06x02 - Hitchcock & Scully

[bunniefuu]

[BRIGHT BRASS MUSIC]

So, two keys, huh?

That's a lot of snow.

And if you can't handle it, we're happy to find someone who can.

Don't worry about me, friend.

I can handle it.

Marissa, baby, go get our guests something to drink, would you?

- We don't want a drink.

- What is this, a social call?

- It's not a tea party.

- We look like - five-year-old girls to you?

- Gentlemen, please.

Have some patience.

Two keys.

Pure as a Catholic schoolgirl.

Did you bring the cash?

Oh, we brought something much better than cash.

- What is that?

- Our g*ns!

NYPD!

You're under arrest!

[SCREAMS]

[YELLING]

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ Boss man's gone.

Where'd he go?

♪ Thank you kindly, little lady.

♪ Gio Costa, you're under arrest.

You want that drink now, Hitchcock?

Don't mind if I do, Scully.

Don't mind if I do.

♪ [UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ _ _ [JAUNTY MUSIC]

♪ What the hell, Diaz?

You trying to make your heart explode?

I'm loading up on coffee because it's a pain in the ass getting to the kitchen now, and I don't want to come back here.

Is this about the desks?

Yes, Terry, it's about the desks.

How long is Commissioner Kelly going to punish us because Captain Holt complained about him to the mayor?

I don't know, but I hope it ends soon.

Terry's shoulders weren't built for tight spaces.

It's bonk city in here!

I've said "excuse me" more times this morning than I have in my entire life.

Twice!

[SEDATE JAZZ MUSIC]

- Jake.

- Rosa.

♪ Good morning.

Oh, my.

We are very close together.

I love it.

Hey, you know how I've always wanted to have another child?

Well, it's happening!

Genevieve is pregnant?

But I thought your "meh-err" no longer made "whoo-oo." Correct.

My testes no longer make sperm.

I was good with "meh-err" and "whoo-oo." No, we're thinking of adopting again.

We just got an email from Nikolaj's 15-year-old brother in Latvia that he's never met.

Yeah, his name is Dragomir.

Oh, my God.

That is a 42-year-old fur trapper.

What?

You don't see the resemblance?

Yeah, to Matisyahu.

There's no way he's 15.

Well, then, how come he wrote that his greatest fear is "going through puberty"?

Probably because he wants you to think he's 15 so you'll adopt him.

Look, Charles, I hate to say this, but I think this guy is scamming you.

Come on.

You're just suspicious - of everyone.

- Jake!

Charles!

Captain wants to see you!

I cannot get through this room anymore, so I'm yelling everything now.

Nancy, Captain said you can go to your psychologist this morning.

You're clear!

Get your head right.

Gentlemen, we have a situation.

Scully and Hitchcock just got a call from Internal Affairs.

They're interested in a case of theirs from 1986.

If you ask me, this old case is only coming up now because the commissioner is trying to drum up a scandal in the Nine-Nine.

And take out your two best detectives in the process.

You're not my two best detectives.

Oh, that's such a relief.

I feel so much safer now.

- Good lord.

- Don't interfere with IA's investigation.

Just find out what actually happened in case Kelly is trying to manipulate the facts.

Can you do that?

Oh, so you're asking if we can open a portal to the wet and wild 1980s to investigation the bizarre lives of these magnificent dodos?

I believe it was a young Barack Obama who said "Uh, yes, we can." Ooh, sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

You want to see me, sarge?

Yeah.

I know we're all sort of crammed together in here, but we were kind of thinking that your uniformed officers are, uh, causing some problems.

Oh?

Like what?

- - How do I put this tactfully?

Your squad turned the kitchen into a cesspool, nastied up the bathroom, and made the elevator smell like a hundred butts.

Okay, thank you for your tact, Diaz.

Well, that's unfair.

Your squad is responsible for at least 50 of those butts.

Look, all I'm saying is maybe you can ask the downstairs people - to be more...

- Excuse me?

"Downstairs people"?

[SCOFFS]

That's a little offensive.

Oh, don't get it twisted.

It's just where you came from.

Some of my best friends are downstairs people.

Okay, I think you know exactly what that sounds like, you upstairs people.

Oh, thank you for that nice compliment.

It wasn't a compliment, and you know it!

I said it with 'tude.

Classic downstairs person.

Wow, you are prejudiced against the first floor.

I'm taking this up the chain.

Gina Linetti spaghetti confetti.

Gina Linetti spaghetti confetti.

- Faster.

- GinaLinettispaghetticonfetti.

- Captain Holt.

- Uh, yeah, can't you see we're in the middle of something?

Sorry.

