03x03 - Declarations of Independence

[bunniefuu]

I love the Fourth of July.

When else can you make a red, white and blue potato salad?

Happy birthday, America.

Get used to this, Deej.

Every year, Fernando gets all patriotic, because he loves his adopted country.

It is true.

Today, I do not answer to Fernando Hernandez—-Guerrero-F ernandez—Guerrero.

Today, my name is Frank Smith.

In charge of grillin'.

I'mma git ‘er done.

Make way, everybody.

My one-legged ladylove is coming through.

I knew this thing would come in handy.

I was gonna get her a Little Rascal to ride around on, but then I thought, "I'll be her little rascal to ride around on."

Thank you, Jimmy, but I don't wanna be a burden.

Everyone has been waiting on me hand and foot.

It's really time that I start doing things on my own.

So, please, do not help me.

Okay. —I mean it.

No helping me. —All right.

I'll help you by not helping you.

Does that help?

Because if it does, I won't do it.

Hey, Mom, do we have any dynamite?

Yeah, sure, sweetie. It's in the spice cabinet, next to the hand grenades.

Why do you need dynamite?

It's Fourth of July!

The pilgrims fought for my right to blow stuff up.

Yer darn tootin', buckaroo.

You're weird.

Back to me.

Mom, Rose is coming over. I want to impress her.

The babes dig explosions.

Okay, please don't refer to women as "babes."

Fine.

The chicks dig explosions.

Okay, you know what? Just stick with "babes."

Hey, I don't want you anywhere near fireworks. Or fire, or flames.

Or Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Those things stain everything.

Happy Fourth of July!

Hey.

I know.

Hey, Dad. —It's exciting, right?

Hi.

Dad, where's your beautiful wife?

Oh, Teri. Well, she had a yoga retreat, and I tried to talk her into coming, but she wouldn't bend.

Get it? Yoga, bend?

I don't get it.

If she's doing yoga, she should be able to bend.

Your joke makes no sense.

Yeah, the boy does have a point.

What if he used the word "flexible"?

No, you still run into the same problem.

Yeah, but maybe if it was pottery class instead of yoga.

And instead of Teri, it was a priest, a rabbi and Bigfoot.

See, Grandpa, that's how you make people laugh.

Hey, kid, I'll have you know, people have been laughing at me for a long time.

Wait, that didn't come out right.

Anyway, I came up here to do a little interview with D.J. and Matt for my show.

Plus, I could never miss a Danny Tanner Annual Fourth of July Barbecue.

I mean, how could 1? It's named after me.

I noticed you didn't bring anything to the Danny Tanner Barbecue.

And I noticed you're living for free in the Danny Tanner house.

Welcome home, Danny Tanner.

Ramona!

Lola! Oh, my God! Hi!

You literally haven't been in my house in forever.

Literally, forever.

I think we're using "literally" literally too much.

I've kind of been avoiding Jackson.

He's just too nice.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

"Are you hot? Are you cold? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty?"

He's just being thoughtful.

"Is Lola hot? Is Lola cold? Is Lola hungry? Is Lola thirsty?"

I have to break up with him.

But he's so sweet and I don't wanna hurt his feelings.

Can I practice on you?

You want me to be Jackson? What do I do?

Just be obsessed with me.

Look, Jackson, we gotta talk.

Oh, my God. Don't tell me you're breaking up with me.

I can change.

I can change everything about me.

You're the best thing in my entire life.

Why, Lola?

Why?

That's exactly what he's gonna do.

"I'm coming in."

I'm here!

Lola, I'm about to blow your mind.

Grandpa!

You guys ready to rock?

Lola Esther Wong, this song makes me think of you.

You're about to find out why.

Two, three, four!

Her name was Lola See, that's why.

She was a showgirl With yellow feathers in her hair And a dress cut down fo there She would merengue And do the cha—-cha And while she fried to be a star Tony always tended bar Across the crowded floor They worked from 8:00 till 4:00 They were young and they had each other Who could ask for more?

