06x07 - The Honeypot

[bunniefuu]

Another cold brew?

Don't mind if I "cold do." Nailed it.

I am loving this machine that Charles brought in.

It is nice.

The trick is to let the coffee warm up to room temperature.

I'm already on my second cup.

This is my third.

Stop!

You're drinking too much!

Whoa, what's going on, Charles?

Why are you talking so slow?

I'm not.

I'm normal.

We're all normal.

Oh!

My God.

If you're not going slow, that means we're going fast.

Are we going fast?

Can anyone tell if we're going fast?

I don't think we're going fast at all in any way whatsoever.

I feel like we're going slow in every way whatsoever.

- Captain, how do you feel?

- Great.

Excellent.

Amazing.

I feel better than I've ever felt at any moment - in my entire life.

- So we're all fine?

Yep.

Hey there, Captain.

Oh, is this your new assistant?

John Urblan.

Nice to meet ya.

And John Urblan has just been fired.

- What?

- I have?

Meet "ya"?

You just abbreviated a one-syllable word.

- Is this for real?

- Yes.

Now clean out your "des." I removed the K so you'd understand how absurd "ya" sound.

Oh, boy.

Sorry, John Urblan.

Bye.

Okay, sir, so that is the third assistant you've fired in three days.

Because all the candidates are garbage.

Microsoft Word is not a special skill, Marcie Lux from South Orange.

Come on, look at the size of that stack of résumés.

There's got to be someone good.

Oh, yes, perhaps I should keep an open mind.

Perhaps cross-country skiing is a valuable skill in an office environment, Marcie Lux of South Orange.

Okay, so we can agree Marcie Lux is out of the mix.

Well, they all are.

I'll just make do with no assistant.

No, don't just give up.

Maybe you haven't found the right person yet.

I found Gina.

Maybe I could try.

Okay.

I suppose it's worth a sh*t.

I can always fire whoever you choose.

Yeah, that's the spirit.

Commence Operation: Nasty.

New Assistant Selection Team...

You.

Operation: New Assistant Selection Team You?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Everyone will just call it Operation: Nasty.

You don't have to turn everything into a Thomas Cruise film.

Why not?

Movies are super fun.

Meanwhile, real life is very boring.

That's why no one watches documentaries.

Tell that to the man sitting next to me at last Saturday afternoon's screening of "Ryuichi Sakamoto: Coda." Was that man Kevin?

- Yes.

- All right, I'm gonna help you find a new assistant.

Operation: Nasty is a go!

Hey, can I talk to you guys?

Ugh, you're not selling those crapola candy bars for your daughters' doomed basketball team again, are you?

- Doomed?

- Yeah.

They're terrible and you know it.

Well, I'm not selling candy.

That's next week.

Please bring cash.

What I want to talk about is how our office has turned into a junkyard.

Yeah, you know, this place is a mess.

I mean, it's like an episode of "Hoarders." And not one of the funny ones, where they find a bunch of flat cats.

The problem is, Commissioner Kelly is never gonna reopen the first floor.

We should just fire some of the uniforms.

But not you.

Uh, we couldn't survive without you, Greg, and...

also Greg?

James and Michael.

No one is getting fired.

We just need to organize this place.

Nah, do what I do.

Embrace the mess.

You've got a bagel stuck to your sweater.

Look, I don't want to sound like a Scully here, but I think it's hopeless.

Nobody could organize this place.

- Nobody?

- Here's what I need.

Sticky notes, three sizes, ten colors.

Permanent markers, clickable only.

I don't want caps slowing us down.

And I need garbage bags, 33 gallon, blackout, cinch top.

What are you all still doing here?

Go, go, go!

Captain Holt, I'd like to introduce you to your new assistant.

Drumroll, please.

That's your drumroll?

When a tempo isn't specified, any reasonable person would default to lento.

Well, it's terrible, and you ruined a fun thing, but I would still like to introduce you to Mr.

Gordon Lundt!

Mr.

Gordon Lundt!

Gordon, you want to come in here?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I was just deciding whether I should just go home.

The tone and tenor of your introduction make me worry that this is a "fun" office, which I would not enjoy.

Ehh?

Hello, I'm Captain Raymond Holt, and I can assure you, this is not a fun office.

Thank goodness.

In that case, my interest is renewed.

Here is my résumé.

Oh, I'm feeling this.

Are you guys feeling this?

Gordon, why don't you tell Captain Holt a little bit about yourself?

