02x01 - Episode #2.1

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing? Hmm? Oh, just walking past.

Were you watching me sleep?

No, no, I... I was walking past and I saw your door was open.

You were! How long have you been standing there?

Like... a second. I was just...

I saw my friend sleeping, I thought, "It's good to be living together again."

I smiled. It was a nice moment.

So weird! I could have been naked!

Why would you be naked if your door's ajar?

You probably opened it. I didn't open it. I was walking past.

Do you walk standing still? No...

Forget it.

Can you put the kettle on, you filthy pervert?

Yes! He admits it!

♪ Yeah, we know

♪ Even if we had so far to go

♪ Even if the pace is slow

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again

♪ If we find

♪ Something to feel that we belong

♪ If we could right all the wrongs

♪ I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

What's this?

This is a great start to the day.

It's breakfast.

It's healthy and it saves on dishes.

It's just a thing we do now. Thanks, Barbara.

New suit, hmm? Oh, yeah.

Who d*ed? What?

Looks like you're going to a funeral.

No, it doesn't. Unless it's for the death of... looking bad.

I'll be in the car. Wh...?

Is it the tie? It's just a dark suit.

I want to look good for my first day back at work.

We've been working all weekend.

Yeah, but that was just moving boxes into the new office.

What are you doing?

Oh! Whoops! It spilled.

I hate banana so much.

It's the only reason I don't have kids.

Because they always have banana on them or near them.

Well, just tell Mum you don't like banana.

No. We're getting along and she does this nice thing for me every day.

It's a waste of food. Don't you dare tell her.

I'll k*ll you.

You won't have to get changed.

It's a work suit.

Ready? Yes, mmm.

You're doing well. (SHOP BELL CHIMES)

Morning. MRS MARSH: Morning, Emma.

Morning, Mrs Marsh. Hello.

Oh!

I'm... I'm sorry, Daniel. What for?

Oh! (SIGHS) It's a work suit.

Meeting at 9:00am.

Uh, great. Where?

There.

I thought we agreed that was my desk.

It is, except for when I need it for meetings.

OK, well, can we take turns whose desk we have meetings at?

No.

Well, can we at least refer to it as 'Daniel's desk'?

No.

(MOCKINGLY) "No!"

Done.

Meeting time!

Oh...

Sorry.

Thanks, everyone.

OK. Let's get started.

Emma. Follow-ups from last week, please.

Yes. I had an email waiting this morning from Ingrid.

Sent at 2:00am Sunday morning, by the way.

Oh, yes? Yeah.

She's decided that actually the deal is fine and 10% will be perfect.

Good.

Oh, and the flowerpots WERE in the basement.

(WOMEN LAUGH)

Classic Ingrid.

Also, I figured out the new system with calendars except, Mrs Marsh, I didn't know how to spell 'crochet', so I put "granny skills", brackets, "doilies".

Thanks, Emma. OK, let's talk priorities for this week.

I've got Houston Road, Franklin Street...

I think I'll take McCoy's place too.

Joan can be tricky to deal with.

Emma, you've got Heath Road, Gribbles, The Cove...

Yep, sure.

Daniel... Yes?

Customer satisfaction calls.

Uh, is that it? Can't I take the, uh... Tribbles or something?

Gribbles? No, for now... It's just that Em's got, uh...

More responsibilities than you? Well...

Yes?

I'm just saying, I've got more experience than her, and she's...

What?

Did you think you were going to come back in at the top of the pecking order?

Is this toxic? You took a month off.

Did you think you were going to be rewarded?

Well, it wasn't a month off. It was... personal development.

Well, while you've been developing, Emma's been working, finished her training, sold a house.

She's... Sorry?

A house, Daniel. There's pictures of them in the window.

She sold a house? Yes.

Her? I have a name.

When? How?

It was just a small one. You would have told me.

Thing is, I was pretty sure you'd react like this.

Well...

Look, if you've finished being surprised that a real estate agent sold a house, I'd like to get back to it.

Mrs Marsh, how are we off for supplies?

We need more hot chocolate.

You and Mum seem to be getting along well, which is cool.

Yeah, it's great.

So, this house you sold... I finished your calendar.

