04x08 - A Whole BouIllabaisse of Crazy

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "You Me Her"...

You actually named the bar "Therapy"?

- I actually did.
- Just because you're suddenly

an entrepreneur with a magical penis

doesn't mean that you're the
new sheriff in town, capisce?

Mom's coming to town, and
Jack's gonna make nice with her,

or I'm gonna go postal on his ass.

Sheriff Lala is fining
us for Izzy's door.

That door represents our lives,
our family, and our freedom!

And scene.

A-plus on the outrage.

Jack and Emma, you stepped
outside of your relationship

to find a spark, and
that spark's name is Izzy.

So why shouldn't she have the
same opportunity to explore?

- Is that what you want?
- No.

Remember my boss Nathan?

Last night, we made
some not-so-good choices.

Holy sh*t.

We just egged the holy
f*ck out of Lala's door.

Hey, we're gonna lose our jobs.

Why did I drag you into this?

I wanted to be with you.

It's Lala, and she brought a movie.

What kind of movie?

A mash-up of my two favorite genres...

true crime and found footage.

From my neighbor's security camera.

Neighbor b*rned me a copy of
his security cam footage...

so I can take it to the police.

What?

You're looking a little
rough, sugar baby.

Excuse me?

Did you break into the
grown-up's liquor cabinet?

If you have something to say to me...

Ooh! This is the good part!

- Is that Nathan?
- Bam!

- Huh?
- It's...

Nothing to see.

What the f*ck, Iz?

Was Coach Remi right?

- Do you want to see other people?
- No!

No, that's... are you
guys f*cking kidding me?

I mean, it... it...
it's not what it look...

I mean, I ca... I can't. I...

Okay, so you guys are
seeing what you want to see.

That's clear.

What... what is that supposed to mean?

You think we wanted you to cheat?

- I...
- Hey, how's about you save

the therapy for some other time

and we circle on back to the tape?

In what way is you making
out with Nathan our fault?

- Or not.
- A, I didn't.

And B, you know what?

How about we just cut
the bullshit, okay?

And let's just admit that
we're never leaving Stepford,

and I'm never having my own kids.

How about you cut the bullshit, Izzy?

Saying that we want you
to run off with Nathan

is the most desperate diversion

I have ever heard in my f*cking life.

Okay, so, when you got pregnant,

we didn't just circle right
back around to the life

you dreamt of before we met, right?

If this isn't what you want,

then why didn't you just say something?

You know, instead of buying
us pumpkin spice candles

and planning a party.

It seems implied, like,

it's mixed into this great
big bouillabaisse of crazy,

but you are confessing, right?

I'm sorry, Lala.

If I lose my job, we're
gonna lose this house, and...

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but Hawthorne Heights is
as good a place as any.

What? It is?

I said I'd try, so I will.

This is intense.

Listen, uh, how's about
you stay off my lawn

and clean that egg off my door,

and we'll call it a
day, okay, sugar baby?

I will.

Oh, f*ck.

It's Helen.

Oh, God, I need this.

Guys, guys, guys.

I got news. I got glorious news.

- I just won the lottery.
- Is... Is that a joke?

That... That's a joke, right?

Please tell me that's a f*cking joke.

Five hunny, baby.

Dinner's on Daddy.

Okay, for the record,
if he won five billion,

I still wouldn't call him that.

Unless you were
screamin' it, am I right?

- A sex joke.
- Okay.

So exciting!

Hey, um, I'm gonna go pee for a while

and maybe scarf your best vodka.

Probably at the same time.

So just, uh, have a wonderful day you...

Uh... You, uh...*

Winner.

"Daddy?"

Oh, yeah, I'd go back

and leave that one in
the chamber if I could.

Uh, no, no, I understand.

Well, thank you for being honest.

Yeah, if we could just...

It's over.

And houses on this block
hit the market, like...

- Never.
- Yeah, never.

Yeah, somebody convinced
her to take a matching offer

and that no one wants
us in the neighborhood.

We made up, remember?

You guys can't possibly think
that this makes me happy.

Honey, you're gonna hurt
yourself... just say it.

I need to know that this
will never happen again, okay?

