05x04 - It Never Ends Well for the Chicken

[bunniefuu]

[MAN WHISTLING "CHATTANOOGA CHOO CHOO"]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hello, ladies.

"Lady," singular.

Where's your mother?

I'm staying at my dad's tonight.

But it's game night.

The detective always comes to game night.

Came... to game night.

Maybe that's why she never texted me back.

Parents.

They're a mystery.

Oh, well, I'll give you that.

[SIGHS]

She didn't happen to mention anything about being a gift, did she?

From God?

'Cause if that's the stumbling block, it's really much less of an issue than she thinks.

Grown-up problems.

Not interested.

Also, who cares where my mom is?

Well, me, for one.

It's game night, and Trixie's in the house.

Well, I suppose we could play Monopoly.

Nah.

Monopoly's no fun with just two people.

Oh, fine.

You've twisted my arm.

Since it very well be my last night on Earth, let's go to the bar.

My parents wouldn't like that.

Wouldn't they?

Sounds like grown-up problems to me.

[SIGHS]

You could tell me a story.

Do I look like Mister Rogers?

You don't have to make anything up.

You could just tell me about...

this dagger.

Has it ever k*lled anyone?

Not yet, no.

Do these work?

Uh...

that depends on who you're asking.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, what about this?

What, the manicure?

It's just a simple buff and shine.

Your ring.

Tell me the story of your ring.

Unless you'd rather talk about the handcuffs.

Quite the negotiator, aren't we?

Very well.

For one night only...

it's story time at the penthouse.

[SIGHS]

Mm.

Uh...

My mom usually starts with "Once upon a time."

Does she?

Right, well...

[GRUNTS]

Once upon a time, the Devil went to New York City.

The year...

was .

[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]

It was a wonderful time.

Men wore hats, hemlines were on the rise, and so was crime.

Rationing was over, the boys were home from the w*r, and the air was full of big band music and possibility.

An old friend had reached out, asking me to meet her for a drink at the Garden Club.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

Now, the Garden Club was the hottest spot on the isle of Manhattan because it had the best chanteuse on the marquee.

The whole city knew her voice, but I was the only one who knew her real name.

Lilith.

[TRIXIE]

Wait, who's Lilith?

[LUCIFER]

Maze's mother.

Her spitting image, though neither of them would ever admit it.

♪ I'm tired of being pure ♪

♪ And not ♪

♪ Chased ♪

[CROWD CHEERS]

♪ Like something that seeks its level ♪

♪ I wanna go to the Devil I wanna be evil ♪

That's me.

♪ I wanna spit tacks ♪

♪ I wanna be evil ♪

♪ And cheat at jacks ♪

♪ I wanna be wicked ♪

♪ I wanna tell lies ♪

♪ I wanna be mean ♪

♪ And throw mud pies ♪

♪ And at the theater ♪

♪ I want to change my seat ♪

♪ Just so I can step on everybody's feet ♪

♪ I wanna be evil ♪

♪ I wanna hurt flies ♪

♪ I wanna sing songs ♪

♪ Like the guy who cries ♪

♪ I wanna be horrid ♪

♪ I wanna drink booze ♪

♪ And whatever I've got ♪

♪ I'm eager to lose ♪

♪ I wanna be evil ♪

♪ Little evil me ♪

♪ Just as mean and evil ♪

♪ As I ♪

♪ Can ♪

♪ Be ♪

Meow.

What the hell do you think you're doing, laddie?

I'm just going to speak with my friend.

Shouldn't be eyeballing Lily Rose like that.

She's Stompanato's girl.

[LILITH]

Put it in neutral, boys.

Trust me.

That's a fight you don't want to pick.

Mm-hmm.

Why don't you fellows go jerk yourselves a soda?

Oh, and...

And tell Tommy, I'm nobody's girl.

So, how long has it been?

I don't believe I've seen you since...

Marie Antoinette's coming-out party.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

And come out she did.

