05x07 - Season 5, Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Affair...

I don't want to have to pay the rent by myself every month.

Let's just go get married at city hall tonight.

I want a wedding, at my grandparents' house.

Whitney, this marriage thing, you don't have to do it, you know.

But, actually, Dad, I do, because if I don't, then Colin has to leave the country.

I'm desperate for a date to my opening tomorrow.

-Dashiell Boucicault. -Hi.

He likes to watch.

He could give you a gallery.

I'm married. - Thank you for finally telling me.

-That's it? -What do you want me to say?

Doesn't matter. You love me, too.

Oh, it does matter. And I don't forgive you.

And how can I tell you I love you? I don't even know you.

You're working so calmly in the place where your mother d*ed.

You were right.

She d*ed at the jetty.

Why was your dad obsessing about a Marine named Benjamin Cruz?

I think he k*lled her.

♪ I was screaming into the canyon ♪

♪ At the moment of my death ♪

♪ The echo I created ♪

♪ Outlasted my last breath ♪

♪ My voice it made an avalanche ♪

♪ And buried a man I never knew ♪

♪ And when he d*ed, his widowed bride ♪

♪ Met your daddy and they made you ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ I have only one thing to do ♪

♪ And that's be the wave that I am, and then ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean, sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the o... ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the o... ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ Sink back into the ocean ♪

♪ "Walking with a Stranger" by Chris Staples ♪

♪♪♪

♪ Well, it sure took forever ♪

♪ But the summer finally came ♪

♪ Felt like walking with a stranger ♪

♪ Who didn't even know her name ♪

♪ Pretty soon I grew accustomed ♪

♪ To her warm and sunny way ♪

♪ Pretty soon I would forget ♪

♪ About those frigid winter days ♪

♪ If you just stay true... ♪ Thank God you're here.

Your grandfather's been driving me bonkers.

-Noah. -Margaret.

-Where's Helen? -Oh, I told you, Grandma.

She couldn't come. She had to work.

Well, that's just disgusting.

I don't think so.

Well, of course it is.

This is your wedding.

What could be more important than your wedding, Whitney?

I swear I brought your mother up better than that.

I really did.

Oh, well. She's a lost cause.

You're my only hope for happiness now.

Ugh. Come upstairs.

I've laid out all the bridal magazines.

Noah, take Whitney's things to the blue room.

You're in the basement.

Oh, and see if you can find Bruce.

He'd be thrilled to see you.

Hey. Hey, Bruce.

-Hi. -H-Hello.

Who are you?

Uh, Noah.

Noah. N-Noah Solloway?

-I'm your ex... -Oh, oh. Yes, of course.

I'm so sorry.

Uh, Bruce Butler.

Margaret told me you were coming.

The writer. Uh...

She says you've published multiple books.

That's right, yeah.

Wow, that's impressive.

Uh, you know, there's a great expression.

Uh... "No one has one book in him, but..."

Um. It's, uh...

I think it's, "Everyone has one book in them.

Almost nobody has two."

Oh. Uh... That's not very nice.

Uh, you know, I always wanted to be a writer.

But there never seemed to be enough hours in the day.

Yeah...

Are you hungry? I was craving some, uh, some of these, uh...

-some of these... -Here.

Bruce, let-let me make those for you.

No. No, no, you're our guest.

You know... No, no. You... have-have some coffee.

Uh, uh, I have no idea how to use that machine.

Sure, I'll make some.

Um, are you, uh, you married?

Uh, no. Divorced.

Twice, actually.

Well, that's probably why you have so much time to write.

I'm more of a family man, myself.

Bruce, no.

Oh... - Oh, Jesus.

It's okay.

-No... -I just, I just wanted to...

It's-it's all right, it's all right. Shh, shh.

We're trying to set boundaries for Bruce.

Some new expectations.

While you're here, I'd appreciate it if you could help with that.

I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

Hi.

Ah. What are you doing here?

I'm getting married. What? To this fellow?

Why, Helly-Belly, that's fantastic.

