05x02 - Dr. Feelgood's Magic Tea

[bunniefuu]

Hey, assh*le!

Previously on "You Me Her"...

[Gasps]

Ahh!

I'm back.

She's back.

Izzy's back?

Can I please crash here for a few days?

No way I'm staying at Lala's.

I'm back.

Perfect timing.

Because we're throwing a thing tonight.

You're hanging out with my exes now?

You'll be okay, seeing them again?

It'll be fine.

Obviously, we're fine.

Everything will be fine.

I'm not 100% sure we thought that all the way though.

Carmen's meeting with Hollywood movie moguls who want to buy our socially-conscious bird books!

Both: We're freaking rich!

[Rhythmic grunting]

There's this little...

this little guy.

His name is Leo.

Yeah?

I've come so close to just smuggling him in my suitcase.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

We can't find him.

I promised him that I'd call.

[Rock music]

Hey.

Both: Hey.

Wait, did you just say "engagement ceremony?" Yeah.

What the f*ck?

[Calm music]

♪ ♪ Oh, hey, Peanut.

"Oh, hey, Peanut." Did you seriously just get engaged?

Yes, I did.

I did that at precisely midnight last night in the desert outside of Sedona.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

You didn't think to discuss it with me?

As a 54-year-old man, should I have consulted with my adult daughter before I spontaneously got engaged to my also 50-something girlfriend?

I'm gonna take a risk here and say no.

No?

Just no?

That's how we're gonna do this?

I still can't believe it happened.

Yeah, you really did it.

Wow.

We did it!

Yeah.

Congratulations.

You know what, go.

Please, be...

be merry.

You could be happy.

For sure.

For...

for...

Let's go...

Don't.

Let's go sit.

Okay.

Hey, you okay?

Well, uh...

welcome, fellow travelers.

Namaste.

Last night, Ben and I completed an unforgettably transformative and enlightening journey.

A journey that ended with our engagement to be married.

And it made us realize what really matters Mm-hmm.

... in this flicker of a life.

The people you spend it with.

And speaking of spending time with people and celebrating, we really wanted to bring back this tiny piece of the compromiso ceremonia that so awakened and blended our souls.

Who talks like that?

You wanna know who talks like that?

Nobody f*cking talks like that.

Don't.

Has everybody got enough tea?

Everybody feeling that warm, groovy glow?

Okay.

And I am not cheating on my sobriety, by the way.

It's just...

it's just tea.

Oh, yeah, no.

It's a calming, soothing potion that eases open the windows to your soul so you can share your truths with the people you love.

And now that we've shared our truth, the truth of our engagement, with all of you, we urge you to open up your own windows to each other.

[Softly]

Shall we sit?

Yeah.

Hey.

Wait, what are you doing?

Uh, yeah, Nathan.

Not to be a dweeb, but I've got food allergies.

So...

Both: Dweeb.

So funny!

Uh, good times.

But I could actually die, so...

Still a dweeb.

Now, can anyone actually tell me what's in Dr.

Feelgood's Magic Tea?

Oh, yeah.

Well, there's chamomile.

Yeah, and Valerian root and St.

John's wort, I think.

Oh, yeah, and Ibanga bark.

What...

what are...

what's Ibanga bark?

Ibanga bark is a rare African cannabidiol used in interrogations.

It says here it's a Schedule One controlled substance.

It's pretty serious stuff.

What?

No.

No.

No, that's the herbal tea.

Yeah, it's...

no...

By law, they would have to tell us if there was...

Yeah.

No, it's just, it's fine.

Wait, are you saying...

I'm saying buckle up, people.

We're all about to trip on Saharan truth serum.

No, I...

I'm sure you all know we would never dose our friends, right?

I mean, not on purpose.

No.

Upsy-doodles.

Uh, well, Marie isn't really attending a midwifery school in South Dakota.

Which, now that I say it out loud, seems like a unnecessarily specific and a sort of a peculiar lie, I would say.

Well, eh, we're getting divorced.

So [Blows raspberry]

bunga!

Sorry, man.

Eh.

Okay, um, that stupid f*cking bar is sucking the soul straight from my ass.

I quit, I do.

I quit, I quit, I quit.

[Birds chirp]

Hm.

