01x06 - The Very Last Day of the Rest of their Lives

Episode transcripts for the 2019 TV mini series "Good Omens". Aired: May 31, 2019
Series follows longtime friends; a demon Crowley and the angel Aziraphale who live on Earth teaming up to prevent the final battle between Heaven and Hell.
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01x06 - The Very Last Day of the Rest of their Lives

Post by bunniefuu »

The trial of the demon Crowley, beginning with evidence and ending with utter obliviation, is in session.

All rise.

Bring in the traitor.

Hey, guys.

Nice place you got here.

Not for you, it won't be.

Could do with some house plants.

- Maybe a coffee table.

- Silence!

The prisoner shall approach.

Love to.

So, four of us.

Rubber of bridge?

Barbershop quartet?

The trial of a traitor.

Lord Beelzebub, you are...?

I'm the judge.

And I'm the prosecutor.

And so Dagon here is defending me?

Oh, I'm afraid not.

No, I'm just here in case there's anything you've done that they forgot.

But we built this place for you specially.

It shall be your place of trial.

And it shall be your place of destruction.

Guys, you shouldn't have gone to all the trouble.

What appears to be the problem?

You wouldn't get that sort of performance from a modern car.

Crowley?

Hey, Aziraphale!

I see you found a ride.

-Nice dress.

Suits you.

-Ahh!

This young man won't let us in.

Leave it to me.

Army human, my friend and I have come a long way, and-- Which one of you did that?

Okay, those kids are in big trouble.

And so are you people.

Don't move!

Ninety years and not a scratch, now look at you.

Crowley.

He's got a g*n.

He's pointing it.

Do something!

I am having a moment here.

Crowley!

I am the nice one.

You can't expect me to do the dirty work.

I'm going to count to three, then I'm going to use my finger.

Ma'am, I'm giving you all five seconds to vacate this area!

Rest in peace.

You were a good car.

-Nice work on the soldier.

-Well-- Oh, I do hope I haven't sent him somewhere unpleasant.

Oh.

Okay.

I need to get over the car thing.

I'll deal with them.

Never fear, laddie.

I've got a finger.

You may need to brandish your w*apon, Sergeant Shadwell.

We are here to lick some serious butt.

"Kick", Aziraphale.

It's "kick butt".

For Heaven's sake.

Oh!

I can't believe I just said that.

Oi, Young.

Yes?

- Your son, Adam.

- What's he done now?

I've just seen him and his little g*ng of cronies cycling to the Air Force base.

If you think that armed guards and whatnot will tolerate your son's tomfoolery, -I, for one, do not.

-Adam wouldn't-- You saw what he did to my begonias.

Don't blame me if your son starts World w*r Three.

- Where exactly are we going?

- Shh!

In a handful of moments, the m*ssile will fly.

The forces of Heaven and Hell will att*ck.

And everything depends on one small boy.

Silence holds the bubble of the world in its grip.

Those people, do you think they were t*rrorists?

In a very nice and accurate way...

yes.

I mean, you should have seen their auras.

Was there a problem with them?

Negative.

Like black holes.

I don't think they're entirely human.

If only we knew what they were saying.

We no longer have control of the ACME-6 nuclear launch protocols!

I think we've been hacked!

Nuclear strike orders implemented...

against Belgium.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Look, we're trying to turn off the controls, but there's some kind of satellite override in place!

Are you sure this is a good idea?

They're saying it's the end of the world.

Yes, I got that.

It has g*n.

I didn't ask for it to begin.

Your very existence demands the ending of the world.

You could finish this for them with one thought.

You can make the world anew.

That's him.

The curly one.

sh**t him.

Save the world.

You are part of us, not them.

No one will disobey you.

What?

He's just a wee bairn.

You cannae-- - Oh, for Heaven's sake.

- Oh, no.

Give me that.

Ignore this nonsense.

A word from you and I will end their lives.

You can't just sh**t children!

