02x10 - Steve

Episode transcripts for the TV show "High Maintenance". Aired: September 16, 2016 to present.
"High Maintenance" follows a nameless marijuana deliveryman called "The Guy" as he delivers his product to clients in New York City. Each episode focuses on a new set of characters as they all procure their cannabis from "The Guy".
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02x10 - Steve

Post by bunniefuu »

Excuse me, would you mind - taking a picture of us real quick?

- Sure.

- Let's sh**t this way.

- Great.

Yeah, cool.


Oh, let's make it the official divorce portrait.

- Exactly.

- Yeah.


Wow, okay.

Say "no contest." - No contest.

- No contest.

[camera clicks]

That's the one.

I can...

I can feel it.

- Thank you so much.

- Yeah, no problem.

- Have a good one.

- Cool.

Thanks, man.

- See ya.

- Have a good eclipse!

You too.

So that's it, huh?


I really enjoyed being married to you.

Yeah, I enjoyed being married to you too, buddy.


And your...

- great beard.

- Oh, thank you very much.

I love you.

I always will.

I love you, too.

♪ ♪ - Shit.

- ♪ I've got a new kind of lullaby ♪ ♪ The fiction takes a picture of what's on my mind ♪ [door closes]




- I was getting worried.

- Oh, sorry.

My God, the camera place was a nightmare.




Hey, how do I look?

- Hey, hey.

- Hmm?


Oh my God, you look so hot.

- Really?

Are you sure?

- Yeah.


I look like I sell VHS tapes in the back of my van.

No, I love it.


Oh my God.

- I taught you well.

- Mmhmm.

Okay, babe, we have to go.

We told your sister 12:45.

- Fine.

It's okay.

She can wait.

- We have to run.

So how much time do you need?

Twenty minutes?

I just need to f*ck with this lens.

I'm gonna grab us coffee.

I'll be right back.

Oh my God, you look so good.

I do?

- Whoa.

- That's really good.

♪ ♪ I can't believe somebody actually made this video.

This guy actually has really pretty hands.

You sure those are gonna protect our eyes?


Hey, if it doesn't work, I can just be your cool, blind boyfriend.

[imitates Al Pacino]





- Hooah, Charlie.

- [laughs]

Uh, okay, I would like to be out the door in 20 minutes.

[Phone chimes]

Can we make that happen?

g*dd*mn it.

- What?

- I mean, it's...

Sorry, not you.

It's my mom.


"Please tell me what little man..." "he represents.

- He is a f*cking billionaire." - No, come on!

Do not engage!

You know how this goes.

I'm sorry, but I have to.

Somebody has to call her out on this shit.

[typing resumes]

"If you think he has your interests in mind..." then you have another thing..." - Would you...


Let me I have...

- Hey.


You are not gonna change her mind today, or probably ever, and this is a special f*cking cosmic event that I really want to share with you because it only happens once a century, and I would really like it if we could leave in 20 minutes.

Would that be okay?

Please, please, please, please.


- Yeah!


- Okay.

Get dressed.

Wear something nice!

All right.

All right, sorry.

Well, you know, technically there is gonna be another eclipse in 2024, that you'll actually be able to see from New York, so...

We're gonna see it.

Get dressed.

♪ ♪ [laughter, indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪ ♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ ♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ You should dress like this all the time.

- Really?

- This is the most you I've ever seen you.

- I don't even know what that means.

- Oh my gosh.

Stand here.

Shut up, let me take a picture.

It's so hot.

Here, just part your mouth a little bit.

Yeah, yeah!

- Oh shit, come here.

- What?

- Oh my God.

Oh my God...

- Take this.

I can't believe this person raised me.

She knows how to push your buttons, and she's just gonna keep coming at you, - so just don't respond.

- "Just because you live around "a bunch of different races of people, - "doesn't make you diverse." - Can a single person be diverse?

[both laughing]

Holy shit.

- That was close.

- I told you this was good.

♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ ♪ Doo-dah ♪ ♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ - What did she say?

- "Black Lives Matter is a hate group." Same as the KKK.

All lives matter, yes, they do." ♪ Rent a bike in the morning ♪ [bike bell rings]

♪ What a way to spend the day ♪ ♪ In the evening when the sun go down ♪ ♪ There's always places to wine and dine ♪ Yeah.

♪ Diddlydum-dum-day ♪ ♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ ♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ ♪ Doo-dah ♪ ♪ Diddly-dum-dum-day ♪ [indistinct chatter]


[hip-hop music playing]


[indistinct chatter]




[indistinct chatter]

Got that on Snapchat.

"Black Lives Matter is a media hoax, "and if you can't see that, I feel sorry for you.

"It's the product of fake news, "and you and your smug liberal friends keep falling for it." And what did his mom say?

That was his mom.



All right, that makes more sense.


There we go.

This is the sh*t you wanted, if you could just pedal a little more to the right.

If you don't paddle too, we're just gonna keep going in circles.

Oh, babe, I'm working here.



Check this picture out, though.

He was getting his teeth whitened.

That's why his shirt is off.


You know what they say.

A "like" a day...