Hm.

Um, anyone else has any other truths to admit, hm?

I have something.

[Tense music]

[Loud whoosh]

Iz...

It's okay.

You can go.

They need to know how I feel.

What the actual f*ck, Iz?

What the f*ck?

Are you f*cking...

What the f*ckity f*ck...

This is just some grade A bullshit right here.

Guys, guys, just give me a second, okay?

I just need to say this real quick before I have a massive coronary.

Because then, you're never gonna hear it.

And you need to hear it.

I want to have kids with you.

I want to build a home and a life.

Well, we want that too, dummy.

Right?

Otherwise, why would we let you pay half our mortgage?

Hello, duh.

Guys, please, choose me, choose us.

Not this.

Are you talking about "The Plan?" Are you f*cking dissing "The Plan?" Oh, my gosh, she wants to abandon the plan now.

What the f*ck?

Don't diss the plan!

What the f*ckity...

I tried to be what you wanted.

Oh, tried, schmied.

Yeah, were you trying when you threw a big party for us and dumped us in front of all our family and friends?

Jack, Emma, I'm just a girl, standing in front of...

a married couple, and...

Okay, what the hell are you talking about?

We never said any of that.

Okay, we didn't...

Well, don't get caught up in the details.

I was...

I was expressing how I felt.

Thanks for the Post-Truth Campfire Story, Kellyanne.

Uh, okay, remember, people, that even the tiniest seed of truth buried in a big pile of bullshit can grow into a mighty oak of...

of, um, uh, uh, bigger truth, I guess?

I totally, totally blew the Shaman's riff there.

No, baby, I got you, I got you.

Your...

your dad is awesome.

Tommy Bahama up there quoting fortune cookies is not my father.

Is there more of this stuff?

Here you go.

This is fun.

You know what my favorite part's been?

It's when my girlfriend blurted out that she hated working at the bar I named after her.

Yeah.

Let's not make this about us.

Don't we get a rebuttal?

This is bullshit.

Yeah, what about...

what about our truth?

Yeah.

[Tense music]

[Exhales]

Please, Iz, just tell us what we need to do.

Did I stutter, Sniffles?

[Sobs]

Once again.

You cannot stuff all this whimsy and wonder into your dank, pumpkin-spiced box.

I would suffocate from all the mediocrity and monotony and...

other negative words that start with M.

Please don't do this to us.

God, you're so afraid of the unknown.

You've imprisoned yourself inside of your stupid plan of luring unsuspecting unicorns so you can grind down their horns and snort up their magic.

Well, guess what?

Not me, because I am a magnificent beast, and I need to fly free all the way to the border.

Two words I'm gonna be saying incessantly until I drive everybody insane.

Oh, the children!

Save the babies!

The babies!

She's fine.

Save...

oh, save the children.

Oh, the babies.

Take a good, long, last look, Izzy Silva.

Because this is your last slice of this delicious man-cake.

Man-cake.

Mm, not gonna lie.

That was super hot, people.

Like...

[Growls]

That...

I...

[Laughter]

That's rid...

that's not what happened.

That's exactly how it happened.

Yeah, it went down exactly like that.

Okay.

Okay.

People, please, okay?

Yes, honesty is a healthy part of a compramiso, but you know, truth is a matter of perspective...

Oh, my God.

So let's all just...

Oh, my God.

There is only one truth, assholes.

And I saw it.

[Soft music]

♪ ♪ What the hell did Nathan say to you?

It's not him.

It's...

us.

I thought this was what you wanted.

I know, I know, but, um...

[Breathes deeply]

I don't.

Because this belongs to you, and I tried to make it mine.

I did, because I love you guys, and I always will.

But to stay, I'd have to give up everything I wanted before I met you guys, all the important decisions that make my life mine.

You guys let me paint the door so you wouldn't notice that you were painting me in a corner.

[Shudders]

Em, are you okay?

I'm fine.

Are you...

No.

We can't do this anymore.

♪ ♪ It's over.

For good.

You have to go.

Now.

Okay.

Please just leave.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Wait, Ben, Lala.

Is it...

is it spelled "Ibanga?" Like, with an I?

Both: Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Huh, well, Ibanga is not a Saharan truth serum, people.