Perhaps we should wait.

What, till he grows up?

sh**t him, Aziraphale!

I'm sorry.

I couldn't let you do it.

Excuse me, why are you two people?

Uh, long story.

- You see, I was in my bookshop-- - It's not right.

You should go back to being two separate people again.

Oh, made me go all tingly.

But we have to be able to do something.

We're not in a movie.

There's no handy little red wire to cut to stop the countdown.

Hmm.

Agnes, do you have better ideas?

You're not gonna be able to shut down 21st century technology with some random 17th century prediction.

"He is not what he says he is." Agnes, you're not even trying.

w*apon activation in two minutes.

What does that even mean?

I don't know.

-Tell me.

-I think it's about me.

Hmm?

I am not technically a computer engineer.

I'd like to be.

But I'm actually just...

-Just?

-Just...

-Just?

Just what?

-Just the opposite.

I'm rubbish with computers.

Every time I try to make them work, they break.

I'm sorry.

We're doomed.

It was time to decide who your friends were.

And Adam had.

So, the Antichrist, three human children and a former Hell Hound, faced Death and three monsters who came from the minds of humanity.

The thing is, they're not actually real.

They're just like nightmares, really.

Little boys with your toys.

I'm not a boy.

I am w*r.

You were made to serve me, to live in me and die in me.

My mum says that w*r is just masculine imperialism ex*cuted on a global stage.

A little girl.

Run home and play with your dollies, little girl.

I do not endorse everyday sexism.

Ow!

Oh!

We're Adam's real friends.

Not you lot.

You're a joke.

Just say what you believe, Pepper.

I believe in peace, b*tch.

Drop it, Pepper.

Quick.

I believe in a clean world.

And I believe in food and a healthy lunch.

Actually, it's a very good thing.

Didn't that used to be your sword?

I do believe it was.

Any moment now.

Encourage the troops, Dagon.

Right.

Listen up.

Any moment now, we'll be leaving Hell and we'll be going up against the army of angels.

Now, all of you were angels once, and we fought in the glorious revolution.

And we lost.

But that was then.

We have had thousands of years - to get tougher.

- Tougher!

- Smarter.

- Smarter!

And more dangerous.

I want you to repeat after me.

- Tougher.

- Tougher!

- Smarter.

- Smarter!

Something's happening.

Something's wrong.

- We're idiots.

- Thirty seconds...

-Look.

Repair it.

-What?

Get this computer room working better, right now.

You said every computer you try and fix dies, so..

fix it.

And speed up nuclear Armageddon?

Could you?

Speed it up?

Yeah.

Easy.

I mean, if I actually wanted to improve this computer's performance, all I'd do is open it up and then click on the disk defragmenter.

All over the world, people who had been wrestling with switches found that they had switched.

Circuit breakers opened.

Computers stopped planning World w*r Three and went back to idly scanning the stratosphere.

Death, this all has to stop now.

It has stopped.

But they will be back.

We are never far away.

I am creation's shadow.

You cannot destroy me, that would destroy the world.

Good day, gentlemen.

Cheek.

Cheek.

Death opened wings of night.

Wings that were shapes cut through the matter of creation into the darkness beneath, and in which, distant lights glimmered.

Lights that may have been stars, or may have been something entirely else.

There.

You see, Crowley?

-It's like I've always said-- -Oh, it isn't over.

Nothing's over.

Both Heaven and Hell still want their w*r.

You.

Boy.

Antichrist, what was your name again?

Adam Young.

So your friends got together and saved the world.

Well done.

Have a gold star.

Won't make any difference.

You!

You're the man in the car.

You stole my book.

Oh, book girl.

Catch.

What is going on out here?

Long story.

No time.

- Well, try me.

- Uh...

Okay, so, uh...

in the beginning, in the Garden, there was-- Well, he was a wily old serpent, and I was technically on apple tree duty.

Hey, Adam.

