03x01 - We Cant Bear It

[bunniefuu]

[Giggles]

Okay, that's everything I need for camp.

Oh, wait.

Clothes.

[Exhales]

Let's see.

Snake bite kit, spider bite kit, kid bite kit.

And because I'm clearly heading towards my doom...

My will.

I left my rubber duckie to charity?

I should update this.

[Sniffs]

Ew!

All packed!

Wait, where's my toothbrush?

Eh, it's only two months.

Wow.

You sure are sparkly.

At least we won't lose you in the woods.

I put sparkles on everything.

Which really annoys our cat, Mr.

Sparkles.

Hey.

If you're trying to smuggle another kid in without paying, that's frowned upon, especially since this suitcase has no airholes.

No, those are my trophies.

I've never lost a pageant, except for Little Miss Toddler.

I got 10 points taken off for making a boom-boom in my pull-ups.

Wow, they're strict.

BTW, it's a long drive to camp, so you just let me know if you're feeling a boom-boom build up.

Hey, little buddy.

Wait!

[Sprays]

You must be Matteo.

How'd you know?

I read your file.

Apparently you're allergic to everything except oxygen.

Still waiting on those test results.

And this whole thing was my mother's idea.

I don't wanna go to camp.

It's a dangerous, germ-ridden, animal-infested death trap.

With s'mores!

Cousin Lou!

Finn!

Last time I saw you, Aunt Loreen was pulling you out of the well.

That penny was worth it.

I can't wait to see Camp Kikiwaka!

I can't wait to see our rebuilt cabins.

Oh, my gosh.

Gladys didn't rebuild our cabins.

Can you believe she would be that cheap?

Yes!

This is the woman who made us use leaves for toilet paper.

I did like that they were maple-scented.

[Theme song playing]

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

Are we there yet?

If we were there, the bus wouldn't be moving.

Okey-dokey, campers, let's sing!

♪ A hundred boxes of juice on the wall ♪ ♪ A hundred boxes of...

♪ No one?

Really?

Uh, Destiny?

I kind of need that mirror to drive, so how about you sit down, belt up and sing along?

I only do solos, and you're pitchy.

This bus is filthy.

I should have bought more hand sanitizer.

Ew!

Do you know how many germs live on the average human foot?

Thirty-seven.

That's my go-to number for everything, which is probably why I failed math.

Uh-oh!

I'm gonna be sick.

[Vomits]

[Laughs]

Awesome aim, dude.

You nailed that moose.

[Continues vomiting]

Go for distance!

I have to wash the bus.

So, it looks like Gladys took the insurance check, and everyone's deposits for the summer, then left town for good.

How do you know she's not coming back?

Because when I checked her cabin, the shrine to our dad was gone.

Even the Morgan mannequin with amazingly life-like hair?

That was his hair.

Gladys paid me to bring some from home.

What?

A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks.

You guys are gonna love Camp Kiki...

Whoa.

Wow.

Who got mad and b*at this place up?

Guys.

Is it just me or do our cabins still look a little charcoal-y?

Okay, Lou, we have a little bit of bad news.

And it may be a tad difficult for you.

Gladys skipped town with the dough, and the camp is kaput.

No!

Are we there yet?

Oh, no!

The mess hall is a hot mess!

On the bright side, we can use the splinters in my butt to start a fire later.

The bench is broken.

Like my heart.

Oh, look, I know we're all really sad, but we have a busload of bummed-out campers.

And someone has to figure out what we're going to do.

Agreed.

Where is that someone?

She means us.

Oh, that is too bad, because I was contemplating joining Lou in her ugly cry.

It's not ugly.

Is it, Emma?

No!

Anyway, it's too late to drive back, so we're stuck here for tonight.

Let's just try to make the best of it, for the campers.

Agreed.

I shall go into the kitchen to prepare a tasty snack.

What food could still be good after nine months?

Otter Nuggets.

The expiration date on those things is, "You should live so long." Look!

They're all dead.

Diego, Ronaldo, Pele.

And Wolfgang.

His mother was Brazilian, his father was a German botanist, it's all very complicated!

I'm gonna go help Ravi.

I just can't believe we won't be spending the summer at Camp Kikiwaka.

I mean, this is where I learned to swim and ride a bike.

And tie my shoes.

You first came to camp when you were eight.

Don't judge me.

We were a clog-wearing family.

Lou, I know it's hard...

Right?

I mean, I make the bunny ears, but then, is it over?

Is it under?

Is it through?

I meant, I was really looking forward to the summer, too.

I was going to be a counselor.

And you were finally going to teach me the secret Kikiwaka handshake invented by Jedediah Swearengen.

Oh, right.

Here it is.

That's it?

The man had a hook.

What did you expect?

So, unfortunately, tomorrow everyone has to go home.

All: Aw!

Yay!

But we're going to make tonight the most fun night ever.

Right, Lou?

[Sobs]

That's right.

So much fun.

This is awesome!

And since the cabins are literally toast, we get to sleep outside.

Outside?

Like animals?

Is that safe?

I sure hope not.

