bit of a hard time understanding.

You went to see Laurie to get money from her but now you're giving our resources to her.

Why would you do that?

Well, honestly Jared, she was a mess.

And I really, genuinely felt bad for her.

For Laurie?

Yup.

Richard, you have an enormous heart.

And I don't mean in the same way my deceased friend Gloria did, which the doctors should have really caught because her knuckles were gargantuan.

But do you think in this instance, you might have allowed your emotions to cloud your business instincts?

Well, I would argue that I made a very good business decision.

Because now, Laurie is on our side.

Which will play out very nicely when we negotiate our series B.

Okay, Richard, it is important to develop emotional self-discipline for situations like this.

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes you have to numb yourself.

If you wanna work the corner, you can't fall in love every time you turn a trick.

That's why you do the oxy.

What I'm saying is if you ever need to develop strategies to cultivate more emotional self-control, obviously I do have some experience.

You do?

Doubtless you've noticed that I've been pulling away from you.

Uh, no-- no, I can't...

honestly say that I have.

Look at Holden out there.

You think I didn't love making your tea?

Who wouldn't?

But, when you anointed me COO, I learned to stop investing those feelings in you for the good of the company.

Call it emotional abstinence.

Jared, look, um, in regards to the whole Laurie thing, I actually think I made the right call.

Alright.

Alright.

Well, I am available.

Not emotionally, obviously.

Got it.

(street noise)

Ooh, there's a highly rated new dim sum establishment in this neighborhood.

Sir, Richard Hendricks just posted a cease and desist letter.

"...unlawful copying of Pied Piper's proprietary software." Are you f*cking kidding me?

That idiot let someone steal his code, so now there might be two companies working to make my box obsolete?

I'll try to find out who's responsible.

Good luck.

HooliMaps says dim sum is that way.

Right turn, please.

(tires screech)

(both yelling in Chinese)

Gavin: Look!

Pied Piper!

Follow that Chinese man.

The Chinese man on the bicycle.

The Chinese man on the bicycle in the green Pied Piper t-shirt.

Ah.

Gavin: Hurry, hurry!

Come on!

Don't lose him.

(clicking tongue)

Hey dude, how's it goin'?

How's that...

review going?

Probably done, right?

'Cause it took you no time counting up the bugs in my stuff?

'Cause I crushed it so hard?

Compared to Gilfoyle?

Right?

I get it.

I get it.

It's a secret.

Company morale.

I'm so on board.

I did crush him, right?

He did better than me?

Oh my God.

This is my worst f*cking nightmare.

But not by a lot, right?

He didn't like kick my ass?

He kicked my ass?

That fucker!

Just f*cking tell me.

Just f*cking tell me how much he kicked my ass by.

Please just f*cking tell me.

I'm not gonna beg.

I'm not gonna beg.

Please?

Please?

Please?

Please?

Please?

Please?

Just please tell me, please.

Okay, fine!

You just have to swear not to tell anyone, okay?

I swear I won't tell anyone.

Everyone, everyone.

I have a very important announcement to make.

My code was better than Gilfoyle's.

So it's official.

Gilfoyle is a much worse coder than me.

I want you all to look at him.

Good.

Terrible.

Role model.

Hateful pile of trash.

Bullshit.

Says who?

Danny told me.

He wasn't supposed to.

Supposed to be a secret but he told me and now everyone's laughing at you.

(Dinesh laughing mockingly)

Everyone's laugh...

Danny.

What the f*ck is going on?

Did his code actually have less errors than mine?

I don't know what to tell you.

I checked it three times.

And it's "fewer" errors.

Ooh!

This is the best day of my life!

Congratulations.

Thank you.

I feel bad for gloating.

In all seriousness, that means a lot to me.

To show you I'm a gracious winner, I'll take you to a nice restaurant.

Your favorite kind of restaurant.

A "mis-steak" house!

Boom!

Get it?

'Cause you suck.

(laughing)

(sighs)

(door closes)

(knocking)

Yes?

Ni hao.

Do you know who I am?

No.

Okay, okay.

Well, I'm the one who accidentally struck one of your employees with my car earlier and it's a personal habit of mine to make things right.

So...

Do you mind if I come in?

♪ ♪ Okay, what else?

Uh, Colin from K-Hole Games called, checking in on the restore.

Put him on the phone sheet.

Next?

Uh, Laurie Bream said that she received the compute credits and to say thank you.

You see?

Business and compassion are not mutually exclusive.

