01x09 - The Blue Scorpion

[bunniefuu]

No. No, no, no.

Wait, Anne, yeah, can you just...

can you just give me a minute?

Yeah, this is Wednesday, so I'm at, uh...

Dad? Dad, it's Jeff.

Yeah, can you just... can you just

give me a minute? Yeah, yeah.

Why isn't he f*cking answering?

Dad, it's Jeff.

Anne, Anne, we shouldn't just throw away our marriage.

Unless you've found someone else.

You haven't, have you?

No, no, I just want it to work out with us.

Yeah, well, I gave you space.

I moved out, didn't I?

Dad?

Yeah. Yes, Anne,

I got the... the couples' therapist,

and if that doesn't reset

the marriage, then fine, I'll relent.

We can look into arbitration.

Dad? Come on, it's White Hot night.

Because I... Because I... Anne.

Can you just... Can you listen?

Can you just... For a minute?

Like I said before, it's just not the right time.

I can't afford to go down the... Dad?

I can't afford to go down the divorce attorney route.

f*ck. I got to...

Oh, f*ck. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

f*ck. f*ck.

Yes, it's my father.

Uh, in his... room.

He's, um...

He's sh*t himself.

Otis. My father's name is Otis Storck.

Professor Jeff Storck?

I need you to know that

such circumstances are always investigated,

but we all know what this is.

Does this belong to your father?

Is it registered to him?

Look, Mr. Storck,

I know this is certainly upsetting...

...we'll be on our way if you can tell me

if this is your father's g*n.

-No.

No way. It's not.

I don't know where it came from, but he hates g*ns.

My father is... he's a lifelong hippie.

Take this to the lab.

-Go over it with ballistics.

-Yes, sir.

Was your father sick? Alzheimer's?

I realize you have a job to do and whatever,

but can we do it later, maybe?

I mean, my father just

basically sh*t himself in front of me.

No. It would've been last night some time.

I said "basically," didn't I?

Basically means basically, not absolutely.

Basically.

He left a note.

-f*ck sake.

-I am permitted to read it to you, if that's what you want.

-Can't you just... Can I...

Can't I just read it?

-Here sits Professor Jeffery Mingus Storck,

a man who holds a doctorate in anthropology,

but possesses little true knowledge of himself.

Today, Professor Storck is surrounded

by the many familiar artifacts

that shaped his father's life,

and the one unknown object that ended it.

As a scientist, he's about to embark

on his darkest research project yet.

His conclusion will lie somewhere between

the barrel of a g*n and the outer regions

of The Twilight Zone.

-You're traveling through another dimension,

a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind.

It is the middle ground between light and shadow,

between science and superstition.

And it lies between the pit of one's fears,

and the summit of one's knowledge.

You are now traveling through

a dimension of imagination.

You've just crossed over

into The Twilight Zone.

My dad fell in love with Lake Cayuga

back when he played the Watkins Glen festival

one lake over in 1973.

He jammed with the Grateful Dead

during their sound check

the day before they went on.

He led a pretty interesting life, all told.

Skipped up to Canada with

Neil Young and Crazy Horse

when he was evading the Vietnam draft.

My father played Cuba in '69,

that Havana Jam thing with Billy Joel

and Stephen Stills.

Met my mother on the march to Montgomery.

♪ To want your lips... ♪

Dragged us the whole way here from Ireland.

Never looked back.

Never got divorced.

Never went bankrupt.

Never went unloved.

Did it not turn out as he wanted?

I...

Who did you love more than me?

♪ Whenever I'm feelin' lonely ♪

♪ Whenever I'm feelin' blue ♪

♪ What is it that takes my mind away? ♪

♪ What is it that pulls it through? ♪

♪ Thoughts of you... ♪

Okay...

f*ck.

What the f*ck is that?

Good morning, Jeff.

-Yo, Jeff, what's up?

-All good. How about you, Jeff?

See you tonight at Jeff's dorm, right?

-Oh, my God, Jeff is a total Jeff.

-Such a Jeff.

Jeff!

Hey, Jeff.

That's a good boy. That's a good boy.

f*ck.

