03x15 - Soul Sisters

[bunniefuu]

Kimmy, it's 8:00 a.m. in October.

Why are you basting a goose?

I'm making Fernando a Christmas dinner.

I'll take this one.

Why?

Because it's his favorite, and I want to put him in a good mood.

I'm about to tell him I'm gonna be your surrogate mom and carry your baby.

And he won't be thrilled.

Why? Is it the morning sickness?

The cravings? The mood swings?

Yeah. Fernando gets all those.

His sympathy pains are worse than my real pains.

He still has to lose the last five pounds of baby weight.

Do I smell a Christmas goose with all the trimmings?

Either I did something very good, or you did something very bad.

The reason you're getting a special Christmas breakfast is because I'm gonna have a baby.

I wanted us to have another baby. This is the happiest day.

Before you get too excited, you should probably know, the baby is not yours.

Tell me the name of this scoundrel.

The father is my brother, Jimmy.

Ew...

That is weird, even for the Gibbler family.

Jimmy and Stephanie are doing in vitro, and I'm gonna be their surrogate.

Oh, good.

I don't have to k*ll anybody.

I am so happy for you.

And I'm so proud of you.

And I'm suddenly so nauseous.

Kimmy, are you nauseous?

I'm not actually pregnant yet.

But just the thought of it has my ankles swelling.

Oh. And now, here come the cravings.

Where are the pickles?

Don't look at me, I'm hideous.

I'd say he took that pretty well.

Kimmy, this is such a huge thing that you're doing for me, I wish there was some way I could say thank you.

There is.

Why don't you and I spend the whole day together?

The whole day?

Yeah. I don't think we've ever done that before.

Yeah, there's probably a good reason for that.

Oh, I love the idea of my best friend and my sister really bonding.

It will be your Super Surrogate Soul Sister Saturday.

Wow, you really love to name things.

That's my gift.

Well, you two have fun.

I have been working overtime covering for Matt so he can decide if he's coming back to work.

I just need a day to do diddly.

I'm naming it, "D.J.'s Day of Doing Diddly."

I am so good at naming things.

It's just you and me, womb—mate.

Yep. Just me and you.

And nobody else.

Hey, check it out.

I'm bouncing a ball while eating a sandwich.

Wow.

You really are "special."

Will you both pipe down?

I'm taking pictures to send to my true love, Marius, in Japan.

But I can't decide on my best side.

They're both so good.

Oh, man.

I bounced my sandwich instead of the ball.

You dummy.

Now you're gonna get it.

How do you work this thing?

Oh, Max.

Look what you just did.

The ancient mariner has been in the family for generations.

I heard Grandpa Danny bought it in a garage sale in 1908.

You broke his hat.

And his nose.

And his ear.

Oh, why did I throw that ball?

I don't throw balls. I don't catch balls.

I don't like balls.

Max, don't freak out.

But I'm the good kid. I never get in trouble.

Nine years of perfect behavior, right down the drain.

Relax. We can glue him back together, and your mom will never know.

Really? You're the greatest person on the planet.

I haven't done anything yet.

Well, you put it out there, so you'd better deliver.

Isn't this great?

I wanted to start our special day with things I can't do once I'm pregnant.

Hot tubbin', wine drinkin', oyster sh**t'.

Where did you get a hot tub so fast?

Don't tell D.J., but I keep this up in my room for date night with Fernando.

It's usually filled with Jell-O, because, you know...

You know what? No, that's...

I'm just gonna stop you there.

Today is just the beginning.

After I'm knocked up with your kid, we'll have nine months of non-stop togetherness.

You know, there's no guarantee that you'll get pregnant.

I mean, the odds are less than 50% this'll work.

Oh, honey. We're getting pregnant.

My oven is preheated and easy—bake.

And I've got surprises galore in store today, so buckle up.

No really, buckle up.

I souped up this baby with super—turbo hydro jets.

Oh! Whoa!

See? It's like a massage.

And an enema.

Scram, Cosmo.

I said, scram. You're gonna get me busted.

Cosmo, squirrel.

It's always open.

Okay, gentlemen. Upstairs.

First bedroom on the right.

Uh... What's going on?

Well, I had a horrible craving for ice cream, and I was feeling very maternal, so I took Tommy out for a scoop.

Thank you.

And then I remembered you said Tommy was ready for his big boy bed, so I got him a big boy race car bed.