- is a bigger way.

- No.

[indistinct chatter]


Looks like the secret's out on the secret spot.

- Shit.

- Mmm, what about over there?

That's not so bad.

No, I-I don't...

I had a plan and I don't want to sit with those f*cking kids.

It's fine, there's room for everybody.

- Plenty of room.

It's gonna be great.

- Extremely crowded.

It's gonna be wonderful.

We're gonna make some new friends.

- Go ahead.

- Gonna be great.

It will be great.

How's it going?

What's up?

So, the dude is in high school!

[indistinct chatter]

Do you see them?

I don't see them.

Is that Zach in the glasses?

I don't know.

I don't know anymore.

Zach looks like every white guy.

Oh, wait, you know, I'll just text them.

Yeah, please do.

I'll just keep paddling.

- Please!

Thank you.

- Yep.

[phone chimes]

_ [indistinct chatter]


No, these are no good.

The rubber cement is...

- I can't see anything.

- Hey, yeah, dude.

You wanna try these?

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

There's like eight million of 'em.


These are so much better.

- I should've gotten these.

- You want a hit of this?

- What's that?

- Oh, f*ck.


Yeah, I do.

Why not?

[All cheer]

Special day, right?

Thank you so much.

Wow, wow.

Oh, it's Alina.

Look, look, straight ahead.

Straight ahead, she's coming.


Here she comes.


Here she comes.

Don't be nervous.

Okay, okay.

Come on, take a real hit.

- Zach?

- Yeah?

What are you doing?

Smokin' pot.

It's good.

No, you gotta do it again.

Take it to the chest.

Some of that sweet, sweet THC, you know what I'm saying?

[indistinct chatter]

[phone chimes]

_ [Zach groans]

[Jed laughs]

You guys want some buttermilk biscuits?

- Absolutely.

- Yes.




- What's going on?

- She just walked away.

What the f*ck?



Do you have other places that you'd rather be today?


This sucks, and I can't feel my ass.

Oh, I see.

Oh, Mr.


You have other places you'd rather be today, Mr.


Meetings to attend?

Deals to broker?


Davenport would never wear this outfit.

Oh, I think he would.

Dill, chives, rosemary.

Hell yeah!

It's like a salad.

Yeah, I guess.


I'm gonna see if this guy wants some.

- Buttermilk biscuit?


- Really?

- Yeah, thank you so much, man.

- Homemade.

There's probably a lot of butter.

Hey, can I actually get a hit off of that blunt?

[all agreeing]

Once you pop, you can't stop.


Can I call you Roger?

Or is that too casual?

Well, you are my chiropractor's step-daughter.

Hired solely out of nepotism, 'cause you know how hot I think nepotism is.

So hot.

I do have a meeting in Munich, but I can probably...

- Cancel that for me?

- Push that around.

You're so important.

"If the right are the n*zi, "then the left is the Red Army, who were worse.

Stop with the lies." - Wow.

- That makes no sense.

You should probably just stop responding to her, right?

No, no, no.

It's a f*cking obligation to educate our ignorant, r*cist relatives.


But maybe not on Facebook.

- I don't know, man.

- That's f*cked.

I'm sorry.

That's the end of this.

Is that the last joint that we had?

I think we're all out of wine, too.

You know, I can help on one of those fronts.



And we have some sparkling wine.


[police radio chattering]

Excuse me, sir.


- That's your hammock?

- Uh, yeah.

Is everything okay?

You can't hang a hammock in the middle of the park.

Oh, okay, I can take it down.

You want me to take it down?

No, you know what?


It's cool.


Hey, what are you doing?

Why do you keep coming over here?

You're being, like, um, so standoff-ish.

I just want to be with you.

Try something new.

Hang out with these...

- these peeps.

They're chill peeps.

- Let them be chill.

- I don't...

I'm not...

I just wanna...

- I want you to chill with us.

I don't want to, so have fun.

Now put your hand over my boob.

Oh, yeah, that's hot.

Mmm, no, let's keep this on, 'cause I don't know how to swim.

Oh my God, the eclipse is on the floor!

When does totality happen?


Which is in, like, three minutes.

♪ I'm eating a bite of this tart ♪ I feel like I'm just staring at the sun.


What are you doing?

Neil Delin Tigress, whatever the f*ck his name is, said that I can use a colander.

Yeah, but you're not supposed to look up.

Then what the f*ck am I supposed to do?


I think I'm going blind.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[phone chiming]

She's texting, she's texting.

- Oh, shit!

- What?

It's happening.

How do I know if I'm going blind?

- Where your retina burns.

- Come here.

- What?

- I need you.

Come here, come here.

Here we go!

Just stand there, and...

just shut the f*ck up and look up, okay?

I think it's happening.

Ow, but it...



It hurts though.

Okay, look at me.



So, um...

I know that whenever we've talked about marriage, that I've been kinda weird.

Oh, whoa.

I think it's a bit of misogyny and gender roles - and stereotypes and...

- Yo!

Turn off the music!

And my parents are f*cking weird, and...

like, everyone we know, like, f*ck it up.