We're about to have twins.
We don't need a third child.

Well, you've made that pretty
damn clear, haven't you, Em?

You know what? Let's...
let's settle down, okay?

Nobody's decided
anything about anything.

No, you know what? She's right.

I don't want any more kids.

Full stop.

Iz, we're almost 40.

We want to retire someday, travel.

That's not gonna happen

if we're paying college
tuitions into our sixties.

And we've talked about
this so many times.

Unless you've changed your mind.

Well, there it is.

Thanks, I guess.

My issue isn't with the
concept of fitness, per se.

It's with the people that
actually pursue it, you know?

Mm-hmm. I pursue things
that are easier to catch.

Like the perfect pairing of a
cheeseburger and a craft beer.

But, like, my fear is that
the moment I find it, I die.

I'm joking? Uh, cool.

Brilliant.

I mean, you just get it, all of it.

You just strip it down to its
most fundamental principles.

I do all those things?

That seems so unlikely.

- You're an amazing human.
- Hmm.

And I would love to
play just a small role

in whatever it is that
you're creating here.

It's a bar, okay?

With stools and booths.

Sorry, carry on.

All the love.

Ahh.

How 'bout her, huh?

Got a signature sign off and everything.

She's certainly a... a shrew.

Oh, my God, right?

Horrible, horrible interviewee.

- Wait, oh, you're leaving?
- Yep.

Can you actually...

Oh, a... are you seriously asking me

to take out that bag of trash?

Uh...

I could easily lie to you right now.

But I won't 'cause I
respect you too much.

And it's right there, and you
were just heading out, and...

And... and... and what? You're the boss?

Hmm? Is that what you were gonna say?

No, I was gonna say, it's
just full of Styrofoam,

so it's not heavy or gross,
but if you don't want to...

I quit, okay?

Good luck finding another
bartender with a PhD.

Fun fact, seven of the applicants...

Oh, Jesus, really?

Oh, nope.

Neen, you're not
seriously gonna quit a bar

that I named for you?

I'm, uh... I'm quitting everything.

I'm so confused right now.

Yeah, that is abundantly clear.

Every bumpy road leads us to this rug.

The hub of our universe.

Because we know we can only get here

and to each other by
sabotaging ourselves.

Uh, speak for yourself, head shrinker.

I'm the victim. Shaun did this to me.

By getting his sh*t together?

Uh, by naming his bar after you?

By being really good at sex?

Oh, and, like, f*ring off pheromones

like a fireworks show? Come on.

He won the lottery.

Like metaphorically?

Literally.

Of course he did.

Okay, tell me your sh*t. It
always makes me feel better.

Well...

Jack and Emma don't want any more kids.

"Full stop."

Oh, f*ck.

I really thought that you
were in the batter's box.

I was.

And then Emma hit a, uh...

two-child walk-off homer.

They're never leaving Hawthorne Heights,

and they don't want any more kids.

And we all keep keeping secrets

because we're all scared shitless

that our truths can't live together.

And I think...

I think that this commitment
party has become like a, um...

A what?

Like, a, um...

like a deadline, or something.

Hey... Hey.

That is way too heavy
for one little girl,

so let me help, okay?

Okay.

So, don't buy the house with them,

and don't adopt their kids.

Does that really mean
that it has to be over?

I think it does, yeah.

Well, you'll always have me.

Always.

I mean, it's pretty clear at this point

that we both keep blowing
up our other relationships

so we can fulfill our destinies
of being stoned spinsters

who can only stand each other.

But for real, you, uh...

you got to stop running to
me to tell me your truth,

and you got to start laying it on them.

You guys are all scared
shitless of rocking the boat...

... but the boat needs to be rocked.

Hey.

Hello, you hear me?

Say something.

Power washer.

You're thinking about
Nathan and Izzy, aren't you?

Yeah. That freeze-frame image
is seared onto my eyelids.

Maybe Coach Crazy was right,

and that's why she was
"almost kissing" Nathan.

Yeah, well, I couldn't do it his way.

No strings attached, each of
us free to see other people?

I mean, I know myself.
I couldn't take it.