Get out of my house!

-It's me! It's me! It's me! Anne, it's me.

I'm just getting my mail.

-Jesus. You scared the sh*t out of me.

-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just wanted...

-Jesus, Jeff. Oh, f*ck.

Do you know how to...

Do you know how to do the safety thing?

-Just... you know, point it.

I don't remember.

Why have you even got that?

I live alone now, and there were two home invasions.

-What?

A couple of streets over.

Oh, um, this came for you, too.

The police delivered it earlier this evening.

Must be my dad's g*n.

It's probably worth something.

Yeah, I'm not gonna

make money off my dad's su1c1de, Anne.

You're gonna need the money, Jeff.

Friends have told me that I should get

an attorney to protect both of us.

-Oh...

-So... that's what I did.

He'll contact you.

We talked about this, didn't we?

-I've been trying to tell you.

-A lot.

-The thing is, Jeff...

-You said you were okay with us

going to couple's therapy, so...

-It's that...

-I... have...

-What the f*ck?

I have fallen in love...

...with another man...

...named Jeff.

Oh, sh*t.

Am I "him"? Or am I "you"?

-TheGunSuperstore.com.

Yeah, hey, I'm... I'm looking to get rid of a g*n.

-You got the paperwork?

Uh, look, I don't know anything about g*ns. It seems old.

-How about the serial number?

-Um...

-It's on the grip.

-Oh.

Yeah. 1015-59.

-Okay... Oh, hey, any chance there's

a blue scorpion on the handle?

Yeah. There very much is.

-Holy sh*t! I thought the Blue Scorpion was a myth.

Dates back to 1952. It's from Cuba.

Che Guevara was looking for that g*n.

It was made by this guy, Eulogio Cienfuegos.

The legend is, you don't find it, it finds you.

We can get you, like, $25,000 to

$50,000 for the Blue Scorpion.

Okay. I mean, whatever.

I just want to get the bloody thing out of my life.

So, if you... f*cking sh*t!

-What the...?

-Oh, my God! Are you all right?

Are you there, brother?

- sh*t.

-Hey, are you okay?

Oh... Yeah.

I'm all right, I'm okay,

I'm all right. f*ck.

-Jesus Christ, was there a round in the chamber?

I don't know.

-Okay.

Send me all your information and a picture of the g*n.

I'll take care of everything.

Once it's sold, and if you don't have a license,

you'll have to ship it by carrier.

-Yeah.

-But if you do, don't forget

to punch a small hole in the box so some light can get in.

Legend is, the Blue Scorpion's afraid of the dark.

Where do I send my information?

-To me, Bob Jeff, at TheGunSuperstore.com.

P.O. Box 5252... -Hold on.

-...Earlysville, Virginia 22901.

-Did you just say "Jeff"?

I... I'm sorry, could you remind me...

Your research project is?

"Animism in contemporary China."

This research project is...

Sorry, excuse me.

This...

This research project is really messing

with my head, Dr. Storck. Um...

-You know how animism is, like...

-Yeah.

...the belief that there's a spirit in,

in every single thing,

and even inanimate objects have a soul?

Yeah, I know what it is, Grace.

Well, it's, like,

nothing talks to me or anything like that, but

I can't help feel that all my stuff...

my shoes, toothbrush, hats... are all, like, friends.

Do you ever have that?

No.

And you shouldn't either.

That's, um... I think what you're

experiencing is anthropomorphism,

attributing human propertiesnto inanimate objects,

which is different from animism,

which is a religious belief,

as I'm sure you know. I wouldn't worry.

It's dri... It's driving me crazy.

It's a little late in the term to be changing subjects.

What the f...

Okay, sir, when I leave my dorm, nothing can be, like,

left by itself. Like, if my boots are over by the bed

and my gym shoes are in the closet,

I feel like they're... I don't know... lonely.

And I have to make sure that

everything is grouped together

or I feel bad that they might be afraid of the dark,

so I leave the light on.

I go back to my dorm to make sure that

the light's still on and that they're safe.

It's just because of this stupid project.

It's the project, and I'm sorry, but I can't...