Does this mean that you've finally broken up with that kid from Pennsylvania?

The-the one that was practically a mute?

Bruce, t-this is Whitney.

Helen is your daughter. This is your granddaughter.

G-Granddaughter?

I can't do this anymore.

It's okay. Margaret, it's okay.

Let's-let's focus on the wedding. Uh...

Whitney has this huge agenda for us, and, uh, she needs your help.

Uh, that's right, Grandma.

Um, I need to decide on a florist.

I've narrowed it down to three, but I'm sure you'll have an opinion.

Um, I need to figure out a caterer.

I wanted to find somebody who could do vegan options.

I don't know if you know anybody.

And, um... Oh, well, we already got a tent.

Oh, that reminds me.

The bill for the tent came.

Margaret, I'm...

I thought I was doing the catering, and you and Bruce were gonna pay for the tent.

Noah, we can't pay for this. It's $20,000.

We don't have any money.

And whose fault is that, Marie Antoinette?

Whitney, I just had a splendid idea.

Why don't I call Dean at our tennis club?

They do a marvelous brunch.

And if we do the wedding reception outside of peak hours, I'm sure we can get a discount on the cabana.

They have a waffle station and a make-your-own-omelette bar.

Excuse me, please.

Okay, M-Margaret, the-the wedding is happening here.

Okay? So, if you want to help, help us figure out a way to make that happen.

Hey.

We can't afford a wedding, can we?

No one can afford a wedding. Not really.

We can figure it out.

No, I-I need to get back to reality.

I... Work has been crazy.

I had to miss three days to be here.

Andrea already wants to f*cking k*ll me.

It's fine. We'll just... we'll get married at city hall.

Come on, Whitney. You've been talking about having a wedding in this house since before you were in braces.

I already found a red-eye that we can get on tonight.

It has seats available.

Give me six hours.

Okay? Let's at least try.

Then if you still want to go to city hall, then we'll go to city hall.

Come on. Have you got a pen?

Right. What's the first thing?

-Um... -Tent.

Okay, I just received the last part of my advance, and I can't think of a better thing to spend it on.

-Dad, no. -So that's that done.

-Next? -Dad, you don't get it.

A-A tent is no good if you don't have things to put in it.

Backyard weddings are so expensive because you have to pay for every single little thing. See?

Okay.

Let's start with plates.

Well, this house has got to have plenty of those.

I always hoped your mother would inherit this, but she insists on feeding you all from earthenware as if she grew up on a riverbank.

But no matter, because now it'll go to someone who appreciates it.

-Thank you, Grandma. -This is helpful.

Thanks. What's next?

Oh, I have an appointment at an East Hampton bridal boutique at two, but it's crazy expensive.

I think we should cancel it. You don't have a dress yet?

Perfect. Come on, let's go.

Oh, Margaret, can we borrow your car?

Only if Whitney drives.

-Why? -Because the last time you drove a car in Montauk, you k*lled Scott Lockhart.

♪ Quiet, ambient music ♪

♪♪♪

So, what do you want to do about music?

You want dancing, right?

Honestly, I kind of wanted a flash mob.

-What? -You know, a flash mob?

It's, like, a surprise dance, but everyone knows the steps.

How could everybody know the steps to a surprise dance?

Because somebody teaches them ahead of time, and it's like a... Never mind.

Oh, look.

We have to stop and see what they've done to the Lobster Roll.

No, Whit-Whitney, we don't have time.

Yes, we do. Come on. It'll be hilarious.

Hi, we okay here?

Not as friendly as they used to be.

Yeah.

Hey, remember when Stacey almost choked and Mom saved her?

What?

Yeah, you remember. We were sitting right there, and Trevor and Stacey were playing that game, and then Stacey put a marble in her mouth.

No, it wasn't, uh, it wasn't your mom who saved her.

It was, it was Alison.

What?

No, that's-that's not how I remember it at all.

No, I'm pretty sure it was her.

Stacey was choking and Alison was right there.

So, was that the day you met Alison?

Yeah, I think it was.