It's a mild sleep aid in the Melatonin family, Will.

Can you imagine how snoozy the compromiso ceremonia would've been without my brilliant prank?

You're welcome.

Wonderful, thank you.

Now, let's just get back to the evening.

We'll forget this Ibanga nonsense and hug it out.

Yeah, f*ck that.

[Tense music]

Peanut.

Hey...

oh, hey, Ben.

Why don't you just throw me a text the next time you get engaged?

[Sighs]

Izzy.

Izzy.

Peanut.

Just be an adult for a second.

Are you okay?

Izzy.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

So that was intense.

I'm fine, I'm good.

Listen, about the engagement.

I really wanted to give you a heads-up before the party, but you know your dad.

He's got such a flair for the dramatic.

Hm.

Dude I knew had a flair for sleeping on lawns and sudden disappearances, but I guess you know him better that I do now.

Okay, no.

That's okay.

Let's talk about it.

All of it.

Oh, uh, hey, Not-My-Sister.

Please come to dinner tomorrow night.

We can, like paint each other's toes, and talk about boys, and just be best friends.

That's the reasonable request my mother has made.

I'd just really love your input on the wedding.

We're having it up at my grandad's lake house.

Your friend can come to dinner.

And the wedding, too.

Do you want to come to the wedding?

You can come to the wedding.

I just...

I just can't.

Thank you, Lala.

We will be there.

[Bright music]

♪ ♪ Ugh.

Which one is causing you so much stress?

Pay mortgage.

Yes, no.

Did you get the offer from Dani yet?

Mm-hmm.

And it's not worth it?

I'm, uh...

not really sure how to answer that.

How much?

[Laughs]

I know.

sh1t.

Is this for real?

Yep.

[Laughs]

Oh, wow.

I...

I mean, I know it's going to be tough to leave the girls and all, but...

[Scoffs]

I said I know.

I...

I get it.

Do you?

Good, because I don't.

I mean, I know people warned me about this, but, man, it's kind of blowing my mind.

I'm different.

I mean, nothing stays the same.

I'm gonna pay this bad boy.

[Mouse clicks]

And now, I have to take the job.

No, you don't.

Not for my sake.

Jack, it's okay.

I need to do it.

I want to do it.

[Soft music]

I love you.

I love you more.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And it's not just because you have money.

Although it helps.

By the way, did you know that Izzy is still on our phone plan?

She is?

That...

that feels wrong, right?

It's not so much the expense.

It's like, the principal of it.

Should I?

You know, I think we're due one small act of petty vindictiveness.

Yeah.

No, just keep your voice down, okay?

After what she's been through, she is a wounded baby bird right now.

She's fragile and she's hungry, okay?

Fine, fine, fine, but we are gonna discuss what you blurted out the other night.

And if we can't do it here, we'll do it somewhere else.

Dude.

[Sighs]

Did you really think that the PhD was gonna be your bartender forever?

And could we just, like, mm, bring it down a bit until we've all had our coffee and maybe, like, pancakes?

Is that something that you do?

[Growls]

Stop.

Don't.

Iz?

Yeah.

Um, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

Oh, jet lag.

Same time zone.

It's called Latitudinal Exhaustion Syndrome.

That's not a real thing.

She made...

she made that up.

Nina.

Yeah?

Listen to me.

What do you want to do with your life?

[Exhales]

Oh, man.

I feel like that's something I should have asked her.

You think?

I don't know.

I'm gonna tell you a little story, and I think it's gonna be helpful.

Once upon a time, when I was young, I had this stoner friend, and his parents, I mean, they were just...

they were all, like, "You're never gonna get work with a degree in Icelandic Feminist Literature!" But hold for the twist.

Are you ready?

No, no, here it comes.

He is now a successful career coach.

In Iceland.

That wasn't helpful at all.

[Phone buzzes]

It's genius.

Well, I mean, it was more of an amusing mood brightener, I thought.

Ugh.

We all needed it.

I should just go see a career coach.

Yeah, good luck with that, assholes.

Um...

Oh, no, not you assholes.

The other assholes.

The Trakarskys.

They say I owe them $102.

[Clears throat]

[Phone beeps]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

They cut me off.