What do you say, Tommy?

Gracias. —Gracias.

That is so sweet.

But today's my day to relax, so do you mind putting it together?

Of course not. Let's go, Tommy.

Is it just me, or there is something different in here?

I have the same feeling.

Oh, well.

Let's go make your bed, and you can lie in it.

It's always open.

Hello, D.J.

Hello, Larry.

Do Max and Taylor have a play date today?

No, but we could have a play date.

These are for you.

Oh.

Chocolates from Walgreens.

Half off.

I saw on Facebook that you changed your status from "In a Relationship” to" It's Complicated.”

It is complicated.

If you were with me, your status could be, "It's magical.”

Well...

This is unexpected.

And uncomfortable.

Hi, Jackson's mom. —Oh!

Hi, Mankowski. Jackson's upstairs.

Forget Jackson. These are for you.

Just like my heart.

Thank you.

More half—off chocolates.

b*at it, kid. She's taken.

Guys, I'm flattered. And a little creeped out.

But I am very busy enjoying D.J.'s Day of Doing Diddly, so, if you could see yourselves out, I'd really appreciate it.

Do you need any help doing diddly?

Absolutely not.

Well, I'm not leaving.

Well, I'm not leaving either. —Well, I'm leaving.

How's it going? Did you fix him?

Max. What are you doing up here? You're on head duty.

I'm taking a break. I put Tommy on the job.

Looks like Tommy's taking a break too.

I quit.

The kid just quit. Did you fix the head or not?

Calm down.

I made an exact replica of his nose and ear out of Play-Doh.

And I made a really cool showman.

It's time to attach the body parts.

Ear.

Wipe.

Nose.

Not my nose, huh?

Sorry, Doc.

I'll just touch this up and then glue the hat back on, and the ancient mariner will be as good as new, Max.

Oh, I love you, Ramona.

Not to be critical, but the nose looks a little narrow.

I was modeling it after the nose that Alison Silverstein got for her sweet 16.

Oh! Now I see it. —Yeah.

How fun was that soul sister shopping spree?

Come on, get in here.

OMG. It's like looking in a mirror.

You know, not everyone can pull off a Kimmy Gibbler signature look.

I'd love to pull this off.

See? I'm really starting to get you.

Okay, now, behold.

The spiritual umbilical cord.

Oh. Of course.

Which we will tie around each other, to symbolize our deep physical connection for the next nine months.

I learned it at Burning Man.

You went to Burning Man? —Yeah.

I went to the very first one, back when he was just Burning Boy.

Sanctify.

Purify.

That better be water.

Of course it is.

You can't find wolf pee on such short notice.

I'm out of here. —Uh—-uh. Not so fast.

No. —Get me out of this thing.

I told you, this is a spiritual umbilical cord.

It cannot be cut until our relationship is born anew.

I'm just telling you what it said on the box.

Okay. Let's just get this over with.

First, we each select our spirit animal.

Close your eyes, and visualize.

For me, I see a magnificent peacock, strutting through a beautiful field of wildflowers.

Peacock.

Peacock.

Okay. Your turn.

Okay.

Uh...

I see a gazelle, leaping through the African savanna.

Gazelle.

Gazelle.

Now you're gettin' it.

Next...

Let's share our favorite memories of each other.

Mine is when you were little, and someone made you mad, and you'd say, "How crude.” I think it was, "How rude.” And what's your favorite memory of me?

Oh! When you went away to college.

How crude.

Now, let's share our deepest fears.

Okay. Well, my deepest fear is that we're gonna go through this whole in vitro process and it's not gonna work, and I'll never get to be a mom.

Whoa.

That's deep.

My greatest fear is turtles.

Turtles with hats.

Because how do they put them on?

What in Sam's Club are you two doing in here?

Hey, Deej. Why are you in a hot tub with two guys?

One seemingly very young.

I had nothing to do with this.

I put cucumbers on my eyes for one second, and there they were.

Please don't tell me this is the guy "It's Complicated" with?

Yeah, that's right.

We've been complicated for 25 years.

We dated in high school, broke up for no reason, got back together at prom, drifted apart, married other people, reconnected, then I dated Matt, then Steve got engaged to CJ, then we all broke up in Japan.

Wow. That is complicated.

But not for long.

Deej, these 12 roses are to remind you that we only have 12 more days to go until our big date.

Aww.