Hi, Pepper.

Hi, you two.

Hello, Anathema.

You just stopped them bl*wing up the world, didn't you?

I guess.

My boyfriend here did the tricky bit.

Boyfriend?

Another deluded victim of the patriarchy.

Ugh.

Lord Beelzebub.

What an honour.

Crowley, the traitor.

That's not a nice word.

All the other words I have for you are worse.

Where's the boy?

That one.

Adam Young.

Hi.

Young man...

Armageddon must...

restart.

Right now.

A temporary inconvenience cannot get in the way of the greater good.

As to what it stands in the way of, that has yet to be decided.

But the battle must be decided now, boy.

That is...

your destiny.

It is written.

Now start the w*r.

You both want to end the world just to see whose g*ng is best?

Obviously.

It's the Great Plan.

It's the entire reason for the creation of the Earth.

I've got this.

Adam...

when all this is over, you're going to get to rule the world.

Don't you want to rule the world?

It's hard enough having to think of things for Pepper and Wensley and Brian to do all the time so they don't get bored.

I've got all the world I want.

Well, you can't just refuse to be who you are.

Your birth, your destiny, they're part of the Great Plan.

Um, ahem...

excuse me, you keep talking about the Great Plan.

Aziraphale, maybe you should just keep your mouth shut.

One thing I'm not clear on.

Is that the Ineffable Plan?

The Great Plan!

It is written.

There shall be a world, and it shall last for 6,000 years and end in f*re and flame.

Yes, yes, that sounds like the Great Plan.

Just wondering, is that the Ineffable Plan as well?

Well, they're the same thing.

You don't know.

Uh...

well, it'd be a pity if you'd thought you were doing what the Great Plan said, but you were actually going directly against God's Ineffable Plan.

I mean, everyone knows the Great Plan, yeah?

But the Ineffable Plan...

is-- well, it's ineffable, isn't it?

By definition, we can't know it.

But it is...

written.

God does not play games with the universe.

Where have you been?

Can I just--?

Um...

I'm going to need to talk to...

Head Office.

How I am supposed to get 10 million angels to stand down from their w*r footing is-- It doesn't bear thinking about.

You should try to get 10 million demons to put down their w*apon and go back to work.

Well, at least we know whose fault it is.

Young man...

you were put on this Earth for one reason and one reason only.

To end it.

You're a disobedient little brat.

And I hope someone tells your father.

Oh, they will.

And your father will not be pleased.

Weren't they odd?

No!

No!

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What's happening?

I can feel something.

They did it.

They told his father.

Oh, no.

And his Satanic father is not happy.

Perhaps it's a volcano.

No, there aren't any volcanoes in England.

It's really angry, whatever it is.

I can feel it.

It's getting closer.

-What's happening?

-Well, you can call me an old silly, but it looks like the devil is coming, Satan himself.

- Oh.

- Oh, that's the way it is, is it?

Anyone wants to hurt the whore of Babylon is going to have to get past me.

Oh, Mr Shadwell.

Right.

That was that.

It was nice knowing you.

We can't give up now.

This is Satan himself.

It isn't about Armageddon.

This is personal.

We are f*cked!

Come up with something or...

or I'll never talk to you again.

Ahh.

Adam, listen, your father is coming to destroy you.

Probably to destroy all of us.

My dad?

He wouldn't hurt anybody.

Not your Earthly father.

Satan.

Your father who is no longer in Heaven.

He is coming, and he is angry.

So, what do you want me to do about it?

Fight him?

I don't think fighting him would do any good.

You're going to have to come up with something else.

But I'm just a kid.

But that's not a bad thing to be, Adam.

You know, I was scared that you'd be Hell incarnate.

I hoped you'd be Heaven incarnate.

But you're not either of those things.

You're much better.

You're human incarnate.

Adam, reality will listen to you right now.

You can change things.

And whatever happens, for good or for evil...

we're beside you.