In fact, sometimes going out of your way to help a fellow colleague can actually put you further ahead in business.

Let that be a lesson to you, young Holden.

I'm 30.

And, uh, the CEO of a company called the Gigglybots called.

He wants to know how to redeem the compute credits he just bought from Laurie Bream.

What?

Ariel was apprehended this morning shoplifting machine oil from an auto parts store in Turlock.

There was, however, no sign of Fiona.

And with her missing, I have no need for compute power therefore no need for your compute credits.

Selling them, I think you'll certainly agree, was merely a practical business decision.

Okay, but, I gave you those credits as a gift.

I was helping you.

You were vomiting, remember?

Ah, yes.

Admittedly a moment of weakness.

However, immediately after your departure I consumed two egg whites and a green bean and regained my composure.

Laurie, when someone gives you a gift and you don't want it, you give it back.

Okay?

You don't just go sell that gift to the next f*cking highest bidder-- Richard, mind your tone.

Your lack of emotional discipline is troubling.

You need to work on this.

Or I may have serious doubts about granting you your series B.

(chatting in Chinese)

Gavin: A lot of computers in here.

I dabble a bit in tech myself.

All these people working here.

You must have something coming to market soon.

No.

We have trouble with the government.

I've heard that.

I mean, to even operate an online platform inside the People's Republic of China you need a government-issued ICP license, right?

I left a good life.

Free rent.

Great friends.

To fail in China?

We try to rewrite code, but government still won't give us license.

Maybe we'll quit.

Try something else.

Do you like octopus?

Gavin: I do.

Is that what you're working on?

That's a decentralized network, huh?

Wait, what did you do there?

Looks like you removed the data federation servers.

Yes.

And added multicasting and data projections.

Why?

That wouldn't work.

It works.

Works fine.

Jian-Yang: Government still does not like it.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the tour.

Ah, Gavin.

Dim sum closes in 40 minutes.

Holy sh*t!

Holy f*cking sh*t!

That brilliant little idiot.

He found a way around the patent.

Sir?

It's Hendricks' Internet, but it's not Hendricks' Internet.

I want to share in your excitement, sir, but I really don't follow.

That guy in there, he took Hendricks' software and changed it.

So much so that it shouldn't work.

But it does.

He showed me the demo.

And here's the thing, it's different enough that Hendricks' patent won't cover it.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm f*cking sure.

I wrote that patent, Hoover!

I've got a hundred engineers back at Hooli trying to get around it.

They failed.

But somehow that monosyllabic moron just stumbled into it.

I need that kid's code.

I hope that book you're reading is for work.

Oh, absolutely...

But if you wanna read for fun, you should read Gilfoyle's favorite author, George "Error" Martin.

Hear that?

We're all making jokes at your expense.

Is that what's happening?

As your supervisor, I wanted to inform you that there is a first aid kit, but if you need blood, don't go to Gilfoyle 'cause he's type-O.

Typo!

(laughs)

They love it.

They're all laughing at you.

Pixar's hit animated motion picture "Toy Story." Pixar's hit animated motion picture "Toy Story." (elevator dings)

Pixar's...

oh hey!

Were you guys talking about Pixar's hit animated motion picture "Toy Story"?

No.

'Cause Gilfoyle's favorite character is "Bugs" Lightyear.

(laughing)

We're all laughing at you, Gilfoyle.

Monica (on phone): Are you still at Eklow?

Uh, no.

I'm back at the office.

You know, Jared was right.

I showed compassion to someone who deserves none.

Nothing is personal with Laurie.

Alright?

It's what makes her such a great VC.

And in all candor, a very challenging business partner.

I gotta be honest, it's really nice not having her in the office.

Yeah, well, now I have to buy my own compute credits back with money I don't have...

It's that one.

...which was the whole point of getting series B.

I'm telling you, unless you have money you can't get-- (honks horn)

Excuse me.

Richard.

Hello.

I'm gonna have to call you back.

Richard?

What the-- Pied Piper, right?

Uh, yeah.

What is she doing here?

How did she-- Credit card works, I don't ask questions.

Well this is f*cking weird.

I've seen weirder.

Driver: So should I just...

leave it on the sidewalk or what?

$50,000 for the whole thing.

All you have to do is give me your hard drive with the code base on it.

Oh, and the underlying rights to the code in perpetuity throughout the universe.

Sign there.

No.

Okay.

I like the way you negotiate.

$100,000.

Final offer.

Take it or leave it.