Af the Copa, Copacabana Music and passion Were always the fashion Af the Copa They fell in love That was so good. —That was so good!

Wait, wait, wait.

We were not finished.

Ah, don't worry about it.

The audience doesn't matter. It's the music that counts.

Yeah. —Okay. Two, three, four!

Af the Copa, Copacabana...

All right, guys, we're going live on Facebook in just a few moments.

I hope this goes as well as Copacabana.

Because / crushed if I really crushed it Oh, by the way, if it comes up, my show business age is 42.

So you were two when you had D.J.

Dude, this is Hollywood. Regis says he's 47.

Okay, I am really nervous.

I've never done a live broadcast before.

Well, sweetheart, just follow my lead.

Now, I don't like to brag, but I was interviewed tailgating outside of a Dolphins game, and they used my clip on the news because I had the best sound bite.

Go, Dolphins!

Yeah, I know.

You told me that on our first date.

Yeah, 'cause chicks dig animal impressions.

So that's where Max picked that up.

Okay, here we go. In three, two...

Hey, everybody. This is Danny Tanner with Wake Up USA on Facebook Live.

You know, I've seen 42 Fourth of Julys come and go, and they can be a fun holiday for humans, but a potential hell-iday for pets.

And that's why I'm here to talk pet safety with two veterinarians, Dr. D.J. Fuller and Dr. Matt Harmon.

Thank you, Danny. When it comes to a barbecue...

There are a number of dangers for our furry friends, like food, for example.

Yeah, we're walking.

And we're walking.

Some of the dangerous foods, well, they include chocolate.

And onions.

Oh, avocado. Yeah.

You know, even my very own dog swallowed a corn cob and needed emergency surgery.

Isn't that right, Cosmo?

You said it, boy.

So it's best to keep all of your human foods out of reach of our four-legged pals.

Well, except for bacon, ‘cause we all love bacon. Mmm.

Oh, yes.

Indeed, we do.

Well, that's our segment.

I'd like to thank my guest, Dr. D.J. Fuller and...

Wasn't there some other guy here?

Well, this has been Danny Tanner, here on this Earth since 1975.

And I'm Dr. D.J. Fuller saying...

Wake up, USA! —Wake up, USA!

Go, Dolphins!

D.J., what just happened?

I know. I crushed it!

I was, like, in the zone.

It was such a rush. Did you feel that?

Not so much.

Yeah, I know. Your "Go, Dolphins” kinda just laid there.

I think it went really well.

I've got an idea.

Maybe on Labor Day, we show a dog in labor.

You get it? Labor Day. Dog in labor?

Oh, I get it.

It's more of a smile than a laugh, but at least this one made sense.

Don't you have a birthday coming up?

On second thought, good one, Gramps.

If I play along, it works out better financially.

Wow, Max. What's with all the soda?

You must be really thirsty.

Thirsty for thrills.

But safety first.

Now, for the magic ingredients.

"Mentos, the Freshmaker."” On the count of three, you drop these bad boys into our bottles.

Then step back and watch the fun begin.

One, two...

Look at me.

This is my most patriotic vest!

And it's ruined!

Please stop laughing.

You're being immature.

I'm not immature. I'm nine—and—a—half.

But you're acting like you're nine.

Hey, Stepho.

Hey, Stepho.

Oh, hey, Jimmy, can you hand me my phone?

Yeah— Ah...

That would be helping you, so, no.

You are right. Okay.

Coming.

Hello?

Oh. Hi. Yes. Yeah, you need my account number.

Okay, great. Oh, you know, hold on, it's in my purse.

Hey, Jimmy, can you hand me my purse?

I love you too much for that.

Hang on, just a second. Okay.

That. Here.

All right. Let's see.

Oh.

D.J., your pies are ready!

D.J.!

Uh... You know, sorry, just let me get these pies out.

Oh!

Can somebody help me?

Forty—seven people live in this freaking house and no one is in the kitchen?

All right.

Don't go away! I will be right back!

