02x04 - Cat In The Box

[bunniefuu]

She wasn't my first girl or my second.

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Listen to me, do not say the "L" word to him.

- I almost got married when I was 18.

- What happened?

He told me that he should probably go to this Brown University place.

Honestly, this Lori person sounds like a real c**t.

She he has threatened to send out a blanket e-mail to all of the Hamilton parents.

We're just going to delay the announcement of your promotion a couple of weeks.

I'm making a silent vow to never ever end up like you.

Oh, dear God.

I made that.

Jack.

This just got weird.

So, whatever happened to that skinny, Nordic-looking chick you start dating immediately...

after...

After you dumped me?

I married her.

Ruby.

Sure.

I'll be right there.

I was never here.

Okay, don't leave my tab open.

I left his tab open.

My man.

How would you feel about helping kids - get to the other side of 21?

- Like a wellness center.

She didn't seem like an ex.

She seemed like the ex.

It feels fragile.

The three of us.

You guys have been third-wheeling the sh*t out of me!

You've decided that I'm not fluid, I'm a lesbian?

Okay, well, f*ck you for making massive life decisions completely on your own that affect both of us.

Well then, f*ck you both for chasing me down half-cocked, you matching set of dumbshits!

Ok, what are we supposed to do about the elephant?

You know, we may have slapped a coat of paint on it so it'd blend in with the walls, but I can still see it.

You know why?

'Cause it's a big painted elephant standing in our f*cking bedroom.

So, this elephant in the room, what does it...

- well, what does it represent?

- Imbalance.

It represents imbalance.

I know that.

He has this absurd notion we're third-wheeling him.

That he's our penis bridge to a more traditional lesbian relationship.

I don't know, I mean, imagine I had a phase in my life where I was just like...

you know, swimming in dicks.

That's something I would probably tell my wife about, okay?

But not her.

Apparently, three of her past five relationships have been with women.

I didn't know about it.

Might have been nice to - drop me a hint.

- Mm-hmm.

So, Jack has now officially proclaimed me a h*m*.

Okay.

This whole thing started when Ding and Dong here raced to the airport to stop me from going home to Colorado but just forgot to discuss what they'd do when they got me back.

And don't even get me started - on the pumpkin spice f*cking candles.

- What?

I thought you liked those.

- What's wrong with them?

- You don't like the candles or the...

- the pumpkin spice flavor?

- They're very seasonal.

- We love them.

- So...

so would you say that perhaps the can...

The candles are a metaphor?

Yes, for our, uh...

our conventional 30-to-40-something suburban life?

- Is that it?

- I don't know.

Maybe, or they may just be gross.

'Cause honestly, once you get it into your head, once you make the connection, you can't stop thinking that they smell like human feces, so...

_ Morning.

Hey, 'sup?

Uh, I was...

I was just gonna have some cereal.

You know just like...

you know, reg cereal.

Um, it's not a big deal.

Do you want some?

Whatever, I don't care.

You're busy, so...

bye.

- Uh, and I'll see you later.

- What, uh...

- just see what's behind door number 1.

- Whoa.

Uh, that was a weird thing to say.

Is that a game-show reference?

I don't really get it 'cause I'm not 60.

You need to stop that.

Stop what?

That whole, "I see you, Nina Martone" thing.

I get it, fellow doctoral candidate.

We can read each other's sh*t.

You sure about that?

What's my sh*t?

Uh, pretending that you don't have any sh*t, - which means you're super f*cked up.

- Wow.

I'm sorry to disappoint you.

Parents are happily married.

Great family.

Still got to Blazers games with my Pops.

Pops?

Oh, God.

It's even worse than I thought.

It's...

you're just...

you're chronically happy, which means you're unacceptably dull.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, sorry.

That didn't seem to be your diagnosis last night.

- Mm?

- Mm-hmm.

I'm not running away to Brown University.

Izzy tell you that?

Um...

Oh, my God.

You're still hanging out with Izzy.

You guys are still f*cking.

I really am rebound girl.

No, Nina.

No, not at all.

Look, we ran into each other on campus.

We had a cup of coffee so that I could download the Nina Martone user's manual.

And then she threatened to wear my balls as earrings - if I ever hurt you.

- That's even worse than f*cking her.

No, it's not.

Okay.

Hyperbolic...

obviously not worse than f*cking her, but I...

Why would she tell you that?

She's the only person in the entire world...

Well, maybe because I told her I'm falling for you.

Nina.

I have to get to class.

Hey, babe!

Nina!

You're still in your jams.

And you didn't take your purse or anything else.

I didn't really have to get to class.

No sh*t.

Seriously?

I kind of panicked there for a second.

No sh*t.

It's, uh...

it's kind of like a lumberjack type of thing.

I guess we could microwave and share it.

I would like that.

