05x05 - Remember the Carlyle!

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "You Me Her"...

How many times have you taken this test?

42.

It lands on "dominatrix" or "vice principal" every time.

It's not judging you.

You're judging you.

You're a domineering control freak who takes great joy in bossing other people around.

You have to plan that woman's wedding.

I'll plan your wedding.

Both: What?

Welcome home, Dave.

It's nice, right?

You're my last key.

We're gonna have so much fun.

[Laughing]

Izzy?

Leo!

Hi, Peanut!

I miss you.

So, what's the plan?

Hotel Angelina.

Top floor, city views.

Whatever happens, happens.

But what's gonna happen is a whole lot of s*x!

Okay, that's great.

Yeah, great.

It's Izzy.

"Your babies are precious." Do we respond?

What the actual f*cking f*ck?

"Do you need to talk"?

Really?

[Pensive music]

♪ ♪ To be clear, we're not having s*x.

That's not what we're doing here, so don't get your hopes up.

To be clear, you weren't actually invited, but way to set the agenda.

Haven't we all been pretty clear about all this?

Whatever we were doing, it's over.

Yeah, no sh1t, Sherlock.

I'm going back to Otay Mesa on Monday.

Of course it's over.

You're here with us why?

Gee, Em, I don't know.

Why did you feel the need to blurt out not only the hotel but the floor and direction you're facing?

Oh, sh1t, you're...

you're here to see if we still care.

Oh, my God, get over yourself.

Oh, well, good, 'cause we don't...

Nope.

Care.

We don't.

Would you mind going down to the bar and calling a Lyft?

'Cause we are kind of in the middle of a date night.

So I also misinterpreted the weird s*x riff to my dad, no less?

You weren't trying to make me jealous?

Both: No.

"No." Okay.

Where is she?

Or he, hmm?

You said you were inviting company.

Oh, that reminds me, Iz.

Are you or are you not sleeping with Nathan?

'Cause it's, like, a little confusing.

Yeah, the...

well...

[Stammers]

The thing...

Right.

..

it's...

What do you mean?

Let's be clear about it, okay?

Have you and Nathan had sexual intercourse since you ran away?

Or ever.

I don't think that that's any of your business.

[Laughs]

That's a no.

She didn't nail him.

God, it's so obvious.

We knew it.

Thank you.

Yeah, thank you.

So I guess we can stop with the gamesmanship and admit that there's...

we're not expecting company.

Shocking.

Yeah.

What are we even doing, guys?

Trying to hurt each other.

Question is why.

Because we're in the anger stage of breakup grief, that's why.

And a very wise teenager told me that the opposite of love isn't anger or bitterness or hate, it's actually...

Apathy.

It's apathy, yeah.

Everyone knows that.

Well, actually, uh...

never mind.

Anyway...

has anything that we've done over the past few days...

this...

the lying, the posturing, the snarky repartee, this weird f*cking showdown...

does any of that scream "apathy" to you guys?

No.

So...

[Mellow music]

♪ ♪ It's very obvious that we still care about each other.

♪ ♪ We just don't work.

♪ ♪ So, um, it's gonna be really hard for a really long time.

♪ ♪ So I'm gonna go to the bar, call a Lyft like you said.

Sorry I interrupted.

♪ ♪ Bye.

♪ ♪ sh1t.

[Door closes]

Great.

Now she thinks she won.

At what?

[Sighs]

I don't know.

Well, whatever.

It's not a competition.

Right.

So what should we do now?

Should we just...

should we run after her?

Absolutely not.

Right.

You're right, honey.

Although, I am, like, little bit curious about these stages of breakup grief.

It was really intriguing, right?

Should we...

It's really intriguing, but it's a little...

You should have her clarify what she meant.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Mellow music playing over speakers]

♪ ♪ Hey.

Hey.

♪ ♪ [Clears throat]

♪ ♪ Okay, here we are.

I can see that.

♪ ♪ We asked if you wanted to talk and you came, so...

[Sighs heavily]

Let's talk.

For the record, the reason I came is because your text message made we want to pop off one of your arms and b*at you both to death with it, so...

Ooh, we're gonna need two more of those, I think.

Quickly.

Thank you.

"Do you need to talk"?

♪ ♪ Can you hear how condescending and shitty that sounds?

And please say yes, 'cause otherwise, I don't know where we go from here.

Yes.

I guess.

Yes.

[Sighs]

Man.

We are following the stages of breakup grief to a f*cking tee.

What is that supposed to mean?

Thank you.

Pretending we're fine, then baiting each other, and then showing up and demanding all of our sh1t...

Actually, you did that.

Proceed.

And then exploding the façade of fineness.