(speaking Chinese)

(laughter)

He said, "If oil company wants to buy your house, there is oil underneath." But, I'm not an oil company.

No, you are Gavin Belson.

Oh, so you do know who I am.

I'm smart.

Just name your price.

I'm not going to sell you my code until I know why you want it.

Good-bye.

Hello.

Whoa.

This is so cool.

So, uh...

apparently Ariel and I were the only people that talked to her and he's in jail.

So...

she came looking for me at Pied Piper.

And you brought her here?

Can we keep it?

No.

No, we cannot.

Richard, she's stolen property.

And she's worth a fortune.

We-- we have to take her back to Laurie.

Fiona, what's 12 times 157?

Twelve times 157 is 1,884.

(gasps)

So cool.

Hey, is she right?

(phone chimes)

Hey Siri, what's 12 times 157?

Siri: It's 1,884.

Oh, no way!

Richard-- No, no, no.

Look.

You were right.

I was lacking in emotional discipline.

And I'm not gonna let that happen again.

From now on, I'm leaving my emotions off the f*cking table, baby!

Okay, but-- Laurie's gonna get her robot back.

Tomorrow.

After she gives us something in return.

A signed series B term sheet.

Laurie Bream, please.

Oh, you bet your f*cking ass, I'll hold.

Gavin: I'm not asking you to cut off his testicles and shove 'em down his throat, sh**t him in the back of the head Triad style.

I just need you to get this kid's code for me.

By whatever means necessary.

That is to say through extortion or threats.

Well...

Gavin.

As I told you, this is new China.

Things have changed.

You're telling me you run a factory this big and you have no connections to the Party?

No way to help this kid see the light?

Come on!

Look, Yao, either you convince this kid to sell his code to me, or I'm pulling my box contract and I'm taking it somewhere else.

There are plenty of other countries in this part of the world with cheap labor pools.

There's no new Bangladesh.

There's just Bangladesh.

(sighs)

I'll see what I can do.

Excellent.

Jared, I told Laurie that we'd get Fiona back to Eklow around 9:00.

So, when you get here just pull up to the garage and we'll...

Oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t, oh sh*t!

She's gone!

She escaped.

How the f*ck did she...

What?

Wait, where?

Jared: It's kind of hard to explain, but...

a campfire smells sad and exciting at the same time.

Fiona: I understand.

Yeah?

(laughs)

Hey.

Hey!

What are you doing out here?

Oh, uh, well...

a few hours into our conversation, Fiona mentioned she'd never seen the ocean.

So I thought about driving her there but then I realized since it was dark she wouldn't really appreciate its majesty so I brought her out here to the pool.

So you've just been out here all night, talking...

to a robot?

Fiona, would you excuse us for a second?

Yes.

Come on.

Come here.

Okay.

I know that Fiona is a man-made piece of digital equipment Okay.

powered by artificial intelligence.

Good.

But the level of that intelligence is-- it's gobsmacking!

I mean, I don't remember ever having a conversation like the one I've been having with her over the last 12 hours.

Twelve hours?

We have so much in common.

We discussed our phobias.

I told her that I was afraid of being found out as a fraud.

And she told me that she's afraid of magnets.

Look, Richard, we felt a connection.

It's funny.

The past few weeks, I've been feeling irritable and short-tempered and here I am on no sleep at all and I just feel...

woo-hoo-hoo!

You know?

Hey, Jared?

Yes, sir?

You know how you've been practicing, your words, "emotional abstinence" on me?

Yeah-huh.

Yuh-huh.

Okay.

Well, do you think that it's maybe at all possible that because of this, you've got some pent-up emotional energy and last night you had the chance to release some of that pent-up emotional energy onto the robot?

Her name is Fiona.

Alright, well, I'm shutting her down and returning her.

Wait, wait, wait.

Okay.

What if we didn't give her back?

What if we called Laurie?

We could negotiate some kind of a deal.

Jared, whatever happened to emotional discipline, right?

Feelings, and business...

It's over man.

Okay?

It's over.

(sighs heavily)

Okay, stop looking at me, please.

Just look-- look up there.

(whirring)

It's daytime, but I can see the moon.

♪ ♪ Okay, do you want to-- do you want to ride with us while we take her back to Eklow?

Oh yes!

Playground games.

Gilfoyle likes to play "Suck Suck Goose." Oh!

Or it could be "Duck Duck Goofs." Danny?

Do those qualify as two separate insults?

Uh, yeah.

I believe they do.

(gong rings)

Why did he gong?