So you bonded over the fact that Stacey almost choked to death?

Whitney, if you ever want to talk about what happened

-between Alison and me... -Yeah.

Sure. I do, actually. Go ahead.

Well, there's not... I didn't exactly have a prepared speech.

But if you... Yeah. That's what I thought.

No, I mean, if you want to ask questions or...

Stop. - Noah?

Luisa, hi.

-Hey. -Hey, you remember Whitney, -my daughter? -Yeah, of course. Uh...

I babysat you one summer at the Butlers'.

I remember. Nice to see you.

Yeah, we're in town planning Whitney's wedding, if you can believe it.

Cool. Congratulations.

Thank you.

So this is different.

Yeah. It's officially in the hands of the new owners now.

I just came by to empty a few things out of the office.

Ah. End of an era.

Yep.

I have to get going.

What's, uh, what's next for you?

I'm going back to New York.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I can't believe you got Cole to go to the city.

We're separated, Noah.

He and Joanie are moving to Vermont.

This afternoon, actually, so I have to get going.

Congratulations on your wedding. Good luck.

I'll be right back.

No, Dad, she doesn't want to talk to us.

Hey, Luisa.

I'm sorry if I offended you there.

-I had no idea. -It's fine.

That's terrible about you and Cole.

Well, the writing was on the wall, wasn't it?

Look, I was wondering, have you any idea when they're leaving?

-Why? -'Cause I want to see Joanie.

You can't just waltz in and out of her life when it's convenient. I know that. I know that.

I raised her as my own for two years. I care about her.

Noah, I don't feel like getting

-in the middle of this. -No, I understand.

If you could just tell me when they're leaving, then I can swing by, and if Cole doesn't want me to see her, that's fine, I just, I don't want her to think I just disappeared.

They're leaving at five.

Thanks.

I'm sorry about how it turned out here, and...

I hope there are good things ahead.

Noah, I babysat your kids.

My mother worked at your house.

Don't pretend we're friends.

♪ "Walking with a Stranger" by Chris Staples ♪

♪♪♪ Hey, can I get a menu, please? You order on that.

♪ And death grabbed him so quiet ♪

♪ It didn't even make a sound ♪

♪ As far as I could see were dead leaves... ♪ Hey, just-just pull over right here, will you?

What, here? Yeah. Just for a second.

♪ Pretty soon I grow a cold ♪

♪ And hollow feeling in my heart ♪

♪ Pretty soon me and my sunny day ♪

♪ Will have to part ♪

♪ If you just... ♪ Hey... you think these would look good in a bouquet?

Uh, you know th... that's poison ivy, right?

This is not poison ivy. Not the stuff you got in your hand, man.

The three-leafed plants that are all around where you were

-secret gardening. -W... N...

Poison ivy doesn't grow in the winter.

Oh, yeah. It definitely does.

Oh, f*ck.

♪♪♪ Yay.

-Are you Mr. Solloway? -Yeah. Hi.

Yeah, they told me at the front that Whitney might be back here.

-She sure is. Welcome. -Thank you.

Hi, Dad. Hey, Whit. How's it going?

Good.

Oh, thanks.

It is so cute that you're here.

We almost never see dads in the shop.

What do you do? He's a writer.

Ooh. Anything I'd know?

I doubt it. - He's being very modest. He has a movie coming out

-starring Sasha Mann. -Sasha Mann?

I f*cking love Sasha Mann, wow.

Hey, Hannah, could you come back here and give me a hand with these clamps?

Coming.

Okay...

♪ ominous music ♪

♪♪♪

Well?

What do you think?

Oh, Whit.

You're beautiful.

Thanks, Dad.

You guys are gonna make the cutest father-daughter ever.

Wow. Whitney, it's 19, but I'll knock it down to 17 because it's... it's just so... it's perfect.

Uh, wh... That's, uh... 17, as in thousand?

Mm, sometimes dads just need a little convincing.

Do you mind pulling a few less expensive options?

Uh, Lizzie! Can you come here a second?

Oh... sweetheart.

