[rock music playing]
[cheering]
[static]
[expl*si*n]
[rhythmic knocking]
[knocking on door]
Uh.
Okay, no bullshit.
That was the last time I'm doing blow.
Mr.
Reynolds?
Are you okay?
Hey, pal.
Wow, that was some party I had last night.
Your party was a week and a half ago.
Vic: Whoa.
It's Monday the 16th?
Oh, sh1t, I traveled forward in time, man.
This day was important to me, I...
I think.
You go back to work at the radio station today.
Well, that's right.
You really know the news.
It's written all over your house.
[snoring]
I got to get me a memo pad.
I better give little Vic a business scrub and get to the Kwock.
You owe me for last week's papers!
Take a gold record.
Bobby Sherman or worse!
["Come and Get Your Love" playing]
♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [grunts]
Ah!
♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ ♪ Come and get your love Come and get your love ♪ ♪ Come and get your love now ♪ [boom]
Oh, look.
Aw, it's the pj's Bill was wearing when he took his first steps.
Oh, and it's still got the blood stain from where he hit his tiny little head on the corner of that glass table.
[both laugh]
I'm so glad I decided to get this room together today.
I know I've been feeling down about the baby, but seeing the kids' old stuff is already getting me excited about this next chapter.
Ah, luckily, I never donated these to the flood victims.
You see?
You can care too much, Sue.
I should break my promises more often.
You also promised you'd finish this room.
[wind howling]
Don't you worry, I'll finish the room.
Just got to put that wall up.
Put a window in, wire it, paint, wallpaper, and then tear it down because I forgot to put the insulation in, blame it on Kevin, and do it all over again.
[squeaking]
Ah, damn it.
Major!
Squirrel!
Go get the squirrel!
Go get the squirrel!
[barking]
[laughs]
That dumb dog will believe anything.
This book has it all, short people, tall people, beards.
It's endless.
Ew.
Why is this the fourth-grade play?
Ugh.
This seems more like fifth-grade material.
Ah, what will the stork bring us?
Another princess or the son I always wanted?
It could be twins.
You shut your mouth!
Dad, I think there's something wrong with Vic.
He's trash, Bill.
Okay, paddy wagon's leaving!
Ah, Christ, it's your first hockey practice today, isn't it?
I'll duck out of work early to help coach.
[groans]
You don't have to.
You only volunteered because you hate Grandpa.
I volunteered because I wanted to.
I can hate Grandpa and love you.
[groans]
I just need a ride.
You don't have to be there.
God!
Look, I said I'd do it, and I meant it!
I'll be there!
Frank Murphy's a man of his word!
You told Mom you'd watch me in the pool.
For the one-hundredth time, I was drunk.
[scoffs]
So you can't help Mrs.
Breckman at my play auditions like you promised?
Oh, Christ, is that today too?
I promise I'll come to whatever it is you're doing next time.
You like Bill better than me.
Don't you ever say that!
I'm doing Bill's thing because he's this close to turning into another Kevin.
There can be only one Kevin Murphy.
That's a chance I am not willing to take.
Are we going or not?
Ah, I should've got my nuts snipped.
Hey, Grandpa.
Grandpa!
Ho, there are my little acorns!
Aw, sh1t.
Got back from Cleveland last night.
I bought you a puzzle.
Lake Erie Sunrise.
It's all black, so it should be hard to do.
Yeah!
I love puzzles!
You can make goo-goo eyes at the king of amnesia later.
Let's go!
You got hockey today, Billy?
I'll come watch.
Great!
No-ho-ho, you won't.
The last thing he needs is you heckling and laughing at him.
Now, why would I do that to such a sweet, innocent child?
I have been asking myself that question for the last 30 years.
Well, you're always harassing us, Dad.
Oh, I do not!
Christ, I'm molding your undeveloped minds, you f*cking ingrates!
Here is what's gonna happen today.
I'll pick you up after school and coach you at practice.
Then I'll take you home after your auditions.
Then I'll probably have to bail you out of jail for getting your arm stuck in a gumball machine you're trying to rob, you f*cking moron, because that is what a good father does!
