02x06 - Episode #2.6

[bunniefuu]

EMMA: Good morning. Morning.

What are you making? Toasted cheese.

Yum.

Sleep OK? Uh, yeah, pretty good.

Good, good.

Did you sleep OK?

Me? Oh, not really.

Um, it might have been because... Just say it.

Because I heard you having sex last night!

Sorry. This is unacceptable.

And it went for ages.

Put your hand down. OK. Hey.

Hey. Sorry to interrupt.

Hey. Morning, Emma.

I'm just going to the shop to grab stuff for dinner.

Can I get either of you anything? Uh, no. All good.

Fine.

OK. I'll see you later. See you later.

You can't tell her I heard. She'd be mortified.

Maybe not. Not everyone is embarrassed about sex as you are.

I'm fine, I just don't need your dumb sex rubbed in my face, or ears.

Recently single, remember? Yeah. I'm sorry.

How about this? Only have sex in the garage.

What? Compromise.

That's not a compromise. Just pretend we're exercising.

(GROANS) Worse. Hi, Mum. You're ready early.

I got a body corporate meeting until 11.

I need one of you to inspect 14 Tilson Drive.

The lease is due next week. Yes, can do.

When you're having sex, do you ever accidentally picture your mum?

You're not ruining sex for me.

Fine. Are you done with the grill? I want to make one, too.

No, I'm not, actually.

You can have this one if you like.

SONG: ♪ Yeah, we know

♪ Even if we had so far to go

♪ Even if the pace is slow

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again

♪ If we find

♪ Something to feel that we belong

♪ If we could right all the wrongs

♪ I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Someone's tagged us. Tagged?

Should we bounce?

What's SD? Dunno.

They've done the whole street, though.

What?

Maybe it's Banksy. Good morning, Mrs Marsh.

Morning. Did you see the graffiti?

No. Someone spray-painted the window.

Oh.

Any idea who SD could be?

No. Slim Dusty d*ed.

Snoop Dogg. Yeah, it's Snoop Dogg.

Scooby-Doo. Scooby-Doo solves crimes.

You're right, it's not his MO.

Oh, Daniel...

..Darryl Peters called.

He said he wants to move back in.

Yes! (GRUNTS)

What?!

Darryl is Bruce's landlord.

If he wants to move back in, Bruce will have to find a new place.

And guess who he's going to come to.

Is it you? Yes, it is!

I could kiss Darryl!

Everything Bruce did to me at school was worth it because of this moment.

Yeah. OK, OK.

I'm gonna call Bruce. What do you think I should do when he comes in?

I can open up the rental binder, then when he looks at it, slam it shut.

Or make him fill out an application form, then tear it up and say, "Application denied."

How about the one where you hug and forgive each other because you're just two people trying to get by in this crazy world?

Binder slam.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(COFFEE SLOSHES) Oh, sh*t.

Mrs Marsh?

Hello. EMMA: Hey, Bruce.

Hi, Bruce. Thanks for coming in.

Danny. It's Daniel, actually.

What happened to your shirt? It doesn't matter.

Are you ready to look at some possible rentals?

Uh, yep. Good, good.

Because I've actually got quite a few to choose from at the moment.

If you'd just look closely at this binder...

Actually, Bruce, we're just about to update these.

Why don't you have a look on our website and let us know when you've found one you like?

OK.

Uh, yeah, you can use my computer, and then when you find one you like, fill out an application form.

Nah, it's easier online.

Just do it in your own time and get back to us.

OK. Talk soon. See ya.

Wait. Bruce... What?

You don't own any cans of yellow spray-paint, do you?

No.

Can I see your fingernails? Why?

Why not? He's joking. Bye!

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Are you still mad? Yes.

You saw me practising the binder slam. Why'd you stop me?

Hear me out.

I think you should forgive him. Oh.

Damian is the first ex I've stayed friends with, and it's the best.

I don't have to worry about bumping into him, I don't have to key his car.

What?

I'm just saying, Bruce lives here, you live here, and whenever you see him, you feel bad.

I think it's time you guys made up.

First of all, no. Second, Bruce is a terrible tenant.

Even if he and I were best friends I still wouldn't let him rent through us again.

His house is a bombsite.

Until his dog moved in with us. His last inspection was pretty good.

What if Bruce is the one who tagged our office?

Then I'll hand in my badge. Your name tag?

Bruce would have just targeted us.

Whoever did it did the whole street and they wrote SD.

And if it was Bruce, why would he come in straight after?

I guess.

Don't worry, we're gonna solve this case.

Case? Yeah.

Now, the way I see it, our perp... Perp.

This is gonna take a lot longer if you keep doing that.

Sorry.