You are front-cover Martha-Stewart gorgeous.

Isn't it perfect? - Mm-hm.

Whitney thinks so, too.

Actually, I was wondering if you could pull some cheaper options?

Ah, she is such a doll.

Is she your first to get married?

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So, like, what price range were you thinking?

Uh... Wh... I-I don't know, I-I...

He's a big screenwriter.

He works with Sasha Mann.

Really?

Let me ask you something, Mr. Hollywood.

When will there ever be a more important time to splurge than for your eldest daughter's wedding?

She loves this dress.

Uh... Look, maybe... maybe I can, um...

-Maybe... -Don't, Dad.

It's okay. It's okay. I'm gonna change.

I'm sorry, what, what's happening here?

I didn't know the dresses were this expensive. I...

I haven't earned that kind of money yet.

Well, then why did you waste our time with this appointment?

It was my idea, Hannah, and it was a big mistake.

What kind of psycho spends $17,000 on a dress?

Do you know how many clean water wells you could build in Africa with that money?

-No. Do you? -I bet it's a lot, you c**t.

Nice work, Dad.

♪ Quiet, atmospheric music ♪

Dad... what's up with the itching?

It's f*cking... -poison ivy. -What?

Yeah, I tried to pick you some wildflowers.

Thought you might like them.

What?

I know what you're trying to do.

And I appreciate it.

What am I trying to do?

You're trying to make amends.

Oh, look, a daytime moon.

Your mom always used to say they were good luck.

♪ I wandered out in the woods for years ♪

♪ While you just stayed in your room ♪

♪ I saw the crescent ♪

♪ You saw the whole of the moon ♪

♪ Doo-doo-nee-nee ♪

♪ The whole of... ♪ Who's that?

-Who sings that? -I don't know.

Colin's always playing it, it stuck in my head.

It was the Waterboys. That's my generation.

Yeah, I think they're Irish. I don't know, Colin's obsessed.

Mmm, boy's got good taste.

Hey, I got an idea, but, uh, you may hate it.

Your mom had a really beautiful wedding dress.

And I don't know where it is now, but your grandmother, she'd probably have it.

We know she's a hoarder.

Okay. It was a terrible idea.

No.

I love it.

-How'd it go? -Hey, Margaret, do you know where Helen's wedding dress is?

She looked like a vagabond whore in that dress. Why?

Okay, let's just check the attic.

♪ Contemplative guitar music ♪

♪♪♪

Sorry, I need a minute.

What's wrong?

♪ Slow, somber music ♪

♪♪♪ You hate it?

You hate it, right? - No.

Don't worry, don't worry. We'll get another one.

It's not the dress. I love the dress.

What is it?

This wedding is gonna be

-a f*cking disaster. -What?

No, it's not. Come on, we're pulling it together.

We got a tent, we got the plates, now we got a dress.

That's not what I mean.

Then what is it?

I cheated on Colin.

Okay.

Okay? That's what you have to say to me?

-No, no. -God, why am I not surprised?

When did this happen? Recently?

Yeah.

After you got engaged?

Yeah.

And I have to tell him, right?

Uh... uh, not necessarily.

I mean... did you want to be with this other guy?

No. God, no.

Well, is there any other way that Colin might find out?

I mean, is it someone who's around a lot, do you have

-friends in common? -No. Why?

Because, in that case, telling Colin might just hurt him unnecessarily.

And end your relationship.

I mean, unless... -What? -Well, unless that's what you were trying to do.

I...

I don't know. Uh... maybe.

Whitney?

Do you want to marry Colin?

If you're asking if he's the only person I'll ever love, I... I have no f*cking idea.

How am I supposed to know that?

Look, I don't think anybody knows that.

Yes, they do. Some people do.

-Colin does. -Now, you don't know that.

You're not in his head.

For all you know, he's... he's having major doubts, too.

-Wow. -No... not about you, about marriage.

When I got married, I thought that if you, if you, if you chose the right person, then you'd be happy forever, and if you were unhappy, then they were the wrong person.

But that's just not how it works.