Yes, um... See?

OK...

It's all organised, and it'll get synced to your phone too.

Oh, uh, thank you.

So, tomorrow, you've got a hot dog eating competition...

OK.

..followed by your Personal Hygiene for Total Beginners class.

Right.

And then you've got a meeting with IT, because you finished all the p*rn on the internet.

Won't that clash with Thinking About How My Head Looks Like a Butt?

Oh, you're right. I can move that to the following week.

But that's not great for you, because you've got your period.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Oh, I booked you in for a waxing. It's for all over.

Brace yourself for when they touch that bit between your bum and your front stuff, let me tell you.

You sold a house?

Reckland Street.

Our tenant has an issue with his neighbour.

Oh, great. I can take the lead on that.

I'm sending Emma. So you can learn from her.

Mum, I can handle it. She's the senior staff member.

Yeah, but... You can take my car.

What?

I've never driven this car.

It's not a big deal. It's only when I want to go somewhere.

(PHONE CHIMES)

Calendar alert?

Is it "stand in a bin for five minutes"? I can pull over.

No, it's a real one. It's a reminder to call Grace.

How's long-distance going?

Yeah, pretty good.

We've got a schedule and we're sticking to it.

But... I miss her.

Being in the same room sometimes was one of my favourite things about our relationship.

Hey, how often are you supposed to say, "I love you"?

I don't know. You have said it, right?

Yeah, and it seemed like a big deal the first time, but how often are you supposed to say it after that?

Like, every time you see each other?

Or just weekends, birthdays? Definitely weekends.

Have you said it to Damien? No.

You don't love him? Who knows?

I feel like once you've said, "I love you," it lasts until you say, "I don't love you."

Really? You don't have to keep topping up?

Maybe it's like oil in your car.

You know, it lasts for ages, but it's good to top it up every now and then when you're putting something in the boot.

You've never checked oil before, have you?

I have not.

Oh. Hello. Are you Emma?

Tom? Yes, I am Emma. And this is Daniel.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry for your loss.

What seems to be the problem?

Oh, it's Gail. She keeps messing with me yard.

Did she put the rubbish here?

No, she keeps cleaning it up. Sorry?

Yeah, mowing, trimming.

I even caught her planting some flowers.

Really nice ones, too. Arsehole!

Oh, great. Here she comes!

Hello. Hi.

Hi. Gail, have you been cleaning his yard?

Yes. I don't want to live next door to a tip.

If anything, he should be thanking me, because I'm doing this all for free.

She's kind of got a point. I don't want it to look good.

If the outside looks sh*t, then robbers are less likely to break in.

He's kind of got a point. That's pretty smart, actually.

Well, agreeing with both sides of a disagreement...

Thank you, Daniel. I'm handling this.

OK. He's new.

I keep telling him. Just buy a security system!

Oh! Well, I'd love one, but they're too expensive.

This is just as good. You want to talk about expense?

Ask why he hasn't paid for the damages that he did to my car.

I didn't do anything to her car...

He hit my car with his car.

There's a dirty big white scrape up the side!

I told you, it wasn't me...

He's the only one with a white car in the neighbourhood!

She can't just stuff around with my place without my permission, right?

I think... Tell Tom that he's a bit of a baby.

What? Big fringe happening there.

And he's a liar and he's ruining an otherwise lovely neighbourhood.

Tell Gail this is my place, my rules.

It's vandalism, Gail! Ohh!

Tell Tom that I'm just cleaning stuff up, so if anything, I'm anti-vandal!

Firstly - don't get me wrong - so impressed with your commitment to the whole 'tell them to tell' thing, but...

I called the landlord.

You did what? I called the landlord.

He said he doesn't mind what state your yard is in, Tom, as long as it's nice when you move out.

Yes! What about the hedge?

It's hanging over my fence!

Yeah. That's actually very straightforward.

I'll just wait in the car, then, shall I?

Gail, if you have overhanging vegetation on your property, you're allowed to trim along the fence line.

Ha-ha! Thank you! No, it's my hedge. Don't...

(LAUGHS) Whoo-hoo!

Tom... if this arrangement is not to your liking, you... you could look at buying.

What?