Shame what happened to her.

So what have you been up to the past few hundred years?

Oh, singing, carousing, raising hell one gin joint at a time.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

Everything was copacetic until someone stole my ring.

Oh, well, that is unfortunate.

How about we cheer you up with a healthy distraction, hmm?

We could rent out a brothel, rob a bank.

Oh!

Ernie Hemingway's in town.

He's always good for a laugh.

Well, I'm not sure you can go out in that.

Lucifer, that ring is the only thing in the entire universe that means anything to me.

I'm going to get it back.

And you are going to help me.

Uh-huh.

And why would I do that?

Because you owe me.

[DRAMATIC S MUSIC PLAYS]

Right.

That.

The Devil, solving crime.

It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

[SCOFFS]

Seeing as this was long before my police consultant days, I needed help.

Professional help.

Jack was a tough guy I knew from back when.

Bit of a hot mess since the w*r, but when it came to solving crimes, he was the best in the business.

[TRIXIE]

Hang on.

Why does the investigator have to be a boy?

My mom solves crimes all the time.

Fine.

As I was saying...

[DRAMATIC S MUSIC PLAYS]

Well, if it ain't Lucifer Morningstar.

What can I do you for?

I need to locate a rare and extremely valuable piece of stolen jewelry.

This ring...

to be precise.

Wait, stop the story.

You're supposed to be telling me about your ring.

Your ring is black.

Do you want to hear the story?

Because I'll be perfectly happy at the bar.

Okay, okay.

Please continue.

Oh, thank you.

So...

And why would I stick my nose in?

[COUGHS]

[COUGHS]

All right, I'm listening.

Where'd you last see the ring?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, listen, this is a pretty rough joint.

Trouble comes a-knocking, best stay behind me.

Don't worry, I've seen my fair share of trouble.

[SCOFFS]

Yeah?

How many Nazis you take out lately?

At ease, soldier.

If fisticuffs ensue, I promise to let you have all the fun.

[BOTH SIGHING]

So...

Which one of these ne'er-do-wells shall we interview first?

Same person everyone talks to.

[CASH REGISTER RINGS]

Be with you in two shakes.

What's your poison?

Gin?

Tequila?

We're, uh, looking for information on Lily Rose's ring.

You know who nabbed it?

Word on the street...

is folks say a newcomer was seen lurking around Lily's dressing room the night the ring disappeared.

Sticky-fingered gent by the name of Lucky Larry.

- Oh.

- Oh.

You get a description?

[LUCIFER SIGHS]

Sure, sure.

Handsome.

Kind of beefy.

Short-haired, strong jaw.

Usually wears a plain blue suit.

Oh, and an eye patch.

Well, you might have led with that.

All right.

Hey.

See that fella?

That's the face of a rat just dying to squeal.

You sit tight.

I'm going to go lend him an ear.

Oh!

Lovely.

Just what the doctor ordered.

Jack Monroe, PI.

You got any information on a Lucky Larry?

Seen him around.

Handsome, beefy, strong jaw.

- Eye patch?

- That's the guy!

Listen.

I don't want any trouble, but if you meet me out back in five, I might be able to get you the skinny.

All right.

[POLICE SIRENS WAILING]

[DOGS BARKING]

Well...

it appears our rat turned tail and ran.

Yeah, he'll show.

So, what'd you want to tell me?

Hey, you should watch your back.

[CACKLES]

[JACK GRUNTS]

- Ow!

- [LUCIFER]

You again?

Oh, dear!

Are...

Are you certain you don't want me to get involved?

It feels a little unsporting just standing here.

I take it back.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[DOGS BARKING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[g*n COCKS]

[CAT SCREECHES]

Warmed them up for you, Mr. Stompanato.

Thanks, boys.

Wait, hold it!

Oh, for crying out loud.

I thought you said Mr. Stompanato.

"Mr." is a man.

Did you or did you not request a gender-balanced narrative?