-It's not? -No. No.

Marriage is... it's not magic, it's, it's just a decision that you have to make.

And keep on making, over and over, to stay.

Whitney, deciding you're not ready doesn't mean you're a bad person.

It means you know yourself much better than I knew when I was your age.

No, I'm not hurting Colin. I'm not doing it.

-He's my best friend. -He'll be okay.

He, he... he'll survive.

You hurt Mom so badly.

Yeah, but that was... that was different. We had four kids.

I don't want to ever hurt anyone the way you hurt her.

Right.

Why did you do it?

If marriage is a choice, if you can decide to stay, why did you go?

I don't know how to answer that.

Was it Alison?

Did you just love her more than you loved us?

No.

What was it, then?

I don't know.

See, the thing that I don't get is, you were a good dad.

And Mom was a great mom, and-and we were happy.

Or at least I thought we were.

And then...

I guess I just worry that, if that wasn't real and if that wasn't good, then... then maybe nothing is.

Whitney, look, I f*cked up.

I...

I was thinking about myself, and I f*cked up.

Which is why I want you to give yourself the time to make the right decision.

I love you, Whit. I just want you to be happy.

I love you, too.

Come on.

I got to change out of this dress.

Oh, f*ck.

Hello?

Noah, hi. This is Petra Ranes from Vanity Fair.

Oh, hi, Petra. It's been a while.

-How are you? -I'm good.

And the piece is really coming together.

-Great. -I'm just doing a last little bit of fact-checking, if you have a second.

-Sure. -Great.

So, do you happen to know a woman named Eden Bishop?

Uh... no, I don't think so.

That's her married name.

Maybe you know her as Ellery? Eden Ellery?

Oh, yeah, yeah, she was, uh, she was my publicist on the book tour for Descent.

That's what she said, too.

Okay?

Did you two have a relationship?

Beyond the professional?

Me and Eden?

She claims you pressured her into sleeping with you on the book tour.

Does that match your recollection?

Sorry, wh-what did you say?

The reception here is terrible.

Eden claims you coerced her into having sex while on the book tour together.

I'm asking if you remember something like that happening between you and her during that time.

No. Absolutely not.

Are you sure?

This is f*cking sh*t! What? No!

So that's not your memory?

-No! -Okay. That's it, then.

I just needed a comment. Thanks for your time.

What...?

Oh, f*ck.

♪ Intense, suspenseful music ♪

♪♪♪

♪ pulsing, suspenseful music ♪

♪♪♪

Yes?

Hi, I'm looking for Benjamin Cruz.

I'm Ben Cruz.

Can I help you?

I just wanted to ask about your clinic.

I... I need help.

I think I have PTSD.

Ah.

What's your name?

Gabrielle.

Very nice to meet you.

Come on inside.

Danny, Isla, meet Gabrielle.

She's here to learn about our community.

-Hey there. -Hey.

Hi.

I thought I was the only one who read real books anymore.

How about I give you a tour?

I believe in the healing power of fresh air and tilling the land.

Everything here has been designed to be self-sustaining.

My patients get free lodging in return for their time in the garden.

So, a-are you a veteran, Gabrielle?

Um, no, I'm not.

How did you find us, then?

Recommendation.

I only ask because we mostly service ex-m*llitary.

When I was a young vet, I started my post-service career at the VA, during what I thought was a really exciting time for PTSD therapy.

Newer, integrative psychotherapeutic approaches like exposure therapy, EMDR.

They all seemed to be taking root in the mainstream community, but then, of course, they were obliterated as soon as the government deregulated psychopharmaceutical dr*gs.

If vets want alternative therapies, they have to seek them under the table, pay out of pocket, get treatments in secret.

If the VA finds out, people lose their health care.

Anyway, that's why I have to be extra careful when people knock on my door.

Well, you weren't that careful. You kind of just let me in.

True.

But you have an honest face.

We grow all our own food.

There's something so satisfying about putting your hands in the dirt, turning the soil, caring for the space, and then watch it as it bears fruit.