It sounded like you were just saying gibberish back and forth.

Gina is helping me to prepare for a televised interview.

Since the mayor has yet to weigh in on Commissioner Kelly's "Vigilant Policing" initiative, I've decided to take my objections straight to the people.

And this gibberish is actually Gina jargon, a world-renowned linguistic system that worked pretty well for Ellen Musk.

- Elon Musk.

- Ellen Musk.

Season one winner of VH1's "Queen Bitch." Sir, isn't going to the press going to make Kelly even angrier at us?

Yeah.

He's already made life here pretty miserable.

The crowding, the desks, the downstairs people treating the bullpen like a dumpster.

Ooh, I'm so sorry for the untidiness, milord.

That's enough.

I don't have time for your internecine battles, and I don't give a hoot about your minor inconveniences.

I am trying to fight injustice and do what is right for the entire NYPD.

Understood?

Yes, milord.

Okay, let's set the scene.

The year is 1986.

"Top g*n" is crushing the box office, and the Beastie Boys have just been issued - their "License to Ill." - And that's the year I got felt up for the first time - under the shirt.

- Always a big moment in a young boy's life.

All right, tell us about the case.

We were working organized crime, and we took down a mafia boss, Gio Costa, for running cocaine.

We were the studs of the Nine-Nine.

Well I'm sure "studs" is a bit of a...

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I'ma say this, but...

Meow.

No, that is not what I was gonna say, but honestly, yeah, meow.

No offense, guys, but what the hell happened to you?

Are you body shaming us?

No, I'm personality-shaming you.

You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

So how did you get to Costa?

We had a CI on the inside who helped set up a sting.

We took down Costa, recovered a ton of coke and three duffel bags full of cash.

Seems pretty clear-cut, but then why would IA reopen the case?

Unless...

they think it's some sort of "Freaky Friday" situation and you guys traded places with horny singles in your area.

- It's possible.

- So what happened to the CI?

Who knows?

It was so long ago.

I mean, I barely remember how I got to work this morning.

I think there was an ambulance involved.

- Oh, there was.

- Oh.

Wait a minute.

Here's a question.

You said you recovered three duffel bags full of cash and that's what the evidence logs say as well.

- Yeah.

- So?

So count the bags.

One, two, three, like you said, but then take a look in this mirror behind you, the one that shows off your shockingly taut bottoms.

A fourth bag.

Oh, probably missed it.

Yeah, you know us.

We're dumb-dumbs.

But even you wouldn't miss a giant bag full of cash.

- It was the '80s.

- Police weren't perfect then - like they are today.

- All right, calm down.

We're not accusing you of anything, right, Jake?

- Kinda was.

- This is crazy!

- We're innocent!

- IA is railroading us like Holt said, and you're joining in the witch hunt!

You're fake news!

Sad!

[UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC]

Yeah, that's definitely the language of the innocent.

Okay, so there are two questions on the table.

First, who was more bang-able, young Hitchcock or young Scully?

Young Hitchcock.

Total smoke show.

Agreed, but it's close, and second, did they steal a big old bag full of mob cash?

They said they didn't do anything wrong.

I believe them.

When I brought up the fourth bag, they stormed out.

Or, once again, I think you just can't help being suspicious - of everyone.

- Oh, my God.

Is that what this is about?

You're mad because I said the old sea captain you want to adopt is scamming you?

Dragomir is not a captain.

He clubs the fish in the bottom of the boat.

That's his after-school job.

Okay, Charles, you are letting your emotions cloud your judgment with Dragomir and with these guys.

I mean, for all we know, Hitchcock and Scully have been playing us for years like criminal masterminds.

[BOTH START]

Okay, so maybe not masterminds, but I'm still going in there and getting the truth.

All right, guys, let's not make this any more difficult than it has to be.

We know there was a fourth bag of money.

- Where'd it go?

- We told you dorks.

We never saw it.

Now leave us alone.

I don't think you get what's happening here.

This is an interrogation, and it's only gonna end one way: with you telling us everything.

- [LAUGHS]

- Something funny?

It's just I don't think you get what's happening here.

You're locked in a small, windowless room with the two of us one hour after lunch.

- Oh no.

- You want to know what we ate?

Four-cheese pizza, double-cheese, with a side of cheesy fries, extra cheese, and a big old slice of cheesecake.

But, Scully, - you're lactose intolerant.

- Yeah.

This whole room is a [BLEEP]

Dutch oven.

What the hell is this?

The downstairs people keep making a mess of the microwave.

One of them thought it was cool to heat up soup in an uncovered dish.

- That's just crazy!

- How do you know that's our splatter?