Where to begin?

I'm 174 centimeters tall, I can type 103 words per minute with an error rate of 1.6%, and I recently moved here from Philadelphia, which is the sixth most populous U.S. city.

I understand the city of Philadelphia is coterminous with Philadelphia County, making it the eighth-largest metropolitan statistical area.

Yeah, Philly's cool.

Isn't it fun - just telling each other facts?

- Yes.

Well, I think I have all the information I need.

- Thank you for coming in, Mr. Lundt.

- My pleasure.

So...

looks like Operation: Nasty is a full-on success, huh?

You mean Operation: Nasty Sex Slut.

- Didn't you see him flirting with me?

- No, I most definitely did not.

Then you're a blind man and a prude to boot.

Did you see his tie?

A single Windsor.

The easiest knot to undo.

Why bother wearing any clothes at all?

I think you badly misread that interaction.

Please.

He did everything but lick his lips and purr.

Get rid of him, and bring me someone who can keep it in their slacks.

Did someone say to take off our slacks?

No, not even close.

Oh.

Well, keep me posted.

My dogs are barkin'.

What dogs?

Okay, Marie Kondo came up with a system to unclutter your life.

You look at an object, and if it doesn't bring you joy, you throw it away.

Try it, Sarge.

Hello, backup pair of suspenders.

Do you bring me joy?

Yes, because you have tab endings and a sweet leather yoke.

I'm so glad you're in my life.

- I guess I'm keeping 'em.

- Ooh, let me try.

Hello, bag of old dried mushrooms.

Do you bring me joy?

Yes!

You provide rich, earthy flavor to both soups and teas.

I guess I'm keeping mine too.

This is fun.

Guys, you can't keep everything.

That defeats the purpose.

I got this, Ames.

Hello, unsolved case.

Do you bring me joy?

No, because you're boring and you're too hard.

See ya.

Personal items only, Scully.

Get that case out of the trash.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Sir, we need to talk about Gordon Lundt, and before you ask, - I have not fired him.

- Yes, I noticed.

He's been strutting around like a peacock, trying desperately to arouse me, his unwilling peahen.

Did you hear there's a barrel-making exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum of Industry?

Yes.

Has he no shame?

The door was open.

I think he wanted people to hear.

Yeah, well, I didn't fire him because I thought you were being crazy and I wanted to change your mind, so I called all the places he used to work.

You didn't do that before you brought him in?

What?

No, you check references after there's a problem.

That's hiring 101.

Anyways, it turns out he never worked at the Philadelphia PD.

So he's a liar and a hussy?

Why is he still here?

Because I started thinking, why would he lie?

And the answer is: Because he's a spy, planted here by Commissioner Kelly.

Think about it.

You've been rounding up all the captains who oppose him.

Kelly wants those names.

Gordon was sent here to seduce you.

- He's a red sparrow.

- You mean a honeypot.

Potato, tomato, but yes.

He is the world's most boring sex spy, and he's here to infiltrate the Nine-Nine.

No, this is just you still trying to make everything into a movie.

This is the real world, Peralta.

There are no spies in our midst.

I'm sure Gordon just lied on his résumé to get a job.

Oh, really?

Then how come he's in this old staff photo from the Three-Six?

Kelly's old precinct?

You're right.

Gordon's a honeypot.

Or a red sparrow.

Buzz, buzz, little bee.

Fly, bird, fly.

- Buzz.

- Fly.

- Buzz.

- Fly.

- Buzz.

- Fly.

The point is, we're on the same page.

He's a spy.

Hey, Hitchcock.

God, you scared me.

I've got a razor.

Sorry.

I need the bathroom.

Fine, but you're lucky I didn't cut myself.

Yep, sure am.

Have a good one, buddy.

- Any poopers?

- None.

What is this?

Why are we meeting in the bathroom?

Super cool meeting spot.

Don't roll your eyes at me, Daria.

Commissioner Kelly sent a spy into our midst.

This is happening.

We need to talk about our plan.

Okay, here it is.

I'm going to fire him.

You can't do that.

In a movie, when you find out someone's a spy, you don't fire them.

You can either have them m*rder*d...

- Not an option.

- Yeah, I know, we're cops.

Blah, blah.

No one likes this side of you.

Or we can launch a counter-spying mission.

I just want him out of the Nine-Nine.

If we can prove that Kelly sent a spy into one of his own precincts to seduce a captain, it's gonna look really bad for him.

- And how will we prove that?