Steve, that is so sweet.

Boring.

Larry, it's never gonna happen between us, so, I'm sorry, but could you leave, please?

Can we still be friends on Facebook?

We're not Facebook friends.

Yes, we are. I'm actually Carla, your friend from summer camp.

Jackson's mom, I'll never quit you.

But I'd better get home.

My mom just sent out an AMBER Alert.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

I'm even sorrier that I had to see that.

But thank you for the roses.

Wow.

You guys didn't waste any time.

Oh!

No. This isn't what it looks like.

Oh. Well, it looks like chocolate, roses and a cheap, inflatable hot tub.

No, the 12 roses signify the 12 more days we're waiting to go on a date out of respect for you.

Yeah. And I was in the hot tub with Taylor's dad and Jackson's friend from school.

That doesn't sound right, either.

I came over to talk to D.J. about work, but Steve, since you're here... Matt.

I am so sorry about what happened in Japan.

I didn't mean to break you guys up.

I know, man.

And look, if D.J. would rather be with you than a six—foot-two, steel-ab'd slice of beefcake with 8% body fat, that's her choice.

Yeah, it is.

It is, right?

Come on, guys. Can't you work this out?

I really do miss our friendship, buddy.

I mean, is there any way you can forgive me?

Look, man, life is short.

I'm not gonna hold a grudge.

So, we're good.

Yes. Thanks, Matt.

Whoa, you really are lean.

It's like hugging that statue of David.

This is great.

You are friends again. And Matt, you're coming back to work, right?

Uh...

That's what I came to talk to you about.

D.J., I'm sorry, but I don't think that I can work with you.

Wait, so, does this mean that you and your abs are gonna move back to Florida?

Nope.

I'm opening up my own pet clinic, two blocks from D.J.'s.

I'm sorry, what?

Harmon Better Pet Care.

That sounds a lot like Harmon-Fuller Pet Care.

Except it's better.

Well, hey, if you need help moving, or hanging banners, sign—spinning, I'm your guy.

Thanks, Steve.

What? We're friends again.

Once I glue the head back on, it'll be like this never happened.

Then I'll still be the perfect child, and all will be right in the world once again.

Guys, where are you?

I'll just glue the head back on later.

Act nonchalant.

Okay.

What are you doing?

I don't know what nonchalant means.

So you did the robot?

I panicked.

Hey, guys. What's going on?

Just being all nonchalant.

Hold on.

Something's not right.

I've felt it all day.

No, it's not here.

It's there.

What happened to our beloved ancient mariner?

Yeah, what did happen?

Max, she's giving you the mom stare.

Look away.

I can't. She's got me locked in.

Stay strong.

It burns.

Okay. I did it.

I threw a ball in the house, and I knocked his head off.

No, Max. Don't take the blame for me.

I broke the ancient mariner. —No, Jackson.

Don't take the blame for Max. D.J. broke the ancient mariner.

Whoa, that does burn.

Okay, I broke it.

And I had nothing to do with it.

Okay, everybody relax.

The truth is, this thing is totally creepy.

The only reason it's here is because Grandpa Danny is a hoarder.

I'm still your favorite?

Max, you know that I don't have a favorite.

I know you have to say that.

But we both know it's not true.

Oh. Yeah, don't do that.

I've had enough boys winking at me today.

D.J., come see.

Tommy loves his new bed. He's jumping for joy.

It's adorable.

And now, young Tommy is ready for his first night in his big boy race car bed.

On your mark, get set...

Sleep.

Oh, you've got the touch.

If there's one thing I'm good at, it's putting people to sleep.

Now, you may remember this next one from the playground.

Put up your hands.

To strangle you?

To prove we can work as a team.

One, two, three.

Come on, Steph.

Kimmy, I gotta be honest with you.

I was this close to ditching you about 10 times today.

Why? Because I tied us together with a rope and kept you in my room for eight hours?

That was a factor.

I'm just so excited you wanted me to be your surrogate.

You still want me to be your surrogate, don't you?

Of course.

You're one in a million.

You're weird, and crazy and...

Go on.

And kind and thoughtful.

So full of love.

I'd be the luckiest mom in the world to have a kid with a little Kimmy Gibbler flavor.

Really?

Just a little.

Aww...

This is exactly what I was hoping would happen.

Come on, She-Wolves. A little triple Miss Susie.

Ooh!

One, two, three.