01x09 - Stuck with Mom's New Friend

[bunniefuu]

The thing about life is, lots of times, you don't miss something till it's gone, like my freedom at the slushy window.

Dad took Georgie to a basketball tournament, so Mom's covering the store, which leaves her plenty of "hang with Harley" time.

She decided slushy.

Cute boy, your age, incoming.

Mom, be cool. Always.

So, uh, just wondering. You single, big guy?

Not for me. For my daughter.

sh**t.

Young man! Excuse me. Sorry.

Good for Mom. Seven kids, and still has the energy to chase another one.

With Dad gone, Mom has no one to talk to.

She's all up in my business.

Literally.

"Mom-carena"?

It comes with a dance.

This is a viral video just waiting to happen.

♪ Ready from the top, spit out your gum ♪

♪ Give it here ♪

♪ Stop your screaming in my ear ♪

♪ Driving, driving everywhere ♪

♪ Don't you make me come back there ♪

♪ It's Mom-carena ♪

♪ Jump right ♪ Other right, Beast.

Relax.

Dad's only gone a few days.

Yes, but this is a peek into our future.

As we all get older, Mom will have more free time, and Dad as her bestie won't be enough.

As sick as it sounds, she'll look to her kids for friendship.

But it makes her happy.

Oh. So you want her to be happy.

Mom!

Ethan came down to do some music with you.

What?! Really? You did?

Actually...

So fine, we can do a mom-son duet.

♪ Mom and son together as one ♪ I just thought of that.

I love it.

♪ Mom and son ♪ Oh, so good.

It is good.

I'm gonna go write it down.

Oh, sh**t.

This guy wanted two Mom-carenas.

You guys got it, right?

♪ Spit out your gum, put it here ♪

♪ Stop your screaming in my ear ♪

♪ Driving, driving everywhere ♪

♪ Don't you make me come back there ♪ We've gotta get Mom a friend. You think?

Jump right.

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Mom's so busy.

I never thought about it before, but she really doesn't have a lot of friends.

I know. She used to have tons.

But it was hard to find time for them once she had Rachel, Georgie, you, me, Lewie, Beast and Daphne.

Here we go. Marshport Mom Friender.

"Find local women with similar interests schedules and personalities."

Wow. Lucky for us, this town is lousy with friendless moms.

Which picture should we put on there?

They don't use pictures.

You're matched based on common interests.

Let's fill this out. Mom's age.

What she says, or what she is?

I don't know either one.

Me either. Next one.

Middle name.

That's easy. Maria.

Maria? It's Rose.

Or Lily.

Or Daisy. It's definitely a flower.

Geranium?

Suzy Geranium Diaz?

Really?

Think I better do some recon.

We're under siege!

This is not a duel!

Stop, stop! I was just returning the sword I found in my yard.

Oh.

Apologies for the misunderstanding, Lady Peters of Next Door.

But you did come into my kingdom wielding a w*apon, and you are assuming the classic fight stance of a knight.

I was just holding the sword like this.

We're under siege!

No, no, no, no!

Beast, stop.

Bethany, I didn't know you had a play date with the boys.

I was returning this violent w*apon that landed in my yard.

Living next to your family is like living in the Dark Ages with swords and pestilence and plagues.

I'm not allowed to play games like this.

At my house, we don't even play Hide-And-Seek.

We do. We play hide your face in a book and seek knowledge.

I promise the boys won't throw any more stuff into your yard.

My shoe!

I'm pretty sure a bird dropped that.

Come on, butler, don't make me late.

Just because Mom's forcing me to take you to play rehearsal doesn't make me your butler.

You're also responsible for my bags and transportation.

That makes you Mom's sl*ve and my butler.

People are gonna see me hauling around a kid, taking public transportation.

I'm a shopping tote away from being ordinary.

Hey, you're being seen with the star of the Friendly Farm Show.

The cow. The cow can trample and k*ll.

Chicken can't do that.

Diazes are always the star.

When I was your age, I was Cinderella.

The play was about nutrition, but none of the four food groups wears a crown.

Great story.

You wanna grab my bag, though, Princess?

Hey. I'm ready to head to the marina as soon as I find my keys.

Daphne's onesie.

Wow.

I haven't done laundry in a while.

Listen, Mom, I'm doing an essay at school about my hero, and I chose you.

So I have a few questions.

Oh!

This would feel like a much bigger win if I wasn't kneeling in a pile of dirty skivvies.

Okay, question one.

What is the furthest distance you would want a friend to live from you?

Weird. Um, okay.

Twenty miles.

Question two.

Do you have a significant other, and would he/she be jealous of this new relationship?

How is this about me as your hero?

Let's move on to question three.

Put the following 15 activities in order of preference.

Snorkeling, volleyball, Sudoku, m*rder mystery dinners, sky diving... Start with finishing this survey.

Anything else comes second.

Tag "bogus day.

b*mb hair."

I need air.

It smells like tush in here.

Water me, butler.

No. Absolutely not.

I can't do juice box. I'm trying to stay in character.

I'm talking about this.