Can we please just focus on the inspection?

But there's a criminal out there. I just need a few supplies.

Why not?

Because I don't know where we'd get a black light from and I don't see how looking for semen will help catch a graffiti artist.

You're right. Could be a woman.

This is different.

That wasn't here before.

Check this out!

They've carpeted around the toilet. Gross.

The shower taps are skulls.

It's like a mini golf course exploded in here.

None of this is in the condition report.

Oh! What?

The doorhandle.

Oh. It's OK, if it's real, it's dead!

Don't care! Don't care.

Nice hole.

Maybe the landlord approved the changes?

The shed's an acquired taste.

Oh, God. Hey.

Are you Adam?

Yeah, that's me. I just forgot my shovel.

Just came to grab it. Did you do all this?

I did.

Well, did you consult the landlord?

No, I wanted it to be a surprise.

You know, my gift to them for letting me stay here.

Well, who's gonna pay for it all? Oh, I don't want any money.

No, to change it all back!

You can't make alterations to a rental property without the landlord's permission.

They're installations.

You can't put a price on artistic value.

The carpet in the bathroom?

Warm toes after a shower?

I call that one Unexpected Sensations.

The spider doorhandles? What A Journey.

You get a pump of adrenaline from seeing a giant spider and then the relief that it's not real.

Really proud of that piece.

What about the hole? Yeah, pretty cool, isn't it?

Like looking into the earth itself.

There's no way you're getting your bond back.

That's fine. Money only has value if you think of yourself as worthless.

I save just enough to keep the van running, the rest goes straight into my art.

Adam, this isn't art, these are damages to the property.

Nah.

You stabbed his shed. The landlord's gonna be furious.

Gratitude takes all forms.

Go with love, guys.

What?!

So, he just gets away with it?

All we can do is blacklist him and get another tenant in there.

No-one's gonna wanna rent it as is. Maybe Beetlejuice.

We might know someone who needs a rental.

Hello, all. Hey, Greg.

Hi.

Barbara. Hello, Greg.

You look well today. Thanks.

Was there anything else?

Oh, yes, just checking in about this graffiti business.

I see you've been hit too.

Yeah, what's going on? I've never seen graffiti around here before.

I'm not sure. There's been a bit of a crime spree of late.

There's graffiti, bins being knocked over.

Bins? The plot thickens.

Well, one bin at the moment, but there could be others out there we don't know about.

I don't know what's gotten into people.

So, Greg, got any leads?

Don't put your foot on the customer chairs.

No, not at the moment. Do you need a deputy?

No. No, no. Enough work for one. Heaps.

But nothing I can't handle by myself.

Alright.

But I'm right here if you need someone to knock on a few doors, ruffle a few feathers.

Do you have a lab?

Oh, there's no budget for a police dog.

No, I mean...

We'll let you know if we see anything, Greg.

Thanks, Barbara. Much appreciated.

(DOORBELL CHIMES, DOOR CLOSES)

Oh, Adam! Maybe it's him.

Adam? Yeah.

Spider doors - SD. We should tell Greg.

Worth letting him know, I guess. We'll go to the police station.

He's just there. He's not even in his car yet.

I'm not ready. I have to put together a case file.

Case file? Put a pot of coffee on.

Thanks, doll.

If we were partners on the force would you save my life?

Yeah, of course.

But we're best friends, so I'd like to think we'd save each other's lives anyway.

So, you'd take a b*llet for me?

Well, that's different. That's sacrificing my life to save yours.

Hence saving my life. What did you think I meant?

Well, if you were hanging off the edge of a cliff I'd give you a hand back up.

That's not saving my life, that's common courtesy.

It is, because you would have fallen to your death otherwise.

That doesn't count. You'd help a stranger dangling off a cliff.

I'm talking about jumping in front of me in a sh**t-out.

Well, where's the b*llet going to hit you?

What?

If the b*llet's gonna hit you in the shin, and in order to dive in front of it I get hit in the head, I'm letting your shin get sh*t.

How do you know it's gonna hit my shin?

Well, if I'm going to dive in front of you I must have a pretty good idea where it's headed.

b*ll*ts are pretty fast, you know? OK, new scenario.

You're gonna get sh*t in the head, and in order to save you I have to dive to push you out of the way.

But then I land in a meat grinder, I think it's only fair that you get sh*t in the head.

Why is that fair?

Well, because it's a quick death. I'm landing in a meat grinder.

What if I land feet first?

OK, you or me going in a meat grinder, choose?

Well? (HONKS HORN)

Saved by the bell. No, you just beeped the horn.

(HONKS HORN) Stop doing that.

Not until we arrive. (HONKS HORN) Answer the question!