Uh, my... my card.

Daniel McCallum.

OK.

Just something to think about.

I thought you needed my help. Really?

Did I say, "Daniel, I can't handle this situation.

"Can you please talk over me like a massive jerk?"

That was the vibe I got.

What's this vibe?

Annoyed but understanding?

(SHOP BELL CHIMES)

What happened? I just got a call from Tom. He's furious.

He said Gail just wrecked his hedge.

Oh, I told her she could trim along the fence line.

Oh, really? Did you tell her she could do this?

She cut the top off.

Yeah, maybe I needed to be clearer.

I thought I put Emma in charge. It was a very simple instruction.

Mum, here's what happened... Daniel, you don't have to.

Because I'm gonna tell on you.

Daniel called the landlord without asking me!

Did you? I was following procedure.

Not my procedure! Do I need to step in here?

No. I'm handling this.

(SIGHS)

I'm sure it'll feel normal again soon. You only just got back.

Yeah, I hope so.

(SIGHS) Em sold a house.

She did? That's incredible!

Yeah, well, beginner's luck, I suppose.

Oh, good for her! You've been wanting to do that for ages.

Yeah. Yeah, I have.

Oh, no. I'm sorry. No, I didn't mean it like that.

No, no, it's fine, Grace. It's, um...

I'm happy for her. She's...

..doing well.

Oh, I meant to tell you - I ran a pen out of ink today.

Yeah? Yeah. Number three on the list.

"Try to update your partner on your life, "however mundane some of the things may seem."

When it happened, I thought it would be a good one, but I tried to write it down, but my pen was out of ink, which is why I didn't... tell you sooner.

Oh, and we should talk about our emotions.

Oh, yep.

How are your emotions?

Uh, yeah, still there.

I love you.

I l... EMMA: Everyone decent?

Yes. Hi, Emma!

Hi, Grace! I'm glad you're here.

Can you tell Daniel I'm going out and I'm still mad?

Uh, Daniel, Emma says... Grace, thank you. The pub?

Yes, the pub. But not for drinking.

Not just for drinking. I'm going to fix your mistake.

What mistake?

I'm meeting Tom and Gail there. Goodbye.

Well, what are you gonna do? See you.

Hang on. Em, wait a second. What? You're busy anyway.

You should go. No, no. Grace, Em can wait.

We've got a schedule to keep. Also, I love you...

I'm going! Hang on.

Daniel, it's really fine.

I don't want you to miss out on anything because of our chats.

They shouldn't feel like a burden.

MAN: (OVER P.A.) Testing one, two.

Testing one, two.

This is nice. Unique New York.

She sells sea shells by the sea.

Red l... Red leather, yellow leather.

Can I hear the plan, please? It depends.

Are you going to support me like a best friend or are you gonna try and mutiny me again?

I'm sorry I went over your head.

I promise not to mutiny.

Em, I know you want to tell me your plan.

OK, here's my plan. It's very complicated and I'm a genius.

I got an alarm system from Damien today.

Oh, of course!

So we'll just give that to Tom and he'll stop messing up his yard.

That's great. No.

I've donated it as a prize for the pub quiz tonight.

You what?

I told Tom and Gail to meet me here. I'm gonna put them on the same team.

And then, through teamwork, a friendship will be formed.

Yeah, but why didn't you just give the alarm system to Tom?

That would solve this issue... Which is what we want.

..but they won't be friends.

They'll probably find something else to fight about next week.

Oh, Em, that's...

Righto. Team name?

The Rosehaven Pub Quiz Team.

That's worse than 'the Brain Maniacs'.

You mean the Brainiacs? That's what I said to them.

Hey, Grace. Hi, Maddrick.

It's teams of five, guys.

We've got two more coming. And Grace is five.

Yeah, I can't really count Grace.

Very easy to cheat if she's on a laptop.

Computers are where answers live.

Phil! Oh...

What are you doing? Nothing.

You're up. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Don't mind if I do.

Can we please just have Grace? What if she puts her hands up?

OK, fine. The doctor's in.

But your other teammates need to show up before it starts.

They will. Phil?

Yeah? You're out.

Righto.

Phil? Phil?

That is... that is our jug.