- Same.
- So, tea, yes, maybe?

You know what? No offense, Marty,

but this is the opposite
of a tea situation.

Oh, look. It's Polly.

And Polly's Penis.

Will, the neighbors want
to talk to you about the...

I don't care.

- Hold on.
- Wait.

You're the one screwing us
over on the house, aren't you?

Oh, because I'm gay
and fashionable and thin

and therefore the nosy
neighbor all up in your beeswax?

Because you're an assh*le.
Objective fact. Ask anyone.

- Yeah.
- Ugh, I'm already bored of this.

Uh, sure, fine, yeah,
it was... it was me.

Huh. So you're railroading
us out of this neighborhood

over an orange f*cking door.

Oh, I love your door.

Gonna paint our bedroom Marigold 142.

And by the time I'm
done, a nice normal couple

with two and a half kids will
be moving into the Wilberg house.

A... a normal couple? Normal couple?

Yeah, I'm saying I'd rather
have a grotesque half-child

lurching around than you three asshats.

Wha... did I seriously just hear that

from a member of our community?

You can back that sh*t
up real quick, Polly.

We are not members
of the same community.

L.G.B.T.Q.

The... The "G" and the "B" are,
like, literally side-by-side.

So, some chamomile?

We're, uh... that's what we're...

Spoiler alert: Your movie ends badly.

Mnh-mnh.

"Open" is a myth.

A toxic, destructive myth.

- I feel sorry for you.
- Yeah.

Somebody hurt you.

Wrong.

I did the hurting.

So much, and now I get
to drag all that behind me

like some backasswards Sisyphus.

Fine, but you see us hurting anyone?

Yeah, I do.

So, vodka it is.

Hey.

Whoa.

Leave any for me?

Beer or the self-loathing?

For an alcoholic, they're
both one in the same.

I always forget that about you.

That's good, because as a people,

we can be intermittently insufferable.

Up until three hours and...

nine minutes ago, I had
the girl of my dreams.

Women started looking
at me like I was...

like I was Ryan Reynolds' bigger-boned

but more approachable brother.

I was $500 richer.

You blew your fortune already?

I gave it all away.

Who does that?

But what good is money
if your heart is... is...

It's like that chocolate Easter bunny

you forgot at the back of the fridge.

It's... it's just cold,
and it's... it's hollow.

And then when you bite into it,
it shatters into a million pieces.

You been saving that one up for a while?

- You might want to put it back.
- What the hell did I do?

Why... why... why's she so mad at me?

Just because things are
going my way for once?

I mean, my successes are her
successes, and vice versa,

because we're... we're a team.

Does she know that? That last part?

Well, we're talking about a woman

who openly refers to me as her sl*ve.

She literally texts me a
to-do list every Monday.

I'm... I'm pretty sure she's
confident in this relationship.

Yeah, but is she, though?

C... can we...

can we dispense with
the leading questions

and get to the hard-earned
drunk-pants wisdom?

Okay, coming atcha: In all honesty,

I have never seen a more literal example

of zero-to-hero than you in all my life.

Sorry, and you're welcome.

No worries. Thank you.

She's afraid of any man
who has more power than her

because she's been hurt.

Yeah, more like destroyed.

Her first love. But come on, man.

I'm... I'm Shaun the f*ckin' bartender.

Even I know I'm an affable dipshit.

Yeah, but that was "Parks
and Rec" Chris Pratt.

This is "Jurassic Park" Chris Pratt.

- Ah.
- Ah.

Yeah, don't... don't... don't do that.

See? I'm an affable dipshit.

I've made peace with this.

You're living the dream, man.

She was the best part of the dream.

And now we've come full circle.

Does she know that?

Oh.

- See?
- There you go.

That's a good one.

Ben, you're like Yoda.

You know, if he was a carpenter,
which would be more like Jesus.

Holy sh*t, man, you're Jesus.

Your words, not mine.

Can't wear sandals on a
construction site, though.

No, you can't.

Hey.

- What's this?
- Oh, this?

This giant contraption
that I just hauled in?

Um, well, it's a ridiculously
on-the-nose metaphor for a clean slate.

Babe, let's keep this in perspective.