I don't have service.

And thus, we transition from denial to anger, the far more entertaining second stage of Breakup Grief.

No, you don't understand.

This can't happen.

The IRC doesn't know which foster agency processed Leo, and I was up all night looking for him...

which is why I was sleeping, okay?

And now, he doesn't have any way to contact me.

So, uh, get your own phone plan.

Uh, okay, just as soon as I have a positive checking account and/or an un-maxed credit card.

Newsflash, doing the right thing literally doesn't pay, you ding-dong head.

That was uncalled for.

You know what?

Babe.

Okay, what?

f*ckers.

Wait, what are you doing?

Where are you going?

I'm going to rip Jack and Emma a new one.

Okay, nope.

Nope.

I'm gonna get the door.

Shaun, you get the chloroform.

Move out of the way.

Look, in the stages of breakup grief, this is when you find a reason to show up at their door.

Like, they have your favorite panties or an album you can't live without.

But you haven't yet, so they poked the tiger!

Okay, look at me.

Look at me.

It's a trap.

Yeah.

Consider me quarantined under your care, Dr.

Martone.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Let's not be rash.

I mean, you...

you could always go live with the wolves judging from how you live here, or go visit...

okay.

[Both groan]

Wow, that's sweet.

That's super f*cking sweet.

[Upbeat music]

♪ ♪ I am really glad you're here, Soph.

Aw, thanks, Em.

Me too.

[Exhales]

So how's the job hunt going?

Uh, well, I got one.

Congrats!

Yeah, yay, me.

I am winning at life.

You're sad about leaving the girls.

Sad?

Does "sad" lead to excessive weeping?

Because then, yeah, I am pretty f*cking sad.

But life, man.

I mean, "The Plan" is not cheap.

We are so far...

My brother's rich.

Oh, and his wife, yeah.

So that happened.

That's a thing.

They have all the money and you don't.

Setting Amazon Prime records, sending the girls to some elite elementary school.

The whole nine.

I believe Marty called it "breaking the unwritten social contract." Like, you guys stay more or less socioeconomically equal.

Which you're not anymore.

Not even close.

Like, you have no idea.

Whew, wow.

That feels so much better.

I literally feel like the weight is lifted off of my shoulders.

I could use a cocktail.

Do you want a cocktail?

What time is it?

Do we care?

You look like you might.

[Percussive music]

I mean, she's decent enough, but the thought of my dad sharing a bed with a woman who wears natural deodorant.

It just...

Reeks?

Too easy?

[Snorts]

Hm, I'm just afraid he's doing it again.

Folding into someone else's life.

Again?

Yeah.

He came to Colorado on a construction job when he met my mom and just got absorbed into her world.

Like her friends and family.

And...

Her parents' house.

Her bowling league.

.. he was afraid of fitting in and being good enough for her and them, that he just started drinking.

Hm, that's where it started.

Yeah.

[Exhales]

I just found him again, you know?

I don't want to watch him disappear.

But mostly, you're afraid it's genetic, right?

As evidenced by your brief and awkward stint as an escort, followed by becoming the third Griswold.

A, f*ck you.

And B, 100%.

I guess I have been looking for somewhere to belong.

But you have that now, right?

With Leo and the other kids?

I guess I do.

So speaking of Lala's bullshit version of a wedding...

Which we weren't.

She wants to do it at her grandpa's place out in the woods somewhere.

Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, basically her and Ben doing b*at poetry by a river while we all eat twigs and berries.

It's like a Jonestown theme.

Based on her pitch, mass su1c1de's not out of the question.

I mean, what's going on here?

Why do you care so much about how Ben and Lala get married?

Yeah.

[Quirky music]

Jesus.

What the f*ck, dude?

Wha...

how long you been sitting there?

Izzy asked a valid question.

Why do you care so much about Ben and Lala's wedding?

Oh, I don't.

It...

it's just...

what...

what, are we supposed to, like, chop down trees and whittle our own chairs?

Just show up in the woods and wait for a proper wedding to break out?

No, it takes vision and planning.

It takes a firm hand to bend hearts, minds, and wills into a marital masterpiece.

But I mean, whatevs, right?

It's, like, ain't no skin off my butt.