And then there's the last one, which we are not doing, which is rock bottom: sleeping with your exes.

Why is that rock bottom?

'Cause after the glow fades, the pain is way f*cking worse because you've just opened yourself up to it all again.

Okay, so how can we avoid all this?

♪ ♪ I mean, is there a good way to break up?

What are the stages of that?

I mean, I guess there's only one stage: the truth.

Well, here's a truth for you, Iz.

I'm still struggling to understand what you have to be so angry about.

Or is this just, like, an even Steven thing?

I mean, did we leave you at the altar and literally run for the border?

No, you didn't.

But wasn't this your plan the whole time?

Painting me into a smaller and smaller corner until running was the only choice I had?

How long did it take you to come up with that one?

I think...

You don't even give me the benefit of the doubt.

I think maybe she has a point.

Just because we didn't mean to do it, it...

it doesn't mean that we didn't do it.

You couldn't get close to Lucy and Rose and have them depend on you and then figure out it wasn't the life you wanted.

So we did what we needed to do and...

you did what you needed to do.

[Melancholy music]

♪ ♪ Did we just put a bow on it?

Feels like a toe tag.

Uh, maybe a little bit of both.

Okay, so here's to...

what?

Realizing we did the right thing, even though it's gonna suck.

Yeah, no, I...

I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna toast you guys choosing your fucktarded plan over me.

♪ ♪ I guess that's it.

♪ ♪ [Elevator dings]

[Elevator doors close]

♪ ♪ Hey.

Hey.

I came back for you.

In order to come back, you usually have to leave the property, right?

No, she means the border.

She's saying she came back from the border for us.

Oh.

Well, that's different.

They offered me a permanent position, and I accepted on the spot.

It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm really good at it.

I'm making a difference.

[Laughs softly]

I believe that.

Me, too.

I told them I needed a minute to decompress.

But really, you needed time to...

Yeah.

Our life is still here.

And it's not just the plan.

I just created the wellness center at Griffin.

I c...

can't hand it over.

Not yet.

And I can't just keep walking away from jobs.

I know, and my life is down there now.

I'm really good with those kids.

It's made it all more clear that I want a bunch of my own.

♪ ♪ So what now?

♪ ♪ Can I stay?

Please?

Can we just have one more night?

'Cause...

I'm not ready to say good-bye.

[Young Summer's "Blood Love"]

♪ Stars loom so lonely ♪ ♪ Over us ♪ ♪ And down ♪ ♪ To feel it in my blood love ♪ ♪ Head rush ♪ ♪ Never comes back ♪ [Vocalizes]

♪ Blood love ♪ [No audible dialogue]

♪ Still runs ♪ ♪ Never goes black ♪ [Vocalizes]

♪ Bright eyes ♪ ♪ Setting through ♪ ♪ Find our own time ♪ ♪ Feel it all ♪ ♪ Bright eyes ♪ ♪ Setting through ♪ ♪ Find our own time ♪ ♪ Feel it all ♪ ♪ Blood love ♪ ♪ Still runs ♪ ♪ Never comes back ♪ [Vocalizes]

So, we did a thing.

[Laughs]

But not the thing, so Nina and her breakup grief can suck it.

So why was it so much more intense?

Yeah, we should hang a sign on the door that says, "Do Not Disturb Ever." Rose and Lucy are out there.

So is Leo.

Our life here and your life there.

Yeah.

[Phone chimes]

Oh, God, speaking of life outside these walls...

meeting Lala and Nina to look at dresses.

You know, even though we didn't technically do anything, can we all agree that what happens at the Angelina stays at the Angelina?

Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, no one would ever understand.

Do you guys understand what we did here, or why, or what it means?

If it's like the worst or best idea ever?

'Cause if you do, please, lay it on me.

Well, what if it was just a more sophisticated version of sleeping with your ex?

Just wondering whether stopping short of the line makes it any less complicated.

Okay, well, here's what I potentially think and might possibly understand, all the while realizing it could be total bullshit...

Your confidence intrigues.

We shouldn't try and make sense of it right now.

You know, not yet.

No rush to judgment.

Just take a b*at.

I like it.

Yeah.

Has the general shape of a good idea.

So like Jack says, what happened at the Angelina stays at the Angelina.

A vow of silence.

I vow.

I vow.

I vow.

You f*cking did what?

How the hell did you go from a slumber party with little brother to this literal clusterfuck?

Well, I...

I think it started when I texted them.

Ah, another secret?

Why are you people doing this to me?

Okay, well, maybe I shouldn't.

No, no.

I'm filling in for Carm, right?

[Sighs]

And she's your confidant, so it's part of the job.

Swish.