[Howls]

What is wrong with you?

Well, according to my teachers, I...

The less we know, the better.

I know this place looks like a mess, but Camp Kikiwaka can be beautiful.

So beautiful.

Especially when the moon glints off the dead fish-bellies in the lake.

Things don't last long in our lake.

We once saw an entire beaver dissolve in 10 minutes.

They really should have mentioned that in the brochure.

Look!

More dark fur!

Whatever wrecked this place was also apparently manscaping.

And used our door as a scratching post.

Do you think whatever it was is gone?

Uh, yes, of course.

After all, there's nothing left to eat in here.

[Animal growls]

[Both gasp]

Except us!

I say we order takeout.

Agreed!

[Screams]

Okay, so, the first thing we're going to do is...

Bear in the mess hall!

Run!

[All scream]

Matteo, run!

I thought I was!

It works better when you move your legs.

Seventy-eight, seventy-nine, eighty, and...

Eighty-one?

That's one too many.

Someone's got two heads.

Ugh, it's just Timmy.

Shoo, Timmy.

Okay, everybody, we can all relax.

Because it turns out, it was just a baby bear.

Good thing I went back to assess the danger, or we would not have known that.

You went back because you dropped me.

The important thing is, we're all safe.

Unless there are any puppies or kittens Zuri and Ravi wanna warn us about.

[All laugh]

In their defense, any bear is a flea-covered nuisance.

Hey, that's what my mom calls my Uncle Pooter.

Hey, you leave my dad out of this.

[Grunts]

Why do you need that window open?

You don't smell that overpowering stench of bear?

Oh.

I thought that was Finn.

I give up.

We've got stuck windows, broken benches.

This place is never gonna be in shape for dinner.

Not necessarily.

A pageant girl is always prepared.

What do you mean?

We can fix this bench with double-sided tape, which I normally use to keep from getting a swimsuit wedgie.

Wow.

This tape is strong.

That must really hurt when you rip it off your butt.

I'll say.

Once, I did a pageant in Georgia, and they heard me screaming in Tennessee.

So, the bear ate everything in the freezer except these Otter Nuggets.

That bear has good survival instincts.

Yeah, it left these, but ate the fridge magnets.

The ones with inspirational sayings?

Yep.

"While beggars cannot be choosers," to quote my favorite magnet.

Perhaps I can improve these Otter Nuggets with some of this spilled paprika!

Those are fire ants.

Yes, yes, they are!

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

[Whimpering]

Okay, so, we Woodchucks may not have our own cabin, but, I give you Woodchuck tent.

Oh, that looks cozy.

Just leave the flap open.

Those Otter Nuggets aren't sitting too well.

Why is the girls' tent so much bigger than ours?

Yeah!

It is called chivalry, gentlemen.

Plus, the big one was too heavy for me to carry.

[Chuckles]

Destiny, we're only here for one night.

Did you really need to unpack all of your trophies?

Yes.

Basking in the glow of my past victories helps me sleep.

Now, if you'll excuse me...

I always tap dance before bed.

No, no, no, no, no.

Tent rule number one, under no circumstances will there be tap dancing of any sort.

Legs will be broken.

Ow.

Uh, Destiny?

Your Junior Miss Sunshine trophy was just where the sun don't shine.

[Grunts]

This ground has no lumbar support.

Then tuck a nice, soft rock under your back and go to bed.

[Leaves rustling]

What are you doing?

I'm checking for anything with wings, fangs, scales or udders.

Udders?

Cows freak me out.

I will add that to your list, right after "squirrels with an attitude." Now, let us rest.

[Branch creaking]

[Screams]

Cow!

Matteo, that is just a branch.

[Screams]

Cow with a branch!

You must be real popular at sleepovers.

I've never been to a sleepover.

That is a shock.

I mean, Finn, that was mean!

Okay, time to go home.

Everybody on the bus.

Hey.

Know what I've never done?

Used a hygiene product?

Chewed with your mouth closed?

Learned to spell your name?

Taken a selfie with a bear.

BRB.

No, that's dangerous!

Get back here!

I'm really gonna miss this place.

But thanks to you guys' support, I think I'm gonna be okay, so...

No more tears.

[Both sobbing]

I'm gonna miss this place.

Oh, me, too, I will never forget it.

I am taking memories.

You're taking fire ants.

Again.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Will you two chill?

It's just a camp.

It's gonna be okay, guys.

It's all gonna work out.

Just get on the bus.

Stay strong, Lou!

You are their rock, the wind beneath their wings.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Let go of my hearing hole.

[Engine starts]

Wait!

Stop!

They left without us!

Awesome!

[Howls]

Ow!

And you're the last person on Earth I'd pick to be stuck with.

Hey, guys.

Make that second to last.

Phew!

Word to the wise, do not go in the woods for a while.

Where is everybody?

They've left, so we're on our own.

[Speaking Portuguese]

He's an alien!

And he's speaking to his evil overlords!

I'm gonna hit him with a shovel.

No!

I'm sure there's a logical explanation for why he's talking like that.

I panic in Portuguese.