Pies. Getting pies. Gonna get pies. Yes.

Okay.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh... Good. Tommy. Okay.

Uh, pick up my phone.

Yeah, now hand it to me.

Hello. —Perfect.

Okay, now, can you hand me my phone, honey?

Great, good, yes. Now bring it to me.

No, no, no.

Tell them my account number is 74283.

Okay, I'd like to welcome you all to Danny Tanner's World's Cleanest Pie—Eating Contest.

Because shoving pie into your mouth as fast as you can does not have to be messy.

Hot dang! Ain't nothin' more American than pie!

Please stop that.

I happen to have here the clipboard of fun.

Yes, the very same one.

And we're gonna review the rules.

"Article One, Section One.

"Each two-person team feeds his or her partner simultaneously.

"First team to finish their pie with a clean smock wins."

Come on, Matt. You ready to win?

Ho-ho! Now you want me to talk?

Too bad I wasn't wearing this earlier when you ruined my vest.

"Section Three. Performance—enhancing substances

"such as Beano, Gas—X and/or Tums are not allowed."

So? You're gonna help me win?

Nah.

I'm gonna take pictures of every bite, so someday we can show our kids.

I can't breathe.

Well, here, take my air.

No, no, no. Okay. —"And finally, "the first team to finish their pie with a clean sheet

"takes home the Golden Napkin."

All right, are you ready?

In three, two... Stay clean!

Hey!

Did you people not listen to the rules?

I said them specifically. The goal is cleanliness.

What is happening?

What are you doing?

This is not what this is.

D.J., Stephanie, this is not how I raised you.

Hey!

Stop it!

Guys, stop it!

This is not what this is about.

It's supposed to be a clean contest.

This is a disgrace to clean pie—eating everywhere.

Stop, stop, stop!

You're all disqualified!

I don't know what's going on here, but this is not how we deal with problems in this family.

We talk it out, we work it out, and we hug it out.

Now, Matt, you seem to be upset with D.J.

Yeah, because earlier, during our big Facebook Live moment, she kept cutting me off— —I did not cut you off.

Oh, I just cut you off.

I'm sorry.

It's just when I get nervous, I start talking, and then maybe I forget to stop.

Will you forgive me?

Of course I will.

Are you done talking?

Yes.

See? I'm improving.

I love you. —I love you, too.

Aw.

Look at that.

Mr. Communication says we share because we care.

Okay, who's next?

Oh, me, me.

Fernando, let me say this as sweetly as possible.

I hate Frank Smith.

Are you frickin' kiddin' me?

Baby, there is nothing hotter than when you are being you.

I can be that Fernando dude.

But wait. I forgot how to do it.

Testing?

Kimberlina, mi amor.

Your suavecifo is back.

Thanks to me, another breakthrough.

Okay, who would like to be next to share with this group?

—I'll go. - Okay.

Jimmy, when I said earlier, "Please don't help me,” I didn't mean don't ever help me.

So when you said don't help you, you really mean, sometimes help you.

Exactly.

That makes perfect sense.

Man, I'm an idiot.

Now, that's so beautiful.

Okay. Hey, little people.

Give it a try.

Max, are you still mad at me for laughing at you?

Yes.

And now I'm giving you the silent treatment.

And now it's over.

You're my angel.

Wanna hold hands and skip around?

You read my mind.

You know, I think those crazy kids are gonna make it.

What about you two? —Oh, we're doing great.

Uh... Look, Jackson, we gotta talk.

Oh, my God. Don't tell me you're breaking up with me.

I can change. I can change everything about me.

You're the best thing in my entire life.

Why, Lola?

Why?

Called it.

I'll be right there, everybody. I just have to award the winner.

Okay, guys, we have a new pie—eating champion.

And the Golden Napkin goes to...

Cosmo.

Look at him.

Clean tin, clean sheet.

It's beautiful.

You know, your great—grandfather Comet won this back in '91.

I was only 16 back then.

Why am I lying to a dog?