[chuckles]
So emotional.
Just like his mother.
Stop reading!
Oh!
d*ck!
It's a modern wonder that your cow survived having her larynx torn out by a monkey.
She's my little miracle.
Isn't that right, Heidi?
[mechanical moo]
Oh, I love a happy ending.
One box down.
Let's see what's next.
[gasps]
[crying]
Harold dumped me.
And after I let him into my Mickey Blouse Club.
I thought he was the one.
Oh, Gert, forget Harold.
You're too young to get tied down anyway.
You have your law studies.
I don't care about law!
[sobs]
I just want a man to grab me and throw me around like I'm nothing.
Nobody determines your self-worth but you.
You're smart.
You're beautiful.
You're talented.
You're confused...
but you and I are Sigmas, and that means we're gonna do great things, and no man can stop...
[horn honks]
Oh, Frank's here!
[Sue groans]
Hey, Alice, thanks a lot.
That was a great book.
My favorite part was that they didn't wear shoes.
Wow, you read it all in a week?
Did I do it wrong?
No, I'm really impressed.
That's a hard book.
I knew you were just being humble when you said you were dumb.
Yeah, I should stop bragging about that.
[bell rings]
Well, have a great day.
Hey, stay on your path.
Your ring awaits you.
[stammers]
And I hope you k*ll a bunch of orcs.
You know, for all the trouble this thing has been, it'd be a real letdown if nobody tries to bring a g*n on a plane.
Let's fire her up!
[whirring]
I don't think it's supposed to do that.
Anyone else itchy?
Hey, Frank, mind if I try out a couple of ideas for my campaign speech at The Sons of the Daughters of the American Revolution?
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Great, great.
This can't be right.
I want to talk about issues that unite us.
Better trash pickup, shutting off the fire hydrants, rebuilding the rec center we b*rned down after the Rustys lost that playoff game.
Investigating how Frank Murphy got his wife pregnant with that shamrock-potato-famine baby d*ck.
Mm-hmm, good.
Good stuff.
[groans]
You're not listening to me!
I'm trying to do something important here.
You're right.
You're right.
I'm sorry, Rosie.
It's just...
I am really under the g*n today.
I've got to do all my paperwork and Pogo's.
And I got to leave at 2:30 to coach my kid's hockey team that I volunteered for like a moron.
Meanwhile, I got to make sure Huey and Dewey over here don't burn the airport down trying to put in that f*cking X-ray machine.
Hey, listen, my braces are picking up the police scanner.
[static]
Man: Go ahead, grab it.
The safety's on.
I understand, Frank.
I'm just trying to be the first black man to represent my district since my people were metaphorically freed from sl*very.
I had no idea you were carrying the burden of having to take your white children to extracurricular activities.
Ah, thanks, pal.
I'll let you slide this time, Frank.
Plus, things should get easier for you.
Pogo's coming back from his heart att*ck today.
Oh, my God, do you mean it?
Wally in the control tower just radioed that he saw Pogo's car turning off Lindbergh Baby Boulevard.
Oh-ho, he's back!
g*dd*mn it, did I miss that useless piece of sh1t.
Man: Officer down!
Officer down!
[static]
How bad are you hurt?
Now we all had our problems with Pogo in the past, but let's try to be nice to him.
Poor guy's been through hell.
His toilet's been through worse.
[all laughing]
Pogo's so fat, he uses cookie dough for deodorant!
[all laughing]
His titties have titties!
Oh, man, you got it!
Dave: Oh, sh1t, here he comes!
Okay, that's it.
Leave the fat b*st*rd alone.
[Pogo grunting]
All: Oh!
[Pogo grunts]
Oh, my God, he melted.
[in raspy voice]
Hello, my dear friends.
[gasps]
It lifted my spirits to see you all smiling as I drove up.
We...
We were happy that...
you look so good.
I'm so glad to be back and...
[gasps]
...feeling great.
I cheated death, and here I am...
[gasps]
...the picture of health.
[all scream]
Ah, sh1t!
Don't be alarmed.
It's just my residual stomach skin.