Not happening.

Daphne... you are a Diaz, and no Diaz is playing the butt.

Excuse me, but in the theater, we call it the rump.

Okay, I'm going to tell Mom we found her a new friend.

When you see the big reaction, that's when you come in.

Got it.

Hey, Mom, you know how you have no friends?

What?! Starting again.

You know how sometimes at work, you're all up in my face?

Wow, I really should have rehearsed this.

You need a friend, so Ethan and I went to a website online, set up a profile, and found you one.

You did what?!

♪ Mom and friend ♪

♪ She didn't have anyone, now she does ♪

Was that because of my singing?

No, but it should've been.

You set me up with someone online?

Me, your mother.

See, Harley, I told you it sounds weird.

It sounds weird.

Solid back-up there, partner.

Don't be upset.

It was just to find a friend, Mom.

We realize you don't have a lot, and we wanted to help. I have friends.

Lucy comes over almost every day.

That's because she's our mail carrier.

It doesn't count if they're paid by the government to visit.

I guess I've been so busy with you kids, I let my friends slip away.

Like my freedom at the slushy window, Mom didn't miss her friends until they were gone.

But both of our problems were about to be solved by forcing Mom to be friends with someone she doesn't know.

Ethan's right. That does sound weird.

But guess what.

We found you a friend online that matches you 95%.

95%! That's almost a perfect match.

You found me another me.

And she's free to meet this afternoon.

Okay.

I'll do it.

I better go put on some deodorant.

That Mom-carena really works up a sweat.

Oh, no. Mom can't meet a friend with Ms. Peters here.

Hey, Ms. Peters. A special deal right now.

A free slushy to anyone who leaves in the next 30 seconds.

No, thank you. I'm yang shen, and my Chinese herbalist has advised I consume all foods at room temperature.

Well, I'm feng shui, and I think you're better off outside.

I can't leave, Harley.

I'm here to meet someone.

A new friend who matches me 95% on Marshport Mom Friender.

I don't know why they chose to meet here.

Must be part of the five percent we don't match.

I couldn't find deodorant, so I used toothpaste.

Hopefully my new friend won't think it's weird.

She might.

What?! No!

Look. Same horrified reaction.

You are a perfect match.

I have a plan to get you out of that cow suit and into stardom.

But I'm already a star. The cow's rump.

Milk, poop... everything comes out of my end.

The only thing that comes out of the front is "moo."

Don't make Death-nee cut you!

Fine.

I'll help you be a better cow.

If Lady Gaga can shine in a meat suit, so can you.

She says you have two minutes.

We're listening.

Obviously the Marshport Mom Friender algorithm's wrong.

I mean, there's no way Bethany's favorite coffee creamer is...

Hazelnut.

Or your favorite actor is...

John Stamos.

This has to be a fluke.

Teal, Bermuda, coconut cream pie.

Poodles, pugs, Chihuahuas.

You actually have a lot of the same tastes.

Guess you never got past the bickering long enough to see it.

I just can't believe this.

Tony, watch the store. We're going for a...

Long walk on the beach.

I don't know what this is, but I'm afraid I'll wake up, and it will be gone.

Sh. Don't move.

Bethany and I talked almost all night, and we realized once you get past our initial parenting bumps, we really aren't so different.

You might not be, but this breakfast is.

You used the oven?

Is Abuela coming to visit?

No. Bethany reminded me that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so getting up to cook is worth it.

Juice comes from that?!

I always thought it came from a carton.

This is blowing my mind.

And we got breakfast bandanas.

Classy, but that's a napkin.

OMG!

I'm seeing floor. Lots of floor!

Someone stole our dirty clothes!

No. Bethany and I did laundry while we chatted.

I'll be doing it more regularly now.

If you stay on top of it, it won't pile up.

How are we supposed to find our clothes without climbing Machu P-U?

You'll look in your drawers, which will no longer just be things you pull out to make forts.

Clean clothes in drawers?

It's like colonizing Mars.

Something I've dreamed of, but never thought I'd see in my lifetime. Sorry, Ethan.

Marshport Mom Friender is my new BFF.

Okay, step one to being the star is claiming the stage.

If there's one thing I know, it's how to draw focus.

I can draw a unicorn eating a cat.

Mom and Dad really punted with you.

I can't believe this.

Our moms are friends, and it's great.

It's so weird.

I didn't have to fight through roller skates and shoes to come in.

I got scared and ran back out because I thought I was in the wrong house.

So clean, I can't find the remote.

It's usually under a magazine or a plate of old food.

Mom!

I can't find the remote.

The remote is here, but I'm afraid you can't have it.

What? Why?

The breakfast Bethany suggested was such a hit, I asked her for a few more pointers.

Media usage chart.

Sorry. You've already used your screen time for today.

May I suggest a language-learning tape, or meditation?

What is this?

My house.

Why do we need a chart to limit our screen time?

That's what sleep is for.

This is so helpful.

It clearly says who gets to watch when.

No more fighting over the remote.

Why does Sunday just say no?

Sunday is fun day.