I'm going to start time.

You won't have long to do whatever you're going to do.

Do it quickly.

Oh!

Oh...

Where is my son?

You?

You're my rebellious son?

Come here.

You're not my dad.

Dads don't wait until you're 11 to say hello, -and then turn up to tell you off.

-What?

If I'm in trouble with my dad...

...then it won't be you.

It's going to be the dad who was there.

You're not my dad.

What did you say?

You can do it.

Say it, Adam.

Say it again!

Come here.

You're not my dad.

You never were.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Adam?

Adam?

That's not really his father.

- Oh, for Heaven's sake.

Where is he?

- It is.

It is now.

And it always was.

He did it.

Adam!

Would anyone here care to explain to me what exactly is going on?

It's all worked out for the best, though.

Just imagine how awful it might have been if we'd been at all competent.

Point taken.

What's that?

It fell out of Agnes Nutter's book.

"For soon enough you will be playing with f*re"?

So this is the final one of Agnes' prophecies?

As far as I know.

Hmm.

And Adam...

human again?

As far as I can tell, yes.

Angel...

what if the Almighty planned it like this all along?

From the very beginning?

Could have.

I wouldn't put it past her.

You got the, um...?

Ah, didn't want them falling into the wrong hands.

Oh, excuse me, gents.

There's, uh...

there's meant to be a sword in here.

Oh.

There is.

Yeah.

Sitting on it.

Good thing you were here, really.

How nice to have someone who recognises our part -in saving the-- -I need someone to sign for it.

Oh, right.

Do you believe in life after death?

I suppose I must do.

Yeah.

If I was to tell my wife what happened to me today, she wouldn't believe me.

And I wouldn't blame her.

Oh.

There it is.

It says "Oxford" on the front.

Yeah, but he'll drive to London anyway.

He just won't know why.

I suppose I should get him to drop me off at the bookshop.

It b*rned down, remember?

You can stay at my place, if you like.

I don't think my side would like that.

You don't have a side anymore.

Neither of us do.

We're on our own side.

Like Agnes said, we are going to have to choose our faces wisely.

Adam had rebooted reality.

He had changed the past and changed the present.

So on Sunday, people woke to find a world that was almost, but not entirely, the one that they used to inhabit.

Although people who were d*ad were now alive.

And things that were broken had now been miraculously restored.

Those are new.

Mum, I've tidied it.

Oh!

Well, was that so hard?

I can see the carpet.

Now you just have to keep it clean.

Can Dog and me go outside?

You know what your father said.

He said that even if he didn't know why I was in trouble, I would.

And?

Was he right?

Can you explain it to me?

Well, you can go into the garden, give Dog a little exercise, but that is all.

Thanks, Mum.

Come on, Dog.

Good morning.

Oh, I'm gonna regret asking this...

but I'm gonna ask.

Why is your car called "d*ck Turpin"?

Um, well...

d*ck Turpin's a famous highwayman.

-Mm-hmm.

-It's a sort of joke.

Yeah?

Well, it's called d*ck Turpin because everywhere it goes, it holds up traffic.

Oh, I regret asking.

Hey...

Witchfinder Private Not-a-Computer-Engineer...

did we save the world yesterday?

I don't know.

Hmm.

You're a pretty good Witchfinder, though.

I mean, you found me.

As far as the British government is concerned, the apparent appearance of the legendary monster the Kraken was a mass hallucination.

There were a number of mass hallucinations in our country too.

Yes, only this one ate our trade delegation.

A strawberry lolly and a vanilla with a flake, please.

How's the car?

Not a scratch on it.

How's the bookshop?

Not a smudge.


Not a book b*rned.

Everything back just the way it was.

You heard from your people yet?

-Yours?

-Nothing.

Do you understand what happened yesterday?

Well, I understand some of it.

But some of it...

well, it's just a little bit too-- Ineffable.

Oh, that-- that's funny, seeing him here.