The technical term is a panniculus, but I've named it Gordon.
[gasps]
Back to sleep, my friend.
Bob, you should go home.
This is my home.
The thought of coming back to Mohican is what kept me alive.
Along with the kidneys of a young Salvadorian poet.
[gasps]
I'm going to Mrs.
Dunbarton and tell her I'm reporting for duty.
Okay, I'll drive you.
[engine revs]
[engine revs]
I think Gordon is caught in the wheels.
A man has three jobs.
He teaches school 40 hours a week, sells shoes every night from four to nine, and fishes coins out of municipal fountains on weekends.
How many hours a week is he working to pay alimony to his ex-wife and her new girlfriend?
I thought, when couples dressed alike, it was a sign of how much they loved each other.
Well, don't all shout the answer out at once, Nobel laureates.
Let's see what brain excrement the rock star is dropping in my classroom now.
Hey, give it back!
Take a good look, dumb-dumbs.
This is what you get when you fritter away your life and mine by...
Taking notes in class and getting the answer right?
I did.
I got one right.
Oh, my God.
I finally reached a student.
Is Durkin crying?
He's showing weakness!
Riot!
We don't need you anymore!
Kevin is our teacher now!
Bask in my excellence!
[grunts]
Aw, sh1t, my car!
[rock music playing]
Cindy Lou, I love you.
Cocaine Charlie, how's the wife and kids?
Mort the good sport, bringing Vic back.
Top of the morning, buddy.
Well, it's 11:50.
But I'm feeling jovial, so I'll allow it.
I'm thrilled you're back and part of our new team, led by the visionary program director we brought in from the coast, Sandy Calabasas.
The legend himself, Vic Reynolds.
Oh, man, I never thought I'd see the day where I'd be working alongside you.
I bow down.
You are one of the all-time greats, man.
I'm so very psyched to meet you, Sandy.
My balls are humming "hallelujah." My testicles are also enthused.
Well, I'll leave you two "groovy buddies" to partake in "rock 'n' roll" activities.
Is that a real shark?
It's a real painting of one.
That's even better.
I'm so happy to be home.
Thanks for letting me be a part of what you're doing here.
Part of it?
Brother, you're not a part of it.
You're a piece of it.
That sounds like the same thing, man.
Vic, you're gonna program your own block of airtime that's just for you and your type of music.
Oh, man.
I'm honored.
Get a load of this.
Sandy over tape player: Vic Reynolds presents the Kwock Oldies Block!
Sunday mornings, right before mandated community programming!
Jingle singers: ♪ Mandated community programming ♪ You're making me the oldies guy?
[stammers]
I'm 30.
The years go by so fast, don't they?
Vic, I was brought here to turn this sinking ship right-side up.
That means finding a brand-new sound to put us back on top again.
The kind of sound that rocks your chakras from the root to the crown!
Man, I'm gonna figure out what that is, and I'm gonna do it.
[chuckles]
Leave that to me.
You blazed the trail, Vic.
Let a younger man walk it.
Here, let me get you a chair and a blanket.
I look so young there.
My therapist is making me play hockey to deal with my anger issues.
I don't want to hurt kids.
I just want to draw hurting kids.
It won't be so bad, Phillip.
Stick by me.
I won't let anything happen to you.
Hi, Bill, how's it going?
Ah, sh1t.
Leave him alone, psycho.
I don't blame you for hating me.
I've been mean to you, Bill.
I'm just jealous that you're so smart.
Thanks, I guess.
Um, could you help me with some geography?
The capital of Thailand is Hong Kong, right?
No, Bangkok.
Bangkok!
Ow, my balls!
Why?
[children laughing]
You stupid f*ck!
[moaning]
[laughs]
Bob, you came back at the perfect time.
Mohican needs its captain at the helm.
Is he asleep?
I'm here, Mrs.
Dunbarton.
My eyelid skin is so heavy it's hard to keep them open.
Well, I'm glad you're awake.
This is a tough time for Mohican.
Profits are down, fuel prices are up, and those X-ray machines have really set us back.
The government has no right to force us to put those in after just a few hijackings.