All you did was get
drunk and egg Lala's door.

I think that it's more than that.

Sometimes an egg is just an
egg and a door is just a door.

Okay, Freud.

I don't think that this
is one of those times.

I drank my frontal lobe into submission,

and my id shat where I sleep,
and I'm gonna wash away the egg,

but I do think that we
need to talk about the sh*t.

What is your shitty
id trying to tell us?

Isn't it obvious? She hates it here.

That's not true.

Okay, well, it's not entirely true.

I just think that maybe I'm
here sooner than I thought.

We're keeping things to ourselves

to protect our happy ending,

and we're afraid to admit
that maybe we don't want

exactly the same things
at exactly the same time.

Yeah. Polly foul number 4.

- Oh, f*ck that sh*t.
- Yeah, f*ck that sh*t.

What are we?

My dad was right.

Don't tell him that, but
someone has to compromise,

and this time it's gonna be me.

Hawthorne Heights is your home,

and it makes sense for
you and your babies.

Our... our babies.

Our babies.

You're amazing.

And we are family!

And that's worth fighting for, I think.

Okay, listen.

- Focus.
- Dad, you said the thing.

Yeah, well, just focus a little more.

Well, then you do it.

Don't... listen... don't
worry about the paint.

HOA list has scads of
perfectly good options.

No reason whatsoever to
stray outside of it, right?

I was doing one spot just like you said.

Oh, Will, Marty, you're here. Sorry.

Um, could I have a moment?

Thank you for coming.
Just hold on one sec.

Okay, um, I want to apologize

for all the trouble that I've caused,

and I'm gonna paint our
door one of Lala's colors.

I'm gonna say this real slow

'cause you don't seem to
be grasping the concept.

It's not about the f*cking door.

That's especially true now that

I filled out a request for Marigold 142.

And, after careful
deliberation, I approved it.

Thank you.

We disrespected the community,

and we behaved like we were above it...

or outside of it or whatever.

Look, it's on us to fit in,
and I think we know that now.

- However...
- You may just want to stop right there.

Almost done. However, you are
totally within your rights to bitch

about the color of the door

and anything that happens outside of it,

but what happens inside is
none of your f*cking business.

- Oh.
- Are we clear?

You made your point, Sugar Baby.

Mm, that's gonna stop.

I'm gonna need you to
say "We're clear, Izzy,"

because that's my name.

- We are clear, Izzy.
- We're clear, Izzy.

I never had an issue with you.

I know.

I will take that, so, thanks.

Um, one last thing, I
want the house, okay?

- I can't f*ck this up for them.
- Sorry. It's out of my hands now.

Whoa.

Okay, maybe I can make
the other offer go away,

but it won't be easy.

Done. Ah, I'm exhausted.

You owe me.

I'm gonna go take a well-deserved nap.

Thank you so much.

Probably not hugging, though, sorry.

- Okay.
- I'm hugging.

- Thank you.
- Oh, you're a little wet.

Oh, that's not a problem.

I like that big stick.

What's happening?

- Is he in this, uh...
- No.

Just gonna ask if he used vinegar.

- Like that?
- That's great.

- Hey.
- Nope, you just sit.

You can sit.

Cool... we're not,
uh... that's how it is.

No hugs.

Uh, sorry.

Um...

Here's the thing.

Um...

There was this very
s... specific moment...

the other night when you...

when you joined me behind the hedge.

The Almost Kiss.

I just need to be perfectly clear

that it wasn't that for me.

But then I... I watched
the security footage,

- and I realized that...
- You realized it was?

For you.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look.

We're extremely compatible.

I mean, there's... there's
no... there's no denying that.

- B... but... but Nina said...
- You talked to Nina about me.

Nina said that it was never about you.

And shitty as that sounds, it's true.

I mean, just imagining
any version of my life

without them, it makes me, like...

like, the saddest I've ever been.

That's... that's gonna bruise.

Hmm?

Nothing.

Can we be good? Please?

'Cause I... I'd really
like us to be good.

Yeah, yeah. Um...

try this again.

See you at school?

Not if I see you first, nerd.

Jack.

Mom.