That's meant to be bad luck.

It's meant to be bad...

Renegade angels all tied up with strings.

These are a few of our favourite things.

-Stop!

Stop them!

-What's wrong, love?

Ooh, bad luck, dear.

It's not a problem.

It's tickety-boo.

Ah.

Aziraphale.

So glad you could join us.

You could have just sent a message.

I mean, a kidnapping in broad daylight.

an extraordinary rendition.

Now, have we heard from our new associate?

He's on his way.

He's on his way.

I think you're going to like this.

I really do.

And I bet you didn't see this one coming.

...and the m*rder of a fellow demon, a crime I saw with my own eyes.

Creatures of Hell, you have heard the evidence against the demon known as Crowley.

What is your verdict?

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty!

Do you have anything to say before we take our vengeance on you?

What's it to be?

An eternity in the deepest pit?

No, we're going to do something even worse.

Letting the punishment fit the crime.

The Archangel Michael?

That's unlikely.

Cooperation with our old enemies.

Well, wank-wings, you brought the stuff?

I did.

I'll be back to collect it.

No, I think perhaps you ought to do the honours.

It's...

I've seen what that stuff can do.

You don't get this view down in the basement.

That's holy water.

The holiest, yes.

Uh, it's not that we don't trust you, Michael, but obviously we don't trust you.

- Hastur, test it.

- Hmm.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Oh, ow!

Ahh!

No.

No, no, no.

What have I done?

-No, no!

Please!

-Wrong place.

Wrong time.

Please!

Please!

No!

Demon Crowley, I sentence you to extinction by holy water.

Have you anything to say?

Well, yes.

Um...

this is a new jacket, and I'd hate to ruin it.

Do you mind if I take it off?

Just leave the plate outside the door.

Hello, Mr S.

Yes, Jezebel?

I was just thinking...

after all we've been through the past couple of days, it seems a bit silly for me to leave the plate outside the door, so I've laid a place for you at the table.

In your den of iniquity?

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Mr Pull-zifer?

-Pulsifer.

-Pulsifer?

Well, I-- I have the peculiar honour of bringing you and Mrs Pulsifer a small bequest.

There isn't a Mrs Pulsifer.

Well, other than my mum, but she's in Dorking.

How odd.

The letter is quite specific.

-Can I come in?

-Uh...

Coffee?

Oh, I mustn't.

To be honest, we're all very interested in this.

Mr Bychance nearly came down himself, but he doesn't travel well these days.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The bequest.

It's what's in the box with the letter.

My firm has had it for over 300 years.

Master Robey?

This is for you, from my mother.

And this with it for safekeeping.

The letter contained his instructions, a gold coin, and five interesting facts about the next 10 years, which would ensure that he was able to pursue a very successful legal career.

All he had to do in return was see that the box was carefully looked after for several centuries, and then be delivered on this particular Sunday morning.

And well...

here it is.

It's from Agnes.

-Are you sure?

-I recognise the style.

-I'm Anathema.

-Baddicombe.

Well, should we see what's inside?

We've been having bets in the office.

Would you like to open it?

Oh, I say, that would be something to tell the grandchildren.

That's odd.

That's my name, I...

Excuse me, I...

"Here is a florin, lawyer.

Now run fast, lest the world find out the truth about you and Mistress Spiddon of the council town planning department." "Further Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Concerning the World That Is to Come.

Ye Saga Continues." You know, I've got a tidy amount put away.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to move out of London.

Get a little bungalow.

And they say two can live as cheaply as one.

And it would be nice to have a man around.

Uh, well, I don't think Private Pulsifer is ever coming back.

I'm the only Witchfinder left.

And you found me.

I'm not much of a witch, but...

I'll have to do.

Now what?

I...

I suppose now, I, uh...

I pop the question?

Yeah.

Go on, then.

Aye.

How many nipples have you got, Jezebel?

Retired Jezebel, Mr S.