Hey, buddy.

Go away.

What did he say?

I think he said, "nose spray.”

Why would he say "nose spray"?

I don't know. Maybe he's congested.

I said, "Go away."

We really need an elevator.

What did I miss?

Well, he's not congested.

Jackson, I promise, the pain will go away.

And before you know it, someone new will come along.

It's true.

Right after my boyfriend and I broke up, I met Jimmy.

Yeah, and after Steve and I broke up, I met your father.

And now that you and Lola broke up, she'll meet someone wonderful, too.

Oh. And so will you.

Uh, ladies...

I think Jackson needs a man's point of view.

That's a good idea.

I'll go get Fernando.

I'm talking about me.

I know. You're always talking about you.

Okay, Dad. Give it a sh*t.

Thanks.

Look, kiddo. I know you're hurting.

But sometimes, people just aren't meant to be together.

And from what I could see, Lola was taking you for granted.

Did she ever thank you for all the little things you did for her?

No. I worked on my Copacabana moves for three weeks, and she just cha-cha'd right on out of my life.

That's what I'm talking about.

And did she ever once thank you for dust-busting the vacuum cleaner?

Did she even notice?

Why would anyone dust-bust a vacuum?

And did she even appreciate when you replaced her toothbrush every four months as recommended by the American Dental Association?

Grandpa, are you okay?

I waxed my back for her.

You waxed your back for Lola?

For Lola? No, no.

No, for my ex-wife, Teri.

Wait a second. Did you just say "ex-wife"?

Grandpa, you got a divorce?

Yeah. Sorry. I got a little off-track.

It won't happen again.

The point is, you're gonna meet someone new that's gonna love your back the way it is.

Man, I can't let it go.

Look, do me a favor, by the way.

This stuff about Teri, can we just keep this between you and me?

Your secret is safe with me.

And those three ladies right over there.

Dad, why didn't you tell us that you and Teri split up?

Yeah. You always taught us to talk about our problems.

Yeah, but that's when they were your problems.

Truth is, I was embarrassed.

I've been living at the Ramada for six weeks.

But you guys seemed so happy, that one time she came up here.

I mean, when we got married, we didn't really even know each other.

And then we found out we just weren't compatible.

Grandpa, don't worry.

Someday, you'll find someone who loves you and your hairy back.

Thanks, kid. I think.

Dad.

We feel so bad.

Oh, thanks, Steph.

It's all right.

It feels good to finally get it out in the open.

Just so you know, we're on your side no matter what.

You can always come to us about anything.

Yeah, no matter how embarrassing or pathetic.

I know you're kinda messy, but I really need a hug.

Of course.

From my family. From my family, please.

Kimmy, get off of me. —No, you love it.

What are you still doing here?

I felt bad about the way we left things.

And I just wanna say, you're my best friend.

And you're like my brother.

I'm caught in the middle here.

You know, I don't wanna have to choose ‘cause that's way too much pressure.

So, whatever you guys do, just remember, the real victim here is me.

I really wanna be your friend.

Do you hate me? —No, no, no.

I don't hate you. You're my first girlfriend.

And my first kiss.

But I'm just gonna need some time to get over us.

Look, you're a great guy.

You're kind and sweet.

You just need to give a girl a little room to breathe.

So you're saying you wanna get back together?

No.

We're just friends.

Who occasionally make out? —No.

Dude took a sh*t.

Well, I guess this is it.

I guess it is.

Goodbye, Lola.

Bye, Jackson.

Wait. Where are you going?

Oh. Ramona invited me to stay for fireworks.

I'll see you out there.

I'll be right there.

Are you okay? —Yeah.

For my first breakup, I handled it pretty well.

Now I'm ready for my first rebound.

So, which one of your friends thinks I'm hot?

Casey? —No.

Carmen? —No.

Lisa? —Out of your league.

Piper?

Piper is Lisa's mom.

I know, but does she think I'm hot?

Ooh! They're starting!

Ooh...

Ah...

Ooh...