There are some sloppy Susans upstairs.

I saw it go down.

It was one of you, - so ya banned.

- No way.

This microwave belongs to the entire precinct, so I'm nah-banned.

Actually, turns out, this microwave is not precinct property.

Detective O'Shea brought it from home - back in '98, so...

- Ya banned.

I went to visit O'Shea's widow.

- - He's dead?

- Big-time.

She is not over it.

Anyway, I got her to sign a contract that states the upstairs has exclusive microwave rights.

You bothered a widow with this?

Honestly, it wasn't that awkward for me.

Rosa did it.

It was rough, but she signed it, so ya banned.

Okay, now that we can all breathe, let's try this again, unless you want to try and stink up the entire city of New York.

Challenge accepted.

Okay, everyone, be cool!

Be cool!

Just tell me everything that happened after the bust.

I'll tell you what happened.

We were frigging heroes.

Anybody have a trash can?

'Cause Flat Top and the Freak are bringing in some garbage.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

You guys had badass entrance lines and people cheered?

What happened?

Where'd it all go wrong?

Some things aren't for us to know.

Look, guys, we never had that money.

Here.

We'll prove it to you.

Those are our financial records.

I don't have any retirement.

I don't have any security, or a car.

I rent most of my clothes.

We get it.

You're poor.

I'm not just poor, son.

I'm destitute.

Definitely not a wink-able line.

Ugh, look at all these credit card charges for Wing Slutz.

It can't be healthy to eat there this much.

If you want a diet option, the Marine Park location has a blue cheese parfait.

You guys go all the way down to Marine Park for wings?

There's a waitress there who always gives us an extra drumstick - in our slut bucket.

- Wait a minute.

Why do you pay for a monthly parking spot?

Because it's New York.

It's hard to park.

Yeah, but he just said he doesn't have a car.

So what's parked in this spot you don't want us to know about?

Could it be a super-expensive sports car, paid for in cash?

Nope.

It's just a sketchy old sex van.

There is nothing sketchy about the Beaver Trap.

Yes, there is.

In short, Commissioner Kelly's new initiative is a regressive, wrongheaded return to the NYPD's darkest days.

How was that?

Like watching a corpse wash up on shore, lifeless.

Come on, you gotta pace it up, okay?

You need to smile more.

Energize the eyes!

Gesticulate!

You're describing the behavior of a crazy person.

Am I?

Because right now, you can't take your eyes off me.

- [KNOCKING]

- Oh, that must be the camera crew, here to set up the remote.

Oh, but you're not ready.

This is gonna be like "The King's Speech," before he lost all that weight or whatever.

- I haven't seen that movie.

- Oh, it's fine, Gina.

I don't need any tricks.

I've got the truth, and the truth is all I need to bring down...

Commissioner Kelly!

Hello.

So, Hitchcock, what's the deal with the secret van?

Oh, nothing.

It's where I sleep during my divorces.

If this van's a-rocking, my ex-wife's a-locking...

me, out of her house.

- Catchy.

- [SIGHS]

What are we doing here, Jake?

- What are we even looking for?

- Whatever it is that Hitchcock's trying to hide from us.

I'd imagine he'd be hiding everything in here from us.

- It's a van of horrors.

- Yeah, I know.

I saw the bucket of male body butter, and her.

But my gut tells me there's a smoking g*n in here.

It's like you want them to be guilty.

I don't.

I just want to know what happened, unlike you, who doesn't want them to be guilty, no matter what the truth is.

I'm not an idiot just because I have a heart.

Well, your heart just might be an idiot, because voilà!

[GAGS]

So many smells.

Shouldn't have gone - for the flourish.

- Wait, is that...

- The fourth bag from the picture.

Same logo, same stain under the handle, and...

It's empty.

They're guilty!

Nuh-uh.

Not necessarily.

I mean, there could be a very good...

[LOCK CLANKING]

Damn it.

We're trapped!

We're trapped in the Beaver Trap!

We're the beavers!

We're the beavers!

[JAKE GRUNTING, STRAINING]

It won't budge.

I can't believe we let Hitchcock and Scully get the drop on us.

It's like being outsmarted by a couple of tomatoes.

I'm the tomato.

I was wrong about them, and I'm probably wrong about Dragomir.

I'm too nice.

I let every random jerk suckle at the teat of my human kindness.

Gross.

Now please hand me that mannequin's leg.

There were so many warning signs about Dragomir.

Nikolaj had never heard of him...

- He's 45.

- He asked for money.

- He's 45.

- He didn't have - a birth certificate.

- He's 45.

- He looked older than 15.

- He's 45.

Fine.

He was 45.