I feel like I'm on the outside of this mundane suburban ritual looking in.

You know?

What do you think that means?

It means we're taking out the trash.

Therapy has its perils.

Hey.

- Hey.

- About time.

- You good?

- Yeah.

Hi.

Glad you can still walk.

Thank you.

So girls can't drink beer?

Is that how it works around here?

Yeah, we have a strict, uh, no beer for girls policy here in the land where time stood still.

No cursing either.

You sure you want to live in this backwards f*cking hellhole?

Is it second Friday already?

Oh, it's guys' night.

So there's a guys' night but not a girls' night.

- Um, actually, there is...

tonight.

- Oh.

Can you, uh, like, possibly dial down the righteous indignation to like a 9?

Sorry.

Apparently, therapy makes me salty.

Oh, boy.

- What?

- No, you just...

Therapy?

Freak train's already running off the rails?

- Really gonna miss you, Izzy.

- Guys, come on.

It's just a check-up.

You know, proactive relationship maintenance.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

We'll talk about it tonight.

Yeah, we will.

Oh, right, yeah.

That's awesome.

And hope you like Chardonnay.

I've actually never had it 'cause I'm not a desperate housewife of anywhere.

But I'm gonna invite my friend Nina because I live here now.

Across the street.

Okay.

Glad that all got worked out.

- See you in 10 minutes?

- Yeah, definitely.

- I'm sorry.

- Yeah, no, totally.

- We can just...

- Em?

Carm?

Do you have a sec?

Oh, sh...

should I go sit on the curb - while the adults talk or... ?

- No, no, you too.

Whatever your real name is.

Okay, make it quick 'cause I'm having some kind of allergic reaction.

Yeah, like, uh, like your skin's crawling?

I see you're not gonna make this easy for me.

Well, let's see, Lori.

Because of you, I got kicked off of the theater project built on my blood, sweat, and tears, and now I hate going to work.

But, uh, yeah, sure.

Let's make this easy for you.

I wanted to apologize.

I was hoping that we could start over and be friends?

Like, maybe I could come over for whatever it is - you guys do every second Friday.

- Yeah, no.

Yeah, we're at capacity.

Like, maximum occupancy.

Yeah, it's like a fire safety thing.

Sorry.

I had an epiphany.

I'm an assh*le.

Always last to know.

My mother was an assh*le, her mother before her, and now my daughter is becoming an assh*le.

Ava?

Come on.

She came out of the box that way.

So to speak.

No, she was my angel.

I'm hoping to break the assh*le cycle before it's too late.

Sure.

Really?

See ya later.

- Oh, God, where is it?

- What?

The pumpkin spice candle.

Ugh.

I only lit one of them.

Wait...

them?

Why?

- What's this?

- Hey.

A number in the middle of a piece of paper?

- It's a salary.

- Like every year?

Yeah, every year.

Wow.

Private jet.

Five-star hotel.

- Wait, so this is about a job?

- Mm-hmm.

- Em.

- Yeah.

Yeah, coolest firm in Seattle.

Their, um...

their senior partner is 60-something, so...

- so they have been insinuating...

- They've been insinuating...

wait Sorry.

Um, how long has this been going on?

I mean, it's just a discussion.

It's not...

it's not like I'm actually gonna go.

You don't...

you don't take the company jet and stay in a hotel like this if you're gonna say no.

You know?

Massive "f*ck you" that gets around really fast, so...

So you're not even considering it like at all?

Even with your promotion on hold?

Okay.

It's really awesome.

So, me, you, Carmen, Lori, Nina, sh*t ton of Chardonnay...

this could get weird.

I recommend you curb your enthusiasm.

Hmm.

What's wrong?

Clomid time.

- Whoa, you're still doing all that?

- Yep.

And I got to lay off the booze and the weed.

- You must really want a kid.

- I must.

What about you?

Or are you too young to even think about that yet?

Uh...

Honestly, I've...

I've dreamt about it since I can remember.

Only child of a broken family goes real hard in one of two directions, so...

Um...

- When you and Jack get pregnant...

- If.

- lf we get pregnant.

- Okay, if you get pregnant, what does that make me?

How is that misogynistic?

I mean, it sounds like a compliment, but it's really just like saying "fairer sex." Exactly, it's...

it's like a thinly veiled prescription.

You stay pretty and keep your sh*t together so I don't have to.

- Yeah, exactly.

- Right?

Does it hurt?

- Don't answer.

Don't say it.

Don't answer.

- Does what hurt?

You know, you two getting your heads so far up each other's asses.

- Oh, come on.

- Jack!

- What are you even talking about?

- No, I'm telling you.

- Hi.

- Hey.

This is, um...

- Ashton.

- Ashton.

- What's up?

- My date from Tinder...

in a land where he's still my age.

Probably should update.

Haven't changed much, though.