I mean, one expl*si*n, they lose their head.
Whoa.
[sighs]
Mrs.
Dunbarton, I am so sorry.
It's okay.
I remember Roger the way he'd want to be remembered.
With his throat un-slit.
But we all have to sacrifice to get through these lean times.
I myself have to leave now to shut down one of Roger's beloved charities.
Those poor bus station runaways will never get their breast implants.
I know Tits for Tots meant a lot to him.
It saved my life.
Thank you.
God bless.
Well, Bob, I'll see you later.
I got to get out of here.
Do me a kindness.
[panting]
Walk me back to my office, would you, Frank?
Yeah, sure.
[Pogo gasps]
I just have to leave at 2:45 at the latest to pick up my kid.
[grunts]
You're an angel.
[panting]
Uh...
How do I work this?
Just pretend I'm your daughter on her wedding day and my back skin is her long, extravagant train.
[rock music playing]
We are midway through a non-stop power hour of power!
If you're driving, don't hit those brakes!
[howls]
[buzz]
Vic, if you just sit there like that all day, I'm gonna k*ll myself.
He sticks me with the oldies?
After I told him my balls were humming?
Does that mean nothing anymore?
Vic, I got a wife to support.
And I got a really sick dog.
He got the parvo bad, man.
So I need this job.
But you're rich.
So quit!
It's not the money.
I'm all alone in that big house.
I got nobody in my life, except my best friend Frank.
I got to prove to Sandy that I can find a new sound, that I still mean something.
Because without this place, I don't have anything to live for.
Vic, you got to look at this differently.
It's like what my father told me when I was being shipped off to 'Nam.
He said, "Henry, my son... " [buzz]
Get down to Quint City Auto Center and take a test drive for a chance to win a book of green stamps!
Lick 'em till they moan!
[bell rings]
[indistinct chatter]
Good luck at the auditions.
Too bad everybody hates you 'cause your mom helped that Chinese lady k*ll her husband.
Our neighbor k*lled her husband because he took the TV away!
Oh, come on, Dad.
Where are you?
g*dd*mn it!
[Pogo wheezing]
Frank: Just a few more steps, Bob.
Here we go.
Here we go.
[grunts]
There, all set for your nap, okay?
[stammers]
I really have to go now.
[grunting]
Aw, Christ, hold on!
Don't hit the floor!
[grunts]
[horn sounds]
Yeah!
All right, you little frozen f*cks!
I want to see some physical play.
First kid to bring me a tooth doesn't have to skate Russian circles.
Come on out, Phil.
I'm scared, Papa.
[whining]
Ow!
My shame triangle.
Well, this one's f*cking worthless.
You're the goalie.
[grunts]
[screaming]
[horn sounds]
Way to go, Philly, you scored one!
[whistle blows]
Split up for scrimmage!
Jimmy, play center!
My wrath will not discriminate!
Murphy, right wing!
Murphy!
Where the f*ck is Bill Murphy?
g*dd*mn him.
Ugh, it's my fault for believing he'd keep his word.
Sorry, I'm late, Mr.
Munson.
I thought I saw a dollar in a storm drain.
[grunting]
Bless you, Frank.
Bob, I got to go.
I got this f*cking pain-in-the-ass thing with my kid's hockey team.
I understand.
Be with your boy.
Ah, it's just I wasn't thinking, and I got roped into volunteering...
You've got to do what feeds your soul, Frank.
When I was in that hospital, I spent six whole weeks with my wife and sons at my side.
It reminded me what I truly love in this life...
my job.
Your job?
But your family...
I got so sick of them, crying at my bedside, eating the chocolates that were meant for me!
[gasps]
Dolores washing my feet and reading to me even after I pretended to go into a coma.
[gasps]
No, Frank, the only peace I've ever had in my life has been at this desk.
My beautiful desk.
Bob, no.
It's family that matters.
What the f*ck is wrong with me?
I want to be with my son.
I'm already late to pick him up.
I got to go!
Whoa!
Ah!
Frank?
Christ, I'm so late.
Frank, can I go over that speech?
Taking my kid to an extracurricular!