No. (HONKS HORN)

I don't see what the big deal is. We've been here before.

Yeah, but we were behind bars. This time we're crime fighters.

Emma, Daniel. Hey, Greg.

We may have a lead. For what?

The graffiti. Oh, great.

His name's Adam. Male, white, Caucasian.

That means the same thing. Approximately 5'10".

Self-proclaimed artist, and he's already trashed one house.

Can we look him up on the police database?

And can I please do it? Um...

Thank you.

The place doesn't normally look like this.

Oh, it's fine.

What's the password?

Also, I'll need access to all of Rosehaven's street cameras.

Oh, we don't have any. Actually, you should do it.

That way I can lean over your shoulder and say stuff like, "Stop.

"Rewind that. Enhance."

Look, I really appreciate your help, but I gave Adam a ticket yesterday for a broken tail-light.

I looked him up, he doesn't have a record for any of this sort of thing.

Dammit.

Greg, what's with all the boxes? Are you moving?

No. Uh, tidying.

OK. Hey!

He's still out there. What's next, Greg?

Do you want me to wear a wire? We'll leave you to it.

I probably should wear a wire.

GRACE: I know you don't want to hear this, but I think Em's right.

This could be the perfect opportunity to build a bridge between you and Bruce.

Grace, remember at school, whenever we'd sit down for reading period, Bruce would always yell out, "Daniel's rubbing his bum on the carpet!

"Miss, he's rubbing his bum on the carpet!"

Yes. He did it every time.

All I was doing was adjusting my position to be more comfortable.

How else am I supposed to do it? Stand up every time?

I know how much this stuff still hurts, but I feel like the only way for you to move forward is if you and Bruce make amends.

I'm happy to make amends after my revenge.

Or you could rent him the house.

If I give Bruce the place I'll have to deal with him all the time, but if he doesn't rent through us...

You'll still see him round town.

Yes, but I can run into shops or behind trees when that happens.

Dan...

Could we please talk about something else?

I think Barbara was angry having to wait for me in the shower today.

Are you sure she doesn't mind me being here?

No. You can't be worse than Em.

I don't find her singing that annoying, but the banter in between songs, that's just a waste of water.

Yeah, I guess.

We need a bigger bed. Yeah.

Or bunks. Not bunks.

OK.

(BED IN ANOTHER ROOM CREAKS RHYTHMICALLY)

You've gotta be kidding me.

Come on.

On a Tuesday? You animals.

Uck. (CREAKING CONTINUES)

(CREAKING CONTINUES)

How is it louder out here?

(TV PLAYS)

(INCREASES VOLUME)

BARBARA: Will you turn that TV down?!

(DECREASES VOLUME)

(CREAKING CONTINUES)

(TURNS OFF TV)

(SPRAY CAN HISSES)

OK, remember your training. You haven't had any training.

Please don't let me get stabbed.

Hey, I called the cops and they're on their way, so don't bother moving or checking I have a phone or anything!

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Bruce! Hey.

Hey? You're not even wearing a balaclava.

Do you know anything about doing crime?

I don't have one.

Daniel is gonna be so smug about this.

I don't have a choice, alright? Yes, you do.

You can paint on heaps of things that aren't someone else's shed.

They're gonna shut down Dad's station.

What?

They're shutting down one-man stations, so there's not enough stuff for Dad to do out here, so...

..I'm making crime for him to deal with.

What if you get caught? I won't. He goes to bed at 9pm.

Bruce, that's... that's really nice, but it's also wrong.

I just wanted an open-and-shut case.

Yeah, well, what else can I do? He'd never ask anyone for help.

You can't tell him.

There's gotta be something else we can do.

Maybe he'd like to retire.

No, he loves his job, he loves living here.

If he had to move stations, he would be devo.

And if I can't find a place to live I'm gonna have to leave with him.

You know, the pub just started asking if I want my usual.

I don't want to have to start from scratch.

I'm gonna find you a place. I just have to talk to Daniel.

Why did you have to pick on him so much at school?

I didn't pick on him.

I made jokes. I don't think Daniel saw it that way.

Yeah, well, I've got a more advanced sense of humour.

Right, well, just stop graffitiing, OK?

We'll find another way to help Greg. (SIGHS)

So, what does SD stand for?

Nothing. Nothing?

You'll think it's stupid. What? Just tell me.

Or I'll really call the cops, and they know where you live.

Save Dad.

Don't get paint on my pyjamas.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Hey. Someone had a nice sleep-in this morning.

I'm gonna do this with this hand, this with this hand.

While doing this, try and guess why I didn't get any sleep last night.

I'm sorry, we were trying to be quiet.

It doesn't matter.