Here, the land that we've taken care of then turns around and cares for us.

I firmly believe, if we can remember how to care for a garden, we can remember how to care for each other.

Thank you.

Let's head back inside.

Get to know each other a bit better.

So... Gabrielle.

That's a beautiful name, by the way.

Thank you.

Is it a family name?

Yes.

So tell me, how can I help you?

I think I suffer from PTSD.

Okay. How does that manifest?

I can't connect with people. I think I'm incapable of love.

Well, sometimes such feelings are connected to a significant loss or trauma at an early age.

Does that resonate with you?

No.

Hmm.

Are you familiar with EMDR?

No.

It's an old form of therapy.

Nobody really understands why it works or how, but it does.

There's something almost magical about it.

Mm. You don't believe in magic?

No.

Maybe that's why you have such... trouble with love.

Would you like to try EMDR?

J-Just to see if we can get a little closer to understanding why you came.

Sure. Why not?

Excellent.

I record all my sessions. Do you mind?

And this is just our standard release form.

It's on paper.

I know. What can I say?

I am nostalgic for the analog world.

I suspect you are, too.

Well, take a moment, read it through.

What's the date?

Oh, don't worry about that.

I just need your signature.

Okay. Thank you.

So... the way EMDR works.

We pick one specific traumatic event and then we basically rewrite the script so it doesn't trigger the same debilitating response.

Does that make sense? Good.

We can start on any memory, really.

Is there a moment, a... a night where you remember this, as you say, "inability to love" really manifesting itself, impeding your life in some way?

I...

I had a fight with my boyfriend recently.

Excellent.

That is the perfect thing to unpack with this therapy.

Let's start there.

Can you please, um, move your chair to face me.

♪ Tense music ♪ Good.

No, see, you need to be a little closer.

There you go.

Okay, to begin, just follow my fingers with your eyes.

-Th-That makes me dizzy. -Okay.

Let's switch to something else.

Your palms up.

There you go.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Now think back to the night of the fight.

What do you notice?

Where are you?

I'm in my apartment.

-Where is that? -Montauk.

How about your boyfriend, is he there?

He's on his way.

How do you feel?

Scared.

Good. Go with that.

Same as before.

Tell me... what do you notice?

My apartment is warm, cozy.

There's a fire in the fireplace.

My daughter's drawings are on the refrigerator.

It's raining outside.

Pouring, actually. There's a storm, a... a bad one.

The windows are rattling.

Good. Go with that.

Now what do you see happening?

My boyfriend arrives.

He's soaking wet. He dries himself by the fire.

How's he dressed?

Jeans and a m*llitary jacket.

He's a veteran.

Good.

Close your eyes.

Notice what he says and go with that.

-He's angry. -Why is he angry?

Because he's married, and I want him to leave his wife.

We have a fight.

I tell him that if he doesn't leave her, I will k*ll myself.

Keep going.

He tells me that I'm ugly and stupid and that nobody will ever love me, and that the best I could hope for is to be someone's slut.

Okay. That's enough.

EMDR doesn't work if you're lying.

I never said those things.

I respected your mother greatly.

I would never have spoken that way to her.

Hello, Joanie.

Hello, Ben.

I'm so glad you are finally here.

Why don't we start again with the same question?

How can I help you?

Did you k*ll my mother?

Yes.

I did.

I can only imagine what you think of me right now.

It's all so new for you.

The truth is, I've been thinking about you for years.

I've tried to imagine where you've been living your life and-and how.

I've awaited our reunion with great anticipation.

Is there anything else you want to ask me?

Anything at all?

Go back behind your desk. I need a barrier between us.

Of course.

I-I want to be held accountable, Joanie.

I've always known I would eventually have to answer for what I did.

I welcome the opportunity.

I know this might be hard for you to believe, but I think of your mother every day.

Every minute, in fact.

She is constantly with me, and...

I hate myself for what I did.

Okay. So why did you do it?

I had a psychotic break.

What?

When I met your mother... the doctors at the VA had me on a lot of dr*gs.