Media free, but lots of time to cultivate your family while you cultivate your garden.

And I brought you a gift, Harley.

Child-safe pruning shears. Huh?

Thanks, but I have real shears in my invention bag.

Not anymore.

Your mom and I went through that hazardous bag and removed everything sharp.

It's full of tools and broken toys.

Everything in it is sharp.

I'm sure you can invent lots of cool stuff with washable crayons and non-permanent glue.

You know how parents say some friends are a bad influence?

Well, I set my mom up with the worst influence of all.

We're trading v*olence for violins.

These used to be Ellie's.

This is a terrible sword.

It would take forever to saw off an arm.

I think mine's broken.

Who took my heels?

Heels shorten your calf muscles.

They're bad for your arches, and your reputation.

That was Bethany's.

She's way funnier than I thought.

The only joke is these grandma shoes.

They couldn't be worse.

They're comfy. I got myself a pair.

And now they're worse. Excuse me.

My guitar amp used to go to ten.

Why does it only go to two now?

These don't look like cheeseburgers.

No. I said I was making cheese bulgurs.

Bulgur is a delicious cracked wheat.

The wheat's not the only thing that's cracked.

This doesn't look like a cappuccino.

Caffeine stunts your growth.

I said kelp-accino.

This is a disaster.

Mom's best friend is our worst nightmare.

Dance? Cows don't dance.

They do now.

A lot of people think that dancing is up here.

Wrong. It's right here.

Not bad.

Get ready to own it.

Watch me.

Drop shoulder.

Give look. Lift shoulder.

This is ridiculous.

I just do not have a bad side.

Me either.

I hate to tell you, Harley, but your happy place helmet is not taking me to a happy place.

Don't blame the helmet.

It was designed to cancel out quieter sounds, like a jet engine, or the Earth imploding.

The Earth never implodes when you want it to.

Be one with the instrument.

Eat, live, breathe it.

Take it with you everywhere you go.

Great.

This is going to be the soundtrack of our life.

I used to come to this house to escape.

Now there's no escape.

No one comes between the Diaz kids and our right to disorganization, sharp tools, and screen time.

Time to prune Mom's friend garden.

I was skeptical, but gardening is satisfying.

So satisfying.

Hey, Ms. Peters is awesome, but why limit yourself?

I found you another friend match.

I don't know.

Bethany is working out.

Plus I really don't have time for more friends.

But should your only friend be a person who called animal control on your sons?

To be fair, they were hissing and pawing through her trash bin.

I never gave Bethany a chance.

Thank you, Harley, for helping me discover a friend right next door.

Don't thank me.

Seriously. Don't.

Oh!

Time to get ready for Daphne's show.

Okay, we have hip-hop, Euro-pop, dance pop and K-pop.

Which one feels more cow to you?

Did I hear lollipop in there?

That one. I'll pick.

Get ready. The Friendly Farm Show's about to get real.

Mom, you should totally invite Ms. Peters to the show.

It's just a little kindergarten play.

She wouldn't be interested.

You're interested, which means there's a 95% chance that she'll be interested too.

You're right.

Get ready.

The Unfriend A Mom Friend Show is about to get real.

I'm glad to see you're bonding with your instruments.

Oh. I mostly just brought it to carry snacks.

It's like a big lunchbox.

Gummi? Just don't take the red ones.

I like those.

No, thank you.

My family has respect for their teeth.

Isn't that right, Ellie?

Aww!

E-i, e-i, no, I didn't!

♪ Gonna rap this farm and I ain't trippin' ♪

♪ This here cow you best not be tippin' ♪

♪ Old MacD got an animal crew ♪

♪ He wake up every morning to a cock-a-doodle-do ♪

♪ So turn up the music and throw down the groove ♪

♪ Clear off the dance floor and watch me moooo-ve ♪ Where my party animals at?

Friendly Farm, make some noise!

Did you know about this?

Not at all.

I did. Well, maybe not this.

This is way better than I hoped.

Turn down for what?!

k*ller cow out. Moo.

Your family is out of control.

I don't believe in spanking, but I hope you do.

You're right. They should not be sword fighting with violins, or booty shaking in cow suits, or...

I'm sorry. Just hearing myself, I can't get through that sentence.

You think this is funny?

Because I think this is an outrage.

Because you expect things to be perfect all of the time, but you know what, Bethany.

Life isn't like that, especially not in my family.

I've got seven crazy kids who do crazy things, and I can laugh or I can cry.

Laughing is a heck of a lot more fun.

I thought our 95% match meant something.

But you're the same old loosey-goosey, anything-goes Suzy Diaz, and you're not changing.

Hey, you know what. We agree on that, too.

Maybe our five percent difference is 100% why we'll never be friends.

Sorry it didn't work out.

I really was hoping you'd find a new friend.

It's all good, Harls.

You reminded me that I need to reconnect with my old ones.

But until then, loosey-goosey, anything-goes, my-family's my-best-friend Suzy Diaz works for me.

Works for me, too.

The thing about life is, lots of times, you don't miss something till it's gone.

And sometimes gone is the best part.