I'm just a sucker, trapped in a creepy sex van.

Don't say that.

It's not true.

You're no longer trapped in a van.

Oh, crap.

They took our car.

All right, I'll just call them and beg them to turn themselves in.

Oh, no.

I left my phone in the car.

I know it's under one of their butts.

Ooh, if they have your phone, we can track where they're going.

I have "Find My Phone" set up to track you.

What?

I do that for all my friends, not just you.

Show me.

There's no time!

Look, they're headed south on the Belt Parkway.

Ooh, check what exit they're taking.

Marine Park.

BOTH: They're going to Wing Slutz!

But how do we get there?

We don't have a car.

But we do have a van.

Yeah, we should have taken a Lyft.

I feel like a predator.

This isn't our car!

- It's a loaner.

- We respect women!

I'm still with her!

So you are doing a TV interview?

- That's cool.

- Why are you smiling?

'Cause he's one of those friendly villains, like the Verizon guy who defected to Sprint.

If you're angry, come out and say it.

I'm not angry.

I'm just curious about what all this means.

It's not often that one of our captains makes an unapproved media appearance.

- It's fun.

- I plan on using this interview to criticize you and your policies.

[LAUGHING]

Okay.

That's your prerogative.

No, don't chuckle.

A frown is a more appropriate response.

- I like you, Raymond.

- No, you don't.

I do!

And I just came down here to tell you that if you go through with this interview, I have some real fun ideas about ways to spice up life at the Nine-Nine.

I don't like your threats, and I don't like the cheery manner in which you've chosen to deliver them.

Well, I'm just a cheery guy.

- You're a snake.

- Okay.

I'm a snake.

[HISSES]

[JAUNTY MUSIC]

Oh, no, they found us!

Damn straight, we did.

What were you thinking?

They obviously weren't thinking about anyone, especially the one friend...

me...

who had their backs and believed in them the whole time!

Why is the little one so mad?

He's going through something.

Now stand up, wet wipe your hands, and put them behind your backs so we can cuff you.

Oh, thank God.

I'm so tired of running.

- It's only been an hour.

- Stop.

They didn't do anything wrong.

Excuse me, ma'am.

This is police business.

I know.

I'm Donna, the manager here, but my real name's Marissa Costa.

I'm Gio Costa's wife, and I'm the reason they're here.

- You were the informant.

- Yeah, I was.

Marissa's the only reason we got Costa.

And our captain screwed her over.

He wouldn't put her in Witness Protection.

So you did take the cash.

You just didn't keep it.

You gave it to her.

We come down here and check on her periodically.

Yeah, we never spoke, but if she put an extra wing in our slut bucket, it meant everything was okay.

Wait, so I was right.

Hitchcock and Scully are good people.

You bet your nips we are, skid mark.

Well, people are complicated.

These two contain...

- multitudes.

- Yeah.

Hey, guys.

I just wanted to say that I talked to my squad, and we're sorry we've been so disrespectful - of your space.

- Really?

- What's going on here?

- Nothing.

We just want to make things right.

You upstairs people are really great, and there's a lot we can learn from you.

Well, that is true.

We are pretty great, and you downstairs people are gonna figure it out.

- You're all right.

- Thanks, Terry.

- Truce?

- Truce.

Now!

- [MICROWAVE BEEPS]

- What the hell?

You thought the microwave was a mess before?

Well, we just threw a whole fish in there.

What happened to the truce?

- The truce was crap.

- You bet it was.

Viva the downstairs people!

[BOTH YELL]

What the hell was in that fish?

I don't know.

It's from the Gowanus.

It probably ate a bunch of batteries Diaz, what is going on?

Commissioner Kelly is still in my office.

I'm so sorry.

I didn't know.

We were just having a minor disagreement.

Well, can it!

I am struggling for the very soul of the NYPD, so please stop squabbling over these unimportant things.

Of course, sir, but it's not unimportant.

The overcrowding, the desks...

it's affecting morale.

Jeez, something smells funky.

What happened here?

Uh-oh.

Was it a fight, because it's so crowded?

I hope nothing else happens to make everything worse.

Listen, Kelly, I'm going to do that interview, and you can't stop me, so go ahead.

Cut our budget, close more of the building, open other fake IA investigations - into my detectives.

- I didn't do that.

No, the IA thing...

your detectives aren't under investigation, although it's not a bad idea.

Hey, thanks for the suggestion.

Excuse me.

I need to make a call.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Hey, guys, I have something super important to tell you, but first, Scully, you have a h*tler sauce moustache.

Thank you.

Go on.

Internal Affairs isn't actually investigating your case.

That call you got wasn't real.

What?