Short, short!

sh1t.

You know what you guys are?

You're like the very best fight on worldstar.

com, where you want to look away, but you can't.

Yeah?

Just viscera...

[Farting noise]

Flying out of the screen.

You know?

Except for...

then you wake up and you wonder, "Did I really watch a slow-motion ride at the lingerie superstore's closeout sale, or was that a dream?" That's very specific.

Oh, my God, you did it.

You completed the anger stage.

You slept with your exes even though nothing's changed.

It was "slept with" in the most literal sense.

I swear.

But I do think something has changed.

Oh, really?

What?

I don't know.

Dear God, woman.

Well, I think that I'm gonna hang out a little bit longer just to figure it out.

I swear, man, right there and then, it's like the fog cleared and the madness made sense.

You know, it was like everything we'd gone through had been leading to that exact moment.

Kudos.

For what?

For that very vivid description of the human orgasm.

I liked it.

Seems to be a theme for you today.

Well, did I not mention my wife left?

Ah.

Keeping it real, I find it hard to believe you three spent the whole night in the hotel room and didn't...

We didn't.

We did not have s*x.

That is to say, no s*x was had.

Okay, I know I'm not really Carmen, but may I speak freely?

sh**t.

Oh, cool.

You three are f*cking morons.

Well, that was super direct.

Borderline brutal.

Well, you're basically the moron Tabernacle Choir.

Ouch.

Clever, but ouch.

Here's a little game I used to play with Mira, okay?

I am going to ask you a one-word question and you are going to answer really fast without thinking about it.

You got it?

Yeah?

Okay, here goes.

Why?

Answer.

Answer now!

Uh...

Faster!

Stop doing that.

Come on, you can do this.

It's because whatever else about it, uh, it didn't work.

We fell in love...

him, me, and her, and...

and even though we couldn't make it work...

which, you know, we clearly couldn't...

it is never going to stop sucking.

[Exhales]

[Sighs]

That...

that was...

that was pretty good.

Yeah, I got some game.

What happens now?

Uh, after the wedding, Izzy goes to the border.

Back.

[Sniffs]

Doesn't sound like a plan.

Who said we had a plan?

Is this job at the border even real, or is it a thr*at?

Like, "Tick-tock, time's up.

What you got?" Of course it's real, okay?

I'm going back.

It's where I belong.

I promised Leo.

Well, then, what the hell were you three idiots doing in that hotel room?

Like, an all-night good-bye kiss?

What's wrong with that?

Okay, so you all agreed that your place is still here and her place is still there in spite of the magic cuddle puddle?

Mm-hmm.

Then, Em, no offense, but I have to repeat it for max impact.

You three are f*cking morons.

[Funky, upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪ I think this dress is way too cool for me.

What makes you say that?

I heard the meanest of the two mean girls say, "That dress is way too cool for her." Yeah, I'm not sure whether to blame you or the garment, but it does seem like you really hate each other.

That's it.

I bought a perfectly good hemp sarong in...

Both: No.

No.

Um, hey, Zoe, or Mango, Southwest...

whatever your name is.

That's the one.

Uh, first of all, what's your name?

Lisa.

Oh, disappointing.

Um, it's a wedding in the woods, not a community college production of "Beetlejuice." [Laughs]

Oh, my God, she is so mean.

Comes in handy.

Fine.

That one was for me, in hopes that you would love it and I could ridicule you.

That seems mean.

I'll go get the real one.

Also, would you like tea?

Yeah, no.

Uh, we'll take champagne.

It's before noon, so we have tea.

We'll take champagne.

[Peppy music playing over speakers]

♪ ♪ See, now you're just wasting my time.

Ugh.

You are so scary.

#NoTeaNoShades.

Is that right?

Uh, sure.

No.

This feels like an empowerment moment.

Is it?

If you want it to be.

Sure.

Bring it in, bring it in.

Oh, well...

Oh.

All right, okay.

Watch the feathers.

Oh, Jesus.

We should be more encouraging.

Mm-hmm.

She's growing on me, okay?

Don't make a big deal about it.

Fine.

Move your ass!

We have a tasting!

Nina.

What?

I'm encouraging her to hurry up.

Honestly, though, with the...

I know.

[Snorts]

In...

in the woods.

Birds would be like...

[Vocalizes]

♪ ♪ [Brakes squeak]

[Engine turns off]

[Dog barking]

What you doing there, Peculiar Spice?

We have stalkers.

Well, not me.

Dave and Carmen.

Pretty cool, right?

But seriously.

Let them live their lives, you know?

Stalkers?

Yeah, like superfans.

Possibly paparazzi.

I...

in Portland?

For...

for children's book authors.