Just the two.

Well...

that's alright then.

So, with one act of treason, you averted the w*r.

Well, I think the greater good-- Don't talk to me about the greater good, sunshine.

I'm the Archangel f*cking Gabriel.

The greater good was we were finally going to settle things with the opposition once and for all.

Up.

I don't suppose I can persuade you to reconsider?

We're meant to be the good guys, for Heaven's sake.

Well, for Heaven's sake, we are meant to make examples out of traitors.

So...

into the flame.

Right.

Well...

lovely knowing you all.

May we meet on a better occasion.

Shut your stupid mouth and die already.

I don't suppose that anywhere in the nine circles of Hell there's such a thing as a rubber duck?

No?

Ahh...

Mmm.

It may be worse than we thought.

He's gone native.

He isn't one of us anymore.

What is he?

So, you're probably thinking, "If he can do this, I wonder what else he can do?" And very, very soon, you're all going to get the chance to find out.

He's bluffing.

We can take him.

One demon against the rest of Hell?

-What's he going to do?

-Shut it!

Get him out of here, this'll cause a riot.

What are you all looking at?

Nothing to see.

Nothing to see here.

I came to bring back the-- Oh, Lord.

Michael!

Dude.

Do us a quick miracle, will you?

I need a bath towel.

I think it would be better for everyone if I were to be left alone in the future.

Don't you?

Right.

- Are you sure?

- Yes, I'm sure.

I know what I'm doing.

I just...I just don't like it.

Technological marvels can be revealed.

And you'd probably just break them.

Think of it this way.

Do you want to be a descendant all your life?

Psst!

Your mum said we couldn't talk to you, so we came round the back.

Adam, what happened last night?

Just stuff.

It doesn't matter.

All I try and do is help, and now I'm stuck in the garden.

How long until they let you out?

Years.

Years and years, I expect.

-What about tomorrow?

-Tomorrow will be alright.

They'll have forgotten about it by then.

They always do.

There's a circus in Norton.

We're going to watch them set up.

You should go.

I'll be fine.

Dog, get away from that hedge, because if you went through I'd have to chase you to catch you, and I'd have to leave the garden.

And I'm not allowed to do that.

But I'd have to if you went and ran away.

Dog, you bad dog.

Stop.

Come back here.

Something told him that something was coming to an end.

Not the world exactly, just the summer.

There would be other summers, but there would never be one like this.

Not ever again.

Adam Young, get away from my apples!

Oi, you boy!

I'll tell your father!

He couldn't see why people made such a fuss about people eating their apples.

But life would be a lot less fun if they didn't.

And there never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it.

Do you think they'll leave us alone now?

At a guess, they'll pretend it never happened.

Hmm.

Right.

Anyone looking?

Nobody.

Right.

Swap back, then.

It was just like Agnes had told them.

They were playing with f*re and would need to choose their faces wisely.

And so they had.

Ah.

A tartan collar.

Really?

Tartan is stylish.

So, Agnes Nutter's last prophecy was on the money.

I asked them for a rubber duck and made the Archangel Michael miracle me a towel.

They'll leave us alone...

for a bit.

If you ask me, both sides are going to use this as breathing space before the big one.

I thought that was the big one.

No.

For my money, the really big one is all of us against all of them.

What?

Heaven and Hell against...

humanity?

Right.

Time to leave the garden.

Let me tempt you to a spot of lunch?

Temptation accomplished.

Hmm...

What about the Ritz?

I believe a table for two has just miraculously come free.

Ahh...

I like to think none of this would have worked out if you weren't, at heart, just a little bit a good person.

And if you weren't, deep down, just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.

Cheers.

To the world.

To the world.

Perhaps the recent exertions had had some fallout in the nature of reality, because while they were eating, for the first time ever, a nightingale actually did sing in Berkeley Square.

Nobody heard it over the noise of the traffic, but it was there right enough.
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