Antidepressants, MDMA, antipsychotics.

I was losing my mind.

I couldn't sleep. Uh, I-I-I was paranoid.

I started hearing voices.

I didn't tell anyone, of course, because...

I, I was afraid they'd lock me up for good.

That night... I became a monster, uh, completely out of control.

What did you do to her?

Well, we had an argument in her apartment, as you guessed.

About what?

The fact that I was married.

So I was right.

Yes.

But she told me to leave.

It was me who was begging to stay.

Why?

Have you ever met someone who-who looked at you, all of you, even the savage parts, and they didn't flinch?

No.

I thought she was gonna be the one to bring me back, restore me to the man I was before I went to w*r.

That night we tried to make love... and... I found that I couldn't.

For years after Afghanistan, I had thought the problem was my wife.

But then, all of a sudden, it was clear.

The problem had been me all along.

My fate was sealed.

I would never be the man I was before the w*r.

And I was never going to be enough for Alison or any woman.

So you k*lled her?

I never felt such rage.

And because Alison was in front of me, I-I directed it at her.

She said she was leaving.

She ran to the door.

And I didn't want her to go, so I grabbed her by the arm to try to bring her back, and I lost my grip, and she fell, hard, against the bookshelf.

Before I could reach her, this statue, a heavy statue, it fell on her head.

And she was gone.

So... it was an accident?

Yes, of course.

I never wanted to hurt your mother.

I have... I have tried... to find a way to make what I did bearable.

I have dedicated the last 30 years of my life creating this place: a safe haven for veterans.

So nobody again will ever lose control the way I did.

Hurt someone the way I hurt your mother.

You didn't just hurt her.

You k*lled her.

Yes, and I'm sorry, Joanie.

If you're so sorry, then why didn't you turn yourself in?

I-I don't know what good it would have done.

I-I-I could help more people... make more amends by being of service to these men, rather than waste the rest of my life rotting away in some cell.

Don't you think you should have let a jury make that call?

Y-You know who I think should make that call?

You.

Me?

I promised myself a long time ago, Joanie, that when you found me...

And I knew it was a "when," not an "if"...

That I would submit to whatever accountability you demanded, and I-I-I would not resist.

So... if you want to call the police right now, I'll give you my phone.

If you want to... you want to k*ll me...

I'll give you my g*n.

I am completely in your hands.

If I were going to k*ll you, I wouldn't use a g*n.

It's too quick.

Okay.

How would you do it?

I'd like to cut off your d*ck and let you bleed out like a pig until you die.

Well... that's an option, too.

I have to go. I need to think.

Okay, but, Joanie, you know where to find me now.

And I'm not gonna run.

I'll be right here whenever you decide.

I have to go.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

How about calling the police?

I guess I should?

This man m*rder*d your mother and then sat there and gave you a detailed description of how he did it.

That's a special kind of psychopath.

He's a lot of things, but I-I don't think he's a psychopath.

What?

He seemed sorry.

Truly sorry.

He spent his entire life trying to make amends.

Uh, Joanie, most murderers are sorry for what they did.

They still have to go to prison.

He said I could k*ll him if I liked.

I think that would be a mistake.

I wasn't being serious.

-Yes, you were. -No, I wasn't.

I think you were.

-EJ. -Joanie, listen to me.

This problem is above your pay grade.

There are people who specialize in crime and punishment for a living.

That's why they're called the authorities.

How about we let them decide what to do before we take vengeance into our own hands.

Ben may be sorry, but he was clearheaded enough at the time to use your mother's history of mental illness against her and make everyone believe she drowned herself.

That's right.

She drowned.

They found water in her lungs.

♪ Atmospheric music ♪

♪♪♪

Benjamin Cruz?

Can I help you?

I'm Detective Clark, this is Detective Woods.

We'd like to ask you a few questions pertaining to the death of Alison Bailey.

May we come in?

I've made my decision.

Where did you find her?

She's one of the patients from my facility.

She went AWOL last night... and we've been worried sick.

What?

This is her signature, committing herself

-to psychiatric care. -What?