Em, it's about to start.

There he is. Tom!

Over here.

Um... it's a... pub quiz.

Correct! Great start. Take a seat.

What's going on? Gail. Pub quiz. Sit down.

You said this was gonna be a mediation session.

Oh, it is.

This is an experimental mediation, um...

..that Daniel has used on the mainland several times with great success.

Right, Daniel? Yes. Uh... yes, yes, I have.

Doesn't work standing up, though.

This is very simple. I'm in the right, she's in the wrong.

And I'm leaving.

Gonna go burn a tyre on MY front lawn.

Don't you dare!

Tom, just wait. Listen to the prizes.

Tonight we're playing for a beautiful meat tray donated by Cathy, which is in the fridge this time after last week's 'issue'.

Not that one.

And we have a bonus prize - one home alarm system generously donated by McCallum Real Estate.

(APPLAUSE)

We have four teams tonight, including reigning champions Quiz Vegas.

(ALL CHEER)

So we can be pretty confident there's gonna be a barbecue round at Daryl's place tomorrow.

Which, if it does happen, we'd like to be invited to this time.

I am serious, though, Daryl.

Just 'cause you don't have Facebook, mate. You could have texted.

And as always, cheaters will be thrown in the lake.

DANIEL: What? Question one.

Next question. What musical does the song Luck Be A Lady appear in?

Only musical I've ever seen is The Lion King.

What? There's no people, let alone ladies, in The Lion King!

Oh, OK! Calm down! It's not the answer!

It is a good guess, though. And a good movie.

Do you remember when Scar betrayed Mufasa?

What a waste.

Don't you think it's better when people get along?

I think it's Guys And Dolls.

Next question - which part of a tree can be used to make cork?

Tom?

I mean, it's got to be the trunk, right?

What other part is there? Trunk.

Or leaves?

Is there, like, a cork tree?

Like, just specifically a cork tree?

Like, you go into a nursery... How about a hedge?

I know where you can get one of those that's just been cut down for no reason.

It's not no reason.

He said I could do it. Thanks, mate!

You were there. You wrecked my yard!

Whatever! What do you mean, whatever?

You keep coming over there and messing everything up!

Just stop touching my yard. I'm just cleaning stuff up.

I don't want you to touch it. It's my yard.

Like, if you look at it properly, like, what angle are you looking at it when you look at that hedge?

That's why I cut it in the first place.

The hedge was nowhere near...

This is ridiculous! Give me a H!

Give me an E! See what I have to put up with?

Give me a D! You guys see this, right?

G! E! What does it spell?

(DRUMS ON TABLE)

Hedge.

It's bark.

MADDRICK: Next question...

MADDRICK: Looking good, Bruce.

Alright, so, after that round, we've got the Brain Maniacs not far behind in third.

(APPLAUSE)

The Rosehaven Pub Quiz Team in second.

And in front, as usual, Quiz Vegas.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Alright, guys, quick toilet break in case you need to do a number one... or two.

We'll be back in 10.

I do actually need to go to the toilet.

Wow. We're doing really well! Second place!

Go, team! Right?

Daniel, will you help me at the bar, please?

Yeah, yeah.

Em, I know you don't want to hear this, but this plan is terrible.

That sounds like you're doubting me.

But I am willing to admit that they are not getting along as well as I had hoped.

They're not getting along at all.

It's fine. We just have to win the quiz.

We're gonna win! Grace is k*lling it!

I can't believe you didn't bring the charger!

That is not where this plan fell down.

Come on, guys. We know this. I know it was you, Tom.

(GROANS) I'm gonna put Geneva.

Prove it, Gail. Prove it. You should just admit it.

BRUCE: Next question!

Who is the oldest member of the Spice Girls?

A scrape on a car doesn't matter. Let's focus on the quiz.

Why wouldn't you let me look at it?

I told you! It was in the shop! Getting the evidence removed.

Checking the brake fluid! Who is the oldest Spice Girl?!

I dunno! Baby?! It's obviously not Baby!

Just put Old Spice!

MADDRICK: Alright, that's it, everyone.

Time to swap sheets with a different team and mark the final round.