You're a strange little boy.

Matteo, calm down.

I'm sure they'll notice we're missing.

Oh, my gosh!

[Tires screeching]

We have to turn around.

What's wrong?

Did you leave something at camp?

Yes!

Oh, never mind.

I guess I can get another toothpaste cap.

But we can never get another Camp Kikiwaka.

You said it, sister.

Should we sing the Camp Kikiwaka song?

One last time?

Okay, but only if you promise to stop crying.

I can't take any more snot bubbles.

All: ♪ Here we go ♪ ♪ We're leaving the city behind...

♪ [Sobbing]

Kikiwaka!

Give me some of that camp.

See?

I told you guys we'd have fun.

I can't believe I caught a fish.

Technically, it swam into your pants when you fell in the lake.

A lesser man would have removed his pants immediately.

But I bravely kept mine on.

Which we thank you for.

Destiny, it's so cool you can gut these fish with your bare hands.

You just gotta have the right manicure.

♪ Ninety-two boxes of tears on the wall ♪ ♪ Ninety-two boxes of tears ♪ ♪ You take one down Lou.

♪ ♪ You pass it around 92...

♪ ♪ Lou.

Lou!

♪ You do realize you're the only one singing, right?

I don't care.

Come on, Finn, sing along, or I'll tell everyone you name your boogers.

Which I guess I just did.

Finn?

Finn?

Finn!

Uh, guys...

He's not here.

What?

[Tires screeching]

Neither are Matteo or Destiny!

I can't believe we left three campers behind.

Percentage wise, that's not that bad.

Oh, hi, there.

You look like a Reggie.

Reggie, meet Greg.

"Hi, there." "Hi, bro." I can't believe they still haven't come back for us.

Well, Lou's not the most observant person.

Her first boyfriend was a scarecrow.

And that lasted six months.

But what if they never come back?

They will.

Lou's also very loyal.

And never forgets a friend.

She still writes to that scarecrow.

I actually don't mind if we're here a little longer.

It's a nice change of pace from being in pageants.

I thought you loved competing.

Yeah, don't you collect the tears of your competitors in a vial that you wear around your neck?

Yeah.

But it's a lot of pressure to have to look perfect and be perfect all the time.

Now I've got stringy hair, muddy clothes and it's been really fun.

I've helped a lot of people enjoy a muddier lifestyle.

You know, it's weird.

Even though this place is a death trap, it's been kind of fun.

In fact, I'm not even scared anymore.

[Growling]

What was that?

It's probably just that cute little bear cub again.

Hey, I can finally get my selfie!

[Growling]

[All scream]

Bear!

Do you think it saw us come in here?

[Growling]

[All scream]

I don't speak bear, but I'm thinking that's a yes.

[All screaming]

I gotta get my hairspray.

This is no time to worry about your looks.

I meant, this'll scare it away.

Or make it angrier.

And slightly more stylish.

I'll save you guys.

You will?

[Grunts]

Going down.

Run and tell my tale!

[Roaring]

Emma: No, don't run, you cannot outrun a bear.

Back away from the bear slowly.

I'd rather back away quickly.

[Clangs]

Go!

Scram!

Get out!

Loud noise!

Oh, thank goodness you guys are okay.

Why weren't you on the bus?

I wanted a bear selfie.

I'm sorry, Cousin Lou.

This was all my fault.

No, I should have done another head count before I drove off.

This was all my fault.

And just to be clear, none of this was my fault.

You know what?

Before we were almost eaten, we were actually having fun.

Yeah.

It was nice hanging out with you guys.

I don't have a lot of friends at home.

What?

Ow!

Well, you have some now.

Camp Kikiwaka is all about making friends.

Or some very close acquaintances who promised to keep in touch over the winter, but then did not.

Because they "lost your e-mail." To be fair, that's not really the camp's fault.

Ravi's social life aside, we sure did have a lot of great times here.

I see why you all love this place so much.

It's too bad you don't have a rich friend who could just buy the camp.

[Record scratches]

Wait, are you all thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep.

Taylor Swift.

Guys, I just talked to Mom and she's going to buy the camp for us.

[All cheering]

I did not think I could love that woman anymore.

First we lose the camp, then we get it back, it has been such an emotional roller coaster, I feel dizzy!

Actually, a mosquito has been sucking on your neck for an hour.

That's not euphoria, that's blood loss.

Oh, that would explain why I cannot feel my feet.

He was a thirsty little sucker.

I just can't believe I'm going to be in charge of my own camp!

Hey, what do you mean you're in charge?

I'm the one who does the family taxes!

And how I'm gonna write this camp off, I have no idea.

Actually, as the only one whose report card is not covered in frowny faces, I should be in charge.

You'll work that out.

Or you won't.

The important thing is Camp Kikiwaka lives on.

And it'll be better than ever...

As soon as we clean the great lawn, rebuild the cabins...

[Horn honking]

[Crashing]

And rebuild the mess hall.

Hey, guys!

So, I think this brake is supposed to be attached.

On the bright side, I found my gum under the seat!

Technically, he's just my second cousin.