And this is my case study for Joanie Lockhart.

She was admitted three weeks ago.

That's not true. None of this is true.

Joanie suffers from severe depression and PTSD.

Her mother tragically committed su1c1de when she was seven years old.

And lately she's been experiencing homicidal fantasies and delusions.

This is all horseshit. We have been exploring some of them in a safe, therapeutic space, but, um, yesterday she had a turn for the worse and she threatened my life.

I'd like to cut off your d*ck and let you bleed out like a pig until you die.

That is not what I said.

That isn't your voice on the recording?

Of course it is, but it was meant as a hypothetical, like... if I were to k*ll him.

He knew my mother. He isn't just a random doctor I came to see.

He was dating her when she d*ed.

He told me that he set up this whole clinic because he felt like such a sh*t for what he did 30 years ago.

Officers, I have nothing to hide.

I was cleared of any wrongdoing in Alison Bailey's death years ago.

The police ruled it as a su1c1de.

Joanie just can't accept it.

She needs someone to blame.

She herself has made a series of su1c1de attempts, as you can see referenced on pages five and six.

Ms. Lockhart, what are you doing?

Where is it, Ben?

-Where's your f*cking g*n? -There's no g*n.

He said I could k*ll him with it if I wanted to.

I don't have a g*n, Joanie.

I run a therapeutic center for PTSD recovery.

A g*n would be a very dangerous thing to have on these premises, wouldn't it?

Ms. Lockhart, is it true what he's saying?

Are you a patient at this facility?

No, of course not. All right, but... this is your signature on this form?

I wasn't paying attention to what I was signing.

So you didn't read what the form said?

You aren't listening to me.

I'm telling the truth.

I'm not the crazy one.

-He is. -Okay, well, why would you sign something you didn't read, ma'am?

Because I was too busy thinking about how I was gonna k*ll him.

Mr. Cruz, do you want us to remove Ms. Lockhart from the property?

That won't be necessary.

Are you sure, sir?

More than anything, right now, she needs my support.

Sorry to have wasted your time, Officers.

Okay.

I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.

You can't touch me now, Joanie.

Police are watching you now.

You'll go to prison for the rest of your life.

Your kids will grow up without a mother.

That's not what you want, is it?

What do you know about my kids?

I meant what I said.

I thought about you over the years, wondered how you were.

Were you watching me?

I looked you up online.

When did you know it was me?

When you took off your sunglasses.

Why didn't you say something then?

What was the point of this whole exercise?

♪ Slow, suspenseful music ♪ My mother was still breathing when her body went into the water.

She didn't die in our apartment like you said she did.

She had water in her lungs.

She f*cking drowned.

Calm down.

Can I get you something? A drink?

You wanted me to call the police.

So you could show them my signature and play them the tape and make me seem like a nutjob.

The one person left alive who knows what you did.

You k*lled her, and then you dumped her body in the water.

You made it look like a su1c1de. You used her history and you set her up just like you set me up, didn't you?

Yes.

Why?

I didn't want to go to prison.

Oh, you're a k*ller. You belong in prison.

Oh, thou shall not k*ll.

Well... except sometimes.

I k*lled people in Afghanistan, plenty of them.

Some of them innocent civilians.

It wasn't a crime there.

Why should it be a crime here?

You took my mother from me.

I was a child.

You took her.

You know, you are just so much like her.

When you showed up at my door, you seemed so... strong, so tough.

I should have known it was a mask.

Just like hers.

You're just as sad and as frightened as she was.

Harder.

Harder.

Oh.

I understand why you came here now.

It wasn't for Alison at all.

You just want someone to put you out of your pain.

I'm not gonna do you that favor.

I'm sorry for your pain, Joanie.

I really am.

But if I go away, what happens to these patients?

They need me here.

You are so full of sh*t, and you know it.

I've paid for my sins.

I can live with myself.

♪ Slow, somber music ♪

♪♪♪ You're the one, apparently, who cannot.

♪ Atmospheric music ♪

♪♪♪