And I was just thinking about f*cking it up, and that if I was gonna f*ck up the rest of my life, that I-I would want you to be there.


I just...

I love you!

I love you so much.

I love you so much that it's...

it's stupid!

And I just wanna...



Do you wanna get married?

- Yes.

- Yeah?


Of course.

Oh my God.


[applause and cheers]

Oh my God!

Oh my God, okay.

This is for you.

_ There's two here.

Of f*cking course there's two!

You have quite the eye for photography, young lady.

If you f*ck me now, maybe I can help you with your graduate school applications later.

[voice breaking]

That's crazy, Roger.

You don't know how to read.

[cheering and applause]

- Yay!

- Eclipse!

[cheers continue]

She put a ring on it!



[indistinct chatter]


Honestly, that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Um, babe, I don't mean to rush, but the bakery closes at six o'clock.

Oh, shit!

We've gotta go!

- All right.

- Yeah, so can we paddle for once?

Now I will help you, yes.

Okay, do you have dark spots in your vision?

I'm definitely seeing dark spots.

I'm definitely...


Oh my God!

[cheers and applause]

What the f*ck?

Why are we on a cake?

What the f*ck?



Do you love me?

[indistinct chatter]

How did we get there?

That is...

hella pretty.

I'm not gonna lie.

We're on that cake.

That means they were creeping on us all afternoon.

There was somebody taking pictures of us.

- I can't take it off?

- No, you can't take it off.

That's exactly how Princess Diana died!

_ I just find that a little bit creepy.

- Call it romantic...

- It's not romantic.


All right, what if your boyfriend's trying to surprise you.

You're with your side dude, he has pictures of you with your side dude.

You had your titty out!

_ Ain't nothing new, but like, still.

How 'bout we ate all their food?

Excuse me!

Can I get a piece?

_ Like, whatever.

I don't care.

I don't care.

I don't care, because, listen, while you were eating toxins...

♪ ♪ ♪ Nowhere to go ♪ ♪ My love ♪ ♪ Nowhere to go ♪ ♪ My love ♪ ♪ Got nowhere to go ♪ ♪ It's not true ♪ ♪ Nowhere to go ♪ Sorry, sorry, sorry.



Over here!

Oh, hey.

Is this yours?



- It's very cool.

- You wanna see it?

On the inside?


Yeah, I do.

Okay, then!


Should I close the door?

Please close it.

Just slam it really hard.


it's a little...

Yeah, it's a little...

it's a little...


This is Steve RV.


Steve RV.

He bungles things, and he sometimes puts his foot in his mouth, but overall, he's a very charming vehicle, and I have had a lot of fun in here.

[both laugh]

It's really cool.

Oh, thank you.

Do you want, um, a cup of tea?


This shag is f*cking awesome.

It's a little moist right now.

I don't know why.

And you got a whole kitchen?

The whole shebang.

Survey says...

This is cool.

Then, I went up through Nashville, and that was quite fun.

And then I just hauled ass back to Brooklyn.

Mainly because I didn't have any money left.

And real Americans are f*cking scary.

Oh, yeah, we're crazy.

- I'm good.

- You sure?

Yeah, yeah.

[indistinct talking]

Oh, hello.

[laughing, chattering]





Take me with you!

Where are they coming from?

Ben, I'm really sorry I ghosted on you.

Yeah, what was that about?

I was just in a really weird spot.

For a bit there, I was drinking a lot, and other stuff, and I wanted to...

clean up my life and just start again, and I didn't know how to...

I'm not very good with this f*cking...

conversation shit, and I avoided it.


I can't believe I'm about to say this.


I think that being sober is good for me.






So I'm thinking now, I need to go home for a bit.


Like Australia home?

Not for good.

Just to sort out my stuff.

Good for you.

Yeah, it's good for me.

- Yeah.

- Yeah!

[silly voice]

It's good for me!


I'm gonna miss you.

I did miss you.

And I'm gonna miss you.

I did miss you, too.



Can I ask you a question, though?

What are you gonna do with Steve while you're gone?


Where are you gonna park it?

Honestly, I have no f*cking idea.

♪ My love ♪ [electrical buzzing]


Martin Toll.

♪ And I'll be yours ♪ ♪ When those roses grow ♪ ♪ I'll be there just smiling ♪ [clippers buzzing]

No way.

♪ Only Heaven knows ♪ [engine chugging]

♪ And this simple act ♪ ♪ We call love ♪ Ooh, baby.



Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

♪ ♪ [The Guy vocalizing]


[honks horn]

[engine backfiring]


Oh, f*ck.


[engine slowing]

Shit, shit.

Um, um...

[engine rattling]

[engine stops]

[brakes squeak]

[hydraulics hiss]

[engine sputtering]





What's up, Steve?

♪ ♪ ♪ I been missing you, baby ♪ ♪ Let's go to Chinatown ♪ ♪ That's where we'll find our happy ending ♪ ♪ If you won't take me back, baby ♪ ♪ I'm going to Chinatown ♪ ♪ I'm gonna get my happy ending ♪ ♪ ♪
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