- With Operation: Dragon.

Don't Reveal Anything, Gordon's Our Nemesis.

- No.

- I worked so hard on that acronym.

You're not even going to acknowledge it?

All right, look, if Kelly's been communicating with Gordon, there has to be evidence on his laptop.

Yeah, but he doesn't leave his computer unattended.

It's always in his bag, which he always has on his person.

How do you know that?

I've glanced at his work satchel.

I'm married, but I'm still a man.

Choosing to ignore that.

Now, if there were only some place where they make you check your bag, like an airport, or even a museum?

No.

I couldn't.

Couldn't you?

Mr.

Lundt, would you like to go to the barrel-making exhibit this evening?

Yes, Captain Holt.

I could make time for that.

I need a shower.

Okay, I went through my desk and got rid of everything that didn't give me joy.

You didn't get rid of anything.

Because it all gives me joy.

Picture of Nikolaj, joy.

Cocktail napkin from my first date with Genevieve, joy.

Birthday card from my urologist, joy.

He was the only doctor of my entire urethral support staff who remembered.

All right, I don't think Marie Kondo's gonna work here.

We need something stronger.

The Norwegian system: Munkensmat.

It was designed by a radical group of Scandinavian organizers who are doing things with cubbies that would blow your minds.

We need to Munkensmat.

- "Munkensmat"?

- Sexy, right?

In Munkensmat, you get rid of all personal possessions - except one.

- I can't do that.

What, I'm just supposed to get rid of my great-grandfather's shoes?

He had one baby foot.

This is cruel.

Munkensmat isn't cruel.

It's freeing.

When you cling to these things, you cling to the past, and you don't leave room for new experiences.

Okay, what one thing should I keep?

Hatchet or Blu-ray of "The Intern"?

You can always watch "The Intern" online.

Not the extras.

There's a virtual tour of Jules' kitchen.

Monster.

Well, Sarge, what's it gonna be, pictures of your kids or those suspenders?

Terry can't throw his family away, but these are nice suspenders.

Are they special in some kind of way?

Damn, Amy, I told you about the leather yoke!

Terry, you're clinging.

- Munkensmat.

- My turn.

It's between my seizure medication and this fidget spinner.

I think I made the right call.

Uh-oh.

I forgot that it lit up.

I've made a terrible mistake.

Look at that.

They put the sherry barrels right up front.

Ugh.

I hate it when museums pander to the tourists.

Oh, I think you need to check your bag, Gordon.

It's a small price to pay to make sure the barrels are protected.

My thoughts exactly.

- The package is headed your way.

- Copy that.

This better work.

I'm debasing myself out here.

- What must people think?

- Relax.

There's literally no other people at this museum.

Thank you very much.

Here is $100.

Pleasure doing business with you.

You know, you could have just stolen the bag, and wouldn't have noticed or cared.

Ugh.

Be better, Yanya.

- Okay.

- Yanya!

Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive.

You should only have to distract him for...

three hours?

Good Lord.

Do you think that you can talk about barrels for three hours?

Watch me.

Ah, Gordon, take a gander at this brine barrel from 1787.

It looks to me like the work of master hooper Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned it from his.

I'm already so bored.

The slats are not flat.

They're curved.

The base of the barrel is approximately 20...

Every barrel is inspected before usage.

The key is that the oak was cured and shaped by Josiah's cousin Joshua, who was a cooper and not a hooper.

Wait, are you still at the same barrel?

Please move on to another one.

There are so many barrels in there.

You know what?

Let's look at that barrel.

- Oh, thank God.

- It's a brine barrel as well.

It was also made in the 1780s.

In fact, it's identical to the last barrel.

Let's review why that's interesting.

No!

Having each selected our one item, we move on to stage two, cleansing.

In Munkensmat, you don't just throw away your discarded belongings.

- You incinerate them.

- What?

Can't we just donate this stuff?

So you can go to Goodwill after work and buy back those suspenders you're so attached to?

- No.

- Now, in true Munkensmat, you pile all of your belongings on a raft, push it out to the icy sea, and set fire to it with a flaming arrow.

But since we obviously don't have an archer...

I'm an archer.

I have like six bows in my car.

Really?

Launch.

Oh, Munkensmat.

Munkensmat.

Munkensmat!

Have you reviewed the contents of Gordon's computer?

Did you find anything?

Uh, well, hem, haw...

Are you literally saying "hem" and "haw"?

Look, I haven't found anything, okay?