Ain't no thing, ain't my prob.

[Mumbles]

So I have a dinner.

So I'm gonna let you get to the bottom of that.

Well, there's no "that," thus no bottom, so...

[Scoffs]

For sure.

[Stirring music]

♪ ♪ [Snoring]

[Door closes]

Found a new unicorn?

It's a present from my mom.

Think she's suffering from late-onset cheekiness.

Snores less than the last one, though.

Did you know the Amaris are rich?

I've been trying hard not to notice.

But, two words: Dave and money.

Yeah, tough to keep a lid on that.

Yeah.

Did you know they're looking at houses?

What?

How about the super-exclusive private school for Callie and Lily?

Already?

Oh, no, they're late.

Most kids filled out the applications in the womb.

It's just so disappointing, isn't it?

A fancy-schmancy private school teaching the same curriculum, but with what?

Hologram reenactments?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I mean, it's kind of nouveau riche, right?

It's bullshit.

Yeah.

We don't need that.

Are we being dicks?

You know, should we just be happy for them?

[Exhales]

I mean, I don't resent them for having money, if that's what you think.

Yeah.

Maybe I resent us for not having it.

[Contemplative rock music]

♪ ♪ I didn't mean it, okay?

I'm not really gonna give Izzy your spot in the bed.

Okay, that's good to know.

So what, is she just gonna squeeze in between us?

You've gotta be f*cking kidding me.

Oh, my God.

She's so tiny!

You wouldn't even know that she's there.

That's it.

It's her or me in the bed.

Oh, come on.

I'm not gonna choose...

Her or me in the bed.

This is a real easy one, Neen.

All...

all you have to say is, "I choose you, Shaun." That's it.

Okay, look, Shaun.

I'm sorry that Izzy dropping in is making you feel all butt hurt, but, like...

No, hold on, hold on.

I'm just gonna stop that shitty apology right in its tracks and cut to you telling me what the actual f*ck is going on.

You quit being a therapist, you're oddly obsessed with some near-stranger's wedding choices.

And now, now you won't even tell Izzy that we're practically living together?

Okay, you have an apartment.

I have an apartment.

I'm not really sure how that adds up to...

No, no, there's no air quotes.

Don't be pointing those air quotes at me.

Nina, I'm 36 years old.

I'm not in this for sh1ts and giggles.

I started a business, and now, I want to start a life.

I know that.

I do.

Okay, because this...

this train.

It's leaving the station, Neen.

I'm just gonna say it.

I choo-choo-choose you.

Oh, God.

What...

are you...

what, do you want me to come after you right now?

Your choice.

Wha...

seriously?

Fine!

[Scoffs]

Come on, suburbadroids.

Stop being so stingy with the Wi-Fi.

[Phone beeps]

Come on.

[Quirky music]

[Phone beeps]

Wait, stop.

♪ ♪ Stupid, ugly f*cking basic door.

Are those my sweet-sweet Crocs just tossed out on the porch?

I'm sorry.

For what?

Just the whole "disappointing in us" thing.

That's...

I'm just tired.

Same.

Tired and poor.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah, well, I think it's important we remember how we got here, hm?

We bought this house thinking we had three incomes.

We just got to let it go.

The resentment.

All of it.

[Knocking]

[Exhales]

[Babies cooing]

[Tapping shoe]

So ruining my door and cutting off my phone wasn't enough?

Now you're tossing out my Crocs like yesterday's garbage?

You know what?

f*ck it.

I don't care if it's a trope from Nina's "Stages of Breakup Grief." I do want all my cool sh1t back!

I want my cinnamon whiskey and I want...

[Cooing]

Oh.

[Soft music]

Iz?

♪ Wonder what you're thinking now ♪ Jizzy and Jemma.

Actually, it's Lucy and Rose.

Lucy and Rose.

♪ ♪ Do you wanna hold one?

♪ Even in your deep despair ♪

♪ Have you got it all ♪

♪ Figured out ♪

♪ Just waiting for someone ♪

♪ Waiting for someone ♪

♪ To turn my world around ♪

♪ You came in the summer ♪

♪ Came in the summer ♪

♪ And time was winding down ♪

[Vocalizing]

[Intense tones]

[Whooshing]