-I need to change the subject.

-Okay.

Thank you so much.

My shoes thank you, too.

Jeff Storck?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I need to prepare for a lecture.

I'm Anne's attorney.

f*ck off. Your name is Jeff, too?

That's great, though, Jeff.

We can begin negotiations from a point of commonality.

Can you just ease off?

Can you just... Please, please.

This isn't...

This isn't a good time for me. I, um,

my father just passed away, and he didn't do a will,

so the whole estate is f*cked up, you know?

-Maybe we can do this another day?

-Yeah, sure.

If any of that estate is left to you, uh,

be advised that half of it now belongs to Anne.

So if you need any help at all...

I can make all of your troubles go away.

You have my card.

-Stop calling me.

-Hey, J...

-Just f*cking stop!

-Hey, Jeff. It's Bob Jeff.

When I think the time is right

to get rid of the f*cking thing,

you'll be the first one to know it, do you understand?

-There's only been seven owners

of the Blue Scorpion, including you.

I have people lining up willing to

lay down $100,000 for this g*n.

If we sell this thing, all our dreams will come true.

Now, of course, don't forget my cut.

♪ One pill makes you larger ♪

♪ And one pill makes you small ♪

♪ And the ones that Mother gives you ♪

♪ Don't do anything at all ♪

♪ Go ask Alice ♪

♪ When she's ten feet tall ♪

♪ And if you go ♪

♪ Chasing rabbits ♪

♪ And you know you're going to fall ♪

♪ Tell 'em a hookah-smoking caterpillar ♪

♪ Has given you the call ♪

♪ Call Alice ♪

♪ When she was just small ♪

♪ Get up and tell you where to go ♪

♪ And you've just had some kind of mushroom ♪

♪ And your mind is moving low ♪

♪ Go ask Alice ♪

♪ I think she'll know ♪

♪ When logic and proportion ♪

♪ Have fallen sloppy dead ♪

♪ And the White Knight is talking backwards ♪

♪ And the Red Queen's off with her head ♪

♪ Remember ♪

♪ What the Dormouse said ♪

♪ Feed your head ♪

Dad?

f*ck.

Oh, man, I'm so f*cking high.

Eulogio Cienfuegos.

Yeah, okay. You're not really here.

You're not... You're not there.

You're... You're a hallucination.

That name... I heard that name from the g*n dealer guy.

Mr. Storck, the p*stol wants to help end your troubles.

The Blue Scorpion loves you more than anyone.

It only asks one thing in return...

Light.

It is afraid of the dark.

Sorry.

Hello. Good afternoon.

I'd, um... I'd like to...

Um... I don't have a lot of experience with this.

-You need to rent a g*n?

-No. No, I have one.

Hello.

Can I see the g*n in order to determine if it's safe

to fire in the range?

Yeah.

No. No, please, don't, sorry.

Just don't... don't.

-Have you ever fired this g*n before?

-No. No, I haven't.

And I only need to sh**t it once.

-So...

-Why?

Why? Uh...

Because then I'm gonna sell it.

Why don't you just sell it?

Why do you have to fire it first?

Um... You know, it...

It's not so much about the sh**ting of the g*n.

It's more that the sh**ting of the g*n will destroy a b*llet.

A certain b*llet.

No, but... trust me, I'll be

much better once I get rid of this.

Okay, it... it's just a b*llet.

Ever since I've come in possession of this g*n,

weird things occur. Like,

I keep bumping into different types of people named Jeff!

And I understand that it's not an uncommon name,

but to meet a different person named Jeff

nearly every single day, it's not right.

It's weird... It's weird, right?

His name's Jeff.

F...

Ow!

You'd never hurt me.

-Excuse me.

-Just give me one second, please.

sh*t.

Okay, who's first?

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

What?

Go on...

You sure you want to go over these settlement terms

without any representation?

They can become, uh... quite uncomfortable.

Oh, I'm comfortable. Yeah.

I'm... I'm at peace, Jeff.

I'm... tranquil.

Because you see, I also have a friend who's gonna help me.

He's gonna make all of my troubles...