Not a single email between Kelly and Gordon.

So I whored myself out at that museum for nothing.

Not entirely for nothing.

You know?

We had fun.

Sneaking around, bribing people, lying, stealing stuff.

Coming home and having my husband ask me why I smelled like barrels?

Seriously?

What did you say?

I told him everything.

He understood, until I showed him a picture of Gordon.

The thought of me at a museum with that ten?

He banished me to the guest room.

Captain Holt, are you in there?

Oh, no, it's him.

What does he want?

Do you think he knows something happened at the Barrel Museum?

I wanted to talk to you about something that happened at the Barrel Museum.

I think he knows.

This is bad!

Well, the longer we talk, the more suspicious it seems.

- Tell him to come in.

- Come in!

Oh.

I prefer to discuss this matter in private.

Anything you have to say to me, you can say - in front of Peralta.

- Very well.

- I've been sent here to spy on you.

- What?

I am truly shocked.

We are both shocked.

Commissioner Kelly knows you're recruiting a team of captains to oppose him.

He asked me to find out who they are.

But I've decided I won't help him.

- Why not?

- Because...

I've fallen in love with you.

What?

That is truly shocking.

- For real this time.

- What?

The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.

I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable." I couldn't have been more obvious.

I wore a single Windsor knot.

I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF." "Desiring Thorough Fornication." - Nope.

- Exactly.

Oh.

At first, the flirting was just part of the ruse.

It meant nothing to me.

But then the Barrel Museum.

- I fell hard.

- Not surprising.

It is an erotically charged atmosphere.

The curve of the slats, the rivets, the bilge, the bunghole.

Okay, I am actually starting to hear the sex talk now.

The bunghole is the least erotic part of the barrel.

- It's simply functional.

- Sure.

Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Bunghole.

Continue.

Captain, I know nothing could ever happen between us, but I care about you too much to do Kelly's dirty work, which is why I'm tendering my resignation.

That's very honorable.

I accept.

Oh, no, you don't.

This could be our chance.

We can turn Kelly's agent into a double agent.

Operation: Double Dragon.

Oh, it's all starting to happen.

I don't want to play these movie spy games, Peralta.

- It could backfire.

- Or it could frontfire.

- What?

- It worked.

Gordon, do you have any hard proof - that Kelly sent you here?

- Nothing in writing.

We only communicate in person.

Okay, so you call Kelly, arrange for a meeting, then you wear a wire, and we have tape of the commissioner admitting that he's spying on one of his captains.

It could work, but I could never put Gordon in that position.

I would do anything for you, Captain Holt.

Thank you.

And you can call me Raymond.

Captain Raymond Holt.

- I don't think that's such a good idea.

- You're right, too much.

That should never have happened.

- Agreed.

- Wait, what?

Did something just happen?

I've been standing here the whole time.

What did I miss?

What did I miss?

What did I miss?

Hey, can I take a couple photos of your desk?

I want to submit them to "Organizers Quarterly." - What?

- There's a magazine - about organizing?

- Yeah.

I want to be featured as Organizer of the Month.

Just imagine, me on the cover with tons of scarves lying around.

I'm holding them up like, "This is too many scarves.

We got to do something!" Okay.

Ooh, now can you open the drawers?

If you want to get featured, you got to show them what's under the skirt, know what I mean?

Uh, no, there are case files in here.

I don't want any sensitive info to get out.

I'll blur the personal stuff.

Come on, this is the money sh*t.

Seriously, Terry?

You didn't throw out the suspenders?

What?

That's not fair.

I had to throw out Great Grandpa Ellen's bitty shoe!

Why are you even holding on to these?

I've never seen you wear them.

I haven't.

I saw them at the store, and they're obviously way better than my normal suspenders.

- Are they?

- Yeah!

Tab endings, leather yoke.

I can't keep describing them.

- All right, calm down.

- I'm sorry.

I bought them right before I took the lieutenant's exam.

I was gonna wear them on my first day as a lieutenant, but then I failed the test.

I thought I'd keep them just in case I ever pass it, but I'll be honest.

That's never gonna happen.

I'll just throw them out.

There.

You can take your photo now.

The deadline's tomorrow.

We're just listening from afar.

Do we really need to be in disguise?

Yes, Carmine.

Yes, we do.

Oh, I forgot to tell you.

Your cover is Carmine Frunch.

You have emphysema, and your best friend is your pet bird.

I'm not sure I like this persona.