I'm simply following your instructions.

Perhaps you're wondering why I gathered you here this fine evening.

Thing is...

I don't like folks asking questions in my club.

Sticking noses where they don't belong.

So...

if you could refrain...

oh, I would deeply appreciate it.

Because next time...

I won't be so nice.

That means you're gonna die.

[HENCHMEN LAUGHING]

And you...

You're lucky you're a friend of Lily's.

But don't get too friendly.

Enjoy your evening.

Let's go, boys.

Yeah, thanks for having my six back there.

But you told me to stay behind you, which wasn't easy, considering you spent so much time on the pavement.

So, what now?

Well, we'll check out Lucky Larry's usual haunts in the morning.

You know, petty thieves are like bad pennies.

Sooner or later, they always turn up.

Well, then.

I am off to trip the light fantastic with your city's best and brightest.

[CHUCKLES]

I assume you have plans of your own.

What can I say?

Life's one big party.

[LUCIFER]

Little did I know, Jack and his wife, Shirley, were going through a rough patch.

[SHIRLEY]

How are the potatoes?

[JACK GRUNTS]

I made them with cream, just like you like.

Um...

What happened with your eye?

Nothing.

Jack, I know you're still sore with me, - but you can't just...

- Excuse me.

Lost my appetite.

[DOOR KNOCKS]

God forbid a man gets a moment's peace around here.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Lucky Larry?

[GROANS]

[SCREAMS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CRESCENDOES]

Give me that name again.

I have to say, that dress is a lovely color on you.

What say we leave the dishes and take it for a spin at the Copacabana?

Well, that's sweet of you, Mr. Morningstar, but...

I already have my dance partner.

Oh.

At least, I thought I did.

All right, thanks.

If you know what's good for you, you stay the hell away from my wife.

Well, I didn't think you'd mind, considering you haven't said two words to her since I arrived.

I just got off the horn with my informant.

Apparently, Lucky Larry got into it with someone down at the docks yesterday.

A, uh, bratwurst heir by the name of William Kincannon.

Folks call him "Willy the Sausage Prince." Sounds like an upstanding fellow.

Yeah, well, we'll bust his chops in the morning.

Jack, where are you going?

[JACK]

I, um...

I think it's gonna be an early morning and, uh...

I'll just...

sleep at the office.

So, what did the missus do to get your trousers in such a twist?

Cheat on you?

Kick your dog?

Ruin your favorite shirt?

None of the above.

Couple weeks back, I...

went out with some of my army pals, and...

[SIGHS]

a few drinks in, the captain says to me...

"You and Shirley were the best bucks I ever spent." Well, I thought it was fate that brought Shirley and I together in the public library that day.

All along, it was...

just about money.

- Shirley was a call girl?

- Yeah.

That's right.

And rousting me out of my shell shock was her final trick.

Well.

Aren't you lucky to benefit from the experience your wife has gained with dozens, maybe hundreds of men?

Firemen, barbers, sailors, carnival barkers...

Yeah, I get it.

Well, if it bothers you so much, why not just up stakes and leave?

Well, because I love her, and, uh, she says she loves me.

So when you find out the best thing that ever happened to you started with a lie, well, it's like building a house on quicksand.

Sooner or later, it all falls apart.

Sorry, got lost in a daydream, on account of your problem being so extraordinarily boring.

Have you considered forgetting about it?

Have I considered forgetting about it?

Is that your advice?

- Well, in my experience...

- [CHUCKLES]

...problems are like Bible salesmen, or...

genital warts.

If you pretend they're not there, sooner or later, they disappear.

Can you not paint the sword first?

It's ridiculously heavy.

Perhaps you'd like a break, sir.

[GROANS]

[JACK]

Yeah.

Why don't you take a load off, Willy?

Who the hell are you?

Jack Monroe, PI.

Lucifer Morningstar, Devil.

Carmina!

Tea!

My dear friend Sigmund would have had a field day with you.