Mm-hmm.

You've been such a lovely addition to the neighborhood.

Oh, man.

Thanks, Will.

You know, I'm seriously thinking that I'm...

Yeah, like, if I was buying crazy in the crazy aisle, you'd be the little bonus bottle of crazy...

the attached free sample.

Oh...

oh, my God, here they come.

Oh, boy.

Leave my family in peace!

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

Damn it.

[Tires squeal]

Is it weird that I secretly love those pictures of celebs losing their sh1t?

Like Britney with the umbrella.

I want one like that, you know?

[Grunts, strains]

[Grunts]

You know?

Uh, what was the question?

Uh, "is it weird"?

Oh, then, yes.

Oh.

When you tell Dave, tell him this too.

My buyers are definitely making an offer on a house today...

this one or another, so...

[Funky music]

♪ ♪ Lisa, what's the Wi-Fi password?

Don't make me sic Nina on you.

[Gentle, stirring music]

♪ ♪ Wow.

[Laughs]

Really?

It's perfect.

Thank you.

♪ ♪ Are you crying?

No, shut up.

[Inhales shakily]

Can you believe it?

Come here.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

[Both sigh]

That was nice.

Mm-hmm.

Did I mention your mother was coming to the wedding?

I'm sorry?

No?

Oops.

Yeah, no, she's totally in agreement with the whole closure concept.

Super excited to see Ben graduate to the rest of his life.

But now she's quite suddenly un-RSVP'd...

Oh, thank God.

No, I'm just wondering.

Since it's allegedly all good between them, why don't you want Jess anywhere near the wedding?

[Mellow music playing over speakers]

This is the part where you tell me what's going on.

Oh.

Yes, that's it.

What?

That's the exact face Ben makes when I bring up Jess.

What's the problem?

This could be such a lovely leafy palate-cleanser.

Oh, I know, it's just...

what a shame.

We'll never know 'cause she can't make it.

That's a bummer.

[Laughs]

Izzy.

Mm-hmm?

Sweetie.

I know you don't know me that well, but trust me, you are gonna tell me.

Now.

Oh, okay.

Um, it's...

the...

[Stammers]

It's a thing.

[Laughs]

It's...

What is it?

Okay, um...

[Clears throat]

They're addicted to each other, and also the dr*gs and alcohol that they go purchase together.

Say what now?

[Inhales deeply]

Basic format.

They go for lunch, and then Ben turns up three days later looking like S*ddam Hussein when they pulled him out of the hole.

Holy sh1t.

They do good with...

with phones and text messages, but, um, in proximity, in the same space, they just go back to thinking they can be together.

And what if next time they don't snap out of it?

What if next time they just merrily drag each other all the way to hell?

[Laughs softly]

But they've worked it out, you know.

She even helped him find me.

But mostly, they keep Colorado and Oregon between them.

[Laughs]

You're messing with me, right?

Please tell me you're messing with me.

No, this is not a thing.

People do not get addicted to each other.

Mm-hmm.

Do they?

I...

it haunts me a little less that I'm not alone with it.

Oh, great.

Where's Nina?

No clue.

[Exhales slowly]

Something's fishy.

She just...

What?

Just my spidey-sense.

[Laughs]

Yeah.

No...

what...

no.

Your dad didn't say anything about...

It's real.

[Clears throat]

It's real, and it's telling me that there's some weird sh1t about to go down.

[Funky music]

[Chuckles]

What is happening here?

What do you mean?

Well, it's like, normally, when we stress out over complex m*llitary maneuvers like this, but now nobody's crying, not even me.

I guess we're happy.

[Baby cooing]

[Chuckles]

Hey.

Holy sh1t.

[Both laugh]

[Lucy and rose cooing]

Holy sh1t.

What?

Look.

[Confrontational music]

♪ ♪ Ah, there we go.

Nina, what are you doing?

[Sighs]

Oh, hi, Griswolds.

Why are you hammering one of Will's "for sale" signs into our front lawn?

Oh, this?

This is the only way that I'm putting up with another round of your edgy bullshit.

[Rousing rock music]

♪ ♪ ♪ Don't need permission to do what I want ♪

♪ Make my decisions, be my own boss ♪

♪ Making it my mission, ignore the system ♪

♪ Don't need permission to be a woman ♪

♪ To be a woman, yeah ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Who says I need feminine to always want to win?

♪ ♪ I like to think ladylike ♪

♪ Is getting some dirt in your nails ♪

♪ And I don't like to ask please ♪

♪ I'm not gonna beg on my knees ♪

♪ And I won't apologize ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm gonna take what's mine ♪

[Whooshing]

[Instrumental flourish]