- That's a nice piece, man.

- Thanks.

20K.

- But who checks price tags?

- I'll tell you who, it's poor people.

Gotta get the newest one, out next year.

Got to pace it up, babe.

Reservation's five minutes ago.

Boys.

Okay.

You still want the wellness thing to happen, you will call me in five minutes and get me out.

Ashton.

Hmm.

What are these looks for?

Don't give me that look.

She's just an old friend.

Oh, so you're saying that wasn't Ruby, the chick who dumped you right before you met Emma?

Holy sh*t.

Are you bringing that one in, too?

She interviewed me for the professor position.

- That's all.

- Oh, no sh*t.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Now we're thinking about starting a wellness center at Griffin.

That's perfect for you.

It's super gay.

So does your current harem know about this?

- Or is it like a secret?

- Okay, enough.

- I'm just asking.

- You know what?

This is...

It's been one hour, and you guys have already pissed me off, okay?

- What?

- New record.

- Good guys' night.

- Don't lump me in with him.

Jacky!

And that's how it works.

Boom...

he's gone like a little bitch.

You're an incredibly wise man, you know that?

- I know.

Thanks, Dave.

- I was being sarcastic.

Yeah, you better run.

David!

I love my Pops.

I see more of him now than I did as a kid, though.

He was always at work.

He sold, uh...

sh*t.

But, uh...

Whatever...

he sold something.

We'll say insurance.

My point is, is that I was raised in a household of women...

mom and two big sisters...

so I'm very comfortable on this side of the fence.

- It's still weird, right?

- Mm-hmm.

Don't worry...

his penis isn't gonna puncture - you're hallowed chick night.

- All that said, I will not be drinking Chardo-f*ckin'-nay Won't do it.

Gives a man breasts.

I don't even like Chardonnay.

And yet when I gather with two or more women, I reflexively drink it.

I'm starting to think we've been mass media brain-f*cked.

Hey.

What are you making?

Old fashioned...

classic cocktail.

Mind making another?

I would...

I would be honored.

You know what?

Make that two.

The revolution will not be televised.

No more Chardonnay...

say it with me, people.

That's not gonna happen.

Tastes like flat Fresca, but I strangely don't hate it.

I have Molly in the car.

- Mm.

- Your dog's in the car?

- Who's Molly?

- Bring her in.

We love dogs.

- No.

Mnh-mnh.

- Oh.

- Oh, oh.

- Yeah.

- dr*gs.

- dr*gs.

- Mm-hmm.

- We know lots of dogs are called Molly, so...

You know, I...

I think I'm gonna probably stay on this side of my line, but yeah.

And I'll be going home to two small children and one presumably wasted husband, so...

But, uh, we're all adults here, so, yeah, by, uh...

by all means indulge.

- I'm in.

- Let's roll.

And the light beer is you, I assume.

Here he is.

Hey, uh, is my tab still open from last time?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you want me to just put these on that?

- Might as well.

- Cheers.

Listen, uh, while I have you here, I used your riff the other day...

the one you said to what's-his-pickle about what's-her-nuts.

And it kind of came across as a little insensitive to the autism community.

Yeah, that's not meant for them.

No, I...

I didn't use it on an autistic person.

But I was wondering if you could kind of clarify how I use it.

Actually, no, I'm sorry.

- Just a flat no, huh?

- Yeah, if you could just maybe - leave my tab open again, that'd be great.

- Sure.

- Enjoy your flat beer.

- Yeah.

Thanks.

Interesting.

What the hell was that about?

- You, Dr.

Trakarsky.

- Hey, you.

My liberator, you are a f*cking genius.

Did you actually tell him that you're a surgeon that specializes in a**l retractions?

Because that was technically my idea.

I gave him that to give to you.

So I'm...

I'm the genius.

I'm just saying.

It was my idea, as well.

Dislodging a TV remote as we speak.

You know, a domestic dispute, so...

- Ohh.

- Hey, how you doing?

Remember me?

Does this look familiar?

Jack's big brother.

How are you?

Uh...

a little.

- Yeah.

You were big.

- Yeah.

- And loud.

- Yeah, he's so different now.

Thank you.

So, I quit smoking like five years, six months, and two days ago, but I have been traumatized.

So I bought a pack, and I desperately need one.

Chat about the wellness center?

- Sure.

- Yeah?

Sure, yeah.

I'm also traumatized by the company I keep, - as you can tell.

- Oh.

More specifically, he's traumatized by - me trying to turn him into a man.

- Bam, yeah.

- Now I remember you.

- Yes.

Now she remembers you.

Do you have any idea what it's like to be the one at the sleepover who gets picked up early because "nothing good happens after 10:00"?

Can you even fathom how something like that...

it defines you?

Especially when everyone else's mom already hates your mom because she's a horrible, superior bitch.