Where's the ring?

The what?

Never mind, I'll find it myself.

What are you doing?

What is he doing?

 What is he doing?

Can you please tell me what he's doing?

Hey, I wouldn't worry about that.

What I would worry about is, we heard you had a pretty heated exchange down at the docks yesterday.

Guy named Lucky Larry.

So?

So Lucky Larry stole my friend's ring and then wound up dead.

Stabbed in the back, some sort of fancy Kn*fe.

[WILLY LAUGHS]

Wait, you think I k*lled him?

I would never.

I mean, I could if I had to, but I didn't.

And I don't know anything about a ring.

Does anyone know about your whereabouts last night?

Yes.

My portraitist.

I was posing as Hannibal crossing the Alps until almost midnight.

The overtime fees for a rental elephant are unconscionable.

How do you know Lucky Larry exactly?

- [GRUNTS]

- [ARMOR CLANGING]

[GROANS]

[GASPS]

[GRUNTING]

From time to time, I purchase a trinket or two from Laurence.

How they come into his possession, I do not ask.

I collect objets de guerre.

If he has something that I enjoy, he calls me.

I just love w*r, don't you?

Sure.

Fifth Infantry.

Battle of the Bulge.

And now, where exactly did you serve?

I would have, but...

asthma.

That's why I was so upset when Lucky Larry insisted that we have our meeting up on the docks.

There was dirt everywhere.

I'm almost certain I stepped in feces.

I'm beginning to think that Willy here doesn't have the brains to have nicked Lily's ring.

- [WILLY CHUCKLES]

- No kidding.

Where do you and Larry meet normally?

At his apartment.

It's not much cleaner than the docks.

And yes, I will have Carmina write down the address for you.

Thanks.

- Quite a unique fellow, aren't you?

- Mm.

There's a word to describe you, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

It's like a shower, but French.

Oh, I'm sure it'll come to me.

[WILLY]

Hmm.

[JAZZ PIANO PLAYING]

Private d*ck track down that ring of yours?

Hardly.

Our best lead just turned up dead.

[SIGHS]

Sounds like that ring meant a lot to you.

I was married, a long time ago.

Guy named Adam.

Things weren't great between us.

Even worse between me and his father.

- Sorry.

- Don't be.

By the time they sent me away, it was almost a relief.

I took one little piece of that garden on the way out.

The stone that was in my ring.

I didn't like much of anything about my life back then.

But I sure did love that garden.

Anyway.

The ring reminds me that I don't need Adam or his family, that I don't need anybody.

Oh, Lily.

You're married, right?

Yeah.

To my high school sweetheart, Bill.

We got hitched just before he enlisted.

Wrote each other every day...

until he got wounded in Guadalcanal.

But he made it out, all the way to the VA upstate.

But the doctors, they can't...

We've known each other all our lives.

I just can't believe...

I might lose him.

Guess I'm lucky I never got attached to anybody that way.

Don't you say that!

Every day with my Bill is a gift.

Knowing we may not have much time left...

only makes it that much sweeter.

[LUCIFER SNIFFING]

Ugh!

Well, I don't know why they called him Lucky Larry.

This apartment is literally the most depressing hovel I've ever seen, and I've seen Kafka's Hell loop.

Your friend's ring might not be here, but there is plenty of useful information.

- You see this rug, crumpled up?

- Mm.

I think this is where our k*ller bopped Larry right in the kisser.

Larry falls backwards, here, hits his head right here on the table, where you see these wood chips.

[LUCIFER]

Mm-hmm.

But then...

he shakes it off.

He gets up and he charges at our k*ller.

You, like this.

- Oh!

- He knocks the wind out of him.

- Sorry, pal.

- That's all right, I love role play.

Things are looking up for our pal Larry, until the k*ller pulls out a Kn*fe.

- Ah-ha!

- Larry...

heads to the window, but the window was painted shut.

He tried, he wrenched it open.