I'm gonna tell you something and I need you to promise to, one, not freak out and, two, keep it a secret.

OK.

No, no, you have to swear to me - Emma, your best friend -

"I will not freak out

"and I will keep what Emma's about to tell me a secret."

I swear I will not freak out and I will keep what Emma is about to tell me a secret.

Bruce did the graffiti. Mm! I knew it.

Mm! Yes! You said you wouldn't freak out.

I'm not freaking out, I'm celebrating.

Other than Grace coming back and my mole scan results, this is the best news I've had all year.

You can't tell anyone. Emma, he committed a crime.

He's a criminal. And his own dad is gonna have to arrest him.

Oh, this is so good. You swore.

I also swore to uphold the law. No, you didn't.

What proof do you have? I saw him last night.

Perfect. Did you film it? No.

Listen, he was only doing it to help his dad.

What?

Greg's station might get shut down because there's not enough to do.

Bruce was hoping that by spray-painting a few places...

And kicking over a few bins.

That was once. He said he was startled by a possum.

Oh.

Bruce is trying to stop his dad having to leave.

Well, he still committed a crime.

OK, what would you do if you knew Barbara was gonna be sent away

'cause she couldn't sell enough houses?

That would never happen. Yeah, but what if?

I'd do whatever I can to help. Exactly.

You don't have to give Bruce a rental, but at least don't let his dad lose his job over this.

If anyone finds out that Greg's son did it, there's no way his station will get renewed.

What does SD mean?

Save Dad.

That's corny. It's so lame.

Are you OK?

Yep.

Barbara, help. Greg's station is in danger of getting shut down.

I know. What?!

Well, Greg wasn't the only one in the f*ring line.

They're closing several of the rural stations.

Don't you read The Rosehaven Trumpet?

(SNIGGERS) I have not read that, no.

What can we do? Let's do a petition.

I've had a chat with a friend at the council.

They've already started the process.

There's just not enough funding to keep everything open.

I'm not letting my partner lose his job one day before retirement.

It's worth a sh*t. Em, there's nothing we can do.

You have the right to remain shut up.

(DOOR OPENS) (COUGHS)

You thought you were alone, Greg. How about now?

Sorry, it doesn't seem like much.

Just Barbara emailed our mailing list and she wouldn't let me print out the replies of support, so that's just a signature from the bakery 'cause they don't have the internet.

Everyone's behind you though, Greg.

Oh, thanks for doing this. This is amazing.

The council rang me and told me how supportive everybody had been.

Don't you say another word about it.

You just get back out there and get on with protecting the city.

It's just they also said as much as they're impressed by the community reaction, it doesn't change.

What? One more station has to go.

And it looks like it's me.

I'm... I'm so sorry, Greg.

Nothing to fret over.

I think the news hit Bruce harder than it hit me.

(SIGHS)

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

Danny. Daniel.

Are you OK? Yeah, it's the doorbell.

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

Are you ready for a tour? Yeah.

You can't see it, but there's a washing machine behind the seaweed.

Right.

Bruce...

..we've been at each other for a long time now.

Yeah, I guess. You were a nightmare at school.

Oh, I was having fun, mate. Yeah, at my expense.

I've just got a more advanced sense of humour.

That's what you think? It was...

I know you're going through a rough time right now, and when Greg gets transferred you won't have a place to stay.

You... know about that.

Yeah.

I've held on to a lot of anger from when we were at school...

(PHONE BUZZES)

..and I don't want to hang on to it anymore.

Hey.

Really?

Sorry, could I call you back in a sec?

Cheers.

Sorry, you were saying?

I'm offering you this rental. I'm good, thanks.

What? I'll just live with Dad.

But... That was him then.

The cop in Park Springs is gonna retire, so Dad's staying on.

So, you don't want this place?

No. There's carpet in the toilet - it's gross.

You can rub your bum on it, though, Danny, so that's a plus.

(BLOODCURDLING SCREAM)

It's my first time in the Rosehaven Hops Festival costume competition.

And you get to meet my mum. Nice to meet you.

Are you nervous about her coming down?

Someone from the family had to visit eventually to check I'm not eating dr*gs or something.

What do you think? It doesn't even have a Brumby's.

I don't want you to waste your life down here.

Yeah, maybe it's time to go home.

Get my eyebrows tinted. What?

It's different. It's ours, so it's great.

Do you think Emma and Barbara will be OK?

Oh, yeah, they'll be fine.

(SHOWER RUNS) EMMA: ♪ And the road

♪ Had a stop sign. ♪ Thank you. It's a really great crowd tonight.

I wrote that last one when I was on tour with...

Will you hurry up?

I'd love to, but the crowd wants more!