Because I told the engineers that if you thought you had won, which you definitely have not, it would take you less than 24 hours to cobble together 200 uniquely terrible insults.

Which you have just done.

That is why I had Danny tell you you won.

Is that true, Danny?

Did Gilfoyle really...

b*at me?

Private audit.

Can't say.

So we don't know who actually won?

The code contest, no.

But, while you were running around racking your tiny brain for shitty insults, I was quietly plodding towards this victory.

You see...

it is I who am the tortoise.

And you are the hairy Arab who can now chortle my balls.

(gong rings)

(applause)

What's happening?

Why did you do that?

Right after you forced me to set Dinesh up, I told the other engineers that if you won you'd immediately insult Dinesh by saying something sexually demeaning or r*cist.

And you just did both.

I see.

Fun at my expense.

Now if it's alright with upper management, we have a sh*t ton of work to do.

Yeah, like so frickin' much.

Assholes.

I wanna fire Danny.

Do it.

I'll ask Richard.

We are at Eklow Labs.

Yes, we are.

The site of my creation.

Richard?

Do you think if I asked, they would let me visit her?

Jared, she's gonna be okay.

Alright?

She's gonna be plugged back into her old servers, surrounded by familiar engineers, sitting on the table where she was born.

I promise.

She's going to be fine.

(drilling)

Extreme care with the optical sensors, gentlemen.

Boston Dynamics needs them overnighted.

Richard: I don't understand.

Fiona is this company's most valuable asset.

Yes, and as such she will garner the highest return when I have her dismantled and sold off for parts.

So you're just gonna take all this promising tech and liquidate it?

Yes.

As quickly as I'm able.

Dude, check it out.

(blubbering)

I'm a robot.

(laughs)

Richard, being a CEO is a terrible waste of time.

And a horrible way to make a living.

(drilling continues)

I'll be returning to Bream-Hall immediately.

(objects clattering)

Speaking of...

as promised.

A term sheet for your series B.

Congratulations, Richard.

Thank you.

See?

Silver lining.

(chuckles)

I told you-- Wait, uh.

Hey, Jared...

Don't-- Don't go over there.

Don't look in that.

Jared: Oh, Fiona...

Come on, let's...

(moans)

Let's get out of here, huh?

What do you say we go to the office and you can make me some tea?

That might make you feel better?

So, did he sign?

(door closes)

It's done.

f*ck yes!

How'd you get him to do it?

I made it clear it would be better for him to hand over the company and leave town immediately.

That's some old Chinese sh*t right there.

I told you, you're a badass, Yao.

Wait, this lists you as the buyer, not me.

So, what's the plan here?

You're gonna sign it over to me then?

Gavin, I'm afraid I will no longer be able to manufacture your boxes.

You see, my company will be too busy manufacturing a new device, built on a radically better technology that I now own that will quickly render yours obsolete.

Here in China, and, according to the U.S.

patent office, in America as well.

(woman speaking in Chinese)

Oh, the children have returned to sing for you.

(singing in Chinese)

(speaks Chinese)

♪ My chains, new gold watch, made in China ♪ ♪ We play ping pong ball, made in China ♪ ♪ The bitch mother says pay, made in China ♪ ♪ Yeah Higher Brothers' black car, made in China ♪ ♪ She said that she didn't love me ♪ ♪ She said that she didn't love me ♪ ♪ She said that she didn't love me ♪ ♪ She lied, she lied ♪ ♪ She all made in China ♪ ♪ She all made in China ♪ ♪ She all made in China ♪ ♪ She lied, she lied ♪ (singing in Chinese)

(continues singing in Chinese)

(continues singing in Chinese)

♪ She lied, she lied ♪ DINESH CHUGTAI: I need to maintain my Tesla superiority.

Any one of these millennials can buy one.

How would you feel if your neighbors got a Tiki head bigger than yours?

♪ (HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ JARED DUNN: I've been keeping track of the credits that you gave to Laurie.

If we buy them back, how much would it cost?

-One-point-six-million dollars.

-What?

BERTRAM GILFOYLE: You want an alternative to Laurie Bream?

Well, it's Pied Piper coin.

MONICA HALL: Before you walk away, there's a friend you should talk to.

-You did 36 ICOs?

Did they work?

-Yup.

It's not always about money.

Sometimes, it's about wisdom.

So, you lost it all?

(LAUGHS)

Richard!

If I didn't love this crazy guy so much, I'd knock his teeth out.

♪ (MUSIC CONTINUES)

♪