He got halfway out when the k*ller...

comes over, stabs him in the back...

creating that blood spatter.

Oh!

[SIGHS]

And then...

Larry escapes into the evening.

Only to expire on your doorstep.

I just wish we had some more evidence pointing us to whoever dusted poor old Larry.

Well, actually, I might have something.

[SNIFFS]

A very expensive cigar.

Well, just the tip.

[CHUCKLES]

Romeo y Julieta, a favorite of Winston Churchill and...

Our old pal...

- Tony Stompanato.

- Tony Stompanato.

[JACK]

Huh.

So Stompanato finds out Lucky Larry stole his girl's ring...

poses as a buyer...

gets the ring back.

Then kills the thief to avenge the girl.

But if Stompanato did all this to impress Lily Rose...

Why not give her the ring?

Yeah.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC CRESCENDOES]

Rise and shine, Stompanato.

That certainly explains why he never gave Lily's ring back.

Looks like Mr. Stompanato's bark was worse than his bite.

They took his heart.

What do you think they did with it?

Well, he didn't seem the type to wear it on his sleeve.

I'll check the floor.

[JACK]

Ugh.

Huh.

Looks like we were right about Stompanato rubbing out Lucky Larry.

Same insignia as the Kn*fe in Lucky Larry's back.

But who rubbed out Stompanato?

I think I know the answer to that.

A man after his own heart, and Lily Rose's ring.

[SIGHS]

But it appears we're too late on both counts.

Who would have the stones to carve up Stompanato, and what's that wackadoo symbol on his face?

They're hieroglyphics.

I believe it's the Eye of Horus, a sacred symbol in ancient Egyptian culture.

Sacred eye.

I've heard that before.

I think I know where to find our graffiti artist.

[JACK]

Hmm.

- Salutations.

- Bloody hell!

[GASPS]

Have you come seeking...

books?

Yeah, we have come...

seeking books.

Oh.

Thought you were here for the secret cult ceremony.

Sorry, my friend is new.

We are absolutely here for the secret cult ceremony.

If you wouldn't mind pointing us in the right direction.

Right through that door.

And if you haven't mail-ordered your robes yet, there's a few extra hanging on the coat rack.

Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Lovely.

Thank you.

Melvin the Magnificent, at your service!

What is it with this place?

Board-certified priest, oracle, shaman, and justice of the peace.

How may I assist you?

Lift a curse?

Cure a nasty rash?

I got a love spell guaranteed to reel in a dame at paces.

We're looking for something much stronger than that.

Preferably Egyptian, possibly involving the removal of a heart.

Ah...

You seek the ceremony of Anubis.

Yes, we do.

We'll take one of those, please.

Very well.

Look over there!

For just dollars, dollars, our deluxe ceremony of Anubis includes this ceremonial mask, two acolytes, and a drum made from the skin of a Vestal Virgin, a gilded sacrificial dagger, and one live...

chicken!

- It never ends well for the chicken.

- [GROANS]

Or you might prefer our economy package.

Uh...

only six dollars!

And the chicken heart comes pre-sacrificed for your convenience.

[LUCIFER]

Not accurate, historically speaking, but quite, uh, bloody.

My old friend Tutankhamen would've loved it.

In the modern age, we are taught to fear death.

But the ancients understood that death...

is power.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Did you feel powerful when you were holding Tommy Stompanato's heart in your hands after you k*lled him?

Somebody k*lled Tommy Stompanato?

You...

You can't possibly believe that I had anything to do with that.

Oh, yeah.

We absolutely do.

Yes, tell us, Melvin the Magnificent.

What is it you desire?

- I...

- Yeah...

...want...

Yeah.

...a Pontiac Torpedo.

Eight-cylinder engine, horsepower, zero to forty in under three minutes, and...

surprisingly affordable.

A few of these deluxe ceremonies a week, a couple of sacred objects here and there, and I'm cruising the open road by summer.