Well, if you make it too cool, it's not believable.

By the way, my name is Jackson Fox.

I'm an NBA player, and LeBron James is my best friend.

Oh, here comes Kelly.

So, Mr.

Lundt.

Good to see you.

What's all this about?

Captain Holt and the Nine-Nine.

That's it, Gordon.

Lure him in.

He's plotting against you with a group of captains.

I'm only here because he asked me to help him entrap you.

- What is happening?

- He's triple-crossing us.

Holt is listening in from that surveillance vehicle.

Hey, Gordon, can you still hear me?

- Yes.

- You are blowing this, man!

Oh, hi, Raymond.

Good to see you.

- Pull up a chair.

- Cut the crap.

Stop masking your evil with a candy cane smile.

Ooh, I love candy canes.

Everyone loves candy canes, John Kelly.

Now admit you sent in this boring bastard to honeypot Holt.

It feels like you two are the spies based on your disguises, et cetera.

Nuh-uh.

This is who we actually are.

A professional basketball player and a guy with a bird friend.

Oh, it's not just about disguises.

Everything that you recorded on your wire clearly indicates that I was the one being spied on.

- Ow.

- Case closed.

Pretty cool, huh?

I can't wait to play that tape for the mayor.

You are gonna look so bad, Raymond.

You're never gonna get away with this, Kelly.

Oh, I already have.

Worked out better than I expected.

I just sent Lundt in to find out which captains you'd rallied against me, and then you decided you wanted to bug the commissioner of the NYPD.

Somebody sh*t themselves in the foot.

Hey, do me a favor.

Put your resignation on my desk in the morning.

I'm so sorry, sir.

This is all my fault.

Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.

Yes, it was.

If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.

- Did you do something cool?

- I did something very cool.

While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something.

On a spy mission, there's always another twist.

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder.

There's one in the flowerpot.

Ketchup, mustard.

There are mics in both.

- Where?

- In the tips.

Oh, this is so great.

Where else are there mics?

- Nowhere.

- Oh.

But there are cameras!

There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera.

I've got you on tape, Kelly.

You're screwed.

The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands.

Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.

- You named it.

- Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym.

Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis.

Triple Dragon!

This is the best thing that's ever happened!

I mean, not for you, obviously.

It's bad for you.

What is all this junk on my desk?

It's not very Munkensmat.

They're study materials for the lieutenant's exam.

You can't give up.

You're gonna take the exam again, you're gonna ace it, and then you're gonna wear these.

My lieutenant suspenders.

You fished them out of the trash.

No, they were covered in precinct goo, but I got you a new pair, - leather yoke and all.

- Aw.

Some things are worth clinging to.

I was wrong.

Or Niles Bunkampf, the inventor of Munkensmat, was wrong.

- Yeah, that guy's an idiot.

- Was an idiot.

He got rid of all his objects, including his clothes, and froze to death in a snowdrift.

Why didn't you tell us that before we b*rned all our treasures?

Eight framed photos of my dad, up in flames.

So does this mean we can start keeping personal objects in the office again?

Yes, on one condition.

No one tells Bruce from "Organizers Quarterly." I'm definitely not gonna reach out to Bruce.

Oh, thank you.

You're a good friend.

Ah, good morning, Captain Holt.

You're looking refreshed.

Interesting.

I didn't sleep a wink.

Let's just say Kevin no longer has me in the guest room.

Nice.

My two dads, straight smashin' it.

Sorry, that came out weird.

Title of your sex tape.

But more importantly, how did it go with Commissioner Kelly?

I gave him a list of my demands, and he's agreed to back off of vigilant policing.

- Whoa, that's amazing.

- But that's not all.

I also got something for the precinct.

Is it a fighter jet?

How did you get a fighter jet?

We don't have the budget for that.

- It's not a fighter jet.

- Aw.

I got him to reopen the first floor.

It's back to normal.

It's beautiful.

Thank you, sir.

I couldn't have done it without you.

As a matter of fact, I'd like to take you out tonight for a thank-you dinner.

Oh, I would love that, but I'm gonna have to take a rain check, 'cause Amy and I already have plans.

Although I'm pretty sure you would approve.

So this is a brine barrel.

It's made by Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned...

You know what?

This was a terrible idea.

I'm sorry.

- Don't you dare stop.

- Oh.

Okay.

Josiah's cousin Joshua was a cooper, not a hooper.

Oh, mama.

- Not a doctor.

- Shh.

Fremulon.