At last count, the scores were pretty close between The Rosehaven Pub Quiz Team and Quiz Vegas.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hey. We're marking their sheet.

So...?

So, if Quiz Vegas had a bad round, we'd win.

Yes, but I think that's a very bad...

Can you just trust me? I think this might still work.

OK. OK.

Guys? What?

We have to cheat.

You guys still hate each other, and that's fine.

I don't like you very much either right now.

But if we win, Tom, you get the home security system so your house won't get robbed.

Gail, if his house won't get robbed, he won't need a messy lawn.

I'll donate the meat tray to Quiz Vegas straight after.

I'll tell them I'm vegetarian.

What about my hedge?

You can chop down one of Gail's trees.

Hey!

(SIGHS) I get to choose which one.

We should have brought the charger.

Thanks for a great night of trivia, everyone.

Bruce?

It was close...

..but the winning team by one point in a stunning come-from-behind victory is...

..the Brain Maniacs!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) No!

Taking home the meat tray and the alarm system. Congratulations!

Just a quick reminder - we still want to come to any barbecue that might be happening, so...

And after a terrible final round by both the leading teams, the Rosehaven Pub Quiz Team finishes second, taking home a bottle of wine and some choccies, and Quiz Vegas finished third, taking home one $20 meal voucher, valid Tuesdays 10:00am till 12:00.

I don't believe this.

Well, thanks for coming, everyone, and we will see you all...

Excuse me? Yes?

We cheated. Shut up!

(BOOING) No...

Emma said we should mark Quiz Vegas wrong.

They got everything in that last round correct.

Yeah, but... what IS correct, really?

That's disqualification.

Uh...

Alright, that...

Well, that would put them over the Brain Maniacs, so... Quiz Vegas are the winners!

(ALL CHEER)

I'm sorry. It just didn't feel right.

You know, Tom...

..maybe... it wasn't you that hit my car.

And I'm sorry for the hedge. Oh, no, it was me.

Yeah, I hit it reversing out the drive.

I panicked and lied. I'll pay you back.

It's already fixed.

So use that money and get yourself a new security system, OK?

We'll call it even. Yeah. Alright.

Hey, did you want to get away from these two and grab a beer?

Yes. Yep.

That's it for tonight's pub quiz.

Thanks for coming, everyone.

But there's one last matter we need to deal with. Emma!

Cheating. You know the rules.

(PHONE CHIMES)

And Danny too. He's left his phone on.

No, no, no, no, it's just a reminder, um... to...

..practise for the Dumbest Butthead Competition.

I'm sorry about your phone.

It's OK. Worth it, though. I did it!

No, Gail and Tom became friends on their own.

Because of me and my plan. I finished the sentence for you.

Oh, your plan was to get caught cheating and be thrown in the lake?

I said it was complicated.

If either of you give me a cold, I'm docking your pay.

Proud of me, Barbara? And my assistant?

I'd prefer it if you did business without being thrown in a lake.

That's a yes!

I'm sorry I doubted you.

I'm gonna tell him now.

I didn't sell a house.

Really? No. I don't even know how.

Can they pay cash? I dunno.

Mum, were you in on this? I was.

Surprise!

OK. I get it.

You were teaching me a lesson.

I've got to earn my place, and I shouldn't step on others trying to earn theirs too.

Nah. I thought it was funny.

You should have seen your face!

"Oh, no! Emma's better at real estate than me!

"Maybe they don't need me anymore!" (WHINES)

Emma tips your smoothies down the sink.

Oh, sh*t.

What is it?

Primary school - they want me to give a speech at assembly.

It's a pain in the arse. Daniel can do it.

Might be a good way to raise your profile within the community.

You want to sell a house?

Who wants to inspire some kids today?!

What if they heckle?

They won't heckle with all the teachers around.

Where do babies come from?!

They're won't ask, "Where do babies come from?"

He doesn't know! Everyone, he doesn't know!

(PHONE CHIMES)

I'm in the Dildolympics tomorrow.

Congratulations, you qualified.

What am I competing in?

The 100-metre dildo dash.

So you run a 100 metres with a dildo?

You run 100 metres while people throw dildos at you.

Well, I'm pulling out. That's a different event.

OK. Whoo!