You k*lled Stompanato and then you stole my friend Lilith's very special ring, so forget the open road.

The only place you're going is downtown.

Hold the line there, pal.

Are you talking about the ring of Lilith?

Because my clients...

uh, parishioners, would pay top dollar for even a slightly passable fake.

We could split the profits.

Objects of immortality are my bestsellers.

Right.

Can any of your "parishioners" account for your whereabouts from noon to : today?

Well, sure, I was here.

I did four tarot card readings...

uh, an exorcism...

and a bar mitzvah.

- Oh...

- Tony Stompanato's heart was ripped out in an identical manner to your little chicken scam, so if it wasn't you that k*lled him, it had to be one of your customers.

Did you tell any of them about the ring of Lilith?

Well, sure.

I've been selling maps to Lilith's tomb for years, but...

I couldn't tell you who bought them on account of all the robes.

[SIGHS]

Well, that was a clucking waste of time.

I'm afraid we've hit a dead end.

Found a few heart puns, had a few laughs, but...

it seems you'll have to live without your ring.

So, why don't I repay my debt some other way?

A castle, a private island, a mountain of gold?

The world is your oyster, and I, your concierge.

Thousands of years, Lucifer, and that ring has always been with me.

It reminds me of who I am, why I have done the things I've done.

You mean, why you sent your children to Hell?

I gave you an army!

An army I never asked for.

And..

one I didn't know I needed at the time.

But... without them I would have spent eternity alone, and...

for that, I shall be forever in your debt.

Which is why I'm truly sorry I couldn't get your ring back.

So am I.

[LUCIFER SIGHS]

So...

How exactly did everyone get the idea it's the ring that makes you immortal, anyway?

Hmm?

Uh...

So I hitch a ride through the Americas with this explorer, Hernán Cortés, obsessed with gold, rains bloodshed and terror wherever he goes.

A real wet blanket.

I split the second we hit land and hook up with this strapping Aztec warrior.

Montezuma.

We have a few drinks, he asks if I'm a virgin.

I say yes because that always got the folks in Spain going.

- Mm-hmm.

- Next thing I know, some priest fellas are throwing me in a volcano.

I survive, and...

somebody writes it on a stone tablet.

You know how these things start.

[LAUGHS]

I do.

[SIGHS]

Mortals.

Wouldn't mind seeing the look on that thief's face when they realize that that ring doesn't do a damn thing.

Hold on.

The ring doesn't work, which means the thief will be looking for a way to make it work.

Lilith, I believe I've found a way to get your ring back.

All we need is a high priest, a jeweler, and a distraction.

Thanks to a certain high priest- cum-magic school freshman I know, the word is out that your ring only works when it's attached to this rather gaudy bangle.

So whoever stole the ring will come back for this...

bracelet.

The thief waits till you're on stage and sneaks into your dressing room just as before, except this time, our pal Jack will be watching.

Jack catches thief, thief gives up ring, and before you know it, that little piece of Eden will be back on your finger - where it belongs.

- [CHUCKLES]

Hey...

[SIGHS]

I appreciate you doing this.

Well, your friend Lucifer said you needed me.

But when this is over, I'm taking the bus to Des Moines.

I'm gonna move back in with my mother.

Okay, so...

When Lily gives the cue, you take the bracelet.

- Okay?

- And then I parade it around the club, take it back to the dressing room, put it in the safe.

Wait.

Just, uh...

Be careful, okay?

I'm gonna need more than that, Jack.

All this time you've spent on Earth...

have you ever connected with a human?

I've connected with thousands of humans.

Once, Caligula and I made a human train - of ...

- I'm not talking about sex, Lucifer.

I'm talking...

about an emotional connection.

Oh!

Absolutely not.

[CHUCKLES]

It would take a literal miracle for me to want something like that, and I'm fairly certain my father's not handing those out anymore.

Why?

Just wondering.

- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]

- Take my wife.

Please!