Aw, f*ck you, man!
Mister, I can't find my mommy.
She's getting tit-f*cked on the tarmac!
Bill!
Bill Murphy!
Has anybody seen my son?
He's not here.
His old man left him high and dry and soaking wet.
sh1t!
[tires squeal]
[chuckles]
sh1t, sh1t, sh1t!
sh1t!
Assistant Coach Murphy coming through!
Dad's here, Bill!
I waited in the rain for you!
Where were you?
Christ, Bill, I'm sorry.
I got stuck at work.
The X-ray machine sucks, my boss is a skin monster, teens aren't getting their tits, but I'm here now.
I told you not to come, and then you made a big deal about it, and you still didn't come.
It was better when you weren't pretending to try.
I have to go back to practice.
Hang on, hang on.
[grunts]
[gasps]
[laughs]
His face is having its period!
Don't worry, son, it's probably just a concussion.
Go home and take it easy.
If you find yourself nodding off, just let it happen.
Bill, are you okay?
Ah, when the hell did you get here?
I've been here the whole time, just like I said I would.
Grandpa, can you take me home?
At least one kid on this team knows what he's doing.
[moaning]
Great job, Bonfiglio!
With that melon head, you're a natural goalie!
Ah!
[all cheer]
I did something good.
Ah!
Come on, Dad.
Where are you?
Nice audition, Maureen.
I didn't realize you were illiterate.
Mm!
Ow!
You almost tripped me.
Say you're sorry.
Go suck your mother's d*ck.
At least I have a mother.
Your mom d*ed 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.
Hey, Amy!
I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and sh1ts in the hole, and then f*cks your mom in the grave, and your mom says, "Ooh, that's the best grave sh1t f*cking I've ever had, Bigfoot!
What are you doing Thursday?" [panting]
[melancholic music playing]
[weeping]
I won't let her say that about you.
[blues music playing]
[gasps]
Maureen!
g*dd*mn it, I'll show him I still got it.
I'm Vic!
Hank over radio: Don't miss Grandpa Vic Reynolds with the oldies Sunday morning, presented by Turteltaub and Sons Denture Glue!
[howls]
Now you can eat corn!
Hey.
Huh, you're still in here.
I never left.
I might never leave again.
Oh, Sue.
Well, at least somebody had a good day.
Yeah.
Lucky rat.
Frank!
Oh.
Sorry.
Ah.
♪ I was his first-born son ♪ ♪ But my daddy done sold me for a g*n ♪ Having you around makes me feel good about my life.
Sorry I'm late.
I got detention because I got a math question right.
Hey, I wrote a new song while this kid was having a bike chain fight with the teacher.
You want to hear it?
I don't have time for that, Kev.
I have to be home in two hours to whack off to Rhoda.
No, no, it's only three minutes.
Whoa, let's hear it.
Cool.
It's about my new positive outlook on life.
It's called "My New Positive Outlook on Life." ♪ I'm walking on a cloud And I'm happy as sh1t ♪ ♪ Feeling like a plane With a party in the cockpit ♪ ♪ I'm dancing on a pizza And my house is big ♪ ♪ I got a monkey for a pet And he's wearing a wig ♪ ♪ Because I'm Mr.
Happy Guy ♪ ♪ Mr.
Twinkle in My Eye ♪ ♪ The sun is out, my pits are dry ♪ ♪ And nothing's gonna k*ll me ♪ ♪ Because I'm Mr.
Happy Guy ♪ ♪ I didn't even get that high...
♪ Hey, that song rocks.
Nobody's gonna tell me a 30-year-old can't find a new sound.
Ew, you're 30?
♪ I'm Mr.
Happy Guy ♪ ♪ Mr.
Twinkle in My Eye ♪ ♪ The sun is out, my pits are dry ♪ ♪ And nothing's gonna k*ll me ♪ ♪ Because I'm Mr.
Happy Guy ♪ ♪ I didn't even get that high ♪ ♪ I got a good thing on my mind ♪ ♪ And now they call me Mr.
Happy Guy ♪ [whirring]
[g*nsh*t]