...disappear.

So should we get started, Jeff?

I've been looking forward to this.

Why don't we break down the assets?

-Let's start with item one: the house.

-Yeah.

-...Item 38. Fender electric bass.

No! No!

You don't get to take my dad's bass! Are you f*ck...

How can you even try?

-We're not "taking" it.

New York is an equitable distribution state.

It's unfair that you prevent such a valuable item

from liquidation, for sentimental causes.

I love you.

I do. I love you.

I love you more than anyone. I do.

-Jeff...

-I still do.

How can you try and take that from me?

I...

Well, bass guitars played at both Monterey Pop

and Watkins Glen are very rare...

Can you shut the f*ck up, Jeff?

Could you do that for me?

This ain't about you.

That language, sir, is inappropriate at this negotiation.

-The language is inappropriate.

-Okay, you know what, Jeff?

I never even wanted the bass.

I just need a break.

Do you want me to show you something

that I know you'll find inappropriate?

-Can I get security in here?

What the f*ck is this?

-Taking a break.

-Get off me! Let go of me!

We're just taking a break.

Get the f*ck off me! Get off me!

Just let me get out of here.

Okay? Can I... Can I do that?

Can I... Have it all, Anne!

Just f*cking have it all!

Just take everything!

Except the Blue Scorpion.

You can have it all and shove it up your arse!

-Escort him out.

-Okay, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go.

Before anyone gets hurt.

Just go, go, go, go, go.

I love him more than I ever loved you.

♪ Were the tears in your eyes meant for me ♪

♪ Or the man you had waiting at home? ♪

♪ I didn't mean to smile I didn't mean to laugh...♪

-Yeah?

-Jeff, it's Bob. Bob Jeff here.

Hey, I'm really sorry, I hope

it's not too late to be calling,

but I just got off the phone.

- Too late, Bob.

-Listen, no one will love

the Blue Scorpion more than me.

-Way too late.

I have no interest in selling the Blue Scorpion.

-Mr. Storck...

-So stop calling me.

-'ll be sure you get top dollar for it.

-Never call me again, understand?

-Sir, I'm begging you, please don't hang up.

Because I will never sell him.

-Please, just let me finish what I have to say. Jeff?

Jeff, you sound real busy.

I'll check with you tomorrow.

Pow!

Pow!

Pow!

You got to ask yourself...

Did it take six sh*ts or only five?

You think you love her.

But you'll never know real love.

sh*t! No... What?

Let go!

No! f*ck!

No, no, no! No!

sh*t! No!

f*ck!

No! Oh!

Drop the g*n!

I said drop the f*cking g*n now!

On the ground!

Face on the ground!

-Now!

-Get down now!

Hands where I can see 'em!

This guy's 10-100.

He matches the description of the suspect

who's been invading homes in the area.

Any ID?

Barrett. Barrett's the last name.

And his first name is Jeff?

Yeah. Why, you know him?

You want to tell me what happened here?

I want you to know that Anne greatly appreciates

what you did to protect her and Jeff that night.

All the concessions are her way of showing her gratitude.

♪ How can I face another day? ♪

♪ There's nothing romantic about my love affair ♪

♪ But how long can it stay this way? ♪

And so, Jeff, representing the regents of this university,

we would be honored if you would accept the chair

of the department of anthropology.

I'm looking for Jeffery Storck.

Yeah, that's me.

My dad says fish come closer in the morning

Yeah, but he also says Limp Bizkit is better than Kendrick Lamar.

I don't know, old people say weird sh*t like that.

All right.

All right.

No way!

Look what I found!

Oh, my God.

Look! Check out the name on this b*llet.

It's my name. Kyle.

Huh. Whatever.

Let's load it?

Oh. That actually worked.

-Oh.

-Wait, so... Hold this.

And then, I think...

Look at this.

Hey, man.

Anything you say and do will be used to you in a court of law.

Oh, kick-ass. That's so cool.

-Human beings have a funny way of treating things like people.

But today, they'll learn that as long as objects

are valued more than lives...

tragedy will forever be manufactured here...

...in The Twilight Zone.