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING]

Abe Gantz, the funniest man in Manhattan!

[AUDIENCE CHEERS]

By special request, I'm going to sing a song that's been a favorite of mine for a while.

Ah!

Truth is, I'm...

Just one dollar.

...not sure I ever really understood what it meant until just now.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh!

- Sorry about that, folks.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

Had this old thing for forever, and it always gets in the way.

How about a little costume change before we get started?

Be a doll and put this in my safe, will you?

[SINGING "SOMEONE TO WATCH OVER ME"]

♪ There's a saying old Says that love is blind ♪

♪ Still we're often told "Seek and ye shall find" ♪

♪ So I'm going to seek a certain lad ♪

♪ I've had in mind ♪

♪ Looking everywhere Haven't found him yet ♪

♪ He's the big affair I cannot forget ♪

♪ Only lad I ever think of with regret ♪

♪ I'd like to add his initial ♪

♪ To my monogram ♪

♪ Tell me where is the shepherd ♪

♪ For this lost lamb? ♪

♪ There's a somebody I'm longin' to see ♪

♪ I hope that he ♪

♪ Turns out to be ♪

♪ Someone who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

♪ I'm a little lamb Who's lost in the wood ♪

♪ I know I could always be good ♪

♪ To one who'll watch ♪

♪ Over me ♪

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS, CHEERS]

[LILITH]

Lucifer Morningstar!

Jack!

Thank God you're okay.

There's a man in Lily's dressing room.

I made sure he saw me put the bracelet in the safe, just like you said.

Go, before he gets away!

You're an angel, Shirl.

- Go.

- Okay.

Hands in the air.

Back up.

Back up slowly.

Turn around.

You k*lled Tommy Stompanato?

And I took the ring.

And I performed the ceremony of Anubis to unlock its ancient power.

And now...

I...

am...

immortal!

Well, the wackadoo that k*lled Tommy Stompanato.

Willy?

I didn't think you had it in you.

Larry should have never sold Stompanato that ring.

Neither of them even knew what they had.

[JACK GASPS]

I knew all about the ring.

I'm the one who hired Lucky Larry to steal it.

Now put the g*n down and hand it over.

Gertie.

How could you?

Because it was my plan.

I tracked down the ring.

I told Lucky Larry how and when to steal it.

I even told him he could have everything in the safe if he just gave me the ring.

And what'd he do?

Sold it to some lovesick wiseguy who wound up k*lling him.

[TRIXIE]

Time out!

So both Gertie and Willy learned about the ring from Melvin the Magnificent?

Correct.

Mm.

Gertie hired Lucky Larry to steal the ring, but instead he betrayed her and sold it to Stompanato for a higher price.

But then Stompanato k*lled Larry out of revenge for stealing his girl's ring in the first place?

Indeed.

But...

unfortunately for Stompanato, Willy the Sausage Prince also wanted the ring, and rips the mobster's heart out in an all-too-real version of Melvin the Magnificent's fake cult ceremony in order to make it work.

Huh?

Forget it, Trix.

It's Chinatown.

It's what?

Never mind.

Would you like to hear the rest of the story or not?

Now, I don't want to hurt anyone.

But I need to save Bill.

Jewelry isn't going to save your husband, Gertie.

You're lying!

You're lying.

I saw you that night in the alley.

You got caught in the crossfire between the Stompanato Boys and the Brooklyn Bridge g*ng.

You got sh*t half a dozen times and walked away.

[LILITH]

I see.

But that had nothing to do with a magic ring.

- [WILLY SIGHS]

- There's no such thing.

That can't be true.

Let's just settle this rigamarole once and for all, shall we?

[GERTIE]

What?

[WILLY SCREAMS]

You sh*t me!

Yes, I did.

[WILLY]

I'm bleeding out.

Bleeding out.

Well, that's a lot of bellyaching for a guy who loves w*r.

[WILLY GASPING, WHIMPERING]

It's not real.