The guy on the phone sounded legit.

He had a very deep voice.

If it's not IA, who is it?

My guess is someone who wanted us to lead them to Marissa.

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

Which, apparently, we just did.

That's Gio Costa.

How'd he get out of jail?

Probably for good behavior.

He had really great manners.

Yeah, he and his gigantic g*n look like real sweethearts.

- Noice.

- All right, we gotta get out of here.

Is there a back exit?

- Through the kitchen.

- Great.

All right, listen up, everybody.

We're NYPD.

If you could all please head to the back exit immediately.

Leave the wings, Hitchcock.

No!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Look, Jake, it's the slut sauce!

- It's perfect!

- Hey, guys, we gotta leave, and we gotta leave right now.

- Charles, let's go.

- Negative.

I count three, possibly four gunmen out there.

All right, no one panic.

I'm sure they didn't even see us come in here.

- [KNOCKING]

- We saw you go back there.

Okay, so I was wrong about that.

I'm gonna go around back and cut them off.

Knock this door down, now.

[SIGHS]

All right, here's the way I see it.

We gotta break out the back entrance and get these people to the van.

Okay, everyone, just follow my lead.

No, we got you into this mess.

We'll get you out of it.

Follow our lead.

There are armed men out there.

We don't even have our bulletproof vests.

We can use the slut sauce.

That's insane.

It's not even solid.

The b*ll*ts will go right through it.

If you don't think the slut sauce is solid, then you might want to talk to my rock-hard arteries.

We're doing this, and that's final.

Scully, it's time to sauce up.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

- Why'd you stop yelling?

- Look.

[JAUNTY MUSIC]

Oh, thank god.

My wife and my dad are here.

I mean, Captain Dad.

I mean, I know who my dad is.

It's you.

Hi, Amy.

SWAT just cleared out the dining room.

- They got everyone.

- Copy that.

All right, Charles, you can bring everyone out.

The Nine-Nine is here.

See, everyone, I told you we had it all under control.

There was no need to panic.

You're dead, Marissa.

[ENERGETIC MUSIC]

No!

[YELLS]

Are you guys okay?

Did you get hit?

No.

It hit the tub, but the b*llet didn't make it through.

The slut sauce...

it saved you.

You bet your nips it did, skid mark.

Oh, Hitchcock.

You suck, man.

So I spoke to Internal Affairs, and since Hitchcock and Scully did steal that money, even though it was to help someone, there have to be consequences.

BOTH: Desk duty, desk duty, desk duty...

One year of desk duty.

BOTH: Yeah!

Oh, I mean, oh, no.

Thanks for getting there so fast today, sir.

Were you able to still do your interview?

He did not.

However, I did so.

The real question is what are police?

I'm sorry.

Who are you again?

They said they've never had more viewer complaints.

Controversial and loving it.

[SKIMS KEYBOARD, DINGS LAMP]

- Oh.

- Squad, I want to apologize.

I have been acting as though nothing mattered except my pursuit of justice, but seeing my people in danger today made me realize I was being short-sighted.

I do give a hoot.

I give a hoot about all of you.

Are we gonna keep saying "hoots"?

Is this forever?

- I pray not.

- I'm gonna keep pushing back against John Kelly, - but not at your expense.

- Thank you, sir, and we're going to stop bickering with the upstairs people.

No, Amy.

We're all upstairs people now.

Thanks, Terry.

Mmkay.

I clearly missed a whole thing there.

Hey, man.

I just want to say I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

I was wrong about Hitchcock and Scully.

No, you were right.

I am too trusting sometimes.

I did a little digging on Dragomir.

Turns out, he's not 15.

He's...

- 103.

- 34.

But the orphanage confirmed he is actually Nikolaj's half-brother.

Anyway, we're taking it slow.

In a few months, he'll come out to visit.

Hey, thanks for having our back today.

These are from the old studs of the Nine-Nine - to the new studs.

- Aww.

- Nice.

- Nice.

Well, I think they drank out of these.

- They're half-empty.

- Definitely.

Hitchcock's contact lens is floating in mine, which once again begs the question, what happened to those guys?

I mean, when did it all fall apart?

Hey, Donna, just want to make sure you're okay here working at...

Wing Slutz.

Yeah.

It's a good job, and I'm excited about my new life.

- Thanks.

- Our pleas.

Well, we're gonna go hit the gym - for the second time today.

- Wait.

You need some protein to fuel those hard bodies.

- It's on me.

- Ah, what the heck.

One wing can't hurt.

[Berlin's "Take My Breath Away" playing ♪ Take my breath away ♪ ♪ ♪ Take my breath away ♪ ♪