How...

how that scorn and the ridicule...

it just makes you spiteful.

This is all exploding in my head like a giant cycle of assholishness that is my responsibility to break for the sake of my daughter.

I mean, does that make sense?

- I feel like I was rambling.

Was I rambling?

- Wow.

That was just...

sh*t, man.

I'm sorry, but f*ckin' A.

That was so damn beautiful.

Dial it back, Moonbeam.

So deep and real and raw.

Yeah.

Hmm.

It seems like you met Molly, but you didn't.

Right?

Well, thank you.

Uh, but I don't know...

are you...

Oh.

Molly's amazing.

You would f*cking love Molly.

She would...

she would complete you.

So, is Molly a...

a motivational speaker - or cult leader?

- Yes.

Uh, yes, that's exactly who she is.

Um, Molly...

- Morgenstern.

- Very controversial.

- Emma.

- Mm-hmm?

Your skin isn't like butter.

It is butter.

- It...

it's not butter.

- Come here.

No, no.

Okay.

Okay, enough with the heavy petting.

Yeah?

You stay over there for a while.

Chardonnay.

This sh*t is a revelation.

So beautifully complex.

I feel ashamed about any prejudice that I brought to this experience.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

- It is good.

- It's good.

Not sure I'm getting quite as much out of it as you, but...

Lori.

Lori.

You're forgiven.

And you are loved.

None of us will ever make you leave the sleepover.

Ever.

Oh, that was so good, Iz.

So poignant.

Poignant.

- Poignant.

- Oh, hey, Lori.

- My babysitter just texted.

- And...

everyone forgives you, so...

Except for me.

I'm gonna need a little more convincing, so let's finish up at my house, okay?

Wha...

no, no.

They're being so nice.

- I love you, Lori.

- I love you.

Okay, that's great.

Here we go.

- Bring your drink.

- Oh.

Okay.

You are loved!

- Yeah.

- So loved.

Thank...

thank you for coming.

- You are loved.

- Let me just put my shoes on.

Thanks for coming.

- All right.

- Take my glass?

It's overwhelming.

- Lori Matherfield, can you believe it?

- Yeah.

I...

I was conducting a very important experiment.

Trying to figure out the level of drunk that it would take to make a guy like that fuckable.

Okay, well, I only met him briefly, but I would have to go with, uh, thoroughly blacked out maybe.

I think my vag*na would scream until I woke up.

Yeah.

All right, I just said "fuckable" and "vag*na" before we finished a cigarette.

Okay, here we go.

Um, I think we have a really good sh*t at this wellness center idea, Dr.

Trakarsky.

- Yeah.

Good.

- Boom...

abruptly and awkwardly back to business.

I think your ex is an assh*le.

- And an idiot.

- That he is.

Thank you.

What?

What are you thinking?

Alternate realities.

Yeah.

Did you know that there are molecular tests that suggest that there's, like, thousands of realities that are happening at once?

- Right.

Cat in the box.

- That's right.

- Right?

- Yeah.

You open the lid, and you're discovering only one of the many outcomes.

Cat's dead, cat's alive.

Cat has kittens.

Ruby didn't break up with Jack.

Ruby didn't break up with Jack.

It's all so f*cking complicated now, though...

Roo.

You have no idea.

Roo...

I haven't heard that in a long time.

I like it.

It's nice.

Maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm the one making it complicated.

Maybe it's not them.

Them?

It's a long story.

I need to go home.

Wait, do it again.

It feels so good.

Ho, ho, ho.

It's like you put on mittens.

- So, this is happening.

- Hey, you.

Come in.

The water's warm.

- It's so warm.

- Izzy, um...

yeah, yeah...

Izzy took Molly.

I...

and I tried to...

Great, it's awesome.

So now - aphrodisiacs are part of chicks' night?

- That's right.

No more Chardonnay.

- No more Char...

No one?

- Jack.

Come on.

Is he mad?

Are you mad?

- How is that fair?

- Just not now.

- What?

Not now?

- Just not right now.

Jack, let us...

let us just dry off, and then we can talk about this.

Listen to me.

Like, a minute before you came in, I just said to her...

didn't I?

I just said...

I just finished telling someone that I was the complication, that I was to blame.

Someone?

What someone?

Ruby.

f*ck this.

Jack!

f*ck!

Okay, we didn't...

we didn't do anything wrong.

He's never left like that before.

Just go to your side of the tub.

The adventure begins.

Want even more You Me Her?

We're together!

Go online to continue the conversation.

What were you doing while you were hugging the toilet and - staring at your phone.

- I was checking the calendar.

- Seriously?

- So does this mean you're late?

Why are you hugging me?

Jack left and you said he never leaves.

- He wants a family.

- So does Izzy as it turns out.

And you?

- Hey.

- Hi.