I can't save him.

Of course you can't.

So why risk everything trying?

Gertie, you could have d*ed.

[WILLY]

My stomach...

We all die, Lily.

And that's okay.

Truth is...

I'd rather die today trying to save the man I love...

than live forever without him.

Oh, Gertie.

[WILLY]

I am too rich to go to jail!

No!

You call my father!

Call my father!

Call my father!

[SIGHS]

There's two ways this can go.

Either the Sausage Prince gets what's coming to him and we pin Stompanato for the rest, or we get the lady bartender involved.

Your call if you want to press charges.

Let her enjoy whatever time Bill has left.

[WHISTLES]

Well, you're an odd duck, but it's been...

It's been real interesting.

Mm.

You take care of yourself, kid.

You too, old man.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, Shirl.

Um...

So what time's your bus?

Midnight.

Oh, yeah.

So if you hurry, um, you can still make it.

Yeah.

Shirl!

Um...

I, uh...

I was thinking if...

If it's all right with you...

maybe I could come with you.

It's a long ride to Des Moines, Jack.

Good.

Give us a chance to talk.

[LAUGHS]

Come here.

So, ring returned, favor repaid.

See you in a few hundred years.

No.

Well, you drive a hard bargain, but fine, I'll throw in a castle as well.

I have a lovely -bedroom in Austria, hardly got bombed at all.

I don't want a castle.

Well, now you're just being difficult.

Cortés.

Montezuma.

Willy the Sausage Prince.

They all think they want to live forever.

But they already have something so much more precious.

Gertie was right.

It's knowing there's an end.

That's what makes the rest of it count.

That's what connects them to one another.

What makes them brave, even when they have no reason to be.

I think I've been immortal long enough.

[BLOWS]

[MYSTICAL WHOOSHING]

I want you to have it.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Once you do this, there's no going back.

Are you sure?

Just one thing.

And it never ends with you, does it?

Although I suppose it will now.

Would you like me to bring your children up to say goodbye?

And undo everything they've learned in Hell?

Never.

My children are perfect.

They can't be...

banished, because they have no home.

Can't be abandoned, because they have no family.

They'll never be cast out of the proverbial garden.

You can never tell them what I've done today, Lucifer.

Not if they are going to be unbreakable.

Well, you have my word.

Well...

I never thought I'd say this, but...

enjoy the rest of your life.

[CHUCKLES]

Right back at you.

[CHUCKLES]

["THIS IS OURS" BY THE PETER SIVO BAND PLAYING]

♪ So hold me and smile dear ♪

♪ Press your lips to mine ♪

♪ Forget the past ♪

♪ For this is ours ♪

That ring has Lilith's immortality inside it?

Yes.

I suppose it does.

Though, as far as I'm concerned, the only thing special about it is...

it reminds me of an old friend.

So, what happened to Jack and Shirley?

Did they live happily ever after?

Well, they moved to Des Moines, so...

probably not.

[LUCIFER CHUCKLES]

My mom says dealing with your problems is the only way to get past them.

I bet Jack and Shirley talked the whole bus ride and fixed everything.

Yes.

Yes, perhaps they did.

Right.

Story time's over.

Thanks, Lucifer.

This was fun.

[SCOFFS]

Don't exaggerate.

You got the story?

I taught you well, kid.

Once upon a time, the Devil went to New York City.

The year was .

Are you Lily Rose?

Who wants to know?

It's me.

Mazikeen.

Lucifer told you that I was here, didn't he?

You'd think the Devil would be better at keeping his trap shut.

No, I found you all on my own.

Have you...

been here all this time?

I gave something a sh*t.

It didn't work out.

That's it?

That's all you have to say to me?

What do you want from me?

I wanted to come and see you.

I wanted to know why you abandoned us.

Why you abandoned me.

I did it to make you strong, and it worked.

Just look at you.

I can see you don't